Capital One puts the spotlight back on those stupid small businesses we are supposed to support Because Reasons

 

Whenever I see one of these "hey look at our stupid small business" commercials, I just have to ask something.  No, it's not "did either of you two ever think that you'd actually be providing something of value to society before you gave up and went the Pointless, Worthless, Forgotten-As-Soon-As-You're-Gone Small Business route?'  Because I know the answer to that question:  It has to be "yes."  Nobody grows to adulthood actually dreaming of someday tapping into a niche market and then spending the rest of one's life pandering to people with a little extra money burning holes in their pockets.  Whether it's Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes or the cheese shop run by these two cliches, this is nobody's original dream. 

Nor is the question "am I really supposed to buy the frozen plastic smiles you idiots are giving us as you pretend to be happy with what life ultimately handed you?"  Because I know the answer to that question:  It's supposed to be "yes," I'm supposed to be happy that there's a stupid little business selling a stupid little product to stupid little people and that yet another Idiot With a Dream can call himself a Boss for at least a little while longer because a credit card improves his ability to separate those stupid little people from their stupid little money at your stupid little vanity project. 

Nor is the question "am I really supposed to think better of Capital One because they finance this nonsense?"  Because I know the answer to that question, too; it's supposed to be "yes," because of the American Dream or Small Business being the backbone of America or something like that.  Never mind that it's so very easy to imagine life without 99.9 percent of the Sacred Small Businesses out there.  And no, it's not a dystopia I'm imagining.  It's just a country with a few less junk trinkets, food and drink shops and a lot more people accepting reality and getting actual jobs. 

No, my question is "how do you get through every day without jumping off the nearest tall building?  Do you just not think about what your legacy is, Mr. and Mrs. Small Business Owner?  Did the fact that you clearly died years ago  and are just going through the motions with Whatever The Hell This Is really help that much?"  Because, man...a specialty cheese store.  I bet your ancestors went through so much crap to get you to this country, too.  For this.  Stay away from skyscrapers.

A failing grade for this obnoxious "C Class" commercial

 

I guess we should just be grateful that the car at the end of this commercial isn't adorned with a bow, but that's pretty much the only thing this ad has going for it.  Otherwise it's just awash in ridiculous entitlement and indulgence- cripes, they can even warp time and space because they want to- and apparently trying to sell us a product that is just another bauble in the lives of people who have absolutely everything (INCLUDING the ability to manipulate matter at a whim.)  

They are SO enraptured with their own awesomeness that they make changes that serve no utility whatsoever- I mean, why does the guy change the painting as they are heading out for the evening?  What is the freaking point?  Does the cat prefer the new art style?  WHY THE HELL DID HE DO THAT?

The only way this commercial is redeemed is if it ends with a meteor vaporizing this couple just before they exit the driveway of their ridiculous home.  It doesn't, so "C" is an inflated grade for everyone involved in this travesty.

Apple iPhone 14 presents: The Rulers of Idiocracy

 

On television, in 2022, we regularly see people with absolutely no sense, no class and no looks 

1.  Living in massive suburban mansions,

2.  Married to Trophy Wives,

3.  Driving $60,000 cars, and now

4.  Using thousand-dollar iPhones to do things mentally ill box turtles wouldn't be caught dead doing, I guess because doing it tickles somebody's nostalgia bone by reminding them of that really stupid movie a really stupid cable channel insists on running for 24 straight hours starting Christmas Eve every. Single. Year.   Oh, and having "friends" who enjoy humiliating them because Hey That's What Friends are For, I guess.

I'd like to say that we can do better and will do better in 2023, but I'm about to hit the 14th anniversary of this blog, so I'm not all that hopeful.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year??  No.  More appropriate to say Bah, Humbug. 

This BMW Road Home Commercial puts Lexus' December ads to shame. Bravo, BMW.

 

Or  "Lexus says 'it's December, time to make the most self-indulgent, disgusting commercials featuring people totally unrelatable to 99 percent of the public,' to which BMW replies 'hold my beer.'"

So asshat Son shows up with this trophy wife to Dad's house for Christmas only to have a random giant bow which just happens to be on the porch get blown off said porch by a puff of wind which impacts absolutely nothing else and land on his presumably brand-new BMW SUV.  Dad instantly assumes that the ribbon on the car his son drove up in means that the car is a gift to himself (yeah, the apple didn't fall far from the tree here, did it?)  Son has so much damn money that he just goes along with it* and lets Dad drive (like a freaking maniac) he and his trophy wife back home in DAD's new car.  And as if this wasn't all noxious and insulting enough, Dad dials the privilege up to 11 by wondering out loud what his son got Mom.

Yeah, that's right- because not only does this dad believe his son would buy him a $60,000 BMW for Christmas, but he also assumes that the car is JUST for him and that his wife will be getting- well, what?  An SUV of her own?  Several cruises?  I mean, WHAT?  And the look on Son's face makes it very clear that he's wondering the same thing- and will quickly be arranging some enormous purchase to save face before Christmas dinner rolls around.

A few years ago, we had that horrible truck commercial where hubby buys matching black and red tricked-out trucks and then is flummoxed when his wife chooses the black one.  A few years before that, we got the god-awful war crime that was that commercial where the wife notes that there are an entire 42 miles on the odometer of the brand new BMW her husband got her for Christmas.  And then there was that commercial where a guy gives his wife an Audi and her "thank you" is interrupted by a passing Lexus- which she can't stop staring at and which I guess in her mind suddenly made the Audi about as valuable as a 1975 LeCar.   But for my money, this is the absolute worst I've ever seen.  The presumption, the entitlement, all of it....just too much.

"Can't wait to see what you got your mother."  Good lord.  What did this son give his father LAST year?  And before I forget- what is with you YouTube commenters?  You all love this ad?  Come on.  You're all bots or paid shills.  You have to be.  

*Instead of, oh, I don't know, just telling Dad that no you freaking moron, the ribbon just blew on to the car, which Dad should realize because it's the ribbon that was ON HIS FREAKING PORCH A MOMENT AGO.  The son's relationship with a father he can't be honest  is kind of depressing, but not as depressing as the fact that he can just write off the $60k as a "whaddayagonnado" and doesn't seem to be at all disturbed about it, nor does Trophy Wife seem to care.  So these people have money burning holes in their pockets.  Again, so very relatable. 

That $50 Gold Buffalo Coin Scam: Still Going Strong eight years later....

 

There is so much hilariously wrong with this scam, it would take pages and pages of commentary to get through it all, but I'm just going to focus on a few of the lowlights:

Most of this ad is a glowing description of a coin which is NOT FOR SALE HERE;  a $50 Gold Buffalo Coin which was released back in the 1930s.  We are told how much gold THAT coin had and how rare THAT coin is.

Then, without missing a beat the narrator segues into a discussion of the coin which is ACTUALLY FOR SALE HERE:  a "tribute" to the previously mentioned, actually valuable coin which is "clad" in cold (gilded) but which in fact provides what is currently about seventy cents worth of the precious metal the original coin was MADE OUT OF.  If you aren't paying attention- and this scummy fraud company really, really hopes that you aren't- you won't notice that the commercial is asking you to buy a cheap imitation of a valuable coin.  You'll think you are being offered a rare $50 gold piece for a preposterously low price by nice people who for some reason want to practically give them away because they are so nice.

We are told that "the price of the original edition is going through the roof"- so yeah, if you happen to own one, you have got a nice little investment there that you might want to keep in a safe deposit box.  But if you don't own one, we can buy this piece of garbage which kind of looks like the real thing.  The narrator isn't going to put it quite like that, but that's exactly what he's saying- this is a "tribute copy."  

The price of this junk was "supposed to be set at $50" but of course that wasn't going to get morons to grab their phones to call, so instead this next-to-worthless piece of tin is being offered for "only $9.95 plus shipping and handling."  As soon as we get this price, we're reminded that the price of gold is skyrocketing- which is information about as useful as telling us that bark beetle infestations are expected to rise in the next three years.  The price of gold has zero to do with the value of this particular "tribute," since there's virtually no gold in it.  The ratio of aftershave to my face is probably greater than the ratio of gold to this trash.   But the scam must go on.

This 2014 commercial, which I saw rebroadcast while watching MSNBC the other day, tells us that this offer can only be guaranteed for the next seven days.  Well, that makes this the longest week since Genesis.  

