I wonder why I didn't get to this Reddi-Wip Commercial back in 2009.....

Why does this restaurant keep a container of Not Reddi Wip available if it's waitresses are going to bad-mouth it and do their best to convince customers to choose Reddi Wip instead?

Why is the waitress here determined to convince the customer to pick Reddi Wip?  Does she just love the noise Reddi Wip makes when it's applied to pie?  Does she hate the idea of opening that Not Reddi Wip carton?  Or does she just love being a condescending pain in the butt (seriously, just put the damn topping on my pie already?)

What if the woman had said "Oil?"  Would the waitress have then responded to the question "where can I freshen up?" with "restroom, or dumpster in the back alley?"

Owen's job description continues to confound me

Again, maybe I'm just skipping over the absolute dreck that this series of "Owen" commercials has become, but I just have to ask- wasn't this greasy geek himself just hired by GE a few months ago?  Why are people throwing their resumes at him- for all of the banal generalities he's thrown around about his job (he's going to "change the world" by "making it easier for machines to talk to eachother"- looks to me like he's just sitting in an incredibly sterile environment tapping away at a keyboard while the world outside the enormous windows just passes him by) he's never mentioned that he has any power to hire anyone.  In fact, in an earlier ad he made it very clear that he does NOT hire people.  So why are resumes being brought to his attention like this?  Doesn't GE have a human resources department- and if Owen is the human resources department, what happened to all that "getting machines to talk to eachother" and "changing the world" bs?

The Levittown Hillbillies?

1.  Someone invited these people to a wedding?  Seriously?  I would have hired guards to keep them at least 200 yards away.

2.  This lunatic lives in a freaking palace of a house?  I know that's kind of required for all commercial-world dwellers, but still-- this woman can't have a job that calls for more skill than restocking the shelves at the dollar store. She didn't pay for that house.

3.  These people must be the absolute delight of their neighbors.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that the neighbors are going to use the next few days to try to sell their houses to unsuspecting wannabee suburbanites who won't know until it's too late that they are living next to such loud, obnoxious jagoffs.

4.  Please don't buckle up, kids.  Just keep driving too fast and yelling "ROAD TRIP!!!!" every few seconds.  Nobody wants you in the neighborhood, nobody wants you ruining their wedding, and I know at least one blogger who never, ever wants to see you on tv again.

5.  Oh my God, I just looked at the side panel on YouTube and realized....this commercial is one of a series.  I am never going to run out of material.

On the road again....

Here is where I'll be until the evening of June 27th, and I definitely will not be posting until then.  Enjoy the archives while I"m away!

What Nissan thinks of pedestrians

Ugh, all this smug jackass wants to do is get around town while exercising his god-given right to drive 50 MPH in 25 MPH zones, and what happens?  Idiot criminal pedestrians keep "popping up," forcing him to actually pay attention (sort of) to his surroundings because Nissan hasn't invented Automatic Swerve To Hit Something Else technology.  Stupid pedestrians!

(Oh, and Stupid Bicyclist!  Where the hell do you get off being on MY road with your stupid non-polluting vehicle?)

(I like the way Nissan equates pedestrians as random, one-dimensional cardboard objects and not human beings- wouldn't want to hurt the feelings of anyone out there who might sometimes be troubled at the idea of speeding through city streets with all us stupid walkers about- hey, relax drivers!  This isn't about hurting anyone- it's about avoiding injury to your shiny car!)

I also like the way the first cardboard cutout is of a pedestrian looking at her cell phone- the message her is obviously "you need this technology because walkers are dangerous morons who aren't paying attention and will walk right in front of your Superior Mode of Transportation if they think they can get away with it."  Full disclosure:  I'm a walker, and I see plenty of distracted walking like this.  But you know what?  No walker is ever going to kill anyone by bumping into them while staring at their phones.  Distracted drivers (and speeders, like the a-hole in this commercial obviously is) kill people ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  So don't even get me started here, Nissan.

