If you can't beat the Zombies, join the Zombies?

Yes, I suppose that if you don't understand the tv-addled morons who bleat lines from the shows they are sadly devoted to, you might feel a little "left out."  Of course, it's kind of like being left out of a group's drug addiction (actually, it's exactly like that,) but if you absolutely must be a part of the crowd, then by all means get Xfinity and devote every spare moment of your life catching up on all the brainless crap your co-workers are watching.

Or, just do what I do- shrug and move on, confident that the fresh air, sunshine, exercise, books and friends who "deprive" you of time to turn your brain into pudding watching all this crud as your eyes burn out of your head is a fair exchange for witless, violent junk, even if it means you don't always know what your stupid, time-sucking coworkers are talking about.   Your choice.

The most depressing pool party ever

There is so much wrong and sad here, it's almost impossible to know where to start.  I really should get paid for this gig- but doing work I'm not paid for is kind of a way of life for me anyway, so....

This festive-looking gathering is one kid's graduation party, being hosted at his house by his parents.  The kid has a lot of pretty, racially diverse friends who have shown up because it's a good setting to talk about and demonstrate their phones and after all Hey There's a Pool to sit around.  He has more friends than these though because he and his guests keep getting texts from people who are NOT there- one even asks "hey, what's up?"  (I suppose the reply will be "I'm at my own graduation party, kind of awkward to let you know you weren't on the invite list.")

His dad can't be Typical TV Dad Stupid- he has to ramp it up a notch by claiming he can smell the picture of ribs that his son just took (doesn't occur to dad that what he smells is the ribs he is cooking, which are directly under his nose, oh no....)  Naturally, Mom is there to let Dad know what a clueless jackass he's being.  Of course.

Mom and Dad seem to be seeing their son's phone for the first time- I guess he paid for it himself at least- um, right?  Oh, who am I kidding.  Mom and Dad paid for the phone- they just don't know anything about it because Newly Minted Graduate Son picked it out, they just paid for it and continue to pay for it.

Now that I think of it, this isn't a party at all-just  a gathering of people who want to compare phones which quickly devolves into two camps- those who have this Cool New Phone Which Will Be Ancient Crap Next Summer and people who still have Last Summer's Cool New Phone Which Is Ancient Crap Now.  If I showed up with my LG Xpression, which I believe was the Must Have Phone of February 2011, I probably wouldn't even be allowed in.  And if I mentioned I didn't have a phone or didn't bring it with me?  They'd look at me like I was Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.  No phone?  How do I watch tv?  How did I FIND the party?  How do I breathe?

Well, I didn't know how to start this critique, but I sure know how to end it.  All the people in this ad need to die and end their worthless lives right now.  Sometimes "harsh" and "true" are the same things.

Subaru gets Love wrong. Again.

I guess this is supposed to be a Dad trying to connect with his Son, but it's so devoid of human emotion, it feels a lot more like Mom's New Boyfriend trying to connect to Her Kid to me.

Dad's being a total fail here on so many levels.  First of all, why is the kid in the back seat?  So Dad can keep his distance, reminding himself that the kid is there now and then by glancing into the rear view mirror?  Are Subarus so unsafe that it's not recommended kids ride in front?  What the hell?

Secondly, there's no dialogue between the two at all.  Dad seems to think that all he has to do is show the kid a few disconnected objects- a tree, a view- no need to let the kid know WHY he's showing these things.  Why is this tree so important?  Because it's big?  What ABOUT the view?  Is it supposed to inspire?  Why isn't Dad doing any instructing or explaining or just plain SHARING?  I don't blame the kid for not responding- he has no idea what this is all about.  So he takes refuge in his cell phone, as if he is alone in on this journey- because he might as well be.

The father finally- accidentally- discovers something the kid likes- Bison.  So he does something right- he brings the kid to see more bison.  Cool.  Does this lead to a discussion of bison including what other animals they are related to, or what they eat, or how they were hunted almost to extinction 120 years ago?  That would be great.  Considering that all we see at the end of the ad is the two mutes staring at a herd, why do I doubt this?

