Hallmark Movie-level Subaru Commercial

So this woman's puppy runs away from his home and ends up at a neighbor's farm, where the neighbor does the sensible thing- points at it and tells it to "go home," as if the dog has a brain larger than a walnut and is going to understand instruction.  The dog is wearing a collar and a license- two items which mark the absolute limit of responsibility that it's owner is willing to take on- but the farmer guy never looks at them, and I really don't blame him.  That dog is a stranger that could bite if one gets too close.

Eventually, the woman shows up in her Subaru, collects her dog, and tells the farmer guy "sorry, this won't happen again."  This strongly implies that she's going to keep a close eye on that dog, maybe keep it on a leash when it's outdoors, you know, common sense stuff that maybe one dog owner in a hundred bothers to do because they are the ones who remember that it's THEIR dog and not anyone else's responsibility.  In a Hallmark Movie, this would be the beginning of a really dumb romance arc between the neighbor woman and the lonely, cynical, beaten-down-by-life farmer neighbor, but unfortunately we don't go there.

Turns out this woman has absolutely no intention of training her dog or keeping track of it at all, as it repeatedly runs away to the farm, which we now see is within eyesight of its home.  Irresponsible, rude dog owner woman now knows exactly where the dog is every time it vanishes, and because she's not all that into exercise (maybe this explains the dogs' perpetual desire to leave- it's never taken on walks?) she repeatedly drives her Subaru the 800 yards to the farmhouse to pick up her dog.

In the end, the old farmer guy has grown Very old and so has the dog, and the woman recognizes that "her" dog has built up a powerful connection with the old farmer guy.  She also presumes that Old Farmer Guy appreciates the constant visits from the old dog (and the regular "gifts" the old dog has left on his farm over the years) so he'll really enjoy it if she continues to bring it over now that it's old and can't move around much anymore.  I suspect that she's just dropping the dog off for some free pet-sitting, and she'll be heading to town in that Subaru See ya Later Old Man.

I can't help but wonder why this woman, once she realized where her dog was always running away to, didn't once just walk over to the farm to get her dog.  She tells us at the end that she's "logged a lot of miles" over the year in that Subaru-- jesus lady the farm is RIGHT THERE YOU CAN SEE IT FROM YOUR HOUSE.  There's no indication that this woman has mobility issues.  But again, we never see her giving this dog any exercise at all either.  So I think the take-away from this cloying little mess of an ad is that one day this woman bought a puppy that she proceeded to completely ignore until it ran away from utter boredom, requiring her to recapture it and return it home in her Subaru.  The dog spent its entire life longing to live at the farm with the old man who at least was outside regularly doing things the dog could watch and follow along with, not at all like this horrible woman who just wanted another piece of furniture which needed to be fed and tagged.  But the dog was constantly thwarted in its goal of living an active life for more than a few minutes at a time until it was finally too old to run around, at which point its wicked owner actually DROVE it to the precious farm so it could sit with the old farmer guy he should have been living with all along.

Just for fun, here's a vintage Nationwide Insurance Commercial!

1.  I don't have any kids, so I never got to experience the joys of "take your child to work day."  I always imagined that it meant showing your offspring what mommy or daddy do for a living.  I didn't think it meant "bring your child to your place of work and then totally ignore them while they attempt to murder customers."  The boy in this ad is totally unsupervised as he launches tiny missiles, potentially lethal rolls of quarters, etc. at the hapless guy in the drive-thru while his mommy....is having a 20-minute coffee break with the entire staff of the bank, I guess.

2.  I HAVE owned a car before, and I'm pretty sure that if I was in a bank drive-thru and it became clear that someone in the bank was trying to murder me by launching sharp or blunt objects at me at high speed, I would at least move that car ten feet to get out of the Kill Zone.  This guy just gets on his phone and calls his insurance agent while keeping his face right next to what has obviously become a gun nozzle.  It's pretty impressive that his skull isn't crushed, but if I were his insurance agent I'd ask him why he just sat there and allowed his car to take all this abuse instead of...well, like I suggested, depressing the gas pedal and moving ten feet forward.  Nationwide may be on your side, but I think Nationwide would also like its customers to show just a LITTLE common sense.  Just a LITTLE. 

Geico Double Feature

Maybe this woman is just being super-shallow-- I mean, she decides she doesn't like this guy and doesn't want to get to know him the moment she realizes that his profile pic is nothing like the way he looks in real life.  Of course, he doesn't help by launching into a series of obvious lies which confirm her suspicion that he's a deceitful creep, so maybe she's just being smart.



