I need help with this NFL Commercial

Can someone explain to me why I should give a flying damn about this woman and her Vikings Steelers Giants Whoever family?

I mean, how could this possibly have any impact on me at all?  I'm a Patriots fan who used to be married to a Buffalo Bills fan (I lived in the Buffalo area during the four years in which that team perfected the art of losing the Superbowl, failing by a larger margin each time.)  I rooted for the Bills (the Pats stank at the time) but never became a fan.  My wife remained a big Bills fan.  The rest of my family, and hers?  Couldn't care less.  Because jeeesh- it's football, not a freaking religion.

And it's not like a Red Sox fan marrying a Yankee fan- I mean, that would be too much, of course.

So can someone explain this to me?  Please?

The North Pole would love to provide a health care plan, but the boss's daughter wants a new Lexus, so....

Ok, as near as I can figure it, the guy in this ad (who bears a striking resemblence to Santa Claus) works hard in a brutal sweatshop in some Northern climate (Siberia?) doing work which has become automated in most of the civilized world.  (I'm not actually sure that giant wheels have been turned by humans since the 15th century- outside of a Conan The Barbarian movie, that is.)

Anyway, this fat bearded guy is so ungrateful for the job some benevolent factory owner "gave" him that he's constantly pulling this whiny "oh my poor back" bit, until every other employee on the floor gets it, your back hurts, oh boo hoo Don't You Know There Are People Who Don't Have Any Jobs At All Get Back To Your Wheel.*

Finally, three ghosts visit the factory owner (they find him at his winter palace in Vail) and convince him that he's being too hard on his employees (especially the elderly ones with bad taste in clothes.)  So he decided that yes, it's time to provide a health care plan.  Thus, the bottle of Aleve.

Did I figure this right?

*Are we supposed to find it heartwarming that Santa pops a pill and gets right back to cranking out crap for spoiled kids? I have a better idea for an old man who is doing work which is causing him constant pain- STOP DOING THAT WORK.  And a bottle of Aleve?  F--K THAT!  Fill out a Worker's Comp form and get an attorney!

Even the cute AT&T girl can't save this one

The guy who posted this banal garbage to the internet goes by the name "NoMoreBoredom."  Wow- it didn't take much, did it?  Some jokes just write themselves.

This ad isn't funny.  It's not even remotely amusing.  It's actually head-to-desk rock-stupid and more than a little insulting.  And I may be overreacting here, but I really wish that everyone involved in it's making would just apologize, swear off any career involving cameras, and crawl under a rock.   And die.

Nothing funny here.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.

Audi brings the pain, right on time

Yeah, because the guy who takes the temporary Santa gig at the local mall is SO in the market for a new Audi.  I'm sure the other people in the crowd include your average Starbucks barrista, High School teacher, metro bus driver, and grocery store cashier.  All running down the street, trying to catch up to the truck delivering Audis, so they can be told where to sign away half their monthly take-home pay for the next four years.

Seriously, bite me, Audi.

This guy can date this girl, and I'M going to be alone Saturday night? I'm not buying it, Taco Bell

1.  The girl in this ad is really cute, yet her "new boyfriend" looks like he's just rolled out of a dumpster, wearing the same clothes he put on in October.

2.  Dad sees that New Boyfriend has his hands full, yet offers to shake hands.  Does he expect New Boyfriend to just drop the food on the ground, because

3.  Girl doesn't make any effort to take some of his food so he can shake Dad's hand.  I guess she expects New Boyfriend to drop the food on the ground too?

4. I know this is kind of repetitive, but why is this girl with this guy?  Oh right, I forgot- because guys write these ads.

(oh, BTW- January 1 will mark the sixth anniversary of this blog, and this marks my 1500th post.  Wow, who would have thought there were so MANY bad commercials out there....I really thought I would do this for a week or so and run out of material....)

The greasy stuff does help clear nasal passages a bit. I'll give you that, Vicks

I've always thought that commercials for Nyquil and Dayquil were amongst the most hilarious and dishonest on television.  They always show people looking like they are on their deathbeds, coughing and sneezing and aching, etc.  Then they pop this pill or gag down a cup of this glowing green mostly-alcohol "medicine," and five minutes later they are off fighting fires or directing traffic or taking down terrorists or winning gold medals.  Please.