Maybe Subaru should just drop this "Love" ad campaign.  They don't seem to know what the word means beyond "Love means using your Subaru to do stuff."  And they don't even know how to illustrate THAT meme very well.  At all.

Snickers Halloween Ad: Because being clever and different is so very, very wrong

In real life, a "Horseless Headsman" is a really brilliant, out-of-the-box idea, and if this costume was actually possible to make in a non-CGI world the kid who pulled it off would be praised as a genius.

In Reel Life, the other kids sneer at the "Horseless Headsman" and assume it's a stupid mistake because hey, we all know what a "Headless Horseman" is- we've all seen someone go to a Halloween Party or trick-or-treating dressed as him, it's pretty standard, it's as imaginative as a vampire or a ghost, so that's obviously what the kid Was Supposed To Be because thinking outside the box is way uncool.

Personally, I'll take the Horseless Headsman kid and reject the one who thinks Oh Wait You're Right I Wanted To Do This According To Script.  Because, you know, it's actually pretty clever.

Well, at least there's no mystery as to where the Snickers bar came from.  I just wonder why the Horseless Headsman kid would be hungry- I'd think with a costume like that, he'd be collecting a lot of candy from adults who can appreciate imagination and are willing to reward it.

Well, AT&T, you really had me going for a few seconds there!

For about the first fifteen seconds of this ad, I thought I might actually be watching a commercial for cell phones or data sharing or some other 21st century thing I don't really understand or want to understand that I actually liked, because it featured kids doing something approaching Cool which required something approaching Skill instead of the usual brain-dead texting and movie-viewing crud we expect to see in commercials for cell phones or data sharing.

Those first fifteen seconds were not only Not Horrible, but actually pretty entertaining and fun.  I could even ignore the fact that these kids were splayed on furniture while the sun streamed in from the window- something my parents would not have tolerated.  Can't have everything, after all.

But then of course AT&T had to remind me that I was watching a commercial, which meant that the kids HAD to end up acting like spoiled, disrespectful, unappreciative assholes to their father who provided all this, and that Dad had to end up being portrayed as a clueless, About As Uncool As Even Dad Can Get buttinksy who needs to get back into the kitchen and finish cooking the kids dinner instead of trying to be a part of their lives with his lame-ass non-electronic music Thank Goodness None Of Our Friends Were Here To See This OMIGD I Would Rather Die.

Nice save, AT&T.  Just make sure nobody ever edits this ad- you wouldn't want anyone to be left with the impression that kids can just have fun with your overpriced, stupid gadgets without sneering at Dad too.  That would be just awful.

Another take on this awful Buick commercial

In another version of this ad,* we see the spoiled Suburban princess actually spying on the Garcias using a pair of binoculars as she drools over their new Buick- "Looks like the Garcias have a new car."

"Good for the him" her husband intones.

"Good for her" she replies.  Yeah, because living in this f---ing palace with freaking gold gates isn't good enough for you- now you want a new Buick, too.  I know that everyone in TV land lives like this- but why does every commercial have to pretend that everyone in REAL LIFE occupies massive palaces in gated communities?

The Garcias live in a gilded cage- good for them.  Both of them.  Except, they have neighbors who stand at their windows and evaluate them through binoculars.  I'm not sure it's worth it.

*When I find the "Good For Her" version of this ad on YouTube, I'll replace it here.  But you've all seen it.

Like the commercial, hate the website

Is there a more depressing site on the web than weather.com?  It's not the weather- I expect it's usually accurate as weather forecasting sites go.  It's the little stories that the site is always asking us to click on.  Man, they are downers- "This woman died on her honeymoon," "Child's Final Tragic Moments," "Horror at Beach House- You Won't Believe It..."

