For this weird Grammarly AI Commercial, the Jokes Write Themselves....

 

It's like a buffet of punchlines that leaves you standing there paralyzed with indecision, with no idea how to start.  

"I'm a Art History Major, and this essay is due on Friday...."

Girl, your "professor" doesn't care about the essay.  She knows you're just going to punt it over to ChatGBT.  After all, if you were serious about creating something of value- or even surviving financially in the America of the 21st century- you wouldn't be the Very Last Person on the Planet on an academic path to earn a degree in Art History.  Seriously, I didn't even know that was a thing anymore.  IS it still a thing?  Or is it just the most face-palm subject the writers of this commercial could think of to assign this doofus stereotype of a college student.

So anyway, the Ridiculously Out of Touch Star of our Commercial can't string three coherent sentences together and punts the job over to Grammarly AI, figuring that its a new system and maybe if her teacher is over thirty she probably doesn't know about it yet but is regrettably aware of ChatGBT.  Maybe she figures that for at least a semester or so said teacher will remain unaware of the program that will allow her to run this plagiarized essay that no one wants to write or read and will never provide any actual value to anyone pass muster with the school and she'll get that passing grade that will allow her to continue her pointless path to a worthless degree.

(Yes, I'm aware that was a run-on sentence.  I'm not running it through an AI filter to "clean it up" though because I'm not a base, lazy hypocrite.)

I'll wrap this up by shaking my head at our "student" here, going tens of thousands of dollars into debt to take classes that will lead her nowhere and using AI to do her homework in the process.  Maybe she's got the money to waste, but what about the time?  She's never getting that back.  Maybe she's a trust fund baby who likes Art History and will be driving back home for the holidays in the Lexus Mommy and Daddy got her to make Christmas 2023 a December to Remember?  There's got to be a good back story like that here, or the epilogue is going to be really, really sad.  

"Art History Major." SMH, as the cool kids text.

The Weird Message of Every Febreze Commercial

 

"Your home is your happy place.  You'd think that would mean that you'd like to keep it clean-- I mean, keeping it clean also keeps it free of vermin and germs and all that nasty stuff.

But if, as it turns out, all you are really concerned with is the surface appearance of your house and how it smells, you can use this thing which believe it or not has a microchip to dispense chemical scents into the air and mask the filthy squalor that secretly defines your, um, 'happy place.'"

I agree with several YouTube commentators:  Poor Dog.  Poor kid, too.  Keep your damn house clean, you lazy jagoffs.

A note on the Second-Year Anniversary of this crappy Nissan Rogue Ad

 

I'd like to congratulate the people out there who bought the hype back in 2023 and purchased the fully-loaded Nissan Rogue offered in this ad.  In case you don't remember- and I bet you do, because you're still being reminded once a month when the bill arrives- this thing set you back $38,000 plus interest.  But you got a cool car out of it, didn't you (I mean, to the extent that "Nissan" and "cool car" can exist in the same sentence, of course?)

Well, I hope you are still having fun in that Nissan, because you sure as hell aren't trading it in for an upgrade, because your car- with under 10,000 miles on the odometer, yet- is available right now for exactly half what you paid for it two years ago. Yep.  $19,000 gets you a Nissan Rogue with very low miles.  

Don't tell me you still owe more than that on your stupid impulse purchase triggered by a dumb commercial that convinced you that you'd feel like a secret agent (who are well known for driving around in NISSAN PRODUCTS) than it's worth on the current market?  Ohhhhh.....awkward.  Sorry.  I take back my congratulations and exchange them for condolences.  

But seriously.  A Nissan.  Come on.

Two Easy changes makes this "Thrillionaire" Online Gambling Commercial perfect

 

1.  Change "thrillionaires" to "Lemmings."

2.  Instead of showing them riding through a gate, have them riding off a cliff instead.  Much more accurate. 

And be honest- the reason why there's a vacant seat for someone to jump on to.  The guy who used to be in that seat has un-alived himself after losing his savings, his house, and his family to this brutal addiction we are currently referring to as a "thrill" Because Capitalism.

An alternative for the people in that NFL Network "Delayed Flight" ad

 

Or you could, I don't know...watch the game on one of the many screens at one of the many bars that decorate every single gate at every airport in the United States?  Just a thought.  And while we're at it, here's another couple of thoughts:  Are there more than half a dozen people waiting to board this plane?  And are all of them really more interested in a regular-season NFL game than in getting to their destination?  'Cause I'm not buying it. 

A few thoughts concerning that Allstate "Check First Bark" Commercial

 

1.  Yeah, being a cheap, obvious, blatant suck-up in front of your fellow coworkers is probably not a great idea.  That, and this guy's incredibly punchable face, is probably the reason why his cubicle is set well apart from everyone else's.

