Toyota's Blow Off Steam By Trashing the Planet Ad

If this is what passes as 'blowing off steam" these days, gas prices can't start rising fast enough or high enough for me.

Seriously, you stupid choads- want to blow off steam?  Take a kickboxing class at the local gym.  Start jogging or just walking.   Do something that will provide some benefit.  Don't do this.*

*Of course, 99 percent of Americans have no access to the kind of flat desert areas these ads are always showing, so "blowing off steam" in this manner remains a stupid fantasy for pretty much everybody.  Good thing- because until these machines actually run on steam, you aren't doing anyone any favors when you zoom around in them for no purpose larger than "because you can."

And again- the most productive people on Earth.....

Summing up this commercial:  Guy mopes about doing absolutely nothing.  We soon learn the reason for his foul mood:  He missed yesterday's games because he "had to work."

Ah, but his coworker has the answer:  Go to NFL GamePass and watch yesterday's games right now! Yay!

Never mind that

1.  As a YouTube poster points out, it's a pretty lame idea to get excited about watching games where you already know the final score.  You can go on NFL.com and watch highlights of the good games.  You don't need to invest money or time on downloading entire games, unless you are really, really into watching all the posing and pomping and posturing that might not be included in the highlights (who am I kidding, I just described most of the highlights.)

2.  This guy didn't watch the games because he had to work- so he's going to make up for it the next day by walking around aimlessly making tiny paper airplanes and feeling sorry for himself, and then waste even more time by.....watching the games.  Um, if he was going to blow off work, why didn't he do that yesterday, when the games were live and maybe worth watching?  What exactly does he accomplish by working on Sunday if he then spends Monday catching up on his football viewing?  What am I missing here?

Oh right, I forgot- I'm missing some level of appreciation for two jackasses who are so comfortable in their jobs- and so ungrateful for them- that they have no problem cheating their employers by spending a day either yakking aimlessly about football or watching it while on the clock.  A few more of these ads, and I'll turn Conservative, I swear.

"It's just that some snow globes, like people, are much, much better than others."..

The best thing about Christmas being over....is that we'll soon be saying goodbye to these horrible commercials for another eleven months.

Wow, Santa sure is careful to make everything just right for the pretty, wealthy white people, isn't he?  So much time and effort to make sure that perfect lives are just a little more perfect.

Meanwhile, how many kids got somewhat cheaper versions of what they really wanted, clothes from Goodwill, or nothing at all?

How many soup kitchens couldn't quite meet demand this year and had to turn away dissapointed, hungry moms and dads and children?

How many parents couldn't spend time with their children on December 25 because the store they work at for minimum wage simply had to stay open* for the idiots who might have to drop by for just one more thing?

I guess that if Santa is going to be so meticulous in getting some snow globes just right- down to the pretty red bow- he's going to have to cut some corners on most of the others, huh?

Hey Santa, I've got an idea what you can do with your Snow Globe.  It involves committing an act of...umm....surgery....on yourself.

*I taught on Christmas morning.  As I was walking to school I passed the local Whole Foods Market at 7:50 AM.  There was a well-dressed white guy standing outside the door, clearly put out because the store was not open for his convenience.  At 7:50 AM on Christmas morning.  Un. Freaking. Believable.

So much to hate in this Hyundai ad

1.  The look on this woman's face when she sees that her Standard Issue Idiot Husband has taken part of the white picket fence he provided to the game- again.  Seriously, if I never see that look on a woman in a tv commercial or sitcom again, it will be too soon.  Enough with the beaten-down, Oh Why Oh Why Did I Marry This Jackass You Can Almost See The Blood Dripping From My Hands martyr look already.

2.  The "Whaaaaaat?" coming from the guy and his friends- what the hell, does anyone really do that in real life?  If anyone does, can they please throw themselves into traffic right now?  What do idiots like this guy do for a living that lands them with nice houses in the suburbs, anyway?  Something that doesn't require brain cells- but what is it?

3.  The question- which of the following scenerios is more likely:

A.  Beaten-down, disgusted, bedraggled woman packs up and leaves while hubby is making an ass of himself at the game because she's sick of him making them the laughing stock of Whitebread Avenue, , or

B.  Hubby realizes at some point during the game that he's married to a nagging old shrew he would never consider actually inviting to join him at that game because hey, he wants to have fun, or

C.  Hubby is told by security that no, he can't bring an actual four-foot section of fence into a football game because, you know, security and such.  It's heavy and dangerous.  Fences shown being waved by obnoxious idiots on tv are not actually made of wood, Stupid Man, or

D.  Hubby is beaten to a pup by the five drunks sitting behind him after he blocks their view of the game for the fourth time by standing up and waving his heavy blunt instrument, or

E.  Five drunks didn't wait for him to start waving the fence, but decided to beat him to a pulp the first time he bleated "Whaaaaat?" into his phone, because man that's stupid.

Nissan continues it's sad, fruitless effort....

...to convince us that there's something fun, bold, young or hip about their Japanese Blandmobiles.

Seriously, Nissan- nobody gives a damn that you found some desperate-for-cash rap artist to throw together a jingle or an equally desperate-for-cash computer animator to throw together a few images of a fake Nissan manned by pasty-white Eurotrash morons flying through the snow or a desperate-for-cash wannabee actor to yell about how awesome your NothingMobile is.  Nobody's buying it.  Nissans are ok cars for young families and Generation X'ers who can't afford the Accords- god forbid the Audis- they'd rather own.  In other words, they aren't so much Blandmobiles or Nothingmobiles as they are Settlemobiles.

Nice try, though.  Now get the hell off my tv screen already.  800 of these per football game is MORE than enough.

Volkswagen- you have my permission to bludgeon these idiots and leave them in the snow

Commerical #1:  Yeah, I almost want to test-drive a Volkswagen so I can see the look on the salesman's face when I tell him I want to go buy a Christmas tree and strap it on the top of a car I have not yet committed to buy.  That's going to happen.

Commercial #2:  Can we please get the phrase "the twins" forever banned from commercials?  Twins are individual children. They have different names, personalities, wants, and needs.  They were born at roughly the same time, that's it.  They don't share anything other than a birthday and relatives.  Every time I hear someone utter the phrase "the twins" I want to reach out and punch them in the face- and don't even get me started on parents who dress two kids born on the same day in identical clothing.  Gross.

Both Commercials:  "Can the test drive be over now?" got old several years ago.  I've taken test drives.  The salesman always decides when it's over.  Depicting salesmen as wimpy, helpless baggage at the mercy of customers isn't amusing, and I'm sure the actual salesmen don't appreciate the lame "humor" in this at all.

"Can the test drive be over now?"  Damn right it can.  Take the keys and tell the customers that the car is heading back to the showroom, and it's not going on any more errands before it does because it's not a rental, jagoffs.  Ugh I hate this crap.

The most painfully awful commercial of 2015

1.  The "song."  Oh. My. God.  If I had children, I'd be horrified that they'd pick this up and adopt it as their own personal National Anthem.

2.  The message- that children this age naturally have cell phones already (really?) and that they need cuddly little toys to hold them while they sleep (which is the only time they'll need a cell phone holder, because every waking hour is going to be spent actually holding the phone in your own hand, right?)  So the people in this ad are the kind of weird toddler/teenager hybrid that cell phone companies have successfully created by marketing their wares as essential equipment for everyone.   In 20 years, these things have gone from being luxuries to body parts which might as well be grafted to the hand.

3.  The indoctrination.  Give your six-year old a cell phone, and he or she will be consulting it for every answer you went to your parents and actual friends for.  Yes, your kid will be constantly entertained and maybe even educated- but not by you.  He or she will learn to find knowledge, fun and comfort from a glowing screen- a lesson that will be so ingrained by the time he or she is a teenager that- well, they'll fit right in, won't they?

Kay Jewelers: When you want to rub her mistake in her face....

Oh yes, this is a really good idea, but be careful of your timing, buddy--

"Hey, honey- thank you for setting aside the fact that I'm a little boy in a man's body because you just really really wanted the MRS degree and the house and the fence and the kids and the SUV and the rest of the package.  Now that you've completely settled and you are more or less trapped in this situation, here's a reminder that your husband is still that immature little boy- check out this totally awesome charm bracelet which 'celebrates' a series of movies I correctly adored when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 50) or inexplicably appreciated when I was a kid (if I'm roughly 30.)"

"Before you point out that no one with even a modicum of taste would wear this crap, and that there are roughly 4 million other pieces of jewelry you would rather have received than this stupid, gawdy crud, please remind yourself about the MRS degree, the house, the fence, the kids and the SUV again.  I'll be in my Man Cave watching the ESPN Fantasy Football Report, or maybe playing World of Warcraft.  When's dinner again?"