I mean, what the hell?  Why is Weather.com always trying to tickle our Morbid bone?  I go to the site to see if I need an umbrella, not to find out if a blonde girl has been abducted and beheaded (yes, she has) or if a guy has been killed by a freak tidal wave (yes, he has.)  This other crap?  I'd rather read about the One Trick To Cut Your Car Insurance If You Live In Maryland (what a coincidence- I do!) or Why Doctors Hate This Man or Why The IRS Hates This Man (same man?  Don't know...)

Either way, this potato chip ad is a painful experience

When I saw this ad on American television, I had no idea it had been made in Australia.   Didn't find that out until I looked for it on YouTube.  Since YouTube never, ever lies, I guess it really was made in Australia.  Still, I can totally understand why Lays thought it would work very well here in the States.

It seems like an American commercial, because the kid is being an absolute nasty ass for no reason whatsoever (unless "because she can" counts as a reason.)  She can see that the creep across from her is hungry, or at least so stoned that he can't tear his eyes away from her potato chip, and her response is to tease him with it.  Not give him a chip, not change seats, not tell him to act like an actual grown-up and use his voice or to stop staring at a little girl he doesn't know and her snacks- just to act like a jerk.  Yep, totally American.

But you can tell it's Australian because it features a commuter train which looks like it might actually be somewhat comfortable, and which seems to be traveling at a reasonably fast speed.  Comfortable, High-Speed Commuter Rail?  That's about as Un-American as it gets.

Not trying to scare anyone here, but....

When you watch this commercial, just imagine this:

Some people think that this ad is LOL funny.  And some of those same people buy car insurance.  Which means that they are actually on the road, operating heavy machinery which sometimes travels at high speed.  Sometimes on the very same road you are driving on.

And they think this ad is LOL funny.

Sorry if that freaks you out.  But I felt I had to say something.

Completing the KFC "Couchgating" Commercial

Turns out this wasn't a one-year deal; nope, KFC loved it's "Couchgating" bit so much that they brought it back for the 2014 NFL season.  Isn't that awesome?  But they didn't have time to tell the audience EVERYTHING that is necessary for a legitimate "couchgating" party, so I thought I'd lend a hand.  Here's what they left out:

1.  Magic KFC Bucket:  This is the bucket of chicken which not only remains full, but is always Overloaded, no matter how many people already have pieces of chicken in their hands or on a plate.  Note that in each scene in this ad, there are chicken parts everywhere, yet every bucket is spilling over with chicken.  Because KFC doesn't actually overload it's buckets (they actually come with white lids which hide the fact that the pieces are smaller and darker than they appear on tv) you will need at least two to pull off this effect at your Couchgating party.  I suggest three- that way you can  give everyone a piece from the first bucket, then add the leftovers to the other two to make them look like they are bursting with chicken goodness.   To keep the illusion going, refuse to allow your guests another piece.  Their hearts will thank you later.

2.  Ethnically and Sexually Diverse Guest List.  This is really important.  It's not at all necessary to have an equal number of men and women- you can have only two women, as long as one is an African-American.  And just one African-American guy is fine.  If possible, include a person of Uncertain Ethnicity to cover any questionable moments.

3.  Totally tasteless friends who will eat anything: This is an absolute must.  After all, you are serving up maybe $50 worth of greasy, mass-produced chicken- it would be a real shame if it went uneaten, except that it would keep those buckets filled.

4.  Lots and lots of wet-wipes.  The last time I ate at KFC (about twenty years ago) these were provided- but dont' take any chances.  I suggest you lay in a large supply yourself; I think 20 per person would be a good rule of thumb.  That is, unless you WANT chicken grease all over your couch and furniture as a reminder of that Sexually and Racially Diverse crowd you inexplicably invited into your house to eat poisonous fried junk for three hours.

