The message of pro-Tiktok Commercials: Small Business Uber Alles!

 

It's actually more than that- without Tiktok, not only might Kathy's Kwirky Kupcakes and all other small businesses cease to exist (after all, they never existed before Tiktok, did they?) but nobody will give to charity anymore.  Hell, nobody will even TALK to each other any more.  The world will fall into chaos if this particular property of the Chinese Communist Party is banned in the United States.  I wouldn't be surprised to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse riding through the sky as cats and dogs marry each other if the ban goes through.

Let's be honest, shall we?  This has nothing to do with small businesses, charitable foundations, or any of that stuff which was doing just fine before this particular brain worm infested American culture starting in the late summer of 2017.  It doesn't even have to do with what Tiktok is primarily used for in my wonderful country- for Main Characters to blather their narcissism to the planet in the desperate hope of being found interesting by another human being for once.  Nope, this investment to convince Americans that Tiktok is a vital part of what they pathetically refer to as their "lives" has to do with our principle economic and military rival's natural right to mine information from the residents of the richest nation on Earth.  

I don't want an American company to have access to my private information, but I'd rather replace the walls of my home with glass than hand over my favorite flavor of ice cream to China, thanks anyway. And all you wannabee Henry Fords and pop stars who think that your selfish interests are more important than privacy- you idiots disgust me to no end.  Grab your passport, pack it away with your self-importance and head for more inviting shores.  Neither you nor your sacred small business will be missed.  

Walmart Plus-Sized Commercial

1.  A Walmart Plus membership (which I didn't even know was a thing) costs $98 per year.  According to the lunatic with a mike, you can get that membership for free and all you have to do is change your cellular service to this other provider.  Is that other provider any good?  How much does IT cost?  We aren't told.  I guess it isn't all that important.

2.  Notice something about all the customers in this ad?  They don't look like anyone I've ever seen at Walmart.  For one thing, they are a lot- um, let's say "paler" than the great majority of Walmart-ers I've noticed.  For another, although none of them look in very good shape, none of them are riding mobility scooters or look like they shop at Walmart to save their money for insulin.  It's kind of depressing that we barely notice that everyone in this ad is fat, because they aren't THAT fat, which means they are- doing well?  

3.  Walmart Plus includes Free Delivery.  Because leaving home is a pain.  Especially when you are focused on the couch and whatever is on that glowing screen you like to watch while shoving carbs and sugar down your cake hole.  Ah, that must be why these people aren't morbidly obese- they don't have Walmart Plus yet and actually have to still get their butts to the store.  Let's check on their blood sugar and fatty liver issues a year after they take advantage of this "great offer" and are doing all of their shopping online like good little zombies. 

Nobody is "alive" in this Xfinity ad

 

Trigger Warning:  Boomer Rant Coming Up!

When I was a kid, any "streaming" involved wading in the local creek.  If I walked through a dark house and saw everyone in my family lying around, it meant that everyone was reading or listening to music.  If everyone was in one room, we were probably watching tv together.  Note that last word- together. 

Now we get "what a time to be alive" from a dead-eyed kid wandering around a house noting that every single person in that house is becoming a potato while staring at their own personal glowing screen.  I'm not at all sure why any of them are in the same room- they certainly aren't interacting.  Hell, they are barely breathing.  Nothing must interfere with the inert consumption of whatever is on those screens.  

For some reason, this commercial is supposed to appeal to the people who pay the bills in houses like this and encourage them to make it possible for their families to "enjoy" a level of "accessibility" offered by the ad.  Because it's an amazing "time to be alive," we should be spending as much of that time splayed out on couches in dark rooms wasting our youth, encouraging our brains and muscles to atrophy.  Truly a triumph of the modern age- not high-speed broadband, but the successful marketing of such a loathsome product.  

Put that junk down and go outside, you ridiculous numpties!

This is weird even for you, McDonald's

 

This commercial is basically admitting that McDonald's French Fries are intentionally engineered to be addictive and binge-promoting, because it's just Good Capitalism to make a food product that triggers a dopamine response and encourages overconsumption.  These fried potato sticks are not satiating; they are oil and air and a little potato with just the right amount of salt and the perfect mouth feel to make the victim customer go back again and again to recreate that pleasurable sensation until the carton is empty- and then, in the best case scenario, go back for more.  

Imagine if this was an ad for whiskey that featured a disembodied voice asking "you people who take a sip, or a single shot, and then call it a night- how do you do that?  Who ARE you?"  Or perhaps a commercial for crack cocaine with the same message- "you tried it once and never went back?  You are so WEIRD!"

