She has to do a few things first, too- like change her Facebook status back to "Single"

1.  Remember all those times you were in a romantic restaurant, or sitting at home on the couch, or laying in bed, with this guy?  That was the time to start discussing the idea of starting a family.  Not in the middle of the fucking street, surrounded by people like me who aren't interested in your spontaneous "I want to pop out a mammal!" decision.

2.  You want to have a baby- with THIS guy?  Look at him.  I'm telling you to do this because you clearly haven't lately.  You want to mix your DNA with THIS guy?  Really?

3.  Listen to what this guy says in response.  He wants to go spelunking with his friends.  He "still hasn't built that killer robot."  I'll say it again- you want to have a baby- with THIS guy?  You want this guy helping you raise a little person- a guy who isn't sure he wants to start a family because after all, he hasn't crawled around underground with his drinking buddies or hibernated for six months in a basement to build a robot (and he's clearly over twelve?)  REALLY?

All is forgiven if this guy's Visions of a Pathetic, Developmentally Challenged Future interrupted the girl's sentence which, if allowed to continue, would have gone something like this:  "I want to have a baby- which means I need to find a stable, mature adult to be with.  Tootles!"

(Heads Up:  I'll be on vacation until next Saturday night at a place with no internet access again....see you when I get back!)

Lets go back to playing the quiet game now

Does it bother anyone else that all of these "I Like And Better" commercials require the same implausible elements to come together to make even the slightest amount of sense?

1.  The driver of the car has to wait until the passenger inexplicably praises the car he or she is travelling in.  I have never, ever done this, but I'm pretty sure that if I found myself saying "hey, this car is really nice" it would be a very strong signal to the driver that A)  I was sitting here feeling really awkward, and felt I should say SOMETHING, and B) I am the worst conversationalist in the history of the known universe.

2.  The driver then gets to respond by pointing out two positive attributes of the automobile which have absolutely nothing to do with each other.  "Yeah, it has anti-lock brakes AND great gas mileage."  "Yep, electronically adjustable mirrors AND Sirius satellite radio."  "You got it- heated seats AND a foot-controlled hatch."*

3.  Idiot passenger, realizing that he's unwittingly stumbled into a lame "lets talk about my awesome car" conversation which promises to be even worse than the heavy silence that forced him to vomit up his stupid "hey, this car is really nice" comment, ramps up the dumb by observing that "and" is better than "or."  I'll give the idiot passenger credit for quite reasonably believing that THIS should so totally flummox the driver that he finally agrees to turn on the fucking radio and end this torture.

But noooooooo.......

4.  Cotton Candy For Brains Driver, believing that no conversation is so utterly vapid that it should be allowed to die a natural death, actually challenges his Dying Inside, Wondering How Much It Would Hurt If He Just Jumped travel companion to imagine fun other situations in which "And" is better than "Or."  Fun, that is-- if they were, say, six years old and the DVD player in the SUV was on the fritz.  "That would be like black OR white photography."  "That would be like sweet OR sour chicken."  "That would be like 30-day paid vacations OR stock options."

5.  Shared mental image.  Who is the originator of the image?  Who cares?  Both people in the commercial manage to create the same unimaginative, ludicrous scene in their heads at the same time.

6.  Well, that conversation is over, Thank God.  Now what will we talk about?  Let's play the quiet game, shall we?  Nah, let's just continue to make the Geico "Happier than..." series look like high art.

*99.9 percent of the time, foot-controlled hatch used by drivers overburdened with pizzas or KFC buckets.

The Future of Brain-Dead, Fat, Pasty, Socially Retarded America. I Get It.

This summer, commercials trumpeting "the future of Awesome" are becoming even more aggressive, with the narrator taking a hammer labeled "When You Get It, You GET IT!" to our brains every other ad break.  What we are supposed to "Get," of course, is that while the sun is streaming through the windows and there are flowers to pick, balls to throw, bikes to ride and lakes to swim, what's REALLY AWESOME is when everyone in the family has their own screen to gaze at while drool drips down their chins (yes, that's a plural) and there is absolutely no lag time between downloads which might encourage someone to, I don't know, GET UP AND WALK AROUND EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

Or, hell, even TALK to those other life forms which seem to inhabit that house with you.  Because conversations might move beyond "check out this movie" to dangerous stuff like "what the hell are we doing indoors on such a lovely day" or "I'm blowing my summer vacation watching tv?  Really?"  Can't have that.

