Another Lexus ad which I'm quite sure is SUPPOSED to be as vile as it is

Lexus is assaulting us (there is no other word for it) with these Thoroughly Revolting People Who Already Have F--ing Everything Getting Santa to Give Them Luxury Cars commmercials which pop up during Every. Single. Commercial Break and have pretty much convinced me that I simply can't watch any more bowl games this season.....

They are all pretty much the same, but in this one Disgusting Entitled Aunt who doesn't like kids agrees to take her neice to see Santa because despite the fact that she's clearly got money coming out of her f--ing ears and appears to be an adult, she thinks that the best way to land herself a Lexus this Christmas is to ask a fairy tale for one.  Loathsome Aunt helps set up the Next Generation of Mammon-worshippers by bribing her neice to do the asking- and the moment neice agrees and runs off to see Santa (no line, I guess maybe Aunt bribed the other kids to take a hike) Aunt crosses her arms and looks thoroughly convinced that this is going to work.

Not only does Santa grant the little kid's wish, but Aunt doesn't even have to wait till Christmas morning- they drive back to the girl's house in the Lexus.  So Santa was so damned taken with the little girl that oh hey sure of course, here are the keys?  Or was there an exchange of "gifts" between Santa and Aunt off-camera (sorry, but there has GOT to be more than meets the eye here.)  At any rate, I guess the Audi they came with was just left in the parking garage?

As is the case in every single one of the noxious piles of steaming crud, the commercial ends with a heartwarming scene in which white people stand in front of a $3 million house and gaze in appreciation at the latest f--ing bauble in the driveway.  Meanwhile, Timmy on the other side of the tracks didn't get those new boots to replace the ones with holes in them because, well, priorities.  I'd tell Lexus to go die in a fire, except that I think they go out of their way to make these ads as horrible as they can because they are aimed at people who are constantly looking for ways to engage in conspicuous consumption and who enjoy being entitled asshats.  So if their commercials infuriate me, mission accomplished.

Now go die in a fire, Lexus.

Hyundai's Christmas of Confusion

Can someone please explain to me why, after the ugly-as-hell potential customer tilts his head and juts his jaw out, he spends the rest of the commercial acting as if his feet are nailed to the floor?  Seriously, he seems convinced that he'll step on a landmine if he moves one inch in any direction, so he just stands there weirdly tilting his body (after doing that weird "big" move which I think has beeen banned in at least eight states.)  It's especially awkward at the very end, when he apparently attempts to LOOK at the saleschoad's ring tone by leaning slightly forward- mustn't move those legs!

Is it about being paralyzed until one feels "Festive?"  Because his significant other jumps two spaces the moment she buys in to the whole holiday cheer thing.  She even gets her own cup of hot cocoa and a new wardrobe.  And she didn't have to say a thing to do it.  It's implied that her husband/whatever is the buyer- does he get to be transported two feet, change into a stupid costume, and hold his own fake cup of plastic only when he agrees to sign, or what?

Seriously.  What the hell, Hyundai?

Toyota hates us. Just in case we had forgotten, let's check this out!

I watched this commercial all the way through twice, and that's the most I'm going to put myself through, because I really hoped that in two viewings I'd figure out what these self-absorbed, self-congratulatory rejects from any self-respecting karaoke bar are declaring their independence from.  But the best I can come with is that when they "sing" (using that term VERY losely) "you don't own me," what they are referring to is the basics of safe driving they learned back in High School.  They are screeching that they are no longer "owned" by the society's suffocating demand that they pay attention while driving, that they keep their stereos at a level which allows them to hear other cars, including emergency vehicles, that they are alert for sudden changes in driving conditions- rock slides, ice patches, children chasing basketballs, etc.  You know, the rules of the road that us Lessers are still shackled to, poor us.

Anyway, if one of these commercials ends up with each and every one of these caterwalling jackasses screeching "you don't own me" to Gravity as they plunge down ravines in their brand-new Toyotas, I'll consider my Christmas present delivered and received with great joy and appreciation.  Not holding my breath, though (hey, another idea for these losers I find preferable than having them continue to try to sing!)

Google continues to push me closer to the edge....

This is so rank, I can't believe there isn't a punchline at the end of it instead of just making me want to punch someone.

