"Ok, I read my lines. Where's my money?"

Am I the only person out there who finds the Match.com spokeschoad in this ad one of the most unpleasant people on television?  I mean, he couldn't make it more clear that he absolutely hates this gig and couldn't actually give a damn if the guy he's accosting on the street actually tries Match.com.  He just wants to get his three sentences out so he can get back to the phone and ream out his agent some more.  I suspect that if the poor guy he decided to pick on replied "I'm not interested, see I have friends and they have friends and I can meet people in the normal, not-stupid ways that don't require me to pay a monthly fee to an internet site" he'd be risking serious injury.

BTW, I also find the "95% of people who try Match.com get second dates" pretty uncompelling.  Desperation will do that.  And speaking of desperate, if you are taking online dating advice from an angry stranger on the street, well--- you don't need me to describe desperate, do you?

Here's a better idea- therapy.

Don't blame me if you watched all three minutes of this awfulness- I didn't ask you to, after all.  Personally, I gave up after about forty seconds of this horrible woman's monotonous voice, which convinced me with each passing syllable that she was completely and utterly dead inside.

I mean, think about it- she's not interested in being healthy.  She's obsessed with causing her body considerable pain in an attempt to get rid of a little "bump" in her stomach area Oh It's So Frustrating.  Geesh, really?  Never mind a Flex Belt- wouldn't sitting down with a professional and discussing your lack of self-esteem and poor body image be more productive?

I gotta share this ad with my twitter followers before the light turns green.

If corporations weren't so damned powerful in this country, we might get to see public service ads like this on television instead of having to find them on YouTube.  Unfortunately, we who live in the United States will never get anything more edgy than "you can learn a lot from a dummy" and posters slapped on bus stops showing attractive people with tire tracks painted on their faces.

Maybe if we weren't so damned busy trying to jam our cars with distracting electronics ("traveling WiFi? Awesome, something to do while Cruise Control and warning cameras are getting me where I need to go without my active participation!") we wouldn't need commercials like this.  But we do.  Aren't going to get them, though.  They'd be too much of a downer.

Now back to the latest Hey Look Facebook on your dashboard commercial.  Much better.

Gotta struggle with something....

I'm sorry that this woman is suffering with diabetes- I have family members who manage theirs and I know it's an expensive pain in the butt.  But looking at her life, I can see that there are other things she could easily be suffering from, including

1.  Badly burned irises caused by living in a blindingly white world.  What the hell is going on here?  I know that in commercials everyone lives in houses with snow-white interiors (I think it has to do with making things easier on the camera crew and creating a distraction-free environment) but man what I would give to see a crumpled newspaper or dirty coffee cup SOMEWHERE in this ad.  And before she gets inside, she walks through a world that is every bit as bizarrely white and perfect on the street as in her living room.  This woman's world is disgustingly clean and glowing right down to her freaking dog.

2.  Deep confusion caused by the flood of confusing disclaimers concerning possible side effects. I think I know what a "site reaction" is.    Do I not know what any of this stuff means because I don't have diabetes?  What the hell are TZDs, for example?

3.  Deep confusion caused by the usual "don't do this without asking your doctor" stuff.  Isn't this medication available only through prescriptions?  Doesn't that kind of imply a conversation between patient and doctor which covers these warnings?  Who the hell would mix this medication with other insulins?  Diluting it I totally understand- watering down prescription liquids and chopping up pills  are just fringe benefits of our wonderful for-profit health care system.  But "Mixing it with other insulins?"  What the hell is that?

Some questions about this weird Symbicort ad

Why does the doctor in this ad sound exactly like the female voice featured in this program?



I mean, it's not like it's hard to get doctors to totally whore themselves out for pharmecutical companies.  Are the makers of Symbicort really this cheap?

Oh wait, what am I saying?  They decided to use a "grampa explains his serious medical condition to his grandchildren, who can't possibly understand any of this and just want him to finish the damn story" cliche.  So a robotic "doctor" bleating drug boilerplate should come as no surprise to anyone.  I do have one more question, though- is the grampa actually repeating all of this to his grandchildren?  What the hell?

A Girl, a Starter Guy, and a bottle of Downey.