We get guff about "strict limits of five per caller" (yeah right- I GUARANTEE that if I called the number I could talk the operator into giving me a special deal for as many as I wanted) and "registration numbers" (if these coins were legitimate, why would they have such things?  Just more evidence- as if we needed any- that we are being offered commemorative medals, not coins.)  

Ok, there's fifty seconds left to this nonsense but I'm exhausted so I'll just end it here:  This stupid impulse purchase comes with a Certificate of Authenticity, authenticating that, yes, you've purchased an all-but-worthless trinket you can try to explain to your exasperated children the next time they come over and beg you to sign over your power of attorney while you still have a little money left. 

The Pizza Hut Triple Bypass Box, just in time for the holidays....

 

Or maybe it should be "Triple Threat Box?"

I mean, is there really anything more to say?  I mean, except that the singing just adds to the cringe?

Think about it.  This guy doesn't seem to consume anything OTHER than Pizza Hut garbage.  He doesn't seem to talk about anything OTHER than Pizza Hut products, and he doesn't seem to think about anything OTHER than Pizza Hut.  The "restaurant" even dictates his "fashion sense," to put those terms VERY mildly.  So of course we are going to see him "celebrating" the holidays by singing about some stacked-sludge box set from Pizza Hut which, according to the comments, doesn't even come in a cool cardboard drawer contraption as is shown here.  So you don't even get to save the damp, greasy drawers to use to- um, attract bugs and mice?  

I read recently that CiCi's all you can eat pizza, pasta and cinnamon buns is on the decline (I may post about this in the future.)  The attraction of CiCi's was that for very little money, you could gorge yourself on carbs- probably to get your body ready for that long, long nap you planned to take that afternoon?  Maybe one reason CiCi's peaked about a decade ago is because stores (that's more accurate than "restaurants") like Pizza Hut is providing delivery of all the crap CiCi's offers at about the same price CiCi's charged?  I mean, the only thing better than glutting on warm fatty garbage is doing it from the privacy of your own living room, am I right?  Waddling off to the couch or bed afterwards is so much easier than trying to drive home in a carb coma, after all. 

I wouldn't buy food handled by these people, Wendy's.

 

Ok, I am now convinced that this series of Wendy's commercials featuring a staff of mental midgets doing really stupid things in front of customers is a subtle nod to the restaurant's Employ the Brain Damaged policy.  I mean, really- first one of these guys attempts to sit on an old man's lap because he looks like Santa, then this garbage.  Ok, Wendy's- we approve your noble attempt to get the mentally handicapped into gainful employment.  Now please, stop this.  Because, seriously- this is kind of gross and pathetic. 

Nothing "Progressive" about this commercial which doesn't feature sweet potatoes

 

1.  At no point during the preparation of this meal did either of these women notice that there were no sweet potatoes.  And apparently there were no sweet potatoes because sweet potatoes were not on the list.  So what else would the person doing the shopping not pick up because it wasn't on a list?  Or maybe she thought that it wasn't on the list because the other sister had already purchased sweet potatoes?  Either way, the original point stands- why wasn't the lack of sweet potatoes noticed before this?

2.  I note that all the meal prep was apparently done by these two women.  The men here showed up to share in the consumption of this sweet potato-less feast, but had nothing to do with its creation.  Because it's 2022 here in the real world but it will always be 1954 on television, I guess.

Carvana was a stupid idea that stupid people bought into.

 

So when this woman isn't stuffing her face with junk while sitting on her butt (I'm sorry, but seriously- find something to do that doesn't involve sitting on a couch sucking on a cup of sugar, PLEASE.  Sincerely, your arteries) she's blathering to everyone who can't find a quick exit how much she enjoyed her buying experience with Carvana.

Which means, I guess, that she's one of the lucky customers who didn't buy an automobile from Carvana that was later repossessed because it had been stolen months earlier (yes, this happens.)  Or bought a car that had been previously been through an unreported wreck (yes, this has also happened.)  Or she got the actual car that she ordered and not a random car the company decided to send him (yes, this has happened.)  Or she got a car which had outstanding tickets attached to the title (yes, this has happened.)

And judging from the smile on her face, she's clearly not someone who owns stock in Carvana- stock which peaked at $230 a year and a half ago but which can now be purchased at about $8 per share.  And she's not an employee who got laid off like more than 2000 have this year.  (Yes, both of those things have happened.)  I'm guessing that she spends most of her time indoors these days even if she still has a functioning car, because she's too mortified at the thought of bumping into one of the 300 people she bragged about her Carvana purchase to.  

Tom Brady, FTX and another commercial that aged like fine milk.

 

It's just way too easy to snark on the collapse of FTX, Tom Brady's marriage, and Tom Brady's career (the Bucs may very well miss the playoffs altogether) over the past 11 months since this ad first aired.  I am not even going to point out the ridiculous palace of a house, or the fact that Brady supposedly learns about the crypto currency "opportunity" that his wife is looking into by reading her phone screen from ACROSS THE ROOM and is "in" approximately six seconds later. *

In fact, I'm not going to talk about this particular ad at all.  Because that's just way too easy and it's been done already, including by me. 

Instead, I'm going to be my cynical best and suggest that the best indicator of how well my fellow countrymen will learn their lesson from the collapse of the scam FTX always was is the comment sections of multiple "what happened to FTX" videos currently popping up at the rate of a few dozen per day on YouTube:  At least half the comments I've read so far are endorsements for some other token purchasing platform which is, or soon will be, EXPLODING IN VALUE so we'd BETTER GET IN RIGHT NOW before we LOSE OUT.  You know, like Tom Brady was being scolded by his soon-to-be-ex wife to GET IN on FTX because hey, neither his football career nor her modeling career was going to last forever and it's not like they have enough money to live very lavish lifestyles for the next several centuries already.   The reaction of many YouTubers to the FTX collapse reminds me of people who get burned by Multi-Level Marketing scams and respond by looking for another one to invest in- "my experience with Amway was horrible, but I'm in a much better place now.  Do you have a few minutes to let me tell you about Herbalife?"

*in real life, Brady's "I'm in" would be correctly translated into "yeah whatever, I'm not walking all the way over there to look at your phone, I'm too busy looking at my phone, do whatever you want."  And in real life, a casual observer would see that this marriage was in trouble.   But I'm not going there. 

Depressing MetaQuest Ad reminds me of why I'm sometimes glad that I'm old

 

I remember when I was a little kid seeing an older kid in my neighborhood throw a baseball into the air and call out "Mantle's under it...and he makes the catch!" as the ball slapped down hard into his glove.  I remember playing backyard football and thinking "here's Grogan back to pass- he's got a receiver open!"

I know that there are kids out there today who dream of being a great baseball, football, or basketball player, and some of them feed that dream with intense practice and coaching.  A lot more just have a lot of fun playing with their friends and imagining the cheering crowds without really expecting any of it to manifest in reality- but they are outside, connecting with friends, getting exercise, having fun.

This stupid doofus wants to be the starting Quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys right now- and he's going to pretend to be just that by-- putting on a VR set and, well, doing basically absolutely nothing else.  Doesn't even have to get out of bed.  

Life was better back then.  Didn't even need fancy electronics.  And did I mention the exercise and connecting with friends and having fun while being outside?  There was that, too. 

This Wendy's Santa Claus Commercial is an overdose of Cringe.

 

1.  We've got no fewer than FIVE employees at this Wendy's with nothing to do but stare at an obese old man just trying to enjoy the last few minutes of his life consuming a cup of frozen candy in peace.  Despite the fact that they are Adults, I think we're supposed to believe that they are debating as to whether or not the old guy is, um, Santa Claus.  

Again, this is happening at a Wendy's restaurant where I guess nobody is online, nothing is on the grill, and there is absolutely nothing for any of these FIVE EMPLOYEES* to do other than to speculate that one of their customers is the physical manifestation of a fairy tale.  

2.  In one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen in a tv commercial (and MAN is that saying a lot), one of the employees walks up to the old man and proceeds to SIT ON HIS LAP because yeah there's nothing at all creepy or intrusive about that.  I mean, can we try to picture this happening in the real world for a second?  Fat senior citizen with a white beard is just minding his own business waiting for his heart to finally explode at his local Wendy's when he's suddenly assaulted by an obviously mentally stunted employee.  The natural follow up to this Hi-LARIOUS moment is this young employee's firing and arrest, and a nice big FAT lawsuit against Wendy's when it's revealed that the kid they obviously hired as part of some social uplift program was put up to molesting a customer by his fellow workers.  

