Infinitely Awful

 

Clueless Male Boss calls an employee who is NOT ON THE CLOCK to ask "where are those files," and for some reason Brilliant Fun Female Employee feels compelled to not only answer the phone, but to "isolate" the conversation so that Clueless Male Boss can't hear the horrible antics of the sixteen Cool Friends Being As White As Humanly Possible she's carting around for some reason in her ridiculously oversized LookAtMeMobile.

Personally, I would not have answered the phone at all.  This woman is not at work.  It looks like she and her friends are dressed up for a night on the town.  Obviously the job pays good money, but I don't think it pays enough to make her available 24/7.  But even if I did answer the phone, I wouldn't spend five seconds worrying about the guy on the other hand hearing my friends singing- and this "isolation" feature is 100 percent for the benefit of the person on the other end of the line; it doesn't do a thing to help the driver not hear the apparently-already-drunk idiots in the back while she's trying to hear the call.

Naturally, the files are in Clueless Male Boss's desk, which I guess is a little better than finding out that they are ON his desk or in his left hand; I would not have been even the slightest bit surprised if either were the original punchline before the writers decided to tone it down a bit.  One problem solved, but one problem remains:  I am more than a little concerned that the driver is clearly very eager to be distracted from maneuvering her Infinite Conspicuous Consumption Ego Purchase, be it by turning around to grin at her idiot friends or by taking phone calls from Clueless Male Boss.  Keep your eyes and your brain on the road, stupid woman.  Especially when you are driving a vehicle that looks like it could crush the small village the monthly payments could have fed. 

It was the 8 percent that wasn't detected that killed him, but at least he did it His Way.*

 Look, I get that colonoscopies aren't fun to prep for and we all have much, much better things to do than drink disgusting liquid, sit on the toilet, and then go through a procedure that is really, really nasty if we think about it for more than five seconds and which leaves us exhausted and depressed no matter what the test results are.  But can we please all just get a grip?  Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, the procedure is also 100 percent covered by insurance.  It's extremely important for early screening of colon cancer, and is only necessary once every ten years as long as the test comes up clean.  

(Not that you're going to convince me that this guy doesn't have a primary care provider and plenty of medical insurance.  Give me a break.)

In other words, maybe it's something we shouldn't avoid just because it's a dreadful 72 hours or so out of our lives once a decade.  Maybe it's not something we should cut corners on.  Maybe it's not something that should take a back seat to convenience.  Not to mention- if the test comes back positive, you are advised to get an actual colonoscopy.  Which is exactly the same advice I'd give you if your test came back negative.

I'm not going to clean my own teeth or fill my own cavities.  If I ever decide I want to jump out of an airplane, I'm not going to try to save a few bucks with a gently-used parachute off Facebook Marketplace.  When I go for therapy, I'll go for therapy- and that means, I'm not checking out Better Health because it's more "easy" and "convenient."  And when it comes to cancer screenings, I'm not taking the easy way out with this stupid nonsense.  I think life's too short, but if there's a market for this stuff, that means there's plenty of guys out there who think that life isn't short enough.

*Frank Sinatra died of bladder cancer, by the way.  I wonder how far along it was before it was detected. 

Walmart "Deals of Desire" Ad. It's really a lot less complicated than this

 

Black Friday ads are successful when they convince us that we would be stupid not to take advantage of a "bargain" and will deeply regret not taking advantage of that "bargain" in the allegedly very, very limited time that "bargain" exists.  A truly successful ad will convince us to buy something we didn't even know we wanted and aren't at all sure we need because of the discounted price; if it looks like enough of a "steal," we'll buy it now and figure out whether we want or need it later.  The IMPORTANT thing is to GET it before someone else does and we are left with that heavy blanket of regret that comes with the sense of Lost Opportunity.  These days the cool kids call this Fear of Missing Out, or FOMO.

In short, the psychology of Black Friday is Buy Now, Think Later, and encourages to do something that Capitalism pretty much always encourages us to do- follow our first impulse, which is to consume.  It's just sold to us more aggressively on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  I know people who consider that day to be every bit as much a holiday as that Thursday of food, family and football which serves as Black Friday Eve.  

On Black Friday, it's especially easy to forget an old piece of advice another part of the world:  Two Indian Elephants for a quarter is a good deal, if you have a quarter and you need two Indian Elephants.  Otherwise, not so much.  But I imagine that a whole lot of people will be stocking up on Indian Elephants a few Fridays from now, because impulse buying is the favorite past time of people who can't stop complaining about inflation; square that circle if you can. 

Finally, an honest Gambling App Ad. And another rant.

 

I thought that this was more than worth sharing.

I see a lot of excellent YouTube videos concerning the real dangers of online gambling, and even the best ones miss an important point I'd like to address here.  Pretty much all of them point out that "the House always wins," meaning that the creators of the App aren't in the business of giving away money any more than any for-profit industry is.  Every offer to gamble is going to be carefully calibrated to assure the very best chance for the company to come out a winner.  There are built-in safeguards to prevent too many people from winning on any one bet.  Simply put, the odds are always stacked in favor of the person offering the bet.

But what I don't see any of them point out that every single gambler's momentary win represents a loss for many, many other gamblers.  We really need to realize that when gamblers use these apps to make bets, they aren't really betting against the house at all- they are betting against their fellow addicts.  Of course, you'll never see ads mention this, and I'm sure that most people engaged in online gambling think that they are trying to win money from the guy who created DraftKings or whatever they happen to be using to get their adrenaline fix, and not some anonymous dope who (this time) bet the other way.  In other words, all these companies to do move money around, stripping poor-luck Peter to pay winner-of-the-moment Paul while taking a healthy cut for themselves.  

Oh, and one more thing to all the dopes out there who are even thinking about "getting in on the fun:"  Please note the number of commercials you see for gambling apps during any given sporting event.  Check out how many complete programs are sponsored ENTIRELY by gambling apps.  Then ask yourself, "where does all that ad money come from?"  Here's a hint:  it doesn't come from the people who win bets.  That airtime featuring those pyrotechnics isn't cheap.  Neither are David Ortiz and Jamie Foxx and those other anything-for-a-buck celebrities.  So where are DraftKings, etc. getting all that cash to buy so much time on your television?  Figure it out yet?

Nothing Progressive about these awful Ageist "Don't become your parents" ads

 

None of these terrible commercials have anything to do with insurance and everything to do with poking "harmless" fun at us Silly Old People and our Silly Old People ways.

Look at all the social errors this guy is making in the elevator- first, he assures everyone that there's plenty of room.  As if this wasn't horrible enough, he proceeds to attempt small talk with total strangers instead of staring at his phone Like You're Supposed To and like he would if he wasn't Turning Into His Father.  And to put the cherry on this boorish sundae, he has the actual gall to make eye contact with his fellow passengers instead of doing the only dignified thing left once he's failed to stare at his phone- keep his eyes frozen to the elevator doors while keeping his silly, Oh My God How Old Is This Guy mouth shut. 

Hopefully, his re-education will be a success and he'll stop being affable like a moron born before 1980 or something.  He'll keep that phone fully charged so he has an excuse not to hold the elevator doors open for people who won't notice because unless they are also silly people Old Before Their Time or- even worse- Just Plain Old.  And he will do his best to melt into the background and keep that silly mouth shut as the elevator moves.  Until then he could find himself in regular danger of engaging in conversation, which I think used to be called human contact, which I'm told by television is wrong and bad and something only stupid all-but-in-the-grave weirdos like me see as anything but grotesque. 

By "don't become your parents," this particular ad means don't be friendly or express interest in anyone else.  I have a better idea for the current generation:  maybe take a critical look at what you are being told "not" to do and ask "um, why not, exactly?  Like what I'm doing right now is making a superior world?"  

