Ready to say goodbye to 2020, and Lexus December to Remember Ads

You gotta love how these twats take "being socially responsible" to mean that they can't even stop at grandma and grandpa's and let them talk to the kids through the glass- or over phones while looking at the kids through the window panes.  Nope, gotta keep distant, sorry mom and dad, you can see your grandchildren, but only as blurs as they drive past your house, hope you saw the homemade sign they made, we can't slow down for you to read it because we're on our way to a holiday ski weekend back home to be super-socially conscious and socially isolated!

And just look at mom and dad's faces- sure looks like they are sad that they can't actually stop to visit, doesn't it?  Sure looks like everyone misses being together, doesn't it?  I swear, mom and dad are secretly dreading the end of the Illness that Shall Not Be Mentioned because they'll have to come up with another excuse to avoid seeing the parents who don't live in a gated community.

Also gotta love how the Lexus sitting in front of the ridiculous-even-for-these-commercials-house actually melts the snow around it with it's Warmth-emitting Awesomeness.  They've never made snow good enough to approach one of these LookAtMeMobiles!

AT&T Commercial, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

 

1.  The doofus customer is outnumbered by the two employees 2-1 in the AT&T store, marking the first time in history that the customers have not outnumbered employees by at LEAST 15-1.  He also has TWO employees providing him information about this "new" service being offered (I don't know what it is, and I don't care.)  This is so reality-bending, my brain will break if I don't quickly move on....  

2.  This guy is INSTANTLY so taken by an "offer" which isn't even described in terms of conditions, price etc. that he whips out THE PHONE HE ALREADY HAS and calls his MOTHER.  Worse, he tells these two women that he's calling his MOTHER.  Which makes me almost want to go back and revisit my first issue with this stupid smoking pile of putrid dumb of an ad.    

3.  This guy is on the phone for all of FOUR SECONDS, but that was enough time for him to realize that he called the wrong number, the name of the guy he reached, AND that the guy he reached "sounded really excited" and he's "on his way here now."  Um, excuse me, but I had to go chase down my brain, which had hopped out of my skull and was making a mad dash for the door.   No, buddy.  Just NO.  You are using a cell phone which presumably has your mother's number saved in Contacts.  Kind of makes it hard to "dial a wrong number."  You did NOT have time to get a response from the guy you inexplicably accidentally called, let alone that the guy is "excited" and "on his way."  Why you be lyin', bro?

4.   Lily breaks the fourth wall in the most uncomfortable, awkward way I've ever seen in a tv commercial.  She looks like she wants to scream "save me from my AT&T contract, NBC wants to sign me to a sitcom and if I do this much longer I'll be typecast out of existence!"  She seriously looks like she's in pain.  But compared to her...

5.  Lily's Black FriendTM- who needed a chunk of her sales pitch to the doofus customer to be whitesplained by Lily- is even more awkward, giving a nervous "that's all we got, I have no idea what to do next" desperate shrug like she wants nothing more on Earth than to hear "cut" so she can step off the set and have herself a good, long cry.  Like the one I have pretty much every time this commercial shows up on my tv, which is roughly 6 times an hour during football games. 

Geico runs out of plausible ideas in record time

 

This is sad even for Geico, the masters of the beaten-to-death ad campaign. 

Remember those people who had a "clogging problem," and it turned out that it was their upstairs neighbors wearing clogs and dancing constantly?  Remember how we were able to ignore the fact that their problem was not one that any insurance could handle, because we were so amused at the play on words?  

And by "we," I mean, of course, "you," because you're all morons?

Remember those other people who had a "rat problem," and it turned out that the 80s rock group Ratt was hanging out in their kitchen?  That made infinitely less sense, because-- well, it's their house, right?  Can't they just kick Ratt out of it any time they want?  Call the police, whatever?  Oh, never mind- it didn't bother you, because Hey It's Ratt and they were popular back when I was young so it's all good!

(And again, by "I" I mean "you.")

Well, THIS family has a "fencing problem."  Except, they don't for most of the ad.  Their neighbors are into fencing.  This is bizarre to the central characters in this commercial, and I don't know why.  Their neighbors like to fence.  That means they are playing with swords.  They aren't dealing in stolen goods, and they aren't erecting fences on anyone else's property.  I don't quite see how this is anyone's "problem," unless these people think that they have the right to police the harmless activities of their neighbors who, by the way, aren't asking for permission to f---ing FENCE.

Ah, but here's where it becomes a "problem" that actually CAN be solved, though not with Geico insurance:  the fencing neighbors are suddenly right in their face, ON THEIR PATIO, IN THEIR DRIVEWAY, doing their fencing thing.  That's when you call- no, not Geico- but the F--ING POLICE.  Or at LEAST the Homeowner's Association.  Because these jackasses are TRESPASSING.  Maybe not quite as blatantly as Ratt, but they are STILL TRESPASSING.  So why are you idiots just rolling your eyes and looking perplexed?  Get on the phone to your local police or use your Second Amendment Freedoms and end your fencing problem, you morons!

Ok, rant over.  Back to my thesis.  Sure didn't take long for Geico to run out of hi-larious "problems" for people to deal with in these ads, did it?  And it isn't at all surprising that, having run out of ideas, they are just going to keep plowing forward, is it?

Bud Light's Cardboard Idiot, and the mouth-breathers who love him

 

This commercial, which runs for two minutes which feel like at least six, is the perfect example of a cute idea translating perfectly into a twenty or thirty second ad but instead dragged out and beaten until every ounce of charm has been drained.  Seriously, it's one joke- the doofus with the idiot look on his face and zero taste in beer is a cardboard cutout because Illness That Shall Not Be Mentioned.  The cardboard cutout gets up and-moves around, for some reason.  The expression on the cutout never changes, of course, so the guy is doomed to be recalled looking like a clueless doof in search for crappy low-calorie beer. 

And then the cutout leaves the stadium, goes down the street, gets on a bus (I guess, I seem to remember that, not watching it again) and does all this other stuff while I guess (judging from the YouTube Comments) half of America just loses control of its bowels with mirth or at the very least rushes to the internet to express admiration and appreciation for this Amazing Ad Should Have Debuted During the Super Bowl It's So Awesome. 

In the end, the cutout shows up at the actual guy's house for Reasons.  I don't know why and I don't want to think about it anymore, except that at this point I really wish the commercial had turned into a take-off on Us and the cardboard cutout had just brutally murdered the actual guy and taken his place.   Now that would have been worthy of an appreciative comment.  This meandering, padded two minutes of pointless crap?  Not so much. 

Dollops of Dumb

 

"Um, mom? Why did you just stick sour cream on my nose?"

"It's a really stupid tradition, but most traditions are.  My grandmother smeared this crap on my mom's face, and she smeared it on my face, and we all thought it was idiotic but for some reason we keep doing it anyway, so here you go, some sour cream on your nose Because Reasons."

"Um, ok....but the bride and groom smashing cake into each other's faces is a stupid tradition too, but when I got married we didn't do that..."

"I know, and the family is still mumbling about it behind your back.  They wonder if you were adopted."

"I wish I was." 

The message of the Mercedes Benz "Plushie" ad(s)

 

I'm going to ignore the fact that this plushie thing is drawn to the almost religious majesty of the Mercedes Benz just sitting in its glorious isolation in the middle of a crappy trucker's diner parking lot (which is absolutely where you'd expect to find a Mercedes Benz.)

Instead, let's look at the real moral of the story:  Hey, kids:  If you find yourself walking out of a greasy spoon diner heading back to your Mercedes Benz and you see what looks like a dirty, limp wounded animal in the road, you should immediately pick it up and hold it next to your face.  Then you should take it home with you. 

Keep in mind, you should only do these things if your parents are the owners of a Mercedes Benz and you live in a magical world where absolutely everything is perfect and nothing that happens to Real People living on the Real Planet Earth could ever happen to you.   If you attempt this and you aren't one of those people, please drop by the nearest Emergency Room on your way home for your rabies shots or, at the very least, salmonella treatments. 

In short, my advice to 99 percent of people out there:  Do Not Attempt.  And my advice to the other One Percent:  Please, Attempt Away.  Pick up that dirty, injured little living thing.*  Go for it.  Nothing bad could ever happen to you.

*Yes, I know it's just supposed to be an abandoned toy and this is all supposed to be super-heartwarming because a piece of cheap fabric stuffed with rags has Found a New Home with some rich kid whose mom will be throwing it back into the trash inside of a week when that kid has lost interest in that wet, dirty, germy thing she found in the parking lot.  Sure doesn't work for me, though.  Especially when it's so easy to imagine some kid watching this and trying to rescue that sweet little injured raccoon with the cute eyes daddy ran over with the Lincoln Navigator while on his way to the brokerage this morning. 

Quickle, Go into debt for the holidays!

 

Eighteen seconds in, the hyped-up-for-zero-reason narrator becomes slightly more socially responsible and suggests that quick-approval, crippling-interest-rate loans are a thing that exists if you find yourself in a dire financial emergency.  But that's eighteen seconds in- which means it comes AFTER he's grabbed you with the stunningly irresponsible idea that putting gifts you can't afford under the tree in order to fool your family into thinking that you are financially secure is a totally normal thing anyone who finds themselves short of cash just before Christmas should Obviously be doing because hey, Christmas. 

