For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece. She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)
Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end. Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England.
Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week. We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today. I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person. The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)
Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!
Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco. Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society. This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it.
I just wish he wouldn't vote. Stop voting, idiot. Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare. You'll benefit, believe me.
So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives.
Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares? And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos! It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really. That's not at all interesting. I really don't care. Is this a national campaign? How many times am I gonna be on TV?"
All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably. Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live. By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season? Did he die? He died, didn't he?
I mean, I think it's unintentional...but maybe the lack of sound is not an error in posting? Maybe the silence is supposed to ramp up the drama?
As it is, seeing this guy act like he's on the verge of un-aliving himself because he has to make a decision concerning paint colors leaves me very, very concerned. Like, never mind owning a business- I'm not sure that you're ready for Adulthood yet, buddy. It's not a big deal. Go with green. Green's nice. And if it's not your decision- if the client changed her mind on the colors she wanted, well, sorry but this cannot be the biggest headache you'll ever face as a sainted Small Business Owner. Again, you might not be ready for this whole Adulting thing. You sure as HELL aren't ready to run a business.
When don't have money but you have credit, you use a credit card.
When you don't have money or a credit card but you do have a job, you go to American Acceptance.*
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job but you do have a car, you go to the Title Loan place.
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job or a car, you start bringing your belongings to the Pawn Shop.
Eventually, when you have nothing but debts and no way to raise money, I guess you turn to crime or the bitter charity of your friends, neighbors and relatives.
Wherever you are on this list, you do NOT walk around with a stupid smile on your face as if you are dealing with temporary, easily-manageable problems.** Your life is crap.
*Better hurry, though. The lawsuits against this particular company are beginning to pile up. The biggest issue seems to be hidden fees and outrageous interest rates, whodathunkit?
**Seriously, buddy, stop grinning. You have NOTHING to be happy about.
So it turned out that all those "banks" that cater to the one percent were lying to me- my credit score, the result of never paying my bills on time, racking up huge debts on various pieces of plastic and eventually declaring bankruptcy, and basically being a complete deadbeat for years doesn't matter when it comes to buying a new car! As long as I've got a job with a regular paycheck that can be garnished/seized when I inevitably fail to pay for the current big purchase I want and therefore need because I want, I can get a car just like the other grownups!
I just need to come up with an $800 down payment, which I can get with a quick call to Fast Cash or QCPawn.com or Cashpoint or any number of Instant Money No Catch Unless You Consider Ridiculous Interest Rates To Be a Catch services. And I won't have to deal with negotiations and calls to banks and all that annoying stuff once I find the car that makes me look good in the neighborhood; in thirty minutes I can be driving off with a car because the biggest Buy Here Pay Here dealership in Nashville handles it's own financing. I understand that every franchised dealership in the United States also has financing but that has nothing to do with me because my stupid credit score locks me out of those places.
This place treats me like a real person. A real poor, desperate, economically illiterate person. A person who thinks they are doing me a favor when they take my $800 and have me sign a contract locking me into a $800 per month, 84 month payment plan at 39.9% interest which maybe sounds kind of bad but today I only need $800. And a place to hide this car from the repo guy in a few months when Real Life hits me in the face again.
...and I have been a BIG fan of boxing for forty years.
Seven years ago, Deontay Wilder was the George Foreman of the modern era. The guy went 40-0 with 39 knockouts in his first decade in the pros, with the great majority of those fights ending inside of three rounds. The fact that he threw off-balance windmill punches you could see coming from a mile away didn't seem to matter, mainly because he was in the ring against tomato cans, most of whom began to look for a comfortable spot on the canvas to lay down from the opening bell.
Then, in 2018, he began to face actual professional heavyweight boxers, and the chinks in the armor became obvious. In winning his first belt he could not knock down or even seriously hurt a terrified, 100 percent defensive-minded Bermane Stiverne in winning a lopsided 12-round decision. Then he struggled to finish Luis Ortiz in ten rounds. And at the end of the year, in his first fight against an actual skilled fighter, he was lucky to get a draw against Tyson Fury, a blubbery, rusty, aging ex-champ looking to make a comeback after gaining fifty pounds and spiraling into alcohol-fueled depression.
Since that first Tyson fight, Wilder is 3-4 (1-4 in his last five fights) and has been knocked out (each time quite brutally) three times. He hasn't fought since last June, when he was pole-axed in five rounds by a guy who went on to be KO'd in his very next fight. The general consensus after that disaster was that Wilder's legs were gone, his balance was gone, his chin was gone, and he needed to just walk away from the sport which made him very wealthy before he found himself going down an all-too-familiar road for practitioners of the Sweet Science: In pursuit of One More Big Payday, becoming a punching bag and eventually dying young and broke and not in full command of one's faculties.
In a few days, Wilder- who once headlined Pay-per-View cards in Nevada, New York and the new capital of heavyweight boxing, Riyadh, will step into the ring in that famous Mecca of American Championship Boxing, Wichita, to take on Tyrell Anthony Herndon, a clubfighter with a record of 24-5 who has been stopped four times in his five losses. Somehow this is being sold as a Pay-per-View event despite being only marginally more legitimate than a Jake Paul "fight." Such is the power of a Name in this sport- the name being "Wilder" of course, since nobody knows who Tyrell Anthony Herndon is except that he's exactly the kind of fighter Wilder feasted on BEFORE he became a belt holder.
Other than a quick paycheck, it's hard to see what Wilder is getting out of this (and I'm quite certain that Herndon expects absolutely NOTHING other than the quick paycheck, except to wake up the next day with a bad headache and possibly a sore back from hitting the canvas at an awkward angle sometime in the first three minutes of the "fight.") But I'm afraid that he's aiming for another, bigger fight down the road with an actual professional who will batter him to a pulp but make his bank account fatter in the process.
It's said that boxers are the very worst among sports professionals at knowing when the tank is empty and it's time to hang it up and enjoy the kids and grandkids. There are endless examples of ex-stars who flamed out and fought on long after the glory had faded because it was all that they knew or had blown through their money with no thought for tomorrow. I'm afraid that Deontay Wilder is just the latest chapter in the saddest cliche of sports. For his sake, and for the sake of his wife and kids, I hope that he just wants to go out a winner and after he's plastered this guy Herndon this weekend he finds peace and something else to do with his brain. I'm not optimistic though. As I said, I've seen this movie many times and I know how it usually ends.