2.  Know what else you probably shouldn't be doing while at work?  Obsessively checking your insurance rates on the company's computer (and the company's time.)  You got a job here, buddy?  Maybe you should be doing that?

3.  Kudos to the boss for giving the mentally challenged a chance to become more financially independent with a job at her company, but she might have gone a bit too far when she hired this grinning  jackass.   He's either having an Episode during meetings or he's putzing around on his computer staring at insurance quotes.  I mean, there are limits and this is a business, right?

4.  The comments on this video....just, stop.  These have to be bots.  They just HAVE to be.

Is "Manning" just Latin for "Nepotism?"

 

Here's a quick multiple-choice quiz for you:

Which of the following statements BEST describes Archie Manning?

A.  He's a star NFL Quarterback popular enough to earn endorsement money through TV commercials

B.  He's a star College Football Quarterback currently contending for the Heisman Trophy

C.  He has at least a 5% chance of being in the College Football Championship Game in January

D.  None of the Above

If you answered "D," congratulations, you win!  And if you answered "D," you almost certainly know the name Archie Manning because he's a member of the already-ubiquitous-on-tv commercials Manning family.  And that the ONLY reason he's in a commercial for ANYTHING is because he's his dad's son. 

And if you were confused by this commercial because you thought that college athletes were students and not professionals and weren't really supposed to have endorsement deals until they turned pro, well, you must be about as old as I am.  Aren't we quaint?

The Unintended Joke of that "He Got Money" Hyundai Ad

 

So there is so very little going on in the lives of these clucking chickens that they find themselves quietly raving about how someone in their family "has money" and the evidence is that they have a refrigerator full of eggs and we all know how expensive eggs are am I right or am I right Expensive Egg Jokes Never Get Old.

I'm pretty sure that the actual intended message is "because this is an EV, you'll save so much money on gas, you'll have money left over to buy other stuff, like eggs which remember are really, really expensive."  

But when I first saw this ad, all I could think was "they must have cash to burn because they just bought a ridiculously unreliable Hyundai Crapmobile that will be in the shop before that load of eggs from Costco needs to be replenished." I used to have the same reaction whenever I saw a Dodge Charger, Jeep, or any FIAT product on the road.  That was before I realized how severely stupid people are when it comes to buying cars and how far dealerships desperate to move merchandise are willing to stretch out payments in order to con idiots into thinking they can afford them.  Hyundai Tuscan Hybrids start at just under $50k.   You can get a 2-year old version with less than 6000 miles on the odometer near me for $29k.  That's almost 50% in depreciation.  And let's keep in mind- this is a Hyundai.

"He got money."  And he'll need it.  Too bad he don't got sense. 

Those Wacky Aliens are at it Again!

 

From the same extra-terrestrials who came from beyond the stars to bring us overpriced bleach in a spray bottle (and here we were hoping for world peace or at least personal flying tech) we now have overpriced liquid rubber spray.  

So when you get done bleaching your mold for the low low cost of roughly 10 times more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x bleach from the dollar store, you can start sealing every crack in your house- and turning screens into windows for some reason- for roughly 10 ties more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x liquid rubber spray.  Seems to me that's a pretty big markup to have the word ALIEN added to the can (and to wait until it's shipped to your home instead of making that trip down to the Dollar Store, Hardware Store or local Home Depot,) but I guess those interstellar journeys don't pay for themselves.

The Thing from Planet Clorox

 

Or "how I marketed Bleach as 'Alien Technology,' put it in a spray bottle, and sold it for roughly 10 times what it's value is at the local Giant grocery store."  

I must have missed the History Channel episode where the Aliens took time off from building the pyramids to provide the ancient Egyptians with the secrets of removing unsightly mold stains.  Finally, a Lost Art that is actually useful.  I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never had the slightest interest in moving 3-ton rock slabs or cutting crystal skulls.  Getting rid of mold, though?  Hey, I'm here for that. 

Capital One, Jennifer Garner, and another failure to read the damn room

 

Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."

Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they?  Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine.  Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.

*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days.  Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already.  It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels.  And blood pressure.

**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November.  The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts.  Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.  

My Fitbit New Year's Resolution is to stop paying attention to my Fitbit

 

The daily updates part, anyway...

I mean, come on.  If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine.  If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.

But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory.  Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target.  Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track."  Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."

The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.  

So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals.  Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal.  Like, WTF, Fitbit?

Oh, and continue to stay off sugar.  That's important, too.  

So Jersey Mike's couldn't afford Peyton. Got it.

 

The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.

That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old.  Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already?  Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road.  Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.  

Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent.  But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything.  Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers.  I'll wait. 