The final scene, where the "dad" responds to seeing his son in a spacesuit by asking Google "what's on the calendar" is the real breaking point for me.  Dude, your son is standing right fucking there.  Why can't you just ask him and break up your morning of Ignoring the other Homo Sapiens in the house?*  If Google replied "nothing is on the calendar for today," would you think your son had just gone nuts?  If your son had responded "it's space day," would you have believed him?  Would you have even recognized his voice?  Would it have helped if he had spoken in a robotic Google voice, because you've trained yourself to believe that Google Knows All?

Is this what we really want?  Anyone?

*The one time "husband" actually addresses a human being in this ad, it's to ask "wife" if a package on it's way is for him.  Why didn't he just ask Google?  At this point, why would he believe his wife would have more knowledge about a package she ordered than The Google does?

iPhone 7 ramps up the "give a middle finger to society" quotient

I used to think that only a Sociopath would want phone speakers which would allow you to share your particular taste in music with people three blocks away, but since its apparently become perfectly normal to be a self-absorbed asshat with absolutely no respect or consideration for anyone else, I guess we have to come up with a different word now.

Introducing the iPhone 7 with stereo speakers- just in case you weren't positive that you were the most loathsome human being on the planet, here's something to seal the deal.

As for this particular ad- too damned bad if you were taking a nap poolside, or reading a book, or just communing with your thoughts, because for as long as  it takes this disgusting old twat to climb those steps and jump into the pool and climb back out, you are going to be listening to his ridiculous salute to himself, courtesy of his iPhone 7 which has better speakers than my last Honda.  It wasn't really all that long ago that you'd expect someone to reach over and shut the damn thing off, or even chuck it into the pool, in response to this douchenozzle's "I am the only person in the universe" attitude.  But the other people at poolside don't even blink at the phone blaring music so loud that it's causing the table it's on to shake.  I guess they think that's cool now- never mind that if even one more person had that phone and the same idea, they'd be drowning out eachother, besides making what used to be a nice, calming experience a living hell for the people who just want to get a little sun for chrissakes.

Merry Christmas, Apple.  May you be visited by several ghosts tonight who show you the asshattery of your ways.

From jeans to TV Razors, Bret Favre just keeps fumbling

1.  It's "German Engineered."  This "fact" is repeated ad nauseum throughout this and other commercials for this stupid razor.  When did "German Engineered" become a mark of quality, anyway?  I wonder if ads in Germany hawk products as being "American Engineered?"  The way the announcers breathlessly proclaim the Germanness of these razors, you'd think that the superiority of German shaving technology was just a given.  Am I completely out of the loop, or what?

2.  The blades are coated with a "Non-stick surface," because we guys all know what a hassle it is when our ordinary razors stick to our skin during shaving.  Seriously, though, has this EVER happened to ANYBODY?  I half-expected the announcer to tell us that the razors double as frying pans.  Non-stick surface?  Really?

3.  The German Engineering of this amazing groundbreaking discovery provides a blade which lasts...a month.  You know, like pretty much all blades, including the ones you can buy at the CVS down the street which come with a razor and which cost around ten bucks.  How do we know they only last a month?  Well, the freaking ad comes right out and TELLS us they do, by providing twelve razor cartidges and calling these "a year's worth."  Points for honesty, but come on- if they only last a month, they aren't any better than the ones I own and use now, and they aren't even "German Engineered" as far as I know....

4.  William P,  non-paid Spokeschoad, tells us that he was spending "twenty or thirty dollars a month" on razors before coming across this offer.  Oh, you have got to be kidding, Mr. P..  I just randomly researched popular razor blade brands online, and the MOST expensive version I could find was for the Gillette Mach 3-- a razor and twelve cartidges for $23.99.  If you are going through "twenty or thirty dollars a MONTH" on razors, your skin must be made of freaking balloon-quality silk.  Or you are a pampered brat who refuses to use the same blade more than two or three times before tossing it in the garbage (in which case, these In No Way Superior Except for Being German Engineered blades are not going to solve your tragic problem.)  Yet he's backed up by Dr. Joseph D (who is a cardiologist, and therefore knows a lot more than you or I about shaving) who agrees that $20 gets most guys a month's worth of shaves- so most guys go through twelve cartidges a month...what the hell....)

5.  The blades aren't just "German Engineered," they are GERMAN.  Maybe everything German really is popular in the United States these days.  46% of us voted in our very own Fuhrer after all, and we didn't even have to burn down the Reichstag first.

