Why Louisville? Because it's that time of year again, I guess

As near as I can tell, it's because the Advanced Placement US History Test became too popular and required too many readers for San Antonio to accommodate- so the annual reading moved to Louisville, which has two big centrally-located hotels connected to a convention center which can easily seat 1200 graders, in 2007.

Fortunately, it also has some very cool night clubs, museums, a water park, and a minor league baseball team which will be in town for the first two nights I'm there.  Across the river in Indiana is a really cool fossil bed on the river bank.  It's just a really, really fun little town and I always enjoy my annual visit.

Anyway, I'll be there again for the entire week of June 1-7 grading about a thousand Free-Response Essays and Document-Based Questions, so I'm not sure I'll be able to update until I get back.  If the computer lab is still up and operational in the basement of the Kentucky Convention Center I'll post a couple of times, but if not- please keep my counter number up by browsing the archives, and see you with fresh posts when I get back!

Discover an ad that will leave you wanting to really hurt someone

Discover treats us "the way we'd treat you."  I don't know what that means, and maybe I heard it wrong- though that's really hard to believe, considering I've suffered through this god damned hateful horrible insulting steaming dollop of crud about twenty times over the past hour.  If I did hear right, Discover thinks that the way we "want to be treated" is like mouth-breathing toddlers who need to be hit on the head with a Stupid Rubber Hammer of Dumb by the laziest ad writers since that "Don't Squeeze The Charmin" campaign ended in the 70s.

I just wonder- how many perfectly good television sets got destroyed by people who couldn't get to the remote and would rather endure anything other than listening to this banal horror even one more time?

I also wonder what mutant species spawned the YouTube comment-writers who actually LOL like this ad LOL.  More evidence that alcohol and pregnancy don't mix.

I'm sorry, but the guy in this Experian Ad still has plenty to worry about

So this guy cosigned his daughter's application to get a credit card.  He "thought that was the end of the conversation"- probably because he thought he had raised his daughter to be a sensible, level-headed human being and not an irresponsible jackass with Daddy's Credit Rating.

Then he found out that his daughter was using the card to buy friends and rake up a big bill in a dozen other ways.  He found this out through a "Satellite Service" (I don't know what this is.  Nor do I want to.)  Not from his daughter.  In fact, there's no indication that he even once called her to ask for a heart-to-heart on the subject of fiscal responsibility or common decency for that matter.

When he found out that daughter wasn't paying the bills on the credit card (leaving him, as the co-signer, responsible,) he still "wasn't worried" about his credit score.  He's got Experian which I guess protects his reputation as-- well, as someone who cosigns an irresponsible little twit's credit card application, and then does nothing about it when she runs up a big bill and doesn't make payments on it.  He can "relax" by a big, crystal-clear swimming pool knowing that his credit rating is safe.  Apparently the big bill doesn't bother him in the slightest, because we STILL don't see him attempting any contact with his daughter.  We don't even see him cancelling the card.  It's No Worries for Daddy because Daddy's only concern is his credit score.

Which makes me think that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Maybe Daughter isn't worried about money because Daddy has never taught her anything about spending and paying bills.  He sure doesn't seem interested in teaching any lessons here.  Hey, at least the Dad in the FreeCreditReport.com  ad took back the credit card when his daughter bought "about fifty pounds of makeup from the makeup store and a party for the entire dorm floor."  This guy is just going to lay by the pool.  Jeesh.

You married it, lady. Live with it.

Ummm.....what?

This loser was really willing to dent up his gleaming, showroom-pristine car so he could watch the odometer hit 100,000?

Where was he driving this car?  Around an empty parking lot?  To the car wash and back, and that's it?  Because if THIS car has 100,000 miles on it, it must come with a force field or a warranty that provides monthly detailing.  I mean, please.