Suggestion to Range Rover: Get Out More

 

Seriously, the jokes write themselves.  If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere.  And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.

Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head.  The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.  

Coca Cola Fans? Feel free to take the day off

 

Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all.  Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing.  I sure can hear it, and I don't want to.  Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.

Peloton has hit rock bottom

 

In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment.  Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.

Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.

In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.  

But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast."  Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.)  Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service.   Ah, because it's a "System," you see.  The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will.  But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part.  It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table.  And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.  

Jeep Presents: The Last Desperate Gasp of a Dying Brand

 

The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV."  Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?

It's a Jeep which is an SUV.  I hardly know where to start with this one.  Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting?  People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in?  Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV.  (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump.  Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)

It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation. 

It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning.  Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps.  Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....

It's "capable."  This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless.  Capable of what, exactly?  Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance?  I kind of doubt it.  Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap.  Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions?  Sure, why not.  But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain. 

I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand.  Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep.  Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler.  Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax.  Hard pass.

Two Questions concerning this stupid Bounty Paper Towels Commercial

 

1. How empty and sad are the lives of these people if they are so excited to witness the absorption qualities of a paper towel?

2.  If Bounty is so effective that you can use just a little for small skills, why are they keeping an unopened roll right next to the opened roll on the kitchen counter?  Shouldn't that be put away for when it's needed- like, weeks from now?  

Capitalism Explained to us Suckers

 

https://youtube.com/shorts/brZCOVlyPPo?si=mz0cVIUFd-7m_86Z

1. Collude with politicians to reduce penalties for falsifying earnings reports.

2. Also collude with politicians to socialize any losses because Oil Drums are a Vital Part of the Nation's EconomyTM.

3. Bribe media personalities to hype your product and inflate the demand for your stock further, naturally increasing the cost of the stock while doing nothing to increase the value of the company.

4. Pay yourself in stock to avoid income tax.

5. Hire lobbyists to ensure that the Estate Tax stays low so you can hand your business off to your heirs while contributing as little as possible to the infrastructure that makes it possible. (Notice we don't see any actual workers being portrayed here? Where are these drums coming from?)

6. If you don't want to invest in making a "better product," just use your financial leverage to undercut competitors with rock-bottom prices until they are out of business, and then gobble them up.

 

A few points on this ChatGBT "Road Trip" Commercial

 

1.  I agree with one commentator who suggests that this commercial is so vapid and vanilla that it could very well be a piece of Deep Fake which includes no actual actors and was 100 percent generated by AI.

2.  I agree with another commentator who suggests that this commercial perfectly encapsulates the mindset of the current generation- devoid of originality, incapable of coming up with any ideas on their own, relying on a mindless, soulless Artificial Intelligence Entity to create ideas for a road trip with just you and your....sister?  What the hell....

3.  Who on Earth goes on a road trip with their sister?  What the hell is going on here?  I have my own theory...

4.  You don't get suggestions on Good Places to Bury the Body unless you upgrade to the $19.99 per month version. 

This Week's AI-Generated Amazing On Sale Impulse Purchase Offer brings Good Luck to In-Person Shopping Enthusiasts

 

Cat Head, the Bringer of Death to Online Binge Shopping

(A real gravestone in a real cemetery and totally not generated by ChatGBT.)

Luddites Rejoice!  

The Cat Head Permanently Available for a Limited Time at half-price ($39.99 compared to the Regular Even Though You Never Saw This Before Because It Didn't Exist Last Month $79.99) may not actually bring Good Luck to your Home, but it may just be the harbinger of the Never-to-be-Mourned Death of Online Shopping and the return to good old fashioned, shoe-leather-expending mall hikes.  As a Boomer who fondly remembers annual trips to FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us, The Sharper Image etc. in search of That Perfect Gift in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the appearance of this AI-generated nonsense doesn't represent a piece of Dollar-Star Quality garbage being vomited out of a factory in Chongqing, it represents a Renaissance of in-person, Seeing Is Believing when it also comes with Holding and Weighing shopping.  

I for one would like to thank the creators of this scam- and the creators of the Crystal Bookcase Coffee Mug scam, and the creators of the Realistic Easter Bunny Robot that Responds to Commands Scam, and basically the creators of every Artificial Intelligence Scam for their contributors to Making Capitalism Communal Again.  Dare I go a step further and dream of a time when nobody believes ANYTHING they see online and insist on doing everything in person?

While we're waiting for the completion of the Death Certificate, I'd like to point you to my new Merch Store.  It's the only place you can buy this beautiful hand-crafted headstone celebrating the death of the QR code, currently half-price ($39.99, normally $79.99.)  It will bring good luck to your, um, cemetery, or something.