6.  The spokeschoads never really tell us that they get their best shave ever, or even a superior shave- they just say things like "good shave" or "nice shave."  More points for honesty.

7.  The usual seal-the-deal-with-add-ons ploy comes when they toss in a nose-hair trimmer which may or may not be German Engineered (seems unlikely, though, since it's not part of the pitch.)  You can even get a Free Bonus Caddy (piece of plastic to hold your overpriced, overhyped junk) but only if you take the Deluxe Offer, which I'm guessing involves taking the nose-trimmer for free Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling scam.)

8.  Bret Favre.  This is what he gets to do while Peyton Manning continues to stink up television during actual football games doing commercials for Nationwide.  I'd say that this illustrates the difference between one ring and two, except that Peyton was a ubiquitous presence on commercials before he got his FIRST ring and Tom Brady doesn't show up on tv despite having FOUR.  Television is weird.

I can still remember when I got for Christmas when I was nine....

It was a King Arthur's Castle made in West Germany, and it was freaking awesome.  I put it together in about twenty minutes and spent god knows how many hours playing with it over the course of the next several years.  I loved it so much that when I happened to come across one on Ebay about fifteen years ago I bought it again, and it's sitting in my apartment right now.

I wonder how long the jackasses in this commercial will remember the Very Special Christmas when someone bought someone virtual-reality headsets and the family spent the next hour experiencing the Virtual Reality which was so much better than the Actual Reality of being with family during the holidays.  I imagine that the most memorable part of the experience was all the stupid shrieking and jumping done by the person wearing the glasses while the rest of the family, unable to experience what the person wearing the glasses was experiencing, looked on.

"Remember when mom jumped?  That was funny.  Can't remember what she was looking at when she jumped.  But she jumped.  And when dad tried them on, he laughed and yelled once.  That was fun.  Who ended up with that headset, anyway?  Well, whatever."

All my snark notwithstanding, I'm sure that this is someone's idea of an awesome Christmas.  Maybe because it's slightly more interactive than everyone talking on their own cell phones?  But we see one of these people using his phone to video someone else's experience with their headset- isn't that kind of doubling down on the isolation?  I mean, seriously.  What the hell?

Before and After Depressing Fun with Google

"Daddy, how big is a Blue Whale?"

Before Google: "I'm not sure, let's write that down and go to the library tomorrow to look it up.  We can stop for ice cream on the way home.  I'd like to find out, too."

After Google: "Google, how big is a Blue Whale?"

"This is where mommy does a big whale noise."

Before Google: "Ok, tell me what she sounds like when she makes it, and I'll try to do it too."

After Google: "Google, what does a Blue Whale sound like?"

"Do whales sleep?"

Before Google:  "I don't know- lets put that on our list of questions to answer during our adventure at the library tomorrow."

After Google:  "Google, do whales sleep?"

I have to wonder why this girl is even asking her father- the stupid Google Answer Machine is right there on the table.  Did the makers of this ad think that it would just be a little TOO obnoxious to have her interrupt her father by directly asking the stupid magic Google Answer Machine?  Could it be that she just wants to have a conversation with her father to spread out this daddy-daughter moment, but the asshat just keeps sabatoging her efforts by instantly asking his Electronic Substitute for Brains and Initiative?

Could we be just a little more helpless and pathetic here?

More disgusting nonsense from Verizon, just in time for the holidays...

One kid is outside, doing what kids have been doing for pretty much as long as there's been snow in winter- having fun with a sled.

Four lazy-ass, clueless, stunted morons are inside with their g-d damned phones and tablets, standing at the bay window waiting to record the one person in their family who is actually doing something...do something.

All of this is supposed to encourage us to contact Verizon so we can start "living" like these digusting twats.  Pass.

(Thumbs up to the kid who actually bundled up and went outside to do something that didn't involve texting, tweeting, streaming or "connecting" with anything except the concepts of fun and exercise.  He should do himself a favor and stay outside until a family not made up of clueless brain-dead lunatics offers to adopt him.)

Tresiba Queasy

You know, I'm going to skip some of the obvious points I could go for in this stupid, overlong ad- like how the barber guy could possibly know what the next best move is in a chess game being played across the freaking room from his chair, or how annoying the zoom-in-and-slow-down bit is when the writers just want to slap the "Tresiba Ready" label on the screen and play the little jingle, or how that barber shop guy uses an acronym I don't recognize and don't think I should be expected to know.

