Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

This guy is cruising along in a luxury car, while the narrator tells us about all it's super-cool and obviously ESSENTIAL new bells and whistles, including "voice recognition technology."

Ok, here we go- in your car, you can pretend that you have some control over your joyless, hopeless life, which after all is just a mad pursuit for money so you can purchase cars with voice recognition technology and phones with pop-up maps of places you'll never visit. You can bark "Play Smashing Pumpkins! Call Office! Increase temperature of butt to 72.6 degrees!"

But this particular commercial ( I don't know what the make of the car is, does it really matter?) goes a bit too far. The driver sees a detour sign and makes an unscheduled turn. He commands his GPS system to "Update Map."

Huh? I have a Garmin GPS in my car. When I take a detour, pull over for coffee, or whatever, I don't talk to the little box on my dashboard. I don't tell it to "Update Map." It just does it. Doesn't that mean that the portable GPS in my 2003 Honda is superior to the pre-installed GPS in this luxury car, which apparently won't update your route unless you order it to?

I have a better theory, though. I think that the driver has just gone insane with power. Having the car respond to every command has gone to his head, and now he can't stop talking to the electronics. Pretty soon he'll be ordering the AP Network News guy to "give update!" or the batter at the plate to "swing at pitch!"

When he tells the wheels to "revolve faster!" as he presses down on the gas pedal, we'll know he needs serious therapy.

Lowes: Your Place for Tools

Lowes is a Proud Sponsor of NASCAR. Why is this a selling point? Even if I were a fan of NASCAR, why would Lowes' sponsorship of Jimmie Johnson make me want to go to Lowes?

And what's with these phony employees in the most recent Lowes Commercial- there they are, wearing their stupid Lowes vests, jumping up and down hooting and hollering and giving eachother high-fives ("Four in a row, baby! Woo Hoo!") because of COURSE they are all Jimmie Johnson fans and of COURSE they will just DIE if Jimmie Johnson doesn't win the Sprint Cup Series. Does Lowes only hire Jimmie Johnson fans to work in their stores? Does the fact that their employer is a Jimmie Johnson fan somehow make Lowes employees gravitate to NASCAR and Johnson? Would expressing support for Jeff Gordon result in a pink slip and an order to get your sorry ass back to Burger King, you traitor?

Assuming that none of these is the case, why are these overworked, underpaid idiots so fucking excited at the prospect of Jimmie Johnson OR Lowes winning ANYTHING?

Is it just that working for Lowes is so all-consuming and soul-sucking that these people don't know why they are so excited about someone who happens to be sponsored by the mega-conglomerate they slave for? Do they realize that they are making the baggage handlers over at Southwest seem almost normal by comparison?

Maybe it's the vests.

Verizon Hates Me, Christmas, and West Virginia

"Santa" walks into the dark, cold barn and asks his reindeer if they are "ready" (to travel the world delivering toys, I guess.) Those stupid Verizon "maps" pop up above all the reindeer- but, oops! Blitzen has Inferior Coverage, because he's got AT&T. What a stupid reindeer!

Ok, I just have three questions for the makers of this brain-dead, childhood memory-crushing, manipulative bullshit. First: Why is it important that every reindeer have the same cell coverage? Aren't they going to be hitched together when they pull their sleigh? Is it really going to be necessary for Blitzen to be able to text Dasher mid-flight? I mean, what the hell?

Second: Check out those pop-up maps. Compare the Verizon Map with the AT&T Map. On both, there's this big blank spot sitting like baby spit-up all over West Virginia. So, neither Verizon nor AT&T offer coverage in West Virginia? What is the consequence of this lack of service? Santa just going to skip the Mountaineer State?

Third: I know this is too much to ask, but could cell phone companies please, PLEASE keep their grubby, filthy paws off of our cherished childhood memories? Santa Claus doesn't give a damn what kind of coverage his reindeer have, because they are REINDEER. He doesn't care what kind of coverage HE has, because he's Santa Claus. He wasn't invented to pimp for Verizon.

He was invented to pimp for Coca-Cola. And let's never forget it.