T-Mobile's Perfect Message for the Holidays

The tagline of this ad comes about as close to "F--k Sharing!" as T-Mobile dares to get.  In another year or two, that WILL be the tagline of these ads.

Because sharing data is sooooo yesterday.  Nothing lamer than not being able to download that movie or music video because those annoying sapiens who share your house used too much data- sharing sucks!  What REALLY matters is your ability to wrap yourself into that giant, warm, electronic security cocoon with your personal data overdose and never have to do anything that involves other human beings EVER.

So this holiday season, say NO to sharing!  Next year, we'll be saying something else.  But we aren't quite there yet.  Stay Tuned!  Stay Selfish!  Down With Sharing!

This is neither an Onion sketch nor the product of SNL, believe it or not....

My favorite claim in this unintentionally hilarious commercial is that this tablet is "Holy."  Um, really?  I'm surprised that it isn't endorsed personally by The Almighty.

I also find it really hard to believe that anyone under the age of 60 would be caught dead holding one of these things.  I mean, really- a tablet approved by the Catholic Church, pre-loaded with medieval dogma and blather approved by the Council of Nicea (and links to websites approved by---um, who exactly?)  Of course, anyone over the age of 60 who is also a devout Roman Catholic probably doesn't have much use for one of these newfangled satanic internet-connected tablet doohickies anyway, so.....who is this supposed to be marketed toward?

Oh, right- crazy weirdos who can't find crosses big enough to hang from their necks and who wrap their entire lives around the big building down the street with the nice pancake breakfasts, spaghetti dinners and unmarried men who like to tell people how to walk with the ghost of a guy who may or may not have existed for 33 years 2000 years ago.

Seriously, I was dissapointed when I realized that this commercial wasn't actually a parody.  Then I realized it would make an awesome addition to my blog.  Silver Lining!

Chevrolet: Working hard at training up the next generation of zombies

Make that "training up the next generation of witless, dullard, socially isolated children who must be constantly drugged/hypnotized by electronic devices.  With the help of pathetically useless adults who for some reason had children but can't be bothered to actually communicate with them or attempt to keep them entertained so must drive around in WiFi-equipped cars and provide each of their spawn with their own glowing screens."

Somehow, the kids of my generation managed to take long distance car rides by playing word games and listening to the radio and having actual conversations with our actual parents (back then, parents weren't there just to drive the car and provide the electronics.)  Nowadays it seems that kids can't even be in the same room with those parents without those electronics for fear of a tantrum (or a conversation) breaking out.  Just imagine what these kids are going to be like when they are adults and they've been weaned on a steady diet of instant-gratification electronic junk.  I dare you.

Thanks, Chevy, for not being satisfied with not being part of the solution, but insisting on being part of the problem.  And thanks, Mom and Dad, for having me be born long before this ridiculous era.

Walmart's answer to degraded purchasing power....

..which they are largely responsible for....

"Your family expects gifts this Christmas, but you don't have very much money, Typical Republican-Voting Poor White Male Who Thinks He's Middle Class Because He Manages To Pay His Bills And Has Some Credit and a Mortgage.  Here's a way out of a predicament which is only a predicament because you can't be honest with your family about your finances and maybe teach them something about the true spirit of Christmas but simply must perpetuate the myth that Mommy and Daddy are in great financial shape by showering them with crap from Walmart (here's a quick tip: if your kids are over eight years old, they already know you do your shopping at Walmart, which means they already know they are not as well off as the neighbors down the street celebrating the fact that Santa brought them a Lexus.)

"Oh, but please, don't be honest with yourself or your kids.  Con yourselves into thinking that you are just One More Credit Card Away from engaging in a financially responsible gift-giving orgy made less ruinous by a $35 credit which vanished the moment you picked out the big-screen tv you don't need but will distract your kids from that Lexus family for at least a few hours every day."

Aaron Rodgers needs something to do while not winning Superbowls, I guess

It's almost frightening to think how many rubes there are out there who think that this commercial is at all funny.  It's predictable, it's intensely stupid, it does nothing to sell it's product, and it's just a gigantic waste of time.

If I just insulted you by calling you a vapid rube if you think this ad is funny, well, tough.  You have no taste, you have no sense of humor, and if you are a Green Bay fan, you ought to be wondering why Aaron Rodgers isn't spending a little more time with the playbook and a little less time making these asinine little nubs.

But if you persist in finding these ads entertaining, be my guest- and appreciate that Rodgers has joined  Eli and Peyton Manning in the Quarterbacks Who Would Rather Make Commercials Than Win Superbowls Club.  Tom Brady?  He's too busy to join.  Guess what he's too busy doing?

Time for Lexus Dad to go to Plan B

"But dad, penguins live at the South Pole..." chirps Adorable Offspring of Human Pig-Man.  Here's a good reply from Dad- better than the delighted chuckle from Trophy Wife:

"Ok, son, I'll admit it.  All that crap about penguins and racetracks was just something I made up because I thought maybe you were a little too young to know the truth....but my friends over at Fox Business News told me the other day that it's really never too early for kids to start learning about the Blessings of Capitalism, so here goes...

"You see, Daddy's a hedge fund manager.  That means he makes money moving other people's money around in complicated ways, and constantly skimming off the top.  Daddy makes more doing that every month than the average coal miner or school teacher will make in three years.  And thanks to a political system featuring two parties crawling all over themselves to be the bestest of friends with hedge fund managers, Daddy got to keep practically all that of that money, while coal miners and school teachers hand over a third of their income to the Evil Tax Man every paycheck."

"To make sure Daddy could buy Trophy Wife---errr, Mommy-- the Lexus she wanted so she wouldn't start wondering if selling her body and soul to me was worth it, Daddy did a little work on the side merging a few corporations and getting a few thousand people downsized, which meant a little more in Daddy's bank account come the end of the year."

Adorable Offspring:  "Daddy, did those people who lost their jobs get a Lexus in their driveway?"

"No, but don't worry-  those people get to ride even bigger cars, with lots of wheels and their own driver.  They just have to go out to the street and wait for one to show up."

Adorable Offspring- "Aren't those called buses, and arent' they kind of crowded and gross?"

"Hey kids, who's up for a ride in Mommy's New Lexus?  Check out the dual DVD players in the back!"

Fail on Several Levels by PapaJohns

The Redskins take on Dallastonight and we've got Burgunday and Gold Nation  covered with this great deal from Papa John's!  2 Large 2-topping pizzas and a 2-liter Pepsi product is only $25! #HTTR! Use the promotion code NCR2500 Offer expires 12/7/2015 Offer available Online Only! 1.  It would have been so great if PapaJohns could have omitted the racist name of the franchise which currently plays in the suburbs of Washington, DC when creating this ad. 2.  "Burgunday?"  Really?

This is how sad Steve is

This is Steve.  Steve has absolutely, positively no shame, and he woudn't know dignity if it bit him in his overfed butt.  Steve just wants to be on tv, and if it means doing a dance worthy of a minstrel show for a tax preparation service, well, that's just fine with Steve, because remember that stuff I just said about Steve's shame level?

Meanwhile, the other company that is using "This Is How We Do It" -- Dish Network- is entering the eighth month of it's "limited time promotion" -- Dish Network for $49 per month for 24 months.  People who took advantage of the offer last summer are more than a quarter through their "special" contracts.  Ugh, can this end now, PLEASE?

Oh, and Steve?  Hope the sale of your soul was totally worth it.

The more things change...

This is the iPhone 6 S.  Not much has changed, except that in the expectation that you've become even more of a pathetically helpless knob who can't put his socks on without consulting a website, we've made the newest version of our phone capable of giving you step-by-step instructions on how to do that and other super-complicated things that your parents could do without even thinking twice about it, but which leave you a drooling, befuddled, clueless fleeb.

So run out and get the latest version of our Crutch For Able-Bodied Alleged Adults, which will never leave you spending more than 3.5 seconds pondering any mystery at all but will give you answers from Siri at the drop of a hat (remember when you criticized your kids for saying "why, I can always use a calculator" when you nagged them to do their homework?  Pot, meet Kettle.)  With the new iPhone 6, Thinking itself is a thing of the past (assuming you've been a steady consumer of Apple products for the past dozen years or so, a thing of the distant past.)  Welcome to the Brave New World of instant gratificaiton of every witless query or half-thought that has ever popped into your increasingly vacant skull.

This is why our ancestors fought and died in wars.  So this generation could dedicate itself to the consumption of electronics and call asking a phone questions the next big step in the pursuit of knowledge.  No, not much has changed.  Not much at all.  I still hate this century so very much.