Why do guys like this always have nice houses and wives?  I mean, no matter how rock-stupid they are, they never seem to lack good jobs and the suburban lifestyle that is after all the American Dream.  Sure, Wifey always has a Oh God I Married A Moron look on her face, but she's always there, because hey there's this house and a car.  It never seems to matter how utterly brain-dead these doofuses are- nothing stands in the way of success for some guys.

I don't get it- maybe because I don't live in tv land.  I hope that's it- because if this is reality, I want to know why I missed the boat on this deal.

We were going to add "Oh and thanks, Vets" but we ran out of time

Look, I'm hardly the mawkish, saccharine type who wears his sentimentalism  on his sleeve, but I do find it a little annoying that the only hint of an actual holiday in this ad is a little pinwheel inserted in the company logo.

On the other hand, I've never been able to listen to a lot of radio or watch a lot of TV during Memorial Day weekend, because the cheap treacle just flows too fast and too thick for me- the non-veteran sports and news commentators bleating "honor the fallen" and "support the troops" as if they are being paid by the mention, the phony jingoistic flag-worship, and all the rest which, let's just admit it, is seen by most people as a mild annoyance that barely interrupts the burger-flipping and potato-chip consuming that makes the "holiday" little more than a rehearsal of July 4th.

And what's with the cable movie channels every Memorial Day Weekend?   Every World War II film in the archives gets dragged out, every single year, to run in a ceaseless marathon of cinematic death and destruction.  Who got the idea that the best way to "honor the fallen" is to spend three days watching Hollywood storm beaches and blow up bridges?  The youngest WWII vets are approaching 90.  Is this fun for the veterans of Korea, Vietnam, etc?- "Hey guys, we are going to honor you by showing you movies about America's last real war that had an actual, honorable point to it?"  Or is it more "we really don't know how to honor those who served in war (clearly the only service that counts*) so here's John Wayne leading an army of actors up a fake hill on a lot behind the comedy store again?"  Somehow I find the Lowe's commercials- and the mattress commercials, the car commercials, the big-screen tv commercials, the cell phone commercials, etc.- more dignified than this.   At least they are more honest- "hey, it's a holiday- that means it's time to spend money again!  Why not do it here?"

*If we ever get an actual Liberal in the White House, I'd like that person to push for a national holiday celebrating service that does not involve shooting and getting shot at.  But if we must have two holidays per year devoted to our veterans, let's show our support with something other than 72-hour movie marathons and sales.  How about fully funding the VA and avoiding For-Profit conflicts?  That would be a nice start.

Just because this Passat commercial reminds me of a true story....

So about, oh, fifteen or twenty years ago I was getting ready to drive my little nephew from Vermont to visit his grandparents in Washington, DC.  That's a 9-hour drive, not including gas and bathroom breaks for those of you who are interested.

Very early in the morning of the big drive the kid is dropped off with a little suitcase.  His dad hands me a box of audio tapes.  "What's this?" I ask.  "It's his audio version of The Lord of the Rings- he loves listening to it, and it takes about ten hours to get through."

"Oh cool" I replied.  "Does he have enough batteries for his Walkman to last that long?"  And here comes the punchline.

"Oh, he doesn't have a Walkman.  Don't you have a tape player in the car?"

No kidding.  I was expected to listen to The Lord of the Rings on my car's stereo system.  For nine hours.  Seriously.

I had totally forgotten this story until I saw this ridiculous, obnoxious commercial.  Who the hell plans a road trip and then forces his companion to listen exclusively to one thing all the way?

BTW, considering that everyone except me has a Smartphone these days, isn't this kind of outdated anyway?  What stopped the guest from just whipping out his phone, a pair of ear buds, and living his own little world while the idiot, selfish asshat  driver learned Spanish?

Oh, and no- I don't really remember exactly how it worked out, but I didn't listen to one minute of  The Lord of the Rings during that drive.  Not. One. Minute.

Zombies and Cell Phones- Perfect Together

Personally, I'm amazed that it took so long for cell phone companies to use zombies in commercials for their brain cell-murdering, society-destroying, "luxury ten minutes ago now more important than air" little devices.  After all, if these things don't attract zombies, they certainly turn their users into them.