Oh F-Off, Lexus

From the lack of smiling, I can figure that the message of the commercial is clearly NOT that owning a Lexus F Series LookAtMeMobile will make you happy.  I guess I have to give Lexus a little credit for being the very first car company ever to produce a commercial which does not suggest Buy This= Joy.

On the other hand, we see a lot of  sneering.  We also see one guy in particular who looks like he's going to to boil over in rage at having to wait for a Not-Lexus train pass before he can continue to race along wet roads at high speeds in a mad effort to overcompensate for- something or another.   (The GALL of that train to be in his way- I bet it's not even TRANSPORTING Lexuses.  May even be filled with non Lexus-owning lesser people!)

Maybe it's the same guy later who lives for Stop Signs and Red Lights so he can peal out and let everyone within half a mile or so know that he was at that Stop Sign or Red Light?   And then roar through city streets at roughly 50 MPH (like everyone else in car commercials?)

But what we see most of all is coveting.  Pretty people living Pretty lives stopping and staring and drooling at Pretty cars as they go about doing their Pretty things in Pretty places with their Pretty friends.  We get the impression that each one of them is more than capable of buing a Lexus F Series and the only reason they haven't already is because they weren't aware these wonderful life-affirming things existed, were right there, waiting to make their Already Amazing Existence even more Amazing.  Warms the heart. Or makes you really, really sick.  One of those.

Because dad's brain is now a turnip, apparently

Your car is now a Hot Spot.  Well, thank goodness- because actually planning ahead was soooo exhausting and burned soooo many brain cells.  Now, thanks to the new Chevrolet (and your internet-addled kids) you can do all your planning and decision-making on the run, and you never have to put any advanced thought into anything at all!  This is even better than that OnStar "how may I kiss your ass today, sir?" Operator At Your Beck and Call service, because it doesn't cost you a monthly fee (or does it?

Meanwhile, those of us who can't afford this car will just have to keep our lives organized in order to keep people from discovering that we are flightly, thoughtless, forgetful nuggets of self-asorption too stupid to remember important stuff.  Clearly we will be in the minority soon, as dependence on electronic devices to get us out of the freaking house in one piece will be the norm before the end of next year, if it isn't already.

BTW, why was it so important for the kid in the back to complete whatever arrangements she was making before Mommy got back into the car- it's not like Mommy was going to ask what they were doing.*  The point of arming your kids with these stupid toys is so you DON'T have to engage with them.  Suddenly DVD players in the car seem quaint- how did that happen so fast?

Oh, and check out the-- umm, "comments" the YouTubers left- eighty percent of them are by sniveling little corporate brown-nosers bleating the title of the commercial.  Good job, doggies.  Here's a biscuit- just jump a little higher for the boss!

*"You guys ever going to put those down?"

No Answer.

Mom smiles helplessly and forgets even asking eight seconds later.  And why not- YOU'RE the reason they HAVE those things, stupid!

What are the Logistics of a Mass Slaying? Because this commercial badly needs one. Now.

If you don't want to beat each and every one of these self-important, self-satisfied jackasses to death by the third "great," you are far, far better person than I am.  And if you don't want to toss the "I love Logistics" guy out the window while yelling "I Love Gravity!", well, you just lack my imagination.

If we can't have any of those things happen, and it's also too much to ask that a meteorite vaporize this building five seconds after this meeting of the no-minds ends, how about a sequel revealing that the start-up was a collossal failure and these adorable perky young people are now being adorable and perky in their mom's basements and in dumpsters behind Burger King?

I mean, instead of the actual sequel we've got running now, which is exactly the same except that the word "great" has been replaced by "awesome" (seriously, that's the only difference.  One word.  Repeated six times.  Know what a killer tornado would be right about now? Awesome.)

This commercial explains so much about my life

Obviously, the reason I don't have crowds of pretty young people in my house for spontaneous parties is because I lack decent coverage for my phone.  Now I feel bad- how many nights was I just sitting there at home, reading or watching tv, totally oblivious to the fact that between six and twenty good-looking partiers were standing right outside my door desperately trying to reach me on my phone to let me know that they were there waiting to gain entrance to my abode for a night of laughter, dancing, and watching me take more calls on my phone?