I think it's sweet that this woman has finally managed to train her pet boy to do laundry, but I don't know why she just didn't date any one of the millions of guys out there who have been doing their own laundry for years and years.  Maybe she grew up watching commercials like this and just became convinced that laundry just isn't one of those things that "guys do," so when you find one who not only CAN do it but is WILLING to do it, by golly better hold on to that treasure with both hands, never mind that it's his only attractive quality.

(Seriously, what does she see in this guy?  Hey, lady- Match.com isn't perfect.  You kind of have to do a little studying on your own.)

Dealdash.com proves- in America, the sucker birth rate is skyrocketing

I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time dissecting this scam; I'll just hit the highlights:

1.  How stupid are people who use this site?  Almost unbelievably stupid, considering that before you sign up, you are required to click a box which confirms that you read a disclaimer which explains that when you use (actually, "play" is more accurate) dealdash.com, you understand that you are LIKELY TO LOSE MONEY.  Seriously- says it right there.  Dealdash.com tells potential "customers" that the "entertainment value" of the site, in the opinion of Dealdash.com, makes it worth it even if find yourself spending a lot of money for nothing.

In other words, it's a gambling site.

2.  There are several videos available on YouTube which describe exactly how Dealdash.com rigs it's "bidding" system to assure that Dealdash.com never actually sells high-priced products at a deep discount.  They simply bid up products to assure a profit or, failing that, buy back the products by "sniping" the "high bidder" at the last second.  But it's much worse than being sniped on Ebay, because at Dealdash.com you actually have to pay a fee FOR EACH BID WHETHER YOU WIN THE PRODUCT OR NOT.  Literally Money for Nothing.

Go ahead, look at the video I've embedded here, and then do a search of your own on YouTube under "Dealdash.com scam."  That is, if you aren't already sick of "almost" winning plasma tvs for $18 or Just Barely Losing at DraftKings.  In which case, you are probably a hopeless case anyway.

(BTW, check out two identical posts to Dawn's Totally Unbiased Review of Dealdash.com here.  Total Paid Troll Fail:)

Credit Repair-- again....here's how to make your situation even worse, and it's so easy!

I have a real love-hate relationship with companies like this.  I love their ads- they manage to use the cheesiest graphics and hire the most unconvincing actors (check out the young couple thrashing away in front of their laptop like they are watching a scary- or very funny- movie. More about them later.)  I hate their "service"- and I'll start my rant with that.

(Quick Disclaimer:  the following information is the result of research I've done.  I've never actually used any credit repair or tax evasion service, because I pay my bills and live within my means, crazy me.  I welcome any "corrections" if I get anything wrong here, 'cause I'm all about education.)

Here's how Credit Repair "services" generally work- the LEGITIMATE ones require a "one-time start up fee" called a "work fee" just to sign you up as a customer.  This fee generally runs between $25 and $50.  Then they go to work checking your credit report from the three reporting bureaus for "invalid" pings which may negatively effect your score (they have NO ability to go after the legitimate ones, so if you have a history of late payments or bankruptcies or defaults, these companies can do NOTHING for you, no matter they tell you in the radio ads and are careful NOT to claim in these tv versions.)

For each "invalid" report they get removed, you pay another fee- about $50 PER report PER reporting bureau (and remember, there are THREE of them, so we are talking $150 per bad report.)  And before you say "well, that might be worth it," please read the preceding paragraph again.  These companies can do NOTHING about the legit bad notices, which are the ones that are probably much more responsible for your lousy credit report.  So you may very well be finding yourself paying $150 to remove each ping and being rewarded with no change in your credit score.

That's the way LEGITIMATE companies work.  Believe it or not, if the company you hire only screws you over THIS much, you are better off than if you went to that other kind of "credit repair service" which actually charges you BY THE HOUR- meaning that you could end up getting a bill for hundreds or even thousands of dollars for the same pointless non-service or NO SERVICE AT ALL (after all, you will never, EVER get a guarantee of satisfaction from any of these people.)