None of this is funny or heartwarming or anything really other than really stupid and more than a little gross.  Oh, and very very cringe-worthy, as the title suggests.  If you haven't caught this one yet, I have to warn you in advance that you won't be able to Unsee the Wendy's Monkey attempting to give Santa a lap dance.  You're welcome, and Happy Holidays.

*of the five employees we see, one looks like a woman in her 20s, one looks like a woman in her 30s, one looks like a white male in his thirties, one looks like a white male in his 40s or early 50s, and there's one black male who looks to be around 40.  Thing is, the average fast food worker in the United States is a 24 year old white woman, so the lame attempt to present diversity here falls flat on its face.  Like the rest of the ad. 

Domino's "buy garbage get garbage free" offer, and fun with the Food Pyramid

 

...because what more could you want with your order of cheap bread, cheese and sauce in the shape of a saucer than another order of cheap bread and cheese- hey, we'll even throw in some dipping sauce!- on the side?

And if the pizza-in-another-form doesn't serve your addiction to processed, fatty, sugary garbage, well, here's some bite-sized chocolate-y goo things- at least, I think that's what it is.  Domino's just refers to it here as "something else."  Which is at least honest- yeah, I can't come up with labels for what are basically leftovers from the pizza creation process repackaged into free* crap Domino's will give you along with your box of warm non-nutrition.  Anything to keep you coming back to this particular Diabetes Promotion Facility instead of Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, McDonald's, Burger King, etc. etc. ETC. 

*free if you ignore the billions of dollars in federal subsidies given to the wheat, corn (and corn sugar) and dairy (here's an idea- don't just put cheese ON the pizza!  Put it IN the pizza!  And put it in something called "cheesy bread" and and sell or give that away as a "side."  

(I keep remembering a page from my science textbook back in High School which included the "Food Pyramid" which was promoted by the federal government after WWII as a way of propping up Agribusiness.  Even then I thought that the pyramid promoted the consumption of a ridiculous amount of food- 

I mean, seriously.  Six servings of rice, pasta, cereal, and/or bread every day?  Three servings of milk, yogurt and/or cheese every day?  Who needs to eat meat twice a day?  And how does one eat cereal six times a day but also "use sweets sparingly?"  Oh, and I also remember this line on the same page:  "Of course, milk should be your drink at every meal."  Um, WHY?  Why would ANYONE need to drink that much MILK?  Not to mention that if people drink three glasses of milk a day, why would they also need to take calcium and Vitamin D supplements?  So Big Pharma was in on this with Big Agriculture?

Point of Personal Privilege: This New York Times article on why certain people are not re-entering the job market.

 

Why Are Middle-Aged Men Missing From the Labor Market?

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/12/02/business/economy/job-market-middle-aged-men.html?smid=url-share

I hope you'll indulge me as I take a break from trashing bad commercials to trash bad news articles, I promise my dozens of readers that it won't be a permanent thing.

1.  When the hell did 35 to 44 become "middle-aged?"  I feel personally attacked by this definition.  From my mail I know that AARP considers me a prime target for obvious scammers- not to mention someone in the market for a Jitterbug Phone, comfy slippers and an even more comfortable coffin- but I'm not a senior citizen!  So if I'm too old to be "middle-aged" and too young to be a senior, what the heck am I?  I mean, besides a cynical chronic complainer (oh wait, maybe I am a senior....)*

2.  This line:  "(Many of these unemployed men) are looking for flexibility and higher pay.  The ability to work from home three days a week, or have a four-day weekend- things that other jobs haven't figured out- aren't possible for those types of occupations."  

So the reason thirtysomething (excuse me, "middle aged") men aren't re-entering the work force is because they want a job that pays them a living wage while they work from home three days a week and/or enjoy a four-day weekend?  Well, I guess that makes sense, if the generation being called "middle-aged" is the children of baby boomers- you know, those lazy twats who want to start at the top because they were spoiled with participation trophies, or something.  Of course they want to work from home in their pajamas and have very long weekends, and of course they aren't going back to work until they can get them because....

3.  There's this "FIRE" trend that I didn't know about, FIRE standing for Financial Independence, Retire Early.  So a lot of these- um- "middle aged" men aren't rejoining the work force because they don't have to.  They made their money, and decades before they can start collecting Social Security benefits or go on Medicare, they are already out of the rat race.  If this is a serious option for a significant population of men, what are boomers complaining about again?  Sounds like these guys hustled early and are living the dream.  I wouldn't mind being retired, and I'm - um- a few years removed from the 44 year cut-off when I apparently stopped being "middle-aged" and became a decrepit, grandchildren-obsessed, huge clunky phone-using perpetual scam victim.  Why are we even talking about people who don't work anymore because they don't have to?  Who cares about them?  And while we're at it, why do we care about anything other than the fact that kids won't stay off my lawn?

*or maybe, I'm just a boomer?  
 

Small Business Saturday: please, tell me why I was supposed to care. Because I just don't get it.

 

I have yet to hear a coherent argument as to why I should give a tinker's damn about any small business.  In my experience (which is to say, from a careful viewing of thousands of ads like this and a careful listen given to thousands more on the radio) I am now convinced that 99.9 percent of these small businesses are vanity projects launched by people motivated by nothing more than a determination not to admit ever that they are just like the rest of us and need to get a job and stop pretending that they are the next Steve Jobs with their Karen's Kwirky Kupcakes and Koffee or Betty's Bedding or Jack and Diane's Toyz for your Totz or WHATEVER.   I swear, if I hear another "I started my business roasting coffee in my garage" or "I decided to take my passion for creating Walmart-level jewelry to the next level" story I'm going to just lose it. 

But hey, if you want to throw your ego energy into a small business, please, go for it.  Just don't bitch at me that you "can't" provide a decent wage, or health care, to your "employees who are just like family," because it's not all about sticking your name on a sign and waiting for the money to roll in.  And it's not a reason why I should support you.  Neither is "because I'm small and local," because so are tics and cholera, and I don't support them, either.

Mom and Crown Royal? What, flowers aren't a thing anymore?

 

So this is a guy who "has it all," including a mom who taught him to appreciate all the finer things in life.  Especially drinking Crown Royal Whiskey in the middle of the afternoon.  Lovely.

Seriously, what else am I supposed to get out of this ad?  The guy buys a bottle of whiskey.  He's got a big smile on his face as he greets the world, walking through town toward his mother's very substantial urban apartment where he finds her home in the middle of the day.  He salutes her with a glass of whiskey- "to the best mom in the world."  Because the best mom in the world definitely appreciates a bottle of whiskey from her son, especially if they can open it right then and there and start imbibing. 

What am I missing here?  Every Crown Royal Whiskey commercial is this level of Depressing- we see people sitting around drinking this stuff and it's supposed to be heartwarming or comforting or something.  What exactly is comforting about hard liquor being consumed IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING DAY?  What do these people do AFTER they've had their glass of whiskey?  Take a heartwarming nap at the table, or on the sofa (if they can get to it,) or on the floor (if they can't?)  Does the young man in this ad really have "fond" memories of Mom and her Crown Royal Whiskey at the kitchen table and how sometimes she couldn't get up without help or slept all the next day because she "didn't feel well?"  All the times the young man had bread and peanut butter for dinner because mom was having One of Those Days?  Or maybe it was the Crown Royal that got mom through the Tough Times and mellowed her out, which is why the young man feels so happy about bringing her Another Bottle to Lighten her Load?

Whatever it is, I fondly remember when we just didn't have ads like this on tv because there were laws against promoting hard liquor that made sense.  Then the Free Speech Advocates decided that they were losing too much money not reaching enough potential addicts and got their lobbyists to work to demand their sacred right to peddle poison during football games and at all other times.  I don't think we live in a better place as a result. 

One question about this Voltaren ad which has nothing to do with Voltaren

I just gotta ask- does the same "singer" do all of these commercials?  Because everywhere I turn, there's someone crooning along with a weak, almost-cracking voice to a terrible background song which I guess is supposed to be touching or sweet or something.  It's like living in a hellscape dystopia where Billie Eilish is the only surviving vocalist on the planet. 