That's all I've got, because man, this is just so sad.  And probably a hell of a lot more relatable than any of those Lexus December to Remember ads featuring luxury cars with bows or Lincoln ads featuring women fleeing palaces to sit in their cars or even Toyota ads featuring little children encouraging their mommies to just go ahead and buy a new car because it caught their eye as they were walking past the showroom.  Certainly more relatable at the close of the Worst Year Ever for many, many of us.  Good riddance, 2020, which unfortunately did not mark the beginning of regular financial peril for millions of hard-working Americans, just a significant boost in their ranks.  I'd like to think we'll do better in 2021, but other than saying goodbye to the Disease that Shall Not Be Mentioned, it's more likely that the situation depicted in this ad is just going to be remain the Old Normal for way too many of us. 

Rocket Mortgage treats the viewers like children, again

 

As near as I can figure from about 200 slight glances/half-listening to this commercial over the course of several football games, the guy in the ad is someone for whom English is a second language and common sense/brains larger than those of a turnip a foreign concept.  He heard the phrase "there's money in your house" and proceeded to take a hammer to the walls of the home he inexplicably manages to own (I suspect that the woman we also see following him around with a bemused but otherwise "whatever, he's a guy and I was approaching thirty" look on her face might have something to do with that.)

This woman's response to seeing her Clearly Acquired out of Desperation spouse knocking holes in the wall looking for money (instead of looking for the orchestra he thought was in there whenever the doorbell rang, I suppose) is to whip out her phone and refinance....um...because I guess she suddenly needs to hold on to more of her money (I no longer believe this guy has anything to do with the household income because...come on.)  This is all supposed to be cute and what we are supposed to get out of it is how easy it is to refinance with Rocket Mortgage.  Frankly, the commercial would make infinitely more sense if it was an ad for a legal firm promoting how easy it is to file for divorce. 

These Fidelity Ads make me long for fingernails across a chalkboard

Ok, ok, stop me if you've heard this one:  "Two ridiculously wealthy, entitled, middle-aged douchenozzles walk into a brokerage for a private sit-down with their personal Fidelity Investments advisor, and....

Oh, you've heard this one.  Sorry."

Seriously, what the actual hell?  Mr. Hair Gel and his Artist Wife, who look to be maybe 60 but either already retired (and constantly playing with their investments) or a one-income household- either way, with money to burn- have the luxury of turning their plans on a dime because they've got such a ridiculously large portfolio that it simply doesn't matter which basket they place some of it in.  You just know that these are the kind of people who cluck "money doesn't mean that much to us" while balancing themselves on that mountain of cash.  You also know (I mean, just LOOK at them) that neither has done one day of actual hard labor in their entire lives to earn any of that vast fortune.

They are so well-acquainted with their Fidelity Money Manipulator that they can mention that "Audrey is having twins" and she'll immediately connect that to mean "you're going to be grandparents.  Please, sit down in these comfy chairs- the schoolteacher with $150,000 in her 401(k) who has an appointment for right now can wait in the lobby."  And they are so disgustingly entitled that they can stroll past a new condo, see that Lofts Are Available, and decide "hey, we should buy one of these so we can be closer to those twins.  Time to drop in on Our Girl at Fidelity again to shift some Wealth around, again."

(It would have been at least SOMEWHAT relatable if the Fidelity woman had reacted to "change of plans" with "so....you AREN'T going to be setting as much as you thought aside for those twins?  Going to buy a loft instead?"  But that wasn't going to happen- these jackanapes have more than enough money for college funds AND lofts- and hair gel, and Grandma's painting hobby, and every freaking other thing they happen to glance at or think about- thank you very much.)

This would be disgusting at any time, but it's soooo much more aggravating during what is for millions of Americans the close of the most stressful year in a generation.  So many people are wondering if they are going to be able to pay for utilities, health care, food- let alone presents for the kids next week, if they are going to return to work in the near future, if the government is going to provide them some financial relief as a bridge to better days....and they turn on the tv to see THIS putrid garbage, along with December to Remember Sales Events ads....hey Fidelity, could you maybe make ONE commercial that doesn't feature rich people having fun with their money, because that's pretty much ALL WE SEE between Thanksgiving and New Year's as it is....?

One of eTrade's rather ridiculous "no compromises" ads

 

I'm sorry, but if you get angry at your father for not knowing how to use the video sharing feature on smart phone to the point that you are using lines like "you've compromised enough this year," I think it's time to look into some anger management sessions.

I mean, come on.  I can just see this guy having a conversation with his dad- "I was being nice to you last year.  I didn't even murder someone when you didn't immediately know how to use video sharing, even though I wanted to, because I use eTrade which means I don't believe in compromising.  But I'm done compromising.  The next time you fail to use your phone correctly, we are cutting ties and you will not be seeing your grandson again."

What the hell?  This is the best eTrade's marketing partner could come up with when asked to think up a "no compromise" situation?  This is just stupid.  With all of the First World "problems" I could think of, this is the most First Worldish.  Your dad isn't asking for rent money or to move in with you, you ugly jerk.  He's having some slight difficulty learning to use a feature on a phone he isn't used to.  Calm down, can the attitude and take a chill pill.  

That Is All.

Three Observations concerning Xfinity's "Greatest Gift" Ad

 

1.  Ok, so I guess the idea here is that what people really miss in 2020 is "togetherness."  So the company that has been selling social isolation as a good thing when it's fostered by addiction to electronics is going to suddenly go All In on "Togetherness" as a thing that can be boxed up and delivered by Santa.

2.  I'm going to be charitable and assume that the total lack of masks throughout this ad is the product of all of these scenes being Happy Memories of Better Times which are being packaged by the Magic of Santa etc.

3.  Don't worry, Disgustingly Rich Entitled Suburban Twats:  This "togetherness" campaign isn't aimed at you.  Santa's still going to be dropping expensive luxury cars in front of YOUR houses.   The smell of cookies and Auntie's cheek pinches are just fine for those other losers.  You know that that it's not really anything like a "greatest gift" unless the words Audi, Lexus or BMW are emblazoned on the front. 

One Boomer's take on these stupid Verizon Ads

 

1.  The random stupid smiling faces.  What the hell are you people on?  Oh, right- the drug called FaceTime.  You are so very sad.

2.  "I'm on my phone 24/7."  Again, said with a smile.  That's nothing to be happy about, you freaking idiot.  There's more to life than interacting with your phone.  Am I speaking a foreign language to you?  Well, what difference could that possibly make, as you're clearly already dead.  And you can't hear what I'm saying anyway, unless of course I'm talking to you over your phone, which you're thrilled to be on "24/7."  Pathetic. 

3.  "We're a big soccer family."  Wow, so YOU'RE the one.  Is this an attempt to sell Verizon's soccer package as a reason to buy it?  

4.  "Handmaid's Tale...."  I loved the book.  The series is pretty much the most boring thing that has ever been committed to television.  I mean, come on.  Logan's Run translated into a weekly series better than Handmaid's Tale.  And the television series Logan's Run was basically just Star Trek on Earth.  Didn't work.  Neither does Handmaid's Tale. 

5.  "I love Frozen...."  You know it's available on DVD, right?  You don't really need a service package from Verizon, or anyone else, to watch Frozen as many times as you want.  You need a DVD player.  

6.  The stupid forced diversity.  Who are these people?  Are they a family?  If not, why are they all there together gushing about how awesome it is to never be off their phones or be able to watch tv shows and movies on tiny screens?  These people are simultaneously sad and ever so punchable. 

KFC Holiday Commercial is Piping Dumb

 

This whole setup- the talking snowman that creepily looks like its been possessed by the spirit of Colonel Sanders (I guess that after decades of spinning in his grave during all of these awful ads, it's about TIME he emerged in SOME fashion,) the massive tray of fried oil, potatoes and poultry, the ridiculous (but typical) overflowing bucket of Much Better Looking Chicken Than Any You'll Actually Get at KFC on the top of that tray, and even the stupid girl who apparently is just going to stand out there holding this tray (which must weigh at least 20 lbs, 19 of which is grease....all of it is just par for the course for KFC ads.

It's especially insulting, however, that we keep getting fed this "piping hot" line like it's supposed to be clever and not a giant Mallet of Stupid being applied to our heads to make sure we get the HI-LARIOUS joke that I guess the little girl didn't take the pile of Mass-produced poison off the hands of the snowman fast enough 'cause LOL HE MELTED LOL!!

When is KFC going to figure out that while only kids really want to eat this noxious crap, it's adults who actually have to be persuaded to pay for it?  I wonder if it will be before this fading chain of once-iconic stores goes under for good.  Until then, I guess we better start wearing helmets, because here's another college football commercial break, and here comes another round of KFC Stupid....

Sears Automotive Center Commercial from the age before Computers slowed down the process to the glacial level

 

I really do love the fact that one guy here can't believe how cheap a muffler is "installed," as if he was thinking maybe the price being quoted was for the off-the-shelf muffler he would then be expected to install himself.  Yes, installed, you moron.

But the main reason why I'm posting this little gem of a classic ad today is because of a question I have for Sears Auto Center:  Why is it that no matter why I use your service, it takes the cashier fifteen minutes of typing like he's writing a book report on War and Peace and (from what I can tell) visits to at least half a dozen different screens before FINALLY telling me how much that service is going to cost?  Seriously- only at Sears do I know that the REAL wait begins after you get the "your car is ready" call.  That's the time when you have to take out your wallet, suck it in, and wait out the ridiculous tappity tappity tappity tap drama that results in two pages of technobabble featuring an x showing me where to sign so I can get the heck out of there already. 

