Sunday, April 1, 2012
The New I Pad: It's nice to see all those teen-aged Chinese girls didn't die in vain
Here, stare at this thing for a while.
And "by a while," we mean- for the rest of your life. Just look at this. Watch movies on it. Play games on it. Store photos on it- and constantly adjust those photos by rubbing your fingers on it's screen. Make them smaller, then make them bigger. Now, make them smaller again. Adjust their colors. Check your Facebook status. Hey, have you played Angry Birds in the past half hour? Do that. Check your Facebook status again. Watch another movie.
Pretend you have some artistic talent by rubbing your finger on the screen after opening a "paint" program. Now you can be an "artist" in the same way that Guitar Hero once made you a "musician." Don't forget to check those photos again- they remind you that you once had a "life." Back when you needed one- during those dark days before you got yourself a new I Pad.
Get directions to the other side of town. Now, get directions to the train that will take you to the other side of town. Make sure those directions are turn-by-turn, so you can walk down the street to the train without having to look up. Download an App that lets you buy your train ticket by waving this thing at a machine at the station. As soon as you sit down on the train, check your Facebook status again. Play Angry Birds. Work on your "art" some more. Watch another movie- don't worry about attaching headphones. There are probably other people on the train- don't look up to find out though- but I'm sure they won't mind hearing the movie right along with you. How's that photo collection holding out?
The New I Pad: Because when a screen becomes this good, why ever look up? This screen is so good, it brings you closer to the things you love; for instance, your new I Pad. See how nicely this all comes together?
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The annoying thing is that Amazon wants to turn the Kindle into a junior-grade iPad. No wonder the dad on Curtis is pissed.
ReplyDeleteI understand that Amazon is coming out with a new ad campaign for the Kindle: "It was fun while it lasted, but after all, Technology is here to be abused, and money is money."
ReplyDeleteOh, COME ON! Nobody died making an iPad. Seriously, you could get sued for statements like that. You're worse than Mike Disney.
ReplyDeleteSome Chinese girls may have died because they weren't a son to carry on the family name, though.
ReplyDeleteYou seriously need to do some research, Derek. Your ridiculous worship of unfettered Capitalism is getting really old.
ReplyDeleteI imagine I could get sued for my comments concerning the I Pad and the vicious, brutal treatment of the girls who work 36-hour shifts to build them, if not for the annoying fact that what I wrote is TRUE.
http://www.thenation.com/article/166308/apples-china-comes-home-haunt-us
ReplyDeleteI know the working conditions are horrible, but nobody has DIED, which is what you claimed, while building an iPad. There is still a difference. You have gone from a bad situation to the absolute worst, and that is not satiric hyperbole, and it's not funny. It's a viscious lie that, along with others, will distract potential outrage from actual problms.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, whatever, Derek. Apparently, to you, people committing suicide out of despair, exhaustion and pain from overwork does not constitute "dying." Life's too short to continue to argue with you, though. Have a nice life- the kids building I Pads can only dream of one.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you just come clean and admit that A) you own an I Pad and resent those unfamiliar feelings of guilt which keep bubbling up, or B) you are a major stockholder in Apple who doesn't want to notice the blood dripping off your money?
Coming next: Derek lets us know that nobody has ever actually DIED as a result of a coal mine explosion; it was the rocks and the natural gas which actually killed the miners.
You're an idiot who can't think.
ReplyDelete"Apparently, to you, people committing suicide out of despair, exhaustion and pain from overwork does not constitute "dying." "
No, I don't. There is nothing that can happen here that is worse than dying. Suicide is not a viable option in any circumstance. People make th choice to kill themselves, they aren't "victims" driven to it.
P.S. "Why don't you just come clean and admit that A) you own an I Pad and resent those unfamiliar feelings of guilt which keep bubbling up, or B) you are a major stockholder in Apple who doesn't want to notice the blood dripping off your money?"
I'm not rich enough to own either, let's leave it at that. You hae a strong aversion to admitting you lied, I hae a strong aversion to your lying, so we could argue forever. I'm not interested in doing that, and since neither of us will convince the other, the arguement's pointless. I'll break it off here.
"There is nothing that can happen here that is worse than dying. Suicide is not a viable option in any circumstance."
ReplyDeleteWow, Derek, I almost feel bad about posting this, and I'd be glad to delete it if you come to your senses. I really hope you are a very young boy, because if you managed to reach adulthood with this mindset, that's just heartbreaking. You've reached the point where you A) don't believe people in the I Phone factory have committed suicide, and B) if they have committed suicide, they weren't driven to it, because nobody is driven to it.
Sick.
Please, take your bizarre, freakish level of ignorance someplace else. You've made me shake my head before, now you are just making me sick. However, I'll keep my promise, and will be more than happy to delete your latest post, if you request it.
You have a lot to learn. Good luck with that.
Okay, here's my request.
ReplyDeleteI mostly got angry when you assumed that i was a stockholer in Apple. I shouldn't have called you an idiot, and I'm sorry. I know about the horrors in Chinese factories, and I don't condone any of it. I still don't think suicide is the answer to hardship though.
So, sorry again for calling you an idiot.
P.S. Your comments about the landscape in the commercial were a little misguided. It's hard to draw on a computer, even with touchscreen. I've tried to illustrate some of my stories that way, so I know.