Ford's Celebration of Brain-Free Driving

 

Is it just me?  Am I the only one out there who thinks that maybe the time to shut off your brain and get carried away into a little fantasy where you're conducting an orchestra is NOT while you're cruising down the road at high speed in a heavy plastic, metal and chrome vehicle with two little kids who are kind of counting on you in the back seat?

What exactly is the purpose of "hands-free" driving anyway?  What are you supposed to be doing with your hands other than keeping them on the wheel while for every second the car is in movement you are putting lives, including your own, in danger?  I know we decided years ago that the awesome responsibility of moving that Point A to Point B-mobile was not so large that it couldn't be augmented with music, Bluetooth, texting, etc. but the last time I checked one state after another was passing laws requiring that if we were going to be drive distracted we must at LEAST accept that our hands should be on the wheel.  So that's over now?  

I guess this just makes sense in a world where people regularly send and read texts from their phones while hurling themselves in their deadly four-wheeled missiles down highways or slowly rolling through suburban streets surrounded by little children who ought to be indoors if they don't want to be at risk of being killed by Busy Busy Perpetually Connected Adults in Cars.  I'm still a little astonished that I woke up one day and found myself on a planet where an ad encourages people to daydream - with their hands off the wheel- even if they've got little children who've involuntarily placed their lives in their hands sitting innocently in the back.  As the cool kids text, just SMH. 

Stitch Fix: Because you are absolutely helpless

 

Last one out, turn off the lights please.

Seriously, what the hell?  When did we adults wake up and decide that dressing ourselves was impossibly complicated, we need help, and we're willing to pay for it?  People in my generation remember snarking on Garanimals because that line featured matching animal labels which made it easier for harassed, exhausted parents to figure out what tops went with what bottoms.  Ok, it's kind of stupid and juvenile but as it turns out people who used the little animal hints were freaking Daniel Boone carving out villages in the wilderness compared to today's bunch which apparently can't leave the house because- yes, I guess it's true- we don't know how to dress at all anymore.

Never mind "First World Problems."  This is next-level, people.  We need to be able to project pants and shirts onto our bodies before we purchase them- and, no doubt, get some AI to assure us that we won't be laughed at when we leave the house wearing our purchases.  Because thirty years of the internet and twenty years of iPhones and online shopping have left our ability to navigate through everyday life in the gutter.  

We don't cook anymore- there's fast food and FACTOR and DoorDash for that.  We don't drive anymore- the cars basically do that themselves, and this is JUST as I got used to using Maps and Garmin for directions.  We don't read anymore- why read, when you can Watch?  Choosing an outfit to wear in public five days a week (pajamas are fine Saturdays, Sundays and for plane trips) was just the next little job for Something Else to Do For Us.  

Doomed.  We are doomed.

How did I miss this "Happy Holidays" ad from FanDuel?

 

Because it just isn't the holidays unless at least one person at the gathering is obsessively gambling on sporting events while keeping his phone half-hidden under the table.  And you certainly aren't a gambling addict unless you view every moment of the day in terms of odds and margins.  

Like pretty much all ads for FanDuel, SportsKings, and the other Celebration of Economically Crippling, Family Destroying Addiction, this one is played for laughs while being pretty much the opposite of Funny.  Seriously, if someone in your family is distracted by a gambling app during a holiday meal, maybe you should get together with the others and plan an Intervention.  Before he comes to you to ask for a short-term loan or a couch to sleep on or a cosigner on an apartment rental because Dallas didn't cover in the Thanksgiving afternoon game against Detroit.  

"Happy Holidays?"  Might as well show this guy slipping into the closet to take a swig of rum from the flask hidden in his pocket or stepping into the cold for a quick smoke.  When will television get it- ADDICTION ISN'T FUNNY and GAMBLING DOESN'T ADD VALUE TO SPORTS?  The answer is:  a few thousand broken homes and any point-shaving scandal now, we promise. 

Almost an honest Range Rover Ad

 

...in that you definitely need to be living the lifestyle depicted here to afford this ridiculous, unreliable money pit of a motorized vehicle.  

Want a Range Rover?  Better already own a paid-off Range to Rove.  And yes, you should also have a paid-off Manor to park it in front of when it's not in the shop (which will be often if you actually try to use it to Rove your Range.)  And you should make sure that you have a pile of cash to dig into when your stupid LookAtMeMobile/Compensation Purchase breaks down because as I implied in the first paragraph, these things are notorious for their need of regular, expensive maintenance and repairs.  The Check Engine light on these things better come with heavy duty bulbs because they have to work harder than any other part.

If these stupid things could talk, they wouldn't be describing the Range.  They'd be describing the interior of your local mechanic's shop.  Hard pass. 

Revisiting that Grammarly Work at the Speed of Light Commercial...

