Jamie Foxx, MGM Bets, and sincerely offering a Second Chance

 

Don't despair because that touchdown you bet on didn't take place; wait a few moments until it doesn't happen again.  NOW you can despair for the rent, car payment, or medical bills that are going to go into default because you listened to a multi-millionaire who couldn't resist lining his already well-lined pockets just a little more tell you how SuperAwesome gambling is. 

Mr. Fox, I'm prepared to offer you a second chance.  Just give back the dirty money you took to make this and your other Betting Is Good Clean Fun commercials- or, better yet, donate it to Gambler's Anonymous - and issue a public apology for making those ads in the first place.  It won't do anything for the people you've already suckered in to this finances-and-life-destroying addiction, but if it convinces just one person to delete the app from their phone and seek professional help, it would be worth it- don't you think?  Or are you really that infatuated with the almighty dollar?  

The "Troll Toll" is just a cutesy relabeling of the Stupid Tax

 

So Mr. and Mrs. Diversity are cruising along in an SUV which is probably already crushing them in debt when they come across a bridge which requires a toll Because Reasons.  

Naturally, this family doesn't have two nickels to rub together- why would they be carrying money with them as they drive through the woods with two children, after all- but fortunately they've become very used to the concept of Kicking Problems Down The Road with Klarna, Affirm or, in this case, AfterPay.  Because why a small amount now when you can pay that same amount plus a crippling Oops You Missed A Payment Who Could Have Seen That Coming Oh That's Right Everybody later?

And I'm not even going to ask why people who have no money have an SUV and two kids because I've lived in this country long enough to know that deferred desires are just not a thing when compared to Living for Today.  So this family- and tens of thousands of families just like them- are going to keep pretending to be financially stable because they can pay that Stupid Tax---- err, I mean, "Troll Toll."

Those Mucinex Commercials....

 

...are, twelve years later, just stupid, disgusting walls of noise.  

Walls of noise that are just getting more obnoxious as they proceed through their second decade of polluting the airwaves.  And what really makes this annoying?  The fact that this stuff is actually pretty effective.  So why do the makers feel like they need to use this stupid gimmick, let alone use it for a dozen years?

AfterPay-for those of us who love the Stupid Tax and look for shortcuts to Crippling Debt

 

You can even.

Go into stupid debt.

Buying things like.

Food Delivery.

That's right.  

You can pay ridiculous interest fees

On dumb impulse items

Like delivery from Uber Eats and DoorDash

Proving

Once Again

That Americans will never

Stop finding new ways

To burn through money

they don't have.

Rinse.com is disgusting, evil, and all the rest of it

 

I was recently watching a podcast concerning the hidden costs of UberEats and DoorDash- the massive amounts of waste involved in transporting a heavily-packaged meal over any distance because millions of lazy, stupid-with-money asshats can't be bothered prepare food themselves or decided that the line at the drive-thru was too long on their way home from their sedentary jobs.

Rinse.com might even be worse.  Here are two able-bodied women who are about to settle down for a night (day?) of binge-watching some show when one is "interrupted" by the need to "finish her laundry."  Which means, acknowledge a notice on her phone that her laundry has been completed off-site by serfs and is being delivered to her door by other serfs.  Because she's "too busy" to do her own laundry, of course.  

Well, excuse me but what the actual hell?  There's no way that palace doesn't include a state-of-the-art washer and dryer.  You put your laundry in the washer, add soap, and then watch your tv.  You interrupt your viewing for five minutes at some point to move the laundry into the dryer.  You interrupt your viewing an hour later to take the laundry out, and you fold it while watching your show.  

Every other weekend I pack up my dirty laundry in my oversized backpack and pedal to the local laundromat.  Ninety minutes and $4 later my laundry is done for the week and I am on my way back home.  I didn't require a team to pick my clothes up, carry them off someplace in a gas-guzzling vehicle, be and cleaned and returned in another gas-guzzling vehicle packed in plastic and cardboard which will inevitably end up in a landfill.  I'm not a hero.  I just have two hours every two weeks to do this.  You can't tell me that these women can't do laundry while they are watching tv.

The Convenience Culture is getting really, really awful.  We've got prepackaged meals for specialized ovens.  We've got every restaurant, burger joint and 7-11 ready to deliver everything from a four-course meal to a bag of chips to our door at the swipe of a phone.  And now we've got spoiled princesses using a laundry service instead of the perfectly serviceable washer and dryer WE KNOW ARE SITTING IN THIS HOUSE.  