Know what both the Legit and Truly Sleazy companies have in common?  They both offer a service you simply don't need if you are willing to spend some time on the phone with your creditors.  No credit card company, hospital, rental service, or any other organization you've had a bad history with* is unwilling to work with you on arranging a payment plan or removal of truly unfair notices on your credit score if you are honest about being willing to make those payments regularly.

Ok, back to that young couple, who were enjoying life in their spotless house, buying stuff online (note the credit card apparently glued to the hand) until suddenly confronted with the Its So Unfair bills.  These kids just want to get back to "buying the stuff they want," which I think got them in trouble in the first place.  I find them absolutely adorable.  And not in the least bit sympathetic.  Go to hell, stupid kids.

*the one exception I'll make is for Payday Lenders, who will NOT help you fix your credit score under ANY circumstances, because their business DEPENDS on your credit score staying very low.  I have no words strong enough for those vultures.

Paraphrasing Winston Churchill who, btw, would never touch this crap....

Never in the history of mankind has so much noise, so much chest-thumping, so much bragging and so much effort been expended in the service of so very, very little.

Seriously- I'm supposed to care that Budweiser WON'T LIVE BY THE RULES and isn't YOUR MOMMY'S PUMPKIN SPICE BEER YOU WUSSY and is clearly claiming to be THE BEER FOR REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN SO IF YOU AREN'T ONE DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO ORDER ONE OF THESE AWESOME M-FERS LOSER.   I don't- which means I guess I'm not in their customer base.  Which means I am supposed to be totally doubting my self-worth right about now.

I haven't had a Budweiser in years, but unless they've changed the recipe since then, this commercial doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. The message seems to be "Budweiser Goes Through A HELL OF A LOT to bring you a really, really mediocre beer!  So if you think you're good enough, head down to corner and pick yourself up a six-pack.  You can always find it, usually sitting right next to the good beer that isn't advertised with these KICK-ASS TESTOSTERONE-INFUSED COMMERCIALS!"

I feel bad about this, Budweiser, but I think I'll just keep passing on your product because- well, in the end, when I buy beer, I buy beer I actually want to drink.  Not beer that is made by a company which wants me to think that its production requires effort analogous to climbing Mt Everest with a keg- or at least, a pony keg- on your back.  Sorry you wasted so much time and effort.  If you want to just tell me I'm not good enough for your watery swill, I'll understand.

KFC really reached in this radio ad....

 I wish I could find more radio ads on YouTube, some of them are really snarkable.  I'd especially love to embed the ones for CPAP devices ( is there an epidemic, because there are suddenly a LOT of those ads) and the one for Rosetta Stone (yes, dammit, a bigger TV WOULD make me a better person, and now that I've answered you, please stop asking me during Every Freaking Commercial Break on SiriusXM.)

But since radio ads seem few and far between on YouTube, I'll just point out that this is a commercial for all-dark meat meals at KFC.  Which means it's a commercial urging people to celebrate Halloween by overpaying for boxes of scrawny deep-fried wings and legs.  I guess if you combine the impact this "food" will have on your arteries and your wallet, it is pretty scary, at that.

I'm SO glad that Safelight was there for this poor woman

Good freaking lord, how f---ng massive is this woman's house?  I find it very hard to believe that a woman with a spread like that in a suburb like this doesn't respond to seeing a crack in the windshield of her favorite SUV with something like "well, guess I gotta take the BMW today" rather than "Oh noes, a crack in my perfect life!  This might delay my weekly pedicure by an hour or so, woe is me!"

Seriously, was I really supposed to relate to this woman?

Let me see if I get this straight....

This deeply caring woman started working at an animal shelter.  She  decided to adopt an older dog (whose name is Bennie, I can hear even if the person who posted this can't) because "no one else wanted him."  He's an older dog, so he needs help from her "all day long" (so the dog basically stays at the shelter with her all day.)

Then this deeply caring woman suffered a flareup of her back pain, and "I was afraid I was going to have to give him away."  Um, say what?  You intentionally adopt an older dog who needs extra care, and as soon as you feel some pain in your back you think "maybe I should dump the dog which, btw, I've already noted nobody else wants?"  Jeesh, glad you tried an Aleve before getting the next door neighbor to put a bullet in it's brain at least, but man you were quick to consider nixing the whole dog thing fast, weren't you?

