Chrome-Plated Awful

Or "the Future of Relationships, brought to you by Electronics."

Gee, I wonder what went wrong with their relationship?  It wasn't that they didn't have fun together- hell, they are going to amusement parks and ROME for chrissakes.  So we can cross that out.

Was it the stalking?  This guy seems to know where his girlfriend (excuse me, "travel buddy"- gag-) was at every moment of every date (and maybe when she wasn't on a date with him....hmm....) I can see that getting old, fast.  Like, right away.  I can even see the "hey I was just worried about you" bit not quite smoothing things over.

Was it the Being An Annoying, Hovering Dickwad?  This guy isn't satisfied poking his girl awake for no obvious reason- he has to catch himself doing it, and her reaction, on video which I'm going to just go ahead and assume he posted on YouTube fifteen seconds later.  I can see this being a sore point in any relationship- "hey, honey? Why didn't you just let me sleep?  Or if you needed to wake me up, why did you need to video it?  Did you think this was endearing?  Hint: It wasn't."

No, my guess is that it was the whole Total Lack of Communication thing.  The "conversation" these people have is made up entirely of texts, links and videos.  No talking.  None.  A few years ago, I would have criticized people for attempting to make up over the phone.  Now I see how truly naive I was back then- discussions that once required face to face communication moved to being perfectly appropriate over the phone, and now don't require any emotional risk at all.  Just text, cut and paste, link and stream your way to an understanding of What Went Wrong and What You'll Do To Fix It.

Not that she's any better- am I missing something, or does she actually consult a website to find pros and cons to taking him back?  Meh, nothing surprises me anymore.  Depresses me, yes.  Surprises me, no.

Call me back when you can use it to lift comics off the funny pages

You know, over the past twenty years or so I've gotten very used to these commercials for Pillsbury Non-Food-in-a-Can products.  I don't even blink when I see people at kitchen tables smiling appreciatively at mom when she sets down a basket of this awful junk as if she actually put in the time to make it from scratch- no, not even when we see two alleged adults argue over who gets the last greasy, fat-infused chemical--err, crescent roll- on the table.

It doesn't bug me one bit to watch people who seem to be reasonably prosperous demonstrating absolutely zero taste or common sense as they happily shovel this cheap poison down their cake holes.  Heck, these are probably the same people who just love it when mom dishes up the Kraft mac'n cheese and Hamburger Helper and Shake'n bake and Manwiches and canned ravioli.  Like I said, zero taste and less common sense.

But please, enough with these commercials showing me people playing with this particular non-food product called "Grands."  It's not a toy, is it? If the answer is "no," please, please stop it with the "look how fun it is to tear it apart" and wave it around before sticking it in your mouth" crap.

Or maybe I've been wrong all these years, and it IS a toy?  It would certainly do less harm if it was marketed as a bakeable form of Play-Doh or Silly Putty.  Just put a disclaimer on the can- "Do Not Ingest."

Spying on birds- who the hell do we think we are?

I can't be the only person who watched this commercial and just kept thinking over and over again "this is just so very wrong...."

For the convenience of douchenozzle humans, now we can trick birds into living their entire freaking lives for our entertainment?  And is this in any way good for the birds- don't they kind of need darkness on a regular schedule?  I don't own fish, but I know from talking to the very strange people who seem to like them that aquariums are supposed to include objects that allow the little things to hide from the prying eyes of their captors from time to time.  I've been told this is true of other animals, too- zookeepers don't force animals to spend every hour the place is open on display, and provide caves, holes etc. for the poor things to take a break from the gawking gaze of idiot The World Was Fashioned For Us homo sapiens.

Maybe birds are different but, geeesh....

It's bad enough that we often play Mad Scientist with nature, breeding dogs with hip problems because we like them to look Just So and after all, they exist for our pleasure and only our pleasure anyway, right?  But it's worse when we expect wild animals to eat, breathe, mate and die under the magnifying glass of our overbearing cluelessness and monstrous sense of entitlement.  To paraphrase Frank Zappa, "I'm not a bird, but there sure are times when I wish I could say I wasn't a human."

I don't see any "Misunderstanding" here, Apple

(Author's Note: If I totally misunderstood this little nugget of self-congratulatory rubbish from Apple, don't feel the need to point that out to me.  I like my interpretation as is....)

