This Amazon commercial is supposed to be heartwarming. It isn't.

 

What the world needs now is less manipulation from the planet's biggest slave driver since the East India Tea Company and the Congo Free State went under.....

So the janitor at this theater is a great voice and from the picture he keeps of himself in his locker he was a popular singer before his life went all to hell and he found himself sweeping up crap in a theater.  His fellow drones hear him singing, realize he has a great voice, and decide that if they come up with enough money to buy him a cheap version of a nice tuxedo on Amazon (probably from some Chinese company with a bizarre name nobody has ever heard of like "Wulful*" which makes nice-looking tuxedos that are 80 percent polyester, 10 percent Viscose and 10 percent lead paint chips that are guaranteed not to fall part until the second time they are dry-cleaned) they can exploit that voice for their own entertainment and maybe the theater's profit.   

All the employees get teary-eyed as this guy gets to stand on a stage again for a few seconds before scrubbing the men's room; when he gets his paycheck he'll be reminded that the singing was done during his break and he won't be paid for the time he spent getting in and out of that suit.  And oh by the way, the return window is still open so we'd like the suit back now, please.  

*An actual name of a company we've never heard of that sells cheap tuxedos on Amazon.

Lectric Bikes: Yes, but....

 

Full disclosure:  I am interested in buying one of these bikes, eventually.  That's why I got on their mailing list to be kept abreast of flash sales, etc.  

Here's the thing, though- in the four months I've been following the brand, I've been treated to ads for exactly the same sale, usually several times a week.  Lectric is constantly running "FLASH" sales that feature identical prices from before the "FLASH" sale.  For example:  every single week since at least early October, the standard foldable model has been "marked down" from $1400 to $999.  Same bike. Same price.  Every. Single. Week.

The only thing that changes is the title of the "Sale."  It's been a Labor Day sale- marked down from $1499 to $999.  Then it was the Halloween Sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  It was a pre-Black Friday sale, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Now it's a Black Friday Sale, complete with countdown timer, marked down from $1499 to $999.  Oh, and supply is always limited, too.  Some colors are always sold out.  But the standard colors- white or black- are always available.  And always on "sale."

Give me a break.  I don't have the money to pull the trigger and purchase one of these bikes right now.  I might never purchase one.  But I'm quite sure there will be a pre-pre-Christmas "Flash Sale," then a pre-Christmas "flash sale," and finally a Christmas "Flash Sale."  Followed by the inevitable pre-New Year's "flash sale."

This won't go on forever, of course.  Wait until those Trump tariffs kick in.  They might actually force Lectric to sell their bikes at the "normal" price.  At least until pre-Easter.  We'll see. 

Cults are Welcoming, Too

 

Sometimes it's called "Love Bombing."  I prefer the term "misery loves company."

Sometimes the stupid, sloppy drunk is the most popular person at the party.  Making everyone else feel better about themselves, perhaps. 

In case you weren't already aware, you are more than welcome to join the "fun" of online gambling.  It's a very, very welcoming "community" of sad addicts eager for your participation in consuming their drug of choice.

This Verizon Commercial is a gigantic Middle Finger to the World

 

Did you know that if you make more that fifty dollars per day, you are in the top 20 percent of wage earners on the entire planet?

Think about that little nugget of information the next time you see a commercial featuring Americans treating thousand-dollar phones like they are Bic lighters; dropping them, putting them through the laundry, etc.  A $1000 iPhone is more than two months' salary for eighty percent of the Earth's population.  It's a regularly upgraded, disposable item for the target audience of this ad. 

And those people who make less than fifty dollars per day?  Well, some of them include the children who put in 12-hour shifts assembling phones like these.  Fortunately, they'll never see this ad.  I'm sure the wounds are painful enough without having salt sprinkled into them. 

Wendy's is just trying to kill us

 

Ok, so offer soft drinks all day, every day for $1 any size.  But if you aren't really trying to murder the country (and bury us in plastic trash,) could you maybe give us refillable cups without lids and straws, and put an ounce limit on those cups?

Also- I'm really worried about people who are drinking giant Cokes from Wendy's at 7:45 AM.  A massive sugar rush in the morning is a recipe for ravenous hunger throughout the day.  Is that the plan, Wendy's?  Figure at least some of those "starving" people seeking to reclaim that sugar high will be back for "food" later- along with another $1 drink?

