Swish Funding: Money for people who are too stupid to be trusted with Money but are the Backbone of America because Reasons.

 

I hear the radio commercials for Swish funding all the time on Sirius XM. They all involve a narrator blowing smoke up some small businessman's ass- "you are an entrepreneur, a trailblazer, one of the 30 million small business owners in the United States.  You wake up every morning thinking about your cash flow, your employees, and your dreams" blah blah blah blah blah.  

First of all, if there are 30 million small business owners in the United States, that means that approximately one in ten Americans (including children) are small business owners.  In other words, you're nothing special, we could do just fine without the vast majority of you, get the hell over yourself.

Second, I suspect that the vast majority of these sacred small business owners are running businesses the rest of us could do just fine without and won't even notice the absence of when they go under, as most do within three years after first opening.  They aren't "trailblazing" if they are providing the same services that existed before they opened up shop and will continue to exist long after they've come to the realization that they need to just go out and get a job.  

Third, I suspect that the figure of 30 million "small business owners" MUST include Multi-Level Marketing grifters.  They all call themselves "small business owners" and/or "CEOs" despite the fact that they actually exist within a pyramid of salespeople making money for the ACTUAL owner of the company.  It's all about stroking that ego and convincing people with no skills and nothing more than a High School Diploma that they can become Boss Babes by playing with their phones and annoying everyone they've ever known with unsolicited "offers" through Facebook and Twitter.

Fourth, there's no shortage of money in the banks for people who have stable cash flow, pay their bills on time and (if they want a LOT of money) have some kind of security to put up in exchange for that cash.  If you're dealing with Swish because you need thousands of dollars quickly, you've already failed as a Small Business Owner.  You're borrowing money at a high interest rate because banks won't touch you.  Ask why this is happening.  The answer will hurt your ego, but it might save you some money.  If I find out that your small business is being funded by Swish I'm going to assume that you don't know what you are doing, just like if I walk into your house and see that your TV and furniture has Rent-A-Center stickers on it I'm going to assume that you are living beyond your means and your credit is in the toilet. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  If you want to call yourself a small businessman, that's fine, but there's no reason for me or anyone else to care about you or your dreams- we're the other 90 percent of Americans who have a stronger grasp of reality and are just going to work and don't need to pretend to be Important Trail-Blazing Entrepreneurs.  And while we're at it, stuff "Small Business Saturday."  You aren't entitled to my money at any time, no matter how much Swish tells you how Super Awesome and Important you are.