Walk and Chew Gum at the same time? Only if there's an App for that

Ugly morons hanging around an office setting being about as Unproductive as possible: Check.

Ugly morons blathering about a "cool" phone:  Check.

Ugly morons "sharing" information by touching their phones together: Check.

Male in the ad ending up on top despite Female's attempt to stab him in the back and claim credit for work he did-- wait a minute, what the hell is THIS?

I feel like Cornwallis at Yorktown- maybe the world didn't come to an end on schedule on December 21, but it's certainly turned upside down.  At least in TV Land.  I mean, when was the last time one of these commercials ended with a Female looking foolish and paying a price for her asshattery, while the Male is portrayed as the Productive, Hard-Working One?  This would be a lot less unsettling if the Male had at LEAST accidentally started a fire, or had been caught playing Angry Birds on his phone during Company hours.  I'm really not sure how to take this.

For now, I think I'll just stop watching this ad at the moment where the Female takes credit for work she did not do.  Because that's when it stops making sense to my tv-trained brain.

I mean, the guy ending up smelling like a rose while the perplexed woman stands there wondering what happened....if this is the shape of things to come, I'm in for a very rocky 2013...

Droid Presents someone's idea of progress

You just know that when this commercial was over, a hundred thousand drooling idiots expressed disappointment in discovering that it's JUST a commercial.  Sorry, losers- you can't ACTUALLY have your precious phones injected into your bloodstream.  You'll just have to keep pretending they are already there.

But don't worry, guys- I'm sure you won't have to wait too long.  I'm sure we are only a year or two away before actually embedding phones into our "brains"  (plenty of room in there for a lot of us.)  Then you'll never, ever, EVER have to live one moment without your Facebook page and your Twitter feed- you know, those things that make your "lives" worth living.  Losers.

Convincing you that debt is good? For Bank Americard, it's as simple as....well, you know.

Ugh, I am so damned sick of the grinning idiots happily telling me how thrilled they are to be getting a tiny rebate every time they join the Never Pay Cash No Matter How Small The Purchase Is parade.  Does it ever, EVER occur to any of these jackanapes that if they weren't taking out tiny loans for everything from cups of coffee at Starbucks to gasoline at BP, they wouldn't be celebrating being handed pennies in exchange for their dollars, but would instead know exactly how much money they have, all the time?

I mean, think about what these people are telling us.  They borrow money constantly.  Which means they are constantly paying interest on that borrowed money.  BUT, Bank of America refunds them one, two, or three percent of their loan, depending on the enabled purchase.  This is supposed to be a great thing.

What they AREN'T telling us- each and every "Bank Americard" user is STILL paying interest rates of 9, 14, or 19% on balances carried over month to month.  Apparently, this simply doesn't matter to the drooling idiots who live off that piece of plastic in their wallets which lets them pretend that stuff is just free because it doesn't cost paper.  This is like regularly borrowing money from a friend because he hands you back a penny every time you borrow a dollar- then charges you $1.05 when you pay the dollar back.  And thinking this is a good deal.

What the hell is the matter with you morons??  There is no such thing as a "good deal" from a Credit Card Company, OK?  Use credit cards to get your car fixed, to buy plane tickets, or to deal with some emergency expense.  Toilet paper?  Coffee?  Gasoline?  Stop being morons with your money!!*

And if you MUST use Credit Cards, at least stop trying to convince me that there's something to be gained by it.

*Says the guy who spends hundreds of dollars a year buying chocolate, bagels, and lunches for kids he's not related to and who won't even remember his name three years after they've graduated, if it takes that long.

No No No No Noooooooooo!!!!

First- maybe this thing is small enough to use "anywhere, anytime" but please- just, don't.  Personally, I'd rather watch people eat McRib sandwiches and then floss than see a single person using this.  "If I see something I can just take it out and zap it."  Yes, and then you can order dessert.  And wonder where your date went so quickly.

Second- anyone else think that that Capislow, the "skin creme clinicially proven to slow hair growth" is likely just aloe used to dull the pain and retard the rash you just gave yourself when you "Crystallized" your hair follicles?

Third- CRYSTALLIZE YOUR HAIR FOLLICLES?  REALLY??

Fourth- why are these guys using this product?  For one thing, there are razors out there.  For another, I haven't seen a guy with at least three day's growth on their faces on tv in about a decade.  As near as I can tell, stubby beards are all the rage- so why would any guy want to use a device that slows hair growth?

Fifth- "three treatment levels to choose from?"  What are the levels- Ineffective, Not Very Effective, and Sort of Effective?  Ok NoNo Spokesperson, give me everything you've got.

Sixth- why am I listening to Dr. Dolev Rafaeli?  Because he's the President and CEO of Radiency, the company that produces this--ummm--- "miracle breakthrough product?"  And his incentive to be straight with me is- what, again?

Seventh- As usual, this thing is supposed to take the place of THOUSANDS of dollars in laser skin treatments.  To anyone slightly smarter than a turnip, shouldn't this immediately send up the BS flare?  I mean, how is this any different from the $20 rubber bands which replace oral surgery or the breath spray for dogs which replaces competent veterinary services?

And finally- isn't this the year 2012? Are there really people out there who are impressed by an LCD display?  Come on, my COFFEE MAKER has an LCD display- I wouldn't trust it to CRYSTALLIZE MY HAIR FOLLICLES!!