7:45 Coke, 11:30 Sprite, 4:30 Fanta, 8:00 Diabetes.  Way to be part of the problem, Wendy's. 

A few quick points about this stupid NFL Sunday Ticket Commercial

 

1.  I imagine that the average dolphin has a longer attention span than the current generation of idiot Americans who surf everything except waves.

2.  I don't care how many games you can watch at the same time with NFL Sunday Ticket, there is zero reason why any of them should be the Dolphins.

3.  Maybe you could be doing something other than trying to watch four games at once while warming your backside on that couch.  I've noticed a lot of deals on Peloton being aired during commercial breaks along with this ad.  Just a thought.

Lexus December to Remember Hell is back, and it's worse than ever

This time, we see an adorable girl who for some reason waited until literally the last second to send her Wish List to Santa, probably because she knows that everyone in her life will bend over backwards to turn that frown upside down/ avoid the inevitable (but, again, adorable) tantrum that might come if Our Special Princess is disappointed for more than three consecutive seconds.

So we see the entire family get in on the act of Promoting Harmony Uber Alles, with Uncle Somebody Who Obviously Has No Children of His Own attempting to pull a I'll Deliver Your Letter to the North Pole with my Own LookatMeMobile Don't You Fret Precious Darling but having the letter snatched out of his hands by an Evil Wind which really ought to be biting the skin of some poor working slob and leaving the .001 percent alone.

Fortunately, the contents of the letter was read by someone who has no respect for the Little Girl's privacy but a steely determination to avoid a scene on Christmas Morning, so the piano Entitled Little Angel asked for is delivered safe and sound to Mommy and Daddy's ridiculous mansion in the mountains, where there is always a blanket of snow outside for these holidays because the local ski resort has machines for such things if nature doesn't do it's damn job and pony up.  Man is this relatable or what?

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet.  Strap in, folks.  

Infinitely Awful

 

Clueless Male Boss calls an employee who is NOT ON THE CLOCK to ask "where are those files," and for some reason Brilliant Fun Female Employee feels compelled to not only answer the phone, but to "isolate" the conversation so that Clueless Male Boss can't hear the horrible antics of the sixteen Cool Friends Being As White As Humanly Possible she's carting around for some reason in her ridiculously oversized LookAtMeMobile.

Personally, I would not have answered the phone at all.  This woman is not at work.  It looks like she and her friends are dressed up for a night on the town.  Obviously the job pays good money, but I don't think it pays enough to make her available 24/7.  But even if I did answer the phone, I wouldn't spend five seconds worrying about the guy on the other hand hearing my friends singing- and this "isolation" feature is 100 percent for the benefit of the person on the other end of the line; it doesn't do a thing to help the driver not hear the apparently-already-drunk idiots in the back while she's trying to hear the call.

Naturally, the files are in Clueless Male Boss's desk, which I guess is a little better than finding out that they are ON his desk or in his left hand; I would not have been even the slightest bit surprised if either were the original punchline before the writers decided to tone it down a bit.  One problem solved, but one problem remains:  I am more than a little concerned that the driver is clearly very eager to be distracted from maneuvering her Infinite Conspicuous Consumption Ego Purchase, be it by turning around to grin at her idiot friends or by taking phone calls from Clueless Male Boss.  Keep your eyes and your brain on the road, stupid woman.  Especially when you are driving a vehicle that looks like it could crush the small village the monthly payments could have fed. 

It was the 8 percent that wasn't detected that killed him, but at least he did it His Way.*

 Look, I get that colonoscopies aren't fun to prep for and we all have much, much better things to do than drink disgusting liquid, sit on the toilet, and then go through a procedure that is really, really nasty if we think about it for more than five seconds and which leaves us exhausted and depressed no matter what the test results are.  But can we please all just get a grip?  Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, the procedure is also 100 percent covered by insurance.  It's extremely important for early screening of colon cancer, and is only necessary once every ten years as long as the test comes up clean.  

(Not that you're going to convince me that this guy doesn't have a primary care provider and plenty of medical insurance.  Give me a break.)

In other words, maybe it's something we shouldn't avoid just because it's a dreadful 72 hours or so out of our lives once a decade.  Maybe it's not something we should cut corners on.  Maybe it's not something that should take a back seat to convenience.  Not to mention- if the test comes back positive, you are advised to get an actual colonoscopy.  Which is exactly the same advice I'd give you if your test came back negative.