Ancestory.com- because no one wants to chat, no one wants to read your tweets, and G-d F-ing Forbid you just go offline for a bit.

"You don't have to know what you're looking for, you just have to start looking."*

Um, no, you don't.  You can get your fat butt out of that chair, smear some sunscreen on your face, and go outside.  Who knows what you'll find?  Fresh air.  Singing birds.  Kids playing.  A warm sun giving your skin a healthy glow.  Air that hasn't been filtered through an AC unit filling your lungs.  Maybe a neighbor who got the same inspiration to actually do something that didn't involve the internet- the neighbor you haven't seen since you were stringing lights around your house last December, perhaps?

Because after all, you really haven't managed to convince yourself that you give a damn about your ancestors, or that giving a damn will do anything to enrich your life in any way.  This is all about having another excuse for not leaving the house, or using that So Much Smarter Than You phone.  And wasting money.  In short, it's all about your sad little life spent gazing at a glowing screen, trying to find some meaning in all this and hoping that you'll find it for sale on some website at a reasonable price.

I just had to include this parody ad along with the actual commercial, because it's so spot-on.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

*Unless I'm misinterpreting what I'm seeing, doesn't the woman in the first ad hit a gigantic dead end just a few generations into her search, when she finds out her great-grandmother was found abandoned outside an Abbey (thus her last name?)

I'm J-O-H-N and your commercial gives me a H-E-A-D-A-C-H-E

Here you are, ladies and gentlemen- the laziest, most condescendingly insulting commercial since the last time someone tried to sell us a cell phone or cable service.

Seriously, I'm sorry the K-N-O-B who wrote this lump of C-R-U-D is so L-A-M-E, but I'll be even sorrier if he doesn't soon himself on the unemployment L-I-N-E.  After all, SOMEONE needs to pay for making me really, really hate the jackasses who appear in this steaming pile of D-U-N-G.

I"m assuming that all of these idiots are Libertarians?

I mean, what kind of Live Free or Die jagoff carries his pathetic "No gummint gonna tell me what I'm gonna do with my own skull" philosophy as far as refusing to wear a seat belt?

There's a very good reason for seat belt laws, none of which have anything to do with the Big Bad Nanny Government wanting to deprive you of your god-given right to be a clueless jackass.  You see, there's this annoying thing called Car Insurance that state laws require to buy so when you slam into someone while scrolling baseball scores on your smartphone instead of watching the damn road the medical bills which result won't be the responsibility of the person you hit.  And if we are all wearing seat belts, the chances are really good that the bill will be a lot lower than if we got tossed around (or out) of the vehicle upon impact.

It's not rocket science.  But if you are still wedded to your "principles" which require to you repeatedly threaten to have your nose shaved off by your steering wheel to spite your face, Man Up and just pay the fines.  Thoreau spent the night in jail rather than compromise HIS principles.  What's a hundred dollars or so compared to the satisfaction of knowing you didn't let the Big Bad Government Push You Around?

And when you are eating your meals out of a straw from your wheelchair because instead of a mild case of strap burn and a neck sprain you cracked your skull open on the dashboard while the steering column was severing your spine, don't ask your insurance company to pay out.  That's what a wuss would do.  You aren't a wuss- you proved that by refusing to wear a seat belt, remember?

I just don't get this Altima Ad at all

What exactly is it about this car that the rubes taking the test drive find so amazing?  All we see it do is drive fast around a track after being disguised as a race car.  Why do I get the strong suspicion that these tools just got taken in by the bunting and the race track and the helmets and somehow conned themselves into believing that they were experiencing something extraordinary?

And then, when it was revealed to them that they were shrieking and getting off on riding around in a freaking Nissan, instead of just admitting that they were fooled, decided to cover up by pretending that this was some kind of super awesome amazing experience OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS AWESOME CAR IS A NISSAN NO SHIT THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN?

