Ready to say goodbye to 2020, and Lexus December to Remember Ads

You gotta love how these twats take "being socially responsible" to mean that they can't even stop at grandma and grandpa's and let them talk to the kids through the glass- or over phones while looking at the kids through the window panes.  Nope, gotta keep distant, sorry mom and dad, you can see your grandchildren, but only as blurs as they drive past your house, hope you saw the homemade sign they made, we can't slow down for you to read it because we're on our way to a holiday ski weekend back home to be super-socially conscious and socially isolated!

And just look at mom and dad's faces- sure looks like they are sad that they can't actually stop to visit, doesn't it?  Sure looks like everyone misses being together, doesn't it?  I swear, mom and dad are secretly dreading the end of the Illness that Shall Not Be Mentioned because they'll have to come up with another excuse to avoid seeing the parents who don't live in a gated community.

Also gotta love how the Lexus sitting in front of the ridiculous-even-for-these-commercials-house actually melts the snow around it with it's Warmth-emitting Awesomeness.  They've never made snow good enough to approach one of these LookAtMeMobiles!

AT&T Commercial, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

 

1.  The doofus customer is outnumbered by the two employees 2-1 in the AT&T store, marking the first time in history that the customers have not outnumbered employees by at LEAST 15-1.  He also has TWO employees providing him information about this "new" service being offered (I don't know what it is, and I don't care.)  This is so reality-bending, my brain will break if I don't quickly move on....  

2.  This guy is INSTANTLY so taken by an "offer" which isn't even described in terms of conditions, price etc. that he whips out THE PHONE HE ALREADY HAS and calls his MOTHER.  Worse, he tells these two women that he's calling his MOTHER.  Which makes me almost want to go back and revisit my first issue with this stupid smoking pile of putrid dumb of an ad.    

3.  This guy is on the phone for all of FOUR SECONDS, but that was enough time for him to realize that he called the wrong number, the name of the guy he reached, AND that the guy he reached "sounded really excited" and he's "on his way here now."  Um, excuse me, but I had to go chase down my brain, which had hopped out of my skull and was making a mad dash for the door.   No, buddy.  Just NO.  You are using a cell phone which presumably has your mother's number saved in Contacts.  Kind of makes it hard to "dial a wrong number."  You did NOT have time to get a response from the guy you inexplicably accidentally called, let alone that the guy is "excited" and "on his way."  Why you be lyin', bro?

4.   Lily breaks the fourth wall in the most uncomfortable, awkward way I've ever seen in a tv commercial.  She looks like she wants to scream "save me from my AT&T contract, NBC wants to sign me to a sitcom and if I do this much longer I'll be typecast out of existence!"  She seriously looks like she's in pain.  But compared to her...

5.  Lily's Black FriendTM- who needed a chunk of her sales pitch to the doofus customer to be whitesplained by Lily- is even more awkward, giving a nervous "that's all we got, I have no idea what to do next" desperate shrug like she wants nothing more on Earth than to hear "cut" so she can step off the set and have herself a good, long cry.  Like the one I have pretty much every time this commercial shows up on my tv, which is roughly 6 times an hour during football games. 

Geico runs out of plausible ideas in record time

 

This is sad even for Geico, the masters of the beaten-to-death ad campaign. 

Remember those people who had a "clogging problem," and it turned out that it was their upstairs neighbors wearing clogs and dancing constantly?  Remember how we were able to ignore the fact that their problem was not one that any insurance could handle, because we were so amused at the play on words?  

And by "we," I mean, of course, "you," because you're all morons?

Remember those other people who had a "rat problem," and it turned out that the 80s rock group Ratt was hanging out in their kitchen?  That made infinitely less sense, because-- well, it's their house, right?  Can't they just kick Ratt out of it any time they want?  Call the police, whatever?  Oh, never mind- it didn't bother you, because Hey It's Ratt and they were popular back when I was young so it's all good!

(And again, by "I" I mean "you.")

Well, THIS family has a "fencing problem."  Except, they don't for most of the ad.  Their neighbors are into fencing.  This is bizarre to the central characters in this commercial, and I don't know why.  Their neighbors like to fence.  That means they are playing with swords.  They aren't dealing in stolen goods, and they aren't erecting fences on anyone else's property.  I don't quite see how this is anyone's "problem," unless these people think that they have the right to police the harmless activities of their neighbors who, by the way, aren't asking for permission to f---ing FENCE.