"My whole family thinks I'm a morose, whiny little techno-addled loner.  I mean, I guess I can't blame them- I'm constantly avoiding human interaction so I can spend time with my electronic buddy, and I make it very clear that I'd much rather watch something I just downloaded to my phone than to actually talk to any of them.  Whenever I am forced to attend a family function, I walk around with my chin in my chest and a 'I'm a sullen, misunderstood artist type' look on my face, and I don't try to hide the fact that I'm totally addicted to that glowing thing that might as well be surgically attached to my hand.  I have no sense of courtesy or respect or even gratitude because indulging in those emotions means I would have to stop being an isolated dickwad for a few minutes.  Hell, I'm not even going to wash my hair now and then, because that's just not who I am.

But I'll show them- over the past week, while they were thinking I was just doing my usual 'fuck off and leave me alone carbon-based life forms, you are the assholes who need therapy, not me' bit, I was actually making a video that the whole family could share. That ought to shut them up for a while, and heck maybe it will even get me an upgrade on this lame-ass phone they got me on my birthday, six months ago.

And now that this whole sharing thing is over, maybe they'll leave me alone  so I can back to posting pointless crap for my 369 friends on Facebook (367 of whom I've never met in person.)  First thing I'm going to do is make a video about how painful it was to devote so damn much time to my idiot family.  But we artists- we must suffer for our art, mustn't we?"

This makes the Talking Bass look like a wise home decor purchase

I spent more than a minute watching this and all the time, I thought for sure I was going to see an "ONLY KIDDING" disclaimer followed by a "tired of buying stupid junk that seemed like a good idea at 2 AM but now just clutters up your basement because there's no way you would actually give it to someone or admit that you even own one?" tagline.

But it never happened.  This is a real, purchasable item that you can buy for $10 plus shipping and handling (and, of course, you can get TWO for the price of ONE just pay extra shipping and handling) and it will be sent right to your door where you'll open it, look at it, figure out how the batteries go in it, make sure it works, and then look at it some more and wonder why on Earth you thought you would actually want this just because a group of really really bad actors on television were so delighted with it for a minute and a half during a commercial.

Oh wait, maybe it's because parrots are "America's most popular bird."  Yeah, but little plastic parrots aren't.  Maybe it's because actual parrots take a lot of work and expense?  Well, ok- but I don't want the hassle of a real animal living in my house either; that doesn't mean I want a plastic fake animal reacting to my movements by whistling at me instead.  Just because I don't want the mess and expense of a real parrot doesn't mean I want to be mocked by every friend who pops into my house and then leaves wondering if I've become a senile lunatic with absolutely no taste at all.

And it gets worse.  Some people would actually buy a CAGE for this thing?  Um, what the heck is the point of that?  Maybe it's like the parrot in the coal mine thing- if you visit grandma and she's lining the cage her Perfect Polly "lives" in, it's time to get grandma into an assisted living situation.

(BTW,  I don't normally look at the comments under the YouTube videos I embed for this blog, but some of the snark for this commercial is just priceless.  Here are my favorites:

"I'm ordering a PERFECT KITTY to eat it."

"Grandma still hasn't figured out Polly isn't really alive."

"You bought a fake bird a cage."

And best of all- "Meanwhile, on the Forever Alone Shopping Network...."

And what IS IT with the Lone Ranger music?  Who the heck thought THAT fit?)

Netflix: It's not just for helping you become part of your couch anymore

The only way this awful pile of dumb ends in a way which is at all satisfying to the viewer is for the guy here to get up and just move out on his disgustingly passive-aggressive girlfriend (who, by the way, apparently spent an enormous amount of time finding just the right clips to express what she feels but is unwilling to say.)

Of course, this doesn't happen- instead he goes along with this Worse Than The Silent Treatment Because at Least With the Silent Treatment You Can Just Think About That Not-Insane Woman You Used to Date- and even joins in with her sick not-communicative way of communicating.

She isn't even all that good-looking.  Why put up with this crap?

Oh and BTW, wasn't this already done two freaking years ago, with a married woman actually changing her Facebook status to "single" because over a fight and then forgiving her big dope of a husband (who, again, should just dump her pathetic butt) thirty seconds later when he scrolls to Just the Right Movie on their playlist?  So we are just recycling really awful ideas here?