This iPhone Commercial encourages us to be even more isolated and incapable of conversation

 

This girl with a very punchable face has a rather interesting reaction to making eye contact with someone she recognizes but whose name she cannot remember- she instantly ducks back into the next room.  We can only imagine what that guy is thinking- "hey, there's a girl I have met before- oh, what happened?  She saw me and instantly dived into the next room.  Does she owe me money, or what?"

Because just approaching and saying "hi, I know we met at the Wingate party a few months ago- I'm sorry, but your name isn't popping into my head right now" and just being reminded by an actual carbon-based life form is unthinkable, right?  Makes much more sense to jump out of the scene and consult that electronic device that might as well be surgically attached to your hand.  Never mind that if this guy knows this tech exists, it will take him all of twenty seconds to figure out why you acted like a toddler who touched her hand to a hot stove when you first made eye contact- and it's not just because you have access to this tech.  It's because tech like this has turned you into a literal toddler who can't function without the bells and whistles that come with your iPhone.

This girl's generation is so sad.  

Another non-Progressive Progressive Commercial. This one could even be considered Dangerous.

 

I mean, I don't get this AT ALL.

The first guy is, as near as I can tell, attempting to get rid of a wasp's nest in the dumbest, most ineffective, most potentially dangerous way imaginable:  By waiting for it to become absolutely enormous (seriously, was the homeowner on vacation for a month in the middle of the summer?  How do you miss this?) and then standing on a ladder in the middle of a sunny day and spraying it with a can of Raid or something.   For some reason- I'm guessing Because TV- the wasps are not acting like wasps and attacking him as he sprays it. 

Meanwhile, the guy's wife- who is obviously trying to get rid of him so she be with her boyfriend and cash in the life insurance policy- cheers him on from a safe distance.  Great Life Partner you got there, buddy.

Eventually, hubby decides he can't get rid of the nest and hands the task off to a "backup"- who proceeds to go about dealing with the problem in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.  Seriously.  There is NO difference between their strategies.  The backup isn't removing the wasp nest safely, showing up the first guy as a moron who didn't know what he was doing.  He just picks up where the first guy left off.  What the hell?

Of course, nobody who has actually had to deal with a wasp nest- especially a ridiculous made-for-TV wasp fortress like this one- would ever try to remove it in a way that could lead to serious injury or even death like these idiots are doing.  

If you insist on removing a wasp nest on your own rather than calling a professional, wait until well after sunset when the wasps are dormant or at least far less active.  Spray the nest from a safe distance while wearing thick clothing including gloves and safety goggles.  Then, cut the nest down so it drops into a heavy, sealable garbage bag.   Don't stand on a ladder in the middle of a bright sunny day wearing a t shirt spraying the nest with a weak stream of Raid as if the wasps won't react because home ownership didn't require an IQ test.  Unless you WANT to spend the rest of that bright sunny day in an ER.  Cripes.  I just can't with some of these. 

Uber Eats. Um...what did I just watch here?

 

After suffering through this idiot's internal monologue I was absolutely convinced that he was going to do the most American-on-Television thing imaginable:  he was going to order cooked food and pretend that he had grilled it himself.  Because while that's vastly more expensive than just cooking the food that he was supposed to cook, money has no real meaning in American TV commercials.  Certainly not when compared to Convenience.

But instead, it turns out that the guy was put in charge of the grill and given nothing to....umm, grill.  And yes, I know it's the guy who played Scott Pilgrim in a very forgettable movie that came out more than decade ago and I don't care.  I'm focusing on the fact that he was told to "man the grill" and I guess conjure up food out of the air or something.  

Realizing that he is living in 2024, he whips out his phone and orders groceries- hamburgers and buns, because the host of the party didn't think of buying them himself and also knows it's 2024 and if you find yourself without something these days you just order that something to appear within minutes using an app and your bottomless wallet.  The host's complete thoughtlessness and entitlement is swept under the rug because Scott Pilgrim can drop god knows how much money in a quick purchase and delivery of who-knows-how-many hamburger patties and buns, Carbon Footprint be Damned. 

Then he renders all of his work meaningless- not because he doesn't know the difference between a raw hamburger that is just sitting there and one that is cooking, not because he doesn't know how to turn on the grill or ask for help in doing so, but because he sticks his finger through one of the patties, letting anyone observing know that they should NOT be consuming food that he had anything to do with preparing.  

I'm sorry, but what planet am I living on?  Is this how things are done these days- you go to a party, get on your phone, and start arranging for desperately-trying-to-stay-afloat Delivery Monkeys to bring you food, utensils, cups, napkins, and all that other stuff that we used to shop for and have on hand BEFORE guests began to arrive?  What.  The Actual.  Hell.

And oh, by the way, don't forget to Vote Like Your Whole World Depends On It, because this time it really does. 

The Completely Unnecessary, yet totally expected, line in this stupid Behr Paint Commercial

 

I will give a little tip of the cap to Behr for picking two entirely normal-looking, relatable, unattractive actors to play the couple in this ad.  They are even the same race and of opposite sexes (can we even use the phrase "opposite sex" anymore?  Well, I can.  I'm a boomer.  I can say anything I want.)

But I'm not going to let that "I thought you researched this" line go by.  It's uncalled for- up until the moment it's uttered, this looks for all the world like a project these two decided to plan and carry out together.  But the moment a mistake is pointed out, we the audience must be told that for some reason, it's the guy's fault.  Picking out the best paint was HIS job- obviously, because it was done poorly.  He promised to "research this," and he either didn't "research this" or he researched it badly.  The brushes that were purchased are fine.  The color is fine.  Safe to assume that those were HER responsibility.  The wrong brand of paint was selected.  A mistake was made.  They could have both made that mistake- but this is an American TV Commercial, and that means when a mistake is made, and there's a guy available to hold responsible, that guy is being held responsible. 

There's really zero reason for the line.  They could look at each other and say "we should have researched this" or "we screwed up."  But we all knew that would NOT be the response.  We all knew that this was going to be Doofus Schlub Husband's fault because it's the 21st Century and as a society we still have to pay the price for all those dumb sexist ads of the 1950s, 60s and 70s because eventually a certain number or wrongs will add up to a Right, I guess.

There is zero smart about this commercial, or using Affirm

 

1.  Ridiculously opulent house considering the way the guy in this ad ends up using a Buy Now Pay Later service geared toward people who are living on the margins of financial ruin:*  Check.

2.  Precocious (read: nasty, obnoxious, punchable) little girl bleats criticism and marching orders to her - Uncle, I guess?- about getting the dance right if he's going to be in her Tiktok.  Why he wants to be in her Tiktok I don't know, but all that matters is that we get that awful little kid trope box ticked off.  Check.

3.  Punchline which makes no sense- this guy spent so much time trying to dance with the little girl for her Tiktok video, he has to soak his feet while sitting in a chair he does not yet own, which he has to buy with a Buy Now Pay Later service despite obviously* being able to use a credit card or even cash, and having no hope of actually getting that chair before his feet are no longer swollen from dancing.  Check.

*Or maybe this guy has an opulent house because he is another target demographic for this ad campaign:  People who desperately need to appear to be wealthier than they actually are by buying things that they really can't afford.  Or people who are addicted to the dopamine rush some get by purchasing things- ANY things.  Or just impulse buyers.  This guy could fit into any of those categories, especially the last one- I mean, seriously.  This guy doesn't already own a chair he can sit in while he soaks his feet?  Is he even going to remember why he bought that chair when it shows up?  He'll certainly be reminded every few weeks when those "easy" payments keep getting deducted from his bank account.  

Not smart.  Not smart at all.  

Buffalo Wild Wings. Why, Exactly?

