With FanDuel, you can use your already poor decision-making skills to someone else's advantage!

 

Or You're already dangerously stupid - why not use that quality to rid your wallet of excess money by downloading the FanDuel app?

I've already posted about how much I hate this phenomenon of advertising impulse gambling like it's some kind of fun activity you'd be involved in already if you weren't such a stick in the mud and not an addiction-creating, finances-endangering disaster waiting to happen.  We've devolved so far from condemning gambling that we now have sites like FanDuel and DraftKings sponsoring pregame shows.  In a few short decades we've gone from "drink this soda or you're a loser" to "drink this beer or you're a loser" to "drink this hard liquor or you're a loser" to "bet on everything imaginable or you're a loser," and I don't call this "progress."  I call it pathetic and sad and more than a little scary. 

I don't see this as innocent fun, especially but not exclusively because we are living in a time of stretched paychecks and flatlined 401(k)s.  I see this horror as a gold mine for a few manipulative greedy scumbags who are too lazy to rip off the desperate the old-fashioned way- by opening a Check Cashing Service or offering Payday Loans or running a Rent-a-Center or pawn shop.  I think these people would be offering free samples of crack* if it weren't for all these annoying laws.  And who is going to pay for all this?  The idiots who don't realize that gambling is as addictive as alcohol and sugar- which will also be heavily promoted in between ads for gambling sites.  Good luck to the rest of us, and get ready for a wave of "I lost my family and my house because of my new drug addiction" stories.  

*please note that ALL of these gambling sites offer their own versions of "free samples" these days. 

Dr. Pepper's Fansville Commercials are the epitome of Lazy-Stupid

 

It's such a simple concept:  there are people out there who never really left college in their hearts.  College was the peak experience of their lives, maybe because it's when they found their significant other or it's just when they were at their healthiest and most fit and (because they had the rights of adulthood but not yet the responsibilities) simply the Best Time They Would Ever Have.  I get it.  I really do understand the concept.

So- the concept goes- let's just create an imaginary community entirely populated by these people who insist on living largely in the past, pretending that they are still in school despite the wrinkles and gray hairs and full-time jobs and mortgages.  Despite all that lame "adult" stuff the only thing that matters to these people is The Big Game coming up between Alma Mater University and The Other Guys.  These people go around dressed in school colors and even paint their faces just like they did (or think they remember doing) when they were actual students at that school which I presume they live down the street from because that's where their hearts are and they can't bear to be too far away.  How they go about their lives between January and August, when their team is not playing, is a mystery we're not supposed to think too hard upon.  It would be like asking what the people of those entirely Christmas-themed towns in Hallmark Movies do between January and November.  Better to leave such queries to ourselves.

But like all advertising concepts, this one had a shelf life and like way too many, that shelf life has been ignored so what we have pounding at us from our televisions every weekend is stale and monotonous at best, We Get It Move On Now obnoxious at worst.  I don't want to meet anyone who likes these Fansville commercials because their limited supply of amusing ran out somewhere around 2019.  Also, all this dramatic fuss is over a soda.  A soda that tastes like cough medicine.  I mean, come on.  It's not even beer.  It's SODA.  That stuff you never touched when you were in college because YOU WERE IN COLLEGE.  Are we supposed to believe that one of the things that the Fans of Fansville most fondly remember about their halcyon days in the hallowed halls of AMU was drinking DOCTOR PEPPER?  So they had no social life at all back in college- and, judging from at least one "episode" of this long-running series which includes loony mom and dad sending their kid off to college with a 12-pack of the stuff- they don't want their offspring to have one either?

Can Someone please explain the mentality of the people in this Kohler Commercial?

 

In the fall of 2005 my parents in Vermont lost power for three days as a result of a freak blizzard.  The following year they invested in a generator.  On the rare occasions it's been put to use, it powers about one-third of the house- it keeps the heat going, along with the electricity in the kitchen and....that's about it.  And that's plenty because hey, it's for emergencies.

So someone explain to me why the people in this ad responded to losing power and having to switch to their EMERGENCY GENERATOR by USING AS MUCH ELECTRICITY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE (I'm actually impressed that we don't see at least thirty cell phones being recharged during this massive party going on; was that scene just cut from the final version because someone said "maybe that's a bit much?")  The drain that these idiots are putting on that generator is almost frightening- if they'll suck up this much juice when they are using their own gas to generate it, how do they behave when connected to the grid?  It's like they are worried that people ten blocks away won't notice that they have power.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?