This really puts those Godfather Marathons on Thanksgiving in perspective....

Because when it's time to gather 'round with the family to enjoy the warmth of the holiday season, what could be more fitting than 8-plus hours of child neglect, child endangerment, and people being burned, stabbed, impaled, concussed, blinded, and humiliated in a thousand other different ways....

I think I'd rather watch Clark Griswold nail his thumb to the roof (before falling off of it,)  get knocked unconscious by the attic door and almost kill his family with rock-stupid driving than spend five minutes with Look How Much Fun It Is To Almost Die Over and Over Again.  Hell, I'd rather watch an afternoon of Stream Clean commercials than even one of the Home Alone films.

Every Cult begins with Kay?

Ok, the squigginess of this commercial has been done to death- everyone and their little brother has pointed out that this guy seems to be trying to form the same relationship with the little girl that he has with the mom, that the little girl is being paid off to accept Boyfriend as the New Man in Mom's Life, etc. etc.  I don't really have any more to add to that particular storyline that hasn't been said on YouTube and other blogs, and I'm not so desperate for material that I'm willing to just repeat the opinion of pretty much everyone who has seen this ad, so....

I think instead I'll focus on the weird design Jane Seymour tells us that she came up with for her jewelry.  It's not that it's pretty boring and unimaginative- it's that it shows up so many times I think that it's trying to subliminally burn itself into my brain.  Look, there it is in the box.  Look, Mommy's wearing one.  Look, Dr. Quinn is wearing one- and LOOK, she's got a freaking FRAMED PAINTING OF IT ON HER DESK!  Is this a piece of jewelry, or the membership key to a forbidden palace (or, at least, very exclusive club) somewhere?

Ok, that wasn't as interesting a take as I thought it would be.  So...umm.....doesn't it look like Mommy's New Boyfriend is trying to hook up with that little girl?  Man, that's weird.

Hey, Bud Lite? I cracked the code, too!

"I don't understand....every time I turn around, this stupid commercial is playing on my television screen..."

"Which means that roughly 200 times per NFL game, I get to watch this insipid, ugly jerk stand at the door of his basement, contemplating a life in which he not only owns a house, but has no trouble filling it with attractive people every Sunday afternoon....attractive, fun-loving people who apparently consume a lot of beer, since he's going down to the basement to fetch more several times a game...."

"Which means that this guy's life is much, much better than mine, despite the fact that he doesn't approach me in the looks department, and as for taste...well, jeesh, he keeps a basement full of Bud Lite...."

"Which means that I, too, have cracked the code.  God Hates Me."

I got me some serious money management issues!

That first guy- ugh, seriously?

And LoanMax lends money with car titles as collateral- even when the car has a "major repair job" that needs to get done?  Hmm, sounds pretty good- for people whose credit is so firmly in the toilet that they can't get a credit card or a bank loan.  Cripes, why do I get the feeling that every stick of furniture and every electronic device these people possess has a Rent-a-Center label on it?

"I got me some money."  Oh no-- he didn't actually say that.  LoanMax didn't actually get a black wannabee actor to say that, did they?  Sigh.

Oh my God- she's turning into Howard Hughes!

Ok, I get that "you can't put a couch in a washing machine"- but you CAN put blankets and sheets in a washing machine, Insane Woman With a Can of Lysol.  I get the impression here that you've just decided to replace actually doing laundry with just constantly spraying dirty things with this stuff.

Which means that you've gone completely insane- so completely insane, in fact, that you haven't even noticed that the "family" you mention is long gone- they obviously got sick of the nauseating smell of Lysol hovering over everything, not to mention living in a house full of dirty, sticky clothes damp with liquid germ killer.  Clearly Lysol is not kind to brain cells.

Calling BSers on their BS. "Inspired" by Fios

Never mind a deep analysis of this ad's obvious message- "we are taking note of our critics and are only too happy to come after you if we don't like what you say," let's just take a closer look at the disgusting, pasty douchenozzles who actually took the time to stop sucking their thumbs and bitch about a service which would have seemed utterly miraculous less than twenty years ago:

"Did you say 'my internet is so bad that it's giving my kids psychological problems?"

Steve: "Yes."

