One Shining Moment Cringe, this time compliments of AT&T

 

The "One Shining Moment" song is so played, it's become the second biggest irritant of the tournament.  A nice, uplifting, catchy little tune in 1987, it's been beaten to death each March and to tell you the truth, it doesn't age well and it's actually kind of an annoyance, especially when the people on tv sing it as if the song has exactly three words.

The BIGGEST irritant is commercials featuring people who obviously couldn't give one fat rat ass's damn about college basketball except when it's time to appear in a tie-in ad.*  Like, get lost Lilly, and take your poser friends with you.  Your charm wore out at least five years ago.  Why are you still around?  Oh, right- because concepts must be beaten to death and burned to the ground, and then their ashes must be beaten to death. 

*I'd really like to know which college Lilly is giving a fist-pump for, considering her Alma Mater didn't come anywhere close to making the NCAA Tournament this year, and in fact hasn't earned a seeding since 2019....

Endurance is what you'll need if you ever deal with these Scammers

 

99 times out of 100, the "Check Engine" light means that, according to the Odometer, it's "time" to get your oil changed.  This doesn't mean that your oil needs to be changed, just that your car has a little device which turns on the "check engine" light every 3000 miles.  The device is reset by the guy with the eighth-grade education at Jiffy Lube who is already angry at you because you didn't fall for the "full service package" which includes transmission flushes and overpriced windshield wipers and blinker light fluid and a new air filter Because Look How Dirty Yours Is.  

If you aren't in the mood to hand Jiffy Lube five hundred dollars when you just went in for their $39 oil change which has never ever cost anyone only $39, here's another way to throw away your money- buy "warranty" coverage from scummy scammers like Auto Shield or this Endurance place.  Pretty much the only honest part of this commercial is when they tell you that there will be "no checks in the mail"- yeah, I'm sure anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to get suckered in by your pitches knows this already.  All of the checks go in one direction for these grifters- from your account to theirs. 

All covered repairs will be covered by their coverage, they promise with complete honesty.  What repairs are covered?  They'll let you know when you need them, at which point the answer will be Not That One.  100 times out of 100, you are far better off just creating a rainy day fund to deal with car repairs.  Stay away from these clowns.  And Jiffy Lube, unless you go in with the steely resolve to insist on an Oil Change and nothing but an Oil Change No I Don't Need My Tires Rotated or Re-Aligned Thank You Very Much Mr. Works On Commission and that's Not My Problem.

Engaging with the Gecko/Geico Fantasy Universe for a Moment....

 

So the Geico Gecko is having a yard sale, but it looks as though he's just holding the sale as a way to draw more customers to the services offered by his employer, Geico Insurance.  He's able to do this because a young couple admiring a tiny piece of furniture chirpily comment that they own a new home.  I've been to enough yard sales to know that mentioning how a particular piece of junk would look good in a New Home I Just Bought will naturally bring a sales pitch for homeowner's insurance, so this is super-realistic even if it does include a CGI lizard with an Australian Accent.

Also seems to me that if a tiny rocking chair would be "perfect" for their new home, pretty much everything else being sold by this lizard would also look perfect, because this particular couple intends to decorate their home with tiny furnishings.  To each his own, I guess.  I must say they were quite lucky to stumble into this particular yard sale;  in my previously mentioned extensive lawn sale experience, I've rarely found such a large collection of miniatures as this one has.  Aren't a whole lot of CGI Geckos out there holding yard sales?

Here's a universal rule about these sales, though:  The item is not for sale because it's on the lawn, it's on sale if the owner says it is.  The tables the items are on are also on the lawn; doesn't mean they are for sale.  The stupid talking lizard and the couple themselves are on the lawn; probably neither are for sale.  Don't think you're going to call a cop and an attorney even if a tagged item is withdrawn from sale.  These people are throwing weight around they simply don't have.  Why am I overthinking this?  Shut up, that's why. 

QuickIdea: GET A JOB!

 

"When I started my (insert ego fantasy here) company, I thought it would be fun.  I mean, I'd be a boss and wouldn't answer to anyone and I'd order other people around and my name would be on the front of the building and I'd be able to show the world how I was much, much better than those losers who go out and work a 9-to-5 job for someone else, the losers!"

"Then I realized that owning a business involved numbers and accounts and employees and insurance and salespeople and vendors and customers who didn't constantly kiss my butt or thank me for reinvigorating the local economy and all that stuff and it turned into a big headache."

"So I was faced with a serious choice:  either go out and get a real job like an actual adult and admit that nobody gives a damn about (insert ego trip here,) or get Quickbooks and be able to pretend I'm Super Special and waaaaay too good for one of those Job things for a few more months before reality hits me in the face like a frozen halibut and I have to face the reality that...well, I think I made that pretty clear at the beginning of this paragraph, didn't I?"

