A 9-year old Black and Decker Commercial....

...is all I've got on a day in which the mercury is expected to hit 95 and feel like closer to 102 which is following two days of much the same and will be followed by two days of much the same before I can fly out of this nightmare and get to Vermont, which is expected to be maybe five degrees cooler.....

.....and I'll be at the Baltimore Orioles game today.....pretty sure I'll be in the shade, but still.....

But anyway, nine years ago Black and Decker made this commercial about two zombies and their dog.  Seriously, this couple died ages ago- who has been feeding that perfectly-groomed Toy You Have To Clean Up After?  Certainly not these people, who act as if getting off that couch requires a call to hospice services.

The joke is that the dust is so deep under that couch that it turns the perfectly white dog black- never mind that the rest of the house is flawlessly, almost obnoxiously clean.  Why couldn't the ad show these people living in a filthy house?  Oh, because even nine years ago, ad companies simply didn't do that.  Back then, as now, everyone on television lives in a gleaming house.  Even when the point of your ad is to show extreme dust buildup.

Why is the "guy" in this ad wearing that robe?  Sorry, I drifted off again.  It's very hot out. 

So Black and Decker makes a vacuum that can reach under couches, which is a good thing 'cause it's clear these people aren't about to move it two feet so they can vacuum there.  These warm corpses just don't do stuff like that.  Because they are dead.

Ok I'm done.  I have to shower and change and get to that ball game in the steam bath which is currently my world.  Stay cool and safe and check pets and elderly people, etc. 

Napoleon Grills is making me hate summer

My favorite YouTube comment associated with this commercial is "this ad gave me cancer."  I'd just suggest a slight amendment to "This ad IS cancer."

Every single one of these Napoleon Grill commercials feature males of my species acting like total dicktards for absolutely no reason except They Are Males In The Suburbs And This Is How They Act We Guess.  If a guy is humiliated, that's worthy of a laugh.  If a guy is hurt, even better.  Now, let's get back to grilling that meat because, well, Remember What We Said About Males in the Suburbs.

How bad are these ads?  So bad, they are going to make summer feel too long.  In other words, they are cancer.  And we aren't even into July yet.  Sigh.

For When the Commicrats come for you....and they will.....

Sometimes, the snark just writes itself. And those are the commercials I live for.

This ad is allegedly for cheap-quality non-Blublocker sunglasses called "Special Ops" (I guess.  I'm not watching this more than a few times.)  It's actually a parody for every product peddled by phony weekend warriors and pitched to paranoid survivalists who have already maxed out on Glenn Beck's Emergency Food and guns....right?

I mean, this can't be real.  Kris "Tanto" Paranto (whose nickname is known only to himself) can NOT be serious with his schtick, can he?  All that "matter of life and death" to "know your surroundings" while crawling through the desert or a swamp....that's either a joke or an Alex Jones wet dream, take your pick.

Anyway, these amazing sunglasses are just what you need to spot the enemy- Obama or Hillary, specificially- before they get close enough to make a grab for your Bible or your gun.  So they are an absolutely essential addition to any Patriotic, Freedom- Loving American who wants to do his part to Make America Great Again.

Or, like I said before, this is a joke.  I'm going with joke.  I have to.  This is the world I need to live in, after all.

Roman.Com's "Funny" Erectile Disfunction Ad....

First, let me point out to all of you who are not regular readers of this blog- and that's pretty much all of you, based on the numbers- that I don't do erectile disfunction ads here.  I mean, I've done like three of them over the course of nearly ten years.  That's three out of more than a thousand posts.  I don't do them.

Second, let me assure you that the only reason I even looked at this ad was because I was searching for a particular Napoleon Grill commercial and found this instead.  I was not looking for an erectile disfunction ad, I was looking for one about these obnoxiously overpriced grills.

But, since I've found this ad and actually watched it, I'll take a moment to snark on it's rank offensiveness anyway.  We've got a white guy and a black guy standing next to a grill while insisting to a disembodied voice that they've got no-- um-- problems.  I'm frankly surprised that no women make an appearance to give an eye-roll to their "if anyone here as an issue, it's the guy standing next to me" defensive stutterings.  I'm not at ALL surprised that one of them spends the entire commercial holding a hot dog impaled on a fork, because that's how Subtle works in these ads.  Which is why I don't do them.

Ok, now back to the great Napoleon Grill Search.  Sorry about that.

