Air Wick's sloppy Valentine to itself is downright cringe-worthy

(Warning:  This ad may be used to induce vomiting.)

I only got through the first minute and a half of this glurge- then I noticed that it was going to go on for another two minutes, and (very wisely, I think) said to myself "to hell with this," clicked pause, clicked Embed, and went to work.  I do know that the guy here is supposed to be in the military stationed in Qatar, yet he's got a wife and six kids living in a mansion back in North Carolina - which means "in the military" translates to "Halliburton Contractor."  And that his wife uses framed photographs as wallpaper.

And that 11 months into his deployment, people tell him "how do you do it, you're in the military, you're a hero" apparently to set up his favorite punchline, "no, my wife is the hero..." Awwwww aren't you something?  I actually agree with you- she's the one raising six kids while you wander around a non-combat zone thinking about people calling you a hero (and why DO people call you a hero, anyway?  Because you're in the military and that's a throwaway line to describe anyone in the military?  Or are you just BSing here?)

This giant dollop of sugary twee makes Apple and Audi commercials seem downright humble by comparison.  Apparently all the experiences of our childhoods- well, the smells, anyway- can be recalled through the proper application of chemicals conveniently squirted into the air by molded plastic containers that will still be in great shape, sitting in landfills, 100,000 years from now.

Maybe this is true if you grew up in a sterile suburb with lunatic parents who made sure that every minute of your life was slathered with Pine-Sol and Vick's Vapo-Rub, or if your mom was really great at warming up Mrs. Smith's frozen "apple" pies.  But if you are poor "unfortunate" like me and grew up in the country, don't expect to find the odors of your youth packaged and ready to be experienced with a touch of a button like this.  I don't think Air Wick is going to be producing the odor of a barn or a forest or a dirt road during the snow-melt flooding (what we in Vermont call "mud season") anytime soon- or if they try, it will be anything more than a spectacular fail (what these people think "pine" or "rain shower" smells like....ugh....)

(And no, I don't want to know what candles that "smell like my kids" smell like.  If you walk into someone's house and instantly "know they have kids," I don't get how that's a good thing. Better than "know they have unhousebroken dogs," but still, not a good thing.)

But I guess the idea here is that great distances can be crossed and life made bearable through the magic of artificial scenting.  I don't know how this "story" ends up- for the third time in as many days, I found myself unable to get through the first thirty seconds of one of these ridiculous mini-dramas which tend to show up on YouTube but (mercifully) rarely on television.  So I don't know if this guy actually gets back to his family, or they just find some level of connectivity through shared orafactory experiences, or what.  And I don't care.  I'm too busy trying to understand why someone put so much effort into such a stupid commercial for such an innoculous product.  Hey, Air Wick? Nobody buys your crap because they want to sniff their way to a Better Place.  The only reason anyone uses this stuff is because they are too lazy or busy to actually keep their living spaces clean and are trying to cover up that fact to themselves and their guests.  So spare us this maudlin crud in the future, ok?