Just don't confuse "Permission" with "Forgiveness"

I give the cops permission to pull this guy over for being a complete and total douchenozzle and use all the pepper spray and electrodes available to put him on the pavement for recklessly crashing through the barrier because he "forgot to get his ticket validated."

I give the poor guy at the booth permission to take this guy's cellphone and just toss it on the road behind the car for wasting his time and making him consume both gas fumes and the sound of the driver's voice; I honestly don't know which one is more noxious or headache-inducing. 

I give the driver in the car behind them permission to run over the phone that is now on the road in front of him.  And then to back up and run over it again.  

I forgive absolutely no one associated with the making of this travesty. 

Coke Zero's Contribution to an old commercial trope.

 

Does this Coke Zero commercial seem familiar to you?  It should, because it uses the same "duel for the last item" bit that has been a staple of tv ads since "Leggo My Eggo" polluted the screen more than forty years ago.  That Eggo commercial never made the slightest sense, as the nasty frozen waffle thing popping out of the toaster clearly belonged to whoever put it in the damn toaster- I mean, that was obvious when I was ten years old, it's obvious now.  

This one makes a LITTLE more sense, because that Coke Zero is sitting in a convenience store cooler (I know that if I want to increase my chances of bumping into famous people, I hang out at convenience stores) and does not yet belong to anyone.  What DOESN'T make sense is that it's sitting on a shelf and not one of those sliding things that Every Actual Convenience Store on the Planet uses (there's another Coke Zero ad that shows bottles just sitting on a similar shelf- again, this doesn't happen either.)  What also doesn't make any sense is that these people are fighting over the last can (shaking it up in the process) while I'd just let the other person take it- I mean, if this is a typical convenience store, it's main clientele (other than mega-rich retired sports superstars) are rather sketchy types who have probably put their fingerprints all over that can and put it back in favor of another can...sorry, but there's usually a REASON why there's one left of any particular item.  I'm not taking the last doughnut, I'm not taking the last bag of chips, I'm not taking the last can of a particular brand of soda.  It's been rejected too many times. 

Plus, it's Coke Zero for Chrissakes.  It's not that special.  And it's probably available from the freaking soda fountain anyway.  This commercial makes my brain hurt. 

Taco Bell's "The Hang" commercial is just an annoying 20 seconds of Dumb.

 

"The hang."  Because Taco Bell is down with the young people, yo. 

I'm going to set aside the fact that this commercial gave me a headache the one and only time I even tried to watch it.  All of these stupid pictures of people with their "food" (actually, it would be more accurate to say they are pictures of food, with people in the background) acting as if this greasy nutrition-deficient garbage is something to celebrate flashing on the screen made me legitimately queasy as well.  Not as queasy as I'd get if I actually tried to ingest any of this cheap heart disease booster, but probably pretty close.

Know what else made me ill?  Scrolling through the comments.  Yeah, that's some...um...."song" you've come up with here, Taco Bell.  It's a real winner- to the glue-sniffing bots who post compliments like these like puppies begging for attention and treats.  So much a winner that they are falling all over themselves to praise it.  Because they have nothing better to do, I guess.  What I don't see is any praise for the junk they sell at Taco Bell.  I wonder why that is. 

Tonya, Mom of 9, is a selfish moron.

 

"Hey kids?  I have an important announcement to make.  As the 42-year old mother of 9, responsible for your care, I have decided to make a major decision concerning my health."

"Yay mom!  We know you can do it!  We are behind you one hundred percent!"

"That's so sweet, and I haven't even told you what I am going to do yet."

"Well, it's no mystery!  We want you to know that we'll pick up the slack no matter how many nights you want to go to the gym, and we are totally on board with tossing out all of the junk snacks we've had in the cupboards and want to eat balanced, healthy meals right along with you!  We're all in this together!"

"Um...no, I'm not talking about weight loss.  I'm talking about getting Botox injections."

"What?  Those really expensive injections that have all kinds of dangerous complications?  You're going to do that to...get rid of a few wrinkles?  But what about all that excess adipose tissue that's pressing up against your heart, is hormonally active, and is opening you up to all kinds of serious health issues that might leave us without a mom?"

"Yes, those injections!  Isn't that exciting?  I'm going to look exactly the same, except younger!  And I'm even going to do an ad for them when I'm done!"

"You know, Weight Watchers hires people to do ads too...so does Planet Fitness..."

"Yep, I'm going to look at least ten years younger!  So exciting!  Finally, I'm doing something for ME!"

Bell & Howell solves another problem we didn't know we had....

 

What I love about all Not Available in Stores products - and they do all have this in common- is that they are all sold with the exact same pitch:  "Here's a minor inconvenience enormous hassle you never knew you had have always suffered with that we have a stupid gimmick miracle cure for!"  