There's Never Been a Better Time to Blow your Wad on a Bauble

Cute couple skating along on the ice- except, not really: More like girl gracefully skating, while sweet boyfriend with sensitive soul and huge heart who Wants Only To Make Her Happy stumbles, falls, gets up, and grasps a tree branch for support. Oh, how insulin shock-inducing adorable is this? And did I mention that it's all done to the tune of "I Got You Babe?" (Not the Sonny and Cher version- no ad agency EVER uses the original version of any song, after all. In this case, we'll be thankful for small favors.)

Having had enough of this skate-your-way-into-the-sack shit, clumsy doofus guy pulls out a box and hands her the only thing any girl really wants, after all- a piece of rock dug out of the ground by some starving kid in South Africa.

"Now more than ever, you are each other's greatest strength" the disembodied voice-over intones, as we watch the graceful recipient of a shiny stone hug/hold up clumsy, Finally Going to Get Some boyfriend. "The strength of love, forged in a knot."

"Now more than ever.." does the narrator mean "now that you can cross off 'skating' as an activity you enjoy doing together, leaving 'watching tv' and 'having sex' as the only two left?" It sure doesn't mean "during these trying economic times," because seriously, what is it about 10% unemployment that makes this a good time to invest in ancient coal?

"The strength of love, forged in a knot." How about "a shiny stone, surrounded by glittery metal?" Ok, not quite as catchy. And my substitution doesn't really echo the De Beers message: "If he really loved you, he'd buy you the most useless, pointless, showy thing he could find, instead of fucking around pretending to enjoy skating just to get you to put out, already."

And just think, it's not even quite Thanksgiving yet. Almost three full months left before Valentine's Day and the end of the If You Really Cared, You'd Buy Her a Ring, Broach, or Necklace, you Cheap Asshole Annual Nag A Thon. As no summer is warm enough to prevent the coming of autumn, no economy is bad enough to cancel the Stupid Season.

Just Sign and Drive- and pay. And pay. And pay.

I'm going to skip over the obvious snarkable material in these stupid commercials- the Prospective Driver Experiencing Orgasm at Thought of Driving a Volkswagen moment that shows up near the middle, featuring Prospective Driver with incredibly fake, stupid grin on his/her face as he/she cruises down the street in a new, shiny car (and, in one, adjusts the seat so the driver is practically laying down. Why? I don't even want to hazard a guess.) I'd rather focus on the whole "sign and drive" deception, and Volkswagen's habit of treating customers like sheep to be sheared, at best.

One customer after another looks at the gleaming cars in the showroom (someday, I'd like to pick out a car in a Showroom, instead of the Lot.) One customer after another says some version of "tough decision." One way-too-enthusiastic car dealer after another drops a rapid-fire chunk of information including the warranty, gas mileage, etc.- I am not sure what, because I'm too distracted by how nonsensical it is that the dealer is offering standard boilerplate instead of actual specs.

These commercials always end with the potential customer being astounded at the concept of "Sign and Drive." And I don't blame them- whenever I have purchased a car, I SIGNED the contract, and then I would DRIVE the car away. Why is this being sold as something new and revolutionary? It isn't stated outright, but I guess what we are being told here is that no money need be exchanged at the moment of purchase- "all you need is your signature."

To which I have to reply: Big. Fucking. Deal.

This is just another version of the "low lease payment" scam car dealerships have been pulling for years. "Check this out, you can lease this car for only $199 per month! Wow! What a great deal!" Ah, but check the small print- "$2999 due at signing." Yeah, great deal- instead of paying your lease over the course of four years, you've handed the dealership a year and a half worth of payments up front. I suppose that's a great deal for somebody- but it ain't the customer.

I strongly suspect that you are going to pay a very heavy price in exchange for the convenience of "sign and drive." Because you didn't have to write a check today, that monthly bite out of your wallet is going to be extra painful down the road. So you didn't have to come up with two grand before you hit the dealership- you'll pay that money out later, with interest and fees. No one is giving away cars "for just your signature," sorry.