Rocket Mortgage continues to hate on women

Here's yet another Rocket Mortgage/Quicken Loans  commercial which is willing to concede that a woman can be extremely smart and successful and even exciting (Megan is a lawyer who totally demolishes the other side AND is on the verge of confirming the existance of Bigfoot?) but when it comes to doing the Maths is basically just a helpless, silly, addled little girl.

Megan has the Sads because for all her brilliance, mortgages are full of percentages and numbers and all those other things that hurt her little Girl Brain.  Law is words and talking and we all know how women can talk the bark off a tree, but when it comes to numbers, well, let's not get silly.  And let's not judge, either- we wouldn't expect a man to be able to diaper a baby without stabbing it or cook a meatloaf without burning down the kitchen, so it would be totally unfair to expect a woman to work out a mortgage schedule.  Everything- and everyone- in their place, as they say.

Fortunately some GUY invented Quicken Loans and since there aren't THAT many numbers on a phone (not that it matters- who has ever met a woman who doesn't know how to use a phone LOL!) Megan can use one to find the perfect mortgage.  After all, it's "simple," and nothing appeals to women more than stuff that's simple. 

Now she just needs to use that phone to find herself a man, because when you think about it, she looks like she's around thirty and no way a female should be worrying her pretty little head about mortgages at her age. 

Galaxy Presents: A woman going nowhere fast

The woman in this ad....oh, I could spend all day on this post, but I'm tired after a long week of classes and have other things to do.....

1.  She's at the airport and she's holding up the people in line because she didn't think to upload her boarding pass until she reached security.  Um, I'm 54 years old and I know enough to TAKE A SCREENSHOT OF MY BOARDING PASS so nothing needs to be loaded.  I also know that boarding passes can still be printed up- and I ALWAYS get a printed copy of my pass, because, you know, stuff still happens. 

2.  She's on the plane and oh noes she can't use her phone to keep what's left of her atrophied brain amused for a few hours, meanwhile she's got a case of the jealous sads because everyone else on the planet is watching movies on their Much Better Much Faster Phones.  You know, stupid woman, there are these things called "books" and "magazines" that don't need to be streamed or downloaded, right?  Even better, they don't need any external memory.  They just need you to have a vocabulary, but you probably tossed that out a few years ago when you discovered Grammarly and talk-to-text, right?

3.  She's trying to get a taxi- oh what am I saying, she's trying to get an Uber, taxis are so 20th century- but she can't because her phone is, again, too slow.  So she's in the rain (we can assume she didn't know it was going to rain because her phone failed to tell her, so no umbrella)  and totally helpless because she's tossed aside all her life experience and sense to lean on her ubiquitious electronic crutch. 

4.  She finally does get a ride, but then she sees a Samsung store and tells the driver to let her off so she can run in and get her slow phone fixed or something.  It takes no time at all for the commissioned salesperson to convince her that there's nothing she can do to make her phone be at her beck and call to save her from her helpless self.  I mean, she COULD get rid of some apps but that's just silly.  So she'll just shell out some more money and upgrade, problem solved.  In the final scene, we find her Loving Her Phone Again 'Cause It's Fast Enough to allow her to sit in an easy chair and stare at something on the screen.  We don't see the phone actually saving her from a situation her non-cellphone owning parents would have had no problem dealing with.  She's just watching something, giving her atrophied brain yet another vacation.

(Oh, and we get some weird scene where a total stranger and his kid stare at her like she's the last free human in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."  They can just TELL she has an inferior, slow phone and she MUST be assimilated or she can expect to be sneered at for being such a luddite.  How do they know that her stress is being caused by her phone and not the heavy rain or some unspoken problem in her life?  There's probably an App for that.)

Seriously, WTF Samsung?  Paper boarding passes.  Books, Magazines, Daydreaming.  Taxis.  How freaking helpless and dependent on electronics do you want us to be?  Do I really want you to answer that?

Up into your neighbor's Napoleon Grill? Get help!

I've had more than enough of these Napoleon Grill ads which feature rich white guys standing outside ridiculous suburban mansions playing with equally ridiculous, utterly opulent grills which feature more bells and whistles than most automobiles.

In this one, a creep is so damned obsessed with all the fun he can have with his neighbor's grill that he's actually snuck on to the property in the middle of the night to engage in a little fantasy grilling.  He doesn't steal the damn thing, he just shovels raw food on and into it so he can engage in what can only be described as illicit grill sex.  I'm sorry, but I don't know any other way to put it- the weirdo is having an affair with his neighbor's grill.

And of course the punchline comes when the seriously disturbed jackass is interrupted in his fantasy play by the grill's owner, who doesn't seem at all surprised to find a guy he clearly knows very well cooking with his grill, right in his yard.  Maybe this is just something that rich white twads in the suburbs expect from eachother, I don't know.

