Probably my favorite As Seen on TV piece of nothing- the "HD Antenna"

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/micrHBNFfGo

Tired of massive cable bills?  The average American spends more than two million dollars a year just for access to television signals!  And what if you HAVE cable and you want to set up a second TV in another room?  Well, you COULD spend $10-$15 million on a contractor to rip down a wall, set up a cell tower, or have the Evil Cable Company come and install a new box- and then you're right back to THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY just for the pleasure of watching Your Favorite ChannelsTM.

Instead, for just $10 plus Shipping and Handling, we can send you a flat piece of metal and plastic which is basically just a fancy-looking coat hanger to plug into the back of your tv.  That's it!  You pay for it ONCE, and you're DONE- doesn't that sound better than two million dollars a year for cable?  Just plug on this coat hanger---err, HD TV Antenna, and you'll get ALL your favorite channels (assuming that your favorite channels are the local ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX affiliates, Retro,  Grit,  JumpTV and any number of networks featuring nothing but Spanish-language soap operas.)  All in GLORIOUS HD (assuming you actually own an HDTV, of course.)

Now you can watch the Big Game on TV.  You can also watch the pre-game show before the Big Game.  You can watch the stuff on before the pre-game show that has nothing to do with the Big Game.  You can just watch tv whenever you want is what we're saying. 

Just check out this awesome commercial chock-full of photo-shopped images of people magically getting crystal-clear HD pictures on their TVs.  Wouldn't you want to be one of them?  Order Today- or save even more money by attaching a coat hanger, key ring, or pretty much anything else metal to the back of your tv.  But don't do that.  Just send me your money and I'll send you a piece of pointless junk that comes with a bucketful of nonsense claims, ok?  

Lilly, AT&T and pretty much the opposite of complicated

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/8JfArM3UXEg

Lilly's job now includes hauling obscenely huge promotional materials around a random AT&T store and yelling "information" at random idiots who don't seem to get that as long as they are wearing a mask anyway they might as well just come into the damn store like a sane person (unless the store is not open yet, in which case- just wait till the damn store opens, you entitled jackass!)

Lilly yells at this guy that yes, that enormous 5G prop means that AT&T is offering service using...um, well, 5G.  That's super-impressive to the guy even BEFORE he confirms that this means a faster connection.  Hey, I guess the huge props do work even before people know what they refer to.  Back in my Video Rental Store days, I'd spend hours sometimes putting together three-dimensional props advertising new releases (I vividly remember how complicated the An American Tail prop was, and how the Throw Momma From the Train prop allowed passer-bys to hear Owen's mom bleat "Owen loves his momma" by pushing a button.  We were so happy when it was time to take THAT one down...)  Thing is, those props actually told people what was on sale.  This just says 5G which, the commercial admits, actually tells the customer absolutely NOTHING.  

No, this isn't "complicated."  It's just a service upgrade which is all the rage at the moment (including among the crowd that thinks 5G is responsible for COVID, Autism and BLM) but will be snickered at as ancient tech next year.  But as of late August 2020 this all looks pretty great and you should probably just walk in and sign up because after all you've got a mask on and if Lilly's anything like me she's only talking to you because the store is open (when I worked in Video Rental, I was 100 percent deaf until it was time to open the door, sorry.)

Another TDAmeritrade "pay us to kiss your butt" commercial

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Original commercial here:  https://youtu.be/EyTx4PWiXJY

Apparently this guy booked a meeting with his financial advisor because he's confused about why he needs a financial advisor, considering that he's decided that he never wants to retire.

Either that, or he just wanted an audience for the I've Had an Amazing Life I'm Basically Horatio Alger story that nobody who isn't paid to hear it wants to sit through again.

This "meeting" is over in about three minutes, except that it's in this financial advisor's best interest to politely listen to his client explain why he doesn't really need to set aside money for retirement as he has no intention of ever retiring while simultaneously convincing him to keep shoveling money into that fund Because Reasons. 