When Steve acknowledges that, yes, he admitted that his kids are so fucking shallow that less than stellar internet service is causing them deep emotional, life changing distress (or that HE is so fucking shallow that he thinks "Despicable Me 2 isn't streaming fast enough" equals "psychological distress") he's naturally treated to an upgrade.  Because the Dumbest Wheel gets the grease, after all.

"My internet is so slow it would be faster to look things up in the library?"  Did you post this?

"Yes."

Umm, when was the last time you were at a library?  When was the last thing you looked up other than the location of the nearest 24-hour Little Caesar's?  Are you actually trying to convince me that you are doing research in something you wouldn't mind your neighbors finding out about?

"My internet is so slow it's like a car without gas."

Did you post this, Lindsay S?  You did? Well, lady, a poet you are NOT.  You are aware, of course, that a car without gas isn't slow, it's stationary, right?  I mean, did you put any thought into your comment at all?

A few more honest visits like this, and these moron jackanapes will shut their whineholes and just accept the fact that not having Everything Right Now isn't the absolute worst thing in the world.  At least, we can hope.

Shopping for Daddy Dearest?

Seriously, the trepidation- no make that downright Fear- in this woman's voice is simply frightening.  And then add in the panicky, "oh god let's not have another Christmas with Cigarette Burns All Around like last year, Someday Mommy will take you kids someplace safe but for now, Daddy is Daddy and we just want peace, ok?" dialogue and we are left with absolutely nothing funny here.

"We only have four hours to find Daddy a present and he's gotta have the best..." Four hours?  In a mall which looks like it has about a hundred shops but only a few dozen people actually doing any shopping?  Why do I get the feeling that every other present this woman has bought her husband has been a Nice Try Honey But Not Quite Good Enough I Guess You Don't Love Me As Much As I Love You failure?

"I need you to be a rock..." this woman is quite literally freaking out- and is begging her six-year old daughter to be Strong For Mommy during this Terrifying Time.  Again- there's nothing funny here.  It's really just sad and I'm sure there's an abuse hotline this woman really needs to become acquainted with.  Nobody should live like this, Mommy- but just because you are willing to tolerate Life on the Razor's Edge, doesn't mean you get to project your terror on to those poor kids.

Mommy looks so relieved when she sees that she can buy Daddy a cell phone (he doesn't already have one? Hmmm....) So, she's done already and the next four hours can be spent doing something nice and relaxing with the kids?

No, I actually kind of doubt it.  More likely, the cell phone koisk is just the first stop in what will be a long, painful voyage which takes this family from one upscale shop to another, running up a big Visa bill purchasing gloves, a scarf, a leather jacket, a new electric razor, and don't forget what happened the last time you came home without Daddy's favorite Tequila, Mommy.  All purchased with the dim hope that maybe, just maybe, Daddy will like his gifts enough to respond with something other than cutting put-downs or angry rants which end with Mommy applying ice to her face as she explains to the kids that Daddy Just Doesn't Feel Very Well Today So We Should Be Extra Quiet and He Really Loves Us Very Much You Know That's Why We Have This Beautiful House We Should All Be Grateful For All He Does For Us.

I know you would never consider this, Mommy- but you can do a lot with a four-hour head start.  Again, there are 800-numbers out there, the moment you are ready to draw the line and take a step toward a sane, happy life for you and your children.  I don't know anything else about you, but I know you deserve better- because everyone does.  Good luck.

In the end, I guess I just hate everyone in this Kay Jewelers commercial. Nothing new about that.

I swear this commercial showed up no less than 1200 times during two NFL games last Sunday.  And it just got more cloying and banal and just plain dumb and pointless with each airing.  By halftime of the second game, I had it memorized, and had gone from wanting the Judgmental Seriously Who Asked Your Opinion Old Man to just waddle outside and die in a snowbank to actually being on his side and reminding The Boyfriend that he's a guest in someone's home and not on his own couch in his own apartment.

I mean, come on.  Come up for air, people  Lady? It's a freaking watch.  Get over it.

At the same time- Stupid Old Man?  Your ass isn't nailed to that chair, is it?  How about stretching your legs for a bit?  Better yet- instead of bitching about toys that need batteries (how old is this guy?  Most of the toys I got when I was a kid needed batteries, and I bet his did, too. Jesus is he going to start waving his cane around and shaking his fist at clouds next?) how about playing with your grandkids?  Trust me, the young couple that is just trying to share a moment won't miss you and your running commentary one damned bit.