One of the very first commercials I covered in this blog-- way back in 2009-- was a radio ad for Blue Hippo, the amazing "service" that allowed people with bad or no credit to acquire laptop computers and printers with "easy, low" bimonthly payments (usually around $39.) Thousands of people signed up get these laptops and ended up paying massive markups for computers* that were outdated way before they were paid for- and that's if they were ever paid for, or ever even received.** Because as it turned out, the laptops were not sent out until a certain number of payments had been made (to build a "credit history") and many were never sent out at all. Almost nobody*** got the "free printer" that was "thrown in" to the "deal" because that didn't come until EVERY payment was made and sometimes not even then.
In short, Blue Hippo was a giant scam advertised on YouTube, late-night TV, terrestrial and satellite radio, etc. which sucked money out of the people who could least afford it and whose credit was so bad they couldn't even rent a laptop at the local Aaron's or Rent-A-Center. Yeah, that bad.
Comments are unlocked for this video, yet there are no comments. Which makes me think that Blue Hippo is a moment in time that everyone involved would like to forget. I apologize if this post triggers anyone, but I think it's important to note that while Blue Hippo is dead and gone the offers of expensive items to people with lousy or no credit is very much alive and well.
*That desktop monitor at 22 seconds in is hilariously huge.
**In 2009 Blue Hippo, Inc. was charged by the FTC with collecting more than $15 million in payments without sending out a single computer. The owner of Blue Hippo filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the Attorneys General of Maryland and West Virginia filed suits, and the company was ultimately ordered to pay restitution in the amount of $14 million to defrauded customers.
*** It's entirely possible that not ONE SINGLE CUSTOMER ever got this printer.
I mean, there is simply no way that anyone finds this commercial even remotely funny....but just look at the comments. Are these bots? Are they being ironic? Are these people just insane? Am I insane for "not getting it?"
Why would the scent of Downy fabric softener make anyone develop a weird muscle twitch? Why would this be a SELLING point for Downy? Isn't there a prescription medication being advertised that deals with pretty much this exact issue? Does whatever evil chemical company that sells Downy also produce that drug?* Am I being a conspiracy theorist here?**
Why is everyone such an idiot now?
*It's Proctor and Gamble.
**Proctor and Gamble specializes in "health and beauty products," but as near as I can tell does not produce pharmaceuticals. Doesn't mean there's not a conspiracy here. Which means, there's a conspiracy here.
I couldn't find a commercial for this site, probably because it doesn't buy ads anywhere; not even on YouTube. This online "mall" has been in existence for all of a month and "sells" everything from wellness products to those robot puppies which don't look a thing like the AI-generated images used to pitch them.
All indications are that Solymall is just another drop-shipping site which sells overpriced trash produced in a sketchy factory in Urban Southeast Asia to an unsuspecting- no, let's stop being charitable- gullible American public which thinks that ten dollars here equals a hundred dollars over there which explains how "hand-crafted" robot animals, "crystal" coffee mugs, infrared light muscle massagers, etc. can be put on the market for a fraction of what you'd pay in a store if they ever even tried to sell this crap in a store. Through the magic of AI imagery and a public dumb enough to elect Donald Trump TWICE, barrel-scrapers like Solymall can dump the cheapest plastic garbage into the Bloated, Stupid West because Americans can not be convinced that Asians aren't desperate to slave away to produce high-quality stuff for us because they need whatever we can spare. And because Americans are really, really dumb.
You aren't going to be getting a lifelike robot bunny or a crystal coffee mug that looks like stacked books or anything else for 70% off through Solymall. You are going to get cheap crap that isn't even worth the pittance you sent. And when you complain, you'll find that Solymall is unresponsive or- just as likely- nonexistent, having changed it's name but not it's mission. You don't think Solymall is the original name of this site, do you?
1. Did I really see this clown slap away a guy's hand using a spatula? Guys don't do things like that. Nobody should do anything like that. And this is just the first instance of "who the hell does this guy think he is?" in this ad.
2. Why can't this guy take a burger when he wants to take a burger? Why are we on the cook's schedule? Guys don't do things like this. Nobody should do things like this.
3. Why is the chef staring at his beer like he's never seen one before?
What if the guest wants his hamburger medium rare, or just pink, or cooked the way HE WANTS IT COOKED AND NOT HOW THE CHEF WANTS IT COOKED? Who the hell is going to eat that hamburger? Next time, just take the freaking hamburger and don't ask and if the chef slaps your hand away with a spatula ask him what his freaking deal is and why he's acting like he started drinking beer long before you or any of the other guests arrived.
"Why pay $839 for an air conditioner when you can pay $879 for this scam plus an air conditioner you put in once you realize that this thing is a scam?"
Seriously, how dumb do you have to be to think that this thing is going to do even one-tenth of what the ad says it will do? Last time I checked, a little fan + water doesn't equal cool air, it equals humidity. And you can make it light up in different colors? So what? Since when is the lack of neon anyone's problem with an air conditioner?
And how stupid do you have to believe that this stupid crapbox is going to accomplish anything plugged in outside on a hot day other than spiking your electric bill? And why does that little girl act as if she's never breathed before and is enjoying the experience for the first time ever now that her mom has spent forty bucks on a box fan you add water to? What the hell is going on here, anyway?
Oh right- what's going on here is an unintentionally funny Not Sold in Stores ad for a product only people who don't know how physics works would spend money on. People who think that $40 plus shipping for one piece of worthless trash is a bit pricey but two for $40 Just pay Shipping and Handling is a Steal. Those kind of people. You know, morons.
Am I the only person thoroughly disgusted by the use of language like "meet the new iPhone" and "say hello to the new iPhone" as if this piece of glass, metal and electronics is a sentient being that is going to be a true and trusted friend, every bit a part of my life as parents, siblings and other human forms that used to be part of people's lives until they were replaced by glowing boxes?
Does it not help at all that we see a person staring at their screen while in the driver's seat of a car? Is it even less helpful to note that there are literally thousands of Tiktokers who regularly post while actually driving their cars?
