You lost me at "Hello"

It all started in that high school football game when you accidentally avoided a tackle and some choad with a video phone caught it and responded by bleating "Hello," which I guess is the modern American version of "Wow."  I liked "Wow" better.

Then the moron decided to post your stunt on to YouTube- no doubt under the Uber-Clever title of "Hello," and it, umm, "went viral."  To speakers of the English language, that means it was shared all over the world.  In modern parlance, it "got a lot of hits."  I really hate the century I'm living in, but now is not the time for that particular rant, so I'll just go on.

Eventually, a scout for some Big Ten school caught your act on YouTube, and sent a recruiter to meet with you after a game (maybe the same game.  Why not? I think the idea is that AT&T makes these things happen really quickly.

And  before you knew it, you had agreed to accept a scholarship to come to the recruiter's college, pretend to take a few classes now and then, and play a lot of football.  When you accepted the scholarship, you agreed that it could be cancelled after the first year, the second year, or the third year, so you'd better have a few more "Hello" moves left in you.  You also agreed to that the school now owned your name, which it would plaster on everything from $5 sports drink bottles to $175 jerseys in the gift shop.  You also agreed that the NCAA now owned your image, which it would use in video games for the next several years without handing over one dime in residuals to you.  By the way, if you accept a free movie ticket or a discounted ride home for the holidays from a booster, you'll find yourself stripped of that scholarship and ineligible for the pro  draft- must protect the sanctity of the scholar-athlete ideal, you know.

When it's all over, if you've been very careful and allowed the NCAA and your---umm,  "school" to make big bucks off your sweat until both decided you were disposable, you have a roughly 1 percent chance of landing with an NFL team.  Which means you have a 99 percent chance of being on the unemployment line until an assistant coaching job at the local high school opens up.  Then you get to say Hello to life on a $19,000 annual salary.

But hey, awesome move in that game.  You can check it out on YouTube.

Quick Tips about Buying Trucks! And Pardon the Exclamation Points!

1.  If you find yourself chattering excitedly with the salesperson about the truck you just took on a test drive, try to remind yourself that only one of you is being asked to commit to shelling out $30,000 or more over the next four years to pay for it!!

2.  In the same vein- try to remember that the guy you are getting all giddy with over the stupid truck will be making a commission if he can translate your childish excitement over buying a showy ManMobile into your actual purchase of said machine!!

3.  Meanwhile, try to remember that if you actually took this truck on a Test Drive through a shallow stream, kicking up enough rocks and dirt to cover it with 1/8th inch of mud, that mud is hiding scratches and maybe even a few dents!  And since in your heart of hearts you know you'll never actually being doing this with a truck again, maybe you'd like to demand a brand-new, unscuffed truck instead of the one you just damaged!!

Or maybe you are just so determined to prove yourself another Alpha Male to the Total Stranger Salesguy You Will Probably Never See Again that you'll slather mud all over your hand before you use it to shake on the deal, and you'll insist that the mud stays on the truck until you drive it off the lot, already worth at least a grand less than what you paid for it!!!  In which case, you probably won't pay the slightest attention to the tips I've listed above!!  Ok, I tried!!

No matter how you look at it, nobody condescends and panders like Verizon

This commercial shows nothing more effectively than the willingness of camera-hungry idiots to subject themselves to pandering crap in order to score a few moments of screen time.  The Verizon spokeschoad here does everything but use hand puppets to make his blindingly obvious point- that according to Verizon, no phone company offers more coverage than Verizon.

He starts off with a graph and asks the eager focus group if they are capable of reading it.  Somewhat surprisingly, they all are.  Or at least, they all do a pretty good job faking it.  Then he shows basically the same chart, presenting the same material from a different angle.  Not only do they get it, but they are starting to get the joke, too- they are being spoon-fed Verizon-approved data in a pedantic, ponderous and painfully self-serving package which would make Rachel Maddow proud.

