Verizon's latest stupid ad manages to humiliate two people- one dead, one alive- at the same time.

 

Congratulations, Verizon.  You managed to turn one of the greatest minds of the 20th (and any other) century) into a Wacky Clueless German Scientist ("Kaput?"  Really?) AND an Oscar-nominated actor into a straight man for some ridiculous "actress" I guess I'm supposed to know but haven't a clue.  I know for sure she isn't Paul Giamatti. 

Can someone explain to me what kind of person is convinced to buy ANYTHING through caricatures of famous, respected figures from history?  Am I the only person on the planet who is sick to death of seeing groundbreaking geniuses in the fields of politics (Lincoln, Jefferson, Franklin etc.) and mathematics (Einstein) being used to sell everything from cars to beer by tasteless, shameless corporations?

And by the way- did every big star from Jamie Foxx to Paul Giamatti secretly lose all their money in the crypto crash, or what?  Why are they stooping so low they'd beat a caterpillar in a limbo contest every time I turn on my TV?

Pizza Hut's latest Artery-Melting offering to a society too eager to die

 

Hey look, it turns out that people who are paid to promote Pizza Hut's latest Diabetes Delivery System are willing to eat it in public, go figure. 

I think someone could do a clever version of this ad in which the pretty, slim girl who has inexplicably got herself addicted to highly-processed empty carbs and sugar (which doesn't even taste good) keeps bumping into future versions of herself which are morbidly obese, reliant on scooters, maybe carrying around their own canned oxygen, and are on a pharmacy's worth of drugs in order to control their cholesterol and blood sugar among all of the other problems that started to gather when she first decided to commit suicide in slow motion.  

And as for that clown in the taxi (or maybe I'm being a Boomer here, and it's an Uber)- dude, just stop.  We get it.  All you eat is Pizza Hut products which, because we don't really have Truth in Advertising laws anymore, can be sold as "food" over the airwaves (come to think of it, I don't think the word "food" is ever mentioned in any fast "food" commercial.  Am I wrong about those Truth in Advertising laws?)  You've long since stopped listening to your body which has been begging for mercy for years now.  You live in a country where more than half of the citizens are fat and more than one-third are obese, so you fit (pardon the pun) right in.  You aren't special.  You're just sad. 

The common, but weird, language in this Cymbalta commercial

 

Cymbalta is "not approved for children under the age of 18."  Fortunately for me- maybe- it is approved for children over the age of 18.  If it improves my current conditions, I'll be grateful to one doctor but very, very irritated with another.  Like, these commercials have been running for years.  Why didn't you suggest I try it?

Domino's Shock "Value"

 

1.  No one ordering two carb 'n sugar pies from America's favorite starch bin is going to notice what the delivery monkey is driving.  Nobody who eats this slop gives a damn.  I'm willing to bet that 90 percent of pizza is delivered in the evening hours- and nobody is peering into the dark street to see what Delivery Boy is driving.  Nobody.  Cares.

2.  If you regularly order two $6.99 "pizzas" from your nearest franchised pig trough, you might indeed be in for a shock.  It's called a heart attack.  And of all the tragedies in the world, I'm trying to imagine one more pointless than a heart attack brought on by cheap processed Fat in a Box.  Nothing is coming to mind.  

What did I just watch?

 https://www.amazon.com/vdp/c367cf350aa24f5b8ffd8e271f859c7c

As near as I can tell, this guy gets an alarm on his phone that he was supposed to meet some girl for coffee.  For a few seconds, he seems to be in a big hurry to make this date- he showers, he scarfs down cereal (seems to me that he could just grab something at the coffee shop, but that's just me...)  But then he just f--ks around with his phone, doing pretty much everything EXCEPT head off to meet with this girl*, and in the end he's just driving around....I'm sorry, but what the actual hell?

*he was supposed to meet Sarah at 9 AM.  But when he's in the car, his Directions App (or Garmin, or whatever the hell he's using) says his estimated time of arrival is FOUR PM.  So he (briefly) rushed through a shower and breakfast in order to....be SEVEN HOURS LATE for his meetup with Sarah?  Considering that she asked where you were shortly after 9 AM, I kind of doubt she's going to be there when you finally do show up, buddy.  But seriously, what's going on here?  What is this ad FOR?  

This insane iPhone ad with the entitled mom

 

Someone do me a favor and stick a foot out in front of Mrs. I'm The Only Person on the Planet (known on the interwebs simply as "Karen") as I suspect that's the only way to let her know that she is, in fact, NOT the only person on the planet.  What's with the insane look on her face?  Is that supposed to be "determination?"  Because it looks more like "Get out of the way, I don't give a damn about you" to me. 