Now, I know what you're thinking- "hey, John, they could have just knocked."  To which I reply, no they couldn't, because that's not what the hip young people qualified to be my friends do nowadays.  Knocking is soooooo old school.  What are you, forty or something?  It's all about the connectivity, man.

Now, I know what you're thinking- "Um, ok, John- but you don't have a basement.  You've got the top level of a duplex.  Kind of hard to see how they couldn't reach you from your door 20 feet away..."  To which I reply, "shut up, that's why."

Watching this commercial with the sound off...did I get the message right?

Jill sits in the coffee shop ruminating over a cup of java and her own fleeting youth, wondering what she's going to do when she reaches the age at which people who actually have jobs "retire."

She makes a decision: She's going to try to seduce that nice young broker whose office she's been passing pretty much every day.  She gets up and leaves the coffee shop, passing that creepy stalker guy who is always sitting at the table near the door trying to make eye contact and drawing sketches that are almost certainly destined to be Exhibit A in the trial which takes place six months after her mysterious dissapearence.

Anyway, she waited too long to go after the broker guy- he's really not interested in this woman who is at least ten years older than he is besides being an obviously broke goldigger- but her visit isn't a total loss, because he casually mentions that she goes to the same coffee shop as one of his best clients, a scruffy weirdo who obsessively sketches portraits of his future victims- errrr, soulmates- as he drinks his coffee, in no hurry to get to an office because he's got more money than Mitt Romney.

With dollar signs in her eyes, Jill saunters back to her regular table at the coffee shop, and this time makes eye contact with Sleazy Creep But Hey The Clock Is Ticking And He's Got Money at the table next to the door.  Next thing you know, they are walking out the door together.  Happy Ending, right? Well, yeah probably, unless you are a morbid weirdo like me.

So....how'd I do?  Close?

Derek Jeter's retired. There are playoffs to be watched and enjoyed. Let's all just move on please.

Because MLB and Gatorade aren't quite satisfied with the six-month Derek Jeter wankfest that was the 2014 baseball season, we are being subjected to this ridiculous sloppy kiss Valentine featuring everyone's favorite Aw Shucks I'm Just a Ballplayer I Don't Deserve or Want all this Attention retiring New York Yankee.

No, not Mariano Rivera.  That was 2013's I"m Saying Goodbye Before The Season Starts But Gosh I Hope You Don't Make a Fuss ridiculously dragged out forced lovefest, featuring almost daily lectures from every color commentator in baseball that If We Aren't Eternally Grateful That We Had The Opportunity To Breathe the Same Air As These Legends There Is Something Seriously Wrong With Us.  But the message was not lost on the Most Humble Man Ever to Don a Uniform and Just Want to Play Baseball Please Don't Make a Big Deal of it.

This year it was Derek Jeter's turn to casually announce his retirement during spring training Just in Case Some Teams I Don't Know Maybe Want to Do Something Special Just Sayin'.  This year we had another Unassuming Humble Yankee spending month after month reluctantly participating in pregame ceremonies including gaudy gifts which wasted everybody's time and delayed starts.  And we got one tribute after another from teary-eyed ESPN yakkers who couldn't stop reminding us what an incredible human being Jeter was because all he did was go out every day and play ball for more money in a month than most of us will make in our lifetimes, gosh what a champion on and OFF the field.

And all because MLB and Gatorade flatly refuse to understand the concept that Derek Jeter was a beloved player in exactly one city, to exactly one fan base.  Just because the bland, nonpartisan morons at MLB and Gatorade think that Jeter was just adored by all baseball fans doesn't make it so.  As a Red Sox fan, I don't expect anyone but Red Sox fans to wish David Ortiz a fond farewell when he exits the stage.  But somehow, I was supposed to love Jeter because I love baseball?  To hell with that.

