Volkswagen brings Fail to a whole new level

Ok, forget the disgusting antics of these women attempting to pick up a guy half their age in a Volkswagen dealership by bleating lame innuendo that, if uttered by a guy at a bar, would get a drink thrown into his face. Once again I could point out that if you reverse the roles here and feature three old men tossing sleazy lines at a young female seller this ad probably gets rejected during production and never sees the light of day.  Because, you know, it's 2015.

Because the lines are being put into the mouths of elderly women, and are being directed at a guy who works at the dealership, it's not only stupid, but also very confusing- aren't these women customers?  Then why are they trying to sell the car instead of letting the salesman do that?

I could do an entire second post on all this, but I'm not going to bother.  I'm way too interested in getting an answer to just one question:

Why are elderly women, children, and animals ever used to sell anything that is not specifically geared to elderly women, children, or animals?  I just don't get it, and I never have.

A peak into Toyota's Fantasy Showroom

I'm certain that if it could, Toyota would gladly swap out all of it's actual human salespeople- who, after all, get sick every once in a while, have to take coffee and bathrooom breaks, and engage in all of those other Not Pimping Cars With A Huge Fake Smile On their Faces activities- with holograms of chirpy idiot Jan Forever OD'ng on Starbucks, Five Hour Energy, Red Bull and Speed.  In fact, that's apparently what happened in this TV Land Toyota- Virtual Reality Jan gets to do all the work, and everyone who used to work here got shown the door.

I bet actual car salespeople really appreciate these commercials, and car commercials in general which always show drooling, super-eager customers who are blown away by every little buzzer and gadget and who are never really being talked into buying a car, just being shown the one that happens to be closest to the entrance so they can swoon for a few moments before pulling out their wallets.   Ads which made being a car salesman look like the easiest job on the planet were bad enough.  Ads which show the job being done by a lunatic with nothing more to do than escort customers across the room to The Perfect Car 'Cause Look Its Got WiFi have to be a thousand times worse.

What cave did this woman grow up in?

Sometimes, I can't get past one line in an ad.  Here's the line I can't get past this time:  "A sleeping cream.  That's a new one."

Um, seriously?  Cream you apply to your skin at night is "a new one" for this woman?  Um, whatever.  I suspect that later in the day, she stared at amazement at cheese being added to hamburgers and chocolate sauce being added to ice cream.

I mean, really- where has this woman and her smashed-with-a-frying-pan sleepy-eyed face* been for the last several hundred years?  CLEOPATRA applied cream to her face for crissakes.

*what is with her face?  Is she supposed to be attractive?  Because I don't see it.

Highly Stupid Chevy Commercial

So is this a scene deleted from Saw, or what?

I like how these guys, who have just been caged and threatened by a lunatic, are instantly distracted by the "manly" Chevy truck.  Wow, talk about ADD.  "Sure you forced me into a cage and threatened me with being eaten by a grizzly for no reason I can comprehend, but man check out that shiny truck! That's manly!"

I don't want to know what's "manly" about this truck.  I just want to know that the very first thing these guys did with it was run over the smarmy psychopath who subjected them to this experience.

Not only is this ad not funny, it does nothing to make me want to buy the product being advertised, which I kind of thought was the whole freaking point of advertising in the first place.  All it makes me want to do is punch someone in the face.  And then maybe toss them into a steel cage.  With a grizzly bear.

The Value of Pointless Spending

This is why your kids' schools are falling apart.

And why your Social Security payments aren't certain to be there when you retire.

And why the deficit is so high.

And why we "can't afford" to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure.

And why we "can't afford" the kind of high-speed rail that exists in other countries- including countries that were reduced to rubble seventy years ago, one by atomic bombs.  Including countries that were once run by Never Get Anything Done Commies.

Because we have to buy showy, ridiculously expensive crap like this instead.

Both of these grinning idiots need to be beaten to death, right now

Hashtag just being honest.  Hashtag I hate the 21st century.  Hashtag the sooner the whole Hashtag thing is over the better.   Hashtag bite me, Honda.

Here's a News Flash for this whiny insurance user....