I mean, come on.  If this Nyquil junk works at all, it's as a sleep aid- I've noticed that if I gulp down half a bottle or so before bedtime, I can pass out pretty quickly and sleep through the night.   When I wake up, I'll have another day of coughing and sneezing and achiness to look forward to- but at least I got some sleep.  That's if I take Nyquil.  If I take Dayquil with my coffee in the morning, I suppose it adds a couple of calories to my breakfast but that's it- I'd call the weirdly transparent little gelcaps a placebo, except that placebos are kind of supposed to make you feel better.  Dayquil doesn't qualify.

So whichever monster pharmaceutical company that produces this stuff?  Please, stop insulting my intelligence.  There's nothing miraculous about the healing powers of alcohol and bad artificial, gag-inducing flavoring.  Thanks for helping me get to sleep, but I'd sooner believe that Saint Blaise medal I found in a box of Cracker Jacks relieved my cold symptoms than this overpriced crap.

Wow- and I thought Flo was just a freakishly bad computer animation!

And it turns out I was wrong- this commercial proves that "Flo" is an actual human being who has not seen the sun since the Clinton Administration but has instead been "starring" in horrible insurance commercials waiting for that Sitcom offer that is apparently never coming.  My bad.

As for the people who are just blown away by the sight of Flo in the Flesh- well, not a whole lot going on in your lives, is there?  Personally, I'd be too busy being grossed out by this fishbelly-white, overexposed weirdo than thrilled to be in the same room with her, as you clearly are.  What the hell is the matter with you people?

And Flo?  Seriously, I'd rather watch a dozen AFLAC Duck Commercials in a row than learn that your contract has been picked up for another season of Progressive Knows How To Beat An Idea To Death Just As Much As Geico.  In other words, you've gone to seed.  A long time ago, actually.

Eat Like That Guy You Know- the one that has Type 2 Diabetes.

I have no idea why, at the end of this ad, we see the apparently athletic, fit White Guy eating disgustingly fatty, salty, totally devoid-of-nutritious value orange chees-y macaroni crud cooked up by the Black Guy From The Food Court.  Or why he was introduced playing with one of those little helicopter toys popular in the trendy electronics stores two years ago and then playing hackeysack like it's 1999.  Simply put, I have no idea what any of this has to do with eating life-shortening sludge.

Or why, if we knew a guy who ate like this, we would want to emulate him.  Any suggestions?

Warning: These Walmart Ads may be used to induce vomiting

I tried to find the brand new one with the grinning idiot who bleats "wait till FRIDAY? That's CRAZY" but it's ok that I didn't- it deserves it's own post anyway.

At first I thought this woman actually said "Thanksgiving HUG" but replayed it again and heard "Hub," which is just a little less horrible, but just barely.  This insane "say goodbye to your family and rush to Walmart before you are finishing digesting your turkey" message is made even worse by the chirpy delight this woman takes in telling us about it.

"We don't want you to miss these 'special events'-- hmm, the whole time I was growing up, 'special events' on Thankgiving meant eating walnuts, then playing touch football, then eating dinner, then watching football and cleaning and basically just enjoying eachother's company.  Then eating desert.

When did "jump into the car and head off to Walmart to push and shove your way through crowds of idiots" become more attractive than any of that?  Oh yeah- around the time society collapsed, I guess.

Hey, it could be worse- you could be one of those people saying goodbye to their families before dawn ON THANKSGIVING in order to make sure the shelves are stocked with Made in China crap so that the heirs of Sam Walton can earn a few more million to toss onto the pile.  If you are one of those Walmart employees, get there extra early and maybe there will be something nice in your store's "Contribute To Your Fellow Employees So They Have Enough To Eat" box.

To all of you on the corporate board at Walmart, from this nobody blogger:  there's a special ring in hell reserved for you loathsome, bloodsucking, soulless toads.  There just HAS to be.

Ameriprise and Tommy Lee Jones aren't speaking to me. Are they speaking to you?

For most of the people in this ad, the answer seems to be "yeah, maybe, if I don't add to the hundreds of thousands I already have in investments, and I don't cut back on the Aspen ski vacations."  I mean, none of these characters look like they are hurting at all.