Some guys have all the luck

I know this commercial is supposed to be how embarrassed Mom is because she does this pretty damned awesome dance after coming home from Wal Mart.  And yes, being this excited because you've finished your weekly shopping (only 51 more weeks to go, 520 over the next decade, just a little under 1600 trips to Wal Mart over the course of a thirty-year mortgage, marriage or whatever) is not only embarrassing, but quite sad, too.

But I don't get that out of viewing this commercial.  What I get is that husband is nowhere near good enough for this woman.  I mean, come on- he's a fat, balding shlub whose genes helped produce an ugly, dumb-looking kid (HER genes sure as hell didn't contribute to THAT.)  She's a slim, sexy, athletic type who finds joy in shopping at Wal Mart.  Why can't I ever meet girls like this?

I mean, compared to most guys, I'm pretty damned cute.  Compared to this guy? PLEASE!

Cougar Town sure looks like no place I want to visit

I assume from the fifty or so stupid promos I've seen for this intensely dumb-looking show that it's a platform for a sadly aging Courtney Cox, who is apparently under the misapprehension that the camera still loves her and that if she surrounds herself with idiots who feed her straight lines, she can get her career back on track. In other words, a Friends for middle-aged people.

And if the promos tell the story, drinking red wine is as important to the daily plot as Courtney Cox, if not more.  Most of these ads show Cox drinking wine.  Sometimes she's just holding it.  Sometimes she's (very unconvincingly) sipping it.  Sometimes several of the other characters are holding glasses of red wine.  In one promo, all the characters are involved in a drinking game which they make look like a chore rather than fun.  This drinking game, btw, is taking place in the middle of the day.  And they all act like they are being forced to participate, and that the wine is really poor quality.  Acting Much?

Maybe red wine is a key plot point to every episode of Cougar Town.  Or maybe the heavy use of red wine is required to make any of this even remotely entertaining, or bearable.  Because man, this looks bad.  I thought the point of promos was to get people who don't know the show interested in watching it.  If I'm right, this fails for me on an epic scale.  I mean, I'm talking Big Bang Theory scale.  It's really that bad.

For a change of pace, why not offer her the next ring while wading in the surf?

1.  These are the same two people who were doing...umm...something....in the snow last year.  So their tradition is to cavort like little kids until He gives Her a piece of jewelry?

2.  Does the guy in this ad keep this woman locked in a dark room 364 days of the year?  I mean, could she be MORE devoid of color?  She looks like a freaking corpse.

3.  Is a snow-covered field really the best place to hand someone a diamond?  I mean, I really want to see the unedited version, where these two idiots are on their hands and knees, muttering curses under their breath, desperately searching for a tiny piece of transparent rock.  Now THAT would warm my heart.

Oh and BTW, check out the comments on YouTube- it's bad enough that you've got half a dozen idiots begging to know what this stupid song is.  But even when they are told, they keep asking.  What the hell?

All I want for Christmas is an end to these awful Volkswagen Ads

And I wish that everyone in this ad, and the people who wrote it, would find themselves in a dark wood, being slowly torn apart by animals with sharp teeth.  But that's just me.

Since that's not going to happen, I would settle for the salesperson in these ads showing just a tiny modicum of self-respect by not allowing himself to be kidnapped by dickwads who want the test drive to last "forever."  At LEAST drive off while the Asshat Couple is in the restaurant, for Christ's sake.

(BTW- you idiots who thought it was a good idea to lie on the hood of your cheap import?  Hope you like the car as much as you like wasting our time and behaving like childish morons.  Because- guess what? You own it!)

Meanwhile- It's "never been easier to get a Passat?"  What about when you pulled this "Sign and Drive" bit last year?  And the year before?

Actually, it's never been easier to hate Volkswagen.  Well, maybe it was a little easier during "Punch Dub Days."  But it's still very easy, thanks to stupid junk like this popping up on my television every ten minutes or so.

Holiday Ugliness from Buick

This tasteless horror might actually work if it went just a little further in developing the storyline.

Think about it- instead of just going the simple nastiness of a woman being delighted with her new gift- a freaking CAR-for five seconds until a much better car comes cruising slooooowwwllly down the street, let that Buick stop and reveal that the driver is, in fact, the girl's previous boyfriend.  Turns out that HE was dumped last summer when the hotel he booked for them in Acapulco wasn't quite up to her taste, and he's returned with a new hook and a bigger worm.

So instead of "shallow rhymes-with-witch harlot can't be happy and grateful long enough to respond with a decent hug before being distracted by something shinier," we'd get two guys desperately trying to one-up each other to win her....errr, "affection."  Probably ends with one of the guys taking out a second mortgage and buying the biggest rock on display at Jerad's.

That might be a little entertaining.  The commercial they actually give us isn't.  At all.  Instead, it's incredibly mean-spirited and cruel, and if I were a woman I would be really ticked at the portrayal of my sex in this ad.

Personally, if I were the guy in this commercial, I'd take back the keys to the car I just attempted to give her, and urge her to follow her dreams....err, that is, chase that Buick.  And consider myself very lucky as I watched her run down the street, panting as she went.  Bullet dodged- and hey, I've got this new car for all my trouble, too!