A Dollop of Dumb

 

1.  "Adding fat makes stuff tastes better."  Wow, what a revolutionary concept.

2.  Yes, that woman is eating strawberries with sour cream, something that no human being on Earth has ever done or will ever do.  Just because it's white and creamy doesn't make it whipped cream, lady.  That's just gross. 

3.  Yes, this really is a commercial for a brand of sour cream.  Because Americans just don't get enough junk into their arteries already, I guess.  So let's encourage everyone to drop several tablespoons of milk fermented with bacteria on to EVERYTHING, including strawberries.  That will be a big help. 

That Extra-Creepy Gum Ad where the dolls are not the creepy part.

 

Yeaahhhh....if you're a 28-year old guy who likes to sit on beds with 12-year old girls,* I don't have a lot of sympathy for your feelings of discomfort.  If I were you (and I thank my non-existent god that I am NOT) I'd be checking the closet for Chris Hansen.  

*12-year old girls channeling Damien Thorne, yet.  Seriously, what the hell is with this chick?  If I were this guy I'd start to wonder if I had fallen into a Get Out type of situation.  She looks like she's going to do her best to drag him into her basement so he can be ritually sacrificed to her personal Cat Demon. 

The Ultimate in First-World Problems, and a case of Foolish Economy

Check out this article from CNN published today:  https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/disney-price-hikes-visitor-demand/index.html.  It opens with the sad, sad story of an adult woman who decided to fly to Southern Florida to go to Disney World but then, when she found that the entrance price had increased by "forty or fifty dollars" (which one?  Why the estimate rather than an actual price? Does it fluctuate?) made the decision to "cut her trip by a day."  

What the actual heck?  This woman spent god knows how much money to fly across the country to visit some stupid theme park but decided she needed to save $50 by only going to that park for a day instead of her originally-planned two?  This would be like me flying to Paris and then not visiting the Eiffel Tower because the cost of the elevator had risen from $20 to $40.  Or me spending $4000 for a week in Ireland and then not buying a t-shirt because, hey, it's that $20 again.  I mean, is this really the moment I'm going to choose to save some money?

I am not even going to get deeply into the whole "problem" of a theme park in which attendants are constantly assaulted by commercials while waiting in endless lines (and are encouraged to pay extra to get into slightly shorter lines, essentially creating a caste system right there in the park by charging more for the "experience.")  Theme parks are not grocery stores and rides are not food or medication.  If Disney World, Disney Land, Six Flags or Hershey Park become "too expensive," people will stop going, and the prices will come back down.  This is called Capitalism and while I'm not a fan, I do get how it works and how pointless it is to complain about it (and how dumb it is to make the decision to spend a thousand dollars traveling a thousand miles and then deciding it's time to economize over forty or fifty bucks.  What did that stupid woman do with the extra day she had because she didn't go to Disney World?  Did she just fly back home early, or did she stand in the parking lot at Disney World looking through the gates at the exhausted, sweaty People of Means having "fun" in there?) 

And oh, one more thing- Times are Tight.  Millions of people are struggling to pay their grocery bills and rent and other Necessary Expenses.  If a day at Disney World (but not a cross-country flight) seems a bit pricey to you right now, seriously, touch grass.  I don't care about this particular "problem," sorry. 

LeBron, Lilly, and thirty seconds of pointless noise

To answer an all-too-common question in the comment section:  No, LeBron James and Lilly did NOT film this commercial together.  They are never in the same room during their takes.  Not even once.  I mean, that's obvious- but I had to say it anyway, because OMG some of you people are dense.

But more to the point, why was this ad even made?  Oh right, because LeBron James agreed to mouth a few lines in front of a camera which could then be spliced in with everyone's favorite Yesterday's Darling Lilly (seriously, enough already.  Let's move on please.)  And got paid with more money than most of us make in several years for doing it.  The result is a cringe-fest which is hard to watch and even harder to listen to.  And an ad that makes both people extremely punchable.  And making the audience very jealous of the fact that they never had to be in the same room together.  We'd like to avoid this too, but as long as we are addicted to watching sports on the weekend, we are kind of stuck with both of them.