I'm not going to clean my own teeth or fill my own cavities.  If I ever decide I want to jump out of an airplane, I'm not going to try to save a few bucks with a gently-used parachute off Facebook Marketplace.  When I go for therapy, I'll go for therapy- and that means, I'm not checking out Better Health because it's more "easy" and "convenient."  And when it comes to cancer screenings, I'm not taking the easy way out with this stupid nonsense.  I think life's too short, but if there's a market for this stuff, that means there's plenty of guys out there who think that life isn't short enough.

*Frank Sinatra died of bladder cancer, by the way.  I wonder how far along it was before it was detected. 

Walmart "Deals of Desire" Ad. It's really a lot less complicated than this

 

Black Friday ads are successful when they convince us that we would be stupid not to take advantage of a "bargain" and will deeply regret not taking advantage of that "bargain" in the allegedly very, very limited time that "bargain" exists.  A truly successful ad will convince us to buy something we didn't even know we wanted and aren't at all sure we need because of the discounted price; if it looks like enough of a "steal," we'll buy it now and figure out whether we want or need it later.  The IMPORTANT thing is to GET it before someone else does and we are left with that heavy blanket of regret that comes with the sense of Lost Opportunity.  These days the cool kids call this Fear of Missing Out, or FOMO.

In short, the psychology of Black Friday is Buy Now, Think Later, and encourages to do something that Capitalism pretty much always encourages us to do- follow our first impulse, which is to consume.  It's just sold to us more aggressively on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  I know people who consider that day to be every bit as much a holiday as that Thursday of food, family and football which serves as Black Friday Eve.  

On Black Friday, it's especially easy to forget an old piece of advice another part of the world:  Two Indian Elephants for a quarter is a good deal, if you have a quarter and you need two Indian Elephants.  Otherwise, not so much.  But I imagine that a whole lot of people will be stocking up on Indian Elephants a few Fridays from now, because impulse buying is the favorite past time of people who can't stop complaining about inflation; square that circle if you can. 

Finally, an honest Gambling App Ad. And another rant.

 

I thought that this was more than worth sharing.

I see a lot of excellent YouTube videos concerning the real dangers of online gambling, and even the best ones miss an important point I'd like to address here.  Pretty much all of them point out that "the House always wins," meaning that the creators of the App aren't in the business of giving away money any more than any for-profit industry is.  Every offer to gamble is going to be carefully calibrated to assure the very best chance for the company to come out a winner.  There are built-in safeguards to prevent too many people from winning on any one bet.  Simply put, the odds are always stacked in favor of the person offering the bet.

But what I don't see any of them point out that every single gambler's momentary win represents a loss for many, many other gamblers.  We really need to realize that when gamblers use these apps to make bets, they aren't really betting against the house at all- they are betting against their fellow addicts.  Of course, you'll never see ads mention this, and I'm sure that most people engaged in online gambling think that they are trying to win money from the guy who created DraftKings or whatever they happen to be using to get their adrenaline fix, and not some anonymous dope who (this time) bet the other way.  In other words, all these companies to do move money around, stripping poor-luck Peter to pay winner-of-the-moment Paul while taking a healthy cut for themselves.  

Oh, and one more thing to all the dopes out there who are even thinking about "getting in on the fun:"  Please note the number of commercials you see for gambling apps during any given sporting event.  Check out how many complete programs are sponsored ENTIRELY by gambling apps.  Then ask yourself, "where does all that ad money come from?"  Here's a hint:  it doesn't come from the people who win bets.  That airtime featuring those pyrotechnics isn't cheap.  Neither are David Ortiz and Jamie Foxx and those other anything-for-a-buck celebrities.  So where are DraftKings, etc. getting all that cash to buy so much time on your television?  Figure it out yet?

Nothing Progressive about these awful Ageist "Don't become your parents" ads

 

None of these terrible commercials have anything to do with insurance and everything to do with poking "harmless" fun at us Silly Old People and our Silly Old People ways.

Look at all the social errors this guy is making in the elevator- first, he assures everyone that there's plenty of room.  As if this wasn't horrible enough, he proceeds to attempt small talk with total strangers instead of staring at his phone Like You're Supposed To and like he would if he wasn't Turning Into His Father.  And to put the cherry on this boorish sundae, he has the actual gall to make eye contact with his fellow passengers instead of doing the only dignified thing left once he's failed to stare at his phone- keep his eyes frozen to the elevator doors while keeping his silly, Oh My God How Old Is This Guy mouth shut. 