What I do know is that the grill featured in his ad retails online at the official site for something north of $5000.  No, I'm not kidding.  This grill costs more than a two-week, 4-star tour through Europe.   So maybe that's why I don't understand the guys in these ads- I don't know anyone with that kind of money to throw away on an outdoor kitchen, and I don't WANT to know anyone who covets his neighbor's barbecuing system.  Just too disturbing.

Match.com went there, one year ago today

In this ad, Match.com goes totally Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on us.  From the opening scene, it's made totally clear that the ONLY reason this guy needs to find himself a female is because his kid is sick to death of burned food.  Howard Keel/Dad needs to go into town and find himself a woman- ANY woman, because there's a kid to be taken care of and food to be shopped for and cooked and a house to be kept clean. 

And as if this isn't creepy/retro enough for you, Match.com ramps it up by having the KID take charge of the whole Getting Dad Back Into The Game thing.  This little boy simply cannot WAIT to have another woman in the house so he can actually have a damn meatloaf that isn't burned for a change (women are genetically designed to cook meatloaf, you know.)  So he fills out his dad's dating profile, selling his dad not as a worthless, helpless, scared little doofus but as a Real Catch because Oh Freaking Lord We Just Need a Woman Here.

And then we get the hilarious punchline- when a susceptible female bites on the hook and agrees to a date, the kid sets her up to meet Dad at the aquarium.  And then he comes along! 

Let's take a look at this from a few angles, shall we?

1.  If you are the guy, you are telling the woman straight out that you are property of this little boy who runs your life, and if she's going to get a second date she'd better impress that kid.  I'm frankly surprised the guy came along on the first date, he doesn't seem necessary here at all.  He could have just given his credit card to the kid- he's got the computer password and unfettered online access after all, why not?

2.  If you are the woman who showed up for a blind date and found yourself being sized up as Potential Housekeeper Material by this kid, well, you know a lot about that guy that wasn't specifically listed on his profile page, don't you?  You going to go through with this?  Why?  So you can have a great story to tell your female friends who talked you into Match.com later?

3.  If you are this guy's ex-wife....well, what do you think about your kid being introduced to your ex on the first date?  Just curious.

4.  If you are the kid in this commercial....oh no, I can't even begin to go THERE.  Someone else is going to have to wade through THAT damage.  Way too disturbing for me.

Let's keep in mind that this is specifically a FATHER'S DAY AD.  A Father's Day Ad with the message that fathers are totally butt-worthless as well as being guilty of neglect every day they continue to pretend they can raise a kid without a woman in the house.  Stop acting like you can be a parent, Stupid Man!  Kids need decent meals and clean houses!  Get back out there and lasso yourself one of them women folks so we can get some decent service around here!

Sick.

Staples will promote the personal touch right up to the moment it becomes Staples.com

This Staples ad carries the message that it understands the value of building a relationship between it's employees and it's customers and that nothing can replace that one-on-one, face-to-face human contact which builds trust and brand loyalty.

Meanwhile, Staples is aggressively pursuing the shutting of it's brick and mortar stores all over the United States and moving to a web-only presence, almost certainly achieving this cost (and employee) slashing strategy by 2025.

You reconcile these two things.  I can't.

Wealthsimple's Super Bowl commercial gives me a severe case of the Sads

I can really relate to this confused, harrassed individual.  He's got a high-paying job and a nice house in the suburbs but he's having nightmares and his head is spinning because he can't decide how to invest his excess money.  And the world sure isn't doing him any favors, offering him unsolicited advice everywhere he turns.  He can't even enjoy a nice soak in the tub or a relaxing breakfast in front of his flatscreen without being tortured with thoughts that he isn't turning his pile of cash into a bigger pile of cash more quickly.  Oh woes.

I wonder how many people watched this ad and thought it was cute and/or clever but also had absolutely nothing to do with the reality of their lives.  Every year a larger percentage of Americans live paycheck to paycheck, carrying credit card and other debt from month to month as part of the normal cost of living.  "Investing" means possibly buying a house you can borrow off of and perhaps sell when it's time to retire- if you're lucky enough to hit retirement age during an upswing in the real estate market and not one of the all-too-frequent "corrections."   "Retirement Funds" means "Social Security" and not much else to more people every single year- and that's not because investing is "complicated."  It's because stagnant wages and the death of pensions have made surplus income at the end of each month a fantasy.  Figuring out what to do with wealth isn't the middle-class problem it used to be, Wealthsimple.  For a whole lot of us, there's already a creditor out there waiting for every bit of it we can- briefly-get our hands on.

