Consumer Cellular brings us the further adventures of those newly-connected Seniors

It's actually almost depressing to see these old stogies ramble on and on and ON about their stupid, AARP-approved phones as they enjoy their stupid, AARP-approved retirements, complete with RVs and cookouts and all the other things that the elderly are supposed to partake in until they finally die already.

Personally, if I spend one moment of my Golden Years (I'm not sure why the years we spend shuffling around, asking people to repeat everything, cursing at loud music while complaining that the television volume is never loud ENOUGH, going to bed at 7 and waking up at 4 are called "Golden," but whatever) chirpily discussing the advantages of a certain cell phone service with other overweight, sagging, blotchy seniors, it's one moment too many.  And I'm sure as hell not going RVing with some old woman, I don't care if I AM married to her.

I really hope that a lot of seniors who see these ads wince and angrily wonder why the hell they are always being portrayed as such witless dopes by Consumer Cellular.  It's like this phone company thinks that every Senior in America is a perpetually good-humored, financially secure (yet concerned with costs) overgrown troll finally living their Hard Earned Dreams, which always involve wandering aimlessly around suburban neighborhoods, fishing, barbecuing, and blathering away on phones ABOUT phones.  If my parents resembled anyone in these ads, I would NEVER visit them.

I can tell you right now that I'm never going to resemble any of these idiots, either.  And it's not just because I'm never going to get old (I'm not, though.  If these commercials have convinced me of anything, it's that growing old looks like a colossal bore and a waste of time, and I PASS.)  It's more because if this is what retirement looks like, I think I'd rather just keep working.  I mean, I don't even like RVs, and I sure don't want to spend every day talking to fat old geezers about ANYTHING, especially phones.