So let's all listen to the very insistent narrator, sign up for Fios, equip everyone in the house with personalized idiot boxes, and settle down for "Endless Fun" until our eyes melt out of our heads and our bodies atrophy into warm, useless mush.  Because that's the Future of Awesome, after all, and the future can't come fast enough for us, right?

But, geesh..at least, pull the damn shades.  The glare off my screen is really annoying, besides the fact that it gives me this unpleasant feeling that there might be something more to life than becoming part of the couch while my waistband expands.

Issues that a Credit Card isn't going to help you with....

Seriously, Erica- if stepping in gum, getting a parking ticket, and forgetting to make a payment to your credit card sets you off like this, I can only encourage you to hold on to that trendy boxing center membership.  Especially since you don't seem to be all that interested in oh, I don't know, Anger Management Therapy....

Maybe you can buy some sessions with your Rewards Points?

More weirdness from the Next Big Thing

This one features a scene I have never actually witnessed in real life or in any other cell phone commercial- a techno-addicted dweeb actually using earbuds while watching something on his Best Friend In the Whole World.

This one also includes a funny line which I'm sure was not supposed to be a funny line- "it pauses whenever I turn away from the screen."  Hey, buddy- I've seen enough of you idiots to know that this is a feature which is totally unnecessary and will never be used by anyone with a cell phone.  You socially retarded zombies wouldn't look away if the people seated around you suddenly all burst into flame.  Maybe if you heard someone say "Starbucks is closing in five minutes," but I don't think even that would shake you from your obsession.

It also features an unfunny line which I believe is supposed to be a funny line- a guy who is supposed to be the Loser of this group (he's pale, fat and clean-shaven, so you KNOW he's the Doesn't Belong Guy) asks Alpha Male Because He's Got This Cool For the Moment Phone to call him- and AM, who we all KNOW has 1800 Facebook Friends of whom 1780 are total strangers, is very reluctant to do it.  Because Samsung's newest gadget lets you pause video by turning your head, but I guess it doesn't let you delete contacts or block incoming calls....whatever...

Leaving all of us just hoping that these dicks are all about to board the same doomed plane.

Another Audi "we are just asking you to hate these people" ad

All is forgiven if this guy, his tablet, and his "obsession" end up impaled together by the steering wheel of his fucking 1% DoucheMobile.  (The steering wheel he personally selected, of course.)

Seriously, Audi- as if 99.9 percent of the country could give a flying damn about a guy spending hours scrolling his finger across a screen to "manufacture" the exact Audi which would be perfect for him right down to the fricking color and tire style.  Especially those of us who can't afford one-tenth the frigging house this guy is living in - oh, or that god damned tablet, either.

So please, shove this obnoxious little nugget of hate back into that dark orifice you pulled it from in the first place, ok?

Oh, and just die. Now.  Please.

Nothing but nonstop hilarity over at Legal Seafoods

In the "grampa" commercial I snarked on a few weeks back, the "funny" tagline was that grampa dies and falls in the water, leaving little grandson hi-LARIOUSLY muttering "uh oh."

Because what could be funnier than grampa dying on a fishing trip with grandson?  Nothing, right?

Well, just hold on there.  Check this one out- a couple is out fishing together.  The female can't stop complaining.  So the male MURDERS HER AND TOSSES HER OVERBOARD.

LOL ROTFLMAO!!  I mean, someone call Nancy Grace, this one's got everything!

And to think that I came across this video trying to find the Legal Seafoods Commercial featuring a guy intentionally giving himself a concussion with a ceiling fan, and a woman crawling into a dryer and taking a spin (no, I'm not kidding.)  Neither scene even comes with a fricking "Scenes Simulated, Do Not Attempt" disclaimer.