Oh, and "looks like we got a man here?"  Um, why- because he didn't get your (daughter? Granddaughter?) a toy or cell phone or computer for Christmas? What exactly is superior about a piece of jewelry?  What the hell is the matter with you?

Oh wait, I forgot.  No more running commentary, please.  I believe there's still a snowbank out there with your name on it.

Ugh. This Again?

Dear Chevy,

This wasn't funny last year.  Why do you insist on acting like a six year old in possession of one joke that he insists on telling his parent's friends over and over again?

When I see a very fat guy with a white beard, I might think "hmm, he looks like Santa Claus."  I don't think he IS Santa Claus, and there's absolutely nothing he could do to convince me that he IS Santa Claus.  Because I'm an adult, and all that.

Actually, if I walked into a Chevy Dealership ( what are the odds? Not good) and saw this guy selling cars, the first thing I'd think would be "I can't believe that Chevy believes that if they hire guys who look like Santa Claus to push their crap, people will be more likely to buy.  Adults are NOT that stupid."

Then again, check out this woman, who for the sake of a really bad pun calls a salesman a "Saint" for....offering to help her pick out a car and earn him a commission.  They don't make Saints the way they used to, I guess- last time I checked, helping a customer pick out a car was kind of expected from car  salesmen and didn't require a huge heart (or stomach, or beard.)

Or just play the Quiet Game. That would work, too.

1.  Passengers can't tell if a car "handles nicely."  So shut up, stupid passenger with nothing intelligent to say.  Why are you even talking at all?  Shouldn't you be staring at your phone?  That's what I see every passenger on the road doing, all the time, anyway (and way too many drivers, too.)

2.  This guy put an entire pool together and had it filled with 17,000 gallons of water- but didn't use any nuts?  And it held water for any length of time?

3.  Wouldn't it be funny if the kid in the pool got seriously hurt because his dad is a moron?  No? Then why did you think it was at all funny when the pool collapsed?  Because in real life, that probably means the kid gets hurt, you hypocrite.

4.  Once again, how do the two people in the car manage to come up with exactly the same mental image?

5.  When the driver says "that would be like using nuts OR bolts" shouldn't the passenger reply "ok, forget it, I was just trying to make small talk.  Doesn't this thing have a fricking stereo system?"

We can all relate to this Audi ad, can't we?

One rich douchenozzle after another gets a glance at a new Audi, thinks about it for roughly three seconds, and then drops the keys to what we KNOW is a perfectly good (and almost certainly luxury) car into the Salvation Army donation bucket.

Look, I know this is just a commercial.  But is this disturbingly sick or what?  We are supposed to believe that not only are these jagoffs so rich that they can make a snap decision to buy an Audi, but that they don't even need the freaking trade-in value on their current car to get one.

Oh, and weird Elf Donation Girl?  You and me both.  I am seriously going to need a bigger bucket.

God, I hate this time of year.

If you thought "Chocolate Diamonds" were dumb, check THIS out!

What if you could take rare, expensive diamonds and make them look like the plastic costume jewelry you can get out of a gumball machine?

Personally?  If I were a guy willing to spend a thousand dollars or more on a rock for some girl, and that girl said she wanted that diamond to be bright pink or blue or green, I'd be more than a little irritated.  I'm pretty sure my first thought would be "um, if you are going to wear something that looks like Junk, then why don't I just BUY junk and save a lot of money?  Hey, I'm just asking, honey!"

What's next?  This is like putting Golden Arches on a high-scale restaurant- "sure, it LOOKS cheap, but wait 'till you see how much the entrees cost!"  Or maybe Lexus will offer a model with built-in dents and scratches, with no reduction in cost.  Hey, check out this $2 mil condo- it's in a great neighborhood and comes with real hardwood floors and a gorgeous spiral staircase-- the washing machines are in the basement, and take quarters.

Seriously, this is just nuts.  I can just see people wearing these cheap-looking things and spending all their time "casually" mentioning to passer-bys that "sure, they LOOK like something an eight-year old would find in a Cracker Jack Box,  but they are real and cost big bucks!  I swear!"

The Release of Pompeii- I guess they were just waiting for the CGI to catch up?