If you're one of those people who enjoy these "sequels," I don't want to know why, and I want nothing to with you or your sad little non-life.  I mean, beyond simply asking "what the hell is wrong with you?"

Another Good2Go Insurance Ad, finally featuring a white woman with kids!

"Cheap tuna baked item AGAIN?"

"I'm broke!  I spent all my money on actual, functional, legitimate car insurance!"

"Who are you talking too, mommy?  And really?  You're broke?  Where's dad?  Where's the child support?  Can't we get benefits from those nice people who must be helping you pay for this house?"

"Just eat your tuna whatever."

Three Days Later:

"Wow, steak?  Did you get a better job, Mommy?  Or did you get benefits?"

"Nope!  I just dumped that expensive, actual, functional, legitimate car insurance and got cut-rate, barely-legal car insurance from Good2Go!  And now we can afford steak!  It's all about priorities, kids!"

"Um, Mommy?  We can go back to eating tuna.  That's better for us than steak anyway.  We'd rather be covered in case you have another accident."

"Shut up and eat your steak, Mommy's having a night out and needs to feed you and stick you in front of the TV before she goes.  Now that I can drive AND have some pocket money, Mommy's finally going to live a little."

"Mommy?  Can we please just go back to walking everywhere?"

Sheba's Sick Cat Food Commercial....

...kind of speaks for itself, don't you think?

I mean what else is there to say about this horrific dreck?  This woman's child is somewhere in the house, bleeding...but Mommy is unwilling to disturb her kitty or interrupt her Very Special Time with Kitty to see what's going on and maybe tend to her kid's wound.  No need for that- after all, if the kid can call out, he can get bandages and patch himself up just fine.

Meanwhile, Kitty seems hungry- Mommy jumps up and feeds Kitty.  Kitty cannot wait.  It's not like it's a human child or anything.  Kitty depends on Mommy.  Child is old enough to articulate his needs, which means he's old enough to TEND to his needs.  Right?

The comment section also speaks for itself:  Cat owners who think it's funny, trolls who surf the comment sections ever-watchful for us "triggered" types so they can tell us to Lighten Up, and people like me who have two brain cells to rub together and a sense of humor that responds to actual humor and not abortions like.....this. 

Popeye's Chicken Sandwich, and the American Obsession with TV "fame"

Clearly, the people in this ad just wanted to be on television.  They didn't care if they had to be disgusting.  They didn't care if they had to act as if a sandwich had become the center of their universe.  Heck, they didn't care if the director told them to act as if they wanted to have non-consensual sex with that sandwich.  As long as the result was promised Face Time on TV, they were willing to do anything.  Which is why we see two fat ugly people describe the mystical experience they are having with a pile of fried ground chicken slavered with mayo, and another girl doing nothing more than pointing at the sandwich she apparently tried and failed to completely jam into her ridiculous maw and giving us "It good me eat you eat too" vibes.

Personally, I'd rather be anonymous than in a position where people might be texting me asking "hey is that your ridiculous fat face making a total ass of yourself in a freaking Popeye's commercial?"  But hey, that's just me.

Verizon Fios Mix & Match: Where DID those kids come from?

"All we need is every channel possible plus fast and unlimited internet service.  That's all we need.  If we just have those two things, we'll be Happy."

"If we don't have one of those two things- both of which, remember, we Need- we'll be miserable, and our family will be disfunctional.  We simply will not be able to go on.  Me, my husband, and these two kids who came from somewhere or another- we'll all act like we're trapped in a bomb shelter, the world has been nuked, and there's one television and DVD player that makes up one hundred percent of our entertainment options.  In other words, Thunderdome.  We'll be at each other's throats in fifteen seconds flat, and only the Strong will Survive."

"And if we can't have 3000 channels and a DVR which allows us to watch one of them while recording 16 others at the same time and be able to stream movies on our phones while talking and texting to other sapient human beings, well, I think a suicide pact is probably in the offing.  I mean, the only alternative I could think of other than quickly guzzling down a mixture of barbiturates and vodka is a board game or conversation, and that would just be ridiculous.

"After all, the last time two times the internet crashed, we got these little people nine months later.  Not going through THAT again."

American Car Shield + Ernie Hudson = Really, Really Sad

I'd say this is another case of a big Hollywood Star (or retired athlete) shilling for a few extra dollars- like Magic Johnson shilling for Rent A Center or Shaquille O'Neal pimping for The General car insurance.  Except, Ernie Hudson is not and never has been a big Hollywood Star.  This is a lot more like Wesley Snipes pitching anything he can get paid for pitching.  Shame on you, Earnie.  You were a freaking Ghostbuster when that meant something!

