Kay Jewelers (and Tide) would like to have a word with you, young woman!

We've identified a subject for assimilation.

Who do you think you are? A GUY? Buying ropes and boots and climbing rocks instead of changing diapers and bundling the Miracles into the minivan for soccer/swim/dance class? Heading off for a vacation with your boyfriend instead of rolling a cart around the local supermart looking for the Pedisure and the Indian guy offering free samples of twigs held together by honey? Drooling over climbing equipment instead of chocolate diamonds?

You, lady, are the reason the birth rate has been dropping in this country since the 1960s. You and women like you, who insist on pretending that there's more out there than the house in the suburbs and the next meal and the next Miracle. For shame.

On the other hand, you aren't a hopeless case. You've got the "use your credit card constantly in order to build up 'Rewards Points' and then use those points on something wasteful and stupid" thing down cold (remember those "you can donate your points to charity" ads that came out a while back? I can- just barely- because I don't see them anymore. Didn't test well, I guess.)

But enough is enough. When you are finished posing on the top of your rock (how much did the guy in the helicopter with the attached camera cost?) get yourself to Jerad or Kay and tell that man of yours that the game is up, it's time to fork out for another kind of rock- the kind that sits on your finger and announces to the world that you've earned your MRS degree. And get to work on those Miracles. We're counting on you.