Way to entice people who may be facing financial difficulties and melting bank accounts, Volkswagen. "Don't bring money, we know you're good for it- just sign here!" What they mean is, "Don't pay me now. Just be prepared to bend over later." Happy Holidays from Volkswagen.

Chase Sapphire: Can you imagine a Guy getting away with this Asshattery?

A woman walks into the living room, surprising her husband by wearing a hot new dress. For some reason, this inspires the husband to start talking about their Chase Sapphire Credit Card: "Lets use our points to take a break."

Ok, let's take this in for a moment: Wife shows husband expensive-looking new purchase. First thing husband thinks is "hey, that reminds me, we've got a credit card?"

"We could go on a trip" husband says (cue scene with hubby and wife roaring down the coast on a speedboat- I don't see a "closed course, do not attempt" disclaimer anywhere.)

"No we can't" replies wife.

"Sure we can- we can use the points for just about anything" husband insists.

"I know" replies wife, stepping back to again point out that she's wearing an expensive dress.

Husband smiles- Ah, yes. That's where your Chase Sapphire points went, buddy. Your wife saw something she just Had To Have, and used the points THE TWO OF YOU EARNED to BUY SOMETHING FOR HERSELF.

Kind of an interesting reversal of the usual theme here- Husband is thinking of the fun things they could do as a couple; Wife plays the selfish choad who went out and blew the points without even consulting Husband. Generally, what we see in commercials is Wife/Girlfriend being sensible and Husband/Boyfriend being a clueless, self-centered little prick. This commercial would have fit into the standard if wife/girlfriend had enthused about all the great things they could do with their Chase Sapphire points, only to have husband/boyfriend point at the new Game System he purchased without letting her know. Shrug and eyeroll by wife/girlfriend, commercial over.

Of course, we can't see the husband ticked off at his wife for using THEIR card points to buy something for HERSELF- he just smiles appreciatively, as if she bought the dress for his benefit.
It's strongly implied that even though it's THEIR card, SHE has the final say on how it will be used. Still, I can't help but thinking that if it was the guy tossing cold water on his wife's big plans for a vacation by pointing out that he just bought a new tool bench or the 2010 MLB HD package on Dish Network, her reaction would not have been quite so generous.

One more point- with the unemployment rate hovering above 10% for the first time in 26 years, do we really need a commercial featuring people who spend so much on credit that they've accumulated enough points to buy dresses or go on vacation with? Oh, who am I kidding- we are about to be treated to another two months of "Show your Loved One that you Care by giving them a Lexus with a Red Ribbon on it" commericals. Compared to those, this credit card commercial is downright enjoyable. Like a toothache is enjoyable compared to a migraine.

Blackstone Gold Brokers: Champions of the Non Sequitur

Here we go again with another of these "Invest your hard-earned money on the theory that the United States economy is on the verge of collapse" commercials. This one is from some company called Blackstone International, and it always leaves me scratching my head and wondering who decided to fire the editor before the final product was approved.

Testimonial #1: "I decided to take some of my IRA and buy gold from Blackstone International. Gold has increased 250% in the last eight years. My gold investment rose from $75,000 to $89,000. I am very happy with Blackstone International."

Um, say what? $75,000 to $89,000 is not an increase of 250%. It's an increase of just under 20%. Assuming that the price of gold HAS risen 250% in eight years, this woman clearly did not make her investment eight years ago. So, what's the point of telling us that the price of gold has risen 250% in eight years? What's the significance of an eight-year period, anyway? It's been eight years since 9/11- is that it? Wouldn't it have been equally relevant to tell us how much gold has increased in the last eighty years, or eight hundred?

Testimonial #2- "I bought my gold from Blackstone International. I wouldn't be surprised to see gold hit $2000 an ounce in the near future. Blackstone International is a company I can trust."

What is this, Haiku Day on the radio? What does buying gold from Blackstone International have to do with what the price of gold will do in the future? Why do I care what this guy's personal prediction is about the price of gold? Is he telling me that if I buy gold from some other company, the price of gold might NOT reach $2000 an ounce? Why do gold broker commercials make my head hurt so much?