I don't want to "meet" the 16th version of your new phone, Apple. I've never owned an iPhone and don't intend to ever own one. Yes, I do have a Smartphone but it's something I purchased. I didn't "meet" it and I sure as hell never said "hello" to it because it's a freaking tool- kind of like the person who came up with this stupid, overproduced pile of garbage you call a commercial.
So I flew SW Airlines twice last week, and I've got some things to say. First, I'm going to slam the airlines, and then I'm going to take on the customers who deserve no better (I am the exception.)
1. I signed in online literally thirty seconds after getting the 24-hour notice to do so- and was assigned to the B group with the number of 15. Which means that somehow, seventy-five people managed to get in before me. This is simply not possible. And it's not that a bunch of people paid extra to get bumped up in line- there simply was no time for that. Plus, I actually RESERVED AND PAID FOR the seat back in FEBRUARY. So what the hell, SW? Is this just random or what?
(The steward joked that "C means center"- more about this in a moment- but in my experience, B means the same thing.)
2. It should not take half an hour for bags to move from plane to carousel. I know they fly free (more about THIS in a moment) but that doesn't mean that they should stay on the plane gathering dust while we customers wait....and wait...and wait...at the carousel.
Ok, now about the customers, who are just the most awful human beings ever and should be sentenced to wait at a SW Airlines carousel forever and always:
1. While on line, we were told- repeatedly- that if we were in group B with a number higher than ten or so there would be no more room for bags so we needed to CHECK OUR BAGS AT THE GATE. Seriously, I think the announcement was made five times and pointedly- like, "we aren't kidding, you aren't going to be able to put your bags in the overhead." So what happens when we are getting settled? At least a dozen people from my section and group C drag their big suitcases onto the plane and need to have them collected and removed and tagged, delaying our departure. What the actual hell, people? BAGS FLY FREE. Just CHECK YOUR FREAKING BAG IT WILL BE OK MORE THAN THREE FEET AWAY FROM YOU FOR A FEW HOURS.
2. Nobody wants to sit in a middle seat. Many, many passengers will simply have to sit in a middle seat. Wandering around the plane is not going to create a window seat and you sure as hell aren't going to find an aisle seat. Nobody is going to volunteer that seat you want. Sit. The hell. Down. In. A Middle. Seat. It will be Ok. It's only a few hours.
If SW Air Customers don't want to be treated like cattle, well, maybe stop acting like a bunch of dumb cows. Personally, I took a middle seat right up front between two very decent people who I will never see again and really can't remember now, less than 24 hours later. I got off the plane quickly because I was in the front. Yes, I had to wait for my bag at that carousel but so did you if you were in group B or C and I checked my bag beforehand and didn't make a royal pain of myself being obstinate and obsessive about it. What gets into these people?
...is that it's the only place to walk around during breaks if you are working at the Kansas City Convention Center. Of the cities I've visited to grade APUSH essays since 2008- Louisville, Tampa, and now Kansas City- the walking in this city is by far the worst. At least, it's the worst from the Convention Center, where I will be from 8 to 5 every day for six days next week.
Louisville has a nice waterfront and a minor league ballpark within a few minutes walk of its Convention Center. Tampa has an awesome River Walk complete with palm trees. Kansas City has-- Kansas City. Yes, there is a nice walking path behind the World War I museum, which is next door to my hotel, which is fine for early evening unless I want dinner, which means I have to plan to be back at the Center more than a mile away. But during lunch breaks? Forget it. The maze of wide hallways within the building is the best I can do unless I want to walk through an ugly gray urban landscape, stopping for walk lights every minute or so.
Kansas City is where I appreciate the hotel gym the most, and that gets four stars out of four from me at least. But I do miss taking the air as they used to say and which was one of the real advantages of Louisville and Tampa. Anyway, I'll be back the second week of June, please enjoy the archives while I'm away. And click an ad if you are feeling generous; if I'm going to watch commercials, they might as well provide me a little revenue, right?
Crumbl "Cookies" aren't even "cookies"- they are cakes. The company called Crumbl Cookies releases a new flavor of cake every single week and ships them out to their cult members....errr, customers, who are so super-dedicated to these thick, heavy piles of sugar that they rush to Reddit and YouTube, etc. to gush all over them whenever a new vid pops up.
These cakes have been compared to "fast fashion"- because the variety is so huge, and because the release dates are always on the way, the fan base locks in to the routine of weekly cookie delivery like wealthy people look forward to the latest clothing showing up. When I look at the nutrition label, I think of them more like the dependable delivery of drugs right to your door, because oh my god are these things terrible for your body. Crumbl "cookies" can have up to 900 calories each and are stuffed full of cholesterol and sugar. They are something you might want to eat on your birthday or as desert on Thanksgiving. Weekly deliveries? Ick.
And if you don't care about your health, well, what about your wallet? These things run, on average, five dollars each. Five dollars. For a COOKIE. Oh, but you can have them delivered to your door in packs of six for $22.99. And if you are getting weekly deliveries of six cookies, please tell me that at least a dozen people are going to be helping you consume those cookies.
The first thing I thought when I saw these cookies was "ok, just another version of Cinnabon." The average Cinnabon cake has about the same number of calories as one of these Crumbl products. But it's not a great idea to eat Cinnabon on a regular basis, either. Yet apparently millions of people adore these cookies, order these cookies, consume these cookies, and FOLLOW these cookies on multiple social media platforms* like they are Taylor Swift or something. What is the matter with you people?
*check out the comments on this YouTube ad. Yes, I meant to use the word "cult." Again- what is the matter with you people? It's a freaking overpriced, unhealthy mountain of fat and sugar. Not the second coming of The Beatles.
On this Memorial Day Weekend it seems especially fitting to focus on the company that claims that it's overpriced pieces of Junk on Wheels are "Patriotic" because eighty years ago vastly different versions were used to defeat the Nazis or something.
