An Open Letter to the Miller Brewing Company

I know you want to sell beer. I know that you beer companies ran out of fresh ideas on HOW to sell bear roughly thirty years ago. And I know that times are tough, and no doubt your CEOs have passed down the word that actual "writers" are not to be hired when creating scripts for your ads.

And yes, I realize that these ads don't include beer-crazed lunatics who live in houses made entirely of full cans. I realize that they don't involve guys bungee-jumping to steal beer, assholes asking questions of long-retired NFL coaches, or guys disdaining sex in favor of appreciating beer cases with "windows" and color-changing cans.

But still- the Hot Bartender with Zero Social Skills bit has gotten really, really old. First, bartenders simply don't ask questions like "do you want a beer that tastes great or like shit?" Second, last time I checked, bartenders didn't pimp one brand exclusively while angrily dismissing all others. Third, I don't care HOW hot the bartender is- these people work almost exclusively on tips, and it's kind of hard to get tips from people you've openly mocked for the hideous crime of not knowing what brand of light beer they want.

I mean, come on. It's one thing for the bartender to helpfully suggest a Miller Lite when the customer doesn't have a clue. It's another thing ENTIRELY for the bartender to openly question the customer's manhood, style of dress, or relationship with his mother. Yes, I am sure that there are a lot of people out there who think these bartenders are being funny. Those people are called morons, and they have my contempt, and they richly deserve it. (And if they think this situation would be funny in real life, they are used to being the object of contempt.)

So please, enough. What these bartenders are doing to their customers is stupid, and demeaning, and insulting to my intelligence (not insulting to the intelligence of YouTube bottom-feeders, because it's hard to insult what simply isn't there.) I want to see more Bartender Makes Customer Look Stupid Because He Answered Question Incorrectly ads about as much as I want to see a return of Punch Dub Days.

But all is forgiven if this horrid ad campaign raps up with a Superbowl Commercial featuring an insulted customer who snaps and torches the bar, leaving the offending bartender to go back to her old job pole-dancing. That might even be worth an LOL on YouTube's comment thread.

Come on, Miller. I dare you. Man Up!!

(BTW, please note that for the hil-ARIOUS punchline to be set up, the guy in the "skinny jeans" has to ask "is the score still 30-32?" Nobody talks like that- unless, of course, he's required to to set up a stupid closing "joke." Another fail, Miller Lite.)