I have a theory concerning Everything Pumpkin Spice that appears between roughly September 20 and November 10 every year. And I'm afraid that I'm using the scientific definition of "theory," which means it's absolutely the truth beyond any reasonable doubt, or as close to Truth as you can get outside of a Philosophy Class.
My theory is this: nobody really likes any food item that carries the label "Pumpkin Spice." Instead, we order and consume these items out of some misplaced social obligation. It's autumn, so we are supposed to buy coffee, cakes, donuts with this weird flavoring added which reflects what the time of year is supposed to look like to people who live in about one-fifth of the country. And we are supposed to pretend to enjoy it because, again, it's all about the season and mass hypnosis. But nobody actually enjoys this flavor, as evidenced by the fact that nobody eats anything made out of pumpkin any other time of the year and nobody goes into mourning when Thanksgiving rolls around and no pumpkin spice anythings are to be found anywhere.
Pumpkin spice is, in other words, the Eggnog of the Autumnal Season.
Well, I for one am not buying in. I'll eat a slice of pumpkin pie if it's covered with whipped cream and nobody had the good sense to make a pie out of apples instead. Just to be nice. But I'll barely pretend to like it, and if asked I won't hesitate to wonder out loud where the apple pie is. That being said, nobody is going to convince me to ruin my coffee by adding "pumpkin spice" (is this available on the spice rack at any store? I've never seen it) and I don't care how chilly it gets or how many crunchy leaves are underfoot. I'm taking my stand and I'm not bravely drinking a "spice" I don't want to drink and you can't convince me that you want to either and you can't make me so there.
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