Did I speak too soon?

Remember when I said that Chrysler pairing with The Hunger Games equaled the worst cross-promotion ever?  Well, this one might not be "worse," but it's certainly giving it a run for it's money.

I mean, the Chrysler commercial didn't feature a talking lizard walking along a beach and encountering a wedding, at least.  Who the hell gets married on the beach like this, anyway?  I like the beach, but I can't imagine trying to arrange a wedding on one, unless it's in a private section.  Even then, there are going to be seagulls everywhere.  Not to mention the sand getting in everything (and probably rendering the rental tuxes unreturnable) and it being too hot and sunny-- it just doesn't work on any level.  At least these people should be wearing Hawaiian shirts.

(Oh wait, it's a "destination wedding"- one of those obnoxious ego-orgies where the couples think that they are so damned important they can force their friends to spend bucketloads of money to travel to another part of the world to watch them exchange rings and still remain their friends.)

Oh and a diamond ring+beach=several dozen people on their knees looking for a rock that doesn't look like all the other rocks.  Stupid.

These Fitbit ads should really come with a disclaimer.

What happened to that girl this guy was chasing in the other commercial?????  Never mind- it's too dark to even think about.

Meanwhile, I feel sorry for people who try to emulate this guy's workout routine- at least, if they try to do it without first consulting a doctor or at least a good chiropractor.  Here's a tip- if you want to get into shape, do NOT get workout ideas from Rocky montages or Fitbit ads.  Unless what you are really after is a severely torn back muscle or a hernia, most of what this guy is doing is not for you, or anyone else for that matter.

It's almost scary to think how many suddenly-inspired sedentary slugs with money burning holes in their pockets are going to be inspired by this guy to go right out and give themselves a quick heart attack by overdoing it instead of building up to a decent workout.  But at least they'll die wearing a pretty watch, right?

Because I like to be helpful every once in a while, check out this article for better advice than "buy this electronic thing and go overboard trying to fix twenty years of sitting on your butt:"

http://www.examiner.com/article/exercise-walking-is-the-best-medicine

Audi ramps up the loathsome meter

The guy in this ad who gives his wife/girlfriend a brand-new SUV, only to have her get distracted by a "better" car as it drives by a moment later- so soon, in fact, that she doesn't even have time to express the gratitude she doesn't feel for a gift that costs about as much as dinner for 10,000 homeless families at the town's shelters- really ought to just say "only kidding" and take the damn thing back to the dealer for a refund.

Then he should donate that money to those homeless shelters.  He won't, of course, because anyone who would buy one of these LookAtMeMobiles is a self-centered, self-satisfied, amoral douchenozzle who probably speeds up and looks at his Italian shoes as he passes Salvation Army kettles or those aforementioned homeless people.

Oh and by the way, the people who made this should all die horrible deaths.  Not to be overly negative, but there it is.

Three Quick Question for viewers of this Verizon Ad

Never mind all the Norman Rockwell-ish imagery that pervades this cloying nonsense.  Here's what I want honest answers to:

1.  If the parents had slipped each of their crying little brats a shot of whiskey instead of handing them an electronic drug to keep them occupied during the long drive to Grampa's, would that have been worse?  I mean, the whiskey would have just knocked them out and given them a nice nap.  The tablet encourages the use of a glowing screen as a babysitter/pacifier.  Plus, it can't be great for their eyes.

2.  If Verizon really wants us to shut our electronics off-- ever-- why do all of it's commercials celebrate the "miracle" of 24/7 "connectivity" and the "joy" of houses filled with people staring at their personal electronic best friends while ignoring those organic life forms who seem to exist to suck up data and deny them their share of broadband?

3.  Did anyone visiting you this holiday actually shut their phones off when they arrived at your house so they wouldn't be disturbed by the outside world and would spend their time actually enjoying your company and the company of other people in the same room?  And if you answered "yes," is there room in your family for one more?

Chrysler: Your place for really, really bad cross-promotion

Maybe I should be thankful that The Hunger Games didn't go with Arby's or KFC to pitch it's (thankfully) final chapter, which btw somehow takes the second half of the third and dullest book of the series and turns it into a full-length film in the service of making another billion dollars.  But using Chrysler doesn't make any sense at all, either- "if you're an unknown..." Chrysler is an unknown?  Huh?

The rest of this ad is just as awful- because it takes the opening failure to connect the movie and the car and just keeps trying to pound it into our skulls, like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that simply MUST be made to fit or a square peg that must be forced into a round hole, dammit.  The problem is that anyone with half a brain is well aware that a film about the final victory of a ragtag group of rebels over a brutal totalitarian dictatorship has precious little in common with buying an overpriced SUV.  Unless I'm missing something.  (I'm not.)

Oh, actually I am missing something- I'm not going to see this movie, either.  I read the books and saw the first two films in the theater and caught the third one on Roku.  As I stated above, the third book was a bore and the third film was an almost preposterously ponderous, obviously padded waste of time.  I'm not endorsing the current "string them along and then make the third book into two films" phenomena by shelling out $10 to see Katniss make the inevitable decision to be with that whiny, perpetually wounded and helpless dishrag Peeta (sorry for the spoiler, but geeeeeshhh....)  Not when there's a James Bond film playing in the same theatre.  Which reminds me, I'm thirsty for a Heineken for some reason.....

This isn't helping, either

If there are any people left in the world who don't already loathe Americans, it's only a matter of time before they see this commercial and it becomes unanimous.  Hell, after one viewing I wanted to punch myself in the face while burning a flag.

Yeah, these people look like they are really anxious to save 25%, Kay Jewelers

"For the woman who already has everything, including an impossibly enormous, almost cavernous mansion, a successful Eurotrash-wannabee husband, and 2.5 children:  Another F---ing Rock, courtesy of Kay Jewelers."*  At least we don't see someone drive off in a $75,000 SUV at the end of this crud.  Even without that, I don't buy the idea that the 25% sale was what sealed the deal for this guy.  Judging from his surroundings, I doubt he's noticed the price tag of anything for quite some time now.

Warms the heart.  Or turns the stomach.  Or has me reaching for the cyanide.  One of those.

Between Kay Jewelers, Audi and Lexus, it's going to be a long, painful rest of the year.

*You're trying to hard, buddy.  You bought her a long time ago with the house and kids. The repeated purchase of cheap jewelry won't bring her back if she's wandering, and won't change her mind if she's considering looking for an exit.  But again- you can afford it, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

Better warn Mom- this guy will be moving back in soon

...because he's proving in this ad that he's simply not ready to be out on his own yet.

I mean, think about it.  He's an "artist" obsessed with the need for a good couch (you know, buddy, if you spent more time actually working and less time reflecting on how badly you need a place to comfortably rest your butt, you might not have such crappy credit...)  He doesn't need a clean apartment, he doesn't need a good credit score, he just needs a good couch.  That will fix everything.  Uh huh.

Ah, but he's got a girlfriend ready to give him truly horrible advice- "just go to Aaron's- you just need first month's payment!"  Yeah, that's all you need- kind of like those "Sign and Drive" events where you can drive off with a car "for practically just your signature."  Next comes the other 35 payments you'll be making on the awesome couch you "needed" and which will end up costing you roughly five times more than you would have paid for the same couch at Penny's if you had just been willing to save for it.  Then again, if you had ever shown any inclination to save for anything, you wouldn't have that terrible credit score, would you?

Tip to couch guy:  That girlfriend is not your friend.  Tip to girlfriend:  Your "artist" boyfriend is in a big enough hole without you handing him another shovel.

Someone do this idiot a favor and introduce him to a few Aaron's customers- or Rent A Center customers (same people.)  Maybe he'll get a badly-needed education concerning companies which take advantage of people with crappy credit scores who want to pretend that they have the right to nice things like people who have good credit scores (or who just save up for the things they want, and know the difference between "wanting" and "needing.")

Maybe the same person can also do his mom a favor and encourage her to change her locks.  Because her idiot son is on the way back to her basement, this time with even more dismal prospects than before he moved out.

The Most Sexist Ad of All Time

"Hey Moms, if you have kids, does this look familiar?"

Um, I'm not a Mom, and I don't have Kids, and this STILL looks familiar.  Maybe because it's f---ing 2015 and even single guys do laundry these days.  This Good Housekeeping Better Homes And Gardens Betty Crocker crap really ticks me off-- and the comments underneath this YouTube clip don't exactly restore my faith in humanity; they are mostly "I hear ya!" affirmations from empty-headed clucking idiots almost as proud of the label "Housewife" as they are of their "MRS" degree.