 

One of my favorite memories of the first decade of this century is sitting with my niece and nephew at a Hooter's eating chicken wings while watching the Patriots beat the Colts in a playoff game on their way to another Superbowl win.  Good times.

That being said, there are a few things that would ruin my dining experience at Hooter's or Buffalo Wild Wings, which let's just be honest is trying really really hard to be Hooter's.  One would be a big, clumsy, hairy oaf making a jackass of itself while noisily eating chicken wings and acting as if it's the only creature in the damn bar.  Another would be a winged buffalo reading lines written for a precocious SitCom kid in a voice loud enough to be heard from across the room.

Seriously, ban both these idiots from Buffalo Wild Wings, and maybe I'll stop by.  I'm sure there's something in the health code about the presence of all that dirt and hair.  And I bet the bison is unsanitary, too. 

Wegovy Commercials are hard to snark on...

 

...first, because they are almost self-parody.  I mean, come on- more and more of them show people engaged in reasonably brisk exercise.  If they did that BEFORE taking Wegovy, maybe they could have avoided taking Wegovy.  Just sayin'.

And second, because one of the "possible side effects" to this generation's (year's?) wonder drug is increased heart rate, which is coincidentally a side effect of....oh, never mind.  

The Three Seconds of this Uplift Ad that really set me off

 

It's the first three seconds, which feature a young woman sitting in what looks to be a very substantial apartment or perhaps suburban palace, taking advantage of a Buy Now, Pay Later "service" (this one being Uplift.)  I guess she's using Uplift to buy airline tickets on Southwest.  

This ad reminds me of those commercials featuring young adults buying life insurance from Ethos because "they don't ask any health questions" or Shaquille O'Neal endorsing auto coverage from The General.  Whoever the audience is for Buy Now Pay Later, it's not the woman in this ad.  It's not anyone who lives in a house that looks like that...UNLESS she's attempting an Influencer lifestyle and has tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and owns none of the stuff we see and is hopelessly underwater in her finances.  

If not, this is just ridiculous.  This woman has money.  She has a credit card.  There is ZERO reason for her to be going the "Buy Now, Pay Later" route.  I mean, come on, advertisers.  Who do you think you're fooling?

Better Questions for the Packers fans in this Uber Eats Ad

 

1.  "Ever wonder why we spend all this money on stupid novelty cheese hats and plastic necklaces just so we can sit in a parking lot during the game?"

2.  "Think anyone watching this ad will buy the idea that we wear dumb foam cheese on our heads in order to promote a service that has been around for about one-fifth as long as that tradition?"

3.  "Do you think anyone gets a chill down their backs when they realize that we are the among the only people on Earth standing between Donald Trump and the White House?"

This weird Shingrix Commercial

 

First, I understand that Shingles is an awful disease that way too many adults get because they forget all about getting vaccinated for it; it's that shot you are supposed to get after you reach the age of fifty and who thinks about an entirely different vaccine you get for the first time at that age?  I mean, now that it's not 2020 anymore?

Ok, enough of the serious stuff.  Let's get down to mocking this weird woman who doesn't have shingles because she got the vaccine but who seems to be suffering some kind of "I might have gotten that awful awful illness if I didn't get a shot" post-traumatic stress.  Or she's on the Dramatic Comeback Trail from her bout with shingles.  I really don't know what that pained expression on her face is all about.

Oh wait, here's a possibility:  she stepped on stage for the beginning of her Triumphant Return Tour to find a grand total of five people waiting to hear her sing.  Yeah, that's gotta hurt.  Not as much as shingles, but plenty.

In the end, this Coca Cola Commercial is just a stupid wall of noise...

 

...and the praise being heaped on it in the comments section is entirely the work of bots or corporate simps.  There is simply no way that people actually enjoy watching people scream, take a break to drink a bottle of chemicals, and then go back to screaming.  It's beyond dumb.  It's insulting. 

I mean, for chrissakes.  All this fuss over a bottle of liquid candy with No Sugar but plenty of chemicals that have basically the same impact on your insulin levels as Actual Sugar and God Knows What Other effects on your blood and organs, not to mention the assault on your teeth. 

But shout away For Reasons ( I don't get that either.  I've never once screamed at a sporting event, and I've never appreciated the screaming of others either.  If I'm in a crowd of several tens of thousands of people, the very last thing I want to hear is screaming.  Kind of like the last thing I want to drink is a cold bottle of acesulfame potassium, aspartame, and potassium citrate. 

The Banking Crisis of 2025. Bet on it.

 

(Just don't use a gambling app to do it.  And don't try to convince me that gambling apps aren't related to the Buy Now Pay Later phenomenon.)

Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay, and all of the other Buy Now Pay Later "services" that have been created or will be created in the time it takes to type out this post are working yet another game of hot potato, this time with millions of "small" debts packaged and sold from bank to bank and then from debt collection agency to debt collection agency- because the companies allegedly taking on debt by fronting stupid, financially illiterate consumers the money they need to live beyond their means are not even building their business model on the return of that money plus interest.  You know, like actual banks.  

Instead, this is all about collecting fees.  These companies charge a fee to every business they can talk into accepting their "service" on the theory that the Buy Now, Pay Later option encourages additional spending (a theory that seems to be holding up in fact.)  That fee is collected every time a customer picks the BNPL option.  Then Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay etc. simply sell the debt to someone else, washing their hands of it and walking away with the money.  When the system crashes under a mountain of unpaid and unpayable debt, no problem- their books are clean, and they'll move on to the next scam.

It's so ingenious, it's a wonder it took so long for us to come to this.  I mean, shopping online is in it's third decade already.  Shopping using phone apps is in it's second decade.  I'm guessing this shift from old-fashioned credit card use and Layaway is just another product of the economy?  Or another jewel in the crown of our consumerist I Want It Now I Need It Now I Deserve It Now culture?  

Probably a good guess, considering that credit card companies, which I thought were already the epitome of Buy Now Pay Later Convenience, are getting into the BNPL business by copying the four-easy-payments strategy of Klarna, Affirm, AfterPay, etc.....that's right, the people who brought Buy Now Pay Later to the masses after World War II are now going all-in on...Buy Now, Pay Later.

Whatever the reason, between Buy Now Pay Later and the normalization of gambling, we are headed into the abyss here and the third (or is it fourth?) near-Depression of my lifetime is just around the corner.  Bet on it.  But not with an app.  

That iPhone 16 Commercial that is nothing but Rage Bait

 

Every once in a while I see an ad that I instantly think I should comment on in this blog, only to have second thoughts that go in one of two directions; usually, it's "this is do dumb, it descends into self-parody and is therefore untouchable by me," but sometimes it's "this ad is designed to elicit an angry response, and I'm not falling into that cynical trap."  This ad definitely falls into the second category, but I'm going to briefly comment on it anyway.

The "joke" here is that two alleged adults are going on and on about the features of a phone Mom acquired that day, and two preteens are listening in convinced that they are talking about sex.   Yes, it's weird and uncomfortable and goes on for way too long and as I alluded to earlier it's all designed to get people discussing the ad even if they are telling each other how creepy and inappropriate it all is.  Since I can scroll the YouTube comment section with the best of them I am not going to go into all of that because Congratulations Apple you got people talking, Mission Accomplished.  Instead I'll make one other point that I noticed but nobody else seems to be talking about, maybe because it fits perfectly into Commercial World but not so much into modern reality.

Mom tells her husband that she has something to show him, and it's her new iPhone 16.  He's casually interested in seeing it and the rest of their little talk has to do with it's features (sort of.)  At no point does he ask her why she got a new phone, or how much it costs.  So she just went out and bought a new phone Because She Could?  Was there something wrong with her "old" phone (presumably, the iPhone15?)  The base price of the phone she is showing her husband is $800, and with the features she presumably is showing off it tops out at almost twice as much.  Did we miss a conversation between these two in which a decision was made to spend maybe $1500 on a phone?  