Hopefully, his re-education will be a success and he'll stop being affable like a moron born before 1980 or something.  He'll keep that phone fully charged so he has an excuse not to hold the elevator doors open for people who won't notice because unless they are also silly people Old Before Their Time or- even worse- Just Plain Old.  And he will do his best to melt into the background and keep that silly mouth shut as the elevator moves.  Until then he could find himself in regular danger of engaging in conversation, which I think used to be called human contact, which I'm told by television is wrong and bad and something only stupid all-but-in-the-grave weirdos like me see as anything but grotesque. 

By "don't become your parents," this particular ad means don't be friendly or express interest in anyone else.  I have a better idea for the current generation:  maybe take a critical look at what you are being told "not" to do and ask "um, why not, exactly?  Like what I'm doing right now is making a superior world?"  

This iPhone Commercial encourages us to be even more isolated and incapable of conversation

 

This girl with a very punchable face has a rather interesting reaction to making eye contact with someone she recognizes but whose name she cannot remember- she instantly ducks back into the next room.  We can only imagine what that guy is thinking- "hey, there's a girl I have met before- oh, what happened?  She saw me and instantly dived into the next room.  Does she owe me money, or what?"

Because just approaching and saying "hi, I know we met at the Wingate party a few months ago- I'm sorry, but your name isn't popping into my head right now" and just being reminded by an actual carbon-based life form is unthinkable, right?  Makes much more sense to jump out of the scene and consult that electronic device that might as well be surgically attached to your hand.  Never mind that if this guy knows this tech exists, it will take him all of twenty seconds to figure out why you acted like a toddler who touched her hand to a hot stove when you first made eye contact- and it's not just because you have access to this tech.  It's because tech like this has turned you into a literal toddler who can't function without the bells and whistles that come with your iPhone.

This girl's generation is so sad.  

Another non-Progressive Progressive Commercial. This one could even be considered Dangerous.

 

I mean, I don't get this AT ALL.

The first guy is, as near as I can tell, attempting to get rid of a wasp's nest in the dumbest, most ineffective, most potentially dangerous way imaginable:  By waiting for it to become absolutely enormous (seriously, was the homeowner on vacation for a month in the middle of the summer?  How do you miss this?) and then standing on a ladder in the middle of a sunny day and spraying it with a can of Raid or something.   For some reason- I'm guessing Because TV- the wasps are not acting like wasps and attacking him as he sprays it. 

Meanwhile, the guy's wife- who is obviously trying to get rid of him so she be with her boyfriend and cash in the life insurance policy- cheers him on from a safe distance.  Great Life Partner you got there, buddy.

Eventually, hubby decides he can't get rid of the nest and hands the task off to a "backup"- who proceeds to go about dealing with the problem in EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.  Seriously.  There is NO difference between their strategies.  The backup isn't removing the wasp nest safely, showing up the first guy as a moron who didn't know what he was doing.  He just picks up where the first guy left off.  What the hell?

Of course, nobody who has actually had to deal with a wasp nest- especially a ridiculous made-for-TV wasp fortress like this one- would ever try to remove it in a way that could lead to serious injury or even death like these idiots are doing.  

If you insist on removing a wasp nest on your own rather than calling a professional, wait until well after sunset when the wasps are dormant or at least far less active.  Spray the nest from a safe distance while wearing thick clothing including gloves and safety goggles.  Then, cut the nest down so it drops into a heavy, sealable garbage bag.   Don't stand on a ladder in the middle of a bright sunny day wearing a t shirt spraying the nest with a weak stream of Raid as if the wasps won't react because home ownership didn't require an IQ test.  Unless you WANT to spend the rest of that bright sunny day in an ER.  Cripes.  I just can't with some of these. 

Uber Eats. Um...what did I just watch here?

 

After suffering through this idiot's internal monologue I was absolutely convinced that he was going to do the most American-on-Television thing imaginable:  he was going to order cooked food and pretend that he had grilled it himself.  Because while that's vastly more expensive than just cooking the food that he was supposed to cook, money has no real meaning in American TV commercials.  Certainly not when compared to Convenience.