More to the point, why don't these commercials just cut to the chase and urge us to bet against the American Economy, because the best news for people who invest in gold is the complete collapse of the world financial markets, followed by depression and unprecedented human misery? Maybe they think that would be too much of a downer?

Life is good for the gold brokers these days, though: they've made enough money to buy off pretty much every radio yakker on the planet, regardless of political ideology. Now maybe they could use just a little of that money to make a few decent commercials with logical, coherent messages, instead of ones featuring people who are apparently happy to spout whatever happens to pop into their heads while the recorder is running.

You Get What You Pay For

Look, I don't like the idea of paying for checked baggage. I think it's a real pound-foolish way for airlines to try to squeeze every last buck out of the flying public. Maybe it's because of the sticker shock- we went from No Fees to $25 or more per bag, virtually overnight. Or maybe it's because of the behavior the extra fee has created- hordes of self-absorbed jackasses trying to jam every manner of garment bag, suitcase, dufflebag and What Have You into the overhead compartment or the seat in front of them, leaving you to stand like an idiot in the aisle wondering if you are going to be allowed to get to your seat before the plane starts to roll (Seriously- the things some people think are appropriate "carry-ons"....Jesus.....)

But I think I would rather pay the extra charge than have the type of people Southwest Airlines apparently employs handling my bags for free. In one commercial, we are supposed to think it's funny that a few of them are reminiscing about their favorite bags, and moaning how sad it is to see them fly off to parts unknown (the commercial is supposed to make us think "Sentimental, Funny." I can't help but think "Pathetic, Loser.") In the one I just saw, these bottom-feeders are competing for the title of Biggest Moron in the Airport by yelling "FREE! FREE! Bags fly FREE!" and laughing like little children in the process. One guy even "sings" "Frreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" (He should meet the Maxwell House "Freeeeeeesssssshhhh!" jackass.)

I thought the "It's On" campaign was bad enough (one of the "Its On" commercials features everyone's favorite frequent flier, the It's All About Me businessman who doesn't shut his laptop and board the plane until the last possible second, holding the rest of us lesser mortals up with his asshattery.) But these are worse, because they want us to think it's charming to watch underpaid unskilled labor perform like trained seals while celebrating the decisions passed down from Corporate and which benefit them not the slightest.

If I want to watch impoverished cogs in an industrial machine blather on about how great "their" company is, I'll pay more attention to those Honey Bunches of O's commercials, where all the workers sit around spending half their days eating the cereal they "supervise" as it's poured into boxes. Ugh.

Thank You, Makers of DJ Hero

I want to take a moment to thank the good people who worked painstakingly to create the newest Lets Pretend to Play Guitar video game, DJ Hero, which (if I get the gist of it) sets up a "contest" between various rap artists.

I'm not thanking them for creating a game which is sure to instill upon the players a strong love of music. Because seriously, I don't see this happening.

I'm not thanking them for encouraging kids to learn a musical instrument. Because I've played "Guitar Hero" before, and know that learning how to push the right buttons at the right time has only the tiniest relation to learning to play guitar chords. In fact, I shake my head sadly at the realization that every minute, ever hour some doofus kid "practices" at "playing" the "guitar" is time that could have been spent engaged in the enriching experience of actually learning to play a real guitar. Or some other musical instrument.

I can't quite bring myself to thank them for once again proving the power of effective advertising. I mean, think about it: hundreds of millions of dollars in sales of a game which is essentially air guitar, except with a plastic non-musical instrument and cartoons on a tv screen. Talk about the triumph of consumerism.

I'm sure not thanking them for providing yet another excuse for obese technology-obsessed losers to stay indoors on even the nicest days, enjoying their Wal-Mart provided fantasy world while their actual lives gradually slip away.