Blinkist: Orwell would be so proud

 

If you're in a hurry, please just scroll down to the asterisk for the Blinkist version.

This woman brags that she reads "one hundred books a month" with Blinkist.  She can do this despite having a full-time job and all kinds of other things in her life.  She's super-proud that with Blinkist, she can read a hundred books a month.

So what exactly IS this amazing Blinkist thing? Well, I've been hearing radio ads for Blinkist involving a guy telling a girl all about the stars, and having the girl ask a perfectly human question that goes kind of like "gee, where'd you pick up all that learning?  Are you a magician or something?"  He responds with a commercial for Blinkist, a service which takes books and cuts out all the boring stuff like background and nuance and development (I know, you're nodding off already) and gets to whatever the program thinks the "most important points" are.  

Wait a minute- what if you think that other parts of the books are more important and/or interesting?  Well, who cares?  You want to enjoy reading, or do you want to get it over with?  You want to appreciate a book, or do you want to brag about how many you read?  I mean, seriously.  What's important here?

Well, the woman in that radio ad- and this YouTube ad- are super-impressed with the focus on quantity  over quality.  Especially since there are Netflix shows to binge-watch and other things that take up so many hours who has time to read, really?  Come to think of it, I bet there are Netflix documentaries about stars.  I can just watch one of those.  And so can this girl with dead, vacant eyes who is so proud to be living a Life By Cliff Notes. 

*Reading doubleplus ungood, Blinkist plusgood buy.

Lincoln Presents: The Worst Woman on the Planet

There's a whole series of Lincoln commercials featuring this horrible woman and they all have the same storyline:  She drives her $100,000 car up to her multi-million dollar suburban mansion, opens the door, sees something mildly irritating, sighs in despair, and runs back to the perfect world of her $100,000 car.

I'm sorry, but seriously- what the hell?  We've seen this woman horrified at finding her parents in her living room, her husband playing with her kids, and now her kids playing in an inflatable snow globe which (gasp, horrors!) knocks over a few ridiculous trinkets on the (no doubt imported) coffee table in her Just-For-Show-Don't-Touch-Anything "living room."  And she never reacts any differently:  horrified at seeing people she feels like she should recognize for some reason doing something other than sitting like porcelain figurines in a china cabinet, she turns right around and seeks the shelter of her One True Love:  Whichever version of Lincoln she happens to own THIS Christmas.

This woman has zero to complain about in her life, so the sight of other people enjoying themselves in HER house will have to suffice as a reason to have a minor nervous breakdown and a case of the vapors that only her Lincoln truly understands.  And she can use it's Bluetooth to call the Au Pair and ask why she isn't supervising those kids (only to find out that Au Pair had just stepped into the kitchen for a moment to baste the capons and open the wine to let it breathe.) 

I don't say this very often unironically, but:  check out the Comment section.  You know your commercial is bad when the great majority of YouTube commenters agree with my cynical, nasty take on your ad, Lincoln.  This woman is gross.  Her attitude is gross.  You're gross.  I'd say you are really giving Lexus and Audi a run for their money, but you'd probably take it as a compliment.  

My final word (no promises) on State Farm "Rodgers Rate" ads

 

Let's admit it.

None of us would be surprised if one of these Rodgers Rate ads included Aaron Rodgers stepping out of the shower and being handed a towel by his Not Personal Nothing Special Going on Here Just Happened to be Hanging Around State Farm Insurance salesman.  Not because he's Aaron Rodgers, of course, but because....um, all State Farm customers get this....um, service.  Right?

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time.  So before we get there....how about we move on from this particular bit, ok, State Farm?  Please?  

Oh, and on the off-chance that this is a slice of real life in some way: Jake, get some help. You're a grown man, not a starstruck teenaged girl. Stop acting like a Lifetime Movie villain. This is getting seriously creepy.

Nasty, yet totally necessary, observations concerning this Kaiser Permanente commercial

1. This woman and her daughter obviously don't live in this house. How do I know this? Well, there's a "baby don't touch that"moment featuring what looks to be a heavy, expensive vase that's almost within reach (and certainly very breakable for this nasty little girl if she manages to swat it out of its place.) If this woman and that child actually lived in this home, that vase would either be someplace else, or not exist. I mean, mom isn't watching this horrid little thing 24/7, is she? 2. Yay, her shoulder- probably injured by her demon spawn- is healing nicely. Good to know. 3. "But how are YOU doing?" to me translates into "have you gotten over your overwhelming urge to murder that kid of yours?" or at least "how are you managing with your stressful not-parenting of that ridiculously badly-behaved, out of control little cretin you share DNA with?" 4. Seriously, what an awful little kid. What an awful mom who is clearly incapable of handling that awful little kid. I hope this woman has a full package with Kaiser Permanente, because it looks like Mommy's Little Accident is going to be the cause of a lot of phone calls and a lot of paperwork before Mommy can legally boot her out of the house.

eTrade's bizarre "compromise" commercials

 

Here's a heartwarming commercial for eTrade featuring a jackass who is so obsessed with his freaking portfolio that he totally forgot that it's kind of his turn to take care of the kids he chose to create with his spouse.  So while they are so bored from total lack of interaction with their dad - and so desperate for his attention- that they are literally throwing (salt?) into the air while in the same room with him, he's still not going to be more than slightly distracted from his mad pursuit of money.

It's so bad, in fact, that the tagline "you've compromised enough" is included in this ad and, presumably, his thoughts.  I seriously don't know what this could possibly mean other than "your kids are crap pains in the royal ass, you can't even get your TrophyWife to take care of them while you are busy fulfilling your proper function in the home by managing your- excuse me, the family's- vast and growing fortune.  And you thought you had a deal!  I suspect that the next scene features this guy joining Trophywives.com to start arranging for an Updated version.  After all, You've Compromised EnoughTM. 

What?  Is there another way to interpret all this?

Burger King invites me to indulge in my mean side

You may call the following comment mean, but I prefer "to the point." Except for that first young woman, none of these people have any business being excited about getting two Whoppers for $5. Instead, they should be wondering why the universe (or, just Burger King) is conspiring to keep them morbidly obese future diabetes/heart attack victims. Because you know darn well they ain't sharing that extra thousand calories with ANYBODY and all that just happened is a slight improvement on the odds that there might be a little bit left by the time these land whales pull into their driveways and a slight decline in the odds that any of them will live to see their grandchildren. 

Healy: A TENS Unit with 50% more Woo

 

 I was in a car accident 17 years ago (hit from behind by a drunk driver.) Part of my physical therapy involved using a TENS unit on my back. At the time, TENS units were only available directly from licensed therapists- to get mine, I had to put down a refundable $200 deposit and pay $20 per month for the three months I had it. It was pretty easy to use, and I got good at placing the sticky electrode things just right to send pulses into my back and ease muscle pain.

Some years later, I found a TENS unit available through a pharmacy in England, where they let you buy them off the shelf because, after all, it's not medication, it's not addictive and it's not all about making the company that owns the TENS trademark rich.  It cost me $40.  It still works more than a decade later, though I've purchased a new one recently (from America, because times change) so I can have a set at home and in Vermont for when I visit (it can be a pain to get these things through airport security.)

Anyway, what about this thing which uses "vibrations" to "solve" (not cure) all kind of "issues" we can have with our bodies?  Well, the people who made this thing are being both super-clever and super-sleazy at the same time.  This item is, in fact, FDA Approved- as a TENS unit.  It doesn't read your chakras (because you don't have any) or align your feng shui (because that's nonsense, too.)  It just sends electrical impulses into your body.  Because that's what a TENS unit does.  But this thing runs upwards of TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That's something your everyday TENS unit does NOT do.  It doesn't cost you an arm and a leg.  This thing costs an arm, a leg and probably one of your ears.  For a TENS unit.  Come on!!

Aflac and the Church of the Duck. It's Just Go Away Time.

 

I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on in this commercial?  Why is Nick Saban pimping for insurance?  Why are these people so damned psyched about the insurance?  Is this a group interview?  Where are they going in that bus?  

Is this a cult? 

And what is it with the comments in YouTube- they are even more cringey than usual.  If you're over 20 years old, this duck bit predates you.  Back then, it was mildly amusing.  Then it became annoying.  Then it became played.  And then there were another 19 years, until we got to today....and this.

Seriously, who are these people and where are they going in that bus?  Am I going to read a tragic story about them in the papers in a few days? Am I going to see weepy interviews with their family members over the next several days about how their loved ones first got involved in what looked like a nice man in a blue blazer who kept talking about insurance and then slowly started to change, become more chirpy, couldn't stop talking about the nice man in the blue blazer and his pet duck and how they were late for the weekly Park Meeting?  Will a cauldron of Kool Aid be involved?  

Another Experian "Credit Boost" ad, this one with John Cena Because Reasons

 

 "You didn't get the credit card you wanted" deadpans the apparently stoned girl at the bar. "There's nothing I can do" answers the greasy creep she's with. Ah but then John Cena shows up on a horse (whatever) and tells the greasy creep that there IS something he can do- he can downloan an app and push a button and like magic erase part of the lousy but totally-accurate credit history that is keeping his FICA score down. 

 Wow, problem solved and now- as the video description tells us- he can get that credit card he obviously needs because it's not like debt-to-credit ratio has an impact on your credit score or anything. 