Three heartwarming little stories, courtesy of American Express

1.  Guy brings his Intended to the Upscale Jewelry Store to purchase the engagement ring, but he's told by the saleswoman that his VISA card is maxed out.  What does his sensible girlfriend-who-thought-that-she-was-about-to-become-a-fiancee respond with?  Is it

A.  "Wow, I had no idea you were so bad at money management.  You aren't ready to be married, let's continue to date, because I love you, but you need to mature a little more and get your act together?"

B.  "Wow, I thought you only used credit cards for emergencies, like sensible people.  You must be really irresponsible.  You aren't ready to be married- and I'm certainly not going to be marrying someone who doesn't know how to balance a checkbook or keep an eye on his spending.  Later."

C.  "Your VISA card is maxed out?  Well, that's a pain, I wanted my ring!!  Look, loser- get yourself an American Express Card.  They NEVER max out, which means you can buy my ring, and keep spending money in a reckless fashion, and you'll never humiliate me like this again by denying me what I want right now."

If you picked C, you were correct.  And my guess is, you've watched a lot of commercials.

2.  Guy and his Significant Other are Dressed to the Nines for a concert.  Dim bulb girl has never heard of TicketMaster, so she assumes that even though he invited her out and let her get all dressed up, he didn't bother to buy the tickets in advance.  American Express hopes we think that the only way to buy tickets to any event without using the box office window is through American Express.  Whatever.

3.  Middle Aged Idiot grins with pointless delight as a waiter babbles pretentious Italian at the Idiot's befuddled date (I don't blame Date for being Befuddled; after all, the job of a waiter is to inform the customer of what is on the menu and to take the order, not to impress the customer with his mastery of Italian.  At least, that's what I thought the job of a waiter was.)  Befuddled date, having given up all hope that Middle Aged Idiot will stop the humiliation and step in and ask the fucking waiter to speak English, grasps at a familiar word- "Tiramisu"- and interrupts with essentially "I'll Have That!"

Does Date really want Tiramisu?  I kind of doubt it.  She just wants this experience- which is delightfully funny to the guy but obviously painful to her- to end.  I just hope that when the stuff comes, she jams it into the guy's idiot face and walks out.

Anyway- great stories, American Express.  Seems to me that "Our cards are perfect for self-absorbed, clueless jackasses" could have presented in a shorter package, but at least a few actors picked up paychecks for appearing in this mess.

Consumer Cellular brings us the further adventures of those newly-connected Seniors

It's actually almost depressing to see these old stogies ramble on and on and ON about their stupid, AARP-approved phones as they enjoy their stupid, AARP-approved retirements, complete with RVs and cookouts and all the other things that the elderly are supposed to partake in until they finally die already.

Personally, if I spend one moment of my Golden Years (I'm not sure why the years we spend shuffling around, asking people to repeat everything, cursing at loud music while complaining that the television volume is never loud ENOUGH, going to bed at 7 and waking up at 4 are called "Golden," but whatever) chirpily discussing the advantages of a certain cell phone service with other overweight, sagging, blotchy seniors, it's one moment too many.  And I'm sure as hell not going RVing with some old woman, I don't care if I AM married to her.

I really hope that a lot of seniors who see these ads wince and angrily wonder why the hell they are always being portrayed as such witless dopes by Consumer Cellular.  It's like this phone company thinks that every Senior in America is a perpetually good-humored, financially secure (yet concerned with costs) overgrown troll finally living their Hard Earned Dreams, which always involve wandering aimlessly around suburban neighborhoods, fishing, barbecuing, and blathering away on phones ABOUT phones.  If my parents resembled anyone in these ads, I would NEVER visit them.

I can tell you right now that I'm never going to resemble any of these idiots, either.  And it's not just because I'm never going to get old (I'm not, though.  If these commercials have convinced me of anything, it's that growing old looks like a colossal bore and a waste of time, and I PASS.)  It's more because if this is what retirement looks like, I think I'd rather just keep working.  I mean, I don't even like RVs, and I sure don't want to spend every day talking to fat old geezers about ANYTHING, especially phones.

My New Years' Resolution, for Hollywood. Free of Charge.

Hey movie industry- don't take offense at this, ok?  This is not coming from a place of anger.  It's coming from the heart.  And you really need to hear this.  Consider it an intervention.

Please, for the love of G-d, make this pledge to yourselves, and to us, for 2013:

No more movies centered on the Pain and Suffering of Turning 40.

No more Seven Year Itch films.  You know the ones I'm talking about: The "I love you, but you aren't as young as you used to be, this isn't as fun as it used to be" themes featuring actors in their mid-30s who look like they could still get work as underwear models.

No more Biological Clock films.  I don't know anyone out there who enjoys watching women mope out discussing their changing biology in graphic terms on large screens.  Hell, I don't know anyone who wants to hear this crap in real life.  And while we are at it- PLEASE, no Women in Stirrups scenes.  I know you've always thought the Crying/Screaming/Sarcastic/Possessed Heavily Pregnant Woman Struggling to Give Birth bit was comedy gold, but (again, as a friend) I really feel like I need to let you know- it's not.  Never has been.  Never will be.