No, I'm not thanking the makers of DJ Hero for any of these things. But they deserve my gratification anyway, so I'll make it brief: Thank You, Makers of DJ Hero, for not releasing this game until the worthless, thoughtless, clueless moron who used to live in my apartment building finally got his sorry ass tossed. Because at least when the mood struck him to play Guitar Hero at 4 AM (which was, on average, three times a week) at least the music usually wasn't unbearably bad. If I had to listen to Jay Z and Eminem "competing" off-key at high volume, I think I'd lose it.

I'm Ready to do Anything but Exercise and Eat Right

"If I lost the weight, maybe I wouldn't have to take so many medications" says one woman.

"If I lost the weight, maybe my back and knees wouldn't hurt so much" some guy tells us.

"If I lost the weight, I could run around with my grandkids" another woman adds.

What are they talking about? Why, how for many, many years they've longed to get rid of that spare tire wrapped around their hips. And now, after years of dithering and wishing, they are going to DO something about it.

What are they going to do? Join a gym and exercise something other than their gums and texting digits? Cut out salty and sugary snacks? Add fruits and vegetables to their diet? Stop guzzling soda and juice drinks? Get off the couch and take a daily walk?

Nope- when we hear each person in turn confidently tell us that "I'm ready," what they mean is "I'm ready to have a 'minimally invasive procedure to place an adjustable (by WHOM?) silicone band around the upper part of my stomach, so I can feel full without overeating."

According to the website, the band "creates a pouch without permanently altering any organs." Oh well, that's good news, at least. But seriously, it's bad enough that millions of people think that they are one exercise machine purchase, one set of pills, or one insanely dangerous diet away from losing weight. Now they are being told that they are one simple, safe and "minimally invasive" surgery away from looking like those models in the magazines. Funny how Quick-Fix messages will always drown out doctors and common sense, which have been telling us for decades that the only way to safely and permanently lose weight is to affect a lifestyle adjustment and introduce your body to regular servings of fruits, vegetables and exercise.

Clearly there exists a massive population of people who are willing to eat up these quick fixes (no pun intended) yet jam their fingers in their ears and chant "can't hear you, can't hear you" when reminded about the exercise and diet thing. The snake oil and surgery salesmen who sell the miracle cures are, I'm sure, eternally grateful for them.

(How DO you "adjust" a band wrapped around your stomach, again?)

The Ford F-150: Sure You'll Kill Somebody, but you'll be fine!

Every once in a while, I see a commercial that makes me really, REALLY angry. Here's one from our friends at Ford:

"...Because you're going to eat a Cheeseburger while you drive...." (we see our typical twentysomething asshole jamming food into his face and paying only the most casual "attention" to the road he's cruising down.)

"....Because you are going to talk on your cellphone while you drive...." (we see the same guy blathering away on the little box jammed up against his cheek, barreling down the highway without a care in the world.)

".....we've introduced the Ford F-150, the Safest Truck in the World." The Ford F-150 has a massive, heavy steel skeleton, drivers and passenger side air bags, blah blah blah.

Oh, that's awesome. So no worries for this prick- he's going to mow down someone in a lesser car while tweeting that he just passed Exit 30B on the Beltway, but he'll be just fine. He'll sideswipe a van while trying to dig out the last french fry from the bottom of the bag, but he'll be unscathed, thanks to that awesome heavy steel cage he's got surrounding his precious self. And the people he kills through his self-centered cluelessness? Well, they should have bought a Ford F-150 or stayed the hell off the highway, I guess (It IS Ford Truck Month, you know.)

Great message, Ford-- Go ahead and drive like a clueless prick who owns the road. You won't suffer any physical consequences if you do it in this reinforced tank. That cry of terror you heard as you bounced your Ford Fuckmobile off the Honda trying to pass? Don't worry your empty little head about it.

"It's crazy out there," the commercial concludes. It sure is, Ford. And you are not helping.

The Garmin Nuvi Phone and Blackberry: United Together to Destroy Civilization

As anyone who has been reading this blog for any time at all knows, Cell Phone commercials are the bane of my existence. I think that most people who own and use cell phones are already clueless, inconsiderate assholes, but if they behave the way they are told they should behave by cell phone commercials, I think it will be time for Western Civilization to basically call it a day.