Anyway, this insulting mess ends with one of the participants actually speaking up and giving us the closest we are going to get to "ok, we get it, shut up now."  "It doesn't matter how you present the figures...." well, quite right.  And the fact that Verizon thinks it does shows us that

A)  Verizon thinks we are really, really stupid and doesn't mind letting us know that it thinks this way, or

B)  Verizon thinks that it's superiority is so obvious to anyone with the IQ of a dung beetle, it's a little pissed that it even had to make this ad.

Samsung continues to make this just way too easy

Some of us destroy zombies, some of us just feed them.  And some of us just Are Them.

And sometimes, the punchlines just write themselves.

Since there's really nothing else to add, I'll throw in two points that occurred to me on third viewing:  First, these chuckleheaded overgrown children are playing their pointless, witless little zombie game while sitting in a public place- and neither are using headphones or even earbuds.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- when are people with portable radios or these idiot boxes ever going to re-activate that tiny, shriveled-from-lack-of-exercise part of their brain which governs consideration for other people?

Second, I'm not a big fan of violence on television, but if the guy here wants to slap the meddling old woman across the skull after she makes her unsolicited comment, that would be fine with me.  Totally different opinion if she wasn't also playing with her phone- if she were reading a book, or just sitting quietly, attempting to enjoy a little solitude but unable to do so because these two infants were blathering about their dumbass game, I'd say she was completely justified in speaking up.  But not if she's just f--ing around with her own brain cell vampire.  Since that is what we see her doing here, feel free to slug away, buddy.  Then go invest in a brand new phone, tossing aside the one you have now, which was perfectly functional until you realized you couldn't use it to win at zombie games.

"I like to win."  At video games played on your phone.  Mom and Dad must be Uber-proud.

"Moron" just doesn't cut it here, but I'm pretty tired, so I'll just leave it at that.

How sick does this make me, GEICO? I'm so glad you asked....

You get the idea that the suits over at GEICO got sick of someone's complaining about the stupid lizard, the insipid cavemen, and all the rest of the army of spokeschoad gimmicks that make up the company's advertising strategy.  (No, this does NOT mean that I am taking responsibility for this latest atrocity.)  So they decided to unleash this horror on us- a potentially unlimited basket of "Happier Than ..." commercials guaranteed to leave us constantly diving for the remote roughly 800 times per NFL game and at the conclusion of every inning.

Over at GEICO, the guy who came up with this campaign (burn in hell) is being congratulated for making it possible for anyone over the age of eight and the brain power required to tie his shoelaces to "create" a GEICO commercial without even trying (as if this weren't the case already.)  Think you aren't going to see eighty or ninety "How Happy is that, Jimmy?' commercials over the next two or three years?  How long have you been an incurable optimist?

Our only real hope now is that the company goes under in the Depression of 2013, which I am now rooting for.  Because I can live with 25% unemployment and soup kitchens.  Stupid ugly dicks picking at banjos and bleating terrible "punchlines?"  I'm not sure.

Oh, and BTW, GEICO- nobody under the age of forty knows who the hell Gallagher is, and nobody over the age of forty gives a damn.  I know you don't care, but I thought I'd let you know, anyway.

The word "No" would work here, too, Samsung.

Right off the bat- do you believe for one minute that this group of disgustingly rude camera hogs- the black guy, the fat white guy, the Asian chick, and the rest- are actually friends?  I'm sorry, but I can't imagine why these people would be standing on this pier, or anywhere else, together.  This is a problem created by the world of Advertising Political Correctness.  It would be much more realistic if the group were five teen-aged girls,* but we can't have that because someone, somewhere would angrily complain that...ummm, that....ummm, something.**

Ok, let's set that point aside and pick up another one- exactly what is preventing the "victim" here from telling this group "you know what? I think that's enough photos for now- I'm in kind of a hurry?"  That's if he wants to be polite.  He could also go with "sorry, but I can't stand here all day taking pictures of you idiots making asses of yourselves."  But if he's going to be a dishrag willing to be jerked around by half a dozen idiots he doesnt' even know, I don't see how he has any business rolling his eyes or mentally bitching about it.   Hey, buddy- you aren't being a martyr here.  You are just being a spineless loser and if you don't grow a backbone, you'd better get used to being treated like this.

