The smiling liars at American Residential Warranty are at it again

 

Pretty much the last time this commercial is honest is just a few seconds in, when we the invisible audience are asked if we know that appliances can cost a lot of money to fix or replace.  Um, yes.  We know this.  Thanks for playing.

And then....the lying by omission/sleight of hand begins.

Know what American Residential Warranty (be free to confuse it with American Home Shield, because it's basically the same scummy, scammy company) offers?  Well, ARW "can" "help" with repairs to those appliances that are always breaking down and forcing you to reach for your checkbook (because in the weird world of Home Warranty Commercials, even customers who are clearly under the age of 50 still use CHECKS to pay repair bills.) 

The service plans start at "less than a dollar a day."  And considering that the BEST plans offered by these sleazebags cover next to nothing, that rock-bottom price service plan is the very best deal they've got going.  If I'm going to get a big fat "no, sorry" every time I call ARW to file a claim, I'm going to want to pay as little as possible, thanks very much.

"You pay a small service fee..." I'm so sorry, this is another little shred of honesty I originally overlooked.  Because this is how warranties work, I guess:  you pay for the warranty, and then you pay again to use it.  Whether you end up getting the appliance in question covered or not.  See, that way, ARW makes money when you pay your premium AND when an appliance breaks.  It's clear how much this benefits....um, someone.  Someone who is not you.

"I woke up on a Saturday morning and there was no hot water in the shower..." good thing, considering you were walking into that shower wearing a towel.  I mean, that's just weird, lady.  

"All covered repairs will be taken care of."  This is the sleight of hand I referred to earlier.  If you give me thirty dollars a month, I'll take care of all covered repairs too.  

"Call now, there's no obligation."  Um, no kidding.  Who the hell has to be told that just calling for information doesn't obligate one to purchase anything?  Oh, right- old people.  Old people who feel guilty because they "took so much time" from the "nice person on the phone."  Old people who go through every day afraid that they are one mechanical failure away from a big bill they can't afford.  

Ugh, I hate these people so much.  Extended warranties NEVER pay.  Home Appliance Warranties are even worse.  At the very most, if you really don't mind paying too much for peace of mind, go ahead and get several separate warranties from the people who sold you your washer and dryer, dishwasher, furnace, A/C, etc.  Do NOT blow your money with one of these "one size covers nothing" deals.   Send me your money instead.  I'll take care of all covered repairs.  Thirty bucks a month. 

Is Rybelsus the Mark of the Beast??

 

Hopefully we all know by now that the reason for the pretty graphics and smiling people and jump cuts and above all LOUD MUSIC in pharmaceutical ads is to hide the required-by-law list of disclaimers (possible side effects) that accompany them.  But it turns out that it's even worse than I thought:  One YouTuber has discovered that if you play this ad backwards, you'll hear a subliminal message....

Don't worry, parents.  It has nothing to do with Satan.  Technically.

(By the way, the Rybelsus commercial includes my absolute favorite line in the history of television ads. Near the end, in small print, you can clearly see the words "drinking plenty of fluids may reduce your chances of dehydration."  MIND BLOWN!)

Uber Eats, Leslie Jones, and another big step backwards

 

Remember back in 2016 when Leslie Jones got all that nasty online flack for her performance in the Ghostbusters reboot trailer?

Well, here she is, five years later, doubling down on the head-wagging minstrel show which I'm sure is absolutely HI-larious if you are a racist "oh that's so like them" white jackass or a black fan of Tyler Perry's films (seriously, what is wrong with you?) but otherwise- this is not helpful.  This is not helpful AT ALL.  

Zyrtec, Sneezing, and the Comment Section that hurts my soul

 

It's not even so much the commercial that's brain-dead stupid.  The guy has allergies.  He's sneezing.  WE GET IT.

It's the YouTube Comments that broke my spirit with this one.  Just look at them.  These people are kidding, right?  This is all a put-on, right?  I don't live in a country where people not only find this funny, but find it SO funny that their ribs ache, they lose control of their bladders, and they watch it over and over again at half-speed because OMIGOD ITS SO SO FUNNY LOL?

I can't accept that.  I have to get myself up and face the day every morning.  I can't do that if these comments are real.  