Back in 1972, a little movie called The Poseidon Adventure launched the first Disaster Film Era.  Over the rest of the decade, Hollywood dished out a seemingly endless series of mostly-bad films depicting B-actors finding themselves in Really Terrible Predicaments featuring tidal waves, volcanoes, meteors, fire, killer insects and amphibians- I was pretty sure that by the time the whole thing wound down around 1980 they hadn't left a single possible disaster scenario unexplored.  Some of them had big budgets- there were the four Airport films.  The Towering Inferno (that one had Paul Newman AND O.J. Simpson.)  Meteor (which bankrupted a studio and almost ended Sean Connery's career.)  Then there were the Direct-To-The-Drive-In low-budget Let's Make Ed Wood Proud features like The Killer Bees and The Frogs (I actually saw that one- the only scenes I remember were the ones with the guy being eaten by leeches and the end with the frogs riding on the record player.  That was fun.)

According to my friend over at the Haphazardstuff.com  blog, the release of the original (and by far the best) spoof film, Airplane! in 1980 pretty much nailed the coffin on an idea which had been worn threadbare anyway, and the first Disaster Film Era came to an unsung end.  The 80s were dominated by Star Wars and Indiana Jones and Back to the Future, and our optimism didn't leave any room for screaming, desperate, frightened idiots trying to escape impending doom (unless the impending doom was in the form of a guy with a big knife wearing a hockey mask.)

In the 90s we had a mini-revival of the Disaster Film craze with Twister (if you've never seen it, you must not own a TV, because with the possible exception of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I don't think any film has been rebroadcast as often) Armageddon, Deep Impact (despite the aforementioned failure of Meteor, Hollywood seemed pretty convinced that there was an appetite for Big Rocks Falling from Space to kill us story lines,) Volcano, Dante's Peak (which should have convinced the Broccolis to stick with Dalton.  Idiots.) And of course the ultimate disaster flick, the most overrated film of all time, Titanic.*  

More recently, we've had a Poseidon remake.  Let's just forget that one, shall we?

Well, maybe my readers won't believe this, but more than a decade ago, while watching Gladiator and wondering how many togas-and-sandals imitators it would spawn, I found myself also wondering why Hollywood hadn't recreated the story of Pompeii since around the silent era.  Maybe it was considered during the first two Disaster Eras and rejected as too pricey?  So the only thing I find surprising about the impending release of Pompeii is what took so long.  Sure, Showtime gave us Spartacus: Sweat, Sex and Sandals (ok, I don't really know what each season is called, I just know the show lasted longer than the actual slave rebellion) and HBO the superior Rome, but the story of the Big Volcano that Blew Up and Gave Us an Awesomely Preserved Tourist Attraction seemed like a lost opportunity at the time.

But here it is.  I'm sure it's going to be awful- but that's fine, as long as it doesn't lead to another Disaster Film Era.  I think the next Batman film will be more than enough disaster for this decade.

*Rose killed Jack.  She had multiple opportunities to just get on one of the lifeboats, and each time she refused so she could continue to be a millstone around Jack's neck.  If she had just left him to take care of himself and not have to worry about saving her helpless butt every few minutes, he would have been on that raft by himself and they would have met up with the other survivors at the end.  Idiot.

One Dryer+ Sixteen Hours= More than one pizza, I'd think

1. Why is Jim so determined to use only one dryer for all of his clothes?  It's clear that there are plenty of dryers that are not being used all around the one he is trying to break.  And it's not to save money, because we are told it took "16 hours to dry all his clothes," and "his hoodie was still a little damp" even then.

2.  Is Jim really eating pizza in a laundromat?  Yeah, there's nothing like the smell of soap, bleach and dirty socks to get your appetite cranked up, huh, Jim?

3.  Is Jim really going to be handling his finally sort-of-dry laundry with hands that just spent fifteen minutes delivering pizza to his face?  Jim isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?

Another point of personal privilege: Thanks, US Postal "Service"

• 
  

Delivered

Delivered on: Sunday, December 8, 2013 
Thanks for shopping at Amazon. 

Your package was delivered 

Tracking Details:

So...my package "was" delivered on Sunday..

that would be TOMORROW....

OR...it was actually delivered TODAY, which is SATURDAY..