And I really don't get the commercial's punchline at all- apparently, the message is that if everyone just gets these new Samsung phones, innocent bystanders won't be put out by constant demands for group photos.  But the people in this ad get all their photos.  Wouldn't this make more sense if the jogging guy refused to accommodate their insatiable demand for photos, and the group couldn't find anyone else to take more than one photo, so were, ummm.....stuck having to deal with the painfully complicated problem of sending that photo to the other phones?

As near as I can tell, this is the embedded message of this ad- it's a pain when a group of people keep asking the same guy to take multiple photos with different phones.  The solution- everyone gets a Samsung Galaxy III phone, so one picture can be shared among all the phones.  But the Samsung-less people here aren't suffering- so why are they investing in expensive new phones?

Oh and BTW, if the posing pustules are going to demand a hundred photos, how does using one camera help the hostage taking the pictures, anyway?  "Ok, stand there for the next twenty minutes taking pictures of us doing stupid things.  It's more convenient now, because you can keep using the same phone."  Um, what?

*Please don't attack me for using teen-aged girls as an example.  I've been a High School teacher for 18 years, and I've been on enough field trips to know all about which groups of people like multiple photos taken.   I've experienced the joy of standing in place with a camera in my hand and half a dozen lying at my feet.  But those were CAMERAS.  If you can send photos from phone to phone already, why do you need phones that can instantly share the photo through touching? It just makes my head hurt.

**I like the way the Group that is Superior Because They Have Samsung Phones twenty yards away on the same pier is just as diverse as the group with cameras- black girl, white blonde girl, Guy of Uncertain Ethnicity, Scruffy Fat White Guy.  Maybe I just live in the wrong part of the country, but around these parts, people simply do not travel in bands like this.

Of MommyWife, Creepy Husband, and Cold Cuts

Anyone else have a hard time buying the idea that this glowing-white, dust-free, polished-to-gleaming house comes with a SHED?  Seriously, this woman must have an army of Guatemalan wage slaves working ten hours a day, picking up lint with tweezers.  Weird.

I generally don't like the "MommyWife as Disciplinarian" bit, but it does become easier to take when the guy is depicted as a totally clueless, "I'd be in jail or dead in five minutes without you hon" doofus, like this guy is.  No, adding the girl you hire to babysit your kids as a Facebook Friend is not a good idea.  Most adult males get this on their own (not all.)  But it's probably a good thing that he ran it past MommyWife first.

(Most adult males who are interested in being "Friends" with their kids' babysitter won't run it past MommyWife, seems to me.  So I at least give this guy that much.)

And no, those jeans don't work for you, buddy.  Again, this is something you should have been able to figure out yourself- but heck, I guess that's why you picked out this particular MommyWife.  You needed someone to guide you away from stupid decisions because somehow you never acquired this skill on your own.  Which begs the question- why did MommyWife pick YOU?  Oh yeah- there's that big, gleaming house.

Naturally, the ad ends with kind of a fail- Having prevented her husband from inaugurating an inappropriate relationship with the babysitter or buying way-too-tight jeans (think there might be a Mid-Life Crisis brewing here?) she proceeds to give her thumbs-up to packaged cold cuts.  Preservatives or No Preservatives, those things are filled with salt and fat, not to mention being just about the most expensive way imaginable to buy meat.  But she says Yes.  Which leads me to believe that maybe MommyWife has had enough of doofus creepy husband.  I bet the "I want to get to know the babysitter better" thing was the tipping point.