Again- what.  The actual.  Hell.  

Nothing Smart About Klarna

 

"I see something, I buy it."  Yes, exactly.  The fact that you say that to a worldwide audience, with a big smile on your face, doesn't make it any better.  Just sadder.

Klarna, AfterPay, and a dozen other apps make it super-easy to pay a little down and get that impulse buy into your house as quickly as possible, with the monthly installment payments coming later.  If those companies have their way, you'll find this so convenient and easy you won't even notice when your entire paycheck is being vacuumed up by installment payments on stuff you already impulsively purchased because Gosh This App Makes It Seem Like Its Practically Free.  

I'm sure this won't end badly.  After all, what could go wrong with Buy Now Pay Later?  What's good for the 1920s has to be good for the 2020s, right?  And never mind that the average American is already carrying $6500 in credit card debt.  We'll be fine as long as we can keep buying stuff.  

Nothing human about Smartsheet

 

You'll forgive me if I have an instant negative reaction to any commercial that starts with "Hey, Human."

Especially since the last thing I really need in my life is another commercial which accuses the most productive people on the planet of falling short of optimum productivity.  Companies like this- and Indeed, and LinkedIn, etc.- are constantly pushing products to get just one more drop of sweat out of an already exhausted, discouraged workforce by using This Software or This Spreadsheet or This "Connectivity Opportunity" or This App.  

In short, it's Always Something with these companies.  And it has nothing to do with being human, and everything to do with exploitation.  And it never stops being less gross.  

Coca-Cola's shameless attempt at piggy-backing

Look, it's a delicious burger.  Look how delicious it is!  What a great burger!

Know what would go great with this truly delicious-looking burger?  Some milk.  A milkshake.  A glass of water.  A beer.  

Oh, Coca-Cola.  That would go great with this burger, if you like Coca-Cola.  But if you like Coca-Cola, why do you need to pair it with a delicious-looking burger?  

And if Coca-Cola is so good, why does this commercial sell the burger better than the soda?

Even the YouTube comments get this Indeed Commercial....

 

This girl wants to get out of living with her grandparents, parents and siblings and I don't blame her, but here's a some cold water in the form of that nasty thing called Reality:  The fact that a job opening has been posted on Indeed doesn't mean that there's actually a job available, let alone that this girl is going to get it.

And that kid is hysterical- he sees that the salary is around $100,000 per year and says "you're gonna be a millionaire in ten years!"  Uh, yeah- if there were no such thing as taxes, and there were no such thing as expenses.  If your sister gets that job and actually makes $100,000 a year, invests it well, and gets to live at home for free then MAYBE she'll be a millionaire in ten years.  Otherwise- kid, that is not the way life works . 

Then she gets an interview- and the family acts as if she's already been handed the job.  Like businesses don't make job postings all the time just to gauge the market, and as if companies don't interview all the time just to see who is out there.  It's very possible that there is no actual job at this company.  But if there is, how many people got exactly the same "invite" to interview?  An interview and $3 will buy you a cup of coffee at Starbucks, young lady.  Be careful- your family acts like they are ready to start spending your money before it's in your hand.

Cripes, what is going on here?  I get the feeling that the concepts of "having a job" and "getting a paycheck" are completely alien to everyone who lives under this roof.  Who is paying for what this family already has?  Whoever it is, I suspect he's going to keep shelling out while the people living on his dime continue to give themselves high-fives over being "invited" to interview.  Major Eyeroll. 

Betting App Commercials are the Epitome of Anything-for-a-buck Celebrity Endorsements

According to the Rutgers Addiction Center, approximately 5 million Americans have a gambling addiction.  According to the same source, only eight percent of those 5 million will ever seek help in breaking the addiction.  The other approximately 4.6 million?  Well, I guess they'll take any comfort they can in the forced, scripted mirth of two multi-millionaires who pretend to also having a gambling problem but for whom in fact gambling is NOT a problem, but an opportunity to add more $$$ to the pile.  

I can't believe I snarked on Joe Namath picking up a quick paycheck from a scammy Not-Medicare insurance company or Ernie Hudson shilling for Not Car Insurance.  At least those guys probably need the money.  

This Allstate "Switch" Commercial is just....weird....

 

I mean, come on.  What is going on here?