Never mind Voltaren- it's a good product, I was using it when it was only available by prescription and I still use it now that it can be purchased off the shelf.  But this kind of "music" has got to go because seriously, if I want my ears to bleed I'll knock them up against the wall.  This is garbage.

One mean comment about this stupid Uber ad

 

Simply put, Uber Eats is the Online Gambling App of people addicted to processed food.  

You know, maybe having food delivered directly to your door, allowing you to skip the shopping and the prep and all that annoying moving around isn't the very best for you in the long run?  I mean, maybe go on Amazon and order a scale and a Fitbit and get your life under control before you're another statistic in America's losing war on obesity?  Just a thought. 

That depressing Best Buy "playground" commercial

 

1.  This kid is growing up believing that "going to the playground" means visiting Best Buy and playing video games.  It's nice that she's doing this with her dad (considering his girth, she should spend as much time with him as possible right now) but come on- playgrounds include swings and monkey bars and above all fresh air, none of which can be provided by Best Buy- except virtually, of course.

2.  This kid's social life must be really something.  She's never seen interacting with kids her own age because again, the "playground" is Best Buy.  This is sad.  I'm done now.  So glad I was born in the last century and not this one. 

The graveyards are filled with the "Brave"

 

Fortune might "favor the brave," but you know what favors your fortune?  Investing it in actual, physical assets and not imaginary (excuse me, "non-fungible") not-even-garbage-because-garbage-has-actual-potential-value "crypto currency."

Oh, but I'm sure Matt Damon is doing just fine.  He almost certainly got paid in that So Yesterday US Currency only scared little mice like me still use.  Neither of us is "brave" enough to get on board with crypto, right?

Larry David, FTX, and hating to say "I told you so."

 

It's been eight months since I snarked on this commercial* and the idea that if you are a crypto skeptic, well, you're just one of those losers who throughout history have slowed the wheels of progress, failed to jump on the bandwagon when they saw it leaving the station, and any other cliche' for not recognizing a great deal when it was right in front of you.  All being sold to us by comedians, quarterbacks, actors and other people who have proven time and time again that they'll put their face on any product that will hand them money in return.

Well, what do you know- the value of a single FTX token, $47 at the time this ad was warning people who were just trying to watch the Superbowl that their chance to get rich quick was fading fast, was at $2.06 at the close of business Friday.  I'm sure that Larry David, Matt Damon, Tom Brady etc. barely noticed, even if they were dumb enough to take their blood money in this particular crypto currency, because money is falling out of their ears and taking the gig was probably at least as much about keeping their faces in front of the viewers as it was about the salary.  But what about the Regular Guys out there who bought in last February, perhaps by liquidating part of their sluggish-but-stable 401(ks) or shifting investments away from those boring blue chip stocks in the hope of cashing in on this bright, shiny object which, after all, was legitimate enough to be advertised during the most expensive night for advertising on the calendar?  I mean, a fool and his money- I get it- but this isn't funny anymore, is it?

(Oh, but check the comments- I don't see a single person angry at Larry David for pitching this scam.  Instead, we see a lot of "Larry David was right!" posts from people who are either so dumb that they think Mr. David was warning us against crypto or are just engaged in schadenfreude.)

Meanwhile, I guess I was "like Larry" in one respect:  I said "no thanks" to the "opportunity" to be part of "history" and buy FTX crypto.  In another life, I imagine I skipped out on the chance to get a discounted berth on the Titanic, too.  Just a stick in the mud, I guess. 

*Here's the original post, from April: http://www.thecommercialcurmudgeon.com/2022/04/i-guess-chapter-where-larry-david.html

Hey Chase, could you please lose Kevin Hart for real?

 

Not only is Catherine O'Hara the only person in the world that has lost track of Kevin, she's the only person who would react to "losing" him with panic rather than grateful relief.  

Want to find Kevin Hart?  Just turn on your damn tv.  He's on every other freaking commercial these days.  By the time New Year's rolls around, we'll be begging him to get lost and stay lost.  Especially if we get any more of these twee "nostalgia" ads reminding us of crappy films from a generation ago we only enjoy if we associate the holiday season with parental neglect and "hilarious" scenes of cartoon pain. 

In the meantime- Kevin Hart?  Please, just get lost already.  And take that walking smarm-bot Jake from State Farm and Flo with you.  Enough is more than enough.

There is literally nothing to this Verizon ad

 

Every once in a while, I see a commercial so vapid, so content-free, that I'm convinced it was made to deprive me of an opportunity to snark on it.  This is one of those ads, but I'm going for it anyway.

This ad is not necessary.  We see the phrase "for our loyal customers" posted everywhere all the time but we who live in the real world of consumers know that compared to potential customers, "loyal customers" are the dirt under the shoe of a company intern.  The first idiot actually thinks that he got a deal for his family - free iPhones, which is basically like thanking the dealer down the street for hooking his family up with deep-discount heroin- because he's a long-time customer.  He's stunned to find out that the even blander white family he apparently didn't notice was standing a few feet from his that they, too, got free iPhones even though they are brand new customers (the wife from central casting says they got free phones "even though ours were busted."  Huh- so you already had iPhones, but they were all broken, but you were holding on to them anyway, huh?  This is so plausible.)

The only slightly remarkable thing about this ad is that the family which is surprised by the generosity of Verizon is black, and the "you're nothing special, we got the same deal" family that puts them in their place is white.  These days, I'd expect exactly the opposite.  But that being said, all of these sad, phone-addicted morons should feel free to die in a terrible fire now for wasting my time.

A quick, mean take on this Domino's "Leftovers" ad

 

I have to assume that this ad is meant to convince single people that they have a reason to take advantage of Get Two for a One Low Price deals by pointing out something we already know- that if we can't eat it all in one sitting, we'll have leftovers we can eat the next day.  We were also already aware that quality pizza tastes fine warmed up- not sure what this has to do with Domino's, but there it is. 

But jeesh, maybe showing a morbidly obese woman in her robe all hyped to start her day with leftover grease, starch and carbs isn't the best selling point you could have come up with, Domino's.  This woman isn't anyone I want to emulate, thanks anyway.  She should NOT be starting her day with a low-fiber, low-protein chunk of white bread slathered with sugary sauce unless her goal is to be ravenously hungry all day.  Just sayin'. 

Why 1991's "Necessary Roughness" is the worst sports movie of all time

 

It's not because it "stars" Scott Bakula as a 40-year old former High School quarterback who hasn't thrown a football in 22 years yet can still compete against guys half his age with twice his muscles and three times his muscle memory.  

It's not because it features Sinbad as a 30-something former High School defensive tackle who "has one year of eligibility left" who despite not being in any kind of shape can compete against guys more than a decade younger than he is.

It's not because it also includes Roy Schneider as an obnoxious play by play announcer who is apparently hooked up to a loudspeaker so he can pretend he's doing television and call plays as they develop on the field because that's how that works.  Schneider is actually only in this film to beat to death the schtick he was kind of known for from a few SNL skits in 1990 ("FUMBLEREENO! FUMBELAYA! THE FUMBELATOR!"), and his two minutes of total screen time is at least a minute and fifty seconds too much. 

It's not because we see Robert Loggia slumming it as the worst coach of all time, reacting to dropped passes by screaming NO NO NO and throwing his playbook to the ground because We've All Seen That Before. 

It's not even because Kathy Ireland shows up for about eight total minutes of screen time because There's Nothing In The Rule Book that says (insert nonsense that you can bet IS IN THE RULE BOOK.)

Necessary Roughness is really, really bad for all of the above reasons, but none of them are the reason, and all of them put together wouldn't make this the worst sports movie of all time.  No, the reason this film fails so badly is because it takes concept that had already been done much better in Major League and would later be done much better in The Mighty Ducks- the Triumph of the Plucky Underdogs- and sticks it into the least plausible of all sports, college football.   