Ah, but here's where it becomes a "problem" that actually CAN be solved, though not with Geico insurance:  the fencing neighbors are suddenly right in their face, ON THEIR PATIO, IN THEIR DRIVEWAY, doing their fencing thing.  That's when you call- no, not Geico- but the F--ING POLICE.  Or at LEAST the Homeowner's Association.  Because these jackasses are TRESPASSING.  Maybe not quite as blatantly as Ratt, but they are STILL TRESPASSING.  So why are you idiots just rolling your eyes and looking perplexed?  Get on the phone to your local police or use your Second Amendment Freedoms and end your fencing problem, you morons!

Ok, rant over.  Back to my thesis.  Sure didn't take long for Geico to run out of hi-larious "problems" for people to deal with in these ads, did it?  And it isn't at all surprising that, having run out of ideas, they are just going to keep plowing forward, is it?

Bud Light's Cardboard Idiot, and the mouth-breathers who love him

 

This commercial, which runs for two minutes which feel like at least six, is the perfect example of a cute idea translating perfectly into a twenty or thirty second ad but instead dragged out and beaten until every ounce of charm has been drained.  Seriously, it's one joke- the doofus with the idiot look on his face and zero taste in beer is a cardboard cutout because Illness That Shall Not Be Mentioned.  The cardboard cutout gets up and-moves around, for some reason.  The expression on the cutout never changes, of course, so the guy is doomed to be recalled looking like a clueless doof in search for crappy low-calorie beer. 

And then the cutout leaves the stadium, goes down the street, gets on a bus (I guess, I seem to remember that, not watching it again) and does all this other stuff while I guess (judging from the YouTube Comments) half of America just loses control of its bowels with mirth or at the very least rushes to the internet to express admiration and appreciation for this Amazing Ad Should Have Debuted During the Super Bowl It's So Awesome. 

In the end, the cutout shows up at the actual guy's house for Reasons.  I don't know why and I don't want to think about it anymore, except that at this point I really wish the commercial had turned into a take-off on Us and the cardboard cutout had just brutally murdered the actual guy and taken his place.   Now that would have been worthy of an appreciative comment.  This meandering, padded two minutes of pointless crap?  Not so much. 

Dollops of Dumb

 

"Um, mom? Why did you just stick sour cream on my nose?"

"It's a really stupid tradition, but most traditions are.  My grandmother smeared this crap on my mom's face, and she smeared it on my face, and we all thought it was idiotic but for some reason we keep doing it anyway, so here you go, some sour cream on your nose Because Reasons."

"Um, ok....but the bride and groom smashing cake into each other's faces is a stupid tradition too, but when I got married we didn't do that..."

"I know, and the family is still mumbling about it behind your back.  They wonder if you were adopted."

"I wish I was." 

The message of the Mercedes Benz "Plushie" ad(s)

 

I'm going to ignore the fact that this plushie thing is drawn to the almost religious majesty of the Mercedes Benz just sitting in its glorious isolation in the middle of a crappy trucker's diner parking lot (which is absolutely where you'd expect to find a Mercedes Benz.)

Instead, let's look at the real moral of the story:  Hey, kids:  If you find yourself walking out of a greasy spoon diner heading back to your Mercedes Benz and you see what looks like a dirty, limp wounded animal in the road, you should immediately pick it up and hold it next to your face.  Then you should take it home with you. 

Keep in mind, you should only do these things if your parents are the owners of a Mercedes Benz and you live in a magical world where absolutely everything is perfect and nothing that happens to Real People living on the Real Planet Earth could ever happen to you.   If you attempt this and you aren't one of those people, please drop by the nearest Emergency Room on your way home for your rabies shots or, at the very least, salmonella treatments. 

In short, my advice to 99 percent of people out there:  Do Not Attempt.  And my advice to the other One Percent:  Please, Attempt Away.  Pick up that dirty, injured little living thing.*  Go for it.  Nothing bad could ever happen to you.