...but the package is INVISIBLE....

Best bet:  My mail carrier has once again decided "oh hell, what difference 

does it make...I'll just give this to John's neighbor and save myself a few steps..

.John will get it eventually...."

Again- thanks, US Postal "Service."

Well, thanks for clearing that up, Chevy

"Honey, what are you doing?"

"Acting like a moron.  I am a Male, after all, and this IS a television commercial.  What are YOU doing?"

"Emasculating you for no particularly good reason.  I am a Female, after all, and this IS a television commercial."

Glad to see that everything is in its place, even in a Black Friday ad.

No kidding. It does not get sadder than this

This creepy mannequins in this commercial are chirping at us that the way to make the holidays a little brighter is to take out a loan on your car title and then use that money to buy stuff.  While an even creepier elf-thing does a drunk little dance in the background  (I don't know what that is about at all.)

If you don't have much money- here's an idea!  Just put your car up as collateral, get yourself some extra money, and spend it on stuff you don't really need!  I mean, your car is just sitting there, and people you know are expecting things under the tree- what are you waiting for?

Because this makes a lot more sense than just living within your freaking means, and rejecting the Buy Buy Buy message being force-fed to society every November through February (Thanksgiving to Valentine's Day has become 90-day orgy of excess, hasn't it?)  Hey, do blood banks still pay for plasma donations?

Just.....wow.

Well, at least Chevy Malibu lets us know who to blame....

Somewhere buried in this mess is kind of a nice message- "life isn't perfect."  Of course, we who do not live in TV land didn't really need to be reminded of this, but since 99.9 percent of car commercials show Pretty Perfect People living Pretty Perfect Lives in their Pretty Perfect Houses and Pretty Perfect Cars, it's not a bad thing to have this acknowledged in what I eventually figured out was an ad for Chevy Malibu.

The problem is, the nice message really is buried in a mess which SEEMS to be a CELL PHONE commercial.  We see this stupid, ugly moron staring at his stupid phone, explaining to us how much "we" enjoy capturing- and think it's very very important to capture- every freaking moment of the lives of his children.  And not just capture, but post.  He worries that "we" edit too much- we only show the "good" stuff- and in doing so send a false message.  In other words, this idiot thinks that people only believe what they see on Facebook- if all we witness is the fun, we'll think that all his family is doing is having fun.

Odd- I don't think this way.  If I thought that everyone on Facebook was only living the lives I saw on Facebook, I'd be so damned depressed I'd just have to stop looking at it.  This guy looks like he's too old to have grown up with Facebook- does he think that photo albums tell unadulterated truth?  And does he really believe that people who "edit too much" are the problem?  Personally, I think that people don't edit anywhere near enough- the stuff they think I'm interested in (I really need to see another picture of your three-week old kid, the one you posted four hours ago is out of date) never ceases to astonish (read: bore) me...

Even more odd is the way he suggests that "we" fix this "problem" (seriously, this guy thinks too much about nothing and has way too much time on his hands.)  He muses that maybe we ought to just post everything- good lord, including his little kids dealing with lice (I'm not kidding- congratulations, dad, those kids will never stop hating you, ever) and Junior's Little Car Accident (why does anyone else need to know this happened?  Why would anyone else- let alone EVERYONE else- care?)

Does the word "privacy" mean anything at all to this clod?  "Look, my kids have lice!  Look, my kid damaged the car!*  Look, my kid wet the bed (ok, we don't actually see this, but it connects logically, doesn't it?")

Oh, and remember- this is a Chevy Malibu commercial.  Not a cell phone commercial, not a Facebook commercial.  Remember I used the word "mess" earlier?

PS- "Somewhere between that trip to Paris and that 6-week Juice Cleanse."  Oh seriously, fuck off you privileged, clueless one-percenter dickwad.

*The kid makes it very clear that he doesn't want his accident put on the internet.  Parent's response-"who cares what you want?  We are living an uncensored, unedited life!  Online it goes!"

Nexus almost gives us a good commercial. Almost.

This commercial for Google Nexus 7 Whatever isn't horrible- in fact, compared to most of the hideous dreck out there, it's almost good.  Father* playing with son in the woods- ok, that's sweet, not bad.  I especially like where they catch a frog and then look it up on the internet- maybe the first-ever use of a cell phone in an ad that I can actually understand and approve of.  Good for you, Dad- taking advantage of a learning moment.  I would have just taken a photo and saved the research for later, but that's me- no big problem with your decision to do it right away, you've got that phone glued to your hand anyway.