Seriously what the hell is this? "Mom Hacks?"  Apparently it's a series of videos designed to help "typical moms" through what is supposed to be their "typical mom" lives- lives which involve preparing meals, cleaning, making beds, arranging and rearranging rooms, picking up after their kids and laundry, laundry and more laundry, all in a big cage--errrr,, house-- that hubby provided as his side of the bargain...err, I mean marriage.  When it comes to actually maintaining the home, I don't see a lot of input from Hubby-- oh, but I already forgot; he's out Making All This Possible by bringing home the paycheck.  He also gets to impregnate Mom every once in a while- that's part of the deal, after all.

A man doing laundry?  I think that would give the people who made these videos the vapors.

"Mom Hacks."  Because in someone's world, it's always going to be 1955.

One more Mom Hack- "don't keep a loaded gun near the washer, you might suddenly realize what your life has become.  Keep a bottle of Sherry behind the drier instead- you know, like your Mom always did."

Dear Mr. Thomson: This isn't helping

Do I really have to explain why this shucking and jiving act shouldn't have any place on television in 2015?

I mean, is that necessary?  Is this necessary?  Does it really sell movie tickets?  Even if it did, is it really worth it?

National's Actors Welfare Program is getting on my nerves

When this actor realizes that his acting career has been reduced to playing a character he portrayed on a sitcom which has been off the air for 20 years in 30-second bits in order to pimp for a rental car company, I suggest he be kept away from sharp objects and be lovingly guided to therapy.

In the meantime, why on Earth would any of this convince us to use this particular rental car company?  "Putty' didn't work for a rental car company on Seinfeld.  He was a mechanic (and later, for one entire episode, a car salesman.)  He was also an idiot.  So why are turning to him for advice on which car rental company to use?

Come to think of it- considering the arc of this guy's career, why does he need to rent cars anyway?

Thing is, there is no "In Between" Anymore

Unless it's to make us hate every single person who appears on the screen over the course of this twenty seconds of Obnoxious, I don't get the point of this ad at all.  I mean, it can't mean "this is the phone you want to have to share the moments in between the moments you are already sharing," can it?

Can It?

I know it's early, but can we as a civilization consider this for a New Year's Resolution:  To make 2016 the year we admit that 99 percent of our lives are really not worth "sharing," and to just cut back on the g-d-- sharing until we have something that qualifies as valuable?  Because this.....this is just wrong.  Man, I can remember thinking that everyone having blogs was Over-The-Top in the self-important department.  When you are recording yourself sipping from a water fountain or just walking....geeeessssh....man, what went wrong in YOUR life?

Axa* Commercial, Translated

"Here at Axa, we think that offensively condescending commercials are the way to draw upper-middle class couples away from Voya, Morgan Stanley, and all the other brokers.  Plus, those guys have already done ads with idiots stretching ribbons and carrying around their fantasy retirement income numbers, so this is pretty much what's left."

"In an interesting twist, we are going to throw in a ridiculous line about how investing money instead of spending it can be an 'enjoyable' experience."

*Axa?  Hmmm.  So not only were all the plausible ad ideas already taken, so were all the decent brokerage firm names?

The only thing "surprising" in this Nissan commercial is that no one died during it

Upon the fourth or fifth viewing of this ubiquitous junk, I figured out that what the guy wasn't supposed to be "expecting" was that he and this girl were actually going to be watching the game at the stadium down the street, and not at Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooter's or anywhere else he might have seen as more plausible.  Exactly why watching the game live is such a surprise, considering (as I've mentioned) the stadium is apparently just a few blocks away from where this guy lives (and only a few seconds when you're traveling with an idiot who is perfectly comfortable driving seventy miles per hour down urban streets while applying eyeblack) continues to escape me.

It's still a better explanation than my original take- that this guy didn't expect her to be able to spew generic bs anyone spending thirty seconds listening to sports talk rado could have picked up in their sleep.  Nothing she says is especially impressive, even when you consider that she's saying it while driving at least twice the speed limit over potholes (and, probably, lots of small animals and people) as she drives to the neighborhood National Football League stadium across town.  (Seriously- why is this guy so surprised again?)

Walmart demonstrates what can be done when you have zero shame

In this ad, Walmart tries to convince us it gives a damn about America's Veterans with soft music, "inspiring" images of a veteran out for a run, and a suggestion that we all show our apprecation for the men and women who put their bodies on the line by-- purchasing and using a green light conveniently available at Walmart.

Meanwhile the Walton family heirs deny decent salaries to their hundreds of thousands of employees (but do thoughtfully provide the paperwork to help them apply for food stamps, which they'll need if they want to survive on their Walmart paychecks) so they can continue to make more money every day than I'll make in ten years.  Meanwhile this same family happily hires the mentally ill and the elderly at sweatshop wages and fills their stores with Made-in-China crap so they can make Made In America a memory and add a few more billion to the pile they can't even begin to chip away at.  Meanwhile these blood-sucking ghouls feed off of the modern version of slavery operating in Asian and Middle Eastern factories to keep the shelves stocked, and the home-grown version called "minimum wage" (all you have to do is get three or four friends together and you can all rent a one-bedroom apartment.)

The idea that the Waltons give a flying damn about America's veterans- many of whom are among the cashiers, stockboys, greeters, and cleaning crews working their lives away for crap money so this family can buy one more yacht and take a little more time off from the vacation that is their lives- would be funny if it weren't so damned sad.  These vultures had plastic American flags for our cars at Buy One, Get One Free the weekend after September 11 and was the Go-To place for Support Our Troops bumper stickers and t-shirts five minutes after we invaded Iraq.  Now they hope we'll come in for green lights- and stay to stock up on jeans, cheap sneakers and beer.  A green light?  That and a decent job will help a veteran pay his bills.

As we walk out, they hope we'll tip our hat to the veteran who checks our receipt.  We can thank him for our Freedom, after all.

FitBit- because you need to have it hammered into your skull, apparently

Wow, I'm sure glad this is one of those double-down ads, which just replays itself to turn a commercial already annoyingly and unnecessarily long at 30 seconds an absolute ordeal at a minute flat.  Maybe the idea is to force us to turn off the tv and go outside?

I don't get this Esurance Ad

This troll is the ugliest creature I have ever seen on television- and I used to watch Star Trek.  He's not capable of being humilated.

And this woman not only is with this troll, but she had sexual relations with him.  So she's not capable of being humilitated either.

What am I missing here?

Or maybe Siri and Nissan just lost something in translation?

1.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  Um, did I miss something?  Back when I got married, it was customary for the GROOM to choose his own Best Man.  Who is the "she" who is informing this guy that he's the Best Man?

2.  "She said yes, you're the Best Man."  That's just odd phrasing- since this is 2015 and all contact no matter how personal or intimate is made through electronics these days,  I could almost believe that this guy asked someone to marry him and she responded with a unique way of saying no - by telling him that Yes, he's going to be an important part of her wedding, but it's going to be as Best Man.  It just came off as really weird, because....

3.  The look on his face suggests that this guy actually hoped the answer would be Yes.  He puts on that ugly, douchey little smirk and convinces himself "I've got this."  First, what guy wants to be Best Man?  Second, it's not like being a Bridesmaid.  The Best Man has precious little to do in comparison.  All the "this" we see this guy "has" is the ability to pick up the bride and groom on schedule and drive them somewhere.  Wow, thank goodness you've got that car, Eurotrash jagoff.*

4.  "You're the Man."  Um, ok.  Whatever.  I don't get that at all, but I suppose something thinks that's a good way to wrap up this ad.  He got a message that he's going to be Best Man, and he picked the couple up outside the church.  You're the Man, all right.  I suspect you're fortunate it doesn't take more than this.

*Am I the only person out there who wants to smash this guy's face in with a pickax?

I get you, lady. You are a techno-addled idiot with no taste in pizza

As near as I can tell, this stupid woman who I guess is famous for something and I'm supposed to know what it is just sent "pizza emojis" (god I hate this century so much) to everyone she knew until finally she sent one to Dominos, which responded by sending her a cruddy pizza, which I guess is what she wanted in the first place.

It would probably amaze her and other people to know that pizza delivery predates the internet and cellphones- that's right, boys and girls, even before the late-90s it was possible to get pizza delivered to your home.  You just used a phone with a cord attached to the wall and called the restaurant and what do you know, between thirty and sixty minutes later it showed up at your house (just like today, but more about that in a moment.)