Or an ad featuring pressed and shaped potato flakes that used the catchphrase "once you pop, you can't stop."  Oh wait....we already have that....

The weird mixed message in this TurboTax Commercial

 

Marcus is not a "connoisseur of anything free."  He's a hoarder of other people's garbage.  If you throw it away, Marcus will snatch it up.  He doesn't care about quality, he doesn't care about taste, and he doesn't care if what he's picking up off the street is practical or useful.  If it's free, he's going to lug it home and find a place for it amongst the rest of the rubble he's retrieved from every street corner, dumpster or Facebook Marketplace Please Take This Awful Thing Away I Am Moving And Don't Want To Pay To Have It Removed post he can find.  If Marcus can lug it off on foot or jam it into the back of his car, it's gone.  No questions asked.

But Marcus takes this obsession with free junk to his approach to tax preparation services.  I use TurboTax every year, and have since around 2010.  I think it's an easy-to-use program and because I don't own anything and don't have any kids or one of those spouse things I can do my very simple taxes in about an hour using their basic package.  But the "free" edition is free of pretty much everything you want in something as important as a tax filing- you can't e-file, Turbotax will not check or back up the accuracy of your numbers, and no electronic copy will be saved outside of your own computer.  It's basically just a word processing program that allows you to do all the work yourself, including printing copies and mailing them by hand- and hoping your refund doesn't get sent to the wrong address or stolen from your box. 

In other words, the "free" edition is every bit as much trash as that ugly ceramic ice cream cone or fire-hazard ancient lamps or mold-infested recliner Marcus dragged home because he's an ill person.  Is this the message you wanted to send, TurboTax?  "As long as you like free trash, here's some more?"

In short, it's a really bad way to save money.  I put it right up there with using a third-party company to book important plane tickets instead of going through the carrier or regularly flying Stand By- it's a really penny-wise, pound-foolish gamble that I'm not going to take, ever.  It costs me about a hundred bucks every year to do my taxes with TT but I know some program has looked them over, I haven't missed anything, and my past returns are saved forever if the IRS ever decides that because I'm not very wealthy or very poor they better check to make sure I'm paying my fair share.  You get what you pay for, and accurate tax prep, e-filing and direct deposit are worth paying for.  Stop being an idiot, Marcus. 

Pringles. As with all successful illicit drugs, once you pop, you can't stop!

 

As near as I can figure, the guy in this ad is the very last white person on the planet to become acquainted with the artwork on a can of Pringle's.  And he's staring at it wondering if he'd have a shot at winning a settlement in a lawsuit against Kellogg's for Unauthorized Use of Likeness. 

Personally, I'm more perplexed at the popularity of greasy pressed potato and rice flakes and corn starch stacked in an oily can, designed to be eaten quickly (before that anti-Capitalist Full Feeling can catch up to the very pro-Capitalist Dopamine centers of our brains.)  Maybe it's all that salt?  Only the evil chemists who developed this crap know for sure. 

That Stupid Buffalo Wild Wings Commercial is Stupid.

 

All I get out of these Buffalo Wild Wings Commercials is that eating at  Buffalo Wild Wings is a dirty, noisy, unsanitary and uncomfortable experience in which one can expect to get jostled and interrupted while getting fur in one's food and probably getting one's overpriced beer spilled over everywhere because a stupid CGI buffalo is roaming around causing havoc everywhere it goes.

Oh, and that YouTube commentators continue to be the saddest mouth-breathers outside of the average Trump rally. 

This Weird Honey Bunches of Oats Commercial.

 

Yeah, don't just eat oats.  Eat oats drenched in sugar.  I guarantee that if you are the kid who gained fifty pounds of adipose tissue and is on insulin before the Senior Prom, she'll notice you.*  I do NOT guarantee that the attention you get will be positive, however.

Seriously, I've checked out Honey Bunches of Oats.  They taste really, really good.  That's because they are really sweet.  Sugar tastes good, in case you were born on another planet and weren't aware.  It has absolutely zero positive impact on your health, however.  I suggest that this kid finds some other way to get the object of his attraction to notice him that doesn't include taking on crap eating habits.  

*actually, I shouldn't guarantee this.  If this kid goes to a typical American high school, it's entirely possible that morbidly obese kids already on insulin are depressingly common.  

Just a few quick points about this DraftKings Commercial

 

1.  I can't imagine anyone thinking that there's anything funny about watching a multimillionaire go on and on about an addictive gambling app that certainly ruined lives in 2023 and will continue to ruin lives in 2024.