I wasn't going to use this ad. I was going to leave Ernie alone.  After all, I've snarked on this company before and I don't like to go back to the same well too often.  But two things changed my mind and convinced me to make this post:

1.  American Car Shield has apparently decided to be a HUGE sponsor of the XFL.  Not only did this commercial show up no less than a dozen times during the game I was watching this afternoon, but a THIRTY MINUTE INFOMERCIAL VERSION came on immediately following.  It's on as I'm typing this- and from my den I can hear disgusting lying spokeschoads yukking it up with Ernie Hudson about how "the check engine light is the scariest sight in the whole world" (that's the definition of Privilege, people) and yakking with nameless mechanics (unless you think a first name followed by an initial is a name) about how high even the simplest auto repair bills can be these days we've all got to stretch every dollar as far as it can go during these tough times yadda yadda yadda buy this scummy, scammy non-insurance 'cause look Ernie Hudson and all these "mechanics" and actors pretending to be customers just swear by it.

2.  Ernie Hudson commits two unforgivable crimes during (at least the long version) of this ad.  First, he's sitting there wearing a stupid Official Car Shield t-shirt like he's an f--ing employee you might expect to bump into at the non-existent Official Car Shield Office That Doesn't Exist Near You.  Second, he tells us - with a straight face- "when you need affordable coverage on your car, who ya gonna call?"  Yes, he went there.  I can only hope that Columbia Pictures slaps this bs "insurance" company down hard with a trademark violation suit.  Sorry, Ernie, but you and your new friends would totally deserve it.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 4- the Domino's Pizza "Risky Business" commercial

Somehow, the human-sized fungus in this ad is living in a palace of a house- I'm thinking "lottery winner" or maybe "house-sitter."  House-sitter would certainly explain why he starts the commercial trying to eat a TV dinner he has no interest in.

Anyway, Domino's decided that we're all super-nostalgic about the 80s nowadays (we've got that Top Gun sequel coming up this summer, right?) and everyone over the age of 45 or so will remember when Tom Cruise danced around the house in his underwear.  What Domino's forgot was that the scene they are lamely attempting to copy here takes place EARLY in the film, before Cruise's character has the night of his life- and having the night of his life has absolutely nothing to do with eating a bland, mass-produced pile of carbohydrates and sugar which tastes only slightly better than the box it came in.

The delivery guy makes some allusion to the idea that the fungus is going to have a great night.  Yeah, that's what I would think if I delivered a pizza to a guy I caught dancing around in his underwear, all by himself.  Right after I thought "wow, what a winner" and "I'd give anything to be THIS guy."  Uh huh.

Let's be real.  The dancing bacteria stain is going to take that pizza and a pack of Red Bull to his Rogers Electric Game Brick and settle down for a long night of playing whatever Call of Duty version we're up to these days.  The best part of his night- anticipating the brief human contact that came along with the pizza- is over.  As over as Domino's poorly thought-out attempt to tickle my nostalgia bone.

Expedia "Spa Weekend" ad: the only thing dumber is the comment section

If I owned a dog, I'd want a vacation from that dog.  Not a vacation WITH that dog.

And I really appreciate hotels that list themselves as "pet friendly."  To me, that means "people Un-friendly," and tells me they are hotels to avoid.

And now, an aside to all you dog owners who decided to pollute the comment section with your twee nonsense:  "That Look" the dog is giving it's owner in this ad is the only look the dog has.  That's how the dog looks when it's really happy.  That's how the dog looks like when it's really sad.  That's when the dog looks like at all times.  Dogs don't have the facial muscles required to frown, or smile, or any of the things you THINK the dog is doing because you are very sad people who desperately want to fill some weird holes in your lives with a companion that you think "love" you because....well, I'm not going to psychoanalyze you psychos beyond that.

The dog in this ad is just looking at its owner.  Maybe it wants to take a walk.  Maybe its hungry.  Maybe its just a mammal with a brain the size of a walnut that's been trained to have absolutely no clue what to do unless its being directed by its owner (I favor this interpretation as most likely.)  It has zero idea that you're planning a trip without it.  If you leave it at home it will probably be somewhat disoriented for a while, and when you return it will welcome the end of the fear that came with that confusion, and you'll interpret that as "he missed me" and "he loves me" because that's the sad person you are.

But, by all means: take your dog on vacation with you, so it can cut into your relaxation time by demanding walks, meals, etc.  Personally, I think vacations are completely fulfilling even if they don't include having to pick up feces and deposit it into plastic bags, but that's just me.  I'm not insane.

Superbowl Commercial Fail #3- the disgusting Cheetos "can't touch this" commercial

First- congratulations to MC Hammer for proving me wrong in my prediction back in 1999 that we would never, ever see him again.  I'm not a prophet, and I underestimated the power of nostalgia.