That's because I'm too irritated at how freaking thrilled to death the woman in her late-fifties seems to be to have a job waiting freaking tables.  It's ok that she maybe enjoys her job a little, or is a naturally cheerful person, or just very good at swallowing her resentment at the really crap hand life has dealt her.  But her attitude in this commercial makes me wonder if Tresiba is just a combination of pixie stick sugar, caffeine and illegal uppers.  Take it down a notch, woman!  You'll get your freaking tip!  At least the delivery man hauling big-screen tvs to rich white couples in the posh suburbs in the middle of the freaking night doesn't look like he's impossibly thrilled to be doing it. And the barber shop guy looks like he might be managing his own business and setting his own hours and not working all that hard, so he's got SOME excuse for the ridiculous Permanent Grin of Insanity.

Oh, and I don't know what this medication is even supposed to do.  Just that if I'm prescribed it I can take it any time of day- so maybe it really was developed for people who have slave-labor jobs like two of these characters.  Yay Tresiba.

Random Truths to Ring in the New Year- Hollywood Edition

(None of these are disputable, btw.  So don't give me any crap, especially about the Prequels.  I may have to put up with having a Fascist in the White House but I don't need to deal with prequel apologists.)

1.  There Have been Three Star Wars films, and there will never be more than three Star Wars films.  Those films are Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi.  There's no such film as A New Hope (and if you don't believe me, just watch the original scoll embedded with this blog post.) There are no "prequels" and there aren't any "sequels," either.  The Star Wars franchise opens with the Empire eliminating the last of the Imperial Senate and it ends with the overthrow of the Empire and restoration of the Republic.  It's basically the history of Rome with a happier ending.

And yes, this means that to be a Jedi you have to be pure of heart and a willingness to devote your life to defending the citizens of your universe.  That's why they are called "knights," dammit.  You don't need little bugs in your bloodstream.  Because there aren't any prequels.  And in the end freedom is restored and Darth Vader has redeemed himself, the end.  Because there aren't any sequels.

2.  There have been Three Indiana Jones films, and there will never be any more than three Indiana Jones films.  Those films are Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  There's no Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, and I know this because I saw the film when it was released and I used to have the original poster.  And don't even get me started on that rumored "fourth film" which does not exist.

3.  There was one Rocky film.  It was called Rocky.  It had a great story which did not lend itself to a sequel at all- a loser who has never dared to reach for his full potential is placed in a situation which gives him one last chance to prove to himself that he's not a loser.  He achieves this by going the distance with the undefeated, invincible heavyweight champion of the world- and now he's shaken off the weight of a wasted, directionless life and can go on to a happy life with Adrian.  He doesn't get a rematch (he doesn't want one at the end of the one film, and neither does the champion) because Chuck Wepner, who inspired Stallone to make this movie by coming within seconds of going the distance with Muhammed Ali and knocking the champ down in the process didn't get a rematch.  He sure as hell doesn't win the damn title.

No second film.  And don't even get me started with Mr. T or Ivan Drago.  Those guys don't exist. Because this Oscar-winning film was a stand-alone.

4.  There were two Terminator films, period.  They were called The Terminator and Terminator: Judgement Day.  The second film tied up all the loose ends and assured that Skynet would never exist, so no nuclear armageddon happy ending all around.  If there were any more films- and there aren't- they would totally wreck the point of the two films and probably erase the timelines as well, because that always happens when time-travel films don't know when to stop beating a good idea to death.  If they kept making Terminator films after the two they did make, they'd probably end up completely bleaching out the original story and have Sarah Connor meet a protective Terminator as a child or something really insulting and stupid like that.  Man I'm glad that never happened.

5.  There was only one Iron Man movie.  It ends with Tony Stark, having realized that his life has been a shallow pursuit of earthly pleasures leaving him a vacant waste of skin, tossing aside his old habits in exchange for a life dedicated to repairing the damage done by his blood-drenched weapons company.  He received his epiphany when facing imminent death in a cave in Afghanistan and watching a total stranger willingly sacrifice his life to aid his escape.  If there were any sequels, they'd probably completely forget Tony's growth and have him go right back to being an obnoxious, spoiled playboy obsessed with his own shallow desires and responding to slowly dying by becoming a morose, "I don't give a damn" peevish brat.  That would have been awful.