Samsung gives me a brilliant idea for a Bond Movie

I'm a reclusive multi-billionaire with an irrational hatred of civilization.  Despite my many houses, private jets, gorgeous secretaries and army of minions, my principal goal is to wreck frightful havoc on the population.  I don't really have a motive- but if Barbara Brocolli and Michael Wilson insist, I want another billion dollars or I'll carry out my evil master plan, I swear I will.

Here's my master plan:  I've created a cell phone with a feature so repulsive, so antisocial, so downright rage-inducing that using it will trigger massive, uncontrollable violence whenever it is used.   This device will allow the phone's owners to seize control of television screens in bars and at sporting events, and to project any image they want on to those screens.

Now, I know that society's ability to absorb the stunningly thoughtless, selfish actions of electronics-armed asshats has been repeatedly tested over the years, and may seem to have no limits.  We've moved on from personal stereos that leak "music" throughout buses and subway cars to ridiculously loud ringtones followed by even louder "personal" conversations to streaming video accompanied by even more noise.  Not to mention the ubiquitous Bluetooth blathering and zombie texting during what is supposed to be a date and you are supposed to be talking to me, the person who bought the lunch you aren't eating, not whoever is at the other end of the phone....

Sorry, rant over. Back to my post.

I'm convinced that my evil new device is the proverbial straw that snaps the camel's back.  Unless I get that billion dollars, I'm going to drop several thousand of my phones over every major city in the United States, where they will be picked up and used by every witless jerk who will instantly think that they are the Coolest Things Ever, until they are righteously pounded into slushy pudding by people who were just trying to watch the game or carry on a quiet conversation (I think this still happens, somewhere.)

Better yet, I won't drop them randomly on to every major city.  I'll make a commercial and sell the damn things.  That way I'll get a billion dollars and instead of being labeled an evil megalomaniac, I'll be interviewed on MSNBC as an innovative genius.

Pointless Nightmare Fuel, Courtesy of AT&T

Somehow, AT&T tracked down the characters who were roaming through my brain as I tossed and turned and tried to sleep off my last bender and put them into a commercial.

This isn't a bad commercial, as far as cell phone ads go, though I do find the conclusion more than a little depressing and pointless.  First of all, Daddy is telling a bedtime story to Junior because Daddy is too busy flying around the world whoring for money to actually be WITH his child.  (Junior will thank you later, Daddy.  Probably through Facebook, but hey, you set this up.)  Second, absolutely nothing his happening here that wasn't perfectly possible before the creation of cell phones.  Fifty years ago, Daddies were calling their little sons from hotel rooms and reading them bedtime stories, because fifty years ago, there were these things called phones and books.  They just had wires and actual pages.  I don't get how what we see here is an improvement on that.

But I still think that the "fairy tale" figures wandering their way to Junior's house are far more creepy than cute, more demonic than magical.  If I looked out my window and saw these things staring back at me, I would probably go into shock.  I would at the very least swear off the Smirnoffs for a week or two.

It's a car. Now, grow the hell up.

1.  If you drive a car to have "fun," you seriously need to get yourself a life-- and I suggest that you look somewhere other than your local Ford Dealer.  Seriously, I thought that only adults were allowed to drive cars.  I must be mistaken, as so many car commercials gush about how "fun" and "exciting" it is to manipulate several tons of steel and plastic and electronics from Point A to Point B.

2.  If you are so frustrated because your car isn't entertaining you that you pull over and kick it, never mind getting a life- get yourself some therapy.  It's ok to kick your car if it won't start for the 9th time this month.  It's NOT ok to kick your car because it's not keeping you in a state of perpetual giddiness.  Seriously.  Therapy.

3.  I would like to see a law passed banning the use of poetry in car commercials.  Or ads of any kind.  They are always cloying, cutesy and bad.  Zero exceptions.

4.  On the other hand, I have no problem with the use of computer-generated cartoon figures instead of actual...um, "actors" (using that term VERY loosely.)  I know it's a money-saving device and the Screen Actor's Guild is probably irritated about it, but I don't mind being spared the ordeal of watching stupid people doing and saying stupid things for thirty seconds at a time.