Care.com's bizarre "Am I Cute" ad

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Original commercial here:  https://youtu.be/L3ggCi9eAr0

1.  "Am I cute?"^  Right up to the moment you opened your mouth, maybe.  Then "cute" went out the window, replaced by "cloying," "insufferable," "cliche'd," etc.  Hey, Mom of this child?  Congratulations on getting your kid into the world of Kid Actors.  Now please get her out and allow her to have a life.

2. "I mean, look at these dimples." I would, if there were any.  The person who told you to say that doesn't know what dimples are- apparently, he thinks it means "child cheeks"- or figures the audience doesn't know what dimples are.

3.  "Look at mom and dad over there, cleaning on a Saturday instead of playing with me."  You mean, cleaning that big suburban home they chose to purchase.  A home that 99 percent of the population of the planet would die for.  Oh, and "Saturday," as in "Weekend?"  A totally bizarre concept for billions of people who labor seven days a week for food and shelter.  Your parents are keeping their Western Palace clean.  #firstworldprobs.

4.  The "solution" to this kid's "problem (which is that her parents are not paying enough attention to her on a Saturday)?  Hire someone who DOESN'T live in a suburban McMansion or make six figures to clean their palace so the owners don't have to.  Someone who very likely has children of her own who will wonder why THEIR parent isn't around to play with them on Saturdays.  Those kids don't count, of course, because they aren't as white as this kid, plus they probably don't even have dimples. 

*for a moment, I thought this might be an ad for a kid seeking child care and was thoroughly creeped out.  Seriously, kids, do NOT advertise for babysitting services by asking prospective employees to comment on your "cuteness."  And anyway, what is this kid saying- her parents should be free to play with her because she's CUTE?  Does she feel rejected because she isn't good-looking enough to play with?  So much unsettling weird here.

Dennis Haysbert and Allstate, Happily Ever After?

Original Commercial here:   https://ispot.tv/a/nVlf

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Dennis Haysbert is an actual actor who has appeared in more than fifty theater-released films and at least as many television programs over the course of a forty-year career.  He's done theater work and runs his own production company.  But when he walks into a hamburger place he's "that guy" who says "that thing" in idiotic insurance commercials.  Might as well be a CGI goose or lizard.

I'm reminded of Michael Caine's reply to the question "did you ever actually see 'Jaws 3-D?'"  Caine famously shot back "no, but I've seen the house it bought.  It's great."  

Hope the money makes it all worthwhile, Mr. Haysbert. 

More Not Available in Stores Fun: Lava Lunch

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/pMOwaNmguxI

1.  The woman packing the lunches looks completely dead inside even AFTER she's using Lava Lunch Microwavable Heat Packs.  Clearly microwaving hot chemicals and then using them to keep someone else's lunch hot isn't making her life worth living.  More likely Lava Lunch Chemical Bricks make her life all that much worse, because now instead of a cold sandwich and a bag of chips or veggies, those kids and hubby are going to expect a freaking full meal in that lunchbox every. Single. Day.   Or, at least, until whatever chemicals are retaining heat for "up to five hours" that are contained in these Direct from China portable toxic waste packets leach into that food you prepared and she finds herself starting a new life on her own.

2.  Are microwaves just not a thing anymore?  Ok, I guess maybe if you're a construction worker on the 15th floor of a building skeleton, or a police officer, it might be nice to be able to keep food hot for five hours....but don't most people have access to microwave ovens at their place of work? 

3.  Seriously, is it really so hard to just eat a light lunch consisting of a sandwich, a few pieces of chopped vegetables, a cup of yogurt, maybe some fruit?  I wouldn't want to eat a hot meal in the middle of the day; I think I'd pass out by mid-afternoon.  I mean, what the heck?

Prevagen: everything that is wrong about advertising in the United States

 

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Original Commercial here:  https://youtu.be/INEG50zFrRU

At no time in this commercial will you hear three things you ALWAYS here in ads for actual, FDA-approved medication:

1.  How it's supposed to work

2.  Possible side effects

3.  Encouragement to Ask your Doctor about the product.

The reason why you won't hear any of those things is because Prevagen is not medication.  It's a dietary supplement.  Therefore,

1.  There's no science behind why it may or may not work

2.  There are no side effects, because there are no effects at all

3.  Your doctor is a paid huckster for Big Pharma, so no point in asking HIM about it.  He'll just call it Woo or Snake Oil like all closed-minded sheep do.