The use of emojis to order pizza is just another way of streamlining the thinking process and making it less likely that you'll reconsider your investment of $20 on a pile of bland white bread, cheese and sugary sauce.  Making it easier to order means making it easier to make a dumb mistake- which means, ordering this crap.  Dominos has clearly figured out that the longer it takes to order one of it's bottom-of-the-barrel pizzas, the more likely the potential customer is to remember she's got leftovers in the fridge, or is already twenty pounds overweight, or ran out of money near the end of the previous month and doesn't want to make a habit of that.

But back to the whole point, click and buy concept being sold to us here-- anyone else notice that in the last ten years, all of the "improvements" involved in pizza delivery services revolve around how we order pizzas and pay for them?  Meanwhile, I've seen no improvements in how they taste or how long it takes for them to get to our door.  I suspect that in ten years, these couch pumpkins will be able to just THINK about a pizza and it will be delivered- in 30 to 60 minutes.  And it will taste like cardboard covered in ketchup.  Just like today.

Mazda's Celebration of the Mid-Life Crisis

Ugh, where to start?

First, this guy's incredibly cliche'd life (seriously, "cliche'd" doesn't really cut it.  There should be another word that's stronger than that, but I don't know what it is of if it even exists.  If it doesn't, someone needs to invent it...)

 Because good freaking lord, according to the scriptwriters this guy dotted every "i," crossed every "t," and did absolutely everything exactly the way he was supposed to do it in exactly the order he was supposed to do it.  His first car was a hot red Mazda convertable (uh huh.)  He rocked with his band.  He got serious, got married, settled down, had 1.5 children, moved to the suburbs, bought a house with a big mortgage.  (Not Shown:  his soul actually dying.)

And then, the day after he noticed his hair was thining and he had these wrinkles appearing around his eyes and he was getting up twice a night to use the bathroom, he went out and bought himself- a flashy red Mazda.  Groan.

(Not Shown- though I really wish it was:  Mazda guy cheating with the babysitter, handing half his income to his wife in the settlement, and wrapping his new Douchemobile around a tree a few days later.  I mean, might as well complete the cliche', right?)

When you're an admaker for Geico, you make crappy commercials. It's what you do.

What the people who made this awful lump of obnoxious dumb know about little kids can fit comfortably into any sitcom.  In fact, what they know about little boys in general is clearly derived from watching way too many sitcoms.  It's the only explanation for their depiction of a "young forever" Peter Pan character as a crude, rude, boorish little creep played for laughs.

Oh yeah- and another thing that you do if you make commercials for Geico- you make commercials that have nothing to do with car insurance.  When was the last time you saw one which featured a car?

AT&T girl does it without a net OR a calculator

1.  "You can get 15 gigs of data for the price of 10 so that's fifty percent more data."  Wow, thank you cute AT&T girl- gee, you'd think that a woman who obviously has a PhD in math would be able to land a better job than saleschoad at a cell phone store.   I guess I should thank you for not tearing a pretzel in half in this ad.

2.  This guy couldn't just tell cute AT&T girl that he wanted more data- he had to invent the "need" for more data for his son.  And I have no idea why.  When was the last time anyone looked down on someone who claimed to "need" more data?  I thought we were all supposed to be chasing as much data as possible.   This guy sounds almost ashamed.

3.  This guy's wife has the same "yep, this is what I married and gave my life to" look on her face as every other woman in every other commercial.  I don't blame any of them, but it is kind of odd that commercial writers always feel the need to acknowledge that they are depicting guys as morons by also showing their spouses as defeated, deflated and resigned to the situation they got themselves into.

4.  One more thing about this guy- I can't get be assured of a date on any given Saturday night, but this guy found someone willing to have his child?  What the hell is the matter with you, Society???

LegalZoom- yeah, I'd totally trust these guys with legal matters. Totally.

1.  There has never in the history of television been a persuasive commercial which features half a dozen people saying something that could be said by one person.  I really don't care to be greeted with "hi" from a series of total strangers.  Just get to the f--ing point already.

2,  I know what a robot is.  Don't need you to demonstrate it to me.  Having insulted me once with all the stupid "hi's," you are doubling down with this crap.  Don't know you.  Don't care about you.  Don't want you to show me what you think a robot is.

3.  I guess this is what you do when you have nothing to sell, because I sure didn't hear much of anything about the product, and I don't remember anything about the commercial except that it irritated me.  Great job, LegalZoom.

More of GE's Condescending Crap

Quick Quiz:  What is the most repulsive aspect to this latest chapter in the "GE:  We Hire Geeks And Are Not Particularly Proud Of It" ad campaign?

A.  The grizzled coal miner just-back-from-beers-at-the-Union-Hall sitting on the couch waxing poetic about grampa and his Beloved Hammer (because who doesn't treasure the blunt instrument one uses to perform an unskilled labor job until crippled by a hernia or a cave-in?)  He's pretty awful if only for the reason that he seems to be dissapointed that his greasy geek son is achieving what I thought was the American Dream- to have your kids do better than you do.

Or

B.  The greasy, overly styled Eurotrash creep son who has to look as if he'd shatter if he tripped and fell on the sidewalk and who, like his compatriots in the other GE commercials, acts as if he's completely incapable of explaining to us non-engineer lessers exactly what he's going to be doing and why it's so much more productive and Better than what grampa did with that hammer?

Hint:  There's no Wrong Answer.

GE doesn't stand for "Good Enough," I guess.

I'm a history teacher- one of several at my school.  If I were this guy, I'd be telling my friends and family that I teach every class at my school while simultaneously running the payroll department and handling all parent-teacher relationships as well as handling all repairs.  Seriously, this jackass is so miserable at the prospect of working for GE that he has to try to convince his loser friends and family that he's basically going to be responsible for the running of the entire freaking company?  What kind of insecurity is being exhibited here?

On the other hand, if he is proud of the job he actually got and not the one he's fantasizing/lying about, why does he give a fat rat's ass what his slacker loser family and friends think?  "Hey, I'm working for GE- which means I can expect to bring home a decent paycheck every two weeks.  When you slack-jawed yokels can keep the lights on without hitting the Money Store for a payday loan and stop getting all your furniture from Rent-A-Center, you can snark on my job.  Until then, kiss my ass and check out my new car."

I get the feeling that these drooling white trash idiots save their admiration for the brother-in-law who just got promoted to Assistant Manager at PapaJohns and gets to bring the leftovers home after working the 6PM- 2AM shift.  It's pizza for breakfast every other day at his place, freakin' awesome man!

Works until you realize he bought a KIA.

I'm sorry, but I really don't get this ad at all.  A son tells his father that he quit his job and then sold all his stuff so he could buy a car and drive across the country.  I do understand that the punchline is the father totally understanding, wishing he had been so juvenile and irresponsible, and goes along for the ride (which I'm pretty sure wasn't part of the son's plan.  Though judging from the look on this idiot's face as dad slurps at his Big Gulp, maybe I'm wrong- maybe Dad and his wallet were a very, very important part of his plan all along.)

That's all there is, right?

Well, if that's the case, shouldn't the tagline of this commercial be "KIA- It's the car Idiots With No Sense Drive?"  Or how about "KIA- When you're an aimless moron with a rich dad to fall back on?"

If I were the dad, the first question I'd ask is "um, why a KIA?"  The second I'd ask is "why are you telling me this?  Judging by the facial hair, you seem to be an adult. As long as you aren't asking me to finance your extremely early midlife crisis, why tell me?"

"And by the way, if you ARE asking me to finance this, you know where the door is.  I'll wrap up this sandwich and you can eat it on the road."

But at 7-11 I can pick up a Big Gulp and do my investing at the same time

As near as I can tell, the people in this ad were taken in by the fake broker because he used what to them were impressive terms like "401k" and "Asset Management."  I'm giving them a little credit- maybe it was the use of the word "Retirement" that won them over- or the glass doors to his office.

Whatever it was, this is just another of a long line of ads which aims at the less than 10 percent of Americans who find themselves with a little bit of money at the end of each month and actually want to try to grow it for the future instead of going for the bigger Data Plan Package or treating VISA to something other than the minimum monthly payment.   Not the kind of people who think that they are doing something amazingly smart by setting up a college fund with a company that makes baby food, or who think being financially wise involves taking advantage of every Buy One Get One Free deal at McDonald's.  Because they don't have any cash to hand over to actual brokers or DJs beyond that $2 per week they use to invest in the Powerball.

So good luck in your quest to get your share of the Extra Money very, very few Americans have these days, CFP.  With Voya, Edward Jones, Morgan Stanley, etc. out there chasing the same diminishing group of people who are doing better than just getting by and just keeping up, you've got a tough job ahead of you.   I guess that explains these stupid ads.  They don't put any more money in our pockets, but hell- neither do ads for the iPhone6, and lots of people on the margins were apparently willing to ignore the reality of their financial situation to line up to buy that Just Because.