This is better.  Which is to say much, much worse.

Summer Break for the Commercial Curmudgeon!

First- please don't feel obligated to watch this hammy idiot point at stuff that happens to be in the United Kingdom.  I didn't.  The title of this video just suggested that it met my needs so I embedded it, because....

For the next ten days or so, I'm going to be touring England, Scotland and Wales.  I've wanted to visit the UK my entire life, and having put it off for various reasons I've finally run out of excuses not to go.  I won't have any internet access while I'm there, so my blog will be on hiatus until I return, early on July 23.

Shortly after I get back from across the pond (see, I'm already at least 10 percent more pretentious, and I haven't even left yet) I'll be taking another week off for the annual family trip to the beach, and the site will be out of commission then, too, but in between I'll be sure to drop in a few posts.  I like to pretend that this site is important and that some people will actually miss it (hey, don't deprive me of my delusions of significance!)

Anyway, I'll be back on the 23rd, so until then please enjoy the archives- or better yet, get offline and go outside and do something more worthwhile.    See you in the too-near future!

Geico Presents "Ted is Better Off" Theater

Let's see if we've got this right:

Ted doesn't have Geico, so instead of using his tripped-out phone to schedule an appointment with a claims adjuster after a hailstorm, he's on hold with his insurance company.  Meanwhile, Ted's girlfriend is giving him some "you are no longer a Male to me" look because-- his insurance company has him on hold.  I guess.

What am I missing here?  If Ted were a Real Man, he'd use his Amazing Alpha Male Powers to force his insurance company to bump him to the front of the wait list?

Meanwhile, a CGI pig whose car also suffered hail damage has no problem getting through to his insurance company because Geico has an App which allows it to report the problem without actually speaking to a human being.  That's right- Geico offers an App which allows pigs to file insurance claims, so they can get back to their lives which, by the way, are a lot more fun than mine.

Ted's girlfriend is so put out by the fact that Ted is distracted for more than a few minutes by his need to contact his insurance provider that she dumps him-- for the CGI pig.

Let's review.  Ted's car suffered damage.  Ted called his insurance company.  While he was on hold, his girlfriend dumped him for a digital pig.

This is supposed to be an argument for switching to Geico.  I think it's an argument for not dating impatient, "the universe revolves around me and if you inconvenience me I'm dumping you for a pig" girls.  I know it's not the message you wanted to send, Geico, but I appreciate it anyway.

Chevy Independence Day Commercial features two fantasies

1.  The Customers Who Just Want to Sign on the Dotted Line and Empty Their Wallets Fantasy.  Since this entire ad turns out to be the dream of a car salesman, it may be retitled "Getting My Commission Without Lifting a Finger."  The car salesman imagines that all he has to do is place himself strategically on the sales floor, and he'll be mobbed by drooling customers who will keep him busy all day selling cars as if they were McGreaseburgers on the Dollar Menu.   Maybe he imagines this because he sees it in pretty much every car commercial ever made by anybody.  Never in real life, mind you- but hey, this IS a dream after all.

2.  The You Can Have a Successful, Middle-Class Lifestyle As A Car Salesman Fantasy.  This guy wakes up to two little kids and an adoring, beautiful wife in what looks to be a rather substantial suburban house (ok, look, I have no idea how nice this house is.  It's summer, and I'm kind of doing these in a hurry, ok? Sue Me!)   In real life, car salesman don't make crap and unless they OWN the dealership or are related to the guy who does, they tend to move on to actual paying jobs as quickly as possible.  (Ok, I don't know this for sure either- I only know that if I was facing life as a car salesman, it would be a short life, and that's the way I would want it.)

Legal Sea Foods "It's funny because grampa is dead" is at least an original idea

I'm pretty sure I've never seen anyone actually die in a commercial before.  But as near as I can tell, this kid's grandfather actually passes away while fishing from his favorite pier.  (You might reply "no, John, you cold jerk- he just fell asleep."  But if that's the case, why do we get the line "nothing makes me feel MORE ALIVE than fishing?"  Sorry.  Not buying it.  Grampa's dead.)