Meanwhile, the guy in this ad only brakes at the end, when a truly horrific accident which no doubt resulted in multiple deaths and injuries pops up in front of his car.  He responds with a self-satisfied "its no big deal because it isn't me" sigh, a smug smile, and a "we're better than those dead people" glance at his companion.  In keeping with the entire theme of the ad- the world around you and your car is a real pain in the butt, constantly threatening its paint job and your Very Important Schedule.  As a pedestrian and a human being, I can only respond  F--- you, Nissan!

I don't want to be around when this woman pauses for a breath and collapses into a bundle of heaving sobs

I was listening to a YouTube video while in the shower when this ad suddenly popped up-- and because it was not particularly convenient to climb out and hit "Skip Ad," I was forced to listen to three-plus minutes of this gibbering idiot be way too excited about making a Father's Day card featuring her Most Adorable Wittle Angel Who Ever Lived Carson (gag) in excruciatingly painful detail.  I don't think I'll ever be able to get her chirpy, If I Don't Stop Talking And Stop Smiling I Might Start To Remember I Once Had Dreams high-pitched voice out of my head.

And btw, what the hell is this woman on?  I mean, I've consumed an entire pot of coffee inside of an hour with a Snickers bar on the side and I didn't come close to becoming this insanely hyper.  All this over learning to use photoshop to compensate for the fact that you can't get your little brat to hold a sign still for 1.5 seconds?  What the hell is the matter with you, woman?  You went to college for THIS?

Oh but please don't take a moment for reflection.  Just keep focusing on all the Absoutely Amazing Things You Can Do With Today's Technology with your Perfect Little Bundle, and continue to share your Adventures in Mediocrity with us on YouTube (including your jaw-dropping Amazement that Carson has an actual loving relationship with his father, or your boyfriend, or whoever that guy is- why is this supposed to be impressive again?  The history of guys having close emotional ties with their kids predates YouTube, or didn't you know that?)  I'll just bring the damn mouse into the shower with me next time.

Lots of villains, no heroes

As a point of personal privilege, I would like to share my experience attempting to fly out of Louisville International Airport last Wednesday.  There's plenty of blame to go around.

1.  Educational Testing Service.  ETS is my employer at Louisville the first week of every June, as I travel to a convention center to help 1200 High School and College teachers grade the Advanced Placement US History Exam.  They also provided the buses which gave us a ride to the airport after the final day of grading.  Problem was, the last bus left the hotels at 11 AM, and.....

2.  Concur Travel, which handles the arrangement of flights for readers to and from the Reading.  Originally, Concur had me on a flight leaving Louisville at 2 PM-- ok, a 2.5 hour wait at the airport, no big deal.  Then that flight was cancelled and they rebooked me on a flight leaving Louisville at 5:10 PM-- meaning that if I took the very last bus to the airport, I would be waiting for my plane for six and a half hours.  Ah, but maybe American Airlines could help me out, so I went a little early and....

3.  I arrive at the American Airlines ticketing station at 10:30 AM, and I'm informed that hey whaddayaknow there IS an earlier flight to Washington, DC leaving at 11:36-- wow, that's great!  Oh, but "we can put you on it for a $75 change fee."

So.....there's a seat available on a plane leaving in an hour, but I can't have it unless I cough up $75.  To hell with that- I reject the "offer."  And then I'm told that I can't check my bag until three hours before my flight- 2:10 PM.  Until then, I'm welcome to drag it around the airport.

Wait, here's the kicker:  When boarding time finally comes around, American Airlines announces that (you guessed it) my flight is OVERBOOKED and if someone is willing to give up their seat, AA will provide that someone a $500 travel voucher!!!  Need I point out here that if I had been given the seat on the earlier flight, the later one would NOT have been overbooked?  So in an attempt to screw me for $75, American Airlines cost itself $500.   And created a dissatisfied customer.  Great business practices there, AA!