For me, and for a growing number of Americans, the answer to "will I outlive my money" in retirement is "depends.  If I don't retire, the answer is no.  I won't outlive my money.  I'll just keep working and living off my paycheck until one day I simply don't wake up.  Then I 'win,' right?"

Or it's "no, I won't.  I don't make the salary that would allow me to put enough of it into retirement.  So just like the vast majority of working-class people since the dawn of the industrial age, all I really have to look forward to is work until I can no longer do it, followed by poverty until that day I simply don't wake up."

My question is, what does Tommy Lee Jones and this investment group want me to do about it?  Oh, right- absolutely nothing.  This commercial was not written for me.  It was written for people who have large amounts of disposable income at the end of every month who are spending it on luxuries instead of giving it to this investment group to play with.   Definitely NOT me.

It would be nice if the answer to Mr. Jones' question was something other than "take more of that extra money you have and put it into investments," because that's really not an option for an already huge and growing segment of the population.  How about "let's push Congress to write realistic tax law which shifts the burden to those who can most afford it and takes it off those who can least afford it (and who have been carrying that burden for more than thirty years now?")  How about "let's strengthen and expand Social Security so that it's more like a pension, recognizing that if we are going to have a permanent economy of stagnant wages we are going to have to do more to provide for the people we are denying the ability to save for themselves?"  Or maybe "let's adopt Socialized Medicine in recognition of the fact that the cost of medication is an enormous contributor to poverty in retirement?"

Any of those would be better answers for people who are forced to spend every penny of their paychecks than "invest more."  But I don't know why I expect anything other than this from advertising firms which believe that the answer to "my kids use too much data" is "get this unlimited data plan."  So my only response to Ameriprise's "invest more of what you don't have" advice is "which kidney should I sell?"

The game that crushed a thousand "Friend"ships?

I've personally been forced to "Unfriend" people on Facebook for their refusal to take a hint and stop "inviting" me to play this game, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

It's not the game in particular.  It's that I happen to think that video games are an enormous waste of time and best left in childhood.  No, I do NOT want commentary from "gamers" (cough-losers) insisting that apologize for daring to suggest that spending hours pretending to blow things up and be soldiers and conquer planets is a pathetically sad waste of a life- there are plenty of blogs out there celebrating "gaming" (cough-written by losers-cough) and anyone who wants to piss their lives away playing video games is perfectly free to do so.  I'm entitled to my opinion, you are entitled to yours.  It costs me nothing if you want to spend yours playing with a toy pretending to be someone or something else.  Go for it.

But after the hundredth or so "invite" from people who simply could not comprehend my refusal to respond, enough was enough.  So sorry I dropped your Friends counter a bit.  I wonder if you even noticed, or were to distracted by your idiot game?

"I'm so glad I married you instead of adopting you!"

"She's still the one for you" (because the babysitter won't give you the time of day.)

"And she reminds you every day" (that you live in a shared-property state and you'll lose half your wealth in the settlement if you let your eye wander a little too far.  Sorry, buddy- you bought her, you're keeping her.  Another divorce would just cost a bit too much.)

I know I've done this before- but seriously, could they please make just ONE Cialis commercial which features a guy who WASN'T born during the Kennedy Administration married to a woman who WASN'T born during Carter Administration?

I mean, I guess this is kind of a public service to the women out there- yeah, he's got money, yeah, he can give you a nice house- but guess what?  His libido is going to go long before yours is.  Better talk to your doctor about slipping these pills into his Metamucil- I mean, if you want to keep having sex with him, that is.

And hey, there's still all that money and that nice house.

Kate Upton Not Included

In the end, you've just wasted more of your life playing an intensely childish game in order to justify your purchase of an Android device.

And that part of your life you wasted? Guess what- it ain't coming back.  Sucker.

Yes, Android junkies. You have all the time in the world. And this is what you are doing with it?

1.  Never mind the barely-visible words.  Please, please, please, cellphone-addict losers- do attempt this.  I mean, what could possibly go wrong?  Just make sure I'm not innocently walking along the street below.

2.  It's the easiest thing in the world for me to believe that a person falling to his death from a rooftop would spend the last few moments of his life looking at his cellphone.  Everyone wants to die with their loved ones nearby, after all.