And then his body falls into the ocean.

The last thing we hear is an "uh oh" from his grandson, which I am pretty sure is supposed to be the "punchline."  Because what could possibly be more funny and entertaining than a grandfather dying while teaching his grandson how to fish?

Thanks, Legal Seafood!

The Deluxe Version will get you down to a Size Five, no problem

Favorite image:  Guy getting totally turned off at his girlfriend's scaly, dry lizard feet.

Image I'll never get out of my head: Showing the Proper Disposal of dead skin cells in an ashcan.  Yuck.

Totally Predictable Image:  The Special Free Offer of Not Socks, Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling.

Totally Predictable Reaction:  I post a blog commenting about how stupid and weird and disgusting this all is, all the time secretly wishing that I had recognized the need for a low-impact sand blaster for the foot.  Dammit, I could be so rich now.

The future of relationships, presented by Blackberry

Wow, the warmth just oozes out of the screen, doesn't it?

David TEXTS "Happy Anniversary" to Klara (I know. Gag.)  Then he scrolls around for a few seconds, finds some nice beach hideaway the Rifraff Cannot Afford and selects it as a good place to spend a second honeymoon with Klara (grrrrr....)

Then he texts "let's Honeymoon again!"

Am I the only one who gets the feeling that these two sad, cold idiots haven't really talked for years?  I mean, a while back I snarked mercilessly on a commercial in which a woman announced to her husband that she was pregnant via cell phone video.  (You remember that one- where the giggly woman-child coyly told hubby that she had an update on "that thing we we've been working on," blush drop eyes tee hee.)  That was positively old-fashioned compared to this horror.

Seems to me that if you've got a phone that allows texting, it also allows for calling and talking.  Even dialing up your significant other's cell phone and SAYING "Happy Anniversary!" is better than texting it.  In fact, the only thing I can think of worse than texting it would be forgetting it altogether.

Here's something else that occurs to me- if it's David and-- umm, "Klara's" anniversary, doesn't that kind of imply that they, um, live together?  So why didn't David say "Happy Anniversary" that morning, or wait 'till he saw her again that night?  Why is David acting like he never actually sees his wife unless he's made a reservation at a fancy resort or restaurant- in other words, unless he's made an appointment to be with her?  Why is David acting as if he really doesn't like talking to his wife all that much, or that he did something terribly wrong a while back and has been sleeping on a cot in the garage for the past month and a half?

I mean, what the hell?

More kids in desperate need of parents and not just adults who buy them crap

Seriously, all of the techno-addled creeps in this commercial just need to STFU, put the glowing boxes down...

...and get their sad butts out the fricking door and DO something, PLEASE.

Seriously, could someone tell me what it is about the life made possible by the technology being sold in this commercial that is at all appealing, to anybody?

Hey, dickwads- here's a great story for you.  When I was a kid, we didn't have personal computers or cell phones.  Our entire house had one television set.  On good days, we got three channels.  We couldn't record anything- you watched what was on, when it was on, and it was over, the tv got turned off.  We had one telephone for five kids and two parents.  Which meant that when a kid was on the phone, that conversation was short and to the point.  Know what we did have?  Lots and lots of books.  Not that we spent a lot of time reading when the sun was shining- then we were outside, on our bicycles, or on foot.  We talked to each other face to face, because 99 percent of the time, the only other option was not talking at all.  Maybe we were swimming, or playing tag, or doing a thousand other things kids can find to do OUTSIDE.

And you know what?  Not only was that OK, it was in my humble opinion FAR SUPERIOR to anything I see in this ad.  I rode bikes and hiked and fished and seemed to be forever moving around.  You celebrate the ease at which you can spend your childhood gazing at a fricking screen.  And you think I lived in tough times?  You pity ME?