Nobody cares if you are "the poster child for paying your premiums on time."  That's what you are supposed to do.  Paying bills on time is a prerequisite for getting service without interruption.  This woman sounds like people who pay their premiums when they are due are worthy of special consideration.  She reminds me of students who think that they are entitled to a high grade because they have a good attendance record.  Um, no.

Then the commercial actually gets funny.  This woman segues from her pointless "people who pay their premiums on time are amazing" intro to express shock and disgust that insurance companies react to an accident by- get this- jacking up your rates!  OHMIGOSH, really?  Has the President been notified?

Her wide-eyed astonishment is downright funny here.  Um, this is what insurance companies DO, lady.  They take premiums and deliver "security" in return- and they have a captive audience, because if you own a car, you MUST buy insurance for it.  As long as you continue to pay and don't have a claim, they'll adore you, and they'll show how much by sending you a birthday card with your agent's business card stapled on the inside.  "Tap a bumper" and file a claim?  Now you've broken a covenant with that agent (how could you? He sent you a birthday card!!)  Now you are costing that insurance company money.  Maybe this particular company will provide "accident forgiveness" and not raise your rates the first time (especially if you just "tap someone's bumper") but don't expect that to keep up.  Those massive buildings and these commercials aren't free, you know.

Here's a tip to this stupid lady and all the other stupid people in these stupid commercials- if you "tap someone's bumper" or someone else taps your bumper,  just take your car to a mechanic and pay for it to get fixed.  Or just leave a dent in your bumper.  Save your insurance claims for the big accidents- you know, the ones that will get your rates raised or your insurance cancelled.  By the guy who sent you that nice birthday card.

What's the "Hidden Message" in this Walmart ad?

A commentator on YouTube suggests that there is a "hidden message" in this commercial.  I don't think the message is hidden.  I think it's pretty obvious.  The message is "this package from Walmart gives you the freedom to jabber away like a witless, cell phone-addicted idiot and that's a good thing."  Nothing hidden about it.

Oh, she's a black woman married to a white guy?  Is that what he's talking about?  So he thinks the hidden message is "mixed marriages are bad because they lead to shopping at Walmart and spending every waking moment yakking away like an obnoxious moron and thinking 'I can do this all day' is a GOOD thing?"  Seems kind of obscure.

Our Awesome Future, provided by Verizon....

These two women have gotten together for movie night, but because the host's internet connection is so slow, the movie won't load and they are reduced to painful, awkward, terribly uncomfortable attempts to make small talk while playing Scrabble.

Wow, they must be such great friends.  With no movie on a giant screen to distract them, they have no real clue what to do with themselves.  A game like Scrabble might have been fun and educational for their parents, but we've got Connectivity now- or, at least, we're supposed to.  And just talking over coffee or a few glasses of wine?  Maybe that worked as a regular weekly thing once- but hey, now it's all about TV TV TV.

I'm going to assume that this woman's internet connect is really bad, because neither of them are retreating to their laptops or even phones.   So they are trapped in this terrible situation, with absolutely nothing to break the agony because oh my god the electronics have failed us.  It's like they are two hunter-gatherers sitting around a fire after taking down a mammoth.  Except that the hunter-gatherers had stuff to talk about, of course- boring stuff that didn't involve downloading, the losers.

Giving up any idea that these women might just forget the damn tv and just start chatting (TO EACHOTHER, IN PERSON,) wouldn't popping in a DVD at least partially solve this problem?  Or how about going OUT to see a movie?  I know it means going outside, but as long as you can't really stand to just BE together, wouldn't it be better than this?

Ok, who is the most insane person in this ad?

1.  Is it the younger woman, who lives in a house so filthy, and is so determined to hide that fact from Evil Mother In Law Cliche, that she spends an afternoon spraying the hell out of it with Febreze?  I mean, sure the house might not stink anymore, but isn't anyone going to notice how damp the pillows and curtains are?

2. Or is it Evil Never Satisfied Mother In Law Cliche, who proceeds to have a religious experience upon entering the Febreze-soaked house....and then attempts to consume the couch and drapes with her nose?  Ick- I mean, what the hell is that all about?

Dear first woman- you need to either keep your house clean (by which I mean, divide the cleaning chores up between yourself, your husband, and your kids) by actually CLEANING, because guess what?  Roaches don't care about Febreze.  And all you are teaching your family here (besides that mom is scared of Mom-in-Law) is that smelling clean is just as good as being clean.  Not a great message.