Anyone out there ever WATCH a college football contest?  On a weekly basis, a ranked team will defeat an unranked team by five, six, seven touchdowns or more.  Last Saturday Ohio State beat a very good Kansas team by 44 points, and that wasn't close to the biggest blowout of the day.  Every once in a while, yeah you see huge upsets, but those occur when an underrated squad ambushes a tired, overconfident or injury-riddled favorite.  But in Necessary Roughness, a team of old, out-of-shape, undersized and basically talentless dopes walk into the final game of the season with an 0-8-1 record and end up defeating the UNDEFEATED NUMBER ONE TEAM IN THE COUNTRY which for some reason is in the same conference as the Scott Bakula-lead Loveable LosersTM.  Oh, and did I mention that Bakula's team wins while playing Iron Man Football (in order to keep the "stars" on the field, the same players are on offense and defense?)  Oh, and did I mention that despite the team being old, out-of-shape, undersized, talentless and playing Iron Man football, the same players play every game and NONE OF THEM SUFFER ANY INJURIES?

In real life, this team loses 100-0 every week except for the last one, when they play the national champs and lose 150-0 with the final three quarters being played with the loveable loser starters watching from the hospital.  This is really, really bad because it doesn't even get over the ridiculously low bar that American audiences are willing to set for films of this type.  We'll accept an undersized high school basketball team which includes a morbidly obese kid and a 110-lb. Michael J Fox beating a much more talented group of kids because it's Local High School Basketball.  We'll accept a kid who has never been in a Karate Tournament and basically learns to fight on the spot ending up winning because hey none of us has ever been to a Karate Tournament and probably didn't even know they were real things.   But we are so familiar with college football that this is just way too much for any of us to watch with an open mind. I mean, come on give me a break.

Oh, and Fred Thompson (RIP) is in this dumpster fire too.  As if we needed another reason to avoid it.  All in all, a completely forgettable film which is also an insult to the intelligence of anyone who even casually follows college football and which leaves us wondering why it was ever conceived at all. 

Meta Insulting

 

1.  If you buy that the people in this ad are Real People Not ActorsTM, well, I guess you're half right- they aren't "actors" in that they can't act.  They are not, however, actual customers of some kind of mailing service who are in a Candid Camera/Punk'd situation and if you think they are, please show yourself out and don't come back.

2.  I mean, the woman we see "was wanting to mail this..." and she has a letter in her hand.  She looks like an adult to me.  Which means she's heard of this thing called the United States Postal Service, which was founded less than a year after the signing of a piece of paper called the Declaration of F--ng Independence.  Why is she going to some shipping company to have a letter mailed?  

3.  If this service is boasting of providing encrypted, totally private delivery of texts, well, what's the point in a country filled with people who carry on extremely sensitive conversations on buses, at the grocery store, sitting at Starbucks and basically everywhere else?  The people who developed this thing think that they live in a country where people are concerned about privacy?  Where did they get this idea?  

4. Oh wait, Meta is behind this?  The company that owns Facebook, everyone's favorite source of hate speech and election-altering misinformation which is currently losing billions in revenue and probably won't exist at all two years from now?  That Meta?  Yeah, pass.  I mean, "not owned by Elon Musk" is a positive, but not THAT big of a positive.  Meanwhile, I've watched this garbage several times now and I still can't quite figure out what they are trying to sell me here.  Nor do I really care.   

With FanDuel, you can use your already poor decision-making skills to someone else's advantage!

 

Or You're already dangerously stupid - why not use that quality to rid your wallet of excess money by downloading the FanDuel app?

I've already posted about how much I hate this phenomenon of advertising impulse gambling like it's some kind of fun activity you'd be involved in already if you weren't such a stick in the mud and not an addiction-creating, finances-endangering disaster waiting to happen.  We've devolved so far from condemning gambling that we now have sites like FanDuel and DraftKings sponsoring pregame shows.  In a few short decades we've gone from "drink this soda or you're a loser" to "drink this beer or you're a loser" to "drink this hard liquor or you're a loser" to "bet on everything imaginable or you're a loser," and I don't call this "progress."  I call it pathetic and sad and more than a little scary. 

I don't see this as innocent fun, especially but not exclusively because we are living in a time of stretched paychecks and flatlined 401(k)s.  I see this horror as a gold mine for a few manipulative greedy scumbags who are too lazy to rip off the desperate the old-fashioned way- by opening a Check Cashing Service or offering Payday Loans or running a Rent-a-Center or pawn shop.  I think these people would be offering free samples of crack* if it weren't for all these annoying laws.  And who is going to pay for all this?  The idiots who don't realize that gambling is as addictive as alcohol and sugar- which will also be heavily promoted in between ads for gambling sites.  Good luck to the rest of us, and get ready for a wave of "I lost my family and my house because of my new drug addiction" stories.  

*please note that ALL of these gambling sites offer their own versions of "free samples" these days. 

Dr. Pepper's Fansville Commercials are the epitome of Lazy-Stupid

 

It's such a simple concept:  there are people out there who never really left college in their hearts.  College was the peak experience of their lives, maybe because it's when they found their significant other or it's just when they were at their healthiest and most fit and (because they had the rights of adulthood but not yet the responsibilities) simply the Best Time They Would Ever Have.  I get it.  I really do understand the concept.

So- the concept goes- let's just create an imaginary community entirely populated by these people who insist on living largely in the past, pretending that they are still in school despite the wrinkles and gray hairs and full-time jobs and mortgages.  Despite all that lame "adult" stuff the only thing that matters to these people is The Big Game coming up between Alma Mater University and The Other Guys.  These people go around dressed in school colors and even paint their faces just like they did (or think they remember doing) when they were actual students at that school which I presume they live down the street from because that's where their hearts are and they can't bear to be too far away.  How they go about their lives between January and August, when their team is not playing, is a mystery we're not supposed to think too hard upon.  It would be like asking what the people of those entirely Christmas-themed towns in Hallmark Movies do between January and November.  Better to leave such queries to ourselves.

But like all advertising concepts, this one had a shelf life and like way too many, that shelf life has been ignored so what we have pounding at us from our televisions every weekend is stale and monotonous at best, We Get It Move On Now obnoxious at worst.  I don't want to meet anyone who likes these Fansville commercials because their limited supply of amusing ran out somewhere around 2019.  Also, all this dramatic fuss is over a soda.  A soda that tastes like cough medicine.  I mean, come on.  It's not even beer.  It's SODA.  That stuff you never touched when you were in college because YOU WERE IN COLLEGE.  Are we supposed to believe that one of the things that the Fans of Fansville most fondly remember about their halcyon days in the hallowed halls of AMU was drinking DOCTOR PEPPER?  So they had no social life at all back in college- and, judging from at least one "episode" of this long-running series which includes loony mom and dad sending their kid off to college with a 12-pack of the stuff- they don't want their offspring to have one either?

Can Someone please explain the mentality of the people in this Kohler Commercial?

 

In the fall of 2005 my parents in Vermont lost power for three days as a result of a freak blizzard.  The following year they invested in a generator.  On the rare occasions it's been put to use, it powers about one-third of the house- it keeps the heat going, along with the electricity in the kitchen and....that's about it.  And that's plenty because hey, it's for emergencies.

So someone explain to me why the people in this ad responded to losing power and having to switch to their EMERGENCY GENERATOR by USING AS MUCH ELECTRICITY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE (I'm actually impressed that we don't see at least thirty cell phones being recharged during this massive party going on; was that scene just cut from the final version because someone said "maybe that's a bit much?")  The drain that these idiots are putting on that generator is almost frightening- if they'll suck up this much juice when they are using their own gas to generate it, how do they behave when connected to the grid?  It's like they are worried that people ten blocks away won't notice that they have power.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?

A Dollop of Dumb

 

1.  "Adding fat makes stuff tastes better."  Wow, what a revolutionary concept.

2.  Yes, that woman is eating strawberries with sour cream, something that no human being on Earth has ever done or will ever do.  Just because it's white and creamy doesn't make it whipped cream, lady.  That's just gross. 

3.  Yes, this really is a commercial for a brand of sour cream.  Because Americans just don't get enough junk into their arteries already, I guess.  So let's encourage everyone to drop several tablespoons of milk fermented with bacteria on to EVERYTHING, including strawberries.  That will be a big help. 

That Extra-Creepy Gum Ad where the dolls are not the creepy part.

 

Yeaahhhh....if you're a 28-year old guy who likes to sit on beds with 12-year old girls,* I don't have a lot of sympathy for your feelings of discomfort.  If I were you (and I thank my non-existent god that I am NOT) I'd be checking the closet for Chris Hansen.  

*12-year old girls channeling Damien Thorne, yet.  Seriously, what the hell is with this chick?  If I were this guy I'd start to wonder if I had fallen into a Get Out type of situation.  She looks like she's going to do her best to drag him into her basement so he can be ritually sacrificed to her personal Cat Demon. 