Sorry to disturb your little nirvana, kids.  Go back to being little techno-zombies, convincing yourselves that being able to Instantly Watch Everything At A Whim is a "good" thing, and that people like me lived in some kind of Dark Age hell because we had to find ways to fill our time that did not involve texting, downloading, streaming or "Sharing."  Just keep telling yourselves that.  I'm sure the commercials will keep supporting the theory.  Me, I don't buy it.

"Ok, from now on, I'm spending my holidays on campus...."

Hey, trust me, guys- as disappointed as you were at being interrupted while about to have drug-induced sexual intercourse, we the viewers are eternally grateful that your fat daughter got home from GENERIC STATE UNIVERSITY with her dirty laundry just before you old codgers started to strip.

BTW, anyone else think it's weird that viewing commercials for Cialis or Viagra has exactly the opposite effect on arousal levels that TAKING Cialis or Viagra is supposed to?  Or is it just me, my having too much time on my hands, and my absolute insistence on taking all of this waaaaayyyy too seriously?

MasterCard: Preferred by people who are much, much more worthy than thou

I can tell you from experience that there is NOTHING in G-d's Good Earth more humiliating and horrible than finishing up a delicious meal at one's favorite Parisian Bistro or Hong Kong hideaway and suddenly remember that it does not take American Express.

Fortunately, whenever I and my fellow Foodies jet over to Japan for a weekend of Sushi Bar Hopping, we carry our MasterCards.  Because being Rich and Pretty isn't just about money and good looks; it also includes knowing that not all currency is created equal on the side of the planet 99.9 percent of Americans will never see.

Sometimes, I envy those 99.9 percent of Americans.  They never have to deal with jet lag, or obnoxious security agents at airports, or officials who take forever to find a clean page on your passport to stamp.  And the restaurants they use- Burger King, McDonalds, etc.- take American Express.  Heck, they even take (giggle) CASH LOL!  I haven't even SEEN that stuff for years- is it still green?

All else being considered, however, I think I'll stick to being a Committed Foodie.  After all, Someone has to travel everywhere and taste everything, even if it DOES mean taking off your shoes or sitting on a rug instead of a chair and adjusting to every other kind of adorable local ritual and tradition.  As long as they take MasterCard, I'll be there.  And if one of you people ever get out of North America, I hope you learn from my experience just a little bit.  Just remember- a lot of restaurants outside this Hemisphere don't take American Express, so work really hard and try to qualify for a GOOD credit card before you go, ok?

Sincerely,

Your Betters in the .01%

Apple's Big Wet Sloppy Valentine to Itself, Delivered eight months early

No real surprise that comments are disabled on YouTube for this suffocating, slow-moving tidal wave of pretentious bullshit from our friends at Apple.

After all, I'm sure the people at Apple of California realize that thirty seconds of pleasuring themselves by quietly, matter-of-factly explaining to us Lessers why their technology is basically the reason why the Earth continues to spin and we continue to find reasons to get up in the morning was going to earn them more than a little snarky feedback from viewers who don't think that staring at a glowing box is the Greatest Thing Anyone Can Ever Expect From Life.  Kind of funny that a company which constantly claims to be at the vanguard of Free Speech ("free speech" meaning "share everything about yourself, constantly") would disallow comments about it's ads, but who expects consistency these days?

(Let alone using one to determine whether something else "Deserves to Exist."  What the HELL does that even MEAN?)

A few people might even take exception to the suggestion that the characters shown in utter rapture over their Apple devices owe every bit of happiness to the company that Makes It All Possible, which Did We Mention Is HQ'd In California?  They might point out that far less than one percent of the population of the planet owns one of Apple's overpriced "connectivity" toys, and yet at least a fair portion of those Deprived Without Even Knowing It Luddites manage to get dressed, get outside, and do something worthwhile Every. Single. Day.

But guess what, Apple?  You forgot to disable embedding for this video.  So until you go back in and mark it as Private, I get to call you on your self-congratulatory asshattery, and kindly suggest that you make a hard copy of your commercial on a DVD, break it in half, and shove both shards up your rectum.  Or just get the hell over yourselves already.  Because one scene after another of people gazing lovingly at screens don't convince all of us that Apple Is Absolutely Necessary For Happiness, but ads like this do convince people like me that Apple hires only the most disgustingly pompous preeners on the planet to make it's commercials (not it's products, though- that's a job only starving Chinese preteen girls can do, apparently.)