That Taco Bell "apology" commercial with Pete Davidson misses the point.

 

So Taco Bell is "apologizing" for its "complicated" breakfast options- I think they are specifically aiming at some waffle monstrosity that just didn't land well with its audience.  So Pete Davidson is here to let us know that TB is going "back to basics" with something that a bachelor would make in his own kitchen with ingredients he found in the fridge- eggs, sausage and potatoes, all stacked on top of each other and wrapped in bread.  For a very low price, I assume.  I don't know for sure, because I'm pretty sure I've never been to Taco Bell.

To me, this is like Alex Jones apologizing for his vocal fry.  Taco Bell owes us an apology, but not for "overly complicating" breakfast.  Taco Bell owes the country an apology for its generous contribution to our obesity epidemic, something it seems determined instead to continue to feed (no pun intended) with highly-palatable, calorie-dense garbage disguised as a "simple" breakfast.  Promoted by an overrated comedian some of us kind of remember from SNL, maybe.  

Um, thanks for the "apology," Taco Bell.  Insulin is still really expensive though.  

An Extra-Stupid Gum Commercial

 

1.  I've never once had a waiter ask "one bill or separate?"  The waiter just brings the bill.  What the hell kind of vibe did the waiter pick up from this couple that made him think that maybe they were going Dutch Treat?

2.  So the question causes the male on the date to panic.  Why?  What was the conversation about all dinner?  Was it about Toxic Masculinity?  I mean, what could possibly have been the topic of discussion to make this poor shlub react in such a way to a simple (though perplexing in that it comes from the waiter) question?

3.  Poor shlub reacts to the question- and his panic- by jamming a piece of gum in his mouth, to buy time I guess.  Yeah, sorry, buddy, but you've already blown it.  At this point you might as well say "separate checks, please" because you aren't seeing this particular girl again, ever.  Nobody is desperate enough to come back from more of this nonsense.

Learn your lesson, buddy.  Guys pay.  Just pick up the check, and if your date objects, apologize and agree to separate bills- but try to pick up the check first.  This isn't rocket science.  Oh, and save the gum- despite your actions on this night, you aren't twelve years old.  You shouldn't be worrying about your mom smelling alcohol on your breath.  Grow up.  And better luck next time. 

"The Terminal" (2004) and a fantasy sponsored by Burger King

 

Oh sure- in 2004, a hamburger at an airport terminal Burger King cost 74 cents.  Of course it did.  And a full meal including a Whopper, salad, fries and a drink cost what looks like five dollars in quarters- uh huh, sure I totally buy that. 

Come on.  I've been in plenty of airports over the years.  The prices are ridiculously inflated- after all, you're limited in your options, you're traveling, you're either in a hurry or you're stuck waiting for a delayed flight but (like Tom Hanks' character here) you really can't leave to seek cheaper facilities elsewhere.  It's like eating in a sports complex- you take what you can get and you pay what they want to charge.  

This scene exists because Hanks' character had three quarters and Burger King threw money at the producers.  This being the case, it would hardly do to have the cashier turn a very hungry Tom Hanks away because he (obviously) lacked sufficient funds to buy ANYTHING on the menu- that would have been right up there with burning an American Flag.  I mean, this is Forrest Gump and Captain Miller- he fought in Vietnam AND World War II!  And when Hanks' character has five dollars, he's going to go right back there to Burger King where, instead of getting that hamburger and MAYBE a small soda, he's going to be handed what would cost $15 at a typical strip mall Burger King or closer to $25 at an airport terminal BK.  

The only realistic part is that Hanks keeps rushing back to BK several times over the course of the day to ravenously gulp down the garbage they serve up there- because the stuff is highly palatable, hyper-processed, low-nutrient and extremely addictive Nothing that will leave anyone extremely hungry within hours after consuming it.  Hanks being trapped in that terminal for months is kind of a metaphor for the rest of Burger King's customers, except they can't see the walls they've created for themselves with every trip to the Drive-Thru. 

Who- or what- is Orbit afraid of?