Allow me to step in here, Mr. Cena. Because as someone for whom a 709 credit score would be a cause for investigation into identity theft, I have a few pieces of actual advice for Mr. "there's nothing I can do" here: 

1. Don't buy what you don't need. Having money is not an excuse for spending money. 

2. If you have debt and you continue to buy, you are just borrowing more from your debtors. Let me put this in simpler terms for simpler people: When you owe someone money, and instead of paying that person back you buy something else, you are using that person's money to buy yourself something. There's no "debt money" and "fun money." Don't believe me? Owe someone money. You'll get it then. 

3. Pay your bills on time, every time. 

4. And this is most important- live within your means. If you don't like the way you are living on the money you have, strive to make more money. Don't play Let's Pretend with debt. That big-screen tv and nice car you can't afford on your low salary isn't fooling anyone. It's lipstick on a pig. I might add- stop looking for a quick, easy, magical solution to the problem you created for yourself. But being patient and willing to sacrifice for the long term has never been a popular message on tv OR in real life, so I don't know why I should even bother. I'd also like to suggest that the guy in this ad should probably be grateful he can't get another credit card since he clearly couldn't manage the ones he current has- but again, why bother?

Kaiser Permanente's "Thrive" Commercial makes me want to shop for funeral homes

 

 Pardon me for feeling more than a little attacked by these Kaiser Permanente "thrive" commercials which celebrate the fact that SEVERAL people throughout recent history actually accomplished some amazing things DESPITE the fact that they were (GASP! REALLY? I demand to see the raw data!) in their FIFTIES.

I can only assume that each of these people were consuming the blood of young virgins during weekly Satanic ceremonies or had simply sold their souls to the devil in exchange for the gift of unnatural powers at such advanced ages.  I mean, Ernest Hemingway WROTE A BOOK at the age of FIFTY-TWO?  Clearly SOME black magic was at work- everyone knows that the average person who has NOT made an unholy pact with a demon is barely capable of getting out of bed at FIFTY-TWO!

These Lincoln Christmas ads....I just can't....

This woman walks into her freaking palace and sees that her mother and father have arrived early (and had keys to the palace, apparently) and have brought farm animals with them for reasons I don't want to begin to contemplate. Her response is to turn around without a word and get back into her car. This is a commercial from last year. This year's version, which I just saw on tv but have yet to find available on YouTube, features what I'm pretty sure is the exact same woman walking into ANOTHER ridiculous McMansion to find her husband and children (gasp) HAVING FUN playing with toys under the Christmas tree. Once again, this completely breaks her spirit and sends her running back to the unquestioning, unthreatening comfort of her freaking Lincoln. This woman has a pimped-out car and fabulous house but her life isn't perfect because every time she tries to take a break from looking at her fricking phone she finds things happening in that house that she doesn't exactly like and (for some reason) simply can't deal with at the moment. It's like her family just doesn't give her the level of serenity and apprecation her Lincoln does, so she might as well just sit in her g-d d---ed car because it's her safe space and sanctuary from what to 99 percent of us looks like a pretty damned good life. Seriously, turn the key and just go away, you spoiled rotten idiot. Everyone else in these ads can do better, and deserves better, than your sorry pampered butt. (BTW, the title of this ad is "Christmas Wish List." What on Earth does this woman wish for? I suspect it's that everything else in her life that is not her car just vanishes and never returns. Which leaves me wondering something else: what would be on her family's wish list? I doubt it's very complimentary to her.)

Why do car commercials think that parking garages have 50 MPH speed limits?

So I guess this nasty piece of Eurotrash and his significant other didn't really have any plans to exit their car and actually do anything; the driver just wants to drive around agressively at dangerous speeds until he runs out of gas because he's obsessed with a car he likes to pretend is not a mid-level Nissan Blandmobile. If I were this woman, I'd be progressing from amused, to mildly irritated, to deeply concerned once I realize he was leaving the city limits and suddenly barelling through snow (seriously, how many miles out of town ARE they by the end of this ad?) In fact, I'd start to suspect that his ultimate plan was to bludgeon me to death and dump me in the woods so he could have more Alone Time with his freaking car.

Remember when life was Tacless?

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https://youtu.be/bjGWWVLlkt8

Every time I turn around, there's another cheap piece of crap with the word "tac" tacked on to it (hey, that works...)  Tac lights, Tac Sunglasses, Tac portable chargers....and now "Tac Shavers."  As a very intelligent YouTube commentator (now that's a rarity) noted, we seem to be living in an era where just adding the letters "tac" to the As Seen on TV product is supposed to turn it from junk to Must-Have.

Because you never know when you'll be submerged in a swimming pool and suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to shave.

Because you can't be asked to find time to shave while you're actually at home, so you need this thing sitting in your glove compartment so you can run it over your face while stuck in traffic or sitting in the parking lot of a box store or wherever.

Because your last ounce of awareness that you're living in a society died a long time ago (around the time you had that $5000 earthquake-causing Suburbs-Shattering sound system installed in your car because everyone within 20 miles should know the kind of music you like listening to at 2 AM) and you just don't give a flying damn what anyone thinks of you anymore.  It's why you don't care if the people in the next lane see you shaving with one hand and staring at your cell phone with the other while you're supposed to be paying attention to the road (last week, a guy on the beltway was cruising along in the center lane at 30 MPH while propping a tablet against the steering wheel.  Because FU world, I guess.)  

Because you think "made with the needs of the military in mind" is a great argument to buy anything.  The customers of this product AREN'T in the military.  They don't need to be able to shave while standing in the pouring rain- I doubt they ever even need to shave while submerged in water.  I mean, what soldier is going to find himself in that situation and think "I need a shave?" anyway?  

Set your alarm 5 minutes earlier and shave your fricking face in your fricking house with a regular, house-bound razor, you morons.  

Another really awkward AT&T ad

 https://youtu.be/jL8aIJJhnVI

Watching this commercial for the first time, I really thought that one of two things was going to happen:

A.  The extremely uncomfortable-looking groom would admit that he desperately needed to urinate and excuse himself.   Seriously, the guy looks like he's going to explode and that the act of simply standing there is downright painful.  

B.  The bride, having taken a good, long look at her intended (perhaps for the first time?) realizes that he looks like a dyspeptic mannequin who looks about as enthusiastic about this whole thing as a miner entering the shaft elevator at 5 AM and maybe the MRS degree isn't worth what she thought it was. 

Either way, when the sassy black woman delivers the punchline, we are supposed to think it's HI-larious.  That part I know for SURE.  

Acura's in love with it's own commercial concepts

 https://youtu.be/Pzq2gbPFLlc

(This is the kind of ad that makes me almost look forward to the Lexus December to Remember season that is about to descend on us....hard.  Almost.)

At this point it should no longer surprise me that this insufferable wall of noise, blurred images and self-congratulatory garbage is followed by drooling morons posting "I love this ad" in the comments.  It's just par for the course these days:  put together an expensive minute or so of flashy, shiny junk, give it a soundtrack, slap it on tv and pay the bleating sheep a nickel a post to tell you how awesome it is and especially how much they adore and need need need the song that's attached to it. 

Meanwhile, this steaming pile of manipulative crud is topped off with what looks for all the world like a guy racing his blue Acura to run down a woman tied to the train tracks before the train can finish the job.  I seriously have no idea what his plan was once he got to the tracks- it's like he's playing a video game and running over the girl is worth 250 points and an additional life.  And don't even get me started on how the woman he "saves" ends up the driver....because I don't want to think about this noxious nonsense anymore.  Jesus Acura, just show the damn car sitting in a dealership somewhere.  We already know that if you push the gas pedal, it will go forward.  We already know that if you turn the steering wheel, it will make the car go in different directions.   I know that a couple of film art majors are super-proud of this commercial, but that doesn't mean I'm required to appreciate it.  It's an f--ing car ad for an f--ng overpriced luxury automobile, period.  Get the hell over yourself.  

The Talking Bucket is the most believable part of this KFC ad

 https://youtu.be/prFbaLDMG_A

I mean, if the bucket is going to include gigantic pieces of nothing that looks like KFC which also remains overflowing no matter how many pieces are removed from it, that bucket might as well start talking because the commercial is already off the rails when it comes to realism.  Not to mention the gigantic piles of potatoes and gravy and five-inch tall biscuits that are practically falling off the plate.  Not to mention the dad agreeing that the $50 or so worth of food we see on the table is "a lot better than microwave hot dogs," which may be true but it's not like those are the only two dinner choices available to anyone.  If you're going to include all that, a talking bucket is downright ordinary.  

(I do like how, in one scene, two people are excitedly talking in the background instead of daring to attack the enormous mountain of chicken which absolutely dominates the screen- it looks more like a barrel than a bucket in MOST of this ad.  And the beautifully choreographed scene where the kid is clearly waiting for his cue to reach for a piece of not-chicken.  Seriously, was that the best take you could get, KFC?)  

All this, and it still doesn't work in Vermont?

 https://youtu.be/a84UlLe6zDg

I actually managed to get through this ridiculous, overwrought, played-out-way-before-its-over self-congratulatory pile of steaming feces on the first try, even after realizing thirty seconds in it was going to just be another "we've got a budget and a minute and a half to fill, so let's spend that money and fill that time with insulting levels of dumb" commercial.