Old Spice gives society a gigantic middle finger

This wall of noise is too stupid to even comment on.  The YouTube commentators who approve of it are beneath contempt and beyond snark.  Everyone involved in it's making deserve to die a slow, horrible death.  It's ok with me if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow, because that will mean I'll be spared of ever, ever having to see this painful nub of an ad again.

Nissan Rogue craps all over a classic song. Nothing new here

Lily-white suburban jackasses race eachother home from the airport in their whitebread Nissan Rogues, checking out who can get back to the Made of Ticky-Tacky plywood palace first.  Because Family, don't you know.

For some reason- probably because the people who wrote this awful ad have no sense of dignity or respect- it's all played to the song "War."

Lily-white jackasses end in a tie again, despite the best efforts of both to drive dangerously fast down crowded streets and construction sites in order to...um, avoid being the one who makes the hot dogs and potato salad, I guess.

All in good fun, since apparently nobody actually died during the contest.  The only casualties were, again, dignity and respect.  Oh, and basic decency.  F--you, Nissan.

This woman's universe is in ruins for several seconds, until she remembers she has Clorox

Another commercial featuring a woman standing in the middle of a gleaming-white kitchen/auditorium (seriously, check out the acoustics!) which is considerably larger than my apartment, complaining because Oh Look There's a Brown Spot Which Totally Distracts from the Retina-Destroying Whiteness of My Enormous White Kitchen.  Thank goodness for Clorox, because with a few squirts of a toxic chemical, her life can go back to being Impossibly Clean and White in just a few moments.

Yes, all praise to Clorox, which bleaches our world back to the way it's Supposed To Be.  I suspect this woman did not read the Not To Be Taken Internally disclaimer.

I bet this guy won't come in on Thanksgiving, either. Talk about ungrateful!

"When did leaving work on time become an act of courage?"  Well, it started during the 1980s, when the gutting of the Middle Class became Job No. 1 for our "representative" government, which basically represents the Lords of Capitalism and no one else.   But since that's not really the message of this commercial....

Clearly this guy IS the only worker in the city who actually leaves work on time, because he's got every street to himself.  He's literally the ONLY person on the road.  So everyone works until 6 PM now?  Suddenly I appreciate my job even more than I already did.

And as long as everyone else in the city is just going to stare at his car as he drives home to his Suburban McMansion to catch his wife nailing the guy who drives the ice cream truck because she didn't expect Hubby to be home so early, why don't they just go home?  They aren't getting any work done anyway.

Were you expecting Kate Upton?

Well, sorry, boys (and I do mean BOYS.)  You don't get a commercial starring Kate Upton's breasts this time.  Instead, you get Mariah Carey.  Call her the Budget Kate Upton.

Or better yet, take this commercial as the message echoing in your head that you've been ignoring for years that keeps telling you to grow the f-- up, put away your stupid video games, and join the world of adults, fresh air and sunshine.  There are lakes to swim, mountains to climb, and actual friends to talk to out there (and by "talk to," I mean actually TALK TO- texting and tweeting don't count, sorry.)

In short, it's time to stop being an incurable adolescent and move on.  Enough with the "mature" time-suckers in which you pretend to be a spy, soldier, barbarian, knight or wizard.  Playtime is over.  Take your dog for a walk.  Get reacquainted with that woman you somehow conned into marrying your sorry, pathetic ass.  Get a life.  Believe me, it's time.

Just a thought, T-Mobile...

Maybe I'd be sold on buying one of your stupid phones if every single one of your commercials did not feature idiot twentysomethings prancing around like they just won the freaking lottery or otherwise have discovered OMIGOD LIFE IS AMAZING CAUSE CHECK OUT MY PHONE and not actually doing anything with their best friends--err, cell phones--as they jump in the air, run down alleys, perform live on stage or all the other things people do THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH PHONES.

Oh, and what does T-Mobile have against Montana?  I mean, that's different from what everyone else has against Montana?

Now made with 30% less lead

"When the temperature starts falling and the air starts to turn nice and crisp, that's when I know Fall* Has Arrived."

"I am not an actress, as you can probably tell by my ridiculously stilted speech.  I am the designer of Pioneer Woman, a set of dishes, flatware and garishly decorated other crap women with no taste can use to add clashing colors to the place where they spend pretty much all of their lives while the children are at school, the kitchen."

"Because my brain is stuck permanently in the 1950s, I know that what women want most is to stay in that room and bake cakes and pies and cassaroles and then serve them to the Men and Children who make up the center of their universe.  This guady crap, made in some of the nicest factories in China, makes the whole situation just that much more fun."

"What any of this sexist retro bs has to do with a 'Pioneer Woman,' well don't ask me, I'm just a girl!  Which reminds me, I think my cookies are done!"

("Fall" not available in all areas.)

These DraftKings Commercials are getting longer, and sadder

(Not shown: the 99.9% of players who lost their cash.  Hmm, I guess DraftKings didn't have quite enough cameras available to be trained on them.  Just enough to be ready to coincidentally capture the "spontaneous" moment the other one-thousandth of one percent when they realized they would be able to pay rent- and continue to play DraftKings- for a while longer before finding another way to part with their money.)

I thought about posting the TEN MINUTE VERSION of this ad for commentary, but I decided that I have few enough regular visitors to this blog.   Plus, I couldn't get through it- way too depressing- so why would I ask anyone else to?

"Compete against your friends, compete against your family..." yes, that's a great idea.  Get everyone you know and love sharing your pathetic gambling addiction.  That way they'll understand why you always seem so distracted, angry, upset, and in need of a few bucks to tide you over until next payday.  Of course, they'll be in the same boat, so maybe it's not such a great idea to sell them on the idea of DraftKings.  You'll have to borrow from someone, after all- so you'll want as many financially solvent people in your lives as possible.

This is especially true when you realize that the thrill of Talkin' Smack (ugh, is every guy in the United States a perpetual teenager?) isn't really all it's cracked up to be when your wallet is always empty.  At some point  you're going to want those people you bored out of their minds with your addiction to give a damn about you (they are also going to figure out pretty quick that there are only two versions of you- the Talkin' Smack version, which shows up every few weeks when you've managed to win a little money, and the Quiet Subdued version, which is the Default You because hey, moron, you are going to lose a LOT more often than you win.

Listening to these pathetic losers talk about how exciting DraftKings makes football (which of course used to be soooo boring with all the hanging out with friends eating junk food, drinking beer, and cheering and screaming and crying at the tv set) really puts a damper on actually WATCHING football.  Commercials for this "product" (with it's virtually-invisible "play responsibly" disclaimer) are as ubiquitous as any car or cellphone ad.  I think I'd rather see some self-satisfied douche with four-days growth cruising around in his Audi than this; at least he wasted his money on something that lets him show well to his fellow douche friends.*

*I'd love to see a study which shows the average yearly income of people who participate in DraftKigns.  I'm guessing it's around $35,000 and like all gambling, it's generally being done by the people who can least afford to be stupid with money.  There really ought to be a law.

(BTW, I heard a new commercial for Powerball the other day.  The tagline was "OMG someone has to win- who has a better chance than you?"  I wish I were kidding.)

This Edward Jones guy has space issues

This guy's Edward Jones broker knew that one of his clients was going to visit a prospective college with his daughter.

Not only that, but he also knows there's a list of colleges they are considering.*

Did Dad really call his broker from campus to ask if it's ok if he's considering sending his daughter to a particular college?  Seriously?

I can so relate to this.  The other day I called by Voya broker, who used to be my ING broker and before that was my Edward Jones broker- to sheepishly suggest to her that I was strongly considering ordering takeout at a chinese restaurant.  I just kind of wanted reassurance that I wasn't getting in over my head concerning my currrent retirement fund status.

She told me to put the menu down and walk out.

*Once Dad replied "you remembered that, too" I thought there's no way this call ends without Dad telling his broker "love you" before hanging up.

The iPhone6- what hasn't changed

1.  That amazing phone you were told you absolutely had to have if you wanted to be a happy person who showed well for your friends six months ago is No Longer Good Enough, just like the four phones you were in love with for a few months each over the last three years before that one.

2.  The iPhone6 has a few improved bells and whistles you probably won't ever use, but that doesn't matter because- well, see No. 1.  It's The Latest Phone so you Have to Have It.

3.  You'll continue to spend an increasingly large percentage of your life squinting at a glowing screen, asking a disembodied voice questions, and basically becoming dependent on an electronic box for pretty much everything you want....errr, "need."

