Order now and get a Butter And Sugar Infuser absolutely free!*

I'm going to tweak the script of this commercial without changing the basic message:

"We all love bacon.  We simply can't get enough of it.  We'd eat it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks if we could.  When we get around to making 'Fourth Meal' an official thing- and seriously, it's only a matter a time in Donald Trump's America- that Fourth Meal will consist entirely of bacon."

"As we all know, the problem is that bacon is not very convenient to make.  It creates grease which splatters and makes messes and is even dangerous.  And because of these problems, we often deny ourselves our god-given right to consume as much pig as we'd like.  The result?  We aren't anywhere near as unhealthy as we COULD be if only SOMEONE could make the cooking of fatty strips of pork easier!"

"Well, here's the solution- with this handy little device, you effortlessly add hundreds of calories to your diet and subtract several years of your life!  Yay bacon!"

*Just pay extra shipping and handling