Woah....I just realized I said so much in the first run-on sentence paragraph, I really don't have any more to add.  Except that I lost count how many times this ad was about to end but then was padded out even more with unnecessary dialogue and repetitive WE GET IT button pushing and key-turning (how many times can you act like you're "ready" to do something and act like you are "doing" something which just leads to doing something else?  At least three, according to this ad.)  Oh, and that I'm even more appalled than usual with the comments.  What is WITH you people?

Yeah- no, Volvo. Just....No.

 https://youtu.be/XwZUZ42dYJo

The last thing I need from you is the portrayal of a greasy Eurotrash white suburban family which cruises around in a freaking Volvo compared to the people who worked from dawn to dusk in the mills.  Give us a fricking break.  

Oh, wait, maybe I'm being unfair.  Let's see- both this family and the mill family wake up before dawn.  Sure, one does that to make Espresso and get the children up, cleaned, clothed and off to school while the other ate last night's leftover scraps before trudging off for another 12-hour day surrounded by the incessant noise and cotton or coal dust of the mill, but that's just splitting hairs.  Sure, one family bundles into the Volvo while the other walks through the dark morning to the factory gates, but again- splitting hairs.  Sure, one will get two days out of every seven off for rest and relaxation from their office jobs while the other worked on average 6 and a half days per week at grindingly hard, dangerous work, but AGAIN I need to stop being so pedantic.   This really is an Apples to Apples comparison here, really.

So I'm going to stop being infuriated at the comparison of a wealthy family living in luxury in the American suburbs to the masses of half-starved, overworked, underpaid, oft-injured laborers who shook off sickness, weariness and a heavy sense of helplessness to get to the mill every morning to put food on the table.  After all, that first family owns a Volvo, not a Lexus or Audi.  Hard times in the mill, indeed.  

Is Alien Tape just punking us?

 https://youtu.be/IEu2PJn_6BM

I just have one question about this "amazing" tape/not tape product which allegedly can be used in place of wall-ruining tape and nails to do everything from hanging portraits to cementing bowls on to high chairs and fixing furniture in place:  Is it a "permanent solution," or is it not?

Watch this commercial very carefully.  Again and again, we're told how powerful this stuff is at holding things wherever you want to put them.  Several times the words THIS IS A PERMANANT SOLUTION shows up on the screen.  But at the same time, we're told that it's completely removable ("just twist and remove.")  That doesn't sound like much of a "permanent solution."  You can't have it both ways, Alien Tape!  Is this stuff that I can use to mount my 500-lb Rembrandt to the wall of my one-bedroom apartment, knowing that it will stay in place for ever and ever (that's what "permanent solution" means, right?)  Or am I at risk of knocking it off the wall if I bump into it, causing the material to "twist" slightly?  

It's really easy to miss that "this is a permanent solution" line, as it's never uttered, and meanwhile we keep being shown people making adjustments to the stuff that's been mounted with Alien Tape, including taking them completely down so we can see how the wall isn't damaged by the tape because "it's not an adhesive."  It's really easy to see people just buying this stuff, using it to mount something on their wall, seeing it's crooked- and not being able to budge it because THIS IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION, just like the small print in the commercial said but the narrator never did.  It's a lot easier to believe that this stuff doesn't actually work at all, and that expensive thing you mounted falls down and breaks in the middle of the night. Which is why I'm sticking to good old poster putty when I mount my Rembrandts.  But seriously, what the hell is going on here, Alien Tape?  Are you trying to get people to cement things to their walls, or get their priceless shower shelves broken, or what?

AT&T keeps circling the bay, jumping that shark

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https://youtu.be/ya3JnrfiDX0

In the bizarro world of AT&T, salespeople sit down with potential customers of comfy couches to discuss the benefits of the product as if they are in a Charles Schwab office ready to go over portfolio options.  I'm pretty sure we don't see anything like this in real life, where purchasing a phone and plan is far more likely to involve punching your name into a display and then waiting for your turn to talk to a twentysomething kid who will continue to juggle four customers while also giving you a twenty-second tutorial on why this new package isn't exactly the deal you heard about on TV because your FICA score is under 780.

It's also a world where being able to watch something called HBO Max on a tiny screen if you are already a subscriber is seen as an attractive feature.  Because being able to watch prime cable tv shows while squinting at a little box in your hand is something everyone really demands from their phone plan these days.  It's such an attractive feature, in fact, that Everyone's Favorite Spokeschoad will be interrupted by a blast of theme music every time she attempts to talk about it.  Boy does THAT get old quick. 

No, Jeep. Just- No.

 https://youtu.be/MbLVPtESzdc

Carl Sagan is spinning in his grave.

Seriously.  The Jeep ad that has been running all day today is not this one.  Instead, it features people driving jeeps in deserts, crashing them through forests, fording streams, jumping rocks, and basically doing everything possible to increase their carbon footprint for absolutely no reason other than Because We Can Cause Check Out This Jeep.

And then we get this "Jeep Cares about Climate Change" manipulative twee.  Lifting a recording from a true legend in about a dozen different disciplines including the environment.  To sell a freaking combustion engine gas-guzzling toy to Suburbanites with money burning holes in their pockets and (let's face it) a bad case of Midlife Crisis. 

Total fail, Jeep.

Viva Libre, I guess?

 https://youtu.be/lJbfcML01Hg

Yeah, I know it must be a real pain to stick your finger to check your blood sugar.  When I'm at home on vacation I do this for my dad every day, and it hurts just to watch when I push that little button that sticks a tack into one of his fingers.  Plus, I have never even once managed to extract the little needle from the delivery system without getting stuck with it myself.  If my dad had an infectious illness I would have caught it years ago. 

But I'm not sure I'd think it much of an improvement to stick what looks like one of those anti-shoplifting devices on your arm and then wear short sleeves so everyone on the planet can see you've got blood glucose issues- not that the people in these ads are at all interested in being discreet anyway, always just pausing during activities to check their blood sugar (seriously, what the hell?  Did they used to pause during biking to stick their fingers?  What compelled this woman to just stop riding in circles for a moment and check her blood sugar?  Just because she could, without sticking her finger with a pin?  I mean, come on.)

"Natural Vitality" is Latin for "Keep her drugged and stupid"

 https://youtu.be/0tzoIb_5asA

1.  I think this woman's immediate reaction should be to get that blouse off and under running water before the stain sets instead of drugging herself, but that's just me.

2.  I don't blame this guy for immediately offering his life partner a cup of holistic woo the moment he sees that she might be upset about something.  I wonder what he thought she'd so if he didn't instantly medicate her with a cup of dissolved powder.  But I guess he knows, and that that's all that mattered.  Gotta protect that kid, after all.

3.  This woman looks like she's a professional on her way to an important job when she gets her blouse defaced by her spawn.  Her spouse looks like he's on his way to absolutely nothing but has all the time in the world to stir himself up another cup of warm Nothing that he bought from the local store's Not Actually Drugs aisle.  This guy has Stay at Home Dad written all over him.  Not that there's anything wrong with being a stay at home dad.  It just kind of rubs me the wrong way to think that he's spending money his spouse brings into the house on holistic BS.  Get your act together, you idiot.  Because 

4.  This woman could do better than this ugly dweeb living in the house she obviously paid for.  Rinse that blouse in cold water RIGHT NOW, change, and go to work.  And after work, don't go straight home to this.  Go out and have drinks with friends instead.  Talk to them about what happened this morning.  And get ready to watch them glance at each other, roll their eyes, reach across the table, gently take your hand in theirs, and let you know that they've been waiting for you to wake up for years and now it's time to have a very serious conversation about your next steps. 

Lily, AT&T, and Trump-level Contempt for all of us

 https://youtu.be/vXL93-2it-c

"Hi, I'm Lily, a spokeschoad whose job depends on pitching AT&T products to the slobbering masses.  What can I do for you?"

"Hi Lily, I'm an idiot consumer talking to you on a Zoom call because I guess that's how things get done these days.  Because I'm an idiot, I'm going to ask you, a person whose paycheck depends on my opening my wallet and let your company suck out its contents, if I should be getting excited about a product you want me to be excited about.  Should I be excited about 5G?"

"Hi idiot customer.  Here's my answer- are you a loser?"

"No, I'm not a loser.  I just act like one on AT&T commercials."

"Ok, idiot customer- then the answer is yes.  You should be getting VERY excited about 5G, because we want you to be excited about it, and give us your money.  What's your next stupid question, idiot?"

"Sorry- I had to blink for a minute, and wipe the drool from my mouth.  Should I run to AT&T right now and buy this thing you're selling?"

"Wow, you really are stupid.  Why are we even still on this call?  Why aren't you already on your way to the store?  Don't forget your wallet, stupid."

"Wait...that was mean.  You shouldn't be rude....what were we talking about again?"

"Sourdough bread.  Because 16 seconds into this 42-second commercial, we're all done talking about this 'service' we're selling.  Get moving, Drooling Sheep."  

What's with these Rodgers Rate ads??

 https://youtu.be/dt9rfHBmTuw

Seems to me that if Aaron Rodgers has his own personal State Farm agent who shadows him throughout his life, never leaving his side, watching his every move and answering any questions he might have about his insurance coverage- and is not paying one dime than anyone else who also owns all this property protected by State Farm insurance and does NOT have his very own personal State Farm agent standing by 24/7, well then he IS getting a Rodgers Rate.

