eBay's soul-sucking salute to nonstop consumption*

Don't celebrate Christmas like everyone else, because you aren't like everyone else.  You're a pampered, white, rich American brat for whom three days for shipping seem like a crushing burden and is the reason why you spend $99 a year on Amazon Prime.

Oh, but this is an ad for eBay, that worldwide garage sale Weird Al Yankovic rightfully parodied more than a decade ago.  Ok, so if you buy your Christmas presents on eBay you certainly aren't like everyone else.  You aren't even like most spoiled brat American white people who live to have stuff show up on their doorstep in ugly brown boxes pretty much every day.  You are a different level of impulse, Live-For-Today shopper who has totally bought in to the Need It Right Now Gimmeee Gimmeee GIMMMMEEEEE philosophy that comes as a pre-loaded App on your Smartphone.

And no, I'm not apologizing to the jackass Youtube commenter who desperately needed to know what music accompanies this disgusting salute to instant gratification.  I really do want you to go die in a fire.  Because I hate you and the rest of your "I need to know what every piece of music I ever hear on any commercial right now plz plz plz" ilk.  You'll never contribute anything to anyone's life.  You are dumb as dirt and more vapid than I ever thought possible.  You won't be missed.  So go find that fire. Bet you can find one nearby using your Smartphone.  Maybe you can even get it delivered.

*wouldn't it be cool if this kind of behavior actually GAVE you consumption?