And here's one last insult to add the already pretty big injury- here's the response I got to my complaint from one of American Airlines' "Personal Relations" reps:

June 13, 2016
Dear Mr. Jamele:
On behalf of American Airlines, thank you for contacting Customer Relations. We are sorry to hear that we disappointed you in so many ways. We implemented the Same Day Flight Change option in response to customer feedback about traveling standby and to improve the efficiency of the standby process. When customers find it necessary to change their itinerary but don't want to take the chance that we won't be able to accommodate them, they can choose to pay a charge for a confirmed seat (if available). Consequently, the customer can rest easy knowing they have firm travel arrangements and can make plans accordingly. The charge represents payment for the service of receiving a confirmed seat on a flight for which you weren't originally ticketed. As with any new procedure, we will closely monitor customer feedback and we very much appreciate you sharing yours. We also appreciate your comments regarding checking-in your baggage. We use a sophisticated database that allows your specific comments to inform individual discussions with our people as well as identify overall areas that need more attention. We hope these efforts will be noticeable the next time you travel with us. Translation: "Here's a response to one-third of your complaint.  As you can see, we've got this policy which makes sense to us, and we think it benefits customers, and now that you know about it, there will be no more confusion. Meanwhile, isn't our feedback system totally awesome?" And just think, American Airlines doesn't even have a monopoly yet.

I bet all these idiots live together, sharing rent in a dumpy one-bedroom in a low-maintenence, absentee-landlord complex

What do you do if you are an overeducated college graduate with $200,000 in student loan debt in a stagnant service economy or an undereducated High School dropout with no debt but also absolutely no promising career options in that same stagnant service economy?

Why, you form a "team" of giddy Ikea employees and live vicariously through the lives of the much more successful customers you've been hired to make their lives better through budget home improvement, of course!

Seriously, maybe it's just because I'm a pretty lousy human being, but I just can't understand how the Ikea wage slaves in these ads could get so damned excited about using someone else's money to make someone else's life just a little more comfortable.  Is it just the added bonus of being in commercials? I sure hope so.  Because man, if you get this hyped at adding a tiny shred of happiness to the lives of already-spoiled brats who can't come up with the simplest home makeover ideas on their own, your existence really is as pointless as you realize it is in your fleeting moments of self-reflection.

I totally buy the All-American part.

The All-American Bacon Boss is the perfect addition to any kitchen owned by people who have this insane idea that it would be a good thing if they could get their kids to EAT MORE BACON.  Seriously, the guy in this ad talks about bacon like sane people talk about fruits and vegetables- "I love bacon, but it never comes out right, so I'm deprived- if ONLY their was a way to make bacon part of my daily diet!"

The All-American Bacon Boss uses a Patented Compressing Technology (some people would call it a screw) to flatten the bacon and extract it's oils during cooking (some people would call this "squeezing."  And some people might want to get on the phone to George Foreman to let him know that the makers of the All-American Bacon Boss are copying the same "press to get the grease to come out during cooking" his grill uses and are claiming that they've invented the wheel in the process.

I must say, none of the people in this ad seem especially impressed with the bacon produced by the All-American Bacon Boss.  Pretty much the only response we get from anyone here is a quiet affirmation that yes, after giving this a taste, we can all agree that it's fried pork.  Even though it's not raw or burned and there's no mess like all those other times Mom and Dad made an effort to provide us with life-shortening porcine products.

The rest of this ad is two minutes of ideas on how to serve up pig fat, including turning it into candy or sticking it into drinks.  Which again is all awesome if you've been struggling to find creative ways into getting more visible lard into your diet.  Why you've been doing that, I have no idea.  Oh wait, yes I do.  Because America.

Because nothing says "Road Trip" like "Alcohol."

Now I feel guilty because I've never thanked my father for my life by showing up randomly with a bottle of hard liquor to help him finish off his liver in style.

I just don't understand this at all.