If I think of any more Indeniable Truths concerning movies, I'll post them here because this is the kind of stuff bloggers do at the end of another year- I think it's the way guys respond to midlife crises when they can't afford a Lexus convertable  or a girlfriend half their age.

How did I miss this one from PureFlix?

For those of you who lucky enough never to be exposed to the wretchedness of PureFlix, a film company co-founded by fundamentalist actor/director David A.R. White whose catalog includes such cinematic gems as God's Not Dead (student uses Bible and strawman arguments to defeat evil Atheist professor,) God's Not Dead II (teacher uses Bible and strawman arguments to defend her right to preach the gospel in in a public classroom) and War Room (emotionally abused woman saves her marriage to an abusive, cheating criminal of a husband by locking herself in a closet and shouting prayers,) a film like The Christmas Angel might look like a piece of innocent, dumb fluff and a way to keep your kids occupied for a few hours during the holidays.  As someone who HAS plumbed the almost bottomless depths of inanity and preachyness that these films represent, I urge you to stick to the DVDs of Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph.

I haven't seen this particular film, but I can glean the entire plotline from the trailer (it doesn't take a genius- go ahead and watch it yourself if you want to, and tell me where you disagree.)  There's a creepy old house in a neighborhood made up entirely of Christians, all of whom except one family is white.  The kids in this neighborhood have gotten the idea that if they make a wish and break a window in the old house, it will come true.

One day Kevin Sorbo (who played the Evil Athiest Professor in God's Not Dead but is still going to spend the rest of his life being That Guy Who Played Hercules) moves in to the house and, not being particularly religious, gets unreasonably irritated that kids keep breaking his windows (like I said, he's not religious, otherwise he'd understand perfectly.)  His complaints against the innocent behavior of the Very Christian young vandals (who after all are just trying to get God's attention so they can have new bikes and such) are so unreasonable, it creates a wall between him and the community- especially when he goes so far as to use police tape to show that his house is a crime scene (which it is, but man what a jerk, he must hate God or something.)

Gradually, Kevin Sorbo's hard heart softens, probably because of the widowed mom of adorable, rock-weilding children who lives next door (surprisingly not played by Roma Downey or Valerie Bertinelli,)  and maybe he's visited by a Might Be An Angel character played by Dela Reese (who else?  Hector Elizondo?)  The kids stop throwing rocks and write their wishes on pieces of paper to place in a box instead.  What happens when these wishes don't come true?  My guess is that this never comes up because, well, PureFlix.

Unlike the other PureFlix films I listed above, this one was made for television (Hallmark Channel- what else?) so it's hard to say how well it was received.  The other films received wide release and made huge profits on small budgets (War Room, for example, made $70 mil on a $4 mil production budget, and was even the No. 1 film on a very slow weekend.)  I wonder if David A.R. White isn't a little irritated with himself for not rolling the dice and putting this on the big screen.  But I'll be sure to catch it on my small one now that I've seen the trailer.  It looks treacly enough for some good snark, at least.  Merry WTF-ever.

Apple stretches disbelief until it snaps back and hits me in the face

Am I to understand that a middle school somewhere decided to put together a big-budget production of Romeo and Juliet featuring nine-year olds who will, if they provide a faithful rendition of the script, commit suicide on stage at the conclusion?

Ok, I get that the quality is probably not that awesome, and the whole idea is that the iPhone7 is just so superawesomeamazing at taking movies that it will make kids being kids on stage look like they are in something produced by Kenneth Branagh (or even something good,) but this doesn't change the fact that these are very young children performing Romeo and Juliet.  We're kidding here, right, Apple?

What the hell, Samsung?

Ok, so we have these quadruplets opening up identical boxes with identical phones and then proceeding with some of the worst line-reading I've heard in years- "I love you in that."  "No, I love you in that."  "No, I love YOU in that."  It's all so stunningly unconvincing, it would have been just fine with me if they were actually holding cue cards to remind them what their ONLY LINES were.

And having "delivered" their lines, they each act as if they are completely relieved to have that over with so they can go back to staring at their wonderful new phones.  Merry F--ing Christmas.  Just a few questions:

1.  How old are these girls?  I was guessing teens.  But there are no parents about- so who bought these phones?  Assuming they didn't buy them for eachother, did they actually just open gifts from people who aren't there to share the experience?