4.  You'll continue to spend less time with people and more time with movies and television. But hey you're more connected than ever because check out your data plan and your Facebook Friends Counter.

5. You've misplaced several hundred dollars again.  Seems to happen every six months or so.

Stalker preseason training, brought to you by Fitbit

Remember those Powerbar commercials featuring athletes telling us "this is how I get ready for the preseason?"  I think they still pop up now and then but I recall the 1990s versions when I see this ad for Fitbit.

As near as I can tell, this hairy, out-of-shape slob would really like to nail that hot and fit girl who seductively jogs past his apartment every day (probably doesn't even realize what a floozy she's being, the evil, balanced diet-consuming, steady heartbeat-maintaining little temptress!)  The trouble is, he can't catch her because- well, you know- Cheetos, beer and weekends in front of the computer playing fantasy football, weekdays sitting in a cubicle texting.

So hairy creep dedicates himself to getting into shape so he can catch up to the hot athletic girl he isn't currently good enough for and-- um, well, I'm not sure.  He's not wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out of it, so I don't think he's going to be asked to engage in a dance competition.   I don't know what his endgame is, because even when manages to (briefly) catch up to her, he doesn't take the opportunity to introduce himself or start a conversation (of course, that could be because his lungs are lodged in the lower part of his throat and speech simply isn't possible without a whole lot of unattractive weezing.)

Cute jogging girl responds by attempting to kill him by climbing what I think is a rather famous set of steps in San Francisco that lead to Coit Tower (they look familiar?)  Her message seems to be

A.  I really don't like you.  Leave me alone.
B.  Want me?  You're going to have to work even harder.  or
C.  I know how to get rid of you.  I'll make you run up these steps until your heart finally explodes.

In any case, this is kind of a creepy ad.  I've never met a woman who would find it at all charming to have a total stranger repeatedly attempt to join her in her daily run.  It strikes me as intrusive and weird and not even something I would do- though I must say, this girl definitely looks like she's worth a little effort.  Just not this guy's version of effort.

Come to think of it, there's simply no way that this girl doesn't already have a boyfriend (or a girlfriend) - one who actually knows her name and shares her interests.  I mean, she's cute and young and athletic.  Girls like that don't need to count on meeting random strangers who can keep up with them on their daily runs.  This guy acts like she's spraying pheromones.

And one more thing- "follow your heart?"  It's not this guy's heart that is forcing him to follow this girl.  You have to look a little lower to find the driving force behind this guy's newly-discovered interest in fitness.

It's not a Phone, it's a Attention Vampire and a drug you're clearly addicted to

(Wasted Moments of Life Not Refundable.)

I wonder how many idiots who think that this commercial is LOL AMAZING ever stop to think that there's a real universe out there with real bugs and caterpillars that turn into butterflies, and that these amazing things don't just exist on overpriced toys you can carry around with you like a techno-addicted jackass.

My guess is that there are plenty of people out there who think that "High-Definition" is only accomplished by using expensive screens and is not available using....um...human eyes.  And have no idea that there's a great big beautiful world out there to be seen with those very same eyes if they'd only pry them away from their stupid phones every once in a while.

Oh, but please, life-wasting losers:  Get your fellow iPhone dweeb loser "friends" together and make your own version of this ad.  Take an afternoon for it.  You weren't going to be doing anything with that time, anyway.  Just do me a favor, ok?  Take a break from your Amazing Creativity when you are operating a motor vehicle. Just watch the damned road.  Sure, we'll all suffer a bit waiting for your wonderful contribution to the world of Image Sharing, but it will be worth it to get home in one piece.

DraftKings Presents: The First Day of the Rest of your Life

The only fantasy this guy should be having is finding himself a life and an actual reason to get up in the morning.  Because fantasy football as your guiding force and reason for being?  Calling that "sad" would be an insult to the word "sad."  Hell, I don't even think "pathetic" would suffice.

How does DraftKings work?  Well, it's gambling, pure and simple, so let's just skip to "how does organized gambling work?"  Pretty basic:  A large population risks money.  A very tiny sliver of that large population collects money for their risk.  A much, MUCH larger portion loses money (and some percentage of that large portion goes on to risk more money, lose again, develop an addiction, and end up with really big problems involving friends, family, and creditors.)  The very tiny sliver of winners are given a ton of attention.  The very  large population of losers are given no attention at all- in fact, as far as advertising agencies working for companies like DraftKings (and State Lotteries, which are the biggest scumbags of all in my humble opinion) are concerned, they simply don't exist.  Everyone's A Winner, except of course for the 99.9% who aren't.

(There's another one of these ads in which a guy calls winning at DraftKings "the greatest adrenelin rush there is."  Which makes him the SADDEST HUMAN BEING EVER.  Seriously, GET A DATE YOU IDIOT!)

Someone wake up Webster.  He's got to come up with a new word for this level of meaninglessness.

I've got your translation, Luvs!

"Second kid:  You're tired of caring.  Whatever allows you to get out of the house will do."

"Third kid:  A bowl of kibble and another bowl of water on the kitchen floor works.  If you've planned them out right, the First kid can babysit."

Luv's "the more kids you have, the less you really give a damn" ad campaign makes me happy.  I don't know why.  Not even the Typical TV Land Gleaming White House That Guy Who Gets You Pregnant Every Few Years But Is Oddly Never Around Bought You With bothers me this time.

This McDonalds Ad's Lost Dialogue

"What's this?  Oh, how nice- a greasy, cold sandwich you picked up at the McDonalds drive-thru twenty minutes ago.  Aren't you all that and a bag of chips.  Gosh, what did I do to deserve an awesome guy like you?"

"I mean, I could have made a bad choice and married someone who made enough money so I wouldn't have to work 8-hour shifts at a freaking toll booth, breathing in carbon monoxide all day, grateful to be handed a soggy sandwich straight off the dollar menu at McDonalds.  Wouldn't that have been awful- to live in a nice house like those people in all the commercials who actually have time to eat breakfast at home instead of in an f---ing booth where they are being handed money from germy idiots who still haven't figured out what EZPASS stands for!"

"And oh, thanks for saving paper by not picking me up a napkin- there's plenty of running water in this walk-in closet I spend every day in.  And speaking of water, what am I supposed to wash this salty crap down with?  What, a $1 cup of coffee not in the budget, Mr. I'll Provide For You I Promise?"

"BTW, you didn't have to take 'For Better or For Worse' literally.  I sure didn't.  First guy who offers me something more appetizing than this sandwich, I'm jumping in his car and never looking back.  'See you at home?'  Maybe.  But don't be so damned sure, Mr. Born Romantic Big Spender."

Wait 'til they note the spike in Brie prices at Whole Foods!

Dear Verizon,

This commercial would be slightly more believable if I could buy the idea that anyone in it really gave a damn if their cable bill went up by $20 or $50 or even $100 per month.  I mean, maybe if you showed me people living in an apartment, or a trailer, or even in an f---ing modest home and not a surburban palace (one of these guys is hosting an f--ing POOL PARTY when he gets "blindsided" by a bill increase, for crying out loud!  These people are concerned about cable bills?  Yeah, I'm so sure.)

On the other hand, I'd like to thank you for not being the company that continues to harrass me with DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT ear-bleeding crud ads.  It's not much, but I really do want to make a point of mentioning that you had nothing to do with that.

One more thing- I'd also like to thank you for feeling so threatened by DISH IS HOW YOU DO IT that you gave me a nice discount on MY cable bill just because I called and warned I might switch.  Hey, maybe I should be thanking Dish.  Not going to, though.

Peyton Manning sure has a lot of time on his hands- not to mention a lot of space for more rings.

"Does Peyton ever talk?" Yes, he is talking all the time.  He kind of has to talk, considering that he's the star of roughly 80% of all commercials running during NFL games.

The better question is "Does Peyton ever do anything else?"  And the answer is, "yes, he sure does.  Very often he likes to take a break from starring in commercials to kick back, relax, and watch Tom Brady win another Superbowl Ring."

Which leads us to one more question: "Who is Tom Brady?"  And the answer is "he's the quarterback of the New England Patriots.  You might not know much about him because he doesn't star in a lot of commercials- he leaves that to guys like Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers, and other quarterbacks who don't regularly win Superbowls.  If you want to see Brady playing a starring role on your TV, you have to wait until February.  Then you'll recognize him- he's the guy holding that big trophy."

"Peyton Manning?  He's the guy shilling for pizza when the network cuts away from Brady holding that big trophy."

Another "Old People And Their Silly Problems Sure Are Silly" Commercial

aaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

(pause, deep breath)

AAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahhaaha!!