But then again, Jeep is constantly asking us to ignore the fact that these boxes of glitchy garbage get consistently poor ratings across the board and just focus on the word PATRIOT ostentatiously stamped into the side in raised letters. That and the WWII imagery and the constantly waving American flags are supposed to distract us from the craptacular depreciation numbers and constant breakdowns caused by next-level Planned Obsolescence. And to ignore the fact that the current Jeep Patriot Sport Whatever is an SUV, not a "Jeep" by any traditional measure. The only "Jeep" thing about it is the word stamped on the side.
I could go out today and buy a brand new Jeep Patriot at my local dealer for $54,000. Or, I could buy a 2016 version with 69,000 miles on it for $9000. Remember what I said about "depreciation?" Or I could buy TWO brand-new Honda SUVs for the same price. Or I could just appreciate my current Honda Civic and take a bike ride. Guess how I'm going to Remember the Fallen this weekend?
*but only if the scoundrel wants to be left stranded while his refuge is in the shop. Again.
1. Katie W. hasn't got the slightest idea what the Director of the US Mint does in his daily job, but it sure sounds like it's something super-important and a responsibility that would only be given to a person who knows a LOT about money. It probably wouldn't even bother her to know that it's traditionally been a spoils system job given to a party hack in payment of political favors. It also probably wouldn't even bother her that of the 40 people who have served in the capacity of Director of the the US Mint, Philip N. Diehl is the ONLY one whose image is not available for the Wikipedia page listing past directors- and there's no image on his Wiki page, either. Makes me wonder if the guy being shown in the ads is an actor....
2. I notice that the name "Philip N. Diehl" shows up on the screen as a serious, sober-looking Corporate Type out of Central Casting strolls by in front of Probably an Important Government Building Even Though Diehl left his directorship a quarter-century ago but never speaks, leaving a great deal of plausible deniability. IS that Mr. Diehl? We aren't actually told. This is getting weird.
3. Katie W. thinks that gold coins are unique in that they are "tangible" and obviously thinks they are pretty because look she is playing with them with her grandchildren who are going to find this interesting for another 12 seconds before they remember why they hate visiting grandma. Property is also tangible, grandma.
4. Does anyone believe that if they call the 800 number to discuss the purchase of gold coins, the guy on the other end of the line is going to be a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing a business suit who has instant physical access to actual gold coins that he can touch and hold up and describe in detail while he has you on the phone? Is this REALLY how you picture every phone call to US Money Reserve, Katie W? Do you also think that an actual human being is reminding you to listen carefully because the menu options have changed? You already have a reverse mortgage because you trust in the integrity of that nice Tom Selleck, guy, don't you? I mean he's a retired private investigator, he must know all about mortgages, right?
It's almost quaint to see an iPhone commercial featuring a voice explaining actually HELPFUL things one can do with their phones, like finding where one parked their car (just keep making the phones easier and easier to use, because that car-finding thing is most helpful to seniors who are, incidentally, the least like demographic to be in the market for an iPhone.)
Of course, this ad is also telling us that as the iPhone improves it will be capable of doing more and more of the thinking for us, allowing our brains to atrophy so we can become more and more dependent on iPhones. And there will be more and more ways to waste the brain cells we still have playing dumb games with each new update and each new App.
Eventually, we'd get apps for shopping and "gaming" (which used to mean losing an hour playing Candy Crush and Angry Birds but now means losing the rent at DraftKings.) And ordering takeout at a 30 percent markup. And watching stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And doing it all while sitting. Lots and lots of sitting.
Two decades later, I'm not sure that Apple* has improved our lives any, and in fact I'm pretty sure it's been a destructive influence. But I don't think we get to complain that we weren't warned.
*maybe a silver lining is that once the tariffs hit, we'll have less money to gamble away? I'll leave that idea to the weirdos who think that they can find the bright side to every situation. I'm not one of them.
1. "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?) Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.
2. "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers. Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more. Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.
3. Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it? No, because Fools and their Money and all that. I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*
*You may, indeed, have another. And another. And another. There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic" you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."
Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?
So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time. Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)
This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post. Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)
This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app. I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."
Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck. Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands. But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it. Right?
Houston Astrosright-handerLance McCullers Jr.said he and his family were the subjects of death threats made on social media after he allowed seven runs as part of a 10-run first inning for theCincinnati Redson Saturday night.
A team spokesperson said the Astros notified the Houston Police Department and Major League Baseball security about the threats.
"I understand people are very passionate and people love the Astros and love sports, but threatening to find my kids and murder them is a little bit tough to deal with," McCullers said. "So just as a father, I think there have been many, many threats over the years aimed at me, mostly, and I think actually one or two people from other issues around baseball actually had to go to jail for things like that. But I think bringing kids into the equation, threatening to find them or next time they see us in public they're going to stab my kids to death, things like that, it's tough to hear as a dad."
Notice what is NOT mentioned here (or anywhere in the full article, please feel free to check it out on ESPN.com?) Any hint that the death threats may be coming from gamblers who have lost money betting on McCullers' appearances on the mound. No, those threats just couldn't be coming from people who have lost money - they must be from people who "love sports" and "love the Astros" and are just "passionate" about the game.
Why can't ESPN even acknowledge the gigantic, multi-billion dollar elephant in the room? Well, how could they? It's a major revenue stream. And as we all know, it's very easy for people to ignore something obvious if their income depends on their ability to ignore that something.
Sooner or later, ESPN BET and all of the other gambling platforms- as well as the celebrities who pimped out their credibility to pitch this life-ruining addiction and major league sports across the board- will have blood on their hands and will certainly respond with raised hands, a Pikachu face and a lame "nobody saw this coming, thoughts and prayers" bit of legal boilerplate. Because in the end, Capitalism is the only real morality and after all check out the very, very fine print at the bottom of all of these commercials. Butt, Covered.
1. Am I supposed to know who this young woman is? I looked it up, and it turns out that she's an Olympic Gymnast. Ok. I'm going to ask again- am I supposed to know who this young woman is?
2. Am I supposed to believe that a black guy working in the shoe section at a Dick's Sporting Goods would quickly recognize an Asian Female Gymnast like she's LeBron James or Pat Mahomes? I can suspend disbelief for some advertisements but this is a bridge too far, and we're not even at the worst part of the ad yet.