Instead, you get to spend a minute and a half listening to two nice old people chat about how they met, what they like to do, and how they seem to be getting benefits from this stuff that's sold not in the medicine but in the nutrition aisle of their local Giant Food Store.  There are no false claims here- just thought you'd like to hear about how two nice old people take these pills and think they work to improve memory.  That this stuff is sold in a bottle which SURE LOOKS LIKE PHARMACY-ISSUED MEDICATION is purely incidental.  That these nice old people are talking about memory improvement while also mentioning Prevagen is ALSO purely incidental.  No actual claims, no science, no problem. 

This is why there was a GNC in every mall back when there were malls- because it's just way too easy to sell junk in bottles as long as it's labeled Supplement and includes a little disclaimer about the FDA not backing up any of the claims of the seller.  This isn't harmless when you consider how many people avoid actual medical advice because they think they can just fix problems like failing memory with something sitting on the shelf next to the Green Tea Fat Burners and Copper bracelets.  But it's perfectly legal because Hey USA and Hey Capitalism. 

Taco Bell celebrates being a big part of the problem

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Original Commercial here:  https://youtu.be/vNuw7_hpW44

I've been forced to endure this commercial more times than I care to count.  I don't get it, and I don't care that I don't get it.

Taco Bell is selling "double-stuffed" tacos for $1 each because Americans can not get enough of deceptively expensive non-food crap designed to taste and feel good in your mouth and leave you hungry again within a few hours.  These things are 310 to 350 calories each and would consist of a full day's requirement of fat and salt if we actually had "daily requirements" of fat and salt we had to make sure we got and didn't consume accidentally just by eating actual Food.  And at $1 each you know NOBODY is going to buy just one.  

Know why Segways failed to catch on?  You have to stand up while using them.  Meanwhile those motorized scooters are still being manufactured and sold because Americans believe being "body positive" means eating your way into a disability, one Stuffed Taco at a time. 

Community Tax Relief for people who don't want to pay for that Community

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Original Commercial here:  https://youtu.be/0fsiutayjLM

"Do you owe over $10,000 in taxes to the IRS or State?"  No, I don't owe one penny to the IRS or State.  But what I owed $1000, or $9999?  Am I out of luck as far as you are concerned?  Would you advise me to keep being a scofflaw until I hit that magic $10,000 mark?  What if I didn't owe $10,000 in taxes but I DID owe $10,000 in credit card debt?  Would you connect me to another 'service?'  What is it about that $10,000 figure, anyway? 

"Have you been threatened with levies or garnishments?"  If I were a typical customer of your 'service,' I would not even know what those words meant, but they would sound really scary, something Hillary Clinton came up with when she wasn't hiding her emails.

"The IRS has the power to seize your assets, freeze your bank account, and even take your paycheck!"  Let me try to explain this to you, and not for the first time.  When you don't pay your debts, your assets are not "your" assets.  When you owe someone- anyone-money, every penny you spend instead of paying back that debt is money stolen from your creditor.  So everything you buy with that money represents an act of theft.  If you don't pay your taxes, but buy a house instead, that house was purchased with stolen money.  This really isn't all that complicated.  If the IRS has the right to take that house you purchased with money you were supposed to pay in taxes, it's because that house represents the money YOU OWED THE IRS.   The IRS would rather have the money, but it can't get that money because YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH IT.  

Again.  This is NOT complicated.

The rest of this awfulness is just a pitch for one particular Pay Us to Save you from your Responsibilities as a Citizen company, so I'm going to end my comments with a positive note:  at least this one doesn't show us a middle-aged, fat white guy sitting next to an SUV parked in front of a suburban McMansion and swimming pool laughing with relief into a phone as he's being told that he won't have to adjust his Lifestyle because he's a hard-working American who just didn't pay his taxes.  

Oh Snap! Cheez-Its ad gets a big thumbs-up for honesty

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Original Commercial here:  https://youtu.be/cf5XrlSTQOs

I'm amazed at how realistic this ad probably is.  I wouldn't be surprised if something like this has actually happened in a lab somewhere.