2.  I really, really hope that the posts in the comment section are all bots.  Because this....this is beyond sad.  "I died when I saw this."  "This is a Superbowl ad, this is so funny, screw watching the game..." etc. etc. etc.  If these are actual human beings posting these responses I weep for our nation.  You people need serious help. 

Gentrification.com

 

So an elderly black guy just trying to play chess with himself (I guess) in his neighborhood park finds himself harassed to distraction by some privileged white woman who wants to know if his neighborhood is good enough for her to move into and ruin.  No doubt she wants to know if there's a Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and Starbucks within walking distance, not that she'll ever actually walk to any of them, and if most people in the vicinity are as, um, coffee-colored as he is. 

Eventually she's reminded that she's rich and white and there's this company that is perfectly happy to do all of her searching for her- a company that's going to land a helicopter practically on top of the poor black man she's been condescending to talk to and whisk her away to Just The Right Neighborhood - that is, a neighborhood that has enough minorities to allow her to Virtue Signal but not enough to make her feel nervous as she walks from her BMW to the front door of the Brownstone she got a great deal on because the previous owners got hit hard by Covid and a lack of generational wealth. 

Uber Eats "Solves" a problem nobody has

 

The bottom line to this typically overproduced (it was, after all, a Superbowl ad) idiocy is:  don't forget Uber Eats delivers food so you don't have to get up off the couch except to go answer the door, ever.

Don't worry, Uber Eats.  Americans are well aware that it's never been easier to be immobile.  First there were restaurants.  Then fast-food restaurants.  Then drive-thrus, because who has time/energy to walk into a building these days We Are All So Very Very Busy After All.  We've had pizza delivery for more than fifty years.  And now- with a special boost from that Disease That Shall Not Be Named- we have Door Dash and Uber Eats, so when we "don't feel like" cooking and also "don't feel like" driving to a fast food place and "don't feel like" just going to sleep instead of eating AGAIN and "don't feel like" doing without ANYTHING EVER, we can just swipe an App on our phones (we always feel like doing that) and strip ourselves of even more disposable income by making an impulse purchase of empty calories so we don't get distracted from Netflix or that video game we are NOT addicted to so Shut Up.  

Oh and these two people were on some inexplicably popular Seinfeld rip-off from the 1990s.  One of them has had something of a career since then, though not much unless you compare it to the other guy's.  Remember?  Me neither, actually. 

Just a few quick questions about this Discover Card Commercial.

 

1.  Who is Jennifer Coolidge?  Am I supposed to know, or care?  What was she in that I would have seen if I went to the theater or watched network television?  Or was she on some show that's only on a streaming service, of which I have zero?  Ok, that's a lot more than one question but they all really boil down to one.

2.  Why is this person calling Discover?  We never find out.  She's too engrossed in a conversation with what may or may not be an actual human.  I wonder if she even remembers the purpose of her call.  Considering that she seems to be calling from her kitchen at 2 AM, maybe she just called to hear a human voice.  Or a robot voice.  Either way, kind of sad.

3.  Is this supposed to be funny?  If so, funny to whom, exactly?  I can't ask YouTubers because the comments are turned off.  

4.  Why are there a whole series of these commercials?  What is going on here?  Are these the ads that convinced Capital One to buy this card?  So many questions, so few answers.  So little point. 

Wendy's March Madness Commercial: Making Obesity Great Again

 

Personally, if a couple of obviously mentally deranged lunatics ran up to me while I was trying to eat my greaseburger at my local Wendy's and proceeded to rant about Whatever, I'd get out of there fast.  I sure wouldn't remind myself to come back.  And I'd be absolutely horrified to find that the people standing in front of my table and yelling at me where the same people who prepared my food.  Um, pass.

But it sure is good to know that Wendy's has made it cheap to eat life-shortening crud in large quantities again, just like in the good old days before the Pandemic that Shall not be Named and the onslaught of inflation.  Take that Biden!

Paramount+Superbowl+Familiar Actors+Absolutely No Ideas= A Really, Really Stupid Commercial

 

I really don't have much to add after watching a commercial that just keeps repeating "this is as stupid as it gets" and then replying to itself "hold my beer."  I can only be grateful that Paramount didn't decide to make this ad any longer, because I have zero doubt that, given more time, it would have broken every record for Sustained Pointlessness out there.