If a total stranger sits down next to me while I'm eating an ice cream cone and offers me $574 to trade cones, I can tell you two things:  First, I am not touching the cone the total stranger gave me- never mind HER tossing away MY cone, I'm beating her to it by quickly disposing of the cone she gave ME.  Second, I am not listening to any more of what I'm going to assume is a pitch from a cult or a Multi-Level Marketing scheme until I see my money.  

Unlike this guy, who seems to instantly forget all about that $574 and seems perfectly satisfied to have switched cones with the total stranger who sat down next to him and is now pitching him insurance of some sort.  This guy is a cult member's/Herbalife distributor's wet dream.  He's on board with learning about Allstate and never mind that the person he's getting the pitch from has already proven her unreliability by not producing the $574 promised for the ice cream trade.  

The Wendy's Frosty- for a few extra cents, can I get a damn lid on this thing?

 

I'm seriously creeped out by the lack of lids anywhere in this ad- so even if you buy one of these things at the drive-through window, a lid is not included?  So basically it's dirty before you can take your first sip (getting it all over your mouth, as apparently a straw is not included in that one-dollar price, either....)

"What?  It's ONLY a DOLLAR?  Why am I limiting myself to just ONE A DAY, then?  I mean, sure it's 350 calories for a few slurps of chocolate-flavored chemicals, but it's ONLY A DOLLAR!  Serve them for breakfast too, Wendy's!  I can worry about diabetes later!"

A few quick points concerning this racist "Receipts" YouTube Show....

 

1.  The host, Quincy Brown, says he's also known as "Q Side B Side."  I'm willing to bet real money that he's "also known" that only by himself and a few hangers-on.  Seriously, buddy, I have never heard of you, and after watching barely a minute of this insulting wall of noise I'm quite good with never hearing anything more of you again.

2.  Around the first minute of this program, we realize that this is basically a racist's fever dream.  The way these people act is exactly how racist whites expect black people to act.  So watch this "fun" show, allegedly sponsored by Walmart, and see media images of black people as your grandparents did.  

3.  Do the YouTube Math:

a)  this channel has 3.1 million subscribers.

b)  this particular post has 3.7 million views in the ten months since it was posted.

c)  this channel with 3.1 million subscribers and 3.7 million views has generated 24,000 responses...

d)  and 20 comments.  That's Twenty.  Not even 20k, which would be tiny.  Twenty.  

All of which means that the subscriber number is fake, the views number is fake, and probably the response number is also fake.  Well, at least that restores some of my faith in humanity.  

Meanwhile, Walmart, if you really do have anything to do with this....just, why?  Is it because only 11 percent of your customer base is black, compared to 74% that is white- in other words, you just don't give a damn?  Please, explain.

Move Fansville to a streaming service...

 

...so I don't have to be subjected to the seventh "season" of a long-running "joke" that everyone with two brain cells to rub together stopped finding even remotely amusing at least six years ago. 

In other words, Enough Already.  If there really are people who look forward to these little snippets of dumb, let them pay a subscription fee to watch it and stop interrupting my football viewing with (apparently) endless "dramas" about football-and-crappy-soda-obsessed lunatics living in Stupidville USA.  Hulu, etc. are starting to strip networks of games already- these ads should be part of the package.  

Seems like a necessary post in response to an unnecessary ad

 

...being that it's Labor Day and all....

Yes, you could adopt Paycom and farm out work you are supposed to be doing to your employees (they aren't busy enough doing the work they are already contracted to do, of course.)  OR, you could learn to manage your time and create that magical Work/Life balance that does not mean half-assing your way through either.

Some people see a guy working when he's supposed to be with his family as the kind of Go-Getter who Made This Nation Great, a guy know Knows How To Hustle and has his Nose to the Grindstone and any number of stupid cliche's invented by Capitalism to convince us all that Life IS Work.  I look at people like this and think "disorganized," not to mention "selfish"- seriously, buddy, if you are devoted to your job 24/7, you have no business being married, let alone being a dad. 

Either way, handing off your responsibilities to your employees is no more ethical than handing them off to freelance drones in Pakistani call centers.  Do your own work, or don't- and suffer the consequences.  But get your act together.  Life is too short for this crap.

A good response to the girl in this Capital One Credit Card Commercial ad

 

"What do you do when you're NOT being the Capital One Credit Card guy?"

"Um, I'm a commercial actor.  I act in commercials.  Having answered your inane question, here's one for you: Other than ask commercial actors for selfies, what do you do in your life that is so shallow and meaningless that you feel getting a selfie with a commercial actor and asking about his private life is a worthwhile use of your time?"