Upload this, you pretentious twat

Just when you thought that I Phone just couldn't get any more obnoxiously, over-the-top full of itself, we get this thirty seconds of loathsome crud.

I mean, even the YouTube crowd, which generally adores EVERYTHING, hates this crap and wants to hunt down and beat some little shred of humility to whoever signed off on it.  They especially hate the narrator and his desire to upload "all of himself" (not to mention his belief that the ability to do so is a RIGHT..gag....)  This guy acts as if being able to share every moment of his life is guaranteed by the freaking Constitution-- which of course means that he thinks that

A)  we were all being denied our basic rights before this stupid-ass phone he's obviously in love with was put on the market, and

B) he actually believes that more than half a dozen people on the planet give a flying f--k about him and his pathetic life.

The makers of I Phone clearly believe that the best way to sell their product is to make television viewers as angry as possible at Apple, because there's simply no other explanation for the crimes against humanity that are I Phone Ads.  When even YouTubers (except that one woman who bleats about humanity and beauty and who I half-believe is pulling some seriously clever snark, but fear she isn't) think your commercials are insufferable half-minutes of moldy swill, maybe it's time to step back and stop acting like the inventions of the wheel, compass and light bulb were asterisks in history compared to your f--ing phones.  Because this is getting really, really out of control.

Dear Disney: It's got Johnny Depp. It will make a billion dollars. Now please, stop this crap.

I'll let my loyal readers determine for themselves which of these examples of cross-promotion fails more hilariously.

Seriously.  I get that movies are expensive to make, and if you can get some tie-in promotions to cover some of the bill, you're going to do that.  But when ever other freaking advertisement playing on ESPN during the Yankees-Orioles game is an attempt to link a very modern product (cars, Subway sandwiches, etc.) with a film which is supposed to take place in the Old West, it just comes across as really stupid and almost desperate.

It gets even worse when you recall that the company willing to whore out this film to anyone willing to throw a few bucks into the till (never mind that the tie-in makes zero sense to anyone watching) is f--ing DISNEY, which has raked in roughly 800 billion dollars on the Once-Cute, Now Totally Ubiquitous Pirates of the Caribbean franchise alone over the past decade.  Disney needs more money like I need more good looks.

I do believe in the existence of a phenomenon I like to call Marketing Fatigue.  It works like this:  a long-discussed film is about to be released.  There's a lot of buzz about it, and a built-in audience that is very interested in seeing it.  About two months before the Big Release Date, we start to see teaser clips for the film.  These wet our appetites to see the flick, mission accomplished.  But then we start to see these promotional tie-ins.  Lots and lots of promotional tie-ins.  Suddenly the film we want to see is being associated with SUVs, Happy Meals, Credit Cards, and a whole lot of stuff we really don't give a damn about. We start to see a lot of non-actors who populate advertisements hyping the film while eating at Wendy's or drinking Miller Lite.  And we start to get beaten over the head with reminders to somehow "celebrate the release of------" by ordering PapaJohns pizza or dropping in a Seven-Eleven for a Slurpee.

Eventually (my theory goes) we get so bored and insulted at the constant hammering away that our appetite for the film we thought we really wanted to see fades away, and when it finally does show up at the local Multiplex, we greet it with a shrug and a yawn and a strange sense that we've already seen the film and don't have to plop down $10 for another viewing.  Maybe we do go see it, maybe we don't, but certainly the excitement is long gone.  Certainly the idea of waiting for the DVD release is no longer an inconceivable notion.

Now, I'm quite certain that this movie will make a buttload of money (see the title of this post.)  But that just makes all this unnecessary and annoying cross-marketing that much more off-putting.   If we see any of the main characters sell a car or eat at Subway during the film, it will make a little more sense.  Otherwise, this is just really, really pointless.