Finally, an honest Gambling App Ad. And another rant.

 

I thought that this was more than worth sharing.

I see a lot of excellent YouTube videos concerning the real dangers of online gambling, and even the best ones miss an important point I'd like to address here.  Pretty much all of them point out that "the House always wins," meaning that the creators of the App aren't in the business of giving away money any more than any for-profit industry is.  Every offer to gamble is going to be carefully calibrated to assure the very best chance for the company to come out a winner.  There are built-in safeguards to prevent too many people from winning on any one bet.  Simply put, the odds are always stacked in favor of the person offering the bet.

But what I don't see any of them point out that every single gambler's momentary win represents a loss for many, many other gamblers.  We really need to realize that when gamblers use these apps to make bets, they aren't really betting against the house at all- they are betting against their fellow addicts.  Of course, you'll never see ads mention this, and I'm sure that most people engaged in online gambling think that they are trying to win money from the guy who created DraftKings or whatever they happen to be using to get their adrenaline fix, and not some anonymous dope who (this time) bet the other way.  In other words, all these companies to do move money around, stripping poor-luck Peter to pay winner-of-the-moment Paul while taking a healthy cut for themselves.  

Oh, and one more thing to all the dopes out there who are even thinking about "getting in on the fun:"  Please note the number of commercials you see for gambling apps during any given sporting event.  Check out how many complete programs are sponsored ENTIRELY by gambling apps.  Then ask yourself, "where does all that ad money come from?"  Here's a hint:  it doesn't come from the people who win bets.  That airtime featuring those pyrotechnics isn't cheap.  Neither are David Ortiz and Jamie Foxx and those other anything-for-a-buck celebrities.  So where are DraftKings, etc. getting all that cash to buy so much time on your television?  Figure it out yet?

Nothing Progressive about these awful Ageist "Don't become your parents" ads

 

None of these terrible commercials have anything to do with insurance and everything to do with poking "harmless" fun at us Silly Old People and our Silly Old People ways.

Look at all the social errors this guy is making in the elevator- first, he assures everyone that there's plenty of room.  As if this wasn't horrible enough, he proceeds to attempt small talk with total strangers instead of staring at his phone Like You're Supposed To and like he would if he wasn't Turning Into His Father.  And to put the cherry on this boorish sundae, he has the actual gall to make eye contact with his fellow passengers instead of doing the only dignified thing left once he's failed to stare at his phone- keep his eyes frozen to the elevator doors while keeping his silly, Oh My God How Old Is This Guy mouth shut. 

Hopefully, his re-education will be a success and he'll stop being affable like a moron born before 1980 or something.  He'll keep that phone fully charged so he has an excuse not to hold the elevator doors open for people who won't notice because unless they are also silly people Old Before Their Time or- even worse- Just Plain Old.  And he will do his best to melt into the background and keep that silly mouth shut as the elevator moves.  Until then he could find himself in regular danger of engaging in conversation, which I think used to be called human contact, which I'm told by television is wrong and bad and something only stupid all-but-in-the-grave weirdos like me see as anything but grotesque. 

By "don't become your parents," this particular ad means don't be friendly or express interest in anyone else.  I have a better idea for the current generation:  maybe take a critical look at what you are being told "not" to do and ask "um, why not, exactly?  Like what I'm doing right now is making a superior world?"  

This iPhone Commercial encourages us to be even more isolated and incapable of conversation

 

This girl with a very punchable face has a rather interesting reaction to making eye contact with someone she recognizes but whose name she cannot remember- she instantly ducks back into the next room.  We can only imagine what that guy is thinking- "hey, there's a girl I have met before- oh, what happened?  She saw me and instantly dived into the next room.  Does she owe me money, or what?"

Because just approaching and saying "hi, I know we met at the Wingate party a few months ago- I'm sorry, but your name isn't popping into my head right now" and just being reminded by an actual carbon-based life form is unthinkable, right?  Makes much more sense to jump out of the scene and consult that electronic device that might as well be surgically attached to your hand.  Never mind that if this guy knows this tech exists, it will take him all of twenty seconds to figure out why you acted like a toddler who touched her hand to a hot stove when you first made eye contact- and it's not just because you have access to this tech.  It's because tech like this has turned you into a literal toddler who can't function without the bells and whistles that come with your iPhone.

This girl's generation is so sad.  

Another non-Progressive Progressive Commercial. This one could even be considered Dangerous.

 

I mean, I don't get this AT ALL.

The first guy is, as near as I can tell, attempting to get rid of a wasp's nest in the dumbest, most ineffective, most potentially dangerous way imaginable:  By waiting for it to become absolutely enormous (seriously, was the homeowner on vacation for a month in the middle of the summer?  How do you miss this?) and then standing on a ladder in the middle of a sunny day and spraying it with a can of Raid or something.   For some reason- I'm guessing Because TV- the wasps are not acting like wasps and attacking him as he sprays it. 

Meanwhile, the guy's wife- who is obviously trying to get rid of him so she be with her boyfriend and cash in the life insurance policy- cheers him on from a safe distance.  Great Life Partner you got there, buddy.

Eventually, hubby decides he can't get rid of the nest and hands the task off to a "backup"- who proceeds to go about dealing with the problem in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.  Seriously.  There is NO difference between their strategies.  The backup isn't removing the wasp nest safely, showing up the first guy as a moron who didn't know what he was doing.  He just picks up where the first guy left off.  What the hell?