I thought Dennis Leary was the Authority on All Things Male

First of all, let me say once again how much I love it when fat unshaven doofuses with ugly wives and no taste in clothing show up on my tv screen to let me know "what guys like." (In this case, it seems that "guys like" rims. I think that's what he said, anyway- and I'm not going to keep watching this junk just to make sure I get it right.)
Listen, Scruffy Tub of Pudding in a Shirt- if I want to know what "guys like," you are NOT the guy I'm going to ask, ok?

Second, I'd like to know where these Taller than Average Trolls took the Camry on a test drive. The female chirps something about power and about being low to the ground (again, I really don't know what she says, and I don't care all that much.) Apparently the test drive convinced them that this was the perfect vehicle to speed through deserts in. Once again, the car company is not in the least interested in showing us something remotely familiar. Cars in commercials are always driving up sand dunes and ice burgs, crashing through seas of mud and (formerly) tranquil forests...as if Fun, Exciting Lives are included in some optional package available for a Limited Time Only. I'm going to wrap this up by mocking the male model for lawn gnomes one more time- seriously, buddy, don't tell me what "guys like." Not when you are standing there wearing those clothes, next to that woman. Because new car or no new car, you don't have clue one.

You've got Questions, I've got Answers. And Radio Shack still has batteries, last time I checked

Every once in a while, I like to change things up a bit by giving my take on a vintage ad.  So, today I'll be giving my take on a vintage ad.  There, got the first paragraph taken care of, anyway.

Know how you can tell this cell phone ad is really, really old (circa 1995, or as the kids like to call it, the Stone Age?)  No, not from the cell phones the size of shoe boxes.  No, not from the cheesy-fake "snow" used to put us in the mood for Christmas giving and all that crap.  Not from the paper phone contract filled out in pen at Radio Shack (even then, the fine print read $40 Activation fee, 20 free minutes per month, 5-year contract with auto-renewal, $400 early cancellation fee.) And no, not from the hair styles or the big ugly cars.

Here's how you can tell this is a really old ad for cellphones- the people who wrote this one actually attempt to show us potential consumers exactly why being able to call someone from someplace other than a house or a phone booth could benefit our loved ones.  We don't see people sending pointless texts or watching movies or playing idiotic video games.  Nope- the people in this ad are, incredibly, using their phones to let people know that they need help, will be late, etc.  I bet it's been at least a decade since any cell phone ad   demonstrated a practical use for their product.  Ah, the 1990s- the Age of Innocence, wasn't it?

(Ok, so we see a woman who is going to be late because....Godzilla is wrecking havoc on the Expressway.  I'd still rather see that than a woman using her new Samsung Galaxy III to watch Twilight on the subway.)

Of course, I didn't own a cell phone in the 1990s.  Maybe I was subconsciously waiting for the geniuses at AT&T to give them  more features, like texting and video streaming and connectivity to something called Facebook, as soon as that was invented just in time to usher in a new generation of pathetic addicts.  Or maybe it's because back then, teenagers just didn't own cell phones ;>).

By the dawn of the new millennium, phone companies were pretty much out of "this is why you need a cell phone" ads and had moved on to "this is why you want a cell phone" ads disguised as "this is why you need a cell phone" ads.  And the race to the bottom was on (I thought it was the ability to take a video and put it on YouTube four seconds later, but I'm sure we haven't reached it yet.)

(By the way....anyone else think that Mike was probably not all that disappointed to learn that his wife and kids would be a little late?  Jesus, you could cut glass with that voice.)

Oh yeah- this is really healthy, Hyundai

This just in:  Hatred of families isn't just for cell phone commercials anymore!

Seems that Hyundai has joined the Hi-LARIOUS fun of Mom v. Dad advertisements.  In their inaugural effort, it's clear right off the bat that Mom and Dad are divorced parents with joint custody of their kids and a world of pent-up resentment toward each other which is manifested in a determination to be Number One with the kids, at all costs.