*Yes, I know it's just supposed to be an abandoned toy and this is all supposed to be super-heartwarming because a piece of cheap fabric stuffed with rags has Found a New Home with some rich kid whose mom will be throwing it back into the trash inside of a week when that kid has lost interest in that wet, dirty, germy thing she found in the parking lot.  Sure doesn't work for me, though.  Especially when it's so easy to imagine some kid watching this and trying to rescue that sweet little injured raccoon with the cute eyes daddy ran over with the Lincoln Navigator while on his way to the brokerage this morning. 

Quickle, Go into debt for the holidays!

 

Eighteen seconds in, the hyped-up-for-zero-reason narrator becomes slightly more socially responsible and suggests that quick-approval, crippling-interest-rate loans are a thing that exists if you find yourself in a dire financial emergency.  But that's eighteen seconds in- which means it comes AFTER he's grabbed you with the stunningly irresponsible idea that putting gifts you can't afford under the tree in order to fool your family into thinking that you are financially secure is a totally normal thing anyone who finds themselves short of cash just before Christmas should Obviously be doing because hey, Christmas. 

That's all I've got, because man, this is just so sad.  And probably a hell of a lot more relatable than any of those Lexus December to Remember ads featuring luxury cars with bows or Lincoln ads featuring women fleeing palaces to sit in their cars or even Toyota ads featuring little children encouraging their mommies to just go ahead and buy a new car because it caught their eye as they were walking past the showroom.  Certainly more relatable at the close of the Worst Year Ever for many, many of us.  Good riddance, 2020, which unfortunately did not mark the beginning of regular financial peril for millions of hard-working Americans, just a significant boost in their ranks.  I'd like to think we'll do better in 2021, but other than saying goodbye to the Disease that Shall Not Be Mentioned, it's more likely that the situation depicted in this ad is just going to be remain the Old Normal for way too many of us. 

Rocket Mortgage treats the viewers like children, again

 

As near as I can figure from about 200 slight glances/half-listening to this commercial over the course of several football games, the guy in the ad is someone for whom English is a second language and common sense/brains larger than those of a turnip a foreign concept.  He heard the phrase "there's money in your house" and proceeded to take a hammer to the walls of the home he inexplicably manages to own (I suspect that the woman we also see following him around with a bemused but otherwise "whatever, he's a guy and I was approaching thirty" look on her face might have something to do with that.)

This woman's response to seeing her Clearly Acquired out of Desperation spouse knocking holes in the wall looking for money (instead of looking for the orchestra he thought was in there whenever the doorbell rang, I suppose) is to whip out her phone and refinance....um...because I guess she suddenly needs to hold on to more of her money (I no longer believe this guy has anything to do with the household income because...come on.)  This is all supposed to be cute and what we are supposed to get out of it is how easy it is to refinance with Rocket Mortgage.  Frankly, the commercial would make infinitely more sense if it was an ad for a legal firm promoting how easy it is to file for divorce. 

These Fidelity Ads make me long for fingernails across a chalkboard

Ok, ok, stop me if you've heard this one:  "Two ridiculously wealthy, entitled, middle-aged douchenozzles walk into a brokerage for a private sit-down with their personal Fidelity Investments advisor, and....

Oh, you've heard this one.  Sorry."

Seriously, what the actual hell?  Mr. Hair Gel and his Artist Wife, who look to be maybe 60 but either already retired (and constantly playing with their investments) or a one-income household- either way, with money to burn- have the luxury of turning their plans on a dime because they've got such a ridiculously large portfolio that it simply doesn't matter which basket they place some of it in.  You just know that these are the kind of people who cluck "money doesn't mean that much to us" while balancing themselves on that mountain of cash.  You also know (I mean, just LOOK at them) that neither has done one day of actual hard labor in their entire lives to earn any of that vast fortune.

They are so well-acquainted with their Fidelity Money Manipulator that they can mention that "Audrey is having twins" and she'll immediately connect that to mean "you're going to be grandparents.  Please, sit down in these comfy chairs- the schoolteacher with $150,000 in her 401(k) who has an appointment for right now can wait in the lobby."  And they are so disgustingly entitled that they can stroll past a new condo, see that Lofts Are Available, and decide "hey, we should buy one of these so we can be closer to those twins.  Time to drop in on Our Girl at Fidelity again to shift some Wealth around, again."