Can anyone explain these stupid ads to me?  Why does State Farm assign a rotating cast of insurance agents to hang out with Aaron Rodgers?  Why would Aaron Rodgers want this?  And how could this NOT cost more than an insurance company that is just there at the other end of the phone if you actually need to file a claim or ask a question?  The implication here is that Rodgers expects his insurance company to provide a brown-nosing, grinning little bodyguard/toady as well as coverage.  I mean, what the hell?

Meet the Dimings, before they are dead

 https://youtu.be/3yKJE7uKurU

Sorry to be so dark, but seriously- if these people don't get a hold of their obvious weight issues, they are going to die.  They need to get off that couch and stay off it, and maybe spend more time in the fresh fruits and veggies section of their local Walmart and less in the frozen food and bags of salty fatty crap sections.  

I mean, you've got this nice house in the suburbs plus that son to look after.  That ought to be motivation enough to stop slouching in front of the tv and get back on those bikes.

Hyundai's stupid commercial featuring a stupid dog and it's even more stupid owners

 https://youtu.be/rYsd37JrXPM

1.  Why didn't you train your dog not to do stupid crap like this?  I'm sure your neighbors are just thrilled with the eyesore it creates all over your lawn.  This is "adorable" to exactly two people- you idiots.  Your neighbors are wishing you'd consider moving.  Or training your dog.

2.  Why are you talking to that dog like it can understand what you're saying?  That dog has a brain the size of a rotten apple and with the wattage of key ring light.  It knows that you make a sound sometimes that somehow refers to it and sometimes results in food appearing.  It doesn't know what "keys" are or why you are sending sound waves at it. 

3.  Why is your "answer" to this problem to simply leave your dog on the lawn?  You guys are morons.  Thank you for not living near me :>)

Walmart's "Helpful" Keep Moving Tips

 https://youtu.be/A763EUIz54E

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How to control your blood pressure:

1.  Get more exercise.  For example, you could mop that floor faster, so you can get back to stocking shelves.  You could step up your walking pace, perhaps by ambushing more customers and guiding them to the cheap junk on those freshly-stocked shelves.  

2.  Smile more.  Get that look off  your face that just screams "I want to die" as you ring up your customers.  When you greet customers, don't tell them with your expression that you had no idea how very small those Social Security payments actually would be and how you'd rather be anywhere else but at the front entrance of your local Walmart.

3.  Stop thinking about how much your blood pressure medication costs, because that's not your employer's problem.  You should be grateful he even Gave You A JobTM.  After all, Times are ToughTM.  And when you go to vote next month, remember that Raising the Minimum Wage Causes Unemployment to RiseTM.  

4.  No, scheduling you for regular, consistent hours would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  That's a myth.

5.  No, paying you a living wage would NOT help your blood pressure issues.  Again, myth. 

And best of all: you don't have to worry about being seen in a Walmart!

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https://youtu.be/voLuHiIp5gY

(But you'd better answer that doorbell quick, because every second that goes by with those Obvious Blue Bags sitting at your front door is just screaming to your neighbors that you buy your groceries from Walmart.)

If you get this excited at a delivery from Walmart, Social Distancing has really taken a damaging toll on your psyche.  And all you have to get all this unlimited free delivery of products which represent the death of small businesses in the United States is sign up for a membership.  Might as well- you were at your laptop anyway. 

And hey, you're giving a delivery guy a job, at least temporarily anyway.  Don't forget the 50lb bags of dog food and cases of soda.  He doesn't mind.  He's lucky to have a job, after all.  

Dixie's hysterical "Make it Right" ad

 https://youtu.be/1LEokOZzoxE

So this guy has a date over for dinner.  He cooks the dinner, I guess to show off his skills in the kitchen.  This is a smart move.  It's the only smart move he makes in the entire commercial.  Everything else he does is completely, totally, budding-relationship-ending WRONG.

1.  He infantilizes his date by putting the food on the plate himself and carrying it in from the kitchen instead of just putting the ingredients on the table and letting her help herself.  She's an adult- she can't decide how much she wants?  He has to decide her portion size for her?  He really should not be doing this, ESPECIALLY since

2.  He puts a RIDICULOUS amount of food on that plate.  I mean, seriously.  He wants her to enjoy the food.  Maybe he wants to show her that he dismisses retrograde notions of "lady portions."  But does he want her to eat until she's uncomfortable.  Because, again- that's a LOT of food on that plate.

3.  He does some stupid little dance on the way in from the kitchen.  I don't know what that is, but....we don't want to see it, and I find it hard to believe that she does, either.  I know you're trying to make a big deal out of all of this, buddy, but...come on.  That's spaghetti and meatballs you're serving up.  Maybe it's your specialty, or maybe it's an old family recipe.  It's still just spaghetti and meatballs.

4.  This is the big one.  I can't believe I, a person who has a date roughly every Leap Year, has to point this out, but....you have a woman over for dinner.  That's pretty intimate.  Nobody does this on a first date- this comes after several dates in public places.  This is getting serious.  But you've managed to reach this level in the relationship, and you....serve dinner on CHEAP PAPER PLATES???  

OH MY GOD MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  PAPER PLATES?  Why don't you just come out and TELL this woman "I like you, but not enough to wash a freaking dish for?"  You are in your OWN HOUSE, you aren't at a camp site or even on the freaking patio.  YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE.  YOU ARE SERVING A FANCY DINNER to a woman who agreed to COME TO YOUR HOUSE.  YOU USE ACTUAL PLATES IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS!

Seriously, is this guy related to that jackass in the Downy commercials who wears a ragged t-shirt to a first date?  I guess we should be grateful that guys like this are willing to reveal their unsuitability as life partners early on and are therefore less likely to successfully bequeath their DNA to another generation, but jeeeesh....this is just sad.  

And then he blames the cheap paper plates for ruining his date.  Um, no, buddy.  Sorry, but NO.  You use plates meant for kid's birthday parties and built to carry slices of cake or a hot dog to attempt the transportation of 2 pounds of hot spaghetti and meatballs?  That's on you.  And if you never see that nice woman again, it's your loss and very much her gain.  She can do much, much better. 

Congratulations, Apple

 https://youtu.be/65JrtwtTOdc

You managed to create a commercial that gives me a headache no matter how I experience it- if I turn the sound off and just watch= Headache.  If I just listen to it without watching= Headache.  Hell, I'm neither listening to it or watching it right now, and I'm getting a headache from the MEMORY of it. 

No wonder the Comments are turned off on this one.  Just another obnoxious BUY THIS THING ITS SLIGHTLY NEWER THAN THE ONE YOU JUST BOUGHT commercial by one of the most obnoxious companies on the planet (and, yet, maybe not even the most obnoxious company on the planet that starts with the letter "A."  How weird is that?)

Clickbait Garbage that hit home for a few seconds....

 https://www.lifestyle-a2z.com/an-original-copy-of-this-vhs-might-make-you-a-small-fortune/?utm_medium=outbrain&utm_source=296&utm_campaign=201013111527541x0xchrome_002df252195286ef9f57a925d829228b18&utm_term=CNN+%28Turner+U.S.%29_CNN_00e8ca988f7d01a748f9a28d57d69900d7&utm_content=%5BGallery%5D+If+You+Have+Any+Of+These+VHS+Tapes%2C+You+Can+Retire%21&dicbo=v1-ab3b2ce0a157ee27a94ae91df606ccd8-0075a2d8e3bf3f3bf885f890df5a8afbcf-g5sgczlegzrgiljsmfrggljuhbrdoljzge4tiljtmjtdgnlfmjstszbxgm

The title of this nonsense slideshow clickbait BS is "if you own Any of these VHS Tapes, you can Retire!"  But with the very first "slide," you realize that this is simply inaccurate (an inaccurate clickbaity title?  HERESY!)  In fact, the first three examples of "valuable" VHS tapes are reportedly going for $20 each.  I can retire on $20?

I managed a video rental store in the late 1980s, and I recognize probably 90 percent of the titles listed here.  I personally sold dozens of copies of E.T. when it was released on VHS and remember setting up the display stand and taking pre-orders.  When the store closed down in late-1990 we sold our entire inventory and one customer purchased every single item in our Disney collection- probably fifty tapes- for $5 each.  Judging from the title of this nonsensical "news story," he would be in position to make himself a multimillionaire now, right?  

I only looked at the first ten items here, and adding up their value comes to about $3000.  I don't know how long this list is, but unless it extends into the hundreds, or includes one So Rare It Probably Doesn't Actually Exist tape, there's no way it all adds up to money you can "retire" on.  But because the article referenced something that pressed a nostalgia button, it got me to click and give it a partial going-over, so mission accomplished, I guess?

(BTW, I'm sure that if I go through my parents' storage area I can find several of these items- I know, for example, that I got a copy of E.T. for myself when it was released.  But I'll wait until I retire before putting it on the market- after all, it's sure to be worth a lot more than Night at the Movies-level money by then, right?  Like, Actual Retirement-level money?

How to sell $2 for $17.95

 https://youtu.be/p9RGSu8JYn8

Just slap some cheap color "art" on to $2 bills and sell it to the same people who mount Trump flags to their pickups and stocked up on Trumpy Bears and love wearing their If This Shirt Offends You Learn Some History Confederate flag T-shirts and spending evenings looking at their Lock Her Up Commemorative Coins.  

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the gullibility of the American Public- Mark Twain, among others.   I'd add that plenty of the members of that gullible public are perfectly happy to go broke if they can Annoy the Libs along the way to the poor house.  You can bet that when they get there, they'll be leaning heavily on their Social Security, Affordable Health Care coverage, and all those other Socialist programs that continue to destroy America because the China Virus and the Post Office conspired to bring down the Bestest President Ever in November, 2020.