I mean, come on.  It's a freaking Nissan.  You people are easily fooled, and you got carried away by the shiny crap.  Own it.  Suckers.

"God's Not Dead"- and neither are blatant straw men, or bad movies

I'm not going to do a review for this sad pile of muck calling itself a film- that's been done, and very well, by others already.  I'll just point out a few things that really ticked me off about this junk, which I was forced to watch by a "friend" the other night-

1.  Kevin Sorbo's philosophy professor character starts off by demanding that his class write "God Is Dead' on a piece of paper as a prerequisite to a passing grade.  I don't care what school this is supposed to be- in the real world* this gets you canned, fast.  Plus, only ONE kid in what looks to be a class of at least twenty refuses to instantly obey the teacher's commands.  Come on- I get that the producers are trying to convince us that America is filled with Basically Heathen Spoiled Rotten On Their Way To Hell Only Interested In Drugs And Sex Kids, but in real life the population of that class would consist of

.....Other Christians as shocked and defiant as the star,

.....Jews and Muslims equally horrified at the command and determined not to obey, and

.....Students who realize that they didn't shell out thousands of dollars in tuition to be told what to believe by a philosophy professor (seriously, what does this have to do with philosophy?)  In six years of Undergraduate and Graduate study in private and state Universities, I've never met a student who would  write "God is Dead" just because a teacher told him to.  Personally, I'd protest, and if that failed to achieve the desired result, I'd be having a discussion with the Dean of Students within the hour.  I mean, come on.

2.  Kevin Sorbo's character seems perfectly willing to toss out the class curriculum in order to challenge the One Brave Christian Student's belief in God.  At this point, if I hadn't already asked Sorbo to sign my Drop Sheet, I'd be doing that now.  Remember that stuff about not paying thousands of dollars to be told what to believe?  I'm also not paying thousands of dollars to watch an alleged university professor debate the existence of God with one kid instead of, oh, I don't know, TEACHING THE FREAKING CLASS.

3.  Instead of arguing the actual atheistic position on God- that "God exists" is a positive claim that is not supported by sufficient evidence- Sorbo's "Professor Radisson" repeatedly hides behind the Argument from Authority, ranting how unbelievable it is to him that a "mere Freshman" would question "great minds" like Stephen Hawking- if Hawking is an atheist, how could a Freshman argue for the existence of God?  I mean, come on- it's this pimply nobody v. Stephen Hawking!  Of course, this is shameless projection- it's actually Christians who commonly claim that arguing against the 1500-year old Bible- not to mention all these well-respected political leaders and scientists- is the height of absurdity (Albert Einstein believed in God, who are YOU to disagree?  You think you are smarter than Einstein?)

4.  In one of the most painfully insulting "debate" climaxes in cinematic history, Professor Raddison falls into the trap of admitting he DOES believe in God, because he blames God for letting his mother die of cancer. You know, WTF-ever, movie.  This guy is supposed to be a professor?  Professors generally don't get bent out of shape and flustered and raving during debates.  That's what Christians do when their belief system is threatened by science- not the other way around.

5.  I am not even going to get to the Duck Dynasty and some Christian rock band product placement.  My friend knows who these people are.  I don't- nor do I care.

*I'll wrap up by quoting an excellent review I read shortly after viewing this film- "God's Not Dead is a film by Christians which portrays the world Christians wish they lived in- a world in which they are a brave, downtrodden but not defeated minority, defending the One True Faith against the Atheistic Majority and their science-worshiping materialism.  Not the world they actually live in, which is dominated by people who think exactly the way they do, and it's the atheists who struggle to have their voice heard."   And by forgiving the person who made me watch this (next time, I get to pick the movie.  I still haven't seen Divergent.)

Hey, Cool Moms? Your lives are really, really sad

Wow.  Just....wow.