Garmin has gotten into the biz with it's Nuvi phone. I like Garmin- I have a Forerunner for my wrist to wear when I hike (Harpers Ferry this weekend- amazing weather and views!) and a Nuvi in my car because my sense of direction is, frankly, pitiful. But the way they sell their phone is just repulsive- squeaky, way-too-excited girl tells us "with my Nuvi, everywhere I go, I feel like a local!" (because she can get maps on her phone.) Personally, I don't want to feel like a "local" when I go to a new place. I think finding my way around someplace new is kind of cool. But that's just me. But even worse- "With my Nuvi, I can talk to my friends as I go to meet them!" (because she can touch a button on her car unit and talk hands-free. Gee, thats super. Because you should never, ever shut your hole for even a moment if you can avoid it.) Thanks to the Garmin Nuvi Phone, you can stare at a screen with a map on it instead of taking in the local sights, and you can gab aimlessly with your friends as you drive. Thanks, Garmin.

And this new Blackberry? "Kim has the unlimited calling plan for her family, so now her son can talk all day." SUPER!!! What a great selling point for Kim, or ANY mom out there! Get a phone which allows your kid to TALK ALL DAY! Because know what he's doing now? Unless he's one of those Milky Minutes pricks who don't care what Mommy's phone bill is, he's being deprived of his God-given right to blather and text away his life. Hell, he might even be playing sports or taking walks or having conversations with people who are actually in the same room! Thank God Kim is fixing the situation by getting a plan that lets her kid talk all day! I hope that kid is in my car on Amtrak when I take my 13-hour trip to Vermont next month for the holidays, and he's more interesting than the woman across the aisle from me last year, who called three different people and told them all about her intestinal issues and her strawberry-and-yogurt diet!

Thanks, Garmin and Blackberry, for speeding up the process of turning our country into a nation of pathetic, inconsiderate, self-important losers by encouraging them to spend their days giving themselves brain cancer (please oh please oh please) with their electronic security blankets. I hope the money helps break the fall when you decend to the innermost ring of hell.

Be a Man! Buy a Truck!

If you watch football on Sundays, you probably already know that it's GMC Truck Month. In fact, by my reckoning, we are entering the sixth week or so of GMC Truck Month. To be fair, it's entirely possible that I'm confusing Ford Truck Month with GMC Truck Month- perhaps they overlap? But to tell you the truth, I rarely remember what truck I just saw plow across my screen, let alone the company that built it.

Here's what I do notice- that buying a truck is all about Being an American Male. It's not just Denis Leary's voice sneering that it's time to put down the fricking protractor, Poindexter, and get yourself into one of these behemouths. It's not just Howie Long nodding condescendingly at Not Quite Masculine Enough Lesser Truck Owner as he attempts to use his truck's "man-step." It's the constant To Hell With You and Your Girly Planet, Pansy imagery that adorns all these commercials- the crashing through forests and streams, the leaping small canyons in the desert, and the apparently endless search for mud to spatter all over these oversized monsters.

And if the connection between blatant maleness and dirty trucks isn't obvious enough, not to worry- virtually every other scene is something heavy and filthy being dropped from five feet or so (WHY? Why can't the battleship engine, shipment of lead pipes, or pallet of Big Greasy Things be placed into the truck bed instead of dropped?) accompanied by a spray of dirt and oil into the screen. In case you STILL aren't convinced, stay tuned as dirt-encrusted men emphatically clap their filthy gloved hands together, slam doors to create clouds of dust (whenever I see this I wonder, Why are these guys pissed at their trucks?) and grin at us through coats of grime on their lined, determined-to-do-something-manly faces.

I don't get it. What does buying a truck in order to wreck its shocks and cover it in filth have to do with being a man? Are there really a lot of guys out there who need trucks with "sufficient payload?" (oh, if only Freud were here to deal with THAT claim.) Whenever I see one of these trucks on the road, it's being driven by a guy in a suit, and it's so clean it gleams. I wouldn't even know WHERE to take a truck to give it its required coat of gunk. Would I be expected to mix up mud in my back yard and just douse it before heading off to Office Depot to buy a truckload of heavy stuff?