Of course, nobody who has actually had to deal with a wasp nest- especially a ridiculous made-for-TV wasp fortress like this one- would ever try to remove it in a way that could lead to serious injury or even death like these idiots are doing.  

If you insist on removing a wasp nest on your own rather than calling a professional, wait until well after sunset when the wasps are dormant or at least far less active.  Spray the nest from a safe distance while wearing thick clothing including gloves and safety goggles.  Then, cut the nest down so it drops into a heavy, sealable garbage bag.   Don't stand on a ladder in the middle of a bright sunny day wearing a t shirt spraying the nest with a weak stream of Raid as if the wasps won't react because home ownership didn't require an IQ test.  Unless you WANT to spend the rest of that bright sunny day in an ER.  Cripes.  I just can't with some of these. 

Uber Eats. Um...what did I just watch here?

 

After suffering through this idiot's internal monologue I was absolutely convinced that he was going to do the most American-on-Television thing imaginable:  he was going to order cooked food and pretend that he had grilled it himself.  Because while that's vastly more expensive than just cooking the food that he was supposed to cook, money has no real meaning in American TV commercials.  Certainly not when compared to Convenience.

But instead, it turns out that the guy was put in charge of the grill and given nothing to....umm, grill.  And yes, I know it's the guy who played Scott Pilgrim in a very forgettable movie that came out more than decade ago and I don't care.  I'm focusing on the fact that he was told to "man the grill" and I guess conjure up food out of the air or something.  

Realizing that he is living in 2024, he whips out his phone and orders groceries- hamburgers and buns, because the host of the party didn't think of buying them himself and also knows it's 2024 and if you find yourself without something these days you just order that something to appear within minutes using an app and your bottomless wallet.  The host's complete thoughtlessness and entitlement is swept under the rug because Scott Pilgrim can drop god knows how much money in a quick purchase and delivery of who-knows-how-many hamburger patties and buns, Carbon Footprint be Damned. 

Then he renders all of his work meaningless- not because he doesn't know the difference between a raw hamburger that is just sitting there and one that is cooking, not because he doesn't know how to turn on the grill or ask for help in doing so, but because he sticks his finger through one of the patties, letting anyone observing know that they should NOT be consuming food that he had anything to do with preparing.  

I'm sorry, but what planet am I living on?  Is this how things are done these days- you go to a party, get on your phone, and start arranging for desperately-trying-to-stay-afloat Delivery Monkeys to bring you food, utensils, cups, napkins, and all that other stuff that we used to shop for and have on hand BEFORE guests began to arrive?  What.  The Actual.  Hell.

And oh, by the way, don't forget to Vote Like Your Whole World Depends On It, because this time it really does. 

The Completely Unnecessary, yet totally expected, line in this stupid Behr Paint Commercial

 

I will give a little tip of the cap to Behr for picking two entirely normal-looking, relatable, unattractive actors to play the couple in this ad.  They are even the same race and of opposite sexes (can we even use the phrase "opposite sex" anymore?  Well, I can.  I'm a boomer.  I can say anything I want.)

But I'm not going to let that "I thought you researched this" line go by.  It's uncalled for- up until the moment it's uttered, this looks for all the world like a project these two decided to plan and carry out together.  But the moment a mistake is pointed out, we the audience must be told that for some reason, it's the guy's fault.  Picking out the best paint was HIS job- obviously, because it was done poorly.  He promised to "research this," and he either didn't "research this" or he researched it badly.  The brushes that were purchased are fine.  The color is fine.  Safe to assume that those were HER responsibility.  The wrong brand of paint was selected.  A mistake was made.  They could have both made that mistake- but this is an American TV Commercial, and that means when a mistake is made, and there's a guy available to hold responsible, that guy is being held responsible. 

There's really zero reason for the line.  They could look at each other and say "we should have researched this" or "we screwed up."  But we all knew that would NOT be the response.  We all knew that this was going to be Doofus Schlub Husband's fault because it's the 21st Century and as a society we still have to pay the price for all those dumb sexist ads of the 1950s, 60s and 70s because eventually a certain number or wrongs will add up to a Right, I guess.

There is zero smart about this commercial, or using Affirm

 

1.  Ridiculously opulent house considering the way the guy in this ad ends up using a Buy Now Pay Later service geared toward people who are living on the margins of financial ruin:*  Check.

2.  Precocious (read: nasty, obnoxious, punchable) little girl bleats criticism and marching orders to her - Uncle, I guess?- about getting the dance right if he's going to be in her Tiktok.  Why he wants to be in her Tiktok I don't know, but all that matters is that we get that awful little kid trope box ticked off.  Check.

3.  Punchline which makes no sense- this guy spent so much time trying to dance with the little girl for her Tiktok video, he has to soak his feet while sitting in a chair he does not yet own, which he has to buy with a Buy Now Pay Later service despite obviously* being able to use a credit card or even cash, and having no hope of actually getting that chair before his feet are no longer swollen from dancing.  Check.

*Or maybe this guy has an opulent house because he is another target demographic for this ad campaign:  People who desperately need to appear to be wealthier than they actually are by buying things that they really can't afford.  Or people who are addicted to the dopamine rush some get by purchasing things- ANY things.  Or just impulse buyers.  This guy could fit into any of those categories, especially the last one- I mean, seriously.  This guy doesn't already own a chair he can sit in while he soaks his feet?  Is he even going to remember why he bought that chair when it shows up?  He'll certainly be reminded every few weeks when those "easy" payments keep getting deducted from his bank account.  

Not smart.  Not smart at all.