This Nissan Ad gets a rerun, and another invitation to get the hell off my tv

I know I've posted on this horrible commercial already, but after vanishing (unwept and unsung) for several months, it's made a comeback in a big way- like, showing up during Every Freaking Break during Every Freaking College and NFL Football game, and plenty of times during the week as well. I don't know why it happened (other than the standard "G-d hates me" explanation) but I find it very hard to believe it's because of "popular demand."

Because I find it very hard to believe that people really like ads which remind them of the most douchenozzley thing people do with their cars- crank their stereos up and force every neighborhood they drive through to "spread their joy" (share their taste in music, whether we want to or not.)  So if we are sitting in an outdoor cafe, nothing makes us more joyful than dicktards with great sound systems?  How about if we live in a housing project- are we just sitting on our balconies waiting for some jackass to come by blasting 2 seconds of his music as he speeds by the interstate off-ramp which services our hovel?

(Or, far more commonly- if we live in a suburb, and he needs to let us know he's coming from six blocks away by showing off his awesome bass at three o'clock in the morning? Really?)

And is this guy just playing the same damn song over and over again, because sometimes he's on the highway and sometimes he's at stop signs- what the hell is his deal, anyway?

Acura breaks it's own pretention record

The actual product being offered shows up at the 37-second mark of this 60-second ad.  Which is actually not bad considering that T Mobile is currently producing ads which only incidentally show its product in the final three or four seconds of  60-second ads.

But even T Mobile can't manage this level of smothering self-importance.  This is Apple-level over-the-top indulgence.  Maybe the people who built this thing (it's a freaking CAR, for Chrissakes) are overwhelmed by their brilliance, but it's pretty damned obnoxious to expect us to be.  I'd tell Acura to get the hell over itself ("Made for Mankind?"  Then why aren't you giving these things away? Don't you really mean "Made for the One Percent?")  but considering that we are only a few weeks away from the Season of Red Ribbons Around Cars Which Make Great Christmas Gifts If You Have Money Falling Out Of Your Ass, it's hardly worth it.

CVS doesn't sell handguns, either. My world is coming to an end!

I can't even begin to express my disgust at this ad, which tells us everything that is wrong with American consumerism AND American "health" care.  What the HELL are PHARMACIES doing SELLING CIGARS IN THE FIRST PLACE????

"If your Drug Store has stopped stocking your favorite cigars...." GOOD!!!  Drugs are supposed to improve health or at least allieviate suffering.  What the hell do CIGARS have to do with EITHER?

Every time I hear this radio ad- at least a few times a day- I laugh, and then kind of sad.  Then I remember the scene in Michael Moore's Sicko where the director is told that pharmacies in England do not sell cigars, cigarettes- or candy, or potato chips- because hey, it's a pharmacy.  When are we going to catch up?

Cheap cigars are still being sold out of every 7-11 in the country.  I assume there are still Cigar stores.  There's the internet.  In other words, cigars aren't going away,  They are just aren't being sold next to the baby formula and antihistamines anymore.  Boo f--ing hoo.

(BTW, if you find yourself "panicking" because your favorite pharmacy has stopped selling your favorite cigars, GET HELP.  You really, really need it.)

LegalZoom's heartwarming tribute to Capitalism

"My mom made the BEST toffee ever.  She'd make it on cold winter days as a very special treat- I can still remember coming home from school and finding a plate on it on the kitchen table and how happy it made me to eat it while drinking a glass of milk and telling mom all about my day....

And when I got older, I would help Mom make her toffee for holiday gift baskets, it was so much fun to make batch after batch and break it up and put it into gaily decorated boxes and hand them out to the mailman and the gas man and the sitter and my teachers at school, they all loved my Mom's toffee so very much...

And all along, my dream was that someday my Mom would kick off and leave me the recipe, so I could turn the recipe that had been passed down through five generations going back to the old country into a business employing six people at minimum wage and earning me some serious coin after the second year, once the industrial toffee-pulling machine had been paid off allowing me to can those teenagers I allowed to 'intern' with me during their summer before starting college.....

And then I achieved the larger vision in my dream, shutting down my local operation and moving the whole enterprise to Singapore, where it now employs 200 11-year olds making $600 a year under the supervision of very reasonably priced overseers.  Once I replaced the cane sugar with corn sugar (sugar is sugar!) and added an amazing array of artificial colors and flavors, the money REALLY began to roll in!