If you must have little children in these films, stop trying to convince us that they are blessings who burp, vomit and scream for no reason at all.  Because when they do that, they aren't blessings.  And no, we aren't interested in seeing children give their parents headaches and then be Loved More Than Ever For No Reason at the end.  Been there, DONE THAT.

And if you insist on giving us another year of this crap, at least do this for me:  Have the whiny, pathetic, treacly-sweet family live in something other than a majestic suburban estate or Manhattan Apartment.  Have them live in a trailer, or a crowded tenement in a crime-ridden neighborhood.  Oh, and have them get hit by a bus in the final scene.

Come on.  Give me SOMETHING for my efforts to help you out.  Oh, and Happy New Year.

Samsung continues to encourage us to Share the Fun Pain this Holiday Season

I'll give the makers of the latest horror from Samsung this much:  At least they didn't go the usual route of sprinkling a few Black/Hispanic/Asian faces among the partiers here.  Nope- this is a white family, enjoying what I guess is supposed to be a cute moment with their white friends and their white kids.  Not especially PC, and certainly not common these days- but I have to give them points for creating an ad that is more realistic than 99 percent of the commercials out there.

But that's about it with the praise.  Because the rest of the ad just adopts and endorses the Friends Is Just Another Word For Assholes theme we generally see in commercials for Cell Phones, Tablets, and all the other "Connectivity" garbage.  I don't know- maybe it's just me, but if I saw a guy trying to entertain my kids fall off the stairs, land on the hardwood floor, and lay there motionless, my first impulse wouldn't be to keep filming.  Because my first thought wouldn't be "OMIGOD LOL THIS IS GOING VIRAL UNDER THE TITLE 'SANTA FAIL!""  My first thought would be "Oh My G-d, are you hurt?"

But that's because I live in some weird alternate universe where people still give a damn, I guess.  Where "walk if off, Santa" wouldn't even occur to me.  And where capturing someone getting hurt on film is still accidental and regrettable, not an LOL EPIC bonus that will really improve my rating on YouTube.

I can remember a show called "America's Funniest Home Videos."  Pretty much every clip I ever (accidentally) saw on that show featured someone getting hurt (often badly) to the sound of people roaring with laughter.  That show had a pretty solid audience, but it was small, so I wasn't all that disturbed by the concept of a program which invited people to film each other suffering and then "share" it with the world.  But in the year 2012, capturing everything on--err, "film"--just seems to come naturally for a lot of people, and when a "friend" gets injured, that's just gravy.  It doesn't even matter if the friend was dressed up like Santa to spread a little joy to your kids.  It's just so great that he hurt himself, you can't wait to let the world know how funny it was.  Sick.

Samsung channels Orwell- "He Who Controls the Present, controls the Future."

Ugh, what a mess.

Here's a ridiculously large "family" (it would be more accurate to describe these idiots as "people who are accidentally related to each other") gathered together to "Share the Holidays" (it would be more accurate to describe this situation as "bear to be with each other instead of their friends and electronic devices for a day.")  If you look carefully enough you'll see that there's the prerequisite balance of males and females, a grandma, and a dog, as well as the usual racial ambiguity which the advertising world thinks it must be careful to include so that it doesn't tick off the obscenely easily annoyed among us.

It's all supposed to be very cute and sweet, I suppose- people who share common genetic code pushed into one side of a room so that the Patriarch can take a photo and prove to future generations that yes, these people existed and could tolerate one another on holidays.  Except- future generations are going to be conned into thinking this, and future grandparents are going to have very fuzzy, warped memories about what happened on this particular holiday.

Because thanks to Samsung (and The Cloud, and PhotoShop, and all of the other reality-bending technology that make our lives worth living these days) that messy thing called Real Life can be scrubbed, erased, and altered into Life As We Would Like It To Be But Aren't Willing To Put Any Effort Into Making Reality.  Kids won't stop fighting?  No problem- we can "swap in some smiles" (that's from an old Cloud commercial.)  Daughter won't stop texting (it's always Daughter who won't stop texting?)  Again, no problem- we'll erase the Real, and replace it with the Fantasy.

Snap.  Here's the photo.  Let's slap it on Facebook, stick it in a frame, use it to create a holiday card with Shutterfly.   In a few years (hell, with our rapidly decaying attention span, more like "in a few hours") it will represent what really happened.  And it was so easy- nobody had to behave like reasonable people who understood that Mom and Dad wanted a decent photo for a few seconds.  Kids didn't have to stop punching each other, and (Thank G-d) Daughter didn't have to stop texting.  Because that would have been tragic.

I wish Mom had finished this commercial by asking Dad "Can you make them disappear now?"  The answer certainly would have been "yes."  Brother-in-Law you really didn't want to invite can be erased from the photo.  Tree can be made more green, tinsel can be made more shiny, clothes can be made brighter.  Everyone can be made to look more happy, more content.  Reality?  That isn't perfect.  Toss it down the memory hole.

It's only Weird if he doesn't buy it

Let's see- I come home from work an hour early, looking forward to surprising my beautiful wife before settling down to watch the Monday Night Football Game.

When I walk into the kitchen, my wife is arranging beers, and there's this strange guy sitting on my couch, drinking a beer of his own.

I ask, "um, who is that?"  My wife responds "He used to live here- and he says he was sitting right there the last time the 49ers won the Superbowl."