These women are so pathetic, so sad, I would feel bad snarking on them if they were real and not just actresses.  So instead I'll just shake my head at the knowledge that there really are women out there whose self-image and reason for being revolves around looking "cool" for their kids.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- I can't help wondering if such women ever wanted more out of life than to pop out kids and clean up after them and hand them juice boxes until they moved out of the house.  Sponge-brained, witless, ambition-less handmaidens for the Men Who Bought Them The House and the Kids Who Were Part of the Deal.  Ugh.

OH BS, Choice Hotels! I TOTALLY call BS!

Ok, a few points of full disclosure.  First, I don't run marathons.  But I have friends and relatives who have, and I've been there to support them, so I think I can speak to this ad.

Second, while I don't run marathons, I do walk them.  I've walked more than twenty miles at a stretch on more than thirty occasions over the past year, and a few weeks ago I hit 35 miles in a little over 9 hours.  I have a pretty good idea what it feels like to cover a long distance on one's feet over the course of a single day.

So, Choice Hotels?  Don't try to tell me that the woman who crosses the finish line at the end of this ad just ran 26.2 miles, ok? Jesus, she's not straining, she doesn't look the slightest bit dehydrated, she's not breaking a sweat- hell, she isn't even BREATHING heavy!  Cut the freaking crap, ok?

Next time you want to make an ad like this, at least make the woman look like she's actually done something more strenuous than watch an episode of Breaking Bad on her Kindle Fire, ok?  Because this-- this doesn't work.  At ALL.

Wow, finally something for the terminally klutzy among us!

Ok, I can't really say anything too snarky about this commercial, because it kind of cute and if the product works at all as-advertised, it's probably a pretty useful thing to have around if you are one of those people who insisted on producing copies of yourself who tend to run around spilling liquids out of ordinary Not-Wow cups.

Still, I would have appreciated a "Do Not Attempt" disclaimer with the scene featuring the Wow Cup being shaken over "this expensive laptop."  Because really, you don't want to be doing that, and you don't want to try doing that just because The Commercial Told You You Could.*  I mean, show a little common sense, ok?

I'm also glad that this ad generally sticks to showing kids using the Advanced Sippy Cup.  Maybe a more recent Wow Cup commercial shows idiot adults sparing their expensive electronics and furniture by using it, but this one is reasonable because we all know that the only thing kids love more than drinking is spilling.  Not quite sure why that one kid needs to be guzzling liquids while sitting in church with his mom, though- does he have some form of terminal dry throat, or what?

*We are twice told that this cup is great for Flying Through Space.  Well, that's nice, and I'd totally encourage any kid to give it a shot.  I'd like a physicist to tell me if the liquid would actually spill from an ordinary cup in space, though.  On second thought, no I wouldn't.

My Life, if you can call it that

Somewhere along the line, this douchenozzle got the idea that His Life should be devoted to being able to capture everyone else's life on his phone.

Now that he has a waterproof Samsung S5 or whatever the hell version is the Must Have Phone This Month, he can whip out his best friend and take pictures and video of total strangers actually doing things which, what do you know, don't actually involve using phones.  We aren't shown what he plans to do with all these photos and videos of total strangers (though we can guess it involves something to do with "sharing") and we really don't care.  We are way too busy wanting to punch that Smug For Absolutely No Reason At All look off his stupid face to ponder stuff like that.

How to really show "appreciation" for those who serve

Quick hint: It's not by exploiting them by broadcasting manipulative images of returning service members being reunited with their kids, moments which you'd think would be considered too private and personal to be placed in an advertisement- or at least, you'd think that if you hadn't turned on a tv at any time over the last thirty years.

Nor is it by allowing them to board planes before everyone else (seriously, I've never understood the advantage.  Why would anyone want to board a plane first?  All that means is that you get to sit in a cramped metal coffin breathing recirculated air longer.  How about letting them OFF first?  I've never seen this offered.)

I can think of three much better ways to show appreciation for our service men and women during "Service Appreciation Month" (gag, come on.  EVERY MONTH SHOULD BE SERVICE APPRECIATION MONTH YOU JAGOFFS.)