Every once in a while, I even whip up a batch of my Mom's Now Famous Toffee- it almost tastes like the crap I sold 4.5 million boxes of in 86 countries last year!  Thanks, Legal Zoom, for making my dream come true!

Oh, and thanks, Mom, wherever you are!

Verizon, Kmart, and the march toward unfettered Crudity on American television

These commercials are supposed to be Get-Around-the-FCC clever and funny.  If you think they are clever and funny, please keep your comments off my blog, stop eating paint chips, and please please please don't breed.  Or tell your mom you aren't ready to be on the internet without supervision yet.

I can't even begin to describe how unclever and unfunny this all is.  It's just so stupid and rude and manipulative and gross.  It makes me wonder what I ever found offensive in "Punch Dub Days"- I'd take a million of those ads if it meant I never had to see crap like this ever, ever again on my tv screen.

I wish I could say I'm boycotting Kmart because of their disgusting ad, but fact is I don't shop Kmart and I'm not even sure if there's one anywhere near me.  I do have Verizon, and as soon as it's economically feasible, I'll dump the service in protest of their revolting new campaign.  Because man is this ever wretched.

No More Posing, NFL

As this commercial plays ad nauseum (no bad pun intended there) the Player's Union is demanding the immediate reinstatement of Ray Rice.

I guess the NFL's message is "No More," while the Union's is "well, ok, domestic violence is bad, but this young man has the right to knock his wife cold, drag her body out of the elevator, and go right back to making money on the football field."  Uh huh.

Way to give unions a bad name.  Just what they need.  Meanwhile, the NFL has to stare down the Player's Union on this one.  I suspect that public opinion will be on the NFL's side, but I'm not positive.  Here's what I AM positive of- the Union is making an ass of itself, and needs to get slapped down hard ( unfortunate word choice unfortunate, not intentional.)

Ally's bankless banking commercials: Oddly Familiar, Oddly Aggressive

In one way, these ads look a lot like all of the other ads out there- this one in particular does the usual "white guy standing in the middle of a massive, immaculately decorated, gleaming-white-clean living room" (seriously, why does everyone in TV land have to possess living rooms and kitchens larger than my apartment?)  That's the "familiar" part.  All white people in tv commercials live in multi-million dollar homes with cavernous rooms that look like they are maintained by 6-man cleaning crews.  Got it.

But in another way, these ads practically beg us to dislike Ally Bank.  The operator is always sneering at the concerns of the potential customers.  In one I did earlier this year, a woman tells the Ally Bank Phone Bank Serf "I'm nervous about trying new things. "  Instead of just explaining why Ally Bank's "no place to complain in person, your money is at the mercy of a computerized phone menu" strategy is a good thing, the operator challenges this "irrational" fear- "what's wrong with trying new things?" (and the message is instantly botched- like it is in this ad- by showing examples of why the caller is exactly right to worry.)  In this ad, the caller's "I don't like hidden things" is not greeted with "I understand, here's why you have nothing to worry about" but rather "why is that?"  Again and again, Ally comes off as an aggressive car salesman challenging their potential customers to reach way down, find their guts, and just sign on the freaking dotted line, you weird spineless coward you.

What's the deal?  Here's my take on Ally's Bottom-Line Strategy:

1.  Ally Bank is the intelligent choice for very successful people.  If you want to be successful like these people on tv, you'll go with Ally Bank.

2.  Ally Bank gets that No Branches is a legitimately scary idea (no WAY I'm handing my money over to a company that will never, EVER provide a person I can sit down with and look in the eye if I ever have an issue with them, but that's just poor, unsucessful, cowardly me) so it's focused on shaming potential customers into buying in- "what's the matter with you?  Are you deranged?  Get with it.  Just give us your money. We'll always be here, just a phone call and 20 callers in the queue ahead of you away.  You don't like walking into banks and sitting down with people and discussing stuff anyway.  That's for cowards."

PASS!

What the thirty-something execs at Subaru think of the concepts of "grandma," "Woodstock," and "Love." This isn't pretty.