2.  How many rooms are there in this house?  Why do they all sit on the same couch- it just magnifies their asshattery.  I mean, think about this for a moment- these girls are obviously sisters.  They all just got new phones, and then handed out stilted compliments.  And now they are all crowding against eachother instead of, I don't know, maybe spreading out a bit?  Or is this how kids nowadays pretend that they are sharing a moment- hey, they are all in the same room, so they are all together, even though they are all staring at different screens?

3.  When they bleat "I love you in that" they aren't looking at eachother, but at their phones.  So what are they responding to?  Do their screens magically have pictures of their sisters wearing different outfits?  I mean, they were together before they opened those boxes.  Why wait until they were distracted by their phones before complimenting eachother?  Makes NO sense.

American Aviator: Because we are living a Post-Shame Era

This one's gonna take some work.  Like frame-by-frame work:

"Hi, I'm Rick Harrison, and this is my Pawn Shop..." Rick Harrison is the "star" of "Pawn Stars," which I think is one of those atrocities The History Channel developed when it decided it was all done showing us "History."  It makes a lot of sense to buy a watch from a guy who runs a Pawn Shop, because....um, Reasons, I guess.

"I knew when I introduced the American Aviator Watch, the public would like it...but it's actually becoming a Symbol of American Patriotism and Pride."  Well, yeah, says right there- "Symbol of American Pride," right on the screen.  But who is saying this?  Who is being quoted?  I mean, name one person who calls your cheap knock-off of a WWII-era watch a "symbol of American Patriotism and Pride," Mr. Harrison.  Just one.  And no, you are not allowed to include yourself, because you're kind of biased.

The Aviator Watch was developed as a precision instrument to be used by pilots so they could drop their bombs on their targets.  That watch is not being made available by Rick Harrison through this commercial, just his version of it- which, I gotta say, doesn't look a hell of a lot like the original.  Seriously, it's a totally different watch; I'm surprised we get to see them side by side.   Maybe Mr. Harrison wasn't fortunate enough to have multiple old veterans coming in to his shop to pawn their watches so he could examine them more closely and make his knock-offs more authentic-looking?

Ah, but they cost "a lot less money."  Adjusted for inflation, I guess?

Then we get the sad old veteran (I suppose) tell us that when he sees a non-veteran wearing one of these pieces of cheap junk, he sees it as a "wink and a nod that he cares, and that he understands, and that he gets it."  Um, really?  Not that the watch owner just saw this commercial, thought that the watch looked pretty cool, and ordered it?  How exactly does buying a watch make you more patriotic or knowledgeable about veterans, again?   Later another vet will tell us that wearing this watch shows "you know what it means to serve your country."  Seems to me that all it shows is that you know how to give your credit card number to Rick Harrison, but what would I know, I'm not a vet...

And then we get another sad veteran- "Dean R.," who isn't quite proud enough to share his entire name so he comes off like the people who give testimonials for Publisher's Clearing House or Sham-Wows.  Dean is proud to have served his country in Desert Storm, which he seems to remember as including a lot of crawling through wheat fields.  He's also proud to have this junky watch.  which "honors our American servicemen"- again, no idea how.

Ralph M, a veteran of the Korean War, tells us that not only will he wear his knock-off of what was probably a cool watch from now on, but that he'll "always stand for the National Anthem."  Um, thanks for your service and for the non-sequitor, Ralph.  Or are you saying that owning this watch is just like standing for the National Anthem- if you don't do both, you are Un-American and don't care about sacrifice and should just go back to Russia?  What the hell?

Then Rick Harrison brings us back into very familiar territory, telling us that we "could spend a thousand bucks for a watch like this."  Yeah, and I could blow my paycheck on scratch-off tickets, too.  What's the point- that your bad copy of a classic watch isn't as expensive as other people's bad copies?  Anyway, this thing costs $39.95 plus shipping and handling and comes in a "classic collector's case" (a cardboard box with a picture of a plane and the words World War II on it) plus a brochure he probably copped from a museum somewhere.  Oh, and an official certification to assure you that this is a genuine knock-off.  Oh, and Mr. Harrison doesn't quite have the guts to admit it, but they throw in a keychain flashlight, too.  What, no Ginzu knives or ID-safe wallets?