Dad desperately wants to be The Coolest Father Ever by encouraging his little boy to use the Black Diamond Trail while skiing (and more importantly, to see Daddy using it.)  When Daddy has all his kids, he treats them to ice cream at some place which serves up two gallons of the stuff to each child.  Because he's a tv dad, he can't take the kids camping without setting fire to the tent.  And because Dad doesn't want to be hauled into court again, the constant mantra is Don't Tell Mom.

Meanwhile, Mom is running her own Favorite Parent Offensive, taking her kid paragliding (I don't know if that's really what happened here- is it conceivable that she found a jumping school willing to allow her kid to leap out of an airplane?)  Being a TV Mom, we don't see her doing any more incredibly stupid things- maybe because her one effort is insanely irresponsible enough, but I think it's more likely that TV Moms are really never shown being completely clueless, all-thumbs morons like TV Dads routinely are (no way were we going to see Mom applying a fire extinguisher to a tent, I can promise you that.)

Anyway, this is all really nasty and stupid, with an underlying level of sadness permeating the whole awful mess.  Let's say that Mom and Dad AREN'T divorced and at war for the affection of their children.  Let's say they are married.  So what we see here is that they are living double lives- when they are together, they are strangers who aren't aware that their partner is a fun-loving adventure seeker.  When they are apart, they secretly indulge their Inner Child for the benefit of their actual children- but are so frightened that the spouse may disapprove, they insist that the kids keep the secret from the other parent.  So they are married, they have kids- but they don't know each other.  Like I said, this is pretty sad.

Here's something else that's sad:  That Hyundai thinks this is funny.  And here's something that's both sad and predictable:  The Troglodyte knuckle-draggers over at YouTube think this is LOL AWESOME.   Of course, they think pretty much everything is LOL AWESOME.  Because they are children, too.

Smart TV, for an increasingly helpless culture

Even the usually clueless glue-sniffers over at YouTube get the punchline for this one- the little moppet sitting on the floor has spent so much time being ignored by the other people living in the house, who are so fixated on the Idiot Box Which Rules Over All, that his first words are "Hi, TV."

His proud mother, after noting that Big Brother In HD hasn't responded to moppet's voice command by streaming porn, can only whisper "Wow."  I don't know if the "wow" means "wow, his first words are a salutation to our television set," or "wow, we have that thing on and operating way too often, if it's come to this," but my guess is that it's far more likely to mean "Wow, what an awesome tv.  It even responds to the voice of that kid on the floor- what was his name again?"

Isn't it awesome that this "family" is spending so much time talking to the TV, waving at the tv, using the tv to browse the web and find directions to the hardware store and- let's face it- allow them to avoid any interaction with each other?  Is it safe to assume that if this television doesn't already respond with a personal greeting, the next generation (due out before Christmas) will?  Is it equally safe to assume that when THAT happens, the television just becomes the most popular member of the family?

Meanwhile, I've been talking to MY television for years.  Sure, it's mostly cursing, but how can you blame me?  Look at the crap I have to put up with from it.

Racist. Sexist. Stupid. Your Wal-Mart.

Hispanic women are so stupid, they find victories worthy of High-Fives in their ability to move their cart of Chinese junk to the Lay-Away desk at their local Wal-Mart.  Wow.  Aim High, Sister!!

Black men are so obsessed with big screen televisions and other shiny, glowing objects that they are incapable of noticing ten-foot signs which read WE HAVE LAYAWAY MORONS until a helpful Wal Mart drone points them out..

Hispanic women think that they have actually accomplished something when they commit to buying more than they can afford over a long period of time.  Heck, it worked out really well with that adjustable-rate mortgage, right?