And since the Laws of God and Nature have been brutally violated and we aren't permitted to witness His Greatness during the playoffs this season (despite Bud Selig's Operation Red Sox And Yankees in the Playoffs Every Year rigging- note to successor- maybe we need a few more Wild Card spots?) we'll just have to be happy with these nauseating commercials.  Or hit the mute button, fast.  Gag.

And here's the worst part- there are a whole SERIES of these Dodge Dart ads!

These aren't commercial satires.  These are actual commercials.  You know, put together by a company that actually wants you to buy it's product, and not grab a gun, head to the advertising agency that produced this, and kill everyone in the building you can find until the police show up and put you out of your misery.

And all for a Dodge Dart.  That's right, a Dodge Dart.  A $15,000, $199 per month piece of crap Dodge Dart.  You've got to be kidding me, right?

Nope.  This neighbor really, really wants to touch this other neighbor's Dodge Dart- and the other neighbor "won't let him" (personally, if I were a major nutcase like Neighbor #1, I wouldn't be waiting for "permission" to touch his garbage car.  I'd just touch the damn car and ask what the hell he planned to do about it.   But if I were a major nutcase like Neighbor #1, I'd be a really, really sad human being, and the very thought is sending me into a spiral of depression so I'd better stop right now.

If I were Neighbor #2, I'd wonder what horrible turn my life took where I'm so proud of being the owner of a freaking Dodge Dart in the first place.  Because he might be even sadder than Neighbor #1.  Well, ok, he's not- but it's closer than it has any right to be.

If I had money, I'd start hoarding diet soda, because I suspect that it's going away....

There are days when I think that I really don't have enough friends.  Then I watch commercials like these and think "If I had more friends, they might be like this."  And then I realize, I have plenty of friends, and attempting to expand my base of friends is just too risky.

As to this commercial- I don't get the logic being used here.  "If you can pack this much drama into ten seconds, then yes we can pack this much flavor into ten calories...?" Huh?  I like Diet 7 Up.  I think it's always had one calorie.  I can't see how adding another 9 calories is going to add a lot of flavor, or why I'd want a lot more flavor anyway.  Come to think of it, I like Diet Coke too, and that also has one calorie.  I don't like Coke Zero, because it tastes too much like Tab (actually it tastes exactly like Tab, which means it tastes like diet soda tasted back in the 60s, when they didn't know how to make diet soda yet- jeesh, they had chocolate diet soda back then. I can still taste it.)  Isn't my life interesting?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the trend of adding a few calories to Diet Soda- in fact, I should be more surprised that it took so long, since we've been adding fat, salt and sugar to pretty much everything else for decades now.  Portions have been getting bigger, burgers have been getting greasier, and we seem obsessed with finding new places to stick more empty calories.  Double Stuff Oreos seem downright quaint.

So welcome to the show, diet soda.  Why do I suspect that in a few years, the average can will have about 70 calories and will come with a hot buttered biscuit or at least a bag of Fritos?

Warning: This Chevy Ad may be used to induce vomiting

1.  Rugged, unshaven Manly Man who wears a cowboy hat and lives on ranch equipped with barn: Check.

2.  Hokey, cliche'd country music song about lovin' one woman and one dog and one truck and don' what needs to be done and bein' proud to be an Amerikun and shoutin' somethin' or another from the mountainside:  Check.

3.  Shots of sunsets and Real Western Landscapes and Trucks bouncin' along said landscapes and kickin' up dirt:  Check

4.  Generic Hallmark Movie Family sittin' in truck bed starin' over cliff while hokey, cliche'd country music song comes to merciful end:  Check.

5.  More shots of truck haulin' and pullin' with chains 'cause that's what maybe 1 percent of people who actually buy these trucks do with them (the other 99 percent don't haul anything other than kids and groceries and don't maneuver anything more challanging than the speed bumps in front of Hunter's preschool)- Check.