But instead, it turns out that the guy was put in charge of the grill and given nothing to....umm, grill.  And yes, I know it's the guy who played Scott Pilgrim in a very forgettable movie that came out more than decade ago and I don't care.  I'm focusing on the fact that he was told to "man the grill" and I guess conjure up food out of the air or something.  

Realizing that he is living in 2024, he whips out his phone and orders groceries- hamburgers and buns, because the host of the party didn't think of buying them himself and also knows it's 2024 and if you find yourself without something these days you just order that something to appear within minutes using an app and your bottomless wallet.  The host's complete thoughtlessness and entitlement is swept under the rug because Scott Pilgrim can drop god knows how much money in a quick purchase and delivery of who-knows-how-many hamburger patties and buns, Carbon Footprint be Damned. 

Then he renders all of his work meaningless- not because he doesn't know the difference between a raw hamburger that is just sitting there and one that is cooking, not because he doesn't know how to turn on the grill or ask for help in doing so, but because he sticks his finger through one of the patties, letting anyone observing know that they should NOT be consuming food that he had anything to do with preparing.  

I'm sorry, but what planet am I living on?  Is this how things are done these days- you go to a party, get on your phone, and start arranging for desperately-trying-to-stay-afloat Delivery Monkeys to bring you food, utensils, cups, napkins, and all that other stuff that we used to shop for and have on hand BEFORE guests began to arrive?  What.  The Actual.  Hell.

And oh, by the way, don't forget to Vote Like Your Whole World Depends On It, because this time it really does. 

The Completely Unnecessary, yet totally expected, line in this stupid Behr Paint Commercial

 

I will give a little tip of the cap to Behr for picking two entirely normal-looking, relatable, unattractive actors to play the couple in this ad.  They are even the same race and of opposite sexes (can we even use the phrase "opposite sex" anymore?  Well, I can.  I'm a boomer.  I can say anything I want.)

But I'm not going to let that "I thought you researched this" line go by.  It's uncalled for- up until the moment it's uttered, this looks for all the world like a project these two decided to plan and carry out together.  But the moment a mistake is pointed out, we the audience must be told that for some reason, it's the guy's fault.  Picking out the best paint was HIS job- obviously, because it was done poorly.  He promised to "research this," and he either didn't "research this" or he researched it badly.  The brushes that were purchased are fine.  The color is fine.  Safe to assume that those were HER responsibility.  The wrong brand of paint was selected.  A mistake was made.  They could have both made that mistake- but this is an American TV Commercial, and that means when a mistake is made, and there's a guy available to hold responsible, that guy is being held responsible. 

There's really zero reason for the line.  They could look at each other and say "we should have researched this" or "we screwed up."  But we all knew that would NOT be the response.  We all knew that this was going to be Doofus Schlub Husband's fault because it's the 21st Century and as a society we still have to pay the price for all those dumb sexist ads of the 1950s, 60s and 70s because eventually a certain number or wrongs will add up to a Right, I guess.

There is zero smart about this commercial, or using Affirm

 

1.  Ridiculously opulent house considering the way the guy in this ad ends up using a Buy Now Pay Later service geared toward people who are living on the margins of financial ruin:*  Check.

2.  Precocious (read: nasty, obnoxious, punchable) little girl bleats criticism and marching orders to her - Uncle, I guess?- about getting the dance right if he's going to be in her Tiktok.  Why he wants to be in her Tiktok I don't know, but all that matters is that we get that awful little kid trope box ticked off.  Check.

3.  Punchline which makes no sense- this guy spent so much time trying to dance with the little girl for her Tiktok video, he has to soak his feet while sitting in a chair he does not yet own, which he has to buy with a Buy Now Pay Later service despite obviously* being able to use a credit card or even cash, and having no hope of actually getting that chair before his feet are no longer swollen from dancing.  Check.

*Or maybe this guy has an opulent house because he is another target demographic for this ad campaign:  People who desperately need to appear to be wealthier than they actually are by buying things that they really can't afford.  Or people who are addicted to the dopamine rush some get by purchasing things- ANY things.  Or just impulse buyers.  This guy could fit into any of those categories, especially the last one- I mean, seriously.  This guy doesn't already own a chair he can sit in while he soaks his feet?  Is he even going to remember why he bought that chair when it shows up?  He'll certainly be reminded every few weeks when those "easy" payments keep getting deducted from his bank account.  

Not smart.  Not smart at all.