(It would have been at least SOMEWHAT relatable if the Fidelity woman had reacted to "change of plans" with "so....you AREN'T going to be setting as much as you thought aside for those twins?  Going to buy a loft instead?"  But that wasn't going to happen- these jackanapes have more than enough money for college funds AND lofts- and hair gel, and Grandma's painting hobby, and every freaking other thing they happen to glance at or think about- thank you very much.)

This would be disgusting at any time, but it's soooo much more aggravating during what is for millions of Americans the close of the most stressful year in a generation.  So many people are wondering if they are going to be able to pay for utilities, health care, food- let alone presents for the kids next week, if they are going to return to work in the near future, if the government is going to provide them some financial relief as a bridge to better days....and they turn on the tv to see THIS putrid garbage, along with December to Remember Sales Events ads....hey Fidelity, could you maybe make ONE commercial that doesn't feature rich people having fun with their money, because that's pretty much ALL WE SEE between Thanksgiving and New Year's as it is....?

One of eTrade's rather ridiculous "no compromises" ads

 

I'm sorry, but if you get angry at your father for not knowing how to use the video sharing feature on smart phone to the point that you are using lines like "you've compromised enough this year," I think it's time to look into some anger management sessions.

I mean, come on.  I can just see this guy having a conversation with his dad- "I was being nice to you last year.  I didn't even murder someone when you didn't immediately know how to use video sharing, even though I wanted to, because I use eTrade which means I don't believe in compromising.  But I'm done compromising.  The next time you fail to use your phone correctly, we are cutting ties and you will not be seeing your grandson again."

What the hell?  This is the best eTrade's marketing partner could come up with when asked to think up a "no compromise" situation?  This is just stupid.  With all of the First World "problems" I could think of, this is the most First Worldish.  Your dad isn't asking for rent money or to move in with you, you ugly jerk.  He's having some slight difficulty learning to use a feature on a phone he isn't used to.  Calm down, can the attitude and take a chill pill.  

That Is All.

Three Observations concerning Xfinity's "Greatest Gift" Ad

 

1.  Ok, so I guess the idea here is that what people really miss in 2020 is "togetherness."  So the company that has been selling social isolation as a good thing when it's fostered by addiction to electronics is going to suddenly go All In on "Togetherness" as a thing that can be boxed up and delivered by Santa.

2.  I'm going to be charitable and assume that the total lack of masks throughout this ad is the product of all of these scenes being Happy Memories of Better Times which are being packaged by the Magic of Santa etc.

3.  Don't worry, Disgustingly Rich Entitled Suburban Twats:  This "togetherness" campaign isn't aimed at you.  Santa's still going to be dropping expensive luxury cars in front of YOUR houses.   The smell of cookies and Auntie's cheek pinches are just fine for those other losers.  You know that that it's not really anything like a "greatest gift" unless the words Audi, Lexus or BMW are emblazoned on the front. 

One Boomer's take on these stupid Verizon Ads

 

1.  The random stupid smiling faces.  What the hell are you people on?  Oh, right- the drug called FaceTime.  You are so very sad.

2.  "I'm on my phone 24/7."  Again, said with a smile.  That's nothing to be happy about, you freaking idiot.  There's more to life than interacting with your phone.  Am I speaking a foreign language to you?  Well, what difference could that possibly make, as you're clearly already dead.  And you can't hear what I'm saying anyway, unless of course I'm talking to you over your phone, which you're thrilled to be on "24/7."  Pathetic. 

3.  "We're a big soccer family."  Wow, so YOU'RE the one.  Is this an attempt to sell Verizon's soccer package as a reason to buy it?  

4.  "Handmaid's Tale...."  I loved the book.  The series is pretty much the most boring thing that has ever been committed to television.  I mean, come on.  Logan's Run translated into a weekly series better than Handmaid's Tale.  And the television series Logan's Run was basically just Star Trek on Earth.  Didn't work.  Neither does Handmaid's Tale. 

5.  "I love Frozen...."  You know it's available on DVD, right?  You don't really need a service package from Verizon, or anyone else, to watch Frozen as many times as you want.  You need a DVD player.  