I'm being serious here- Mom is talking about a phone which probably cost more than their washer and drier as if it's just some little novelty she found being sold by a sidewalk vendor that she thought looked cute and decided to snap up for the hell of it.  My very first question would be either "how much did this cost?" or "how long is the contract extension?" or at the very least "what the hell was wrong with that phone you spent a thousand bucks on six months ago?"

Especially in this economy, it's so damn off-putting to see people so casual about buying something that costs more than my rent, especially since we hear nothing about its actual value beyond that it glows if you push a button.  My coffee maker does that too, and it didn't cost an arm and a leg, and I won't be tempted to replace it next year.  Who the hell are these people and why are they so out of touch with the real world?

Point of Personal Privilege concerning the Purple Line

 

Those of us who are pedestrians in the Takoma area have only one real question:  Will the massive headache caused by the snail's-pace "progress" building this thing be worth constantly having to cross streets to account for sidewalk closures and go around intersections shut down for heavy equipment as this project enters it's eighth year?  But as one of those pedestrians I have another question:  Will I ever actually see this thing in operation?  Anyone who has ever followed a Metro project knows that the only thing more certain than the cost being far more than projected is the completion date being as arbitrary as those "Next Train Arriving At...." signs at the stations.  I don't know if I am going to be in the area in 2027, but even if I am I'd bet serious money that date comes and goes and the system isn't up and running Because Something Something COVID Something Something Unforeseen Budget Issues.  Meanwhile the dirt keeps flying and the crews keep standing around and the streets keep getting carved up so that sometime, maybe in the 2030s, things move a bit more smoothly around here.  Someone send me a postcard.

Just CGI out the phones and replace them with wallets, and this Verizon/ iPhone 16 commercial makes a lot more sense

 

In the near future, iPhones will be programmed to simply fly themselves out of your hands or their chargers(there is no third option; iPhones are always in either one place or the other) and to the nearest Apple store, where they will trade themselves in for the latest model.  Six months later, the cycle will repeat.  The phones will have Power of Attorney privileges to sign updated contracts; this will be sold to customers as a Time-Saving Convenience.  Those willing to pay an extra fee will have the new phones fly in and high-five the old ones as they pass, so that not even three seconds go by in which the owners* are deprived of their phones.

In short- this is creepy, weird, and way too real to be entertaining.  

*I'm not sure I'm using "owners" correctly here.  In a Person-iPhone relationship, who is the owner and who is the owned, again?

 

The average monthly car payment in the United States is currently just under $700.  The average American car owner is using almost one-third of his monthly income to make that payment.  The average American car owner is also $6500 in credit card debt and is paying more than $2000 per month in rent or $1200 to a 30-year mortgage.  Use of "buy now, pay later" services is exploding as we are assaulted with appeals to indulge the You Only Live Once lifestyle sold to us 24/7 from all sides.

In other words, being "iconic" is not something that most of us should be concerned about.  Being economically viable, keeping our heads above water, and continuing to tread as we desperately avoid drowning in debt better describes what most of us actual Americans Who Don't Live in TV Commercial Land are dealing with. 

We are approximately six weeks away from the annual onslaught of Lexus December to Remember Ads.  This insult is going to cause more injury as 2024 winds down.  Brace yourselves, my fellow Iconoclasts. 

Affirm is an unfunny joke on dumb consumers that will break the economy

 

...along with Afterpay, Klarna and all the rest of these awful "Buy Now, Pay Later" apps.  Why?  Well, the obvious reason is because they encourage overconsumption and debt.  They do this by offering what are usually interest-free installment payments over a short span of time.  Since consumers already believe that $30 x 6 < $180 because 30 is smaller than 180 DUH, there's no difficulty in convincing them that while they can't afford $180, they can certainly afford $30 six times- heck, that's easy-peasy I have thirty dollars right now (or, at least I will when my next paycheck hits my account.)  There's a reason why the length of the average car contract was four years in the 2000s, five years in the 2010s and is now six years- because the only way you can con people into overbuying for a car they can't afford is to make those monthly payments smaller.

But in the very first sentence, I pointed out that these Buy Now, Pay Later companies offer INTEREST-FREE payment plans, so what's the big deal?  Well, the Big Deal comes in examining how these companies make their money.  They do it by charging merchants high user fees.  And merchants pay these fees because the average user of Buy Now, Pay Later services ends up spending 20 percent more than the person using a credit card or cash.  In other words, the high fees are worth it to the merchant.  And how can the merchants make that money back?  The way they always do-  by raising prices.

See where this is going?  Afterpay, Klarna, Affirm etc. are all contributing to inflation, and not just on impulse items like clothes, shoes, food delivery and jewelry.  They are being used to buy groceries now.  And using them is becoming alarmingly normalized; check out a recent post where a family uses one to pay a TOLL.  

So expect prices to keep going up as stores adjust to customers who Buy Now, Pay Later using one of these fee-sucking, economy-draining services.  Even if you don't use them yourself, * you're going to be paying more because the store has to keep paying for the option.  And ultimately, you're going to be living in a country where everyone is in debt paying off the clutter sitting in their living rooms.

*and you don't use them yourself, right?  You're way too smart for that.  Nobody really wants to party like it's 1929. 

Nothing Progressive About Any of This

 

Hey look, a male in an American TV commercial is being a clueless, destructive idiot while his long-suffering partner looks on with a mixture of encouragement and resignation.   Like pretty much every American TV commercial for the past thirty years.  

In this one, the Predictably Dumb Husband who somehow has a job that pays for this suburban palace and that overpriced truck is just going to keep trying to back into the driveway instead of just going in forward for some reason, and because he's equipped with male genitalia he's going to keep failing until his partner puts an end to it and- sends in a slightly more competent man to do the job.  I'm not sure why backing a truck into a driveway is a specifically male job, but I'm also not sure why American TV commercials insist on "playfully" taking down guys in every ad, but I don't work for an advertising firm so what would I know.  

Plus, I'm just an American guy so what would I know about anything that doesn't involve beer, gambling apps and breaking things anyway.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to do some major damage somewhere while a woman looks on in quiet desperation. 

A few Quick Comments about the latest stupid State Farm Ad

 

1.  "What's going on here" is quickly answered with "he saved so much money bundling his insurance, he combined soccer with football."  But the question could just as easily mean "why are we standing here on the sidelines watching this" or "why are you always hanging around me, don't you have a job to do?"*

2.  "...he invented a new sport called Fruitball...." oh, whatever.  Talk about creating a gigantic glowing banner which reads STATE FARM HAS OFFICIALLY RUN OUT OF IDEAS.  What is the logical connection between saving some money and inventing a new sport?  There is none.  This is beyond Contrived; we need to invent a new word for it.  

*Seriously, though.  When is Pat Mahomes going to tell this guy to stop acting like they are joined at the hip?  Mahomes can't spend as much time with his wife as he does with this unfunny, uninteresting creep.  Shouldn't he be selling policies or denying coverage or something?  Does he actually work for State Farm, or is he just trying to make a living as Mahomes' most persistent stalker?  What the hell is going on here?

Jamie Foxx, MGM Bets, and sincerely offering a Second Chance

 

Don't despair because that touchdown you bet on didn't take place; wait a few moments until it doesn't happen again.  NOW you can despair for the rent, car payment, or medical bills that are going to go into default because you listened to a multi-millionaire who couldn't resist lining his already well-lined pockets just a little more tell you how SuperAwesome gambling is. 

