If your mouth waters at the smell of deep-fried Everything Except Maybe Ice Cream* then I suppose that yes, walking along the boardwalk at Hampton Beach in New Hampshire is "mouth watering." But if you don't turn your brain off before going on vacation, you'll avoid most of the Cheap Except for the Cost "food" being offered from the holes in the wall that pass for restaurants. Your heart and other organs will thank you for ignoring your stomach's attempt to kill you.
Anyway, this is where I'll be until next Saturday night. Enjoy the archives until then!
*Yes, you can get deep-fried ice cream at Hampton Beach. And Snicker's Bars. And vegetables- going on vacation is no excuse to stop eating your vegetables (major eyeroll.)
Better yet, anyone understand why the people who are with her at the beach are with her at the beach? She comes off as a weirdly competitive woman who more than anything else needs treatment for her Main Character Syndrome.
I mean, look at her- she's psyching herself up for what turns out to be a casual pick-up game of volleyball on the beach. In the first few seconds, I thought it was going to be revealed that this game was being broadcast on ESPN or something, but no- that intense look in her face, followed up by the equally intense look she gives to her teammates in the huddle just before the game starts (the group of friends on the other side of the net must be thinking "what the hell...oh, it's that insane woman again, the one who thinks something's at stake here. I hate when she shows up, she sucks all the fun out of this,) and her WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS expression at the end- good lord, woman, what is your issue?
And then we see her dominating the conversation around the beach fire we always see in commercials featuring beaches regardless of the fact that the vast majority of beaches in the United States don't allow open fires (so this is a private beach? How relatable,) probably explaining to her "friends" how she won the game with that move to earn Point 18 and how they really need more practice. We see her friends laughing but because we're supposed to be distracted by the pretty music and pretty faces we can't hear what they're laughing at, but we can guess they are patronizing her until she decides she needs her Recovery Rest and leaves so they can spend the rest of the night chuckling about the super-competitive freak who simply refuses to have fun at the beach.
Clearly the men who make these ads think that women just sit at home all day in the enormous houses provided by their husbands, getting high on the scent of their freshly-laundered clothing. This woman is taking a break from using the Swiffer and prancing around to the sweet smells of the Glade air fresheners to enjoy the fruits of her REAL craft- doing the laundry. Thank goodness for that MRS degree, eh ladies?
*I only see these ads in July and August, because they only run on weekdays and only on channels that feature the local news, my Mom's Soaps, and the Andy Griffith Show. I don't miss the misogyny at all.
A former employee of the Jacksonville Jaguars is currently serving a 6.5-year sentence in a federal prison for embezzling $22 million from the team to bet through FanDuel (he also bought a number of luxury items, including a golf club once owned by Tiger Woods- about $5 million in luxury items, in fact.) The Jaguars announced the other day that they are filing a lawsuit against the employee for $66 million in Florida, a state which allows plaintiffs to recover up to three times the lost amount in damages. The Jaguars are also "in talks" to recover their money from FanDuel.*
The employee claimed during his trial that he was "damaged" by his gambling addiction, which is a pretty obvious defense considering that the Supreme Court ruled several generations ago that addiction itself cannot be criminalized. I don't know if the defense worked in any way- it certainly didn't convince the jury to give him a pass on his actual criminal activity (the stealing of the money) but maybe it resulted in a lighter sentence. I'll leave that for someone else to research.
Here's the point: Every Major League Sport in the United States uses the availability of gambling apps like FanDuel, SportsKings etc. to sell their product, and every gambling service sells its product as "good, clean, innocent fun." But we've known of the existence of gambling addiction forever. We've known that gambling ruins lives, breaks up families, and lands people in crippling debt or even prison FOR EVER. Prominent novelists were writing about gambling as a destructive force two freaking centuries ago (I've always argued that the real villain of the Charles Dickens classic The Old Curiosity Shop was not the evil dwarf Daniel Quilp, but Little Nell's asinine grandfather and his obsession with making his fortune at the card table that ultimately kills her.) But today we have the biggest stars of Hollywood and (much worse) the biggest names in SPORTS selling what is basically Dignified Crack during every commercial break of every sporting event.
Embezzlers should be in jail. I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for a guy who steals money to gamble and buy luxury items. But the Jaguars- and every other sports team that partners up with gambling- needs to understand their role in feeding this monster. They aren't innocent either.
*which presents an interesting problem. If the Jaguars can recover money stolen and then lost through FanDuel, why can't a spouse recover money stolen from a joint bank account for the same purpose? Where does FanDuel's responsibility for checking the source of the money being risked start and end? And while we're at it, how did a company which preaches "gamble responsibly" in tiny letters at the bottom of the screen accept MILLIONS in losing bets from the same person? Isn't this like a bartender whispering "drink responsibly" while filling the glass of the local drunk for the 2000th time?
Evil Cartoon Character from the 1960s pops into the living room to indoctrinate the next generation of Americans to be even fatter and more sedentary and depressed than their parents:
"Ok everyone, when I say DINNER, you yell SUGAR!"