For decades, snack companies like Nabisco, Hostess, etc. have actually employed scientists to assist in the manufacture of garbage "food" with exactly the right levels of salt, sugar and fat to trigger just the right brain chemistry and achieve what I've heard referred to as a "bliss point," or a momentary brain state very similar to that achieved while consuming heroin.  They've invested millions on finding just the right textures and even SOUNDS that will appeal to the most human mouths and ears.  And they've practically perfected the art of engineering flavors that last JUST long enough to make the consumer reach for another- and another- and another- to keep that taste going rather than suffer an emotional letdown.  Never mind finding a cure for Covid or Cancer- food addiction is where the REAL money is. 

None of this was a particularly well-guarded secret before the internet- The New York Times and The New Yorker published rather large essays regarding the engineering of addictive foods as far back as the 1970s.  But I had never seen a snack food company actually celebrate the ability to rewire their customers' brain chemistry to the point where people could go insane for their product.  It's especially strange that this comes out while America is falling deeper into a national health crisis (no, not Covid.  Obesity.)  Not just honest.  In Your Face, What Are You Going To Do About It?  honest. 

FarmersOnly.com is, apparently, a real thing

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/GEiBb1iWnQU

"I'm looking for someone to step out of a Country Music Album Cover/CMT Video/Hallmark Channel Movie and join me in a life of hard work in a dying industry we have almost zero chance of actually sustaining beyond this decade.  In other words, I'm looking for a person as trapped in a romanticized, pickup-truck drivin', pigs-sloppin', stump-pullin', bonfire-sittin'-around fantasy as I am.

So pull on your Daisy Dukes and leather boots, get out your iPhone, and let's connect by the bonfire 'cause that's what farmers who want to meet other farmers do when they aren't begging for government subsidies to keep the Family Farm in the Family despite the fact that we stopped even trying to compete with Agribusiness back when Grampa ran this place in the 70s...I guess.

And while we're sittin' by the bonfire strummin' our guitars, we can think about how maybe after I go back to school and get that degree in engineerin' and you get your teacher's degree, maybe we can hold on to that Family Farm and have dogs and maybe a few chickens to wander around and allow us to keep up the facade at least for a little while longer.  I'm for sure keepin' my pickup and pullin' a stump now and then, 'cause Grampa would've wanted it that way."

I'm going to keep beating up on CreditRepair.com!

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Original commercial here:  https://youtu.be/kePPXJhCKEw

1.  "Check:"  Yes, Creditrepair.com will look over your credit report.  This is a service they provide once you've hired them.  Heck, they might even do this part for free.  After all, it certainly doesn't cost them anything and you have to give them valuable information to let them do it, so why not?

2.  "Challenge."  This is something else you can do, though for 99.99% of this company's targeted suckers--errr, customers- its' going to turn out to be a pretty pointless exercise.  

"It says here you made 6 late payments on your utility bill.  Is that true?"  Um, yes.

"It says here you took out a Title Loan in 2013 and lost your car, is that true?"  Um, yes.

"It says here that every stick of furniture in your house has a Rent-A-Center label on it, is that true?"  What are  you trying to say?  Just come out with it!

3.  "Change."  Ah, here's the part that actually requires work, and the step that makes companies like Creditrepair.com seem so appealing.  Steps 1 and 2 take a few moments.  Step 3 in most cases takes many years and something the customers lack even more than money- PATIENCE.  

You see, the thing is, if the damaging items on your credit report are legitimate, there's NOTHING you or ANYBODY ELSE can do to remove them.  They are there to warm potential creditors that you are not a good risk (or, put more delicately, not the optimal customer for creditors to be dealing with.)  If legitimate, those damaging items are information that creditors have a right to because it protects them from bad risks.  It's really as simple as that.

Here's how you IMPROVE your credit score:  pay all your bills on time, every time, for years.  Only borrow when you MUST, and pay back that money as quickly as possible.  Build credit, then use it sparingly.  Complaining that your credit reputation is hurting your ability to borrow money is kind of pointless.   Giving someone money to quickly "fix" something that can only be repaired by YOU over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME isn't pointless, it's STUPID and COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.   You NEED that money you want to turn over to companies like this to....you know...REPAIR YOUR CREDIT.