Mr. Fox, I'm prepared to offer you a second chance.  Just give back the dirty money you took to make this and your other Betting Is Good Clean Fun commercials- or, better yet, donate it to Gambler's Anonymous - and issue a public apology for making those ads in the first place.  It won't do anything for the people you've already suckered in to this finances-and-life-destroying addiction, but if it convinces just one person to delete the app from their phone and seek professional help, it would be worth it- don't you think?  Or are you really that infatuated with the almighty dollar?  

The "Troll Toll" is just a cutesy relabeling of the Stupid Tax

 

So Mr. and Mrs. Diversity are cruising along in an SUV which is probably already crushing them in debt when they come across a bridge which requires a toll Because Reasons.  

Naturally, this family doesn't have two nickels to rub together- why would they be carrying money with them as they drive through the woods with two children, after all- but fortunately they've become very used to the concept of Kicking Problems Down The Road with Klarna, Affirm or, in this case, AfterPay.  Because why a small amount now when you can pay that same amount plus a crippling Oops You Missed A Payment Who Could Have Seen That Coming Oh That's Right Everybody later?

And I'm not even going to ask why people who have no money have an SUV and two kids because I've lived in this country long enough to know that deferred desires are just not a thing when compared to Living for Today.  So this family- and tens of thousands of families just like them- are going to keep pretending to be financially stable because they can pay that Stupid Tax---- err, I mean, "Troll Toll."

Those Mucinex Commercials....

 

...are, twelve years later, just stupid, disgusting walls of noise.  

Walls of noise that are just getting more obnoxious as they proceed through their second decade of polluting the airwaves.  And what really makes this annoying?  The fact that this stuff is actually pretty effective.  So why do the makers feel like they need to use this stupid gimmick, let alone use it for a dozen years?

AfterPay-for those of us who love the Stupid Tax and look for shortcuts to Crippling Debt

 

You can even.

Go into stupid debt.

Buying things like.

Food Delivery.

That's right.  

You can pay ridiculous interest fees

On dumb impulse items

Like delivery from Uber Eats and DoorDash

Proving

Once Again

That Americans will never

Stop finding new ways

To burn through money

they don't have.

Rinse.com is disgusting, evil, and all the rest of it

 

I was recently watching a podcast concerning the hidden costs of UberEats and DoorDash- the massive amounts of waste involved in transporting a heavily-packaged meal over any distance because millions of lazy, stupid-with-money asshats can't be bothered prepare food themselves or decided that the line at the drive-thru was too long on their way home from their sedentary jobs.

Rinse.com might even be worse.  Here are two able-bodied women who are about to settle down for a night (day?) of binge-watching some show when one is "interrupted" by the need to "finish her laundry."  Which means, acknowledge a notice on her phone that her laundry has been completed off-site by serfs and is being delivered to her door by other serfs.  Because she's "too busy" to do her own laundry, of course.  

Well, excuse me but what the actual hell?  There's no way that palace doesn't include a state-of-the-art washer and dryer.  You put your laundry in the washer, add soap, and then watch your tv.  You interrupt your viewing for five minutes at some point to move the laundry into the dryer.  You interrupt your viewing an hour later to take the laundry out, and you fold it while watching your show.  

Every other weekend I pack up my dirty laundry in my oversized backpack and pedal to the local laundromat.  Ninety minutes and $4 later my laundry is done for the week and I am on my way back home.  I didn't require a team to pick my clothes up, carry them off someplace in a gas-guzzling vehicle, be and cleaned and returned in another gas-guzzling vehicle packed in plastic and cardboard which will inevitably end up in a landfill.  I'm not a hero.  I just have two hours every two weeks to do this.  You can't tell me that these women can't do laundry while they are watching tv.

The Convenience Culture is getting really, really awful.  We've got prepackaged meals for specialized ovens.  We've got every restaurant, burger joint and 7-11 ready to deliver everything from a four-course meal to a bag of chips to our door at the swipe of a phone.  And now we've got spoiled princesses using a laundry service instead of the perfectly serviceable washer and dryer WE KNOW ARE SITTING IN THIS HOUSE.  

Again- what.  The actual.  Hell.  

Nothing Smart About Klarna

 

"I see something, I buy it."  Yes, exactly.  The fact that you say that to a worldwide audience, with a big smile on your face, doesn't make it any better.  Just sadder.

Klarna, AfterPay, and a dozen other apps make it super-easy to pay a little down and get that impulse buy into your house as quickly as possible, with the monthly installment payments coming later.  If those companies have their way, you'll find this so convenient and easy you won't even notice when your entire paycheck is being vacuumed up by installment payments on stuff you already impulsively purchased because Gosh This App Makes It Seem Like Its Practically Free.  

I'm sure this won't end badly.  After all, what could go wrong with Buy Now Pay Later?  What's good for the 1920s has to be good for the 2020s, right?  And never mind that the average American is already carrying $6500 in credit card debt.  We'll be fine as long as we can keep buying stuff.  

Nothing human about Smartsheet

 

You'll forgive me if I have an instant negative reaction to any commercial that starts with "Hey, Human."

Especially since the last thing I really need in my life is another commercial which accuses the most productive people on the planet of falling short of optimum productivity.  Companies like this- and Indeed, and LinkedIn, etc.- are constantly pushing products to get just one more drop of sweat out of an already exhausted, discouraged workforce by using This Software or This Spreadsheet or This "Connectivity Opportunity" or This App.  

In short, it's Always Something with these companies.  And it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with exploitation.  And it never stops being less gross.  

Coca-Cola's shameless attempt at piggy-backing

Look, it's a delicious burger.  Look how delicious it is!  What a great burger!

Know what would go great with this truly delicious-looking burger?  Some milk.  A milkshake.  A glass of water.  A beer.  

Oh, Coca-Cola.  That would go great with this burger, if you like Coca-Cola.  But if you like Coca-Cola, why do you need to pair it with a delicious-looking burger?  

And if Coca-Cola is so good, why does this commercial sell the burger better than the soda?

Even the YouTube comments get this Indeed Commercial....

 

This girl wants to get out of living with her grandparents, parents and siblings and I don't blame her, but here's a some cold water in the form of that nasty thing called Reality:  The fact that a job opening has been posted on Indeed doesn't mean that there's actually a job available, let alone that this girl is going to get it.

And that kid is hysterical- he sees that the salary is around $100,000 per year and says "you're gonna be a millionaire in ten years!"  Uh, yeah- if there were no such thing as taxes, and there were no such thing as expenses.  If your sister gets that job and actually makes $100,000 a year, invests it well, and gets to live at home for free then MAYBE she'll be a millionaire in ten years.  Otherwise- kid, that is not the way life works . 

Then she gets an interview- and the family acts as if she's already been handed the job.  Like businesses don't make job postings all the time just to gauge the market, and as if companies don't interview all the time just to see who is out there.  It's very possible that there is no actual job at this company.  But if there is, how many people got exactly the same "invite" to interview?  An interview and $3 will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks, young lady.  Be careful- your family acts like they are ready to start spending your money before it's in your hand.

Cripes, what is going on here?  I get the feeling that the concepts of "having a job" and "getting a paycheck" are completely alien to everyone who lives under this roof.  Who is paying for what this family already has?  Whoever it is, I suspect he's going to keep shelling out while the people living on his dime continue to give themselves high-fives over being "invited" to interview.  Major Eyeroll. 

Betting App Commercials are the Epitome of Anything-for-a-buck Celebrity Endorsements

According to the Rutgers Addiction Center, approximately 5 million Americans have a gambling addiction.  According to the same source, only eight percent of those 5 million will ever seek help in breaking the addiction.  The other approximately 4.6 million?  Well, I guess they'll take any comfort they can in the forced, scripted mirth of two multi-millionaires who pretend to also having a gambling problem but for whom in fact gambling is NOT a problem, but an opportunity to add more $$$ to the pile.  