Well, there you go.  Almost two solid minutes of "if you're a real American who loves the troops you'll buy this watch, oh and you'll stand for the National Anthem, too."  I'd like to say I was surprised that after all this "support our vets" blather we don't find out that a portion of the profits goes to organizations which actually support vets- but I'm not.  I'm sure Rick Harrison figures he's doing more than enough by selling the watch.  I mean, it's got a laser-etched American flag on the back and I'm sure Mr. Harrison has a Support Our Troops bumper sticker on at least one of his cars.  And after all those cars, like Freedom, isn't free!

Quaker Presents: Taste, Totally Flattened

Or maybe "laid to waste."

I mean, let's slightly rewrite the narration for this ad:  "Here at Quaker Oats, we take berries, honey, oats, raisins, and other good, wholesome food and pound the living crap out of it until it's reduced to thin, dry, utterly tasteless wafers which can be stacked, wrapped in plastic, and packaged for all you posers who absolutely refuse to make the effort to search out and eat real food but instead seek out this processed crud - not only seek it out, but actually manage to get it down because you think you're doing something good for yourself.  For you, here are New Quaker Flats- quite literally, dried-up and mass-produced fiber chunks held together with honey which might, if you don't think about it too much, be a passable snack if consumed with a very hot, very strong cup of coffee."

I'm always amazed that there's a market for six dollar boxes containing a few cents worth of food, but then I remember- there's always people like the ones I described in the first paragraph.  Lazy, Niave morons looking for a short cut brought us Carnation Instant Breakfast and Eggo Waffles.  This stuff fits right in.

KIA ramps up the Dumb

Nothing about this ad makes even the slightest sense.

First, what's with the 1980s video football game?  Is KIA trying to reach the fiftysomething car buyer with this ad?  Maybe so, because Second, what the heck is Bo Jackson doing even attempting to play football here?

Third, the electronic version of Bo Jackson in the game looks like he has a pretty good shot to go 95 yards for the score, but instead decides....to cheat by running out of the stadium, getting into his car, and driving it on to the field?  Now we've moved beyond "makes no sense" and are deep into "this is really, really stupid" territory.

Fourth, why are the other electronic players attempting to tackle Jackson's car?  Why is Jackson carefully weaving his car around the players as if he's concerned that it will get tackled?  I don't care how big NFL players are nowadays, they aren't taking down a freaking SUV.

Fifth, what is Bo Jackson celebrating at the end?  That he managed to drive across a football field in a car without being tackled?  That he's still marketable enough to be in an ad and that's a good thing even if it's one as dumb as this?  That he's in an ad and at least it isn't for Five Hour Energy?

Why do I think about this stupid crap so much?

Dodge really captures the spirit of the holidays in this ad

Ostentatious competitiveness.  Surly looks.  Drag races which endanger the lives of the Not One Percenters who might be trying to cross these urban streets.  Concluding with a reminder that hey there are even more self-satisfied prigs willing to trash their Christmas trees if it means they get to show off the fact that....um, their cars go forward when you press the gas pedal.

Yeah, this is somebody's idea of what the holidays are all about.  "Somebody" being pretty much everyone who writes commercials to be broadcast in the month of December.  Because I'm not kidding- as I was watching the Ravens-Dolphins game Sunday afternoon I couldn't help noticing that at least nine out of ten of the ads broadcast featured the message that the best thing you can do for yourself this holiday season is to buy a car you probably don't need but will make you the envy of the neighborhood and in the end, what else really matters?

Merry....Um, something.  I guess.

So many villains to choose from in this horrible Xfinity ad....

1.  The grandparents, who follow their grandkid's twitter account and respond to the bitchy, spoiled-rotten "oh I have to spend a few hours at a house with no WiFi or Netflix just because it happens to contain elderly people I guess I'm related to" tweets by forking over god knows how much money to update their internet and cable system because Everything Must Be Made Perfect For Precious Granddaughter.

2.  Wretchedly spoiled little monster grandchild, who publicly considers an afternoon without WiFi as "entering the gates of hell" and begs her Twitter followers to "pray for her" because oh my freaking god, she's going to have to survive several hours without indulging in electronic addition---err, entertainment.  Horrors, an actual conversation with real people who may not be around next holiday season might result.  Wouldn't that be a nightmare.