3. This woman can do a back flip. So can this guy, who I'm going to go out on a limb and guess is not an Olympic Gymnast. She responds to his feat by saying "that's cute," and then enlists CGI to defy gravity and show us once again that American Television is more than willing to toss physics aside in the service of showing up a guy in a contest* with a woman.
What is this ad trying to sell me again?
*a contest he didn't even know he was in. Without being prompted, this woman just barged in on a guy's work area and did a back flip. So he showed he could do one too. Instead of just acknowledging that he could do a blackflip, she decided to use computer magic to grind him into the dirt where I guess he belongs for daring to be able to do a backflip. Where is the part where I'm supposed to be inspired to buy sneakers or anything else from Dick's Sporting Goods? I mean, what the hell?
This one features the recently-passed George Foreman, who was worth more than $100 million when he died and did not need the check he got shilling for this lousy business, and certainly didn't need to worry about paying for home repairs. The people who buy in to this nonsense non-coverage certainly DO have to worry about sudden repair bills, and the very last thing they need is to be throwing money away on trash like "Home Warranties" which turn out to be every bit as worthless as Car Warranties (which, by the way, are no doubt sold by the same companies.)
Foreman sold his image to fake not-Medicare insurance, too, proving once again that for some people there is simply no such thing as Enough Money. I hope he enjoyed the quick payday and it landed with a splash when he threw it on the pile. Wherever he is, it's doing him precious little good now, isn't it? Meanwhile, yeah, those appliances will break and that roof will leak. I suggest a dedicated bank account to deal with such emergencies. I also suggest you ignore ads like this, regardless of which electric grill salesman is doing the pitching.
Stellantis- the multinational umbrella corporation for Chrysler which has owned Jeep since 1987 (did you get all that?) produces some of the very worst-rated motor vehicles sold in the United States. They are built entirely or almost entirely within the United States, which I guess allows Stellantis to peddle their purchase as some kind of patriotic act, complete with a very expensive spokesperson who actually owns a Jeep (along with a lot of other vehicles he can drive when that Jeep is in the shop. Very relatable.)
Besides producing this overpriced crap (the Grand Cherokee seems to be a particularly buggy model) and fending off class-action lawsuits from angry customers, Stellantis also produces such notorious garbage as Fiat and Alfa Romero- all gloss and glitter, no dependability. The company has become a punchline among car enthusiasts the way Ford (the company, not the actor*) was in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s...oh heck, it's still a punchline.
*come to think of it, Harrison Ford's last big release was Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, which bombed hard, suggesting that he's no better at choosing film products than in choosing all-terrain vehicles. I bet the check for doing this ad is more than enough to pay the repair bill when the next piece of plastic on that Jeep breaks, though.
I could go all day, every day, without seeing repeated close-ups of these idiots- or ANY idiots- aggressively biting into greasy hamburgers as if some vendetta against bread and meat is being settled. Why are they attacking these cholesterol delivery systems rather than simply eating them? And why did one of these guys arrive with the burgers as if he committed a heist instead of just making a quick run to the Wendy's drive-thru? And who thought that showing these guys attacking their "food" to the sound of orchestra riffs would be entertaining or interesting or make the product look one bit less repulsive??
Why do they both look so angry?
Why are the bots in the comment section even more obvious than usual? I mean, come on. Nobody thinks this ad is good. Nobody.
I would like the option to zoom in on this commercial, touch the screen, and have it completely erased from my memory forever. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, and I know I'm going to see it again so I'll have to make repeated use of that option because someone over at Apple thought that this was a good idea.
What the actual hell am I even watching this person do? Why is the other person taking these photos? Why is the subject of the photos so irritated that the person who managed to hold down her lunch while taking them accidentally showed up in one? What is the plan once the photos have been taken? Can I assume they are going to be shared because Everything Is Shared? But why? Is that just a dumb question only a Boomer would ask?
I just can't with this ad.* I need it explained to me, yet I don't want it explained to me. I'm just going to go outside and shake my fist at a cloud instead.
*and yes, I know why the comments are turned off. I'm sure the level of hate was ridiculous and I would not have contributed in any way; I don't care about the sex or gender of these people because it doesn't matter. This is a garbage ad regardless.
Apparently this is why men* work five days a week in offices doing Important Things for Important Companies from roughly the time they are 25 until they are in their mid-60s: So they can spend their weekends sitting in folding chairs in their driveways drinking watered-down swill until inspired to do something even more pointless and stupid and time-wasting, probably by a combination of the slight beer buzz they are getting, sun stroke, and a generally lack of interest in anything beyond that cul-de-sac.
So we get a kind of mini-riot in which leaf blowers are used to shoot cans at the houses of the equally vacuous neighbors who of course are instantly shaken out of their Suburban Comas to commit their own acts of vandalism until finally settling down to an afternoon of grilling, drinking and trying not to remember that time in college when they actually thought that their lives might have some level of meaning. Peyton Manning shows up because of course he does; this is a commercial on American Television running during a sporting event and I'm pretty sure his presence is required in the FCC code.
On Monday morning all of these guys will climb into their Range Rovers, Audis and F-150s and head back to the office for another week of doing Whatever It Takes To Pay for This. And so it goes. Until the sweet embrace of death comes for them and nothing of value is lost.
*I am well aware that we live in a two-income economy, but I also know that in Commercial Land the guy is still the main breadwinner and especially in beer commercials women are just props.
With its sleek styling and eye-catching extras like Driver and Google Assist, built-in GPS, heated seats, steering wheel, seatbelts, dash, glove compartment and sun visors (probably, why not) as well as screens everywhere you look, the Buick Enclave will impress your friends every minute it is in your driveway and not at the Dealership getting something else fixed- in other words, roughly three weekends a month.
With a base model (stripped down, including NONE of the things mentioned in the above paragraph) price of only $45,890 you don't need to be among the One Percent to "own" one of these ridiculous, overengineered beauties. You just need $4999 due at signing and convenient monthly payments of $679 a month for sixty months,* assuming you qualify for the low low advertised APR...which would make you among the One Percent.