The Ultimate in First-World Problems, and a case of Foolish Economy

Check out this article from CNN published today:  https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/disney-price-hikes-visitor-demand/index.html.  It opens with the sad, sad story of an adult woman who decided to fly to Southern Florida to go to Disney World but then, when she found that the entrance price had increased by "forty or fifty dollars" (which one?  Why the estimate rather than an actual price? Does it fluctuate?) made the decision to "cut her trip by a day."  

What the actual heck?  This woman spent god knows how much money to fly across the country to visit some stupid theme park but decided she needed to save $50 by only going to that park for a day instead of her originally-planned two?  This would be like me flying to Paris and then not visiting the Eiffel Tower because the cost of the elevator had risen from $20 to $40.  Or me spending $4000 for a week in Ireland and then not buying a t-shirt because, hey, it's that $20 again.  I mean, is this really the moment I'm going to choose to save some money?

I am not even going to get deeply into the whole "problem" of a theme park in which attendants are constantly assaulted by commercials while waiting in endless lines (and are encouraged to pay extra to get into slightly shorter lines, essentially creating a caste system right there in the park by charging more for the "experience.")  Theme parks are not grocery stores and rides are not food or medication.  If Disney World, Disney Land, Six Flags or Hershey Park become "too expensive," people will stop going, and the prices will come back down.  This is called Capitalism and while I'm not a fan, I do get how it works and how pointless it is to complain about it (and how dumb it is to make the decision to spend a thousand dollars traveling a thousand miles and then deciding it's time to economize over forty or fifty bucks.  What did that stupid woman do with the extra day she had because she didn't go to Disney World?  Did she just fly back home early, or did she stand in the parking lot at Disney World looking through the gates at the exhausted, sweaty People of Means having "fun" in there?) 

And oh, one more thing- Times are Tight.  Millions of people are struggling to pay their grocery bills and rent and other Necessary Expenses.  If a day at Disney World (but not a cross-country flight) seems a bit pricey to you right now, seriously, touch grass.  I don't care about this particular "problem," sorry. 

LeBron, Lilly, and thirty seconds of pointless noise

To answer an all-too-common question in the comment section:  No, LeBron James and Lilly did NOT film this commercial together.  They are never in the same room during their takes.  Not even once.  I mean, that's obvious- but I had to say it anyway, because OMG some of you people are dense.

But more to the point, why was this ad even made?  Oh right, because LeBron James agreed to mouth a few lines in front of a camera which could then be spliced in with everyone's favorite Yesterday's Darling Lilly (seriously, enough already.  Let's move on please.)  And got paid with more money than most of us make in several years for doing it.  The result is a cringe-fest which is hard to watch and even harder to listen to.  And an ad that makes both people extremely punchable.  And making the audience very jealous of the fact that they never had to be in the same room together.  We'd like to avoid this too, but as long as we are addicted to watching sports on the weekend, we are kind of stuck with both of them.

That Taco Bell "apology" commercial with Pete Davidson misses the point.

 

So Taco Bell is "apologizing" for its "complicated" breakfast options- I think they are specifically aiming at some waffle monstrosity that just didn't land well with its audience.  So Pete Davidson is here to let us know that TB is going "back to basics" with something that a bachelor would make in his own kitchen with ingredients he found in the fridge- eggs, sausage and potatoes, all stacked on top of each other and wrapped in bread.  For a very low price, I assume.  I don't know for sure, because I'm pretty sure I've never been to Taco Bell.

To me, this is like Alex Jones apologizing for his vocal fry.  Taco Bell owes us an apology, but not for "overly complicating" breakfast.  Taco Bell owes the country an apology for its generous contribution to our obesity epidemic, something it seems determined instead to continue to feed (no pun intended) with highly-palatable, calorie-dense garbage disguised as a "simple" breakfast.  Promoted by an overrated comedian some of us kind of remember from SNL, maybe.  

Um, thanks for the "apology," Taco Bell.  Insulin is still really expensive though.  

An Extra-Stupid Gum Commercial

 

1.  I've never once had a waiter ask "one bill or separate?"  The waiter just brings the bill.  What the hell kind of vibe did the waiter pick up from this couple that made him think that maybe they were going Dutch Treat?

2.  So the question causes the male on the date to panic.  Why?  What was the conversation about all dinner?  Was it about Toxic Masculinity?  I mean, what could possibly have been the topic of discussion to make this poor shlub react in such a way to a simple (though perplexing in that it comes from the waiter) question?

3.  Poor shlub reacts to the question- and his panic- by jamming a piece of gum in his mouth, to buy time I guess.  Yeah, sorry, buddy, but you've already blown it.  At this point you might as well say "separate checks, please" because you aren't seeing this particular girl again, ever.  Nobody is desperate enough to come back from more of this nonsense.

Learn your lesson, buddy.  Guys pay.  Just pick up the check, and if your date objects, apologize and agree to separate bills- but try to pick up the check first.  This isn't rocket science.  Oh, and save the gum- despite your actions on this night, you aren't twelve years old.  You shouldn't be worrying about your mom smelling alcohol on your breath.  Grow up.  And better luck next time. 

"The Terminal" (2004) and a fantasy sponsored by Burger King

 

Oh sure- in 2004, a hamburger at an airport terminal Burger King cost 74 cents.  Of course it did.  And a full meal including a Whopper, salad, fries and a drink cost what looks like five dollars in quarters- uh huh, sure I totally buy that. 

Come on.  I've been in plenty of airports over the years.  The prices are ridiculously inflated- after all, you're limited in your options, you're traveling, you're either in a hurry or you're stuck waiting for a delayed flight but (like Tom Hanks' character here) you really can't leave to seek cheaper facilities elsewhere.  It's like eating in a sports complex- you take what you can get and you pay what they want to charge.  

This scene exists because Hanks' character had three quarters and Burger King threw money at the producers.  This being the case, it would hardly do to have the cashier turn a very hungry Tom Hanks away because he (obviously) lacked sufficient funds to buy ANYTHING on the menu- that would have been right up there with burning an American Flag.  I mean, this is Forrest Gump and Captain Miller- he fought in Vietnam AND World War II!  And when Hanks' character has five dollars, he's going to go right back there to Burger King where, instead of getting that hamburger and MAYBE a small soda, he's going to be handed what would cost $15 at a typical strip mall Burger King or closer to $25 at an airport terminal BK.  

The only realistic part is that Hanks keeps rushing back to BK several times over the course of the day to ravenously gulp down the garbage they serve up there- because the stuff is highly palatable, hyper-processed, low-nutrient and extremely addictive Nothing that will leave anyone extremely hungry within hours after consuming it.  Hanks being trapped in that terminal for months is kind of a metaphor for the rest of Burger King's customers, except they can't see the walls they've created for themselves with every trip to the Drive-Thru. 

Who- or what- is Orbit afraid of?

 

Notice how interracial couples have basically become the norm in commercials EXCEPT when it comes to Asians?  We've reached the point when I am genuinely surprised to see an all-white or all-black couple, and homosexual couples don't merit the bat of an eye.  But whenever I see an Asian guy in a commercial who is part of a couple, I know the other half of the relationship is going to be an Asian girl.  It never fails. 

Why is that?  Is it the same reason why every blockbuster film includes a Chinese actor (who is always one of the good guys?)  Something to do with a rather large market on the other side of the planet that we must avoid offending with our Crazy Western Sensibilities?  Just a thought. 

The Fox Bet Super 6 Something To Do Before the Next Powerball Drawing Insult

 

A few weeks ago I snarked on the concept of commercials promoting gambling addiction.  Well, here's Fox's NFL programming offering a fix by giving viewers a chance to win a million dollars from everyone's favorite brain-damaged ex-Quarterback It's Ok To Laugh At* He Doesn't Mind It's Basically Been His Job for More than Half his Life. And it's never been entertaining.  

*I can honestly say I've never once laughed at Terry Bradshaw.  Not because I was taught it was rude to laugh at the obviously disabled, but because Terry Bradshaw has never once done or said anything that struck me as remotely funny.  Go figure. 