First, well, reread the opening paragraph of this post.  Stop using them to sell your crappy products, you cold-blooded, hypocritical, money-grubbing scum-sucking maggots.

Second, fund and operate the VA properly.  The treatment we give our wounded warriors is just short of scandalous- and I'm not just talking about those who return with broken or missing limbs or other traumatic physical damage.  We've done a great job denying the psychological damage caused by warfare in order to squeeze a nickle a little tighter.  If we really give a damn, this will stop.  Support the troops?  Fuck the deal on a new Chevy.  Heal them.

Third, let's stop putting men and women in harm's way at the drop of a hat, as a first resort, Just Because We Can.  We spent forty years throwing American blood and treasure all over the planet to protect the god-given right of US Corporations to sell soda and salty snacks in Asia, and we've spent the past thirty tossing our boys and girls into the meat grinder to keep our sacred high living standard supported with cheap oil (and not, say, reasonable tax rates for the rich.)  How about we show our support for Our Troops by, I don't know, just BRINGING THEM THE FUCK HOME and letting someone else be the Big Brother/Policeman of the world for a century or so?  Just a thought.

Thanks to Taco Bell, I don't think we really have to worry about the next generation

Just because we are the Fattest Nation on Earth doesn't mean that we should take that status for granted and stop looking for new ways to kill ourselves with food, right?

The old guys in this ad are concerned with a "slippery slope," but their priorities are really messed up.  Personally, the "slippery slope" I see coming from consuming sausage, eggs and maple syrup wrapped in waffles is sweating, shortness of breath, high blood pressure, obesity, heart disease, and death.  These guys are worried about- pony tails?  Really?

What do you call the Brady Bunch in a Blender? A good start?

Not only will I not see this film, but I'm pretty sure I'll make an active effort to avoid any theater showing it.  Or the block that theater is on.  Or the town.  Or the county.  Hell, I think I'll just leave the country during it's run.

As near as I can tell, it stars Aging Before She Ever Really Got A Chance To Be Meg Ryan "comedienne" Drew Barrymore (who at least isn't playing Barely Out of High School love interests anymore) and "comedian" Still Stuck in the Happy Gilmore Phase of His Career Adam Sandler (remember when you thought he was kind of amusing on SNL?)  As near as I can tell, they have one total fail disgusting date in which things Not Funny To Anyone Over The Age Of Eight (yep, it's an Adam Sandler vehicle all right) happen.  And as near as I can tell, this leads to a Comedy of Errors which, like the Shakespeare play, isn't even remotely funny.

Oh, and there's a trip to Africa thrown in so we can do the whole "Time Share" joke and throw in a little blatant racism too, because who doesn't think blatant racism is funny?

Along the way we are going to get a lot of Sassy Smart-ass kids jokes, a lot of fart jokes, a lot of belching, some vomiting, and a general buffet of toilet humor.  And when it's all over, Sandler's character and Barrymore's character will realize that They Belong Together.  How do I know this?  No, not from the trailer, which is helpful enough to guide us through the plot twists (otherwise known as the times the screen writer found himself in a corner and decided to start all over again- but keep the previously written scenes intact) pretty much through to the end.  I know this because I wasn't born yesterday, and I know a Formula when I see one.   Anyone who doesn't know EXACTLY how this crud is going to wrap up inherited the scarecrow's brain of oatmeal and needles.

Oh, and we can also assume that this film will make roughly twice it's budget, 90 percent of which covers the salaries of it's- ahem- "stars."  Just enough to assure a sequel, god help us all.   Not that the lack of a sequel would be much of a comfort- we are certain to see another 100 or so films with the exact same story line regardless of whether its title includes a Roman Numeral.

Please, just kill me now

If I had died yesterday, I would have been spared this commercial.

Why, god, Why?

As in, "why are these people watching some stupid, brain-dead yak show during breakfast?"