 

Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!

Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now.  Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous.  I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this?  Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world.  It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.  

Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.)  Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was. 

What is it with these Gain commercials?

 

Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week?  No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.  

There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes.  Is detergent the Audi for the masses?  Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?

This State Farm Commercial is so Tone-Deaf

 

Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...."  Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.  

Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier.  Here's the thing, though:  Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year.  That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA.  So whose massive house is she sitting in?

Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers.  You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball.  She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball.  In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game.  Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job.  This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream.  It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier.  It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.

IHOP Makes Atherosclerosis Affordable Again!

 

   

The part that gets me about this ad for $6 pancake deals is the "every day" line.  I get it- they just mean that the deal is available every day.  They don't expect you to show up every day for pancakes, hash browns, side meats and butter, butter and more butter.  But it IS 2025 after all- there are many, many people out there who hit Starbucks for coffee milkshakes every morning and Taco Bell every lunch break and whatever is a Special on Uber Eats for dinner, so now I kind of wonder- does IHOP want this to be an every day thing?  I mean, it's a day's worth of calories for six dollars....

Welcome to the...ummm...."Wayborhood"...

 

...a nightmare world/Twilight Zone Episode where everyone in a surface-level-upscale suburban community has filled their McMansions with IKEA and Dollar Store-Quality junk, probably because they spent all their money on more house than they can afford and the Lexus they are paying on at $999 a month, $3499 down, for the next seven years.

I can totally see this being a trend.  After all, the neighbors see that flashy Entertainment Center/Overcompensation On Wheels sitting in your driveway.  They rarely see what kind of furniture you have; they sure don't have time to inspect it beyond the superficial glance.  If the lamp turns on, if the sofa doesn't collapse, if the coffee table can handle the load of your coffee cup without creaking- well, it must be excellent quality because come on, if you could swing that Lexus you'd spare no expense inside the house, right?  The neighbors aren't going to detect the particleboard and they aren't going to lift the lamps and realize that for all their solid appearance their weight suggests thin plastic rather than ceramic.  In short, the facade will probably hold up as long as they never look too closely- and as long as they stay fixated on that Lexus. 

The other option is to buy a practical, 10-year old car and modest quality furniture on Facebook Marketplace (that's what I did, because I'm smart and I'm not out to impress anyone; good thing, too.)  I mean, when the Lexus gets repossessed, or the neighbors over for cocktails (is that something people still do?) finally do notice that your house is furnished with fiberboard and Aaron's Selloff -level junk electronics- when the gild is finally peeled off- where will your reputation built on a house of cards be then?

That Kellogg's "Gut Feeling" Commercial

 

I get that there's supposed to be a double meaning to "gut feeling" here- like, eating this ultra-produced garbage is supposed to be good for your gut while at the same time encouraging you to go with your spontaneous notion of doing something fun.  Because I'm a curmudgeon, I have a few issues with this message:

1.  There's nothing about this stuff that is good for your gut.  It's Diabetes in a Bowl and should not be consumed by anyone who is more interested in their long-term health than their short-term satisfaction.  Not a good choice for anyone who cares more about what's in their food than how pretty it looks in a bowl of milk (which no one should be drinking after the age of 6 or so anyway.)

2.  The "gut feeling" that leads to a romp in the bouncy castle is called a "sugar rush" and yeah I guess it's a better way to use that quick energy spike than just continuing to sit on your ass watching that middle-aged pouch above your belt get bigger, but what do you do in ten minutes when the crash ends and you're hungry again (in many cases, hungrier than before you consumed that bowl of worthless carbohydrates and dairy your body hasn't needed since you were an infant?)  Oh right, I know- either eat more sugar to keep that feeling going (but sugar isn't an addictive drug, so don't you dare suggest otherwise) or take a nap, at which time your body will store the unused energy as adipose tissue.  Either way, you lose.  

3.  A couple of eggs and a piece of fruit (NOT JUICE) would have given you more energy and it would have lasted much longer, besides leaving you satiated for hours, not minutes.  But it doesn't look or taste like candy so it's a hard pass, I guess.  Again, though- sugar's not addictive.  🙄

Point of Personal Privilege: The worst overrated "romantic comedy" of the 1990s

 

If the Baptists and Calvinists are right, I will find this film playing in an endless loop in the Afterlife.  I will be like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, being forced to consume this painful dreck as payment for all of my sins in this life.   

How much do I hate this film?  Let me count the ways....

Steve Martin plays the father of a spoiled rotten horror of a daughter who is pulverized by all around him for daring to object to her plans for a monstrously expensive ceremony that would have made the Romanovs blush in their heyday.  Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, with the same hairstyle and lack of emotional range she showed in every film the appeared in for the better part of three decades, constantly assaulting us with a smile that would make any sane person want to smash her face in with an ice pick. 