Taco Bell Knows Americans

 

And what is it that Taco Bell knows about Americans?  That it's all about Quantity, not Quality.  That's why these commercials focus on cost, not taste.  Taco Bell is well aware that its customers will never rave about the actual taste of the "food" they are shoveling into their mouths (the food which is gradually killing them, but yeah keep answering that bell, America.)  What keeps them coming back (besides the addictive nature of the calories they are consuming) is the price.  Taco Bell is all about providing increasingly large amounts of fat, sugar and carbs for the least amount of immediate damage to one's wallet (of course, over time this type of diet is EXTREMELY expensive, because the food is not at all filling and, as pointed out early, very addicting....plus there are the medical bills coming down the road, because seriously, your body can't do this forever....)  Busy, lazy, and/or poor Americans aren't interested in an actual dining experience featuring actual nutrition.  They ARE interested- or, again, ADDICTED TO- fast calories that stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain short-term.  The crash that comes later?  Well, that's just another bell going off telling them to go get more.  Win-win for Taco Bell, Lose-Lose for the rest of us. 

And here's the kicker- the more stressed and economically marginalized the country gets, the better Taco Bell- truly the Dollar Store of fast food- does in blowing past its profit projections.  More stock is sold at a higher price, and the money can be used to make more commercials and draw in more hungry dupes.  Talk about a vicious cycle....

Coca Cola Cringe

 

I have to give a rare Shout Out to one of the YouTube commenters reacting to this garbage- it's the one who posts "Guyssss you keep getting in my shots!  How am I gonna be cringe and unoriginal on tiktok if you won't let me finish?"

Yes, exactly. This girl doesn't need privacy and time to create something of value. She just wants to jump around for a few seconds in the hopes of going viral or whatever the Zoomer Generation calls it. And she's repeatedly thwarted by her idiot family and friends who are just going about their everyday activities- ordering junk "food" to be delivered because preparing meals is something the uncool old fogies did back in the day.

I hope I'm not triggering this girl by suggesting that maybe the universe is trying to tell her something with all of these interruptions- like, put the phone away, put the light away, and go be part of that family you share a house with instead of working so hard to make a fool of yourself in front of the planet. Just a thought. Oh, and skip that huge cup of diabetes your parents purchased for you Because They Love You. They meant well, it's the thought that counts, and if you wait till they leave the room before pouring it down the drain they'll be none the wiser.

I don't see a can anywhere in this Yummy Can Potatoes ad. Just one huge Can't which is a deal-breaker.

 

My goal in life is to someday be as happy about ANYTHING as this woman is about being able to "bake" potatoes in her microwave.  Seriously, now this is a woman who set the bar very, very low and is better off because she did. 

I notice that the word "crisp" is not heard anywhere in this ad, and if this thing can't produce baked potatoes with crispy skin- and it can't- it's not anything I'm interested in.  That gigantic piece of steak they are being served with looks very nice, though.  

And I find it very funny that the last thirty seconds of this ad isn't about the product, but just a few of the amazingly tasty ways that one could prepare potatoes.  Sour cream and chives?  Butter and salt?  Quick, let me write these down!

4imprint.com's "Moment" we all tolerate out of a false sense of obligation.

 

Watch this commercial without the sound on, and see if you don't come up with exactly the same conclusions that I did:

Girl carrying the basket:  "I can't believe it's come to this.  I had hopes and dreams.  I was going to have a great career.  For a while I thought I was gonna be an engineer* even!  And look at me now- in my late 20s, with a Master's Degree, carrying a basket of cheap disposable garbage with some soulless company's name on it across the room to give to someone who will probably chuck it into the nearest trash can as soon as my back is turned."

Girl receiving the basket: "Oh god, what is with it with these companies and their insistence on sending people off with crap with their logo on it?  Like I don't have enough umbrellas that break with the first rain or travel mugs that make coffee taste funny and leak and end up sitting in the cupholder for a year because I never remember to bring it inside or sitting in the break room because I never remember to put it back in the car or ugly pullovers I wouldn't wear if I was freezing to death.  And a whole damn BASKET full of this trash?  Maybe the basket has some utility.  How far do I have to carry the contents before I find a dumpster big enough to ditch it in?"

I do appreciate the fake frozen smiles on both of these women at least.  They look seriously deranged, or at least like they both know the other is playing a stupid role in a charade they'd rather skip but can't because this is still a weird ritual businesses go through for some reason. 

*shoutout to Peggy Seeger.

Society Folds faster than the latest dumb Galaxy device.

 

Well, I guess one smartphone company decided that adding another camera or making its product slimmer or removing the earphone jack just wasn't a stupid enough "improvement" to justify another rollout to the Always Eager to Spend to Hell with Retirement Funds masses.  So instead, we get what I really hope turns out to be the dumbest gimmick ever (yes, even dumber than that phone which could project images on to a wall so that you could show everyone the new Avatar trailer.  Remember that one?  What was that, ten years ago?  I think it was more than that, actually.)

This phone- um, "folds."  Not in the cool way that the old phones did which allowed you to pretend you were on Star Trek trying to contact Scotty to have him beam you up (everyone did with flip phones, not just me.  Everyone did.  Shut Up.)  But in a really really stupid way which I guess features a flexible (not at all delicate, of course) screen which is a valuable upgrade Because Reasons, those Reasons being People Will Notice Your Cool Phone.

I hate everyone in this ad.  I hate everyone who had anything to do with this ad.  I hate everyone who is commenting about how much they love this ad and love this phone (because I know that nobody commenting that they love the phone actually owns one.)  Most of all, I hate the Western World for being this Stupid.  Come on, people.  There's got to be more to life than falling for shiny electronic trinkets like this.  I can guarantee you that there's a lot more to life than BUYING these shiny electronic trinkets.  But I can't guarantee that there's more to YOUR life, because I don't know you.  I just know I hate you.

Ceasars Sportsbook, DraftKings, etc. are normalizing very dangerous behavior.

 

Seems like yesterday that gambling was seen as a serious problem among a tiny sliver of the American populace; something that Bob in Accounting was sadly addicted to and which had ended any chance he had at a stable relationship and which would ultimately result in his dismissal from the firm because he was considered too High Risk to be allowed around company money.  It was one of those Shameful Issues you whispered about at family reunions along with another member's alcohol problem or chronic philandering.  It was something the More Odd people you knew did from time to time during trips to Las Vegas, a place you had no real interest in going to because pretty much the only thing to do there was risk your hard-earned money spinning wheels, rolling dice and pulling levers while being assaulted by endless blinking lights, clanging bells and sirens, sirens, sirens. 

All of a sudden, gambling is mainstream, fun and easy.  You can do it from your laptop or your phone.  You can bet on every play in every game and you don't have to feel all dirty inside because you called a bookie.  You can use a credit card so there's no fear of someone showing up to break your legs when you lose and are short on cash.  And best of all, pretty much every sports "hero" you've ever liked is on television telling you how awesome it all is- look, it's the Manning brothers!  Everyone loves the Manning brothers!

These bloodsuckers just-for-entertainment gambling sites even use the favorite strategy of every successful drug dealer ever, giving out free samples to get you hooked.  What's not to like?  Well, I mean, other than the gambling addiction which must by definition leave the vast majority of Users poorer- but hey, that's why there's that tiny disclaimer with the 800 number about dealing with that gambling addiction that you can almost read if you freeze the screen and squint really, really hard. 

And if ads glamorizing gambling weren't enough, well, entire NFL pregame shows are dedicated to showing you how easy it is to "beat the system" if you just invest more of your time in devouring stats which by the way are sponsored by those gambling sites.  Yeah, nothing socially isolating about any of this.  Personally, I think I'd rather have someone in my family addicted to cigarettes or painkillers than getting into this time-and-wallet vampire crap.  

The market is down again, which means 401(k)s are down again.  When the economy sinks, three industries soar:  Dollar Stores, Pawn Shops, and Gambling.  Use of only one is designated an addiction.  This is not going to end well for anybody. 

Pizza Hut's "Detroit Style Pizza"- no, I don't get it

 

What exactly is "Detroit Style" pizza?  Judging from what I see in this ad, I get the idea that "Detroit Style" refers to the idea that the two assclowns on screen actually live in the Detroit suburbs and were able to buy their suburban McMansions for pennies on the dollar because the auto manufacturing-dependent economy has collapsed around them.  I see them toasting their ability to take advantage of a slow-motion financial disaster with their crappy pizza, kind of a "we purchased someone else's American dream with change we found in our couches, and now we're just here guarding our new property until we can flip it" opportunism.