As in, "do the makers of shredded wheat understand the elderly at all? If so, why are they depicting them eating breakfast in the middle of the morning, instead of the break of dawn?"  Everyone knows that people this woman's age eat breakfast at 6, lunch at 11 and dinner at 4, and are under the covers by 7, tops.

As in, "who on Earth thought it would be fun and a great idea to inflict upon the viewing audience the concept that this woman wants so badly to engage in sexual activity that she's extra-eager to shove shredded wheat down her gullet?"  What is she trying to accomplish here?  If her sex drive is about to experience an upturn anyway, why does she need shredded wheat?

And by the way, who the hell is in the audience of this talk show, hooting and hollering at the idea of seniors having sex?  Where do they find these people?

And when you've finished off your Wendy's Monsterburger, here's a desert idea....

This woman's desperate attempt to be for Dairy Queen what that bubbly redhead is for Wendy's is one, big colossal fail.  She approaches that other idiot in being an over-the-top annoying jagoff we'd like to bludgeon to death with a rubber sledgehammer, but that's about it.

Oh, and cake and ice cream in a waffle cone-- sounds good, but like the Wendy's girl, isn't she just being part of the problem here?

Happy International Workers Day!

The fortune teller in this ad sees "a lot of people losing their jobs" if Obama gets his "minimum wage hike."  I wonder if she predicted this every time a raise in the minimum wage has been discussed.  No, I doubt it- after all, considering that every minimum wage increase has lead to a rise in demand and corresponding drop in the Unemployment Rate, wouldn't those predictions have exposed her as a fraud and cost her her "business" by now?

Raising the minimum wage does not cost jobs.  Nor does it create inflation.  That's because the cost of labor is only one small part of the cost of doing business.  If you listen to Fox "News" or Sean Hannity, it's easy to get the impression that raising the wage of a burger-flipper at McDonalds from $6.75 to $10.50 per hour will force an end to the Dollar Menu, but it just ain't so.  Prices are set to Demand far more than to labor costs- and if you pay people more money, that creates more demand.  Maybe it becomes the $1.15 Menu.  Guess what?  If everyone making minimum wage gets a 30 percent raise, McDonalds will be selling a lot more items from that $1.25 menu than they are selling from the Dollar Menu.  This is not rocket science.

But it does require that we set aside the sad, ahistorical conceit that businesses always pay people exactly what they are worth, and that increased productivity will result in increased pay.  Two problems with this.  First, there is exactly as much evidence that it's true as there is that raising the minimum wage results in higher unemployment rates.  In fact, the opposite is true- the productivity of the American worker has increased dramatically over the past thirty years, while wages have remained stagnant (and profits have skyrocketed.)

Second, we are never told exactly WHY any business would raise wages unless it's forced to- especially during a prolonged period of high unemployment.  Out of the goodness of their hearts (they are people, after all?)

And no, I'm not even going to touch on the fortune teller's "remember I told you about the Health Care website?" snark.  That's just Rich Americans Determined To Use Your Ignorance Against You's cheap throw-away add-on line.  Heck, they have to get their money's worth for this crud, right?

So anyway- Happy May 1 for all of my fellow laborers out there, including those who actually buy messages like the one pimped in this ad and wonder how they could do Just A Little More to coax a few extra crumbs from the boss's table.   Special shout out to you guys, though I know you've been too brainwashed by the Right to get it:  It's not you.  You are working very, very hard for very little money not because of anything you failed to do, but because you are working for a race of cold-blooded lizards from another galaxy disguised as humans who are devoted to the goal of draining every ounce of life out of you for their own benefit.  You aren't lazy, and you aren't stupid.  You just got the bad end of a very raw deal.  You work, you suffer, you struggle to make ends meet- and they get rich off your sweat.

It has always been thus- but that doesn't mean it will always BE thus.  Let's lift our beers and toast the promise of the new day coming- the day when every laborer receives a fair share of the wealth his labor creates, not as a gift, but as a right.   May we all live to see it.