But only girls need it....

"In fact, SeroVital has ALREADY been featured in National Magazines!"  Well, that settles that.

Seriously?  We are still pitching Human Growth Hormone drugs on low-budget cable commercials?  This snake oil was being peddled back in the 90s by G. Gordon Liddy; never mind that if there was anything at all legitimate behind the magical claims, it would be flying off the shelves at actual drug stores and not being sold to us during commercial breaks for B-movies and television shows that have been off the air since I was in High School.  Give me a break.

Just skip this step and go to the seafood section at Giant

1.  I'd ask if this takes the fun out of fishing, except I've never seen the fun in fishing to begin with.  I mean, I grew up in rural Vermont, five miles from the nearest town.  I've hunted, and I've fished.  I remember the sense of achievement at catching a fish- when I was a kid.  As an adult?  Hmm, not sure.  Going out into the ocean in a boat- yes, I can see that being fun.  Fishing?  Well, as long as I'm there.....

2.  If this twitching electronic lure thing really works, it seems to be that it's the equivalent of a golf ball which zeros in on the hole and goes in every time, or a bowling ball that vibrates violently when it hits the pins, causing all of them to go down, every time.  (Hey, I think I just had a couple of really good ideas....)  In other words, not very much fun.  I think I remember a joke about shooting fish in a barrel which would apply here.   Easy- but not fun.

3.  Why does this thing come with a booklet entitled "the secret to fishing?"  Isn't the magic electronic twitching thing the answer to all my fishing problems?  Why do I need a book?  If I wanted to learn how to be a good fisherman, I wouldn't be buying an electronic twitching lure which attracted too many fish for me to keep up with.  The offer of this booklet is a big red flag for me.

4.  Why do I suspect that even though this thing is allegedly "illegal in some states," no matter what state I call from, I will have no problem getting this company to send it to me (excuse me, send me TWO, because Get A Second One Just Play Separate Shipping And HandlingTM of course?)  Reminds me of those So Scary This Film Is Banned In 200 Countries You've Never Heard Of warnings I used to read on the back of VHS tapes in the 80s.

Cox Internet Mom just wants to be Queen of the Zombies

Here's another very sad commercial which is supposed to be taken as funny (and the YouTube droolers commenting on certainly think it's funny) but which strikes me as being really sad and actually more than a little gross.

The "hero" of the ad is a woman who is getting way too much joy out of the fact that kids swarm to her house to take advantage of her awesome internet access- "we can all be on at the same time."  Just having a bunch of teenagers in the same room with her gives her life meaning, I guess- or at least makes her feel like she's part of the "cool group"  (better late than never?"

Meanwhile, the teens barely acknowledge her existence (or each other's for that matter- after all, what's high-speed internet access for if not to totally ignore the people sitting right next to you?*)  That's ok with Mom- she's enjoying her fantasy life, in which she's Everyone's Favorite Grownup.  Did I say really sad and actually more than a little gross?  Maybe I should have used the word "disturbing."

So the other parents never see their kids because they are always at this woman's house with their eyes glued to their stupid electronics?  That might be sad too, except that those parents would have only slightly more interaction with those kids if they were home, having equipped them with isolating little boxes to stare at instead of oh, I don't know, actually being with family members.

So here's hoping that Wannabee Cool Mom gets some level of affirmation from her high internet bill, sure doesn't look like there's a whole lot going on her life outside a passing connection with her kids' friends and a delusional sense of popularity.  I'd feel sorry for this woman if I was a better person.  Instead I'll just continue to be disgusted by cable companies which sell the lifestyle presented in these ads as normal and desirable.  Ugh.

*I happened to be walking through my old college campus the other day when I came across a group of students sitting in front of the library.  I had a flashback to sitting in just about exactly the same place, with my friends, thirty years ago.  We were chatting about classes and politics and such.  This group was completely silent- and each and every one of them were staring at their phones.  I wonder why they were even together.