And is GMC Truck Month going to end sometime before Christmas?

To Own One is to Love One?

"My mom, she has one..."

"My sister."

"My next door neighbor has one..."

"My nephew got one last year, when he went away to college."

What are all these people talking about? Why, the people they know who own a Honda, of course. Well, that's all very nice- they know people who own Hondas. So what?

Narrator: "Everyone knows someone who loves a Honda..."

Um, excuse me? I didn't hear anyone say they knew someone who "loves" a Honda. I heard people say they knew someone who OWNS a Honda. Why is that the same thing?

I own a Honda because they are inexpensive and reliable. My parents own a Honda, as does one of my brothers, and my niece. I'm pretty happy with my car, and so are my relatives. When it's time to replace my car, will I buy another Honda? Yeah, probably- my last car was a Honda, and I'm satisfied with the performance, gas mileage and (for the most part) upkeep costs. Would I consider buying another brand? I guess- though my preference would be for another Honda.

Do I love my Honda? Well, no. The interior noise is loud, and I had to replace the clutch after only 65,000 miles. Besides, it's a car. I don't love cars. But as far as Honda is concerned, because I own one, I must love one, I guess.

Hey Honda- you make a good product. It's very popular in this country. Congratulations. Be happy with your success in the marketplace, and don't stick words in our mouths, ok? Leave that to the Health Care Industry, which thinks that if you have health insurance, you are "happy" with your coverage. Ok?

I'll Give you a Dollar to Go Away

Scruffy guy with dollar bill walks up to Travel Agent and asks "where can I go for this?"

Instead of being sensible and saying "nowhere" or ignoring the idiot, the travel agent feels compelled to to give this pathetic slob a little plastic palm tree she had affixed to her desk. "It's yours," she says, implying that she doesn't want the dollar. She has no way of knowing that the guy has no intention of giving up that dollar in any case, as we see when....

Same guy gets into a taxi and asks "how far can I go for this?" Much More Sensible Cab Driver replies "you can get out." And out the idiot goes.

Same guy is then seen walking down the street, carrying a paper hanger some dry cleaner gave him in exchange for Our Favorite Moron's exit from the store.

Finally, the guy walks into a McDonald's. "What can I get for this?" he asks the way-too-proud-of-his-conglomerate-masters schmo manning the register. A tape recorder apparently sitting where the McDonald's worker's soul used to be clicks on and the employee begins to blather about the restaurant's Dollar Menu options- "you can get a Meaty, Melty McDonald's Double Cheesburger with all the amenities." (Seriously, the guy uses the word "amenities" to describe a slice of orange cheese, two pickles, and one squirt each of ketchup and mustard.) "Or, you can get a delicious McChicken sandwich. Or any of the other delicious options on our dollar menu that's always here for you." "Here for you?" That's the first time I've ever heard that phrase outside of a soap opera.

Here's the punchline- we see the guy sitting at a booth, eating his cheeseburger- PLUS a large soda, PLUS a hot fudge sundae!!! Somehow, this guy's quest to buy something- ANYTHING- with his last dollar has turned into a $3 purchase! What the hell? If he had three dollars, why didn't he ask the Travel Agent or Cab Driver what it would buy him?

One more thing- Taco Bell has pulled crap like this too, showing us an idiot running around collecting pennies (including stealing one from a kid selling lemonade- pure class) until he has 88 cents to buy a taco. Never is the concept of TAXES mentioned. The items in the McDonalds Dollar Menu don't cost a dollar- they cost a dollar PLUS TAX. So the correct answer to this idiot's "what can I buy for this?" question is "nothing, unless you have a little change to add to it." I wish commercials would stop pretending that the people living in them exist in some tax-free paradise.

While I'm at it: "Washington. If you are thinking of putting a tax on Meaty Melty McDoubles, "Fruit" pies and Milkshakes, DON'T. You may think it's just pennies, but those pennies add up when you are trying to feed a family!"