Dear second woman-- oh, never mind.  You're a lost cause.  Mom is pathetic, but Mom-in-Law....you're just gross.

One more Yes You Can and this guy gets shipped to Gitmo

I'm as liberal as they come, but.....

It would have been perfectly ok with me if the Department of Homeland Security had interrupted this pointless little "argument" by clubbing Mr. Yes You Can to death with billy clubs.  Or at least slamming his face into the x-ray machine, confiscating his passport, and sticking him on the No Fly List for the next thirty years.  Even though he does seem to be in the only airport in the United States featuring a "line" consisting of exactly four people at security.

Actually, I think that if this guy pulls one more "yes you can," that fourth person in line is going to do the clubbing honors.  I can only see part of her face and her elbow, but it looks like she's had just about enough of this conversation.

Another stupid man gets a well-deserved slapdown*

It's so funny when guys in commercials try to do things that don't involve cars, trucks, barbecues or killing weeds, don't you think?

This guy thought he was finally doing something right when he bought the bargain brand dishwashing detergent.  Hey look, honey, I'm saving us money!

Haha, loser.  Your wife is setting you back into your place and setting you straight- sure, you "saved" a little money, but now we have to use twice as much, Dumbass Why Don't You Stay In The Garage Until It's Time To Get Me Pregnant Again Idiot Man?  And now it's back to the store to buy what every woman knows is the GOOD detergent- bet you bump into a few other moron males who thought they could buy detergent too.  Jackass.

I bet this doofus even buys bread and clothes and tries to parent his kids every once in a while, and it always turns out badly because....hey, he's a guy.  Probably spends half his life apologizing for trying to act like he knows what he's doing.  If he would just stick to buying Round-Up and pickups, they'd both be better off.

*snark, of course.  Just imagine the roles being reversed in this ad, with the guy lecturing his wife and sending her back to the store.  Maybe in 1955.  Not today.

Three days later, someone's bloated corpse washes up on the beach, and the investigation begins

Personally, I think this guy should drive that SUV into the ocean and get this over with.

Failing that, however....

Is this guy used to being berated about taking the garbage out?  If so, why is he so damned happy about it?

Why is this woman thanking him for taking the garbage out?  Does he thank her for doing all of her chores?  And why is she so damned happy about "needing to talk?"  "Needing to talk" is never good news and is never anything to smile about.

Why is this woman so damned happy about applying for a Medicaid Supplement Plan (or Insurance or something- I don't know.  I don't care.  I just know it's not worth that Check Out My Dentures Smile?)  Is she on serious drugs, or what?

"Did you do your situps?"  Jeesh, lady- he looks like he's a retired man in his 70s who has enough testosterone to go kayaking, and enough money to own his own kayak which he can strap on the top of his SUV All By Himself, or at the very least with your help.  Situps?  He's about to row around in a kayak.  Is he in training for a triathalon?  It's not like you're asking if he took his heart meds or blood thinners.  He's about to row a freaking kayak!  Maybe he doesn't need to do situps today!

The guy responds to his wife's declaration "I think we need to look into spending more money" with a "right now?"  But we don't get an answer from the wife.  Next thing we know, she's moved on to nagging him about his situps.  So, did they get on their iPhone and order the extra coverage?  Or did they just agree to have this talk at a more appropriate time- like, when the guy isn't driving his SUV or getting ready to row a kayak?

Personally, I'd be a little worried if my spouse suddenly mentioned the need for more insurance just before we went out kayaking.  I wouldn't turn my back on her, that's all I'm saying.

They'll "grow up?" You mean, unlike their idiot parents, Microsoft?

So....our kids will be even more helpless, techno-obsessed dweebs than their parents?  Great.  Someone tell them- if they are smart, they'll delay moving beyond blankies and soft toys and on to "play with this electronic stuff because Mommy is really busy downloading Aps right now" junk as long as possible.

Oh, and they'll grow up with Windows 10- really?  Like kids two years ago were going to grow up with Windows 8?  Like Microsoft won't be apologizing for all of the bugs in Windows 10 this time next year, and by the time the infants and toddlers shown in this ad are heading off to preschool they won't be "growing up" with Windows 12?  We are supposed to believe this?