Creditrepair.com- all it takes is a phone call?

Original commercial here:  https://youtu.be/j2BTAtXzycU

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"I bought lots of stuff, figuring that I'd always be able to pay my bills, then my hours got cut back and I couldn't pay for the stuff I bought or pay back the money I borrowed on time, as promised."

"This only became a problem when I decided I wanted to buy a house, and found that my credit score is really low because I borrowed money to buy stuff and didn't pay it back on the schedule I was supposed to.  It was so unfair- I broke contracts and suddenly I had this reputation as someone who breaks contracts, and couldn't find someone to give me another contract."

"So I called Creditrepair.com and had what I'll just call 'a good conversation' with the total stranger on the other end of the phone who wanted to sell me a service so was really nice.  And then the bad items on my credit score began to disappear.  That's all I'm going to say- I'm not going to mention how they got rid of Legitimate dings on my credit score, or how much I paid Creditrepair.com to get rid of them.  Just that I had a 'good conversation,' implying that Creditrepair.com just felt sorry for me and fixed it for free or something."

"Anyway, thanks to Creditrepair.com, I'm closer now to getting someone else to lend me money at a decent interest rate, even though that car industry I worked for and blamed for all my problems hasn't come back or anything and I'm actually no more a good credit risk than I was back then."

Freshly solves another #firstworldproblem

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Original Commercial Here:  https://youtu.be/I6AEOxUc1ME

1.  In the real world, regular shipments of "chef-prepared" meals doesn't mean "we don't have to cook anymore" unless you are already in the one percent and probably had someone cooking all your meals already.  More like "we can fire Rosa, we don't have to pay her to cook for us anymore!"

2.  This lobotomized twit takes so long to read a few words on the back of her box of 21st Century TV Dinners for Rich People I find it hard to believe she ever managed anything beyond boiling water in the first place.  

3.  Setting aside No. 1 for a moment, who is the "we" who doesn't have to cook anymore because they can afford to buy pre-packaged, pre-cooked "chef-prepared" meals?  And why did two people who both loathe the idea of cooking get together in the first place?  Oh, right- because they knew they could use their money to avoid that horrible chore they both equally dread....

4.  Let's be honest.  What Freshly really means is "guys, you don't have to include 'must be able to cook' in your Trophy Wife Ad anymore."  Now you can cut to the chase- "must be young, hot, and fertile.  No cooking skills necessary."

Of course, to the person who answers that ad it also means "keep working that Peloton bike, keep using that face cream, and keep up with the kids, because your skills in the kitchen have just been devalued. In other words, you are more replaceable than ever."

Febreze Presents: the Vacant Contentment of the Suburban Housewife

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Original Commercial here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=biI2fw8x_Mg

Everything that once made this woman an individual human being with hopes, dreams, ambitions, personality, etc. died so long ago that nobody can remember what she was like back then, no matter how many times they look at home videos or scroll through the High School Yearbook.  

What is left behind is this vacant, standard-issue-pretty zombie taking in her surroundings in her standard-issue suburban home,  which include her stand-issue-pretty children, furniture, and Pet.  She's got a cell phone in her hand because she's an American, but she's not using it because she has nobody to call or otherwise be in contact with.  Completely deprived of stimulation, she's settled into a near-comatose state that she'll come out of just in time to get dinner ready for the Lord of the Manor.  

She doesn't notice odors for the same reason she doesn't notice much of anything else- because her senses have gone the way of everything else that once made her a Person, replaced by this soulless vessel for Making Children and Maintaining a House and being Mrs Somebody Else.  Not that her standard-issue Equally Vacant children are much better, sitting on rug doing standard-issue children things that don't bother lobotomized mommy as she just sit there with her contented I'm a Successful American Woman Because I Got Rid of my Last Name and Everything Else that Made me Me When I Was Younger look on her face.

Oh, and why worry about going "noseblind?"  Because occasionally, she'll be visited by other Stepford Wives who still have at least one functioning sense left in their empty heads, and she wouldn't want to be judged for anything beyond the size of the house and the SUV parked in the driveway.