"Hey Sue, where's that dog you rescued? Bennie?"
"Oh, I loved Bennie!  But one day I felt a pain in my back, so I gave him away."
"Uh........"

It's great to be kind and loving, but to get credit for being kind and loving, it kind of requires that you stay kind and loving even when you've got a headache or a cold or a tweak in your back, lady.  Please do another animal a favor and stick with the one dog.  It's future is  precarious enough.

So with an Audi, you can pretend to be an astronaut? Why do overgrown children have all the money?

A former astronaut who is now an old man sits in a chair, paralyzed with memories of his lost youth and glory.  He won't eat.  He's obviously suffering from depression, but....

He doesn't need medication, he doesn't need therapy, and he certainly doesn't need someone to share his stories with.  He doesn't need to be reminded that he's got children and grandchildren.   He needs family that cares about him enough to realize that there is something very, very unhealthy in obsessing about the past, and to show him that life doesn't end at eighty (or whenever.)

He doesn't have that kind of family.  Instead, he's got a douchenozzle son who thinks that driving a tripped-up Audi might remind Dad of that spacecraft he commanded fifty years ago.  Personally, I wish Dad had asked his son something like "seriously?  Do you really think that when you drive this LookAtMeDouchemobile you are doing anything like traveling to the moon?  Are you kidding?"

Instead, this being a commercial, Dad is reminded of his glory days because he can cruise down the road in his son's Audi with it's glowing lights and showy, 90% utterly pointless bells and whistles.  Never mind that the spacecraft back in the '60s didn't have Facebook or WiFi or individually heated seats or multiple cameras and object detection with automatic braking that basically makes the driver of the Audi a sack of potatoes along for the ride.  Or that Son is really, really insulting Dad by suggesting that this Middle Finger On Wheels is a substitute for what Dad really misses- the danger and excitement that comes with adventure.

Maybe Dad is like the grandfather in The Red Pony, who has gone and on for so many years about traveling to the moon that his son has become a bitter, resentful, jealous jerk.  Son is going to show Dad how insignificant he truly is by having him drive a car which has more advanced technology in the sound system than in all of the Apollo spacecraft combined.   That would make this commercial even sadder.

Well, SOMETHING had to be intelligent here....

The woman driving the Audi Q7 is either blind as a bat or so overwhelmed by her own sense of self-satisfaction- as well as confidence that her super-smart car will protect her from her total disconnect with the world around her- that she was unable to detect a car approaching on a perfectly level road at a four-way stop in the middle of the  night.

Yeah, the Audi Q7 was absolutely the right choice for her.  Setting aside my amazement that she managed to survive despite the fact that until this year cars with these ridiculous safety features were not even on the market, I would argue that it was the ONLY choice for her.  I'm sure the person in the other car agrees- no one this obtuse and clueless should be behind the wheel of any other car.

I mean, she's not even shown distracted by a phone call or an update on a friend's Facebook page.  She's not like nine out of ten people I see driving around every day with eyes glued to their phones or encased in electronic cocoons with suburb-vibrating music.  She's just SITTING THERE IN ABSOLUTE SILENCE  And she doesn't notice that car approaching?  Good luck, lady.  Sooner or later you have to leave that car- and you seem destined to walk against the light or fall down an uncovered utility hole sooner or later.

This is Kathleen. We probably shouldn't get used to her being around

This is Kathleen.  Kathleen is a wedding planner.  Kathleen's day starts with big plans to make someone else's wedding a wonderful, happy experience- and with pain.  So Kathleen takes two Tylenol.

Kathleen feels ok for a while, but by the time she's done directing the arrangement of place settings, that pain is back and it's time for two more Tylenol.  That holds her until the DJ gets the reception cranked up, at which point it's time for two more Tylenol.

Long story short- by the time Kathleen is ready to hand the happy couple their bill for her services, Kathleen has gulped down eight Tylenol to get herself through the day.