I also see two people so obsessed with this garbage "pizza" that they can't even get back into their misbegotten property before opening the boxes and grabbing a slice.  This is called "addiction" and both of them need serious help, fast.  Or maybe they just feel like being addicts is all part of the "Detroit Style" and they think that sugar, fat and carbs make a slightly healthier fix than meth?

Why is Kevin Hart on every commercial now?

 

If I ever find myself at the same table as a multi-millionaire, I'm not going to push back when he offers to pick up my tab.  I am, however, going to wonder why he's telling me about getting three percent back on his purchases on his credit card.  I mean, he's a multi-millionaire.  Come on. 

That being said, is this guy so popular that he deserves endorsement contracts from every company that purchases advertisement space on television?  At this point, he's more ubiquitous than Pat Mahomes and Peyton Manning combined.  I don't think I see Samuel L Jackson yelling about what's in my wallet as often as I see this idiot doing his best Stepin Fetchit impersonation while selling whatever he's selling.  No accounting for taste, I guess...

What passes as Progressive these days...

 

I don't know why the guy even bothered to argue.  If you didn't know that this ad would end with the woman being proven right, you haven't watched tv since the 1960s.  Women= Smart, Men= So Dumb they'd probably cut themselves on Jell-O if they didn't manage to get themselves married to one of those Smart Women has been the rule on TV commercials since I was around ten years old.  I guess it's payback for a decade or so of "Women=Frivolous, Silly Little Girls Who do nothing but burn dinner, make awful coffee, put dents in the car and bounce checks*" ads that dominated tv until this 180 degree turn made on the theory that two wrongs make a right.

*ask your parents what those are, kids. 

Some dark thoughts concerning this Miller Lite "signs" commercial

 

1.  Why do I get the idea that the guy who wants to buy beer has absolutely nothing going on in his life, and this beer is just something he needs to get through his miserable existence?  

2.  Why does the guy operating the store care what kind of beer the customer wants to buy?  Does he get a kickback from Miller for every case he sells?  I mean, he's allowed Miller to use 90 percent of the store to advertise it's product, so it's not implausible.  

3.  Why would the customer care about all the signs?  If I walked into a store to buy a Snicker's bar and saw a thousand signs for Milky Ways, it wouldn't make me want to buy a Milky Way instead.  Not even if the guy at the counter gave me a dirty look and reminded me of all the Milky Way signs.  If he pushed the issue, I'd ask him why he was even bothering to sell candy bars that aren't Milky Ways if he was going to cop an attitude every time someone dared to buy something other than a Milky Way. 

4.  Why do I get the idea that the guy operating the store is five minutes away from sticking a gun into his mouth and just ending his own sorry existence?  Seriously, both of these people strike me as being in a really, really bad place.  

5.  "I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base.  Yes, I get it.  Not subtle, and certainly not clever.  And there's no way that song is playing on the speakers- or maybe it is, and that explains the "I want to die" look on the manager's face?

Just another stupid AllState "Mayhem" Commercial....

 

According to YouTube (that's the extent of the research I'm willing to do today) this awful "mayhem" ad campaign is currently in it's twelfth year.   That's a milestone worth celebrating for some of the morons who comment on these ads, but personally I think they've gone from mildly amusing to Just Stop Already Obnoxious and they reached that destination quite some time ago.*

In this ad, some of the very worst child actors I've ever seen pretend to be Distracting Commercials for Birth Control while a harried, exhausted mom who pulled the short straw drives them to Pee Wee Football, that ridiculous joke of a way to spend an afternoon she's at least smart enough to not want to hang around to witness (I went to one of these games once.  There was a play run roughly three times per hour, with at least twenty minutes of delay due to injuries after Every. Single. Play.  An ambulance was called twice.  I am not kidding.  The game ended after two hours which felt like six with the score 0-0.  I can't even remember which nephew I was there to support.)  Because I guess AllState doesn't want to show an accident taking place while there are kids in the car, Exhausted Harried Mom doesn't damage the family SUV until AFTER the distraction has exited.  That this makes zero sense doesn't matter because Mr. Oh So Funny Mayhem Guy gets to do his "you'll have to pay for this if you called The General like most white suburban moms with brand new SUVs do Because That's How Reality Works" schtick. 

All of this makes me miss the looming dark presence of Karl Malden appearing to narrate the end of someone's dream vacation because they lost their wallets and didn't get American Express Traveler's Checks, whatever those are.  But like Pizza Hut commercials, this is just part of the cost of watching football on the weekends, I guess.  

*if you Google "Mayhem Ads" you'll find that someone with no respect for the treasure which is Time has actually compiled a ranking of all of them, from best to worst.  I am not kidding.  Someone did this. 

Pizza Hut: This is going to sound really mean, but it has to be said....

 

So a quick Google search tells me that Pizza Hut's ubiquitous spokeschoad forever draped in sweats that make him look like an exploded pizza delivery box is Craig Robinson.  According to Pizza Hut, Robinson uses his "joyful energy" to pitch diabetes cheap pizza to the masses in an apparently endless series of commercials that run roughly 14,000 times during whatever sporting event the masses happen to be watching this weekend.

Pizza Hut is seriously playing with fire here.  I don't know if Craig Robinson actually eats Pizza Hut pizza (I'm quite sure he isn't obsessed with it, like he is in these ads- seriously, at least Lily from AT&T is actually shown as an EMPLOYEE of AT&T when she gushes about the product she's pitching.)  But his character in these ads does nothing but talk up the virtues of empty carbs, grease, fat and sugar that comes right to his door and is super-easy on his wallet, costing only about a dollar per slice (notice that the price point- and never the quality of the product being pitched- is always the focus of these ads.  It's as if Robinson is willing to do only so much to add cash to that wallet of his.)  We are SUPPOSED to believe that Pizza Hut basically provides 100 percent of his calorie intake.  He's just always ordering, talking up, and eating Pizza Hut pizza.

So, Pizza Hut:  what is your plan if Mr. Robinson keels over from a heart attack, or reveals that he has developed full-blown Type 2 Diabetes, in the near future (like, before this particular ad campaign runs its course?)  What's your strategy for disassociating yourself from his fate?  I mean, you've hired a morbidly obese guy (someone with no taste might find funny, but no one in their right mind wants to look like) to be the face of your franchise.  What happens when all that adipose tissue inevitably creates serious health issues for that face?  You have an exit strategy?  Because every time I see this guy, I'm grateful that I don't own stock in your company.  I know that sounds mean, but it's hard for me to feel particularly sorry for 1.  A guy who HAS to know he's unhealthy making money promoting crap non-food as a cheap alternative to actual nutrition and 2.  A company that is raking in billions in profits peddling Obesity in a Box and would probably offer a free side of cigarettes with every $10 order if it were legal. 

This Volkswagen "Birds" Commercial- WTF did I just watch?

 

So this guy living in a multimillion-dollar home (seriously, why does EVERYONE in commercials live in ridiculous houses like this?) is irritated because he likes birds but never sees them.  Ok, fine- he's one of those weirdos who actually likes these flying droppings factories for some reason.  To each his own.

So he drives out into nature in his Volkswagen to look for birds, which is something he simply would not be able to do if he didn't own his Volkswagen, because no other type of transportation carries one from the suburbs to the countryside.  Does he find birds in nature?  I think it's implied that he does not. Or, at least, he doesn't find enough to suit him because in case you didn't pick it up from the awful treacly song that keeps playing, he likes birds.

So this guy heads off to Home Depot to buy wood and tools and paint and all this expensive stuff so that he can build bird houses and attract birds, which again would be completely impossible if he didn't own a Volkswagen Because Reasons.  He builds his bird houses and finally manages to attract birds that he can spy on to his heart's content.  Birds like Blue Jays, which will scare away every other kind of bird that tries to eat from those bird houses which are only inches from each other which is really stupid but I guess allow this guy to look at several of them with his binoculars which he's using even though the tree is RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HOUSE at the same time I'm so sick of writing about this commercial.

I guess this is all supposed to be cute, but the evidence that the main effect of this commercial is to kill off brain cells is revealed in the comments that follow.  Check it out.  This is about content-free as it gets, folks.  Which fits the commercial itself perfectly, doesn't it?