Just wondering how producers who find their operating costs slashed by Paramount feel after watching this banal waste of several million dollars.  I bet a thoroughly educational documentary could have been made just for the CGI budget.  

Delightfully Understated Sexism from Select Insurance

 

Hey look, it's another commercial featuring an idiot dad who keeps screwing up until mom takes control of the situation and sets everything right.  Never seen that in a commercial before, have we?

Seriously, though- this guy starts off by suggesting everything is fine while the car he presumably bought (I don't see mom taking any part in the choice of car purchases until the very end) is way too small for his daughters.  Then he comes home with a Jeep, which gets a thumbs-down from Mom (at this point we really wonder why she doesn't just go with the guy to get a car or leave him at home and pick it out herself- is she afraid he'll accidentally kill himself or the kids while she's gone?)

Everything gets resolved when MommyWife finally drags her stupid BoyHusband to a Select Insurance Agent who is, thankfully, a female so she doesn't have to worry about Dopey Worthless Man being enabled by another Dopey Worthless Man behind a desk.  It all works out because Dad takes a back seat and lets the Women set things straight.  Yay.  

Now if we can just keep dad- who has to drive the new car because He's The Guy After All- from wandering off and buying a boat or a motorcycle on a whim because Guys Are Stupid, this family should be ok.  

At Sonic, it's never been cheaper to kill yourself with food

 

If you actually consume this entire two-for-$7 deal* you'll be taking in more than 2000 calories, fully half of which consists of fat- and a lot of that fat is the saturated kind.  And I'm being generous and assuming that the drink is a calorie-free diet soda.  It's basically an entire day's worth of calories for an active adult- and don't tell me that anyone who would actually ingest this crap is making this their only meal of the day.

I suppose this would be ok as a once-a-year treat, but Sonic isn't selling this as a once-a-year treat.  Sonic would like you to see this as a perfectly reasonable meal option.  Never mind that it's only reasonable if you are struggling to gain weight or have just given up on life altogether.  This kind of "food" would leave me completely exhausted minutes after eating it, and very very hungry only a few hours later.   In short, it's a bad deal all around.

*And don't even try to tell me that Sonic expects two people to share this meal.   There's only one drink here.  Nope- if two people waddle into Sonic for this deal, Sonic expects each person to hand over $7- plus a few more bucks for the two drinks not included.  

Southwest Airlines: No fees...but maybe, no seat either?

 

Here's another one of those stupid ads that uses the "real people being flummoxed by ridiculous rules/questions/policies etc." meme that we've seen a hundred times already, pounding the "we're better because we don't have this stuff" message into our brains over and over again- a message we GET ten seconds in but for some reason are subjected to for a full minute Because We Dumb.

Setting aside the fact that nobody with two functioning brain cells would believe for one moment that these are Real People Not Wannabee Actors following a script, let's talk about Southwest Airlines' "No Hidden Fees" claim for a moment, shall we?

It's true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for an ice cube.  Neither will any other airline, but whatever.  It's also true that Southwest Airlines won't charge you for trying to sit wherever you want on the plane.  That's not because Southwest Airlines is "nice," it's because Southwest Airlines is CHEAP and leaves the fighting over seats to you and your fellow passengers.  Like walking down an aisle trying to find an empty seat is superior to just going to the one you know is waiting for you.  Please.  

But I wonder why we don't see one of these "actors" being told that they are so fat that they are spilling into someone else's seat, and need to buy another seat rather than commit second degree assault on a fellow passenger.  Because Southwest Airlines has a "Passenger of Size" policy in which a (let's use the current preferred terminology) "Person in a Larger Body" may be given a free extra seat (or even TWO  free extra seats) if they are too big to fit in one.  They can either request this seat in advance, or pay for an extra seat(s) and then get a refund after the flight.  

Why don't you mention this in the ad, Southwest Airlines?  Is it because this policy has actually lead you to BOOT PEOPLE OFF YOUR FLIGHTS in order to make room for- um- "People in Larger Bodies?"  Like the family mentioned in the story linked below?  

Personally, when I rent a seat on a plane I only expect two things, and neither is a free ice cube:  I expect every inch of the space I rent, and I expect to have that seat ready for me and only me when I arrive at the airport.  Southwest Airlines guarantees neither.  And I can tell you right now- a free ice cube isn't going to cut it as compensation when I'm sitting at the gate waiting for another flight because Southwest Airlines has a policy which favors someone who had to ask for two seatbelt extenders.  