3.  The company that is so craven that it sells this as a heartwarming tale of grandparents so determined to show well for Granddaughter that they invest in an upgraded service and If You Loved Your Grandkids You'd Do The Same And Then Maybe You'd See Them More Old Fogies.  Sick, Xfinity.  Truly Sick.

I didn't think it was possible for a commercial to make me long for a Lexus December to Remember ad, but this one comes pretty close.  What a nightmare the modern world is.

There's nothing wrong with my volume control, Mr. Jackson!

1.  Is it fair to assume that if Samuel L Jackson was acting in a Capital One Commercial set in a library or hospital, he would still be yelling at me about the benefits of the credit card he's whoring? Seriously, what is it with this guy?  The only films I can remember seeing in which he doesn't yell his lines are the Star Wars prequels- and a little yelling instead of his constant non-action and scenery-chewing intraspection might have really helped there.  In this ad, it's completely unnecessary.  Al Sharpton doesn't yell as often as this guy does.

2.  Yes, the malls are full of stuff to buy, and I suppose that one reason why people cut back on their holiday spending is because of a lack of credit.  But that's now what Mr Jackson is barking at us about in this ad.  He's suggesting that we are holding back because the cards currently taking up space in our wallets simply don't provide enough rewards points to make buying something an attractive option.  Um, in whose universe do people think like this?  Samuel L Jackson's, I guess.  When I use a credit card, I think of the interest I'll have to pay if I don't send the bank the full amount at the end of the month.  The one percent apparently think more about how they are going to spend those awesome points they are tossed like crumbs from the table as rewards for accruing more debt.  Good for them.

3.  If Samuel L Jackson weren't in it, this would be the whitest commercial I've ever seen.  Hell, even with him in it it's got to be in the top ten.  My retinas are burning.

Subway presents: Your tax dollars at work.

Can we agree that Subway really knows construction workers?

For the past two weeks, the street outside my apartment is being torn up.  This is the second time in eight years there is major work being done on the same section of street.  I wonder if the same company is doing the work, and if anyone asked them why it wasn't done right the first time (or is it just par for the course for streets to need major work every eight years?)

Just like 90 percent of the "workers" out on my street, the guys in this ad are doing nothing resembling actual work.  The people on my street are wearing hard hats and yellow and orange jackets and heavy boots and safety glasses because I guess that makes standing around watching one guy operate a piece of heavy machinery slightly less dangerous.  The jokers in this Subway ad aren't even going through the motions of pretending to earn their $30 an hour- they've got their backs to the site, blathering away about Subway's jingle.

I guess I should be glad they just acting like lazy morons and not making lewd comments at women as they pass by.  If they did that, I'd be convinced that Subway went out and found actual construction workers to star in their ad.

(Oh and BTW, in the outtakes one of the guys in the ad offers to "sign my sandwich" if I happen to bump into him at my neighborhood Subway.  Um, seriously, buddy.  Get over yourself.  No one knows who you are and that's not going to change because you were a total tool in a Subway ad.)

The Dramatic Twist at the end of this Commercial.....

....is when you realize that it's for dog food.  And that it's not an SNL skit or some other form of brilliant snark.

Nope.  The big buildup- the woman either being thrown out of the house or breaking up with her significant other or whatever that is, her quest for a hotel which takes pets (which fails on the first night, requiring her to sleep in the car,) her driving for what seems to be hundreds of miles, her finally finding a pet-friendly hotel after having a bitter, fruitless conversation with (presumably) her significant other which ends with her dropping the phone (and she's using a payphone, which I guess is supposed to be even more dramatic, besides marking her as the only adult in the United States under the age of forty who doesn't have a cell phone).....concludes with her opening a can of Cesar dog food and feeding it to her bestest friend.  Two minutes of this.  Two minutes of my life I'll never get back because I was curious enough to see how this ended up, at the end of which I was half-convinced it was going to be a pitch for the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-Day Saints because it sure looked like that.  But it's a dog food ad.  A dog food ad which is really, really ripe for parody for anyone who wants to take a crack at it.  Won't be me, but someone just has to.

And by the way, "Road Trip?"  Really?  This woman acts as if she is fleeing an abusive relationship and except for her dog, her whole life is going to hell in a handbasket.  That's what Cesar calls a "road trip?"