Hey Wendy's, I'm distracted....

 https://youtu.be/Ueqs_u0xT7A

1.  No gloves being used in the handling of the food.

2.  The food is unwrapped as it sails down the bar, past g-d knows how many people.

3.  It passes at least ONE person because that phone it "dodges" isn't sitting there drinking by itself.

4.  It stops at a pack of (also uncovered) French Fries and a soda which I guess was sent flying down the bar ahead of time.  Not sure why that happened.

This would be a stupid commercial WITHOUT taking into account the Illness that Shall Not Be Named.  It's downright criminal these days. 

Fidelity to your own Gain

 https://youtu.be/1qGOvQrSY8s

I'm sorry, but if you need to jump on some "Fidelity Investments Dashboard" when you get up every morning, then your life has become one endless obsession with money and you really need to reassess your priorities.

I remember reading somewhere that the people who have the happiest lives and comfortable retirements are the ones who use an established brokerage firm to put away money every month, ignore the dips and rises of the market, and don't inquire into the balance until it's time to draw from it.  These people don't spend their lives obsessing over money, don't experience sleepless nights during selloffs....they just go about the business of Living.  They remember the reason why they hired a broker in the first place- so that they wouldn't have to do all this fretting and juggling. 

Oh, and what about all those people who did panic and sell this spring?  Well, they didn't do it because they had this Dashboard or an App on their Smartphones which sent them into a desperate frenzy.  The people who freaked out and sold were the people who are already retired and using those investments to supplement their laughably small Social Security checks, or the small investors who never had any faith in the market and got spooked by bad advice and gave people who DO use things like this Dashboard and investment Apps.   And who bought those stocks at a bargain?  I just answered that question, didn't I?

No Evidence Google Knows What It's Doing

 https://youtu.be/jQWrmxsQIM0

At the only blog I visit daily which is not my own, I am confronted- constantly- by a visually disgusting ad for a product I've used before but do not want to be reminded that I had to use and don't need color photographs reminding me of why I used it. 

Every. Single. Time.  

So I click on the "Feedback" tab and let Google know "I Am Not Interested in this Ad."  Google couldn't care less.  I keep getting versions of the same ad.  Still gross.  Still not interested. 

So I take another tack and click "Have seen this ad multiple times."  Google couldn't care less.  I've seen it multiple times?  Well, I guess I should get ready to see it even more times.  Does Google think that "Have seen this ad multiple times" is a thumbs-up from me?  Well, that would certainly explain a few things now, wouldn't it?  "This ad is on hundreds of times a day" translates to "people love our ad" in Google World, apparently.

To add insult to injury, Google always responds to my clicking with "Thank You.  Your Feedback Improves Google Ads."  Oh, does it?  After several weeks of this, there's no indication that Google gives a flying damn about my response.  Unless, again, it thinks that because I responded it means I liked the ad, and never mind that my responses would be seen as Negative by any human being.  And the fact that I've responded multiple times would scream STOP SHOWING ME THIS CRAP to any human being.

Google...seriously.  Stop this.  I've even started to click other advertisements at other sites hoping to convince Google to try to sell me something else, ANYTHING else.  I'd like to think that Google was just trying to harass me into complaining about their Amazing Ad Tools here.  Well, mission accomplished, Google.  Can we move on now, please? Please?

Rocket Mortgage is Just Weird

 https://youtu.be/wsm6uQrfnmg

Apparently, a group of geniuses at some ad agency was hired by Rocket Mortgage and told to come up with a commercial featuring a young family deciding that they needed a bigger house.  This group of geniuses put their heads together, racking their brains in an attempt to pick the very best reason why any family would want or need a bigger house.  Because they don't live in Reality and have zero experience with the Real World, this is what they came up with:

When do you realize you need a bigger house?  When one of your children....um....uses a magic marker to decorate his own face.  Yeah, that's it.  That's a good enough reason.  Let's pretend it makes sense, because we're useless, it's getting late, and if we don't get back to Rocket Mortgage within the next few days they are going to dump us and hire another ad agency.

So here we go.  This family has a small house- so small that 75% of them have to sit around a table in the same room together as they Still Don't Actually Interact.  It's ALREADY cramped, you see.  Then the fourth member of this group shows up with marker on his face.  And that's it- time for a bigger house, so we....um, don't have to sit in the same room together?  Don't need to see this kid anymore?  Won't feel compelled to KILL OUR KIDS if one of them does something mildly annoying/completely innocent but has to be portrayed as annoying because we've got that deadline with Rocket Mortgage?

Anyway, you can just respond to this...um....red flag....by whipping out your phone and applying for a Rocket Mortgage inside of thirty seconds.  Life-altering decision made....based on....this.  

I just....seriously, what the hell is going on, Rocket Mortgage?

TRIVAC WORX VACUUM! BECAUSE F--- SOCIETY!!

 https://youtu.be/lzLXCVNJGq8

"Know how every time you eat or drink or socialize outside, you and all your guests are ridiculous slobs who just leave cups and forks and plates and bowl and cheez-its and napkins everywhere because nobody knows how to behave like a civilized human being and use a trash can anymore?  Well, now there's the Trivac Worx Vacuum Cleaner System to solve all your Completely Relatable Cleanup Problems!"

Here, let me just turn it on and show you how 

EASY IT IS TO DO A QUICK CLEAN-UP AT POOLSIDE, ALL AROUND YOUR LAWN, YOUR DRIVEWAY, ANYWHERE YOU ENTERTAIN!!  AND DON'T FORGET THE REC ROOM, HUBBY'S MAN CAVE, EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS!"

"WHERE'S LES?"

"NO NOT LES, MESS!  EVERYWHERE THERE'S A MESS!  SEE HOW MUCH EASIER IT IS TO CLEAN?"

"WHAT?  WHO'S BEING MEAN?"

"NOT MEAN, CLEAN!  I SAID CLEAN!  THIS MAKES IT SO MUCH EASIER TO CLEAN!  JUST ONE PUSH OF THE BUTTON AND YOU'RE JOB IS DONE!"

"WHAT?  WHO WON?"

And it takes up very little space; just store it next to your snowblower and leafblower.  For an extra $19.99 we'll include military-grade noise-cancellation headsets.  Buy a pair for everyone in your family. As for the people who live on your street...well, that's just another problem this amazing product solves: Too-friendly neighbors.  Trust me- a couple of weekends of using this baby, and they'll never talk to you again.  

Start your kids on their journey to morbid obesity and diabetes early!

 https://youtu.be/Yz_Sb7m2bYQ

I just....I just can't with this thing.  Maybe it's because I spent all day yesterday driving to Vermont for fall break and I'm really tired, maybe I'm sick of living under a proto-Fascist administration which is currently reminding me of Russia in the days after Stalin died or Spain in the final days of Franco.  Maybe being in a bad mood is just My Normal.

Or maybe I'm just done seeing commercials for products which make it quick and easy to produce fatty junk for the whole family.  French fries, stuffed hamburgers, and now this bizarre Marshmallows mixed with other non-foods Frankenstein's Monster Creator that's fun for everyone who lives in your house from Age 4 to 9 (I didn't get through the entire 2 minutes 15 seconds of this- do any adults show up to supervise,* or do they just exist to make sure that there's an adequate supply of marshmallows, chocolate chips, M&Ms, sprinkles, and every other nutrition-free product capable of being squished into a blob of sugary goo using this device?)

*this would actually be easier to take if we were told these are free-range children who simply don't have parents, because this product is exactly the kind of thing we could see unsupervised kids using but we'd be horrified to find as a regular go-to in a home with actual adult supervision.

Another quick look at that AT&T ad....

 https://youtu.be/8JfArM3UXEg

(After all, if AT&T is going to make me watch it fifty times an hour, I should be allowed to get more than one post out of it...)

Let's imagine that this commercial featured a black woman straining to push a giant 5G prop across the floor of the AT&T store.  She's interrupted in her work by a white man who isn't even IN the store, who then proceeds to bark questions and then suggestions at her from the other side of the glass. 

The black, female AT&T employee's response is not to politely remind the non-customer that he's yelling at her through both a mask and a window while she is only trying to do her job.  It's to stop doing that job so she can better listen to the white guy demand that she explain what exactly that prop is all about, and then proceed to lecture her on how she SHOULD be doing her job. 

That go over well with you?  Anybody?

Dominos has our number

 https://youtu.be/1Mxh6wAia74

"Here at Domino's we figured out something during this pandemic:  Americans like to eat cheap, processed, fatty crap that ISN'T pizza or pasta.  We couldn't quite believe it, but statistics don't lie: It turns out that a whole lot of you are actually ordering Taco Bell and even McDonalds for delivery!"

"Needless to say, we were stunned.  We thought that Taco Bell and McDonalds were and always would be that spur of the moment crap you eat because you're in a massive hurry because you are working long hours plus it gives the illusion of being low-cost even though it really isn't at all when you factor in the negligible nutritional value, not to mention the addictive chemicals added in to keep you coming back in again and again and again.  It never occurred to us that people sitting at home would actually ORDER from those pig troughs!  Silly us, we apparently forgot that we live in a country where people line up for all-you-can eat cardboard pizza and cinnamon buns."