If I want to be charitable, I quietly point out that the last time the 49ers won the Superbowl was in 1994.  That's 18 years ago.  Which means that if this guy is telling the truth, he's remembering something that happened when had his own apartment at the age of, what, TEN?

I'm not especially charitable, so instead I respond "Seriously?  You get caught with another guy in the house- and THAT'S the story you come up with?  It's bad enough that you are cheating on me- do you have to humiliate me, and YOURSELF, with the absolute worst alibi EVER?"

Of course, I'm not a TV guy, so it doesn't go that way.  I could never be a TV guy- I shave every morning, I try to dress neatly, I don't think it's funny when my friends get hurt, I don't live to laugh at my friends, and I'm not a beer, sex-and-cell phone-obsessed doofus.*  This woman's hubby IS a TV guy, so he buys the spectacularly unbelievable "this strange man is sitting in our living room because when he was a little boy the 49ers won the Super Bowl" yarn.

I'd say this woman is a real jerk, but I can't because if she's married to a TV guy, she must be a TV girl, which means she's smart and sensible and knows what she's doing at all times.  So I officially don't know what to make of this, except to think that it's probably not a good idea to try this at home, ladies.  Unless you are married to a TV guy- in which case, why not respond to "who's that?" by telling him to STFU and get to work on that damn lawn.

*I can't be.   Beer and cell phones are expensive.

If a fan massacres science at a football game, and nobody responds, does it make a sound?

I was going to go through the "labels out" choad's explanation to his fellow doofus pudding-brained loser moron friends how holding their not-beer bottles in a certain way would somehow contribute to their team's scoring the winning field goal.  I was going to- but after listening to it two or three times, I realized that I was getting nauseous, I'm not getting paid for this, and so-- to hell with it.

So instead, I'll just comment on that look the Unbeliever has when the field goal kicker- who is in the National Football League, is a Pro, and whose only job is to kick Field Goals- actually manages to...kick a Field Goal.  See for yourself- it's a look which says "Wow, it worked."

Now, I could be charitable here and assume that since it's the end of the game (it's implied that this isn't just any field goal kick, it's the deciding field goal kick) this is not the first Bud Lite Dimwitted, Easily-Duped Dunce has consumed over the past three hours.  I'll also assume that he's rather sensitive to alcohol, and is actually capable of getting buzzed by drinking Lite Beer.  But that's as far as my charity is willing to carry me with this guy.

That look makes it very clear that he honestly believes that because four guys in a crowd of 50,000 turned their beers,  it somehow influenced the trajectory of a football being kicked on a field eighty yards distant.  He doesn't smile appreciatively at the weird superstition of his friends.  He looks for all the world like he buys the gibberish he was fed by the Not-Physics Professor sitting two to his right.  That's not funny.  It's not charming.  It's really, really stupid.

Not as stupid, however, as the line "It's Only Weird if it Doesn't Work."  It doesn't work.  It's just the fans believing that somehow they can be something other than mere spectators, when in fact the only way they can have any impact on the game is by being really loud when their team is on Defense.  Even then, five idiots drinking Lite Beer in the cheap seats aren't going to pull it off.  But I can deal with multicolored socks, face painting, prayers, voodoo dolls, or any other Not At All Effective But Hell You Bought Your Ticket So Go For It idiocy.  But spare me the bullshit "science," ok, Bud Lite?  After all, if you guys knew anything about chemistry, maybe you'd be able to come up with a light beer worth drinking, instead of specializing in bad commercials not worth watching.

Use Shutterfly to help decorate my trash can

Here's another opportunity for disgustingly perfect, white suburban families to make sickly-sweet, treacly little reminders that they exist and that Their Lives Are Better Than Yours.  It's called Shutterfly, and as near as I can tell, it was created to stick another salt-encrusted knife into the stomachs of people like me who aren't married to beautiful women, don't live in suburban estates, and don't even have ONE offspring.  Not even ONE.  Man, am I NOT in the need for Shutterfly!

But if you have the standard white skin, pretty little palace, pretty little wife and pretty little kids who are apparently manufactured and shipped out of some factory in Utah but are only available to certain people, here's another way to show how Awesome you have it without buying a new SUV.  Just get your kids to pose for a few seconds, pick out some garish background like Santa's sleigh or a Christmas tree or a Snowman or something else so fucking cute that we just won't be able to stand it.  Your friends will be delighted to know things are still going great for you; they might even hold on to the card longer than they used to hold on those God-Awful annual updates people used to send out every year before they finally figured out that nobody gave a damn (or realized they could save postage by starting a blog nobody in their right mind would ever visit.)

You thought wedding invitations that included photos of the Lovely Couple were bad?  Wait till Shutterfly becomes all the rage among your Happily Married And Don't You Ever Forget It friends!  Man, I hate this time of year.

KFC's pitch: Silence is Golden. And Fat.

Here's a terrific holiday message from Kentucky FRIED Chicken:  When you find yourself between two obnoxious little monsters who simply will not stop playing their horrid "I'm not touching you" game, buy yourself some peace and quiet by simply poisoning them.

You might ask- why doesn't this slob just get up and walk away from these two spawns of Satan?  Well, just look at the guy- he doesn't look like Getting Up and Walking Away are activities that hold a whole lot of appeal to him.  However, he's probably on a first name basis with the girl behind the register at KFC.  Too bad, because this sure looks like a situation where a good, strong pair of legs would be a real life saver.