The Problem With Lizzo

 

No, it's not that at one point in this stupid ad she seems to be ordering a "French boy."  I'm pretty sure I heard that correctly.  Nor is it her current lawsuit issues, though they do factor in.  

The problem Lizzo is going to have in 2024 is with that part of her audience whose devotion to her had absolutely nothing to do with her music and everything to do with her image as an excessively heavy but extremely active woman who had made a fortune on stage without "buying in" to "socially acceptable fitness standards" (I'm quoting self-labeled fat activists here.)  And from what I've seen from Tiktok and YouTube, this is a significant portion of that audience.

Lizzo has a LOT of fans who are either extremely overweight or consider themselves "allies" to people "living in a larger body."  Over the past few years, many of them have accused their hero's detractors of "hating on Lizzo" because she is very fat.  Some of them even say that they aren't fans of Lizzo's music but will go to the mat against anyone who dares criticize Lizzo because Fat People and Their Allies Must Stick Together. 

But there's one thing that "Fat Activists" hate more than detractors, and that's when their fat icons go on weight-loss journeys.  And we've finally gotten to Lizzo's 2024 problem:  the musician, who is six weeks away from her 36th birthday, has apparently decided that the health consequences of being morbidly obese are not for her, and she's on a mission to change her body while she still can.   It was one thing to hear Lizzo accused of fat-shaming her dancers- that could be dismissed as mere gossip by the haters.  But when the pounds start to drop off, and Lizzo inevitably signs a promotional deal with Ozempic and clothing company that doesn't go higher than XXL, the bile is going to rise like lava in Vesuvius circa 79 AD.  

Here's hoping that Lizzo's explanation for the turnabout is "it's none of your damn business and I don't owe you an explanation," because that would be very accurate.  In any case, the reaction from some of the "activists" who infest the medias of Social will be entertaining to watch.  

In short, the problem with Lizzo is not Lizzo's problem at all.  She has every right to come to the rescue of her own body even if she can still walk and hasn't even had a heart attack yet.  The problem really belongs to the people who held her up as some kind of fat mascot to hold up to the world as an example of what fat people can do (for a while, until reality catches up to them.)  They'll be very vocal about the "betrayal."  Frankly, I can't wait. 

KFC: Right, it's not pizza. It's poison

 

Brought to you from the same people who brought us:

Macaroni and cheese and fried chicken in the same bowl.

"Sandwiches" consisting of bacon, cheese and fatty sauce between two pieces of boneless fried chicken.

A fried chicken pot pie served with a chocolate cookie served up as a "meal."

I could go on.  But the point is- fried chicken slavered with cheese and pepperoni should come as no surprise to anyone.  I mean, we already live in a country where Taco Bells are open 24/7 and butter-infused ground beef is a selling point.  

We are in deep, deep trouble.  And no, we are NOT getting Universal Health Care until we turn this thing around.  I am NOT paying for this kid's angioplasty.  Oh, and grandma?  Someone in this family was responsible for teaching this kid how to eat.  Maybe it wasn't you, but it was your son or your daughter.  They failed.  Hard. 

Airborne Narcissism

 

This is what we know about Kelly Rowland:  She sees herself as a Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom who is very very eager to attend what might as well be called the KELLY Rowland family reunion so that she can fling herself about as if she's the center of the universe and the only real reason to even HAVE a family reunion, but ONLY if she can armor herself against the germs of the Non-Influencer Nobodies who happen to share her DNA.  She is, after all, Kelly Rowland, Superstar Super-Influencer Supermom. 

So thanks to Airborne, the supporting characters of Kelly Rowland's life are graced by Kelly Rowland's presence, and she'll make damn sure everyone is aware of it by trying to be everywhere all at once, no doubt live-streaming the entire event for her audience of I'm Not Even Going To Look It Up Many mouth-breathers on Tiktok or YouTube or Wherever.   Because we're all just background noise in the long-running Saga of Kelly Rowland, Legend in her Own Mind.  

 

Another Obnoxious Rinvoq Commercial? Check!

 

I don't know about you, but there's very little I care about less than rich people having lives which seem to consist entirely of safaris, beaches and ski resorts be interrupted by frequent trips to the g--d--- bathroom.  The idea that some pharmaceutical company may have set aside research into drugs that might someday cure Alzheimer's or Type I Diabetes in order to pump money into removing an annoyance from entitled brats like the horrible, horrible people who infest these ads makes me physically sick. 

I mean, wear a damn Depends under your $2000 ski gear, you ridiculous knobs.  

A Friday morning rant from an angry boomer with a blog?  CHECK!