Martin is condemned by his daughter and wife for daring to even suggest that maybe, just maybe, $250 per plate is a ridiculous expense for what is essentially an afterparty for people who donated a day of their lives to watch people get married.  He gets eyerolls and sighs from the people who will NOT be contributing a single dime to the expenses, especially when he suggests that the event planner and his assistant not be included on the guest list.  BTW, $250 in 1991 is $661 today.  

Unable to get any sympathy- or even the courtesy of a fair hearing- from his family, and being the most disgusting Simp I've ever seen on film, Martin's character goes off to the local grocery store, tears hot dog buns out of their packages because he "only needs" 12 buns to go with his pack of 12 hot dogs, and verbally assaults the minimum-wage workers who question his actions.  This guy can't stand up to his ridiculous wife and daughter but he'll blow off steam to customer service people who don't live in huge mansions and don't have to worry about financing over-the-top weddings because they'll never have the bank account to even consider them.  He gets arrested and is put into a jail cell, because that's definitely how the the police would handle petty vandalism/theft committed by a rich middle-aged white man in 1991.

When his wife shows up to bail him out, she makes him listen to a lecture first about how "we can afford this wedding" because they don't go to Europe and they don't have fancy cars.  Time to apply the ice pick again.  Lady, your husband is the only reasonable person in this entire film.  It's not about being able to afford this over-the-top spectacle.  It's about looking at a situation like a freaking adult and not bending over backwards to accommodate a spoiled, starry-eyed little girl and her enabler hey-it's-not-MY-money mother.  

To top it all off, at the end of the film the bride and groom depart the ceremony without even saying goodbye to the Dad who ultimately caved in on every demand and dumped his wallet onto the table so his little girl could be Princess for a Day.  I know she comes back and there's a happy ending (though, to my mind, the only happy here is that it Ends*) but long before that happens I don't care anymore because I'm sick of one of my favorite comedians being kicked around by the people who see him as a walking ATM and are annoyed that he opens his mouth to speak when he should just be writing checks.  Just, gross.

And I never even got to discuss Martin Short's portrayal of what 1990s audiences figured a gay wedding planner (he's gay because he's male; we all know straight men can't be wedding planners, that would be Gay) would look like.  So yeah, it's even slightly worse than I described.  

*There's a sequel in which both wife and daughter are pregnant at the same time, which leads to more massive draining of Dad's bank account because Of Course It Does.  Even Martin Short is back for some reason.  I've never seen it and I never will- unless the endless loop movie in hell is a Double Feature. 

Just Ask Google....worry about the consequences later

 

"She started college last week, and already she's homesick..."

Well, yeah.  Generally being homesick is an initial emotion when you go away to school or anywhere else for the first time.  It tends to wear off after a while.  So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to point out that this girl is "already" homesick.  This is still very new for her.

To alleviate homesickness, she wonders how she might make her* dorm room more "homey."  So she asks Google and gets a bunch of great ideas on how to get into heavy credit card debt quickly rather than just giving herself time to get the f--k over it.  Before you know it, she's got the place tripped out in what Google's AI has decided is Southwestern motif.  How much did this cost?  Who cares?  Everyone keeps talking about how great the job market is for college graduates plus I hear there's this loan forgiveness program so no worries, right?

*Is that her roommate walking in at the end?  Was she consulted before all this new stuff was ordered?  Is she into Southwestern Decor?  Or is this just a case of "hey, if you didn't want the place you live in completely redecorated without your input, you shouldn't have gone away for the weekend, especially when you know your roommate is a self-absorbed homebody?"

Jimmy John's Toasted Pizza Sandwich Ad- I was wrong. For now.

 

When I first saw this ad, without sound, I thought that one guy had walked in on a second guy attempting to provide emergency aid for a third guy suffering a heart attack.  When I watched it to the end, I realized that it was for some toasted cheese, carbohydrate-and-fat-wrap.  In other words, while I was wrong in my initial impression, I wasn't really THAT far off the mark.  The guy on the floor might not be suffering a heart attack in this commercial, but let's be serious.  If he really eats like this, it's only a matter of time.

And BTW, what the freaking hell is this house?  Am I supposed to know who these people are?  Are they famous sports figures, or actors, or even (gag) "influencers?"  Never mind, don't care.  If this is truly a slice of THEIR lives, they are not long for this world anyway.  No point in getting to know them.

There's only one accurate line in this entire stupid Uber Eats Commercial

 

And that line is "That's not funny."