You might also ask- are these actual children, or well-trained dogs?  I mean, there is a bucket of chicken and a plate of cookies just sitting there.  But the kids are completely oblivious to their presence until their "Uncle" hands each of them a cookie.  First- I've never seen a kid shut up completely just because they have a cookie. These kids act as if they've never experienced one before, and are engrossed in the experience.  Second- that bucket is full of chicken.  So-- the kids didn't eat any chicken, but are skipping right to the desert?  Normally, I'd consider that to be rather poor modeling behavior for someone who is clearly supposed to be watching his nephews.  But then I remember this is KFC, and think that it's probably just as well the kids don't want to eat any of that stuff in the bucket.

And while I generally consider handing kids "food" like the grease-infused dead bird parts they serve up at KFC to be obvious child abuse, I can't say as I blame this guy for shutting these future heart valve donor seekers up by shoveling out the garbage.   I mean, just listen to them.  If this guy's waistline and asthma issues won't allow him to escape, he's got to do SOMETHING.

Oh yeah, leasing this Acura is MUCH more "Responsible." Sure it is.

I suppose this is supposed to be Acura's answer to the Lexus December to Remember Red Ribbons around the Ostentatious Overpriced Look at Me Machines commercials we are buried with every November and December.  The problem is- these ads are hardly less obnoxious.

We all know the drill- Upper Class Couple is considering a big purchase.  Suzie Orman, or Santa, or Bette Midler, or whoever pulls up to give a rude, uncalled-for and totally unwelcome lecture on how to be "responsible" with money.  Somehow, being "responsible" means heading off to your nearest Acura dealer to drop $3000 and sign up for payments of $429 per month for three years to rent a car you don't need.

(I know we don't see it in this clip, but these ads are ALWAYS being used to push lease "deals."  So bear with me...)

(BTW, what is the "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer supposed to refer to?  Do not attempt to kidnap people and preach at them about fiscal responsibility?  Do not attempt to take advice from celebrities while riding at high speeds in overpriced SUVs? What?)

"Santa" is a total corporate whore who will sell anything, I get it.  He got his start peddling Coca-Cola, for Christ's sake.  Bette Midler?  Who gives a damn?

But Suzie Orman is supposed to give good financial advice.  That's her f---ng JOB.  So when she pitches a shiny, overpriced Acura as a "Responsible" choice,  well, sorry- but this is like seeing your Nutritionalist scarfing Double-Down sandwiches at KFC or your AA sponsor stumbling out of a sports bar and vomiting into a trash can.  The other example I embedded here features "Dr" Phil.  That's not quite as bad- anyone who thinks that the crap this guy shovels out is of any value will get what he deserves, and like it.

But Suzie Orman-- really?  You need to have a talk with Dave Ramsey, lady.  Not about picking up a quick paycheck putting your name on a bad product- you already know how to do that.  But about posing as a Financial Health Guru and then peddling this overpriced, shiny import. For shame.  If you have any left.

Kmart is just asking us to be brave....

..that is, at least as brave as a fat, unshaven slob who thinks he's doing something worthwhile by sitting in his mommy's basement playing Black Ops.

You actually need a somewhat higher level of bravery to deal with the knowledge that Christmas is still weeks away.  And that there are a LOT of these commercials.  And that they all have to get lots and lots of airtime between now and December 25.

Maybe you can't get to the mute button every time.  But here's something you CAN do to make this a little more bearable:  don't go to YouTube and read the "What is this Song I want this Song where can I find this Song what is this Song" prattle from the knuckle-dragging mouth breathers who live to find the artist behind every 2-second bit of music that has ever appeared on television, ever.  I've often asked them what horrible thing has happened in their lives to make them such pathetic, bottom-feeding, SAD losers, but they always respond with a kind of garbled, sort-of-intelligible gibberish that I think is supposed to be a negative reaction to my query. Then, I imagine, they go back to hunting down commercials with music and asking about the artists and availability again.  Maybe they take a break from time to time to play Black Ops.  Or attempt to respond to me with their own very special brand of "English."  Whatever makes them happy and won't cause accidental cuts, I guess.

Maybe I'm being overly harsh here. I mean, it IS just Radio Shack after all....

All we need to put a big, bright Happy Ending to this nasty, obnoxious little mess of an ad is for a Killer Good Samaritan to give this idiot a Killer push into the next Killer oncoming train.   Since that's a little too nasty even for Your Place For Cheap Batteries, I'd settle for Idiot Girl to fumble her Killer Phone onto the tracks so we can see it getting smushed by said Killer oncoming train.

There are about a dozen of these god-awful "my new phone" ads from Radio Shack, that hole in the wall at the mall which used to be the place to go for junk remote control cars for Christmas that would be out of service and in the landfills long before summer came around.  And AM/FM signal "boosters" which boost absolutely nothing.  And "salespeople" who didn't have the slightest idea what they are doing.  Oh, and those cheap batteries.

Now, Radio Shack is apparently the place to go for phones if you are one of the 3000 or so people in the United States who don't live within two miles of a Verizon or Sprint store.