Until that happens, I actually have only one question about this ad:  Is this what owning an iPhone does to a person, or does the only type of person who would own an iPhone is also the type who doesn't give a damn if she stampedes people to get a perfect shot?

The Mannings, Caesars Sportsbook, and whatever the hell this is supposed to be....

 

This is one of those commercials that make one eternally grateful for the mute button.  Seriously, I never get more than three seconds in before I hit that precious feature of my remote, and man is this commercial weird when it's watched in blessed silence.  

That said- what the hell is the matter with the Mannings?  I'm already immune to what I'm told is their "charms"- I got through about five minutes of the insufferable, pointless blather they provide on ESPN's Monday Night Football coverage before hitting that aforementioned precious, precious mute button.  Monday Night Football with the Peytons should be used to extract information from suspected terrorists at Gitmo.  Do these two idiots have any shame at all?  I know they are addicted to attention, but do they really need what must be an insignificant amount of money being tossed at them by Caesar's Sportsbook to promote a serious addiction?  

Whatever is happening before the Mannings start what I'm sure is hi-LARIOUS commentary in this particular ad, I really don't want to know.  Maybe it's the Boomer in me, but I'm sure I couldn't appreciate it even if I listened.  But without sound, it just looks supremely stupid, bizarre, and frankly offensive.  Not as offensive as the onslaught of commercials hyping the "excitement" of gambling- I don't think anything reaches that level- but pretty damned close.  Sometimes I'm glad I'm old.  

So USAA is basically an American version of the House of Lords?

 

The woman in this ad has a USAA Credit Union membership because her father served in the armed forces, and he "passed his membership down to her."  So neither she, nor her husband, has any connection at all to the armed forces.  And she tells Gronk that she's going to "pass it down" to her daughter when she's old enough to have an account.  That means that in 20 years or so USAA Credit Union will have at least one member who not only doesn't serve in the armed forces, but maybe never even MET anyone who ever served in the armed forces.  Was that the original intent?

I went to High School with someone who served - and continues to serve- in the armed forces.  To my mind, that makes me at least as adjacent to military service as that little girl.  Why can't I apply for a USAA account?  

Free Style Libre's "Challenge of Finger sticks" ad is just ridiculous.

 

Every day, hundreds of thousands of elderly people all over the United States take their blood sugar measurements using finger stick devices, sometimes more than once a day, and I'm guessing without a complaint 99 percent of the time.  My father had his blood sugar tested twice a day for the last several years before he passed.  He never complained, even when we screwed up and were unable to get a reading and had to pop that needle into his finger again.  And, sometimes, Again. 

This guy has tats all up and down his arms, but "finger sticks are a real challenge?"  What the hell?  Talk about Selective Sensitivity.  Some idiot in a dirty tattoo parlor can work a needle and ink into his skin for hours, but he finds it a "challenge" to prick his finger with a tiny pin?  Seriously, buddy, put your Big Boy pants on and man up.  This is a First World Problem if ever I saw one.

New Year's Resolution: Take on a Fun, Glamorous Addiction that will shred your savings!

I only watched enough of this horror to note that Jamie Foxx, hyped at the "opportunity" to place a bet on a basketball game, is frantically looking for some insider information before doing so- something that virtually none of the potential customers of this electronic drug have any chance of doing themselves.  

I used to wonder how much money was waved in front of people to act like total morons on television in showing the world "what they would do for a Klondike bar."  Now we've got multi-millionaire Oscar winners picking up a few extra bucks- and, I think more significantly, screen time- peddling an addiction that has, not at all mysteriously, exploded into an epidemic at exactly the same time that the economy took the double hits of COVID unemployment followed by a spike in the cost of living. 

Now I feel badly that I ever criticized those attention vampires, just like I feel less animosity toward celebrities who hawk Rent a Center and junk car and home "warranties."  That's nothing compared to what people like Foxx are doing- presenting as glamorous and exciting the opportunity to risk money on sporting events, hyping that rush of dopamine that comes with taking that risk, and never, EVER mentioning the financial consequences of losing the bet.  That's saved for the very small print on the bottom of the screen along with the "if you need help, here's the toll free number to get you the help you need because we sucked you in."  How very, very thoughtful. 

I'm going to start my New Year's by staying away from addictive products with one exception.  I'm going to continue to not indulge in sugar and alcohol.  But don't bother me about coffee.  I like coffee.  I can quit any time I want to, it doesn't negatively impact my personality so LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT COFFEE!