Otherwise, we can get you into this Wannabee LookAtMeMobile for that $679 a month, we'll just stretch it out over 72 months, don't worry it looks exactly the same in your driveway, there's no way your neighbors will know. Your mechanic might eventually notice that he's been working on the same obnoxious piece of Foolish Vanity like clockwork for seven years but who cares what he thinks, he probably drives a Toyota or something else Sensible, the Loser.
With only five active recalls and minor, barely-worth-mentioning common complaints such as engine cooling issues, engine electrical issues, squeaking or grinding brakes, and the minor, expected-in-all-models early transmission rebuild or replace, this Buick will be the gem of your neighborhood. And on those occasions when you actually have it out on the road, those screens are a great distraction from a heater that doesn't heat and AC that doesn't cool.
Remember, in Buick commercials Buick owners are always asking "where's the Buick?" or saying "let's take the Buick?" because when you own a Buick you are constantly reminded it's a Buick. I mean, the name is right there on top of the work order and the monthly payment.
*by the way, you can easily find ten-year old versions of this model for as low as $7300 on the used car market. Makes you think about little thing called Depreciation, doesn't it? If not, let me quickly break it down for you: If you bought this Buick new in 2015 for $26000 and paid it off in $360.99 per month installments over the course of six years, in 2021 you'd own a car that four years later would be worth $7300. If that sounds like a good deal to you, then paying $499 a month for six years for a 2025 model instead of $7300 for the 2015 probably sounds good too.** So go for it. I'm just glad you don't handle my money.
**And I'm not even going to mention the difference in insurance rates when comparing a 2015 Buick to the 2025 model. I think I've made my point.
Full disclosure: I have no idea who Heidi Montag is. I guess she's some kind of "influencer?" But who the hell isn't? I don't care.
This stuff has been around FOREVER (at least twenty years.) The company that developed it went bankrupt back in 2005 and the formula* and brand name was purchased by another entity which continues to make ads featuring people celebrating their weight loss with Hydroxycut. This stuff is available in the supplement aisle of a lot of stores, dangerously close to actual medications backed up by actual clinical studies. So even if you never see any of these commercials you might be convinced that this is a weight loss drug approved by doctors and just blonde girls in bikinis with zero credentials.
*the formula is olives, mint, and coffee. There's a "non-stimulating" version that doesn't have any coffee. There are no other "active ingredients" in this Basically a Placebo. Which is the most positive thing I can say about it- at least, it doesn't seem capable of doing any harm except to your bank account. But if you really want to lose weight, why would you waste time with this nonsense?
1. You can tell that this is a fairly old commercial where we have a woman thinking that she's going to effortlessly jump from one high-paying job to another. Thing is, it's from 2021, and the United States was just starting to come out of the pandemic and the job market was even worse than it is now. And why is nobody here wearing a mask?
2. Like all Indeed Commercials, the disgruntled worker or unemployed person at the center of the narrative thinks that an invitation to interview = a job. Last time I checked, interviews did not come with any pay at all. If I was paid for every interview for a teaching position I had in the early 1990s, I could have retired without ever starting an actual teaching career. That would have been nice, actually.
3. I can't help wonder if this woman's "I'm actively seeking a job at another company while drawing a paycheck from my current company" attitude might be one reason why she keeps getting turned down for a promotion. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe the guy who got the job ISN'T constantly updating his resume on Indeed and Monster and LinkedIn and actually oh, I don't know, just EARNING HIS PAYCHECK?
4. I also can't help wonder if this woman has ever just come out and told the Suits who run her company that if she doesn't get a promotion, she's going to walk. If you are really valuable to your employer, this can actually be a pretty effective way of getting what you want. Standing there with a tight thin fake smile and tearing-up eyes before checking your phone for an exit ramp might not be. Just a thought. Four thoughts, as it turns out.
I have never in my life been as excited about anything as Kevin is about shifting debt from one creditor to another. If this clown is going to dance on the street at the news that he's been approved for yet another debt consolidation loan which allows him to put off being an adult about his money issues for a few more years, I can't even imagine how he'd react to actually being financially stable.
As I've always suspected, the vast majority of these trucks are not being used for any of the purposes shown in the ads. Almost NOBODY is using these trucks to haul tools and bags of 'Merican Stuff, tow, or crash through sand dunes and forests for "fun." Instead, they are being used to haul groceries home from Costco and children to and from soccer practice; in other words, they are just SUVs designed to look like those vehicles blue-collar people used to own for work.
For some reason, people living in suburbs want to project an image of rugged individualism and adventure. They want their neighbors to think that they have hobbies that require the hauling of tools and materials and enjoy the Great Outdoors and need a $70,000 truck to Just Live Their Lives, so they need a truck with an average monthly payment of $700* over the course of 72 months and can afford the inflated maintenance and insurance that comes along with these ridiculous ornaments to conspicuous consumption. An SUV might convince the guy across the street that you have money, but it won't sell him on the idea that an actual virile American Man lives in your house. You need a truck for that, even if you never use it for any of the tasks you saw in the commercial because after all, it looks like that stuff creates dents and scratches and those don't show well either even though they would be evidence that you actually use your truck to do all that rugged and fun stuff. See the problem here?
Back in the 1960s, a lot of young people gave societal expectations the middle finger by purchasing Volkswagen Bugs and Vans- cheap, ugly vessels that got them from Point A to Point B and told the world that their owners weren't buying in to Consumerism. I think that the current version of Minimalism is people who ride bikes** to work or drive beaters (I own a 2-door 2011 Honda Civic.) But YouTube is overflowing with horror stories of mostly young people being buried by car payments (at high interest rates) because they signed up for new cars that cost more than my entire college career with monthly notes higher than my rent. All to show well for their neighbors and friends. It's scary and dumb and more than a little entertaining (sorry) but it shows how desperate so many people are to project Economic Success while sabotaging their ability to attain it.
*Trucks are the most popular Lease vehicles in the United States. You think anyone is going to lease a truck and then plow it through the forest or toss anything heavier than a case of Diet Coke in the back of it? Yeah, sure Jan.
**I'm referring to the people who ride bikes that DON'T cost $5k. People who spend more for their bikes than I spent for my Civic are just flexing in a different way.