Black men see monthly payments as "bite-sized chunks."  They think about how much they could buy if only everything could be purchased in "bite-sized chunks."  You get the feeling that this guy wistfully remembers the good old days, when VISA allowed him to carry a credit card.  That lasted until he decided that those $35 monthly minimum "bite-sized chunks" were still too big for him to swallow, and he went into default.

Hispanic women and black men are easily seduced by the siren song of the Lay-Away Plan.  The lyrics go  something like this: "Don't live within your means- it's Christmas, after all, and the economy depends on your willingness to go into debt to show people How Much You Love Them.  And it's So Simple- just a little money down, and then a little more every week, and when you get done paying you won't even notice how much you ended up spending because the whole process was so gradual.  And think how happy they'll be with their toys, their video games, their big-screen televisions....how can you put a price on that?"

So, to sum up:  Hispanic women and Black men are easily excited, illiterate children with no financial sense. Thanks for the update, Wal Mart.

Actually, Your Time has passed. Move along now.

"For some people, their time comes when they are young and good-looking and virile.  Sure, it means they get to have great, energetic sex with other young people without the use of expensive purple pills.  Sure, they are unencumbered by children so they can throw cheese and wine in the back of the car and head out for the coast in the middle of the night when the mood strikes them.  But....umm....but....well, I'm sure there are SOME disadvantages...."

"For me, My Time comes now- when I'm over fifty, and I'm up at dawn, ready for dinner at four and curled up in bed with a good book and my cat by eight.  I have to use the bathroom four times a night, I ache pretty much all the time, and I have the libido of a rotting turnip.  The body, too.  Yes, this is MY time.  My time to fall in love again."

All I can say is, thank you OurTime.com for not showing these ads during the dinner hour.  What I don't get is this- I saw this one right after the sixth inning of the Orioles-Rangers Wild Card game, around 10:30 PM Eastern Time.  I can't imagine any potential customers were still awake.

Oh, and a much more snarky Thank You for making me contemplate the idea that the people portrayed in these ads are actually having sex.  I hate you.

As Adrian Monk would say, "Ok, here's what happened..."

"Dog knew that Master was the recipient of an annuity, but that Master was a rather shiftless character who always managed to spend far more than he received from that annuity and was gradually teetering toward insolvency.   Dog realized that if this continued, he'd find himself on the street- and all because stupid Master was so stupid with money.

Dog couldn't let that happen- so Dog came up with a plan.  Dog managed to convince Master to call Peachtree Settlement Services and sell his Annuity for a lump sum of cash.  Suddenly there was money for cars and new doghouses and bones.

But Dog STILL had a problem- Master was as bad as ever with money.  He was going through that lump sum at a record pace.  If Dog didn't do SOMETHING, he was going to find himself right back where he was before Master called Peachtree- with an empty dog dish, a leaky dog house, and an annoying lack of chew bones.

So Dog arranged to murder Master in his sleep, and bury Master in the backyard.  None of the neighbors noticed anything unusual- after all, Dog was always digging in the back yard.  He's a dog, after all.  And because Dog had also convinced Master to call Legal Zoom months earlier, Dog knew that he would be inheriting what was left of Master's lump sum.

But at the Reading of the Will, Dog received an unpleasant surprise- Master hadn't left him his money in a lump sum, but had set up another annuity.  If Dog was going to live the kind of life he wanted- lots of eating and sleeping and licking himself in between checking with his Edward Jones guy- Dog had to get rid of that annuity.  Naturally, Dog called Peachtree Settlement Services again."

As Dog is lead off in....ummm....paw cuffs....he gives Monk (or that other network's Not Monk Ripoff So Stop Saying He Is, the Mentalist) a sidelong "I almost got away with it, I hate you but I also admire you" glance.  Roll credits.

Seriously, though- what DID happen to that Master guy between commercials?  And who is in that car that parks in the driveway in the first commercial?  And what use does Dog have with the convertible in the second commercial?

Man, I really think about this stuff way, way too much.