Second- this entire commercial is predicated on the theory that lazy twats need an excuse to avoid doing work.  Believe me, they do not.  Nor do they need excuses for when they find themselves friendless and jobless- the reasons are obvious. 

Third- anyone who has ever eaten Cheetos knows that the act of eating them out of a bag does NOT coat your hand with cheese powder like this....unless....and I'm just being charitable here....the consumer of the Cheetos repeatedly licks his hand before going in for more non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.  So the guy in this ad isn't just a lazy twat who wants to avoid helping anyone do anything.  He's also an infant who wants to make absolutely certain no one asks him for some of those non-food cheese-flavored air puffs.

Fourth- go away, MC Hammer. You were not missed.  Not by anyone.  Not even for a moment.

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 2- the Mountain Dew Spot

This is what happens when you've got a bucket of money to pay for a Superbowl ad but lack an actual product to sell:  You just pander to the slack-jawed yokels who only watch the game for the ads and expect to be entertained without being asked to remember what the product was (and, in fact, don't even care if a product was being offered for sale at all.)

We get nonsense pandering garbage like this.  Hey look, everybody- we're doing a take on The Shining, that's just a super-awesome original idea, isn't it?  And it's really really funny because all this "scary" fuss is about a yellowish-green liquid nobody with taste buds would want to drink.

Remember when Jack Nicholson said "heeeere's Johnny!" in The Shining?  Remember how that improv became so iconic?  Remember how it then became beaten into the ground with repetition on sitcoms, in films, live on stage and pretty much everywhere else over the past four decades?  Well, here it is again.  Laugh, Viewer Monkeys!

Superbowl Commercial Fail # 1- the Jason Momoa Rocket Mortgage Spot

First, let me say that Jason Momoa is certainly doing very well for himself, based on that house and assuming that really IS his house.  I mean, this is a guy who was "starring" in Baywatch Hawaii twenty years ago.   Don't remember Baywatch Hawaii?  There's a very good reason.

How many other former cast members of Baywatch Hawaii are living in a house like that?  Again, this guy is doing very well for himself.

On the other hand, this is the wrong marketing campaign for Rocket Mortgage, a BS do-it-from-your-phone mortgage company that dresses itself up like an intelligent alternative to the actual brick and mortar bank down the street to sign away several thousand dollars a month for the next thirty years.  In fact, this is EXACTLY how I think about Rocket Mortgage- impressive-looking on the outside due entirely to claims it makes for itself, but absolutely phony beneath the surface.   A company acting like the new Big Rich Boy on the block while struggling to compete by spinning off mortgage services to stupid people behind closed doors.  A scrawny FAKE hiding under an armor of borrowed legitimacy in an age where people trust Apps waaaaayyyyy too much.

But good for you, Jason Momoa, for making so much out of so very little.  I don't know of anyone else whose career even survived that awful tv show from the turn of the century.  One surprisingly good and popular DC Comics film and you're living in that house.  Way to go.  Gotta knock your Rocket Mortgage hustle, though.  You don't know anything about this.  You don't need this money.  Maybe you should just head over to State Farm and become Aaron Rodgers' best friend, now that his old one has superseded him on the football field.

Raymond James: Whatever they went through, every fall was broken by a big pile of money

....That just kept growing and growing and growing...

The pasty white couple in this ad got married and moved to the suburbs.  The guy got a Suitable Job at an Office downtown, while the woman got to work having 2.5 children.  They experienced Everyday Life- new jobs, problems with kids (including a trip to the emergency room at some point,) in-laws and other relatives, etc. etc. etc.  Oh, they had a nasty wading pool on their postage stamp lawn because that's what suburban families that want to be hated by their neighbors do, I guess.

After years of years of this very banal, very ordinary Life, the couple are elderly and that wading pool has been replaced by an in-ground pool which I guess they could afford despite the fact that all this time they've been throwing money at their Raymond James representative so that someday they could stop working at Very Important Jobs in Big Office Buildings and just...well, die with money, I guess.

All of this is supposed to be very inspiring, I suppose, but frankly, I can't work up the warm feels for this couple or any other which is just going through the Everyday of being a privileged white couple with children in the United States in 2019.  Get back to me when you want to make a commercial showing the guy flipping burgers, the woman falling for an MLM pyramid scheme because she can't afford daycare and they can't make ends meet in a one-bedroom apartment in the bad part of town.  Oh, but people like that don't have extra money falling out of their pockets every month, and therefore are not Raymond James customers, so they just don't count.  To Raymond James, that is.