So maybe the bride and groom wouldn't really appreciate the ceremony being interrupted by two members of the wedding party suddenly handing out cans of beer, no matter how much the gesture was appreciated by the guests who decided not to wear hats or use umbrellas despite the fact that this particular event is taking place under a blazing sun and it's heavily implied that it is very very hot out. Maybe they'd rather NOT have the exchange of vows interrupted by the spray of shaken beer or have their moment (or, to be more honest, HER moment) contest for attention by the guzzling of watered-down beer.
Maybe if the bride and groom wanted the guests drinking beer during the ceremony, they would have planned a much more laid-back event including a touch football game afterwards, as one of my older brothers almost fifty years ago. They wouldn't have set up this cliche'd nonsense outdoors in a place with no shade in the middle of the summer with guests wearing full suits and dresses desperate for the whole painful thing to just Be Over Already.
But I don't know if this is worse than most of the other TV Commercial Weddings I've seen in the past few years, with everyone on their iPhones instead of paying attention to the two people ruining a perfectly lovely afternoon for dozens of people who would rather be doing pretty much anything than watching them pledge to temporarily live together and file jointly.
So I'm guessing that this clown, chosen after weeks or even months of screen tests with thousands of aspiring "actors" in the LA area, will be featured in a series of ads for very cheap-yet-overpriced carbohydrates in which he offers boxes of grease to random strangers just trying to live their lives. Like the two guys playing basketball in this ad; who asked this obnoxious jerk to interrupt their exercise with blood-sugar spiking, inflammatory crap?
I know Pizza Hut won't listen to this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Sometimes a stumble is a good reason to stop and rethink your journey. This is very dumb and very pointless and your pizza is not worth eating and hopefully nobody who engages in regular exercise would sabotage their efforts at good health by consuming warmed-over poison-in-a-red-and-white-box just because a creep they don't know offered to to them off the street. I don't want to knock anyone's hustle, but this is bad even for you.
Gee, I can't imagine how this woman built up a big credit card balance- she seems to spend her money very sensibly, and really seems to be living within her means.
In all seriousness, though- she took out a debt consolidation loan to pay off her credit cards, and now she's off doing this indoor skydiving thing, which according to a quick Google search generally runs between $50 and $80 for two one-minute sessions. In other words, she went right back to being stupid with money. Her VISA card had a zero balance from the time it took her to complete the debt consolidation loan to the time she could book two minutes of indoor skydiving which she calls "more important things" than the interest rate on her credit card which she is back to using.
I understand that there's a certain personality that is on some level "addicted" to debt. These are people who can't bear to have zero or low debt and who respond to diminishing totals on the credit card statements with impulse buying. Paying down debt is such an established part of their routine that they feel kind of lost when there's no balance to stress over. Maybe this woman is one of that type. Or maybe she's like 99 percent of people with high credit card balances and is just incapable of managing her credit like a rational adult, or like 100 percent of people in debt consolidation commercials who act as if they won the lottery when they take out a loan to pay off another loan. Either way, this is both stupid and weird.
1. So someone in Corporate really thought Batman/Bateman was clever enough to be turned into a series of ads, huh? Well, after the results of last November I guess I can't blame them- we are an exceptionally stupid country that likes to breathe out of its mouth, so....
2. Glad to see Jake from State Farm doing anything that isn't stalking Pat Mahomes, I guess. I have no idea why he's actually in this ad- he has nothing to do in it- but come to think of it, he has nothing to do in any of these ads except give us that smarmy smirk and not sell insurance.
3. Who in State Farm thought that it would be a good idea to reference what is not only universally considered the worst Batman film of all time but acknowledged as perhaps the worst SUPERHERO movie of all time and one of the Worst Movies of All Time PERIOD? Nobody in their right mind wants to be reminded of The One With Poison Ivy. Is this about making us miss Pat Mahomes, or what?
Who are you going reference next, State Farm? Howard the Duck?
These are among the most expensive LookAtMeMobiles on the market, despite having terrible ratings when it comes to regular upkeep. There's a reason why they are such popular lease vehicles; you can generally expect 2-3 years of problem-free driving before the thing starts to fall out from under you and becomes more intimate with your local repair shop than with the driveway you liked to show it off from.
Basically, Audi presents a legacy of gaudy cars and gaudier ads littered with buzzphrases like "state of the art technology" and, most hilariously, "quattro all-wheel drive" ("quattro" means "four." You're telling us that this car has four-wheel drive. "Quattro all-wheel" is just cringey redundancy on a whole new scale. What else does it have? Post-Viewing Rear-view mirrors? Locking Security Doors? Global Positioning GPS Location Finder View Screens?)
And of course the comment section is filled with comments like "this commercial made me cry" and "best commercial ever" and "I can't wait to sign up for seven years of payments of $1500 a month for the next Audi," etc. Because bots are a thing and people are really, really dumb. Dumb enough to buy Audis, even.
I love reading the comments on this piece of garbage, even though I assume that 90 percent of them are from bots or paid endorsers making a nickel a post. Of all the SUVs out there, none depreciate in value faster than the Rav 4, and the only way I can think of making this a bigger money pit is by producing a Hybrid Plug-In Model.
Ok, maybe if it was a straight EV it might be worse. Either way, you had BETTER like your Toyota RAV 4 because there was a reason the dealership pops champaign whenever one drives off the lot; these things are ridiculously overpriced credit busters that will leave you underwater faster than Jack Dawson after dropping Rose on top of that raft. Here's a tip: If you really like these things (and there's no accounting for taste, after all,) lease it and keep the mileage low enough to trade in without penalty when the term expires. That will give you three years to develop some sense and maybe even some of that taste I just said there's no accounting for. I mean, come on- these SUVs are not only marked up to the freaking moon, they are ugly as hell. It's not a Subaru Solterra- it costs more- and it's not a Nissan Cube (nothing is more painful on the eyes than a car that says "aerodynamics isn't a thing") but it's still an eyesore capable of dropping property values. If you get one, at least try to keep peace in the neighborhood and keep it in the garage during daylight hours.
In case you didn't know, sales of SPAM rise whenever the economy is doing poorly. They are economic indicators like the spread of Dollar Stores and Pawn Shops. And when you see actual commercials for SPAM you know that Hormel has its finger on the pulse of the American psyche; we are in trouble, and we know we are in trouble. Time to stock up on processed pig meat product that can sit on the shelf for years as we fight off roving bands of laid-off tech workers or zombies, or laid-off zombie tech workers.