"DINNER!"
"SUGAR!"
"DINNER!"
"SUGAR!"
Lonely voice from the living room from an animated chicken who for some reason is begging to be eaten: "Protein?"
Adult who allegedly is responsible for the care of her offspring: "You can take the night off, protein."
Who benefits? Kellogg's bottom line. Mom and dad, because cleanup is easy. Big Pharma, which will make serious bank on an even bigger (no pun intended) population of Type 2 Diabetes sufferers who (bonus) will also probably have fatty liver disease and need replacement knee surgery even earlier than their parents did. Who suffers? The kids, who will be ravenously hungry an hour after they eat that empty, sweet bowl of soggy carbs and will grow up with terrible, debilitating eating habits. Society, which will carry the massively inflated (again, no pun intended) cost of their treatment for illnesses that used to be exclusive to the elderly (maybe there won't be as many elderly so it will balance out? Or we'll just redefine what it means to be "elderly?")
It's bad enough that this sad trash is sold as breakfast ("as part of a nutritious breakfast;" in fact, it's more of an add-on to a nutritious breakfast, if served with a couple of eggs and a piece of whole-wheat toast.) If it becomes a regular feature at dinner, it's very likely that families will be consuming empty, sugary nonsense TWICE A DAY. And what will that third meal be? Depends on what the family is in the mood for- Taco Bell, Wendy's McDonald's, Pizza Hut....why do houses even HAVE kitchens anymore? All you really need is a fridge (for the milk,) a microwave (for the leftovers) and a coffee maker (for obvious reasons.) This nonsense makes Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal" campaign look downright innocent.
1. Well, why shouldn't Danica Patrick make as much money as she can while she can? It's not like she's making money winning races, after all.
2. Covered Car Repairs are Covered. Yeah, no kidding. And what are "covered car repairs?" Well, you'll find out when you need to use that "insurance" you think you are paying for with those "low" premiums offered "for a limited time" while our economy is "struggling." Speaking of which-
3. After twenty years of listening to the radio ads, I'm convinced that if the unemployment rate was 3 percent, hourly wage for High School graduates was approaching $15 per hour and the Dow Jones Industrial Average topped 40,000, Endurance would STILL be telling us that they were offering discounted car repair insurance "due to the downturn in the economy." Oh, wait a minute....
(Because this definitely qualifies as it's own series....)
In an era of US History in which it has never been more difficult to find qualified applicants to fill ANY job, be it office manager, gas station convenience store attendant or Starbucks barista, LinkedIn pounds the audience with ads featuring hopeful, starry-eyed, out-of-work millennials trying to find ways to stand out from the crowd as they pursue their dreams of an entry-level salary at a mindless, fill-in-the-blank drone corporation. All of their commercials feature the same people wearing very nice, expensive-looking clothing, getting themselves ready for their interviews in very large, upscale apartments or houses, and heading off hoping to be picked out from all of the hundreds or even thousands of like-minded, equally qualified go-getters who want nothing more than to put 150 percent effort in to achieving success for The Corporation.
This is a bizarre fantasy that pretends that we are still living in the pre-COVID world and not the one which gave us free money in the form of stimulus payments (whether we needed them or not) and birthed a new era of pro-Union and life-is-more-than-work-I-will-not-be-a-sucker-like-my-parents attitudes and, above all, an understanding that Your Dream Is Not My Dream If You Want Me To Work PAY ME that has shuffled the deck for the first time since the French Revolution. But I'll expand on that in a future chapter. For now, I'll just reiterate that as much as businesses would like to deny it, the unemployment rate is almost zero and there are no hungry masses yearning to be your wage serfs knocking each other over for an interview in your office, Sorry Not Sorry (as the cool kids say.)
"The IRS finally caught up to Louie..." after eight years of Louie avoiding paying his fair share for living in a society financed by other people's money, Louie got caught. So not only was Louie not contributing, but he put an extra burden on society by making the government use precious resources to track him down and require him to accept responsibility like an adult.
Except, Louie doesn't accept responsibility like an adult. After telling us straight out that he avoided paying taxes for eight years, he starts whining about the consequences of his actions..."THEY are going to take my house, THEY are going to garnish my paycheck, THEY don't care..." Louie acts like a kid who has been caught shoplifting- "they put me in the back of a police car, they took me to the station, they charged me with a crime, like they don't care that I have things to do and this could have an impact on my life!" No hint that he recognizes the percentage of fault that belongs to him (100 percent, btw.)
I guess Louie was really upset that he got caught - "Optima Tax Relief calmed me down, they made me feel comfortable." Yeah, that's the important thing- that you feel "comfortable." The shoplifter should be apologized to repeatedly by the police officer on the way to the station. Maybe given a Comfort Animal to pet or something.
"I was able to live a better life, a more comfortable life...." there again we have that word "comfortable." Most of us feel "comfortable" because we know we aren't cheating our way through the years, avoiding paying taxes because it's not convenient. We feel "comfortable" when we live within our means and pay our bills- and that includes paying income tax owed. And those of us who AREN'T children don't harbor resentment at the authorities when we skip out on paying our legitimate share of the burden and then get caught. Grow up, Louie.