Ah, ok, I get it now!  "Grandma" was a stoner who hitched her way to Saugerties during the Summer of Love in order to experience Woodstock and the feeling of being soaked to the skin because of the incredibly crappy weather that marked most of the three-day music festival.  Judging from the stringy grey hair and the vaguely hippy-ish clothing, we are supposed to assume that Grandma never really got past her hippy phase and has spent most of the last forty years eating homemade yogurt and granola when she wasn't working in her organic garden and planning firebombing raids on Exxon-Mobile drilling rigs.

(Grandpa is sadly absent- while Grandma was living in the past, he was the CEO for Walmart who organized the shift to All Chinese Products back in the early-80s. Or he designed low-grade atomic weapons for the Defense Department.  Because someone had to finance Grandma's self-indulgent delusions.  Grampa died at 55 of a heart attack but he left a very nice insurance policy- thank goodness, because hey those annual excursions to visit the tortoises in the Galapagoes don't pay for themselves.)

Grandma remembers everything about Woodstock- where she skinny-dipped, where she banged that guy who would become Grampa about nine months later, where she almost OD'd on hashish....the decade or so after that is a little hazy, but it hardly matters, because those three days were the absolute highlight of her life anyway.  Kind of like that horrid old woman from Titanic, her entire existance encompasses a few hours from her 19th year.  All the crap after that- the kids, the mortgage, the koi pond, that organic garden, the trips to Whole Foods and the Think Globally Act Locally meetings in the Lincoln Navigator- all that kind of fades into obscure haze compared to those hours listening to tinny music out of crap sound systems in that soggy field in upstate New York.

This Minute of Twee wraps up with Incredibly Embarrassing Grandma hugging the tree which once provided a little shade while she and Future Grampa Did It To High Flying Bird- at least, she thinks that was the tree.  I mean, who knows- she was so plastered, it's kind of amazing that her son turned out as well as he did.  Still- she and the family are hugging a tree.  That's "love," in Subaru's book.  But let's not forget that love in Subaru's book is also stalking a female bicyclist and lovingly stroking a gearshift knob (see the archives.)  Subaru just keeps getting weirder about this.

Amazon, Amazon's Not-Kindle, and Dishonest Advertising

Most commerials are deceitful in one way or another, usually engaging in dishonesty through omission. But this ad contains an outright LIE.  Two of them.  Did you hear both?

1.  "With a free month of Amazon Prime for new members, you'll get unlimited streaming of more than 40,000 movie and tv episodes...." um, no you won't.  First, you can't logically put the number "40,000" and "unlimited" in the same sentence.  Second, it's not possible to stream 40,000 tv and/or movie episodes in one month- what the ad is really saying is "you can go back and watch up to 40,000 pieces of crap on your phone IF, when the free month is over, you subscribe to the service."

2.  "You have a lot to do."  Um, no you don't.  If you had "a lot to do," you wouldn't have time to turn your brain into warm, mushy pudding watching crap on a tiny screen.  And no, I don't count watching tv as "doing" something, sorry.

Oh, and for "good" Italian food? I guess that would mean a trip to The Olive Garden

And if you think that a national chain of fast food restaurants is the place to go for good barbecue, you've never, ever had good barbecue.  And if you insist on going to Wendy's for barbecue, you never, ever will.

Shouldn't "Red" be 100 lbs overweight and shooting insulin on a daily basis by now?  She sure should not be eating Every Freaking Meal as if she's going to the electric chair as soon as it's done.

Actually, this is more about seeking validation through face time than beer

Can someone explain to me why I give a flying damn about any of the people in this ad?

As near as I can tell, it's nothing more than totally random people urging other people to help them celebrate the holidays by drinking crappy beer.  Most of these people strike me as being really ugly and stupid and not at all interesting, but willing to offer beer in exchange for a little companionship.

The guy at the beginning is hoping to seal the deal by presenting his beer in an old-timey wooden box- yeah, because that might con someone really dumb into thinking that it will make the contents taste better. Not buying it.

(The woman who points out that she hasn't seen the people she is begging "for six years" is especially depressing.  So she's hoping that Budweiser will break down the barrier?  Really?)

And does Budweiser really expect us to make our own little video clips and send them along so they can be used to make commercials for their swill, for free?  Oh, who am I kidding, I bet a million exhibitionist losers do exactly that.

Did I miss something here?