And apparently the only thing they teach you about your new phone at Radio Shack is how to hit the "Video" button and wave it in front of your stupid, fat face while you blather witlessly about your new purchase.  At least if you finished your little missive by slamming into a train or a car or a tree, you'd provide a little entertainment to the two friends you have left who can still bear to be near you.  Hell, you might even "go Viral" (ugh.)  But it looks to me like the people recording themselves singing praises of their phones are doing it only for their personal amusement (it's really hard to imagine that anyone would watch this unless they were doing it for their stupid blog, entitled "Look at this Self-Absorbed Twat.") Which is actually more sad than funny.

Still...would it be too much to ask that this woman fall into a stump grinder at around the 16-second mark?

It's December, which means it's time for Lexus to bring the Hate

If you don't absolutely loathe the people in this commercial, and everything about them, by the time the screen fades to black then all I can say is that you are a far, far better person than I am.

I mean, come on.  Disgustingly happy white family living in immaculately-decorated Suburban mansion head out to dinner at Upscale Trendy Restaurant in their tricked-out red Lexus SUV.  What more do you want?

How about that Mommy seems to see this weird recipe for Dead Bird on some restaurant's webpage, "Likes" it, and five minutes later is off to the restaurant to consume it?  What is that all about, anyway?  It says "Recipe"- but she doesn't attempt to cook it, she wraps up her Perfect Family and goes out to have it cooked and served to her.  I believe this is being sold to us as "better" than "Liking" it because...she gets to spend more time with her family?

How about that Mommy looks like a model for Clairol?  Or that Daddy has that prerequisite three-day's-growth Eurotrash beard going, not to mention the $100 haircut and the Just-Right wardrobe?  How about the perpetually delighted kids who finish up the package?  Or maybe it's all of the fucking "We are So Damned Happy All The Time You Would Be Too If You Were Us" grinning?

And how about that Upscale Trendy Restaurant, where emotionless wage slave Server (this place doesn't have waitresses, believe me) brings Mommy's three and a half mouthfuls of what looks like Garnished Nightingale in light wine sauce (I don't know what that's supposed to be.  I can only guess that it's the specialty of the Upscale Trendy Restaurant, it's something that the Help in the Back quietly snigger about whenever pompous rich dicks choose it, and that it costs around $50 a plate.  And that the people who order it have no idea how much it costs, and couldn't care less?)

So, again- if you don't really really hope that something horrible happens to these people on the way back to BetterThanYou Estates, you are a far better person that I am.  Not that that's saying much.  But still-what is the matter with you?

Later, the guy at the Honda dealership lets this kid take a Civic out for a test drive

As near as I can figure, Mommy has brought Junior with her to Best Buy to do some Christmas shopping in this ad.  There are an awful lot of commercials out there showing parents with their kids Christmas shopping. I've never understood this.  My parents never brought me shopping with them when they went to get presents.  Ok, so maybe Mommy can't afford a sitter (but she's checking out Apple products- Priorities, Priorities!)  Maybe she's not buying for Junior.  I don't know.

But never mind that, because now the ad goes cutesy, and then a little creepy.  Mom suddenly vanishes, leaving Junior free to play with all the Very Expensive Toys available at Best Buy.  The kid uses an I Phone to locate and attempt to call Santa (I think it's kind of sad that a kid this age knows how to manipulate the technology like this.  I would have no idea how to ask an I Phone a question like this myself.)  When that doesn't work, he looks for Santa online.  Another fail.

Then Best Buy Employee- who doesn't seem to mind that Mom has apparently decided that the store will make a perfectly good baby sitter while she runs off to do her REAL Christmas shopping (the employee TOLD HER that the Apple products were awesome- why is Junior the only one checking them out?  Is the final decision to purchase up to this kid?)  He makes a "helpful" suggestion to the kid to look for Santa on "Facetime" or something (no, I don't want to know what this is, thanks anyway.)  Frankly, if I worked at Best Buy and saw a kid this age fucking around with an a piece of expensive, fragile equipment, I'd give him a suggestion that didn't sound like "keep using that."

Except...maybe Best Buy Employee wants Junior to break the piece of expensive, fragile equipment so that if and when Mommy ever comes back, she might be forced to pay for it.  Not a great idea, Best Buy Employee, because Mommy could turn around and accuse you of steering your kid to inappropriate internet sites (I can imagine that "Talk to Santa" can lead to a hundred nasty places) and even if she ends up paying for the damaged device, the store manager isn't going to appreciate your methods all that much.  Hey, maybe Best Buy Employee is trying to get himself fired?  Or maybe he knows what his regular paycheck looks like and is just thinking "I don't give a flying damn if the kid breaks something I know I will never be able to afford as long as I work here, so to hell with it."

Wal Mart's salute to itself--err, I mean, Our Troops, of course

As near as I can tell, Wal Mart uses this manipulative pile of glurge to thank the US military for making the world safe for rampant Consumerism, exploitation, life-sucking Capitalism and the obsessive pursuit of the almighty dollar.  Thanks, Troops!

Meanwhile, I bet Billy's dad would have preferred an end to pointless, stupid, wasteful, bloody, morally indefensible wars which leave grieving widows and parents on both sides of the planet- or at least a few weeks of holiday leave- to a fucking blizzard.  Great wishing there, Billy.