(BTW, what is with that last kid?  Is that supposed to be charming?  Because I found it a lot more creepy and weird than charming.)

Trying to understand this Miller Lite ad...

I mean, I should give it a shot since it's going to be on every commercial break during the Orioles-Tigers game this afternoon, right?

So this guy is heading off to do Karaoke - and feels compelled to let the convenience store know about it.  Before he goes, however, he needs to buy a six pack of light beer.

1.  Why?  Don't Karaoke bars serve beer?  He clearly doesn't need to drink a few beers before he works up the nerve to sing in front of an audience, since at the drop of a hat he'll belt out a line for a total stranger (who really needs that condescending smirk wiped off his face btw.)  Maybe it's for the audience, which might respond better to his crooning after a few beers?

2.  Am I supposed to think it's charming that the smarmy convenience store guy needs to know what they guy's plans are for the night?  Um, is this an f--ing store or not?  Ask for my ID, give me my change, mind your own g-d damned business, smarmy convenience story monkey.

As for the "let's hear some," um-- no.  Come to the bar and hear me sing there if you want.  I'm not your f--ng trained seal, knob.

3.  If this guy is going to do Karaoke, why would he be at all gobsmacked when a woman comes in during his idiot screeching?  Oh right- because he's not drunk yet?

4.  How is any of this supposed to make me thirsty for watered-down beer?

Meh, no.  I still don't get it.

Oh please....

1.  Groom discovers that everything isn't perfect for his wedding day- the ceremony had been planned for the top of a mountain, probably he and his bride's favorite spot on the planet, maybe even where they first met.  Considering the number of chairs, the plan was for a very, very small wedding and darn, it wouldn't you know it- while the weather was fine during set-up, by the time of the actual ceremony it was just pouring and windy as hell.

No problem- instead of showing any sign of being able to change plans, Groom just piles everyone attending the wedding- again, this is a VERY small wedding party- into his LookAtMeMobile, making it the first time ever he can actually justify owning the damn thing.  The Happy Couple get married exactly where they planned, never mind the rain coming in sideways and the chairs flying everywhere and the ring girl being tossed by the 80-MPH winds to her death (ok, so that's not actually shown, but still....)

2.  Bride thinks this is all wonderful.  Ok, stop right there.  I've been to plenty of weddings, and I've seen a lot of brides as they've prepared for weddings.  There is no freaking way that this woman is happy about this rain-soaked rush job.  Unless her new hubby has promised a do-over in a few months at some tropical or otherwise intensely exotic location, I'm not buying her reaction at all.  Jeesh, my fiancee almost killed her best friend because she didn't hurl herself out the window when she pricked her finger and drew blood while working on her dress.  Later, she threw a hissy fit when we got into the Just Married car and found that it had been playfully filled with balloons.  If it had rained during the ceremony, I'm sure she would have killed at least several people and blamed me for not willing the clouds away.  And our wedding was held INSIDE.

I'm surprised Chevy let them keep their clothes on

Know what the saddest thing is about this horrible lump of pain disguised as a commercial?

It's not the kid in the background banging on a toy piano during the whole thing, though that is pretty damned awful.  It's not that it's allegedly trying to sell us cars, and never you damn mind that 90 percent of it has absolutely nothing to do with cars at all.

It's not the Real People: Not Actors caption, though that's part of it.  I'm sorry to see that these people are not actors, because if they were acting, they'd have an excuse for this awfulness.

No, the saddest thing about this ad is that Chevrolet got a group of total strangers into a room, sat them down at a table with nametags, started asking them probing, embarressing questions about themselves so that they could be laughed at by the others- and not one of them responded by getting up and leaving.  Clearly, the cameras and the implied promise of facetime in a commercial for SOMETHING was enough to keep these soulless cretins in their seats,   It's almost frightening to think what the choad Chevy tool running this thing might have asked, knowing damn well that no level of humiliation and shame would have convinced these dignity-deficient bags of mucus to say "F--this" and just. Walk. Away.

Hope you enjoyed your moment in the --umm. "spotlight," you ugly nobodies.  Was it really worth it?