I can't believe I snarked on Joe Namath picking up a quick paycheck from a scammy Not-Medicare insurance company or Ernie Hudson shilling for Not Car Insurance.  At least those guys probably need the money.  

This Allstate "Switch" Commercial is just....weird....

 

I mean, come on.  What is going on here?

If a total stranger sits down next to me while I'm eating an ice cream cone and offers me $574 to trade cones, I can tell you two things:  First, I am not touching the cone the total stranger gave me- never mind HER tossing away MY cone, I'm beating her to it by quickly disposing of the cone she gave ME.  Second, I am not listening to any more of what I'm going to assume is a pitch from a cult or a Multi-Level Marketing scheme until I see my money.  

Unlike this guy, who seems to instantly forget all about that $574 and seems perfectly satisfied to have switched cones with the total stranger who sat down next to him and is now pitching him insurance of some sort.  This guy is a cult member's/Herbalife distributor's wet dream.  He's on board with learning about Allstate and never mind that the person he's getting the pitch from has already proven her unreliability by not producing the $574 promised for the ice cream trade.  

The Wendy's Frosty- for a few extra cents, can I get a damn lid on this thing?

 

I'm seriously creeped out by the lack of lids anywhere in this ad- so even if you buy one of these things at the drive-through window, a lid is not included?  So basically it's dirty before you can take your first sip (getting it all over your mouth, as apparently a straw is not included in that one-dollar price, either....)

"What?  It's ONLY a DOLLAR?  Why am I limiting myself to just ONE A DAY, then?  I mean, sure it's 350 calories for a few slurps of chocolate-flavored chemicals, but it's ONLY A DOLLAR!  Serve them for breakfast too, Wendy's!  I can worry about diabetes later!"

A few quick points concerning this racist "Receipts" YouTube Show....

 

1.  The host, Quincy Brown, says he's also known as "Q Side B Side."  I'm willing to bet real money that he's "also known" that only by himself and a few hangers-on.  Seriously, buddy, I have never heard of you, and after watching barely a minute of this insulting wall of noise I'm quite good with never hearing anything more of you again.

2.  Around the first minute of this program, we realize that this is basically a racist's fever dream.  The way these people act is exactly how racist whites expect black people to act.  So watch this "fun" show, allegedly sponsored by Walmart, and see media images of black people as your grandparents did.  

3.  Do the YouTube Math:

a)  this channel has 3.1 million subscribers.

b)  this particular post has 3.7 million views in the ten months since it was posted.

c)  this channel with 3.1 million subscribers and 3.7 million views has generated 24,000 responses...

d)  and 20 comments.  That's Twenty.  Not even 20k, which would be tiny.  Twenty.  

All of which means that the subscriber number is fake, the views number is fake, and probably the response number is also fake.  Well, at least that restores some of my faith in humanity.  

Meanwhile, Walmart, if you really do have anything to do with this....just, why?  Is it because only 11 percent of your customer base is black, compared to 74% that is white- in other words, you just don't give a damn?  Please, explain.

Move Fansville to a streaming service...

 

...so I don't have to be subjected to the seventh "season" of a long-running "joke" that everyone with two brain cells to rub together stopped finding even remotely amusing at least six years ago. 

In other words, Enough Already.  If there really are people who look forward to these little snippets of dumb, let them pay a subscription fee to watch it and stop interrupting my football viewing with (apparently) endless "dramas" about football-and-crappy-soda-obsessed lunatics living in Stupidville USA.  Hulu, etc. are starting to strip networks of games already- these ads should be part of the package.  

Seems like a necessary post in response to an unnecessary ad

 

...being that it's Labor Day and all....

Yes, you could adopt Paycom and farm out work you are supposed to be doing to your employees (they aren't busy enough doing the work they are already contracted to do, of course.)  OR, you could learn to manage your time and create that magical Work/Life balance that does not mean half-assing your way through either.

Some people see a guy working when he's supposed to be with his family as the kind of Go-Getter who Made This Nation Great, a guy know Knows How To Hustle and has his Nose to the Grindstone and any number of stupid cliche's invented by Capitalism to convince us all that Life IS Work.  I look at people like this and think "disorganized," not to mention "selfish"- seriously, buddy, if you are devoted to your job 24/7, you have no business being married, let alone being a dad. 

Either way, handing off your responsibilities to your employees is no more ethical than handing them off to freelance drones in Pakistani call centers.  Do your own work, or don't- and suffer the consequences.  But get your act together.  Life is too short for this crap.

A good response to the girl in this Capital One Credit Card Commercial ad

 

"What do you do when you're NOT being the Capital One Credit Card guy?"

"Um, I'm a commercial actor.  I act in commercials.  Having answered your inane question, here's one for you: Other than ask commercial actors for selfies, what do you do in your life that is so shallow and meaningless that you feel getting a selfie with a commercial actor and asking about his private life is a worthwhile use of your time?"

Target's "Shark" back-to-school ad is painfully familiar

 

Hey look, it's another Smarmy Kid Lecturing His Parents on what he needs to be Cool for School ad.  I think that makes pretty much all of them. 

I do think that the anger expressed at the little brat is misdirected, however.  Yes, the kid has a very punchable face and his "hey lame parents, let me explain something to you in words even you can understand" condescension is grating, but let's remember that he's just reading lines fed to him by someone else and he's being exploited by his actual parents, who will be taking care of the royalties.  Chances are this kid will have a moment of stardom in his little community that will quickly fade away and we'll never see or hear from him again.  And the money from this ad will not exist by the time he's ready for college and could use it.  Maybe to buy a backpack with sharks on it. 

The pointless single phrase in this Gorilla Glue Ad

So we see a guy having fun with his dog, playing tug-of-war in...um, the living room.  This is really stupid yet so typical of American television ads to watch a grown male with the means of possessing a large suburban home but not enough brain cells to avoid doing something common sense tells us not to do.  Surrounded by expensive furniture, with sunlight streaming in the windows, he's going to play tug-of-war with his dog in the living room because of course he is.

Naturally, the guy falls down and breaks something while doing this stupid thing because again he's a Guy in an American Television Commercial.  And then we get the pointless single phrase- an off-screen "What was that?" female voice because of course this doofus is married to a probably long-suffering woman who is somewhere else in the house trying to hold everything together despite her pathetically dense partner and his tendency to do damage every time she turns her back for fifteen seconds.  We did not need to hear from this woman.  She doesn't actually make an appearance.  The guy quickly uses Gorilla Glue to mend the piece of furniture he broke.  Maybe the message is that he would not have fixed the broken item right away if not prodded by the threatening tone of his female partner?  Maybe his quick action is motivated by sheer terror?  Maybe if that voice didn't pop into the ad we'd be wondering why he was in such a hurry to fix a broken piece of furniture in his own house (there's no woman in my house, so there's literally nothing BUT broken furniture here.  Why would I fix anything- I'm not afraid of anyone pointing out my inability to take three steps without breaking something?)

Now that I've done all of this analysis, I guess the "pointless single phrase" wasn't so pointless.  Watching this ad without sound, it makes perfect sense that this guy is playing with the dog in the living room instead of the lawn- he's a male, which means he's a moron, after all.  But we'd be totally confounded as to why he's so quick to repair the damage he does.  The off-screen female voice puts it all together and makes it all work.  Thanks again, Sexist American Advertising Agencies!

A better answer, and another question, for this Xfinity Commercial

 

Here's my answer to the customer who asks "my tween wants a new* phone, how do I get one without breaking the bank?":  Don't buy your tween a phone at all.   She wants one.  She doesn't need one.  Don't buy the phone, and you've instantly saved an amazing amount of money.  Oh, but you might have to do some parenting, instead.  So I guess you're going to go ahead and buy that phone and deal with the cost any way you can, because the important thing is that a kid under 13 years of age wants a phone.

