So who ARE you back on the bike for, Lance?

Lance Armstrong, shown doing a variety of staged exercises with staged shots of Armstrong riding his bike- "They call me a cheat. They say I can't let it go. They call me washed up. A doper. Over The Hill. A Fraud. All that matters to me is, I'm back on my bike."

And the punchline: "Because I'm not doing this-- for THEM."

1) Get the hell over yourself, Mr Armstrong. Believe it or not, the Sport That Requires Dorky Pants is not at the forefront of our minds as we approach the July 4th holiday. Nor is the Tour de France, that ridiculously melodramatic bike race which is interrupted at one stage by a plane ride. Believe it or not, you really haven't been missed all that much since your tortured, controversial, rumor-scarred "retirement."

2) Who is the "they" who is saying all these horrible things about you? Because again, what I've heard most is Silence. As in, "why am I supposed to give a shit about Lance Armstrong, that guy who used to pop into the public consciousness for a few weeks every summer because he was in the process of winning a bike race?"

3) Armstrong tells us that all these criticisms that only he seems to hear while the rest of us less self-absorbed Non-Lances are kind of busy with our own lives (Jesus, how about you stop bitching for a minute, and then use that minute to thank us for all those 'Live Strong' rubber bands we bought?) aren't the reason he's racing again. He's not doing it "for Them." So who IS he doing it for? Ah yes- we see the Nike Swoosh and "Just Do It."

He's doing it for the money. Because damn it, the thing about sponsorship money is, it tends to dry up when you stop performing.

For the love of God, get off your freaking high-horse, you self-absorbed, doping fraud. You'd be amazed at how many people will be rooting against you not because they think that you are a cheat, but because they are sick to death of your constant self-promotion, which has now extended to creating a "me against the world" theme out of thin air for the benefit of your bottom line, and Nike's.

Good luck in the Tour de France. Break a leg.