 

Notice how interracial couples have basically become the norm in commercials EXCEPT when it comes to Asians?  We've reached the point when I am genuinely surprised to see an all-white or all-black couple, and homosexual couples don't merit the bat of an eye.  But whenever I see an Asian guy in a commercial who is part of a couple, I know the other half of the relationship is going to be an Asian girl.  It never fails. 

Why is that?  Is it the same reason why every blockbuster film includes a Chinese actor (who is always one of the good guys?)  Something to do with a rather large market on the other side of the planet that we must avoid offending with our Crazy Western Sensibilities?  Just a thought. 

The Fox Bet Super 6 Something To Do Before the Next Powerball Drawing Insult

 

A few weeks ago I snarked on the concept of commercials promoting gambling addiction.  Well, here's Fox's NFL programming offering a fix by giving viewers a chance to win a million dollars from everyone's favorite brain-damaged ex-Quarterback It's Ok To Laugh At* He Doesn't Mind It's Basically Been His Job for More than Half his Life. And it's never been entertaining.  

*I can honestly say I've never once laughed at Terry Bradshaw.  Not because I was taught it was rude to laugh at the obviously disabled, but because Terry Bradshaw has never once done or said anything that struck me as remotely funny.  Go figure. 

Taco Bell Knows Americans

 

And what is it that Taco Bell knows about Americans?  That it's all about Quantity, not Quality.  That's why these commercials focus on cost, not taste.  Taco Bell is well aware that its customers will never rave about the actual taste of the "food" they are shoveling into their mouths (the food which is gradually killing them, but yeah keep answering that bell, America.)  What keeps them coming back (besides the addictive nature of the calories they are consuming) is the price.  Taco Bell is all about providing increasingly large amounts of fat, sugar and carbs for the least amount of immediate damage to one's wallet (of course, over time this type of diet is EXTREMELY expensive, because the food is not at all filling and, as pointed out early, very addicting....plus there are the medical bills coming down the road, because seriously, your body can't do this forever....)  Busy, lazy, and/or poor Americans aren't interested in an actual dining experience featuring actual nutrition.  They ARE interested- or, again, ADDICTED TO- fast calories that stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain short-term.  The crash that comes later?  Well, that's just another bell going off telling them to go get more.  Win-win for Taco Bell, Lose-Lose for the rest of us. 

And here's the kicker- the more stressed and economically marginalized the country gets, the better Taco Bell- truly the Dollar Store of fast food- does in blowing past its profit projections.  More stock is sold at a higher price, and the money can be used to make more commercials and draw in more hungry dupes.  Talk about a vicious cycle....

Coca Cola Cringe

 

I have to give a rare Shout Out to one of the YouTube commenters reacting to this garbage- it's the one who posts "Guyssss you keep getting in my shots!  How am I gonna be cringe and unoriginal on tiktok if you won't let me finish?"

Yes, exactly. This girl doesn't need privacy and time to create something of value. She just wants to jump around for a few seconds in the hopes of going viral or whatever the Zoomer Generation calls it. And she's repeatedly thwarted by her idiot family and friends who are just going about their everyday activities- ordering junk "food" to be delivered because preparing meals is something the uncool old fogies did back in the day.

I hope I'm not triggering this girl by suggesting that maybe the universe is trying to tell her something with all of these interruptions- like, put the phone away, put the light away, and go be part of that family you share a house with instead of working so hard to make a fool of yourself in front of the planet. Just a thought. Oh, and skip that huge cup of diabetes your parents purchased for you Because They Love You. They meant well, it's the thought that counts, and if you wait till they leave the room before pouring it down the drain they'll be none the wiser.

I don't see a can anywhere in this Yummy Can Potatoes ad. Just one huge Can't which is a deal-breaker.

 

My goal in life is to someday be as happy about ANYTHING as this woman is about being able to "bake" potatoes in her microwave.  Seriously, now this is a woman who set the bar very, very low and is better off because she did. 

I notice that the word "crisp" is not heard anywhere in this ad, and if this thing can't produce baked potatoes with crispy skin- and it can't- it's not anything I'm interested in.  That gigantic piece of steak they are being served with looks very nice, though.  

And I find it very funny that the last thirty seconds of this ad isn't about the product, but just a few of the amazingly tasty ways that one could prepare potatoes.  Sour cream and chives?  Butter and salt?  Quick, let me write these down!