No, it certainly isn't.  None of this.  And none of it distracts from the fact that Uber Eats is an environment-wrecking, exploitative horror show of a business which abuses it's drivers, generates massive waste in paper, plastic and fossil fuel usage, and (no pun intended) feeds America's obesity epidemic by encouraging even LESS movement while also contributing to skyrocketing credit card debt with usury-level markups (it's never been easier to sit on your overfed ass and spend money you don't have on junk food you don't need- just open that app, swipe your finger across the screen, and in the blink of an eye you're down another $30 minimum for a meal that would cost half as much if you had picked it up on the way home from work.)

Funny?  Pretty much the opposite.

This history-making Jeep Commercial

 

In my experience, only local dealerships make ads promoting used cars.  But this ad isn't created by a local dealership; it was actually produced and paid for by Stellantis (a name you will not hear mentioned in any Jeep ad because car owners in the know associate Stellantis with quality as nutrition experts associate Taco Bell with healthy.)

This ad features several Jeep products that have been discontinued by the manufacturer, before the company became a billion-dollar hot potato.  Jeep was originally an AMC product but was then purchased by Chrysler, which eventually dumped it on Stellantis.  Today only one model is produced at the old plant in Toledo, Ohio.  The others are made in- you guessed it- China.

The current Jeep Stellantis product allegedly being pitched in this ad in between cuts of older automobiles of much higher quality is not a Jeep at all, but an SUV.  Which begs the question- if you are in the market for an SUV, why on Earth would you buy one from THIS company?  On the other hand, actual Jeeps produced earlier in this century are available from used car lots for a fraction of the cost of this hideous, unreliable monstrosity trying to catch a free ride on the back of its predecessors. 

Here are my two favorite comments concerning this ad, courtesy of YouTube:

"Comes with a Check Engine Light and a Backorder on Parts."

"Conclusions: 1) the Jeep became and SUV, and 2) hold on to your old models, as they will rise in value." 

Bottom Line:  The "Jeep" name may still Influence people to buy a pile of Chinese Crap that will be in the shop more often than their driveways, but that's nothing to be proud of because the current crop of vehicles being vomited out of Asia are buggy, badly-built money pits being pitched using nostalgia bait and nothing more.  And don't forget- they are made by Stellantis and nobody thinks Stellantis is a reliable car maker. 

Wednesday Adams is the latest shameless sellout

 

"Normally I'd be against this type of Capitalistic Corporate Synergy..."

But then Wendy's threw a lot of money at me and I turned on a dime and became Krusty the Klown suddenly doing ads for the Canyonero.  I get it. 

While being depressingly predictable, this is still almost as sad as the Lorax pimping for IHOP back in the day.  Everything is for sale.  Everything.  

A few quick thoughts concerning that Credit Wreckers Commercial

 

1.  It's pretty juvenile.  I mean, do adults really need to be told that if they max out their credit cards, they make themselves poor credit risks and therefore lower their credit scores?  Maybe the damage done by getting rid of their longest credit line is less mainstream knowledge, but come on.  

2.  While providing good (albeit very basic, No Duh) advice, it also feeds the audience a poisoned pill mixed in with the nutritious stuff- No, it is NOT a good idea to sign up for and use several credit cards instead of just one.  That's actually really stupid, because it can lead to people masking their debt by spreading it over several different sources.  It's also hypocritical, because this company- like every other credit-issuing company- will be quick to offer opportunities to consolidate debt into one card, as long as it's theirs.  

3.  In the end, there's only one reason to use credit cards beyond emergency situations, and that's to earn rewards points.  I understand that rewards points are actually bad for people who don't hold credit cards because they raise prices for everyone while providing benefits for members only.  I just don't care, because I'm a cardholder and especially because I'm a Boomer and everyone knows Boomers are all done caring about people who are not Them.  Truth hurts.

What Everyone Wants to Know about that RAM Commercial

 

"Is this self-parody, or are they really being serious here?"

I mean, the only thing we're missing in this repurposed Reagan '84 ad is someone eating a hot dog with one hand and apple pie with the other.  This is not Everyday Commercial Cringe.  It's what Skynet would create if asked to create Cringe.  It's Cringe on an Epic Level. 

Nobody in the comment section* thinks that this is a good ad.  The only thing anyone wants to know is- is this for real?  Is RAM trying to make us laugh, or making fun of us. or what?  

*there's actually one person here who claims to love this ad "and America."  But it has to be a bot.  It just has to. 

4Stupid People who like to think that they are Patriots, I guess

 

Quick Boomer Tip:  Avoid companies that use words like "Patriot" or "Liberty" or "Freedom" in their names.  Those are cheap marketing ploys designed to tweak a very smooth part of the brain that should never, ever be used in making purchasing decisions.