More March Madness-themed crap, this time sponsored by AFLAC

 

So these two loud asshats have nothing better to do with their halftime show than to smash their way into the home of a woman who is already in physical and emotional pain in order to literally pile on by mocking both?

Anyone who has ever had an AFLAC representative appear at a Human Resources meeting knows why the vast majority of people don't purchase AFLAC or anybody else's supplemental insurance:  because it costs an arm and a leg (no pun intended; unlike AFLAC, I don't think serious injury is anything to laugh at.)  The woman the two noxious jackanapes are yelling past most likely didn't buy AFLAC because she didn't think she'd ever need it; it's vastly more likely she didn't buy it because she can't afford it. 

So AFLAC is the kind of company owned and operated by people who think that most Americans are just greedy, short-sighted idiots who won't do the very simple thing and throw hundreds of dollars a month that they don't have at an insurance company so they can get bills taken care of if they suffer an injury.  Not that most Americans have a hard enough time paying for the insurance provided in part by their employer.

And AFLAC is also the kind of company which will go out and hire someone to make a commercial in which two grinning, screeching idiots will destroy part of an injured woman's home and then laughingly sneer at the injured woman who Should Have Known Better than to reject the opportunity to pay for extra insurance she couldn't afford.

Seriously, take that duck, take these wastes of perfectly good skin and oxygen, and jump off the nearest high cliff, please.  Stop adding to OUR pain. 

Because I like March Madness, I have to deal with crap like this from Capital One

 

Here's a quick quiz:  What do Spike Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Charles Barkley have in common?

A.  They are all multi-millionaires.

B.  None of them give a flying damn about Rewards Points.

C.  No matter how much money they have, none of them are adverse to making total fools out of themselves on tv in order to get a little more.

D.  None of them has an NBA Championship Ring.

E.  All of the Above

Amazon Alexa Pompeii Commercial: Because People Are the Dumb

 

1.  This ugly twerp, finding himself unable to answer a question from his daughter,* attempts to hide his ignorance- and avoid saying "I don't know"- by consulting the brains of the family.  Since it's a history question, its kind of like being transported back in time....

2.  I have zero problem imagining that if this stupid shlub found himself in the city of Pompeii in the middle of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, he'd be self-centered enough to try to stop random scared-out-of-their-wits locals to ask them to provide an answer to his daughter's question.  

3.  I also have zero problem with the "citizens of Pompeii can speak English" bit, because that's just par for the course in tv commercials.  Everyone speaks 21st century English, all the time.  Just like the citizens of Italy today (no kidding- everyone there DOES speak English.  But they sure as hell didn't in 79 A.D.**  Probably because the language didn't exist yet.)

4.  This guy is a moron.  Everyone with even a passing acquaintance with history knows that Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying Pompeii and Herculaneum.  But not this idiot.  Which is why he's dependent on a talking Google box to at least try to look semi-educated.  

*we don't get a good look at this guy's wife, but considering that the daughter doesn't look like an ugly WASPy little mutant, I'm assuming she's a hot little trophy.  Another example of what money can do- this little twerp can get himself a beautiful wife and a big house despite having no brains because money is the ultimate equalizer.

**so the residents of Pompeii thought it was the year "79 A.D." while their town was being destroyed, did they?  Wow, the Dionysian System sure caught on fast, didn't it?  In Pompeii, it even predated Dionysus by 500 years!

General Stupidity

 

I always love the "...even if you've got less than perfect credit" line in these ads.  Though it would be more accurate if it read "especially if you've got crap credit," because The General exists for the same reason Rent A Center exists- to provide a service to people who have proven themselves to be unreliable borrowers or bad drivers in the past.  Yeah, no kidding it's available "even if you've got less than perfect credit"- if you've got anything close to perfect credit, you're not going to be getting month-to-month insurance coverage with ridiculously high deductibles any more than you're going to get hyped about paying $99 a month for sixteen years for a big-screen tv. 

And driving without insurance isn't just a "bad idea." It's illegal.  In every state (yes, even in New Hampshire, where they put the dumb in Freedom.)  Driving illegally is a bad idea, sure. Was that your actual point, though?