My better question is "why is this geek wearing a winter hat indoors? And why is he getting a free pass from a woman who needs to spend less time sitting and looking at her phone and more time actually using some of that energy she's been storing?  Why is she snarking that a guy driving a golf cart should "get a helmet for that thing" when the obvious response from the guy should be "why are you wearing shoes, you never seem to use them?"

*note that the tween doesn't want a phone- she wants a NEW phone.  So she's under 13, and she's already had at least one phone that she's "grown out of (doesn't show well for her peer group.")  This is so gross.   Are American families struggling to make ends meet, or are they in "need" of an updated phone for their not-yet-13-freaking-year-old kids?  We can't have it both ways. 

Let's be honest, Sono Bello...

 

....or at least, let's be more honest with our customers than our customers are with themselves.

You're offering a magic bullet/potion to "fix" a problem that took years to create.  Building visceral fat doesn't take as long as building muscle, and it's a hell of a lot easier, but it doesn't happen overnight, either.  Problems that develop over time require solutions that also take time.  I don't care how much money you have, you aren't fixing a lifetime of bad habits with one visit- or a thousand- to Sono Bello.

Once these people have gone through the procedure to remove the excess energy built up over years of overeating and under-moving, what then?  99 percent of them will go right back to the unhealthy habits that made them customers of Sono Bello (and before that, "fad" or "crash" diets) and gain all the weight back.  Social Media is saturated with so-called "Fat Activists" who like to tell us that "99% of diets fail" and "99% of people who lose weight gain it all back within a few years."  It's practically an article of faith.  But it's a perfect example of lying with statistics.  A "diet" is used to lose weight.  If you can't stick with it (and there are approximately 8000 diets out there that will help you lose weight but aren't sustainable) you'll go right back to your old habits and, yes, gain the weight back because such diets aren't a "cure" for the problem of excess weight. 

The key is to use the other definition of "diet:" the food one regularly consumes for energy.  To lose, gain or maintain weight, change your daily diet.  Adding movement helps, but regulating the intake of calories is the key.  You'll get the same results offered by Sono Bello- but you'll also decrease your chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes, Heart Disease, Fatty Liver Disease, multiple types of cancer,  etc.  Sono Bello doesn't offer any of that- just a quick, less painful, more expensive version of a crash diet.  With the same (temporary) results.

Bottom Line:  If Sono Bello was honest with its customers, it would offer a Buy Nine Get the 10th Free punchcard along with the first visit.  Because these happy customers will be back.  Again and again.  Wasting money on a 100 percent unnecessary surgical procedure instead of putting in the hard work of simply changing their diet.  It's sad, but I bet it's really popular.  Magic Pill offers always are.

That Samsung "High Horse" Commercial

 

Right off the bat, I have to deal with two issues:  First, that kid is too old to have her father in the dental office with her at all.  The doctor's "what's with your dad?" probably didn't mean "why is your dad riding a horse" but rather "why is your dad in here instead of the waiting room?  Are you the biggest five year old on the planet, or are the apron strings really that strong in your family?"

Second, one of the comments under this video reads "I don't think they should have squeezed a horse into a small space like that."  Which leaves me very, very concerned that the guy who left that post believes that this is an actual dental office and not a prop-filled sound stage.  Maybe he thinks that's a real dentist and patient, too.  Again, I am very, very concerned.

But as to dad being "on his high horse," I have two more points to make:  First, no one under the age of sixty uses the phrase "on his high horse."  Maybe because not one in 10,000 Americans will never ride a horse, or knows what distinguishes a "high horse" from any other horse, or sees riding a horse as a status symbol (which is where the phrase comes from.)  If you see someone riding a horse today, you either live in the country or in a city that uses mounted police officers.  "Because he's driving his Lexus" would be a good update for a modern audience, but I guess the 80 year old writer of this ad doesn't see it that way.

Second, this balding, fat shlub managed to get himself married to someone who produced at least one child for him- a child who talks like an 18th-century villager but a child nonetheless.  And despite being super-excited about getting "the best deal" on a phone can afford to own at least two very expensive, luxury pets (if he's "riding his high horse," he must have a lower horse he regularly rides, right?  Otherwise it would just be "riding his horse.")  Maybe that's why he's on his high horse?

This Rinvoq commercial hits home*

 

I didn't start off telling myself that my mild rheumatoid arthritis was no big deal.  I have a low tolerance for pain, and I'm too active to want to be slowed down by pain flares. 

So I got several x-rays and two MRIs.  I had sessions with three different physical therapy providers over the course of six years.  I pretty much gave up white sugar when I connected its consumption with severe pain flares.  And I went on Humira.  And I stayed on Humira.  For three years.

I don't think any of this worked; I think that my knee and hip pain has simply become more like the back pain I've experienced since being hit by a drunk driver in 2002- something that is Just There, a minor annoyance.  It doesn't keep me from doing anything.  Does it limit by ability to enjoy movement?  I'm sure it does.  But it doesn't stop me from participating in movement.

Would Rinvoq work for me?  I don't know, because my insurance doesn't cover Rinvoq.  It covered Humira.  Which means it paid out tens of thousands of dollars on a twice-a-month injection that did nothing (I've been off it for more than a year now.  No difference.)  I'll probably never know if Rinvoq would work for me.  Maybe there will be an affordable generic version that my insurance will cover in the future.  We'll see.

*especially today, my 61st birthday.  I feel pretty young today.  Some days I feel very old.  Pretty much depends on how sore I feel from one day to the next.  But I watch my weight, take my cholesterol meds, and my doctor says I have the heart of a 25-year old** so I guess a few aches and pains are no big deal.

**I don't know how he found this out, and until the police get a search warrant, it can't be proven either way.

Sally and Prevagen. Another sad story.

 

What is Sally willing to do for a few seconds of screentime and a few bucks as a "paid spokesperson?" Let us count the ways in which Sally is willing to sell her dignity.

For one, she's willing to use her place of employment as a backdrop for this nonsense.  For another, she's willing to lie about "reading the clinical study" (what study?  Where can we find this study?) and this convincing her to try Prevagen, because "reading the clinical study" sounds better than "was suckered in by a lame commercial."  

She's also willing to give Prevagen credit for what she says is "sharper focus" and "better memory," when it would make as much sense to praise the stone in her shoe considering that there is actually no real evidence that this nonsense does anything at all and isn't just an expensive placebo.

Seems to me that the only real impact Prevagen has on its users is to make them more susceptible to offers to pitch Prevagen for cash.  Maybe a future "clinical study" will reveal that Prevagen is a powerfully effective Dignity Removal Drug, or DRD, which is especially useful to anyone looking to pursue a career on Social Media?

The Evil Genius of LinkedIn Ads (Part II)

 

Apparently, "Being Professional" means nothing more than "having a job" or even simply "being human."  

Hey, guess what?  I can do this without LinkedIn.  Now, how do I go about convincing LinkedIn of this?

But from LinkedIn's point of view, "Being Professional" also means remaining tied to LinkedIn even if you aren't looking for a job or seeking help.  It means getting endless Emails urging you to check out who is looking you up, what everyone else is doing, and in short using a "service" you don't really need and aren't at all interested in using because you're already employed, don't need the ads, or simply Have a Life.  A life in which too much time is spent trying to Unsubscribe from LinkedIn.

Sorry, but I'm not interested in spending several minutes every day Congratulating people I haven't seen or heard from in years for their Anniversary at Their Latest Address That Pays Them.  Call me distant, but I just don't care if someone I worked with, taught, or knew casually twenty years ago posted something about something that has nothing to do with me.  I don't need LinkedIn cluttering my inbox with notices that this or that person has done this or that thing at this or that company.  I'm simply.  Not. Interested.  Because I simply. Don't. Care.