Fortunately, Kathleen's got concerned co-workers.  One of them has picked up on the fact that Kathleen is severely addicted to over-the-counter pain killers.  Not really being much of a friend, her advice isn't "hey, you really need to see a doctor, this sounds like a long-term problem that you shouldn't be masking with liver-destroying anti-inflammatories." Nope.  It's "hey, you should switch to this alternative medication."  Great friend there, Kathleen.

Kathleen has found a way to ignore the very clear and obvious warning signs her body is giving her with two pills instead of eight, which I guess is a step in the right direction.  Personally, though, I wouldn't put a lot of money down on Kathleen dying with a healthy liver.  Or living to what nowadays we'd call a ripe old age.  Because Kathleen is in denial, her coworkers apparently don't really give a damn, and no one can make her sit down with a doctor for a professional diagnosis.

This is Kathleen.  Don't get used to her being around.  I don't think it ends well for her.

Most believable part of this ad: Daughter is going to share a picture of her Eggo

The snark about the phone obsession is just too easy, so I'll go a different route.  I've done more than enough People Being Slaves To Their Phones posts, after all.  So here's a lighter take-

1.  Is there only one Eggo left in the house?  If not, why is it that everyone at that table wants an Eggo, but there's only one being warmed in a toaster which clearly has two slots?  And if so, why does a family which clearly enjoys eating these mass-produced bland waffles let itself get down to only one left?

2.  Assuming that the toaster doesn't magically get pregnant with Eggos, shouldn't the one toasting be the property of the person who inserted it?  I mean, that's how it works in the real world, isn't it?  One of these people put the waffle in the toaster.  Three others are claiming it- how?  What am I missing here?

3.  These people don't love Eggo waffles.  They love COLD Eggo waffles.  When the thing finally pops up, none of them seem particularly interested in taking it.  If Predictably Privileged Little Girl didn't suddenly show up and take the waffle (gee, didn't see that coming, what a twist, awesome writing, Eggo) how long would the family have let it sit there while they continued to engage in a stupid battle of texts?

Ooops, sorry, I said I wasn't going to go there.  Never mind that last part.

Kevin Hart "Borrowed" ad just brings the rage

OH SERIOUSLY KID ARE YOU F--ING KIDDING ME?

Your dad is Kevin f--ng Hart.

You live in a freaking gleaming mansion of excess.

If he wants to borrow your freaking sweatshirt, HE GETS TO BORROW YOUR SWEATSHIRT.

Now, go to your section of the palace....um, I mean, your room!  And don't you even THINK about ever rolling your eyes again, you stupid spoiled shmuck!

(BTW, how pathetic is it that Kevin Hart is a comedian?  Is there anything remotely funny about any of this?  I can't even understand most of the dialogue here.  And what I can't understand, I don't normally find funny.)

Rejected Script for the Lactaid Cow

"Hey, human woman!  You look like you enjoy drinking milk, but you often just walk past the dairy section because your tummy has a hard time dealing with lactose."

"Well, here's the answer to your problem- Lactaid!  It's made from real milk, and after all I should know, being a strange animated blue cow who lives in a grocery store cooler and is spending what few days I have left urging you hominids to drink what I produce after spending 99 percent of my 'life'- no, let's call it 'existence'- in a cage too narrow to turn around in, hooked up to machines which stuff me full of hormones and vitamins and steroids designed to turn me into less of a mammal and more of a milk-producing machine with a freakish, artificially-huge udder that would not allow me to stroll around fields like my ancestors did, even if I wanted to--- and man, do I want to...."

"Of course, even if I COULD wander about without my back snapping in half under the weight of my enormous milk sacs, what would I do with that ability other than search for the calves I have not seen since the day I birthed them- calves I never fed with my own milk, and which have probably all been processed and consumed by you in a thousand other forms.  So, are you a hamburger girl, or more into steak? Doesn't matter to me, any more than it mattered to my calves.  All that mattered was that you got to gorge your sensitive tum-tom, right?"

"So here you go- Lactaid is real milk, without that nasty lactose stuff they haven't quite managed to drug out of me yet.  Costs a bit more than my natural milk, but I'm sure you'll find it worth it.  Please let me know the next time you visit, I'm really dying to know.  But please hurry- don't have much of a lifespan, and wouldn't even if I DIDN'T live in this cooler."