You WILL be Assimilated

I bet this guy had dreams, once. I bet they didn't include growing up to be fat, balding patsy for Dominos, willingly whoring out his miserable life and his equally trailer park-ready wife and clinging spawn for a few seconds of "fame," such as it is.

I mean, just look at this choad. We are told that he's "one of the few holdouts" who have yet to try Dominos "new" pizza. Well, how DARE he not want to add to his already-likely spiking cholesterol count by chowing down on Dominos patented carbs, cheese, and sugar-laded tomato sauce, delivered right to your door so you don't even have to get off your expanding butt any longer than it takes to hand over the cash?

Maybe Scott realized that while the Rogaine didn't work, it wasn't too late to increase his intake of fruits, veggies and whole grains and cut out the processed crap, only to discover that his decision to actually consider what he's putting into his mouth means he's going to be harassed from all angles, with billboards and banners projecting a spotlight on the nonconformist until he joins the rest of America in the Land of the Morbidly Obese?

So which is it, Scott? Are you just a shameless loser who thought that America would enjoy watching you and your ugly family pretend to succumb to peer pressure and finally accept the fact that eating greasy, artery-clogging junk is What We Do Here in the USA? Or are you a guy who had just decided to turn his life around, only to be stalked by a pizza franchise until you agreed to shovel poison into your mouth while muttering "this is really good (and hopefully thought-bubbling "now please, I beg of you- get off my porch, before McDonald's learns I haven't taken advantage of their Two Triple Cheeseburgers for Three Dollars Deal- my doctor said that my next coronary will almost certainly be my last?")