So pardon me if I don't shed a tear for anyone who gets dizzy at the dizzying buffet of investment options.  BMWs come in different colors, too- that doesn't mean I'm going to sympathize with anyone struggling to make that choice.  The guy in this ad is going to have to look elsewhere for a tissue or a shoulder to cry on. 

Meet Mr. Cooper, your Friend in Denial....

Is owning a home the American Dream?  Maybe.  I bet the kids in this ad would settle for financially responsible parents.  I mean, look at these people- they've got a house in the suburbs they can't afford without rolling up credit card debt and making themselves vulnerable to predatory loan companies like "Mr.Cooper."  They buy stuff then can't really pay for, digging a big hole for themselves while pretending that they are better off than they actually are, just so they can "give their kids everything" while maintaining smiles and relaxed attitudes that are fake or clueless or both.

So they'll sign with Mr. Cooper and get a debt consolodation loan using their property as security, and if they just keep on doing what they've doing to get into this mess in the first place they'll end up right back where they started- except, this time, in something a bit less substantial than that nice house in the suburbs.  Where will the "American Dream" be then?  Where will those stupid, vapid, fake or clueless smiles and relaxed attitudes be then?

How about living within your means, Stupid Suburban "Adults?"  Maybe pretend that the "American Dream" is being happy with what you have and knowing how to set limits?  Just a thought.  But if it's a thought that doesn't seem particularly attractive, there's always Mr. Cooper there to help you delay your inevitable rendevous with Reality.

Just remember- it really is inevitable.

The Honda Fit itself? Well, you'll have to check out other commercials for any actual info....

I could spend this entire post complaining about the blatant, phony diversity game being played by the good people at Honda here.  I mean, look at the characters in this ad- an Asian girl, a black guy, a red-haired white guy, and two brunettes of uncertain ethnicity.  For chrissakes, Honda.  Please.

Or I could beat up on the YouTube weirdos who really, really like the Asian girl.  I really hope I'm never that lonely.

Instead, I'll just point out that this Honda Fit commercial, like so many others, focuses entirely on the car's impressive trunk space.  So the car is being advertised as a $20,000 closet with wheels.  Wow, I'm so sold.

Ocean City presents the...um...."Fun" Family

Get it?  Because their last name is "Fun."  And they like to have "Fun."  Isn't that clever?

I wonder why they aren't the Inane Family.  Or the Doofus Family.  Or they Whitebread Family.  I mean, come on.  This perfectly ordinary, boring man-child bumped into a desperate, Clock-is-ticking Equally Uninteresting, Depressingly Fertile female of the species totally willing to mate with anyone who could provide sperm and a reasonable amount of money for a bank account and a House in the SuburbsTM.  In due time they managed to pass their DNA on to the next generation of perfectly ordinary, probably Just As Boring kids who will grow up to marry people of their same race and mind set and start the whole vicious cycle all over again.

In the meantime, these are the people you'll meet if you go to Ocean City, Maryland, otherwise known as Six Flags For People of Moderate Income.  Moron adults with their moron kids acting like morons. 

Now, if all this cloying - not to mention all the noise that goes with crowds of kids and their stupid parents and water slides and rides and ride lines- isn't for you, you could head a few miles down the road and enjoy the windswept dunes of Rehoboth Beach in Delaware.  No arcades or mini-golf or water slides or rollercoasters, just sand and surf and nature quiet time with your kids.  For people who don't need constant stimulation to keep their "brains" going, might be worth a visit.  But if you aspire to be like the "Fun" Family, please stick to Ocean City and the glitzy carnival atmosphere and the corn dogs and the cotton candy and the noise.  You wouldn't find the quiet beaches fun- in fact, you might find it downright terrifying having to entertain your kids without assistance from colorful shiny junk.  And we don't want you there anyway. 

Off to Florida for my annual Working Vacation!

I treat you to a minute of this woman with a very punchable face and waaaay too much enthusiasm in her voice to remind you that I will be grading AP exams in Tampa again from June 2-10, and won't be updating my blog until I return.

I was able to visit a few of these attractions last year- I walked the Riverwalk every day and took in a few museums.  The amusement park and George Steinbrenner field are a little too far away, so I missed minor league baseball, however we will be returning to Louisville Kentucky for the Reading next year and I'm looking forward to seeing the Bats play at Slugger Field again in 2019....

Enjoy the archives until I get back, everybody!