Does the final product look like a Re-Elect Reagan ad from 1984?  Does it look like you could switch out all the dialogue and use it to sell Viagra?  Then you've got yourself a truck commercial, son.  Congratulations.  Go pop yourself a beer an' sit by the fire an' swap stories while gettin' a good scorch on steaks the size of saddle blankets.

Dominos Health Insurance doesn't cover repetitive stress injuries- oh, did we forget to tell you that?

I couldn't find it on YouTube (if I do in the future, I'll replace this clip with the actual ad) but anyone who has watched any football or baseball this fall knows that Dominos is running an ad "celebrating" the fact that one of it's underpaid minions is actually taking pride in the fact that he can give himself carpal tunnel syndrome in the service of his corporate masters (I really like the "pretty good" this guy gets from the choad with the stopwatch- excuse me, iPhone with stopwatch app.  Warms the heart.

Seriously- Advanced Box Folding For The Cameras has become something of a fad for the Dominos ad people, and you can bet they couldn't be happier.  "Look, everybody- our Pizza Artists make minimum wage and work rotating shifts and are learning no skills that will make them more marketable in other endeavors that DO pay better- but check out how fast they can make boxes, ain't it cool?"

Maybe they should ad sound effects- like a whip cracking, or a manager warning "hey, Bob in third shift makes boxes faster than you are-- and he's got a cousin looking for work...just sayin'......"

But in the meantime, let's all "enjoy" watching Dominos employees working for slave wages frantically proving to the Boss that he really doesn't have to invest in that automated box-folding machine 'cause See I Can Go Faster I Promise.   Or rather, you all feel free to enjoy it.  I'll be too busy mourning the death of shame at the hands of Capitalism.  Again.

Which of these ads is more offensive?*

If you were a kid watching the Orioles-Tigers game this afternoon, you were treated to both of these ads, sometimes back-to-back, at least half a dozen times over the course of just about three hours.

I'm no prude, but if I were a dad watching the game with my son, I'd be pretty irritated that I was being compelled to jump for the damn remote if I didn't want my kid being inundated with mental images of guys achieving (or failing to achieve) erections, their drug of choice being Viagra or a LookAtMeMobile.

This kind of crap makes me long for beer and Be A Man Drive A Truck commercials.  Ugh.

*As it turned out, neither of these ads was the most offensive part of TBS' presentation of the playoff game.  That honor goes to it's decision to go right to an episode of American Dad instead of the postgame press conference.  Way to keep it cheap, TBS.  Tools.

Yeah because your life looks so exhausting as it is. ...

I'm going to assume that the guy in this ad who is asking Google* something is at the zoo with his family; how depressing is it that he thinks it would be "the life" to sleep 18-22 hours a day?

I mean, seriously?  You'd actually want to do that?  Low T much?

*To get an answer from Google, do you really have to start by saying "Ok, Google?"  Does that activiate the search engine, or what?  I've said it before and I'll say it again- I really hate this century.

Oh good, 'cause I wasn't dying fast enough!

Not only did I not think that this qualified as "big news," I was actually kind of surprised that Pizza Hut hadn't already been stuffing bacon into the crust.  I mean, it seems a pretty obvious idea to me.

I also don't get why it's a big deal because we've always been able to get pizza with bacon as a topping.  Why is stuffing it into the crust an improvement- all it means is that it's harder to pick out once you remember that Oh My God This Is Poison I Don't Want To Eat This What Was I Thinking?

And I guess I'm supposed to know who the spokeschoad is- this Youtube posting has his name and everything.  But- I don't have a clue.  Oh well, I'll try to feel bad about it later.

(Oh, and I included the Taco Bell "I'm Ronald McDonald" Taco Bell Stuffed Greasy Crap in a Waffle Commercial just in case the first one didn't make you want to punch someone in the face, hard.  No need to thank me.)