"So....better late than never, we're jumping on the bandwagon.  You want greasy taco-flavored garbage delivered to your door?  Here's a taco pizza!  You like cheap hamburger and processed 'cheese' on bread?  Here's a cheeseburger pizza!  Delivered right to your door, just like McDonalds and Taco Bell!"

"We apologize for misjudging you, America.  It won't happen again.  From now on, we'll be watching to see whatever horrific poisonous junk you're willing to pay to have delivered to your door despite the kitchen and stove being right there and despite the fact that you for sure own a refrigerator that is actually capable of keeping real food fresh until you are ready to spend a few minutes prepping it.  Our phone lines are open, our delivery cars a warmed up, and we're just waiting to be of service!"

Don't Mind Me, I'll just be in this Snow Fort I built next to you....The InnovaGoods Travel "pillow"

 https://youtu.be/Iucv6dT0YGo

Anyone who has spent any time in airports over the last twenty years has seen multiple display stands featuring travel pillows being offered for sale.  They are pretty much all the same, designed to wrap around your neck so your head doesn't shift while you sleep and wake you up.  The more expensive ones are filled with some kind of beads or seeds, while the cheapo versions need to be inflated with your own lung power before you attach it to your neck and try to get to sleep while being worried that it will lose air during your nap and you'll wake up with a crick in your neck and the guy in the next seat trying really hard not to snicker.  

I actually own a travel neck pillow thingee which is filled with beads or seeds; I've used it on long (11 hours on paper, 12+ in reality, all the time, because America) train trips.  It works ok, but it's obviously limited in it's utility as it will not prevent your body from shifting sideways as you sleep.  This is a big deal if you are one of those people who can fall asleep on a train, I guess.  I wouldn't know, because I'm not one of those people.

Anyway, here's a commercial for what I can best describe as a larger, more cumbersome version of the travel pillow.  It looks a lot like something I saw being advertised in one of those SkyMall magazines that sit in the pocket in front of your seat on American Airlines flights.  It goes a step further from providing stabilization for your neck and actually provides a mini-bed for your entire upper body to rest on.   You have to inflate it (which means you have to worry about it deflating, but let's be real- this thing isn't going to sell if it's filled with beads, weighs 15 lbs and counts as your carry-on) but once you do, you've got a little comfy personal space to lean into to take a nap or watch movies on your phone (without headphones, of course.)  Heck, if it isolates me from the person sitting next to me, maybe it's even worth it. 

But seriously- can you imagine using this if you aren't in the window seat?  Put it another way- how'd you like to be in the window seat and have the person in the aisle seat using this?  You're sitting there about to take off for a six-hour flight and the person sitting next to you, blocking your only exit to the restroom, is announcing "I'm going to be completely oblivious to you, probably asleep, in a few minutes- if you want to get up you'll have to interact with me physically, and btw this is also going to make it very difficult for you to get your drink or your meal because I'm basically creating a wall between you and the rest of the plane."  

You know what?  Just get one of those travel neck pillows at the gift shop and accept that you can't recreate your freaking bedroom for the flight.  You aren't the only person on the plane.  More to the point, you aren't the only person sitting in that row.  So unless you have the window seat, you don't get to use one of these stupid things, ok?

Remember Big City Sliders? Another As Seen on TV Commercial Gem

Original Commercial Here:   https://youtu.be/fUj_VOH_rY4

I don't want to spend any time ragging on the late Billy Mays here- not my place to knock another man's hustle, especially when that man has been dead for more than a decade now.  If you aren't that familiar with the guy, this is vintage Mays BTW- shouting his head off over an extremely underwhelming product  no one in their right mind would buy as if it's as essential to any kitchen as the sink.   The guy made a pretty decent living doing this, and as I said, it's not my place to knock it.  He found his niche.  Everybody has to.

Ok, on to the product.  Apparently, back in 2009 Americans just couldn't get enough of the mini-hamburgers you buy by the sack at White Castle and were struggling mightily to recreate that Tiny Hamburger taste at home.   This lead to frustration and awful greasy messes because it's the hardest thing win the world to make small hamburgers without specialized equipment.  So the wonderful Made for TV people decided to sell refigured muffin tins as slider molds and the rest wasn't even close to History.   

I wonder how many people actually bought these things- I admit that the hamburgers look pretty good, and I'm sure it was reassuring to learn that it was ok to stack several on top of each other and add CHEESE (wow!) and condiments (double wow!) just like they do at White Castle, don't worry it's not trademarked or anything.  And then you and your family can eat just as well as your average drunk college kid with the munchies at 2 AM on a Sunday morning.  

I take on Rocket Mortgage's Weird Non-Sequitur

 Original Commercial here:  https://youtu.be/kzcTwTlmi34

"When it comes to buying a house, THEY say 'Cash is king.'  But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful."

My brain just broke, and it's leaking all over the floor.  

Whoever "they" who are saying "cash is king" are, I'm pretty sure what they mean is that it's always preferable to pay cash for a purchase whenever necessary because that eliminates the issue of Interest.  In other words, it's the cheapest way to buy anything, be it a loaf of bread or a house.  When it comes to the latter, it means that you should save as much cash as you can so that you can borrow as little as possible.  Whatever you borrow is going to come with SOME interest payment.  

This isn't complicated, and it isn't Sexist because the phrase is "Cash is king," not "Cash is queen."  I mean, please.

"But you're a queen, and that's just as powerful..." I seriously have no idea what this means.  All that stuff I just said about paying cash is equally applicable regardless of the sex of the person making the purchase.  I mean, this is an ad for Rocket Mortgage, so it makes sense that it would sneer at the idea of paying cash.  But is it actually encouraging us to ignore the blatantly obvious truth in the term "cash is king" merely because some invisible "they" are insisting on it's accuracy?  Is Rocket Mortgage actually arguing that paying cash is NOT preferable to taking out a loan with Rocket Mortgage?  Is Rocket Mortgage offering zero percent interest on home loans?  Because if it isn't, well-- I'm sorry, but that old chestnut still applies here in Real Life.  If you can afford to pay cash, you immediately saving money by doing just that.   

BTW, Rocket Mortgage sure gets a lot out of it's "instant pre-approval" promise.  Pre-Approval is pretty much a meaningless joke in the loan industry- it just means that they ran your name and SS number and no massive red flags immediately jumped into their faces.  I'm guessing that more than 99 percent of people who contact Rocket Mortgage- or any other lender- gets a "Pre-Approval" in about three and a half minutes.  It means nothing, and is followed by an actual, detailed credit check which reveals that you are a good risk or a poor one, and whether you are going to get a low-interest loan, a high-interest loan, or no loan at all.  These ads make it look like you can just decide you want to buy a house and have the loan money in your account within seconds, which is just nonsense.  What you can do is get an instant "Pre-Approved" message on your phone that makes you feel like you are suddenly much more credit-worthy that even you thought you were.    Might even make you feel like a Queen- for a few days, anyway. 

Campbell's sells the very last thing you'll go to in the bomb shelter.

 Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/BfR9ABlM-vU

<iframe width="460" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BfR9ABlM-vU" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Someday, maybe someone will explain to me how exactly the most god-awful mass-manufactured mushy bland soup which has hints of actual taste only because it's saturated in salt contributes anything to bringing us "together' during Social Distancing.   Is it a throwback to this spring, with its panic shopping, because Campbell's Canned Liquid Dull is something you could quickly buy by the case and shove into a corner of the closet somewhere, hoping you never have to resort to heating it up and consuming it but deriving some very, very small amount of comfort knowing it's there if even Amazon runs out of food it's willing to deliver to the door of your freaking bunker?

Wow, the warm feels.   I'm so motivated to eat the liquid equivalent of Wonder Bread right now.  

A not-very responsible Snickers ad*

 <iframe width="400" height="360" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/negeco0b1L0" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/negeco0b1L0

Husband:  "I thought we were being good citizens and continuing to practice social distancing; I didn't think we were having people over in person."

Wife:  "No.  We're all done that.  Didn't you hear Trump on Fox the other night?  We are all done bowing to the Plandemic, which after all was sent here by China to defeat the President."

Husband:  "We aren't even wearing masks.  What the hell is going on here?"

Wife:  "You aren't listening.  Fake news.  Masks are for the Libs.  Now put some damn pants on, Libtard!"

*Seriously, what the hell?  

And if you are Anthony Rizzo, you might even be able to afford one....

 Original commercial here:  https://youtu.be/Da8UWU2FkEc

This "first ever" something-or-other vanity car STARTS at $133,000.  So if you play a professional sport- and aren't making your league minimum- you might be able to buy one of these.  If you want to let people know you have the money to buy one of these.  

You still won't be able to go "zero to sixty in 2.5 awe-inspiring seconds" unless you rent a race track and are willing to risk your six-figure car testing out the honesty of the commercial that hooked you into buying this shiny ego grip.   And as near as I can tell, all the regular traffic laws apply so forget about driving 70 MPH through busy city streets just because you saw Anthony Rizzo or some other pro Orb Ball Participant doing it in an ad. 

I seriously wonder who these commercials are really aimed at.  Are there really a lot of people watching the Bucs-Saints game who have over a hundred thousand dollars burning a hole in their pockets who don't ALREADY own a BMW or Lexus or Audi, or are always on the market for another car even if they do?

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find someone to install a dashboard-mounted SiriusXM radio in my 2010 Honda Accord.  I live in a totally different world than these people.  But I knew that already.