And let's distract everyone with the "funny" tattoo accident bit.  It certainly worked with several people who felt compelled to comment below this Youtube post, especially people who were totally psyched at seeing some guy they recognized from some other show in this ad because there is absolutely, positively nothing going on in their lives at all.

Thanks for nothing, Skype.

 

What we're supposed to see:  people "sharing" and "communicating" despite COVID using Skype and their electronic devices.

What I see:  evidence that people are just as noisy,* annoying, and devoid of imagination on Skype as they are in person. 

*Seriously, this ad is just one 90-second long wall of noise.  Plus, it's so jittery and frenetic that it should come with a seizure warning.  Too many faces lunging at the camera, too many cutaways, and again...too. Much. Noise.  

I've been assaulted by the voice of the narrator in this Mercedes Benz Commercial

 

Wow, this guy is sooooo rugged and awesome and cool, with his five-day's growth and faraway look in his eye and guts to Go The Extra Mile in his, um.....Mercedes Benz Van.  I didn't even know Mercedes Benz made a van, but I guess it's the vehicle you just have to drive if you want to Go Further along that extra mile.  After all,  if  want to bring Manly Tool Boxes to your out of the way Second Home in the Country where you do Outdoorsy stuff, or you want to go off fishing, you're gonna need instant Bluetooth Connectivity along for the ride, right?

And check out the look this guy gives us at the end of this ad.  Thanks for being so punchable, jackass. 

Wow Cups- For people who have little people, go figure

 

Or "When I don't feel like watching tv but do feel like because it's Saturday I really ought to do a post, go to an old As Seen on TV commercial."  Hey, this site isn't monetized, so if this kind of cheap cop-out annoys you, that's just too bad.  

Know another way you can avoid all these insane- and sometimes damaging (that's a LAPTOP right next to that cup!  I've watched enough tv to know that if there's ever a large container filled with liquid next to a laptop, that laptop is DOOMED!) spills?  Just don't have any kids.  Not only do you avoid 99 percent of all the spills that happen in an average person's life, but you also avoid college funds for people who aren't you, vaccines for people who aren't you, clothes, shoes and food for people who aren't you...and you end up a multimillionaire before you're forty years of age.  And you still have all your hair.

And guess what happens if you do have kids and you do get them these Wow cups?  Here's your answer- the kids will do everything possible to spill liquids out of those Wow cups.  Just take a look at what these little monsters are doing with their cups- they are drinking from them while hanging upside down on beds.  They are knocking them off of kitchen counters.  THEY ARE USING THEM NEXT TO LAPTOPS!  

(I have to admit, I do like when the little girl drops her cup and throws her arms down in frustration, like she's thinking "I am SO SICK OF BEING A KID AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH GRAVITY!"  She's awesome.)

Ok, whatever.  If you insist on having kids, you'd better childproof that once-quiet, once-clean house that used to be your quiet sanctuary from the kid-filled world with latches for your cabinets filled with delicious poisons, little plugs for the electrical sockets you forgot you had until you bought into the Must Have Kids meme, and Wow cups.  But I'll remind you that if you don't have kids, you can skip the Wow cups and all the rest and sleep stress-free on a mountain of cash, like I do, every single night.   Choose Wisely. 

This Geico Commercial is something that happened on my TV for Reasons

 

1.  The customer in this commercial has clearly suffered a stroke, or is in the process of suffering an epileptic fit, because there's simply no other excuse for forgetting you are in a auto/motorcycle shop and believing that you have been transported to the open road where you are singing a stupid late-60s song (for which there is also simply no excuse.)

2.  The response of the employees is to cover for the customer's awkwardness by joining in with the song.  Which tells me that this is a regular customer who dumps huge amounts of money at this particular shop, because seriously...why else would these people be so quick to bleat a really dumb song like sheep so that their one customer feels less awkward?

3.  None of this has anything to do with insurance.  Which means- yeah, it's a Geico ad.  When was the last time a Geico ad had anything to do with insurance?

Toyota of my dreams? Um, sure Jan. Sure.

 

I imagined myself in a new Toyota once.  The image didn't hold my interest for more than a few seconds.  Probably because....I was imagining myself in a Toyota.