In the meantime, "served with a side of friends" sounds uber-creepy to me. Did the guys who came up with the ad campaign for Nutrific write this?
After watching this ad, I feel kind of guilty for ragging on Klarna and AfterPay. I mean, those are terrible "services" that just encourage people to overspend and pretend that they have more money than they actually have. But Apps like Earnin aren't terrible. They are downright scary.
I mean, come on. If you find yourself getting excited about the opportunity to "get paid" (take out a payday loan, get a cash advance, however you want to call it) every day, your economic situation is so precarious that I really hope that's a comfy, roomy car you have because it's probably where you're going to be living in the near future. Does Walmart still allow overnight parking?
I'm not trying to be mean here, but Oh My Dog are in trouble if you are in constant need of your paycheck days before it's due to hit your bank account. I don't know if Earnin is better or worse than using a credit card as a bridge to that next payday, and I wonder if it- like Klarna and AfterPay- has as its target audience people who don't HAVE credit cards. I don't even know how to find out. I just know that this is really sad. Unless of course the reason why you find yourself running short of funds is because you're addicted to Uber Eats and Starbucks in which case you can go to the devil in your own way and I have no pity on you.
The way she reacts to a crack in her windshield makes me worry about how she might deal with a real crisis. What would she do if her transmission broke down? Or, beyond car problems which will always pop up, how about an illness in her family? Being laid off from her job? A partner saying goodbye and filing for separation or divorce? Does she go postal and start shooting up the neighborhood? Does she throw trash cans through plate glass windows? Does she start a Tiktok account to share her trauma with the universe?
Simply put, I think it's pretty clear that this woman is not ready to Adult quite yet. I don't want to be in the car behind her when her Check Engine light goes on if she gets this unhinged over a cracked windshield. Heck, I don't want to be in the same neighborhood when she sees that the Oil Life is down to 20 percent or that the tire pressure is slightly below optimal. This woman makes crystal look like Tungsten. I'm legitimately worried about her.
"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can wake up every morning to a full charge."
And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can wake up every morning with a full tank of gas as long as you got it filled the night before. And you didn't have to have a charging station installed in your driveway (how much does THAT cost?)
"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can get X amount of miles per charge."
And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can get X amount of miles per tank. And there's no searching for a gas station- they are still everywhere, and they'll continue to be everywhere. And it will take literally seconds to get your car filled with petrol at any of those gas stations. You won't need to consult Maps or Wayz or Whatever for the closest compatible charging station.
"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can take....um....take your kids places."
Do I even have to bother? You can do the exact same thing with a gas-powered automobile without any of the concern over having a charging station, finding a charging station, glitches that seem to pop up more and more often with EVs, etc. etc. ETC.
"The new Chevy Equinox. It's an EV not built by a company owned by a Fascist Lunatic."
"Eating like a King" at BK is like "shopping like a billionaire" at TEMU. As if members of a royal family are going to be chowing down on greasy, nutrition-deficient, high-fat, high-sugar, overpriced crap at the American Sludge Factory not called "McDonald's." But if you think that Jamie Foxx gets hyped over FanDuel, Shaq loves shopping at TEMU but appreciates the opportunity to stretch out his payments using Klarna, and Vivica Fox and Danica Patrick are super-pumped over the money they saved at CarShield, I guess you'll believe that King Charles is celebrating his successful cancer treatments with a $5 meal deal he picked up with his BK App and a quick run to the local drive-thru. My eyes are rolling out of my head.
Why the hell is Shaquille O'Neal pitching a Buy Now Pay Later service? Did his contract with Gold Bond Medicated Lotion end? Has The General Insurance stopped calling? Is he really this addicted to quick money available to famous people willing to pitch ANYTHING? Does he have too much "integrity" to whore for CarShield or Fake Medicare "add on" insurance?
All that being said- there are a lot of "Buy Now Pay Later is Ruining Finances" and "AfterPay, Klarna and other BNPL plans will destroy your life" stories out there. As a proper curmudgeon, I have just one reply to that: Claiming that Buy Now, Pay Later destroyed your finances is like saying that the bowl of candy in the breakroom destroyed your diet. Nobody makes you click that option, you ridiculous, financially illiterate idiots.
Heck, if you're a boomer, you probably even remember when "meme" wasn't a meme.
But being a big professional boxing fan for more than forty years now (I actually got see a boxing card live about 25 years ago, that was a very cool experience) this boomer has no problem remembering when Mike Tyson was one of those athletes whose fame transcended the sport he participated in. When he was every bit as recognizable as Manning, Mahomes, and Ohtani are today. When you think about the current state of boxing- with circus acts like Jake Paul taking up as much or even more media space as any of the actual champions (I bet more people can recognize Paul, who has yet to fight an actual boxer who isn't a joke or elderly,* than can recognize Alexander Usyk, the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world,) it's pretty remarkable that there was a time when the face of the heavyweight champion was almost universally known and when films about a heavyweight champion regularly dominated the box office. How times have changed.
And how the mighty have fallen. In the mid-1980s, Mike Tyson was making fun, lighthearted commercials for Pepsi. In the mid-2020s, he's pitching something called "Dr. Squatch" in commercials that can only be made weirder if you watch them without sound (which I did, on big screens at my gym. I had no idea what I was looking at, except that Mike Tyson was acting like he's acted at least since Lennox Lewis made him look like a bald punching bag back at the dawn of this century- a clown, or a cartoon character, or both.
*Paul's last joke opponent? Mike Tyson. Of course.
Want those clients to use your company again and again? Well, you could provide quality service at a good price. But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either. So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it. Or maybe a beer can cozy. Or a pen. That will "wow" them. For sure.
Want to keep those employees happy? Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020. But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense. So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side. And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs. That stuff will "wow" them. For sure.
I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint. That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become. Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on. She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.
So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you? You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it? You think that makes it "homemade?" I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still. Come on.
Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid? You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough? There's got to be a dozen servings there. And is this the whole meal? What the actual hell am I looking at here?