6.  The stupid forced diversity.  Who are these people?  Are they a family?  If not, why are they all there together gushing about how awesome it is to never be off their phones or be able to watch tv shows and movies on tiny screens?  These people are simultaneously sad and ever so punchable. 

KFC Holiday Commercial is Piping Dumb

 

This whole setup- the talking snowman that creepily looks like its been possessed by the spirit of Colonel Sanders (I guess that after decades of spinning in his grave during all of these awful ads, it's about TIME he emerged in SOME fashion,) the massive tray of fried oil, potatoes and poultry, the ridiculous (but typical) overflowing bucket of Much Better Looking Chicken Than Any You'll Actually Get at KFC on the top of that tray, and even the stupid girl who apparently is just going to stand out there holding this tray (which must weigh at least 20 lbs, 19 of which is grease....all of it is just par for the course for KFC ads.

It's especially insulting, however, that we keep getting fed this "piping hot" line like it's supposed to be clever and not a giant Mallet of Stupid being applied to our heads to make sure we get the HI-LARIOUS joke that I guess the little girl didn't take the pile of Mass-produced poison off the hands of the snowman fast enough 'cause LOL HE MELTED LOL!!

When is KFC going to figure out that while only kids really want to eat this noxious crap, it's adults who actually have to be persuaded to pay for it?  I wonder if it will be before this fading chain of once-iconic stores goes under for good.  Until then, I guess we better start wearing helmets, because here's another college football commercial break, and here comes another round of KFC Stupid....

Sears Automotive Center Commercial from the age before Computers slowed down the process to the glacial level

 

I really do love the fact that one guy here can't believe how cheap a muffler is "installed," as if he was thinking maybe the price being quoted was for the off-the-shelf muffler he would then be expected to install himself.  Yes, installed, you moron.

But the main reason why I'm posting this little gem of a classic ad today is because of a question I have for Sears Auto Center:  Why is it that no matter why I use your service, it takes the cashier fifteen minutes of typing like he's writing a book report on War and Peace and (from what I can tell) visits to at least half a dozen different screens before FINALLY telling me how much that service is going to cost?  Seriously- only at Sears do I know that the REAL wait begins after you get the "your car is ready" call.  That's the time when you have to take out your wallet, suck it in, and wait out the ridiculous tappity tappity tappity tap drama that results in two pages of technobabble featuring an x showing me where to sign so I can get the heck out of there already. 

Blinkist: Orwell would be so proud

 

If you're in a hurry, please just scroll down to the asterisk for the Blinkist version.

This woman brags that she reads "one hundred books a month" with Blinkist.  She can do this despite having a full-time job and all kinds of other things in her life.  She's super-proud that with Blinkist, she can read a hundred books a month.

So what exactly IS this amazing Blinkist thing? Well, I've been hearing radio ads for Blinkist involving a guy telling a girl all about the stars, and having the girl ask a perfectly human question that goes kind of like "gee, where'd you pick up all that learning?  Are you a magician or something?"  He responds with a commercial for Blinkist, a service which takes books and cuts out all the boring stuff like background and nuance and development (I know, you're nodding off already) and gets to whatever the program thinks the "most important points" are.  

Wait a minute- what if you think that other parts of the books are more important and/or interesting?  Well, who cares?  You want to enjoy reading, or do you want to get it over with?  You want to appreciate a book, or do you want to brag about how many you read?  I mean, seriously.  What's important here?

Well, the woman in that radio ad- and this YouTube ad- are super-impressed with the focus on quantity  over quality.  Especially since there are Netflix shows to binge-watch and other things that take up so many hours who has time to read, really?  Come to think of it, I bet there are Netflix documentaries about stars.  I can just watch one of those.  And so can this girl with dead, vacant eyes who is so proud to be living a Life By Cliff Notes. 

*Reading doubleplus ungood, Blinkist plusgood buy.

Lincoln Presents: The Worst Woman on the Planet

There's a whole series of Lincoln commercials featuring this horrible woman and they all have the same storyline:  She drives her $100,000 car up to her multi-million dollar suburban mansion, opens the door, sees something mildly irritating, sighs in despair, and runs back to the perfect world of her $100,000 car.