I can see how the Woodford Way would lead to a long, lasting, meaningful relationship

"When I see a man drinking bourbon, I think 'there's a guy who knows how to build a bookshelf.  And not just a bookshelf-kit IKEA type bookshelf.  I mean, this is a guy who already knows where the lumberyard is.  Probably because it's next to the bar, but he knows where the lumberyard is.  Making him a man.  A man who likes to work with lumber and drink alcohol, which to me is just an awesome combination."

"Speaking of awesome combinations, he's also a guy who lets me use the saw, and thinks it's cute that I don't know how to use the saw.  Yes, that means exactly the way it sounds- it means he thinks it's cute when I endanger myself playing with a very sharp instrument.  I bet he'd really giggle if I drew blood, I'm such a silly girl I can't even manage to handle something he can operate while drinking bourbon.  He's so amazing, he makes me swoon."

"So I guess what I'm saying here is, I really, really like guys who drink whiskey and can build bookcases.  Because drunk and handy with tools, that's just so hot.  I really have to remember to add that to my eHarmony profile- 'Seeking Guy Who Likes To Get Drunk Quickly And Then Operate The Saw and Let Me Operate it Too.  There's got to be a lot of people who fit that description, and I'm sure they are all really nice."

"I bet he'd make a good soulmate, too.  I mean, what more could a girl want?"

"I'm here to say yes to whatever you offer me."

The guy in this stupid ad has no idea what a "gig" is, but thinks he's getting a great deal because the amount he "gets" per month is doubled if he takes this girl's offer.  Rather than simply admit he has no idea what a "gig" is, he'll take the offer because $160 a month is a fair price to pay rather than just tell a total stranger you have no idea you know what she's talking about.  If you've got the money, I guess.*

Because he can't think of an actual pick-up line, he decides that this girl is offering him a great deal because he's a celebrity ( I have no idea who he is and no, I don't care.)

"We are just talking loudly for some reason."  Probably the same reason you are standing in the middle of a virtually-empty store discussing gigs instead of acting like every single employee and customer I've ever seen in every actual AT&T store I've ever been in- employee behind the counter, customer on the other side of the counter, store crowded and noisy with frustrated people wandering around waiting for their turn to be assisted (their place on line being displayed on a monitor.)  If I ever walked into one of these stores and was actually greeted by someone like the people in these ads always are, I think I'd faint.

*In another one of these awful ads- which I don't think I'll bother giving it's own roasting- this woman reads the mind of the hipster doofus who saunters in- "yes, we have the new iPhone."  The customer is stunned that she knows what he came in for, which is kind of like being stunned that Red wants to get lunch at Wendy's.  "I knew you came in for the new iPhone because evey witless zombie with money burning holes in his pocket wants the new iPhone.  Why should you be any different?"

Once again, Apple makes us long for the sweet embrace of death. Or, at least, deafness

There is no longer any doubt in my mind that Apple won't be satisfied until everyone on the planet loves their phones and totally loathes their company.  If you don't want to hunt down and kill the people who came up with this ad, you are a far, far better person than I am.

I mean, there is just no point to it.  "This phone is big.  This phone is bigger.  Let's repeat this incredibly simple idea five times because this ad simply must be at least 20 seconds long for no good reason, even if repeating the idea makes a simple, effective ad horrible and obnoxious."

They must have got the "idea" from that insanely craptacular "frog protection" credit card ad.  You know, the one that had you looking for a window to jump out of.  Ugh.

Well, at least she's not at a swimming pool. That's something, I guess

Well, actually, no- she's supposed to be chaparoning.  It's "her turn."  Which means she's kind of supposed to be the adult in the room who is making things are going ok.  Not just another warm body who happens to be older than the children, with no responsibilities, leaving her free to watch tv on her stupid phone while the kids do whatever.

I know I'm talking to the wind here.  As I've posted before, I see more actual parents of actual children totally ignoring their own kids playing (and often doing things that really, really require supervision) so that they can stare at their Much More Important phones.  Why should I expect more from a teacher/chaparone who isn't even related to these kids?  Oh yeah, that whole lawsuit thing.  I guess.  But still, there's this game on, and never mind that anyone who has a phone like this is certainly DVRing everything back home anyway.

I hate this century so very much.  Have I mentioned that before?