I guess this is where SiriusXM cut corners to pay Howard Stern

 Armani: Hi, my name is Armani, Thank you for contacting SiriusXM.  How may I help you? Armani: Hello John. Armani: How are you doing today? John Jamele: I switched out a broken SkiFi2 for a new one, and I cant find an FM frequencey Armani: I apologize for the inconvenience caused. John Jamele: I am now told that I need to purchase an FM modulator, where can I find that? Armani: In order to better assist you I will need to access your account.  Would you please provide your telephone or account number? John Jamele: (---------) Armani: Thank you. Armani: Please give me a moment to access your account. Armani: Thank you for your patience. Armani: For the security purpose, could you please verify the Radio Id  and the address with the Zip code? John Jamele: (---------) John Jamele: (--------) Armani: Thank you once again. Armani: Are you near your radio at this time?

Does your radio have a clear view to the sky (please make sure it is not in the garage)? John Jamele: my radio is not in my car.  I have already talked to people about this, I do not want a refresh signal, it does not do any good John Jamele: none of the preprogrammed FM stations on the radio work Armani: Okay. Armani: Please tune to the preview channel (Sirius 184 or XM 1) and let me know when you are ready so I can send a signal

I have sent a signal to your radio, which you will receive in less than 5 minutes. If you do not hear programming on the satellite stations, then you may need another signal. You can easily do this yourself by going online to  http://www.siriusxm.com/refresh or calling our activation hotline at 855-MY-REFRESH John Jamele: none of the recommended stations are available for scrolling on the XM  John Jamele: I did not need that, it will fix nothing. Armani: May I know the error which you are getting? John Jamele: I can not use any of the preprogrammed FM stations available through the scroll wheel on the radio John Jamele: I cannot access any of the recommended stations because they are not preprogrammed Armani: In order to process your request you will need to call Listener Care Product Support at 866-463-5326. Armani: 
Is there anything else I may assist you with? John Jamele: "anything else?" You didnt assist me at all John Jamele: I have already done that Armani: Please give me a moment. John Jamele: you seriously cannot link me to the accessory I need to make this radio work in my car? Armani: May I know the error which you are getting in the radio please? John Jamele: wow, really? Ok- the SkiFi2 comes with pre-programmed FM stations to chose from under "Choose Frequency."   John Jamele: None of the options works Armani: Okay. John Jamele: The options that are recommended on the site are not included in the pre-programmed list of FM stations Armani: May I have your Zip code? John Jamele: SO- I am told I need to install an FM Modulator.  I don't see one on the site- can you tell me which one I need? John Jamele: (------) (still.  Just like I told you a few moments ago.) Armani: Thank you, just confirming. Armani:  http://www.siriusxm.com/frequency?action=form&zip=20912 John Jamele: Let me guess- that's a link to the page showing recommended frequencies Armani: Please refer to the above link.  John Jamele: Which I can't access, because they are not pre-programmed into the SkiFi2 Armani: Yes, you can tune to those frequencies. John Jamele: ok let me check. Armani: Thank you. John Jamele: I have seen this list.  I cannot scroll to any of these options. Armani: Please set the frequency to 1) 90.5
2) 94.3
3) 96.7
4) 98.3
5) 103.1 John Jamele: they are not included in the pre-programmed list on the SkiFi2.  SO- I was told I need an FM Modulator.  Which model works with my radio?  I can't find it on the XM site John Jamele: Wow, really? John Jamele: Do you understand that I cannot set the frequency on the SkiFi to any of those options? Armani: In order to process your request you will need to call Listener Care Product Support at 866-463-5326. John Jamele: Of course.  Thanks very much, this is actually great material for a comedy sketch or my blog.  Armani: John, please call the above number, they will help you. John Jamele: I'll be sure to do that, thanks very much Armani: Thank you. Armani: 
Is there anything else I may assist you with? John Jamele: Um, no thanks.  Armani: I hope that I have answered all of your questions. Thank you for contacting SiriusXM and have a nice day. Armani has disconnected.