So you're still a little girl. Your price has just gone up.

This time of year, jewelery commercials almost manage to crowd out cell phone ads, and they certainly give them a run for their money when it comes to utter, pointless loathsomeness. And that is really saying something.

In this particular commercial for something called "chocolate diamonds" (I don't know. I don't want to know) we see a little girl staring at a plate of chocolates in a shop. Presumably a parent is nearby and this little girl is letting that parent know that she just adores chocolates and would be ever so happy if said parent would purchase little girl some of those yummy chocolates. Ok, lots of kids love chocolate. Nothing offensive here.

But then we see the same girl grown up, and she's still audibly cooing over chocolate- except now it's chocolate DIAMONDS. Let's try to figure this out, shall we? When she was a kid, she loved chocolate- but wait, maybe it was just the appearance of chocolate that she liked so much. Because chocolate diamonds are not edible (they aren't, right? I mean, these aren't diamonds actually dipped in chocolate, are they?) So she still loves chocolates- but now they have to be really expensive chunks of rock. And because deep down she's still a little girl, she's still going to find some adult to make aware of her stupid obsession, 'cause maybe he'll get the hint and buy her the pretty little things she saw in the display case, just like daddy did when she was REALLY a little girl.

Sure enough, this nasty, pain-inducing little nub of an ad ends with Allegedly Grown Up Girl getting the "chocolate diamonds" (seriously, what?) and giving Daddy/Husband an appreciative smile and hug (which really can't mean anything more than "awww, you were paying attention when I was drooling all over these things in the store, I'm glad I brought you with me!" although I'm sure the guy hopes it also means "ok, I'll keep having sex with you- for a few more months, anyway. Valentine's Day is February 14th by the way, and this doesn't count.")

What it all boils down to is what all of these awful jewelry commercials boil down to- women love shiny things, and in a way, men love them too- because women are really obvious about loving shiny things and also really willing to let men know exactly which shiny things they love the most, they make gift-giving a no-brainer. "What do I know about my wife? Well, she likes pretty rocks. So if I get her a pretty rock, I'm safe." Everyone's a winner. Except the television viewers, but when have we ever counted?