 Just a few questions-

1.  Why does Dad feel the need to play Jurassic Park (or Walking with Dinosaurs, whatever that is) on his phone while his son is looking at actual wildlife?  The way he shrugs when Son notices him- is he admitting that hey, I'm bored with spending time with you, kid, and thought I'd just watch a movie?  Is Dad playing a little joke on his son- like "I'm going to hold this up and my kid will have exactly the right magnification and catch the phone screen at just the right angle so he'll think that there are actually dinosaurs in the backyard- and then he'll realize there aren't and he'll either think I'm funny or just a dick?"  Or is he quietly admitting that "hey, frogs are nice and all but CGI dinosaurs are much better- actually, the creatures we can observe and catch out here are pretty damned lame compared to these CGI dinosaurs, aren't they son?"

2.  Turns out these guys are in the backyard- so why didn't dad run in to get his son a bandage when he picked up the bruise?  Was he afraid that this might throw off the whole "great outdoors" experience?  Umm....I really think that the constant use of your little electronic toy is doing that already, Dad....

3.  This father and son are out under the stars, with a campfire- and they still need to watch cartoons and play electronic checkers?  Really?  How about just talking to each other?  Is this so damned hard?

*After a few viewings, it began to occur to me that this commercial actually has "Mom's boyfriend trying to bond with her son" spewed all over it.  There sure isn't a whole lot of natural warmth here.

Well, "greatest" after this big, shiny Chrysler, of course

Yes, if you've got yourself an ostentatious mansion in the 'burbs, a perfect family, and a massive, Look at Me I'm Better Than You SUV to drive them all around in, nothing makes you feel like you aren't quite going to hell like dropping off a few excess gifts at the local toy drive bin.

Hey, Eurotrash dickwad with a car that cost more than it takes to feed Nigeria for a year- if you think your head isn't going to end up on a pike just because you bought a few extra presents for Cody and Dillon so they could experience the Joy of Giving To Their Lessers (and the special joy of doing it in the most showy way imaginable, arriving in Dad's 11 MPG Gleaming Studmobile) you've got another think coming.  You are still heading for the inferno, you pompous one-percent piece of feces.

Want to "give something back?"  Start with that disgustingly unnecessary car of yours.  Turn it in to the dealer, get your money back, buy something just as functional for half the cost, and give the difference to a soup kitchen.  Hey, what a great message that would send your kids- Dad is willing to give up one of HIS toys, too!  Yeah, that's going to happen.

Oh, and "Most Refined Brand?"  Fuck off, Chrysler.

"Road Closed? I don't understand- we're white and rich!"

But not literate, apparently.  Because most people don't really need "road closed" explained to them.

In the real world, lady, this means that you and your privileged hubby and spawn turn your pretty SUV around and go right back down to the visitor's center.  Or better yet, you park your fricking boat right there and start hiking up to "Glacier Point" (really, whatever.)  In short, you get a little education in Just Because You Own This Car Doesn't Mean You Get To Go Everywhere In It, Douchenozzle.

"Keep up keep up keep up"-- yeah, because it's very, very important that you get the view from Glacier Point while sitting your pampered ass on the heated seat of your SUV (note that the kids are so interested in chasing a guy on a dog sled that they are both watching their own cartoons on their own in-seat DVD players.  Jeesh...)

And naturally, it ends with these idiots wanting to be escorted to the next Off-Limits To Motor Vehicles Except Yours Of Course site. Ugh.

Here's how this commercial SHOULD end- turns out the "guide" is just a lunatic (after my own heart) who decides that since these disgusting idiots insist that "Road Closed" simply can NOT apply to them, he'll just take them up the dangerous mountain in their overpriced SuperCar and leave them there to die.  And that's what happens- this lovely family freezes to death, their SUV serving as a lovely tomb trapped in a drift, tires spinning helplessly until the damn thing runs out of gas (well, how long could THAT take?)  Because I am sick to death of reading about people like these choads being rescued from their own asshattery on my dime.

Or they are eaten by those dogs.  Either way.