In this case, the "incredible breakthrough technology" is a built-in vacuum cleaner for an electric razor.  Because we've all received tongue-lashings from our Significant Others who insist on standing next to us as we shave, just waiting to jump down our throats as soon as they realize that we aren't catching our facial hair as it falls off our faces (I understand this is the third-leading cause of divorce in the United States, after drug abuse and financial stress.)  And it's always such a hassle to get that hair out of the sink, if only there was a simple way to transport water to such places, I bet that would do the trick (and I'm totally flummoxed by the demonstration of the power of the vacuum razor thing here- why is there hair in the sink to pick up with the vacuum razor?  Either it didn't work properly, or this guy used a REGULAR electric razor to shave, made a mess in the sink, and then just used the vacuum razor device to clean up the hair....a level of Stupid which I believe in the fourth-leading cause of divorce in the United States....I might be wrong about that....)

Third Way "Health" with Garlique.

 

"I have high cholesterol.  I figured I can worry about it, I can do something about it- or I can pretend to do something about it by going down the Holistic BS aisle at my local grocery store and picking up a box of Pretend Medicine like Garlique.

"Since I don't really care about my health, and I have zero respect for 21st century science, I'm going to take Garlique and con myself into thinking I'm doing something of value.  Why I, an educated, middle-class white American with health insurance, is doing something this stupid is like asking why I haven't given my kids the phony Instant Autism Chinese/Hillary/Biden Plandemic Jab and refused to wear a mask in 2020 or 2021.  Why should I?  I have an immune system, sheeple!"

Three Unfounded Rumors about this Kars4Kids commercial

 

1.  That the radio version of this commercial has caused more car accidents than overindulgence in alcohol.

2.  That all of the kids included in this ad were personally donated by their parents, who quickly changed their own last names and moved out of town without leaving any forwarding address.

3.  That 80 percent of the people who call Kars4Kids are disappointed to learn that the exchange does not work both ways. 

The sad truth about 2011's "Moneyball"

 

1.  It's the heartwarming story about how a few statisticians with a dream transformed baseball from a game of inches into a game of computer-generated statistics and analytics-obsessed number crunchers.  In other words, about how two nerds turned the greatest game ever invented into a spreadsheet, leading to more intentional walks, overshifts, and pitch counts than any of us who grew up with baseball in the 20th century care to count.  

2.  It's also the amazing story of how the same two nerds turned a small-market baseball team that used to win World Series into one that could accomplish the amazing task of pretty much never making the playoffs anymore on an even smaller budget using those aforementioned "analytics."  I mean, it's pretty remarkable how far the A's have gone with so little money in the 21st century, isn't it?  Surely their empty trophy case is the envy of every other team in baseball.  Whatever. 

Die Hard 2 Never Made Any Sense!

 

1.  So the plot involves a drug dealing Central American general/gangster/whatever being extradited to the United States, and a terrorist group's plan to rescue him as he arrives at Dulles Airport in Northern Virginia (Washington, DC suburbs.)  Ok- I've seen this film at least a dozen times (I managed a video rental store in DC when it was released on VHS and it was a popular title to show on the store's tv) and I still don't really understand how the bad guys could be so stupid in so many ways.  First, their plan involves seizing control of one of the largest airports in the United States, which in turn involves hiring dozens and dozens of mercenaries who are embedded into American SWAT teams- what kind of long con is this?  Second, the plan is "successful" when they get the general on board a plane and take off from Dulles- but why do they think they are safe at this point?  Why don't they think they'll be forced down by a military jet as soon as they are over open water?  Can someone explain this to me?

2.  The plan gets messed up right away when John McClane asks for I.D. and gets shot at instead.  So if these brilliant terrorist masterminds had just remembered to fake a few airport I.D.'s, the plan would have worked to perfection....so they never imagined that at any point anyone would ask to see I.D's, or figured if anyone did, they'd just open fire....what the hell.....

3.  A major plot point is that a dozen or so jumbo jets are circling Dulles throughout the entire film, unable to land because of weather conditions and Other Reasons.  These jets are running out of fuel as they circle, and ultimately come in - we are told by one pilot- "on fumes."  But why do they spend hours circling Dulles when there are a dozen airports in the vicinity perfectly capable of accommodating jets of that size; locally there's Reagan National and BWI, but let's assume the blizzard is also impacting those airports.  Just up the coast there's Philly JFK and LaGuardia and Newark and Logan.  Off to the west there's Pittsburgh.  To the south there's Charlotte.  Cleveland, Detroit, and Chicago are all closer than the "hours" the planes are pointlessly circling Dulles as they run out of fuel.  There's even Andrews,* which is big enough to handle Air Force 1 so is certainly capable of handling any passenger jet. I mean, this is really dumb- the movie wants us to pretend that if the planes can't land at Dulles, they are going to crash.  

I actually liked this movie better than the first Die Hard film- and it's the last of the Die Hard films I liked at all.  But man it asks the audience to suspend a lot of disbelief, especially if you live in the DC area like I did.  

*speaking of which, why is a general/gangster/drug mastermind entering the United States at a freaking civilian airport in the first place?