And I don't know why this commercial changes subjects and begins to talk about the "car of my dreams" later on.  Wait- does Jan say "the Toyota of my dreams?"  Um, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing.  If there's a "Toyota of my dreams," there's also a "peanut butter sandwich of my dreams" and a "skim milk of my dreams" and a "ball point pen of my dreams."  

I mean, come on.  If there's a Toyota of your dreams, you traded your dreams a long time ago for the bland comfort of Lowered Expectations.  It's nice that your dreams are so reachable, I guess.  I sometimes really enjoy a good peanut butter sandwich, too. 

First World Problems, Indeed

 

Like this guy, I've spent a good chunk of the last year working from home.  That's where the similarity between my life and this guy's comes to a rather abrupt end.

Unlike this guy, I don't work from a massive, glistening kitchen while my adoring wife and children play nearby.  My workspace looks a bit more like a walk-in closet.  I can compare my apartment to this guy's kitchen in one respect- my apartment is about the same size as this guy's kitchen.

And unlike this guy, I don't have to "worry" about suddenly getting an email ordering me to go out and hire people.  My emails usually involve things like "invitations" to after-hours online staff meetings, requests to grade essays for a third or fourth time, requests to grade tests being turned in late, etc. etc. ETC.  Not "we need you to hire people to work for us."  

And unlike this guy, working from home doesn't mean I'm going to be asked to do something that requires me to find a good service to do most of the heavy lifting for me.  I don't look at my inbox and think "I need to hire a company to do this."  I mean, I MIGHT think that, but it's not really an option.  We are supposed to relate to this jackass when he's faced with the daunting task of hiring people to work for his company.  Oh, poor baby- you get to hire Indeed to find people to contact and dangle jobs in front of from your million-dollar suburban home.  In a country filled with well-qualified applicants desperate to work for fifty percent of what they were making a year ago at this time, yet. 

Again- poor, poor baby.  Don't exhaust yourself with all that "work," buddy.  I want you to have lots of energy when that meteorite crashes into your house and vaporizes your entitled, whiny butt. 

Is it safe to assume that Telesteps also sells Life Insurance?*

 

...Because before I got more than four or five steps up a ladder which is "easily retractable" by squeezing together two flimsy rubber knobs at the bottom, I'd certainly be making sure that my policy was up to date.

Can you even imagine being fifteen feet up in the air, painting a wall or hanging Christmas lights, knowing that your bodily health depends entirely on an Only Available on TV flimsy piece of crap you saw being advertised in between reruns of the Andy Griffith Show at two o'clock in the morning?  I sure can't.  I suspect that the people who would be impressed enough to buy this garbage are also in the market for after-market parachutes and lightly used contact lenses.  There are things I'm willing to cheap out on.  Ladders are NOT one of them. 

*if they do, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's also "easily retractable," especially when the deceased was killed doing something stupid like using one of their ladders.

NFL Gear Presents: Poser Central (currently Tampa Bay)

 

Oh give me a freaking break.  I own Patriots and Red Sox gear (sweatshirts, jackets, caps,* that kind of thing) but when my team wins I don't strut around like I personally won something.  Because I didn't.  I watched my favorite team win something.   It didn't make me a winner, didn't get me a ring, and sure as hell didn't give me an excuse to deck myself out in I AM A FAN OF THIS CURRENT CHAMPION clothing so I could stand in the middle of the street with my chest puffed out and a look on my face which screams "yeah, I beat your sorry a**, loser punk. Who's your daddy now?"

These people especially need to just Stop Now.  You are "fans" of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  There's a very good chance that you didn't know your city had a freaking NFL franchise until about six weeks ago (I could be generous and suggest they became fans when they heard the Bucs got that Brady guy from New England, but why would I be generous?  When am I ever generous?)  Just admit that you're the kind of "fans" who jump on the bandwagon just before it reaches top speed- like Red Sox "fans" who magically remembered they were fans all at the same time in late October, 2004.  And then went out and bought pink, camo, purple, etc. baseball caps.  And embraced that marketing ploy called "Red Sox Nation."  You people make me sick.  But I digress.

If I didn't want to be sued, I'd suggest that someone knock these smug-for-zero-reason posers in their stupid faces.  But encouraging violence is against the law, in most cases.  Most cases.

*not a Patriots cap, just a Red Sox cap.  Football caps are stupid.