I'm sorry, but seriously- what the hell?  We've seen this woman horrified at finding her parents in her living room, her husband playing with her kids, and now her kids playing in an inflatable snow globe which (gasp, horrors!) knocks over a few ridiculous trinkets on the (no doubt imported) coffee table in her Just-For-Show-Don't-Touch-Anything "living room."  And she never reacts any differently:  horrified at seeing people she feels like she should recognize for some reason doing something other than sitting like porcelain figurines in a china cabinet, she turns right around and seeks the shelter of her One True Love:  Whichever version of Lincoln she happens to own THIS Christmas.

This woman has zero to complain about in her life, so the sight of other people enjoying themselves in HER house will have to suffice as a reason to have a minor nervous breakdown and a case of the vapors that only her Lincoln truly understands.  And she can use it's Bluetooth to call the Au Pair and ask why she isn't supervising those kids (only to find out that Au Pair had just stepped into the kitchen for a moment to baste the capons and open the wine to let it breathe.) 

I don't say this very often unironically, but:  check out the Comment section.  You know your commercial is bad when the great majority of YouTube commenters agree with my cynical, nasty take on your ad, Lincoln.  This woman is gross.  Her attitude is gross.  You're gross.  I'd say you are really giving Lexus and Audi a run for their money, but you'd probably take it as a compliment.  

My final word (no promises) on State Farm "Rodgers Rate" ads

 

Let's admit it.

None of us would be surprised if one of these Rodgers Rate ads included Aaron Rodgers stepping out of the shower and being handed a towel by his Not Personal Nothing Special Going on Here Just Happened to be Hanging Around State Farm Insurance salesman.  Not because he's Aaron Rodgers, of course, but because....um, all State Farm customers get this....um, service.  Right?

Personally, I think it's only a matter of time.  So before we get there....how about we move on from this particular bit, ok, State Farm?  Please?  

Oh, and on the off-chance that this is a slice of real life in some way: Jake, get some help. You're a grown man, not a starstruck teenaged girl. Stop acting like a Lifetime Movie villain. This is getting seriously creepy.

Nasty, yet totally necessary, observations concerning this Kaiser Permanente commercial

1. This woman and her daughter obviously don't live in this house. How do I know this? Well, there's a "baby don't touch that"moment featuring what looks to be a heavy, expensive vase that's almost within reach (and certainly very breakable for this nasty little girl if she manages to swat it out of its place.) If this woman and that child actually lived in this home, that vase would either be someplace else, or not exist. I mean, mom isn't watching this horrid little thing 24/7, is she? 2. Yay, her shoulder- probably injured by her demon spawn- is healing nicely. Good to know. 3. "But how are YOU doing?" to me translates into "have you gotten over your overwhelming urge to murder that kid of yours?" or at least "how are you managing with your stressful not-parenting of that ridiculously badly-behaved, out of control little cretin you share DNA with?" 4. Seriously, what an awful little kid. What an awful mom who is clearly incapable of handling that awful little kid. I hope this woman has a full package with Kaiser Permanente, because it looks like Mommy's Little Accident is going to be the cause of a lot of phone calls and a lot of paperwork before Mommy can legally boot her out of the house.

eTrade's bizarre "compromise" commercials

 

Here's a heartwarming commercial for eTrade featuring a jackass who is so obsessed with his freaking portfolio that he totally forgot that it's kind of his turn to take care of the kids he chose to create with his spouse.  So while they are so bored from total lack of interaction with their dad - and so desperate for his attention- that they are literally throwing (salt?) into the air while in the same room with him, he's still not going to be more than slightly distracted from his mad pursuit of money.

It's so bad, in fact, that the tagline "you've compromised enough" is included in this ad and, presumably, his thoughts.  I seriously don't know what this could possibly mean other than "your kids are crap pains in the royal ass, you can't even get your TrophyWife to take care of them while you are busy fulfilling your proper function in the home by managing your- excuse me, the family's- vast and growing fortune.  And you thought you had a deal!  I suspect that the next scene features this guy joining Trophywives.com to start arranging for an Updated version.  After all, You've Compromised EnoughTM. 

What?  Is there another way to interpret all this?