But again- good luck Unsubscribing.  It ain't happening.  The Facebook of Capitalism will never let you go.  So remember this person? They posted an update. Go check it out.  NOW.

Ray Reynolds: Proof that Sirius/XM will take advertising revenue from ANYONE*

 

This guy has been offering very high-interest loans ("usury" is a slur and judgment call, not a legal term- at least, not on the federal level- and state usury laws are ridiculously generous to lenders and hard on borrowers.  Pennsylvania and New Jersey define "usurious" rates at above THIRTY PERCENT.  Nevada has NO LIMITS AT ALL on interest rates for personal loans) for more than a decade, and he's currently polluting the airwaves by claiming that people "better" know him as "The Godfather of Credit."  Which is kind of telling when you remember that "The Godfather" is a term given to the patriarch of a massive criminal cartel.  

Apparently, this guy has been offering desperate/stupid people barely-legal lines of credit in exchange for high interest payments, fees, etc. etc.- fans of Dickens will think The Anglo-Bengalee Disinterested Life Assurance Company in Martin Chuzzlewit.  He's a Lender of Last Resort- when the customer doesn't have anything of value to pawn but still considers himself a budding Small Businessman who just Needs a Break.  

The people who fall into this net will get less than they were promised (in exchange for up-front fees, no doubt) at a rate higher than they were offered over the phone (but not in writing.)  Just like those "warranty companies" that cold-call, it's all about getting access to the CUSTOMER'S bank information or credit card.  The promises made by the company?  If they aren't in writing, they don't exist.  It's why the common denominator for all of these "offers" is that you never get a contract until AFTER you've signed up.  Because that's how business is done legitimately, right?

*to be fair, after twenty years as a subscriber, I hardly needed more evidence that Sirius/XM will provide advertising for any person or company willing to pay for advertising.  Just off the top of my head, here is a list of "companies" I've heard advertised on Sirius/XM since 2004:

Blue Hippo (remember those super-cheap computers with FREE printers people paid $30 a week for but never actually received?

Ronnie Deutsch "Legal Services."

TaxMasters "Legal Services."  I think that guy- who looked suspiciously like Ray Reynolds- ended up doing jail time.  

Ox Car Care and I've Lost Count of How Many Other "Car Warranty Services."

Home Repair "Warranties."

California Psychics.

Any number of "Credit Repair" companies.

Any number of "Get out of your Time Share" offers.

An almost infinite number of "Skip out of your completely legitimate tax debt" offers.

Big Lou and any number of "Term Life Insurance" offers.

Prevagen and other non-medicines.

Headhunter and other payroll and HR "services" geared at convincing small business owners that they need help dealing with Awful Awful Regulation and Evil Evil Unions. 

"Tribute Proofs" pretending to be coins.  

"Start a Computer Career" non-offers to train people for non-jobs.

Etc. etc. etc.  I suspect that more than half of the ads I hear on Sirius/XM are scams.  Hurrah for Free Speech, right?

Because they are on XM Radio all the time....another comment on Ox Car "care" commercials

 

The most unintentionally funny part of the radio ads is when we hear a guy say "my mechanic recommended Ox Car Care."  Why is this line so funny?  

1.  Why would a mechanic recommend any car warranty at all?  Mechanics- like any other provider of services- like to deal directly with customers.  Why would any recommend a middle man?  Do mechanics LIKE additional paperwork?  How is this better than getting handed a credit card by the customer to pay for the repair?

2.  Why would a mechanic recommend OX CAR CARE?  Do mechanics like having to go back to customers to say "sorry, that work I did for you will not be covered by this non-insurance insurance?"  Do they LIKE having repaired cars sitting in their lot?  Do they LIKE not getting paid for work done, unable to pay for parts and labor because a scammy warranty "service" and the customer keep insisting that the other is responsible?  Now imagine being the mechanic who recommended Ox Car Care- how do you then turn around and insist that the customer pay for a repair that is not covered by the COMPANY YOU RECOMMENDED?  

Oh wait, maybe you own a big lot and your real business is charging storage fees?  Maybe this conspiracy is deeper than I thought?

What's so different about these E*TRADE Baby Commercials

 

Most of the commercials I review simply Shouldn't Be.  Because they are dumb and don't actually "sell" anything.  They just waste time and burn brain cells and make us all a little bit more stupid.  Beyond that, they are pretty harmless.  

What's different about these E*TRADE Baby Commercials is not only that they Shouldn't Be, but that they Shouldn't Be Legal.  The children being digitally superimposed over CGI can't consent to the use of their images.  They don't agree to being made laughing stocks for the economic benefit of their parents.  They don't consent to have thoughts they don't have about a subject they can't comprehend be attributed to their images.  In short, they are being exploited.  I'm pretty sure that there's a word for this.

As to the glue-sniffers who enjoy this garbage; I have nothing for you but contempt.  Get a life.  

Wegovy, Ozempic, and now RO- nothing brings out the Boomer in me more than these ads...

 

One shot a week,* plus diet and exercise, and you can lose 20 lbs. in six months.

One stone in the pot, plus water, vegetables, and a little meat, will make a great soup.

One rabbit's foot, plus careful planning and caution, will prevent accidents and bring "good luck."

I could go on.  I don't think I have to. 

*there's something in the small print about the "impact on humans" being "unknown."  I'm assuming it's talked about the drug contained in the once-a-week injection, because the impact of diet and exercise on the body has been well-known for quite some time. 

The LoanMod Hotline is a window to the American Mindset in 2010- and 2024

 

These people aren't afraid of the "F" word, and their hatred of the "F" word is misplaced.

What they fear and hate is the "R" word- Responsibility.  Also the "O" word- Obligation.

They worship the "V" word- Victimhood.  And the "D" word- Deflection.

These people think it's cruel and unfair that they are expected to live up to the terms of signed contracts d to pay a certain amount of money each month for a certain number of years, at the end of which they would own those big beautiful homes that they gladly moved into.  They snap like starving bass at any company that will call them victims of "Predatory Lenders" because sure they were legal adults but that print was really really small and that house looked so nice and all they wanted was to live the American Dream plus they Deserve It Because Reasons.

Having proven themselves easily-manipulated victims of their own gullibility, the LoanMod Hotline looks like a super-attractive way of escaping the legal agreements they freely entered into as a way of keeping the houses they never could really afford.  

Oh, and what is "something that they can afford?"  It's another "R" word - "Rent"- that of course was not good enough for them because They Deserve Better, again Because Reasons.

It never ends with these people, does it?

Another look at this stupid OnDeck Commercial

 

The dystopian universe in which this unassuming donut shop exists includes a small business that is so successful in its sale of a 100 percent unnecessary, at least 90 percent unhealthy product that people are lined up around the block to purchase.  A successful business that nonetheless has zero relationship with an actual bank and has to go to some sketchy online-only loan company to get some extra operating cash. 

A business that is successful despite the fact that it appears to be operated by two total schmucks too cheap to even hire cashiers so they can tend to the more important operations.  Yeah, the co-owners of the company are handling the transfer of goods to the public; sure, that's how it works.  And interrupting the sales to apply for a loan.  Because Brains and Time-Management Skills are not needed in this universe. 

Except for the broken glass and possibly injured customers, its hard to see how OnDeck can beat the "Loan Falcon," which flies in to drop money without even getting a signature on a contract in return.  If the money is right, I'll clean up the glass, and it really doesn't look like anyone got hurt, so no harm done in that regard- I'm picking Loan Falcon to drop free money on me.  Heck, I'll take Loan Falcon over a legitimate BANK loan.  Who wouldn't?  Maybe these two idiots, because they are from the generation that thinks if it isn't provided through the tapping of a screen on a phone or at least a tablet, it's Your Grandfather's loan options and totally lame, yo.