This warmed-over serving of dreck reminds me of all those Hallmark Holiday movies which feature "angels" being sent down from "heaven" to teach nonconformist (non-materialist) losers The True Meaning of Christmas Before It Is Too Late ( I love Charles Dickens, but man...what he wrought with that one little story....) So children are suffering on every continent- starving to death, abused, maimed by machines, blown apart by drones and mines and rockets and IEDs- but G-d In His Wisdom feels compelled to send one of his celestial helpmates back to Earth because someone once took a "wrong" turn and Ended Up Not Really Happy.  You have to wonder about His priorities sometimes.

Hey, Billy?  If it turns out you've got G-d's Ear, might I suggest that you get a fucking clue, get out of your bullshit cartoon world, and make better use of your direct line to Paradise?  And if this is all about Santa's power, and not G-d's-- umm, Santa?  Strongly implied in Billy's pathetic "I just know my daddy won't mind spending Christmas dodging bullets in the desert if he can have a little snow" is the fact that daddy is in DANGER and just MAYBE what Billy would REALLY like is to have his Daddy home, where there is real snow- and where he doesn't have to wear a helmet and flack jacket.   Just a thought.

Meanwhile- Wal Mart?  I didn't think it was possible for me to hate your loathsome company any more than I already did.  Congratulations.  You topped yourself with this self-congratulatory, steaming lump of nothing.

Honda Family Values

Apparently, Laura got a new Civic as a reward for not killing her little sister at any time over the past year.  Normally I would think that a brand new car- ANY model- is a bit over the top as a Christmas gift for a girl who appears to be a teenager.  But after just a few seconds of listening to her obnoxious little snit of a sister, I think it's about right.

Not a particularly good sign that Laura is using her car to drive her presumably teen-aged friends around (aren't there laws in most states limiting the number of under-aged passengers who can be in the car with a minor driver?)  Not a good sign that Laura seems more interested in mastering the art of driving while texting and f--ing around with her sound system than in putting safety first ( a very BAD sign that Big Sister is willing to let Little Sister connect her I Pod to that sound system- is she worried about being wished into the corn field, or what?  And if that's the case, why doesn't Little Sister get to ride shotgun after calling it out?

And certainly not a good sign that Mom and Dad have no problem letting their teen-aged daughter drive all these kids around everywhere, including their younger one.

Come to think of it, where ARE mom and dad?  Was the Honda actually payment for 24-hour child care, provided by Older Daughter to Younger Daughter?  If so...Younger Daughter?  Maybe you shouldn't be bitching about your big sister not being quite nice enough.  If she's being paid to basically be your mom, you should save your angst and anger toward the person who birthed you and then turned you over to a sibling to raise.  You look pretty healthy.  Your sister isn't yelling at you to get the hell out of her face (or her car) and give her some damned private time with her friends.  Looks like a little gratitude is in order.

Where ARE Mom and Dad?

The slow progression from annoying to unbearable, courtesy of Verizon

"This is perfect" pathetic, lonely cat lady says.  You can tell she's pathetic and lonely because

1.  She's sitting all by herself on a couch
2.  She's sitting with a cat,
3.  She's got an empty carton of ice cream on the couch with her (hey, let's leave no Pathetic Lonely Friendless Woman cliche' left unmilked here, Verizon,)
4.  Watching tv on a phone is her definition of "perfect," and
5.  She's wearing glasses.  Yes, that really does mean she's pathetic to the people who wrote this commercial. Not to me- she does plenty later on to reveal herself as truly pathetic.  She didn't need the glasses or the cat.

So pretty soon, because she's got this Verizone NFL Mobile thingee, she's out and about and annoying the hell out of everyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of her (and she gets louder and louder, so that distance increases throughout the ad.)  She becomes one of those disgusting, anal Know It Alls because she's become permanently attached to her stupid phone, and permanently attached to the NFL through it.

She's bleating stats and "AWW YAYAHH," which in my opinion should bring the death penalty to anyone who utters in in public.  She's holding up lines and forcing everyone around here to "enjoy" the NFL because God Fucking Forbid Anyone In These Commercials Ever Uses Headphones (of course, the non-use of headphones is always demonstrated as a plus in these ads- see, because she's willing to "share," she's made all these awesome friends.)

In the end, she insists on performing some juvenile little ritual that results in someone getting barbecue mashed in his face.  Seems like this is happening during a party of some kind, but that's not surprising- I can't count how many times I've seen people in commercials attending parties, weddings, family picnics, etc. yet are frozen to their God Damned Phones.  It's also not surprising that the guy who gets food all over him courtesy of Miss Verizon Jackass is completely nonplussed about the whole thing.  After all, Idiot Girl was watching her phone.  What did he expect?

Anyway, this ad kind of reminds me of the "Get DirectTV or horrible things will happen to you" ads in reverse- because this woman realized she had this awesome service from Verizon, she got herself out of the house, ditched the glasses, went to a hair stylist, changed her wardrobe and became popular with Fellow Brain-Dead Losers Who Can't Get Enough of the NFL.   Get the message?  Don't be a pathetic cat lady sitting quietly on the couch reading a book or watching non-NFL stuff on tv.   Get the NFL from Verizon.  Be a pathetic cat lady who annoys the freaking hell out of the planet.  Much better.