Full Disclosure;  My dad uses a cane.  Well, sort of- actually, he OWNS a cane which he would use more often, if he and it were ever in the same place at the same time.  But that's rarely the case- usually the cane is in the car while he's in the living room, or it's hanging on a chair in the kitchen while he's in the computer room on the other side of the house.  Sometimes it's on the tractor.  Sometimes it's hanging on a shopping cart at the store he visited earlier that day.

And his cane isn't small.  It's a full cane, which means it's more than just a handle.  So though it's always getting lost, it's also always being found.  I love the "fits easily in the glove compartment" line-- yes, of course it does.  Doesn't mean it's ever actually going to be put there.  Much more likely it's going to end up on the floor, where Gimpy Gus can't find it or reach it.

"Mom, why aren't you using that Amazing Not-Cane I got you?"  "Oh, I don't know where it is.  It's somewhere.  Maybe you could look for it if you get a chance, but it's no hurry, really."

If it was just a handle, I think it would be used once and then never seen again.  If you buy this thing for the old person in your life, better buy about a hundred of them- or put one of those tile things on it so you can use your phone to find it every fifteen minutes or so.  And I do mean YOUR phone, because your parents aren't using SmartPhones and have no idea what Apps are.

Of course, I'm being optimistic when I predict that the Amazing Cane Handle will just get lost all the time.  It's more likely it will used again and again and again, each time doing terrific damage to your parent's car as it's left in the door while it's being slammed-- again and again and again. Accompanied by loud curses.  Every single time.

BTW, if you can stand on the cane while it's attached to your car, why on Earth do you need to use one?  Seems to me that's pretty darned agile.  I don't get it.

"Um....the thing is, I'm kind of not interested in thoughtless idiots with moron friends, sorry."

1.  The guy in this ad has a lot more guts than I could ever hope to have, if he's calling the day after a date using a tablet.  The Next Day phone call is hard enough- to do it with actual, visual contact?  Pretty damned impressive.

2.  This woman is an absolute idiot to want to take this call in front of her friends.  She has no idea what this guy is going to say, first of all.  Second, is she going to let the guy know that their conversation is not private, but is being shared with her idiot friends?

3.  This guy gets a great red flag at the end, finding out exactly what kind of friends last night's date has.  Run away, buddy, run away.

Almost makes going to church seem like a good idea

How does any of this brain-dead crap contribute to society?  Between Chris "I comment on baseball for two weeks out of the year because World Series" Berman's Done To Death By The End of the 90s irritating noises schtick to Jim Crow-level shucking and jiving, this commerical just left me depressed, with a slight headache, and more determined than ever to just leave my television off until 1 PM Sundays at the very earliest.

(In fact, I am beginning to discover the joys of listening to the one game broadcast over XM/Sirius on my old non-NFL XM package as I walk.  Exercise, fresh air, and no Chris Berman or badly-disguised racism in sight.  Perfect.)

SimpliParanoid

"Your connection to emergency services can't be cut because SimpliSafe doesn't rely on landlines."

Seriously?  I thought burglars just waited for you to leave the house before breaking a window and stealing your stuff.  I didn't know that they were elite squads of terrorists who did things like cut landlines before invading and holding your family hostage.  And what good does cutting landlines do anyway in the age of cellphones?  What am I missing here?

Isn't this all about striking terror into the hearts of freakishly skittish suburban white jackasses who can't believe they own big houses, know damn well they don't deserve them, and live in a constant state of guilt that Those Other People are going to hit back hard some night in the perhaps not-to-distant future?  I mean, if you find yourself investing in a home security system that is immune to having your landline cut, you are one step away from investing in a Safe Room and Glenn Beck Collapse of Society Survival Kits.  My guess is that you've probably watched too many Die Hard movies and ought to just invite Stephen Seagal to sleep on your couch.

"In this same universe, at a time which now seems far, far away..." Walmart gets Star Wars wrong

"You see, there were these knights called Jedi.  All they needed to be Jedi was to dedicate themselves to protecting the Republic and undergo serious training at the hands of Jedi Masters.  Those Jedi Masters had a habit of insisting that the potential trainee was 'too old to begin the training' no matter how old they were, but were also proven wrong on every occassion...

"This for example allowed a simple farmboy with a lust for adventure and a yearning to find purpose in his life to become a Jedi very late in life (in his early-20s) after meeting a self-exiled Jedi Master in the desert, rescuing a princess, and completing that training with the help of another self-exiled Jedi Master, finally confronting his dark side in a climax featuring a battle with his fallen father.  In the meantime two Death Stars are destroyed, friendships are forged, and the Empire is brought down by the forces of Good."

"Afterwards, there are three horrible films you need not ever watch, and are by no means recommended unless you want what I just taught you to be totally and horribly retconned.  For example, you'd learn that determination and pluck and devotion have nothing to do with becoming a Jedi after all-- it really just depends on how many 'Miticlorions" you have in your blood.  If you don't have enough, sorry- doesn't matter how pure and big your heart is, or how sincere your determination is, you are out of the club because you don't have the right blood type.   You would also learn that in the age before the original Star Wars films technology was BETTER than it would be later, people moved and acted in a bizarre wooden manner, Jedi didn't do anything more strenuous than sitting around in semicircles pondering their own awesomeness until it was way too late to do anything else, children were called 'younglings' and R2D2 could fly (never mind that that skill would have come in handy several times during the first three movies.)"

"And never forget this important lesson, my child:  R2D2 and C3P0 do not have an 'origin story,' because machines don't need origin stories, Han Solo fired first (just as you can see on my original VHS tape, don't watch the DVD version because it's non-canonical,) and there is no such thing as a Jar Jar Binks."

Little Caesar's knows it's audience

No, not Crazy Cat People- though anyone who would own this many cats certainly is crazy, and I can't imagine having an appetite ever if I had to live with all those cats.  I don't want to live with even ONE cat.   Ugh, turns my stomach to think about it.

By "knows it's audience," I mean knows that people who are dumb enough to spend good money on the cheap, mass-produced crud that makes up a Little Caesar's pizza are the same people who think that ordering a pizza online, "with those confusing passwords and stored credit card numbers," is too complicated to handle on a regular basis.  It's almost frightening to think where we are going as a society when ordering a pizza online- which was sold to us as pretty damned close to miraculously wonderful about fifteen minutes ago- is now described as "too complicated."

Meanwhile....I wonder how many kitty litter boxes this guy has?  Never mind- again, I don't even want to think about it.

Here's a Michelob ULTRA POINTLESS commercial I wouldn't mind dropping into the stump grinder....

"We have really stupid names for our really stupid clubs.  One of those names is actually kind of insulting- 'Freedom Hikers,' which sounds a lot like 'Freedom Riders,' except the 'Freedom Riders' were young people who rode throughout the segregated, viciously racist South risking their lives to stand up for the oppressed black population of the region and help them register to vote, while we just stumble around the woods for a few hours, whooping now and then for absolutely no reason, and then salute our Obvious Epicness with  heavy glass bottles of beer we dragged into the wilderness because hey, we're really cool but that doesnt' mean we're bright."

"Whatever we call ourselves, what we are is a group of Pretty White People looking for something to do before we start drinking really crappy, watered down swill we laughingly refer to as beer as we toast ourselves for being Pretty White People who are, by the way, really awesome because we like to have fun."

(Editor's Note: "What really brought us together...is what keeps us coming back."  Yep, I get it- each of these groups is made up of a bunch of young alcoholics who decided that they really ought to be doing something more with their lives than getting drunk in front of  a giant screen at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday afternoon.  So they decided to wedge in some non-drinking activity like hiking or running or swimming that would consume a few hours and allow them to pretend that the drinking part was just the wrap-up of a nice day and not the actual goal.  That final line kind of kills this idea, though- the narrator tells us straight out that the reason these people continue to engage in hiking, swimming, running, etc. is because of the promised beer at the end of the day.  Kind of sad- but at least they get outside for a while.  And none of these activities are going to be practical once the weather cools down; coincidentally, that also signals football season, and Buffalo Wild Wings awaits....)

Hey, it's that song you gagged on back in the 70s. With a Nissan!

As near as I can tell through one viewing of this gigantic smarmy steaming pile of manipulative tripe, Dad is a NASCAR driver who got married, had a son, and then went on a 17-year race circuit in which he never, ever came home not even once and his only contact with his son was some kind of failed mind meld which could only be attempted because his abandoned wife inexplicably allowed the kid to watch Daddy Almost Get Killed For the Entertainment of Screaming Rubes live every Saturday afternoon.

Oh, and one day dad showed up in a Nissan outside his kid's school, and his kid got into the car because he recognized dad from television.

That's all there is, right?