Louie got relief with Optima Tax when he probably should have spent time in jail. Crimes without Consequences come from Laws not worth Respecting. Why are the vast majority of us paying our bills on time, allowing the system to function correctly, when Louie and his ilk can just skate through his responsibilities with a smile on his face and a chuckle in his voice?
Louie is a terrible person who should be ashamed of himself, but anyone who can boldly declare that he's a crook who didn't make any effort to repair his ways until he was caught has obviously tossed aside his shame as an annoying relic of the past that simply doesn't apply to him Because Reasons. Judging from the sound of his voice he hasn't learned a damn thing and he's going to be in trouble with the Mean Old IRS again in no time at all. Maybe Optima Tax Relief will hire him to give us another whinefest like this one. I'll be ready.
The idea that anyone would be this jacked at buying a freaking TOYOTA is downright laughable. Or, at least, it would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic. It's bad enough that you've got a family taking selfies with a salesman. But you've got another guy doing a dance and another who has acquired a bottle of champagne somewhere and is now spraying himself like he just won Game of the Freaking World Series instead of signing a contract to hand Toyota several hundreds of dollars a month for several years on top of thousands of dollars down- what the actual hell? You didn't win anything, my dude. You didn't beat out a hundred other people- or even ONE other person- to make the Deal of the Lifetime and convince the dealership to hand you the keys to a car because You're Awesome. You signed. A freaking. Contract. And the moment you did, that salesman stopped giving a damn about you and started wondering when you were going to get the hell out of his way, drive the hell off the lot, and let him move on to the next sucker. That you left him a wet mess to clean up just makes you an asshat on top of being a ridiculous Consumer who probably beeps the horn in celebration when he's handed his 2-for-1 deal in the Wendy's Drive-Thru.
Nissan Rogue's Google Command was allegedly installed so that the driver could keep his "hands on the wheel." Which is about as cynical as Nissan could possibly get, considering that this vehicle is jammed full of so many distracting bells and whistles that the very last thing that's going to get any attention is the actual road.
"Keep your hands on the wheel, while your brain wanders around Facebook, emails, text messages, SiriusXM, and everything except what's in front of you as you maneuver several tons of steel and chrome and fiberglass at high speeds through neighborhoods where actual human beings are active with a smug, self-important, self-satisfied look on your stupid face. Because we care, or something."
I have two questions for the writers of this Discover Card Commercial.
1. Why did this woman call the Discover Card Help Line in the middle of the night? She never has any question other than some version of "are you really not a sophisticated robot?" If I were the person in the Help Center, I'd be asking why she called, not assuring her that I'm not Artificial Intelligence. Instead, she seems perfectly happy to have a pointless "prove your not a robot" conversation with a total stranger on the phone.
2. Assuming this really is supposed to be comedy....as a consumer of this commercial where, exactly, am I supposed to, you know, LAUGH? Because this isn't funny. It's just dumb. Like the title of this blog post says. It's just dumb. And "just dumb" does not equal Funny. Not in my world.
2024's favorite medication to hate on is still going strong....I wouldn't be surprised if TIME Magazine makes Ozempic it's "Event of the Year" come December....
I picked this ad to snark on in particular because I think it perfectly represents one of the biggest controversies concerning celebrities and Tiktok "influencers" and their "weight loss journeys." This woman is doing her very best to convince us that she's engaged in an active lifestyle as her main strategy for engaging in weight loss- she may or may not mention diet, hard to tell over the loud music and quick cuts- but the message we are getting is that Ozempic is just a minor tool in the toolbox that finally allows her to benefit from all that exercise she's been getting all along. She does cardio boxing, y'all. She dances. She's not a couch potato who monopolizes the mobility scooter at Walmart in between bingeing on Netflix. She's a victim of her genetics and Food Noise or whatever else you want to throw in there as the It's Not Her Fault card. If life were fair, she'd be super skinny because she's always on the move. Ozempic is just there to level the playing field.
Yeah no. Excess adipose tissue doesn't develop by magic, and nobody's body violates the law of conservation of matter. In Europe, "calories" are actually referred to as "energy" on food labels. We should do that over here in order to at least try to stop this nonsense fantasy that food is only a minor contribution to weight. Take in more energy than you burn, and that energy gets stored as fat. PERIOD. And a 10-second "cardio" workout isn't going to do much to burn that fat.
You can't outrun a bad diet, but you also don't need to exercise at all to lose weight- you simply need to consume less Energy than you take in. I encourage the woman in this ad to keep moving, but she's taking Ozempic so that the extra activity does not result in increased appetite and then consumption of excess Energy which voids the effect of the increased activity. I object to the "I'm Active and Should Be Slim but the Cards were Stacked against Me" bit- it's a serious delusion that isn't going to help anyone if they eventually need to go off Ozempic. We'll just have to wait to see how this all plays out. I'll be watching.