The "4Patriots" solar generator - proudly made in China, perhaps even in the same factory that makes Trump Watches and MAGA caps- has a ton of terrible reviews describing it as cheaply-made, unreliable, and overpriced.  So it's not really "4Patriots"- it's for really shallow people who measure patriotism based on how many American flags they display and how many times they voted for a convicted felon/cult leader/Russian asset carnival barker.  You know, people who are already in the dark in every other respect so won't mind being let down by a piece-of-junk-garbage generator if it's called "4Patriot."  Just tell them they're owning the Libs. 

DraftKings, Two Grown Men, and Anything for a Buck

 

I don't know what these two jackass multimillionaires are pretending to joke about, nor do I care.  All that matters to me is that they are doing it in service of an addictive app that ruins marriages, finances, friendships, and lives.  With great big smiles on their faces. 

Because there's no such thing as Enough Money, I guess.  

The actual content of this ad?  Who cares?  I don't gamble.  The people I respect most in the world could not convince me to gamble.  These guys are so far from the people I respect most in the world, they aren't even in the same universe.  And they sure didn't gain any points when they decided to make this crap.

Straight Talk for the Awful People in this Commercial

 

You guys are so damn enamored of your stupid electronic devices that your kids are totally free-range.  In every scene, the kids are jumping around while their alleged "parents" are staring a phone, only getting attention when they seem to be on the verge of destroying another piece of conspicuous consumption.

Then, once the problem of untrained children jumping on furniture is "solved" with the purchase of a trampoline, the "parents" go right back to ignoring those kids- never mind that every single trampoline sold in the United States comes with a warning not to let children play on them without parental supervision.  The "parents" are close enough to notice a seriously hurt child and are holding a device that can connect with emergency services so it's all good, I guess.  I bet these wonderful people are even committed to glancing outside to "check" on the kids during moments the dopamine hits from the entertainment the phone is providing is interrupted.  

I don't understand this mindset at all.  Those children you chose to have are going to be children only for a moment.  This is the time to revitalize your own youth, and build permanent emotional bonds, by engaging with your offspring.  Instead, you choose to act like they are annoyances distracting you from the REAL joy of your life- a freaking phone.  Your priorities are absolutely insane.  Your kids are being denied real parents, and you are denying YOURSELVES the joy of experiencing your children's innocent youthful joy- for this?  

Don't come to me complaining that your kids grew up too fast or, now that they are out of the house, never visit.  You reap what you sow.  Turn the damn phone off.  Turn the damn tv off.  Engage with your kids.  Ok rant over. 

Lincoln's "Summer Invitation" to a very exclusive party

 

I suppose that if the salesmen at Lincoln are going to dress like Euro Trash and carry themselves with the air of high-end jewelry dealers, the customers should show up wearing clothes you'd think would be reserved for dinners at high-end restaurants, so ok.  And because it's 2025, there's no reason for the prospective customer to do anything other than sit in the car, lovingly stroke the steering wheel, and fantasize about actually owning it while appreciating the big screen and all the other bells and whistles that have nothing to do with safety ratings, fuel economy, or all that other stuff everyone used to be concerned with but now apparently nobody is. 

The Lincoln Aviator- so-called, I assume, because it's only slightly smaller than a passenger plane- has a base-model MSRP price of $62000.  The version featured in this ad runs closer to $70k.  So no, I am not going to be getting one of these Summer Invitations.  I'll manage.

...and then the Colonel died and it all went to hell anyway.

 

That should be the final line of this ridiculously maudlin, overproduced ad for ridiculously overpriced, overproduced dead chicken parts.

Kentucky Fried Chicken was the brainchild of a guy who had a vision/dream of making tons of money selling, well, fried chicken to the masses.  He worked very hard to get the spices just right and was "obsessed" (I guess, I mean I'm just using the tagline in this ad) with quality control because he was the face of the company after all.   When I was a kid and I was treated maybe once a year or so to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I thought it was the best food in the whole world and I imagined that when I was a grownup and could eat whatever I wanted I would consume it all the time.

Thing is, KFC's decline in quality in the 21st century is a very well-known, off-repeated story.  I haven't eaten it in at least twenty years, but from what I've heard the chicken is now blander (less fatty, less distinct in taste,) the sides are also dull, stores are notoriously lacking in cleanliness, and the overall value is really lacking.  Yet the prices are extremely high (Kentucky Fried Chicken was ALWAYS an expensive choice for fast food, but when it was known for being tasty that was ok) for smaller, drier pieces that look nothing like the ones seen on TV.  

Simply put, if all this guff about the Colonel is true, he'd probably be ashamed of what has become of his franchise.  Unless KFC is going to pump billions of dollars into restoring the company to it's former glory, these ads are kind of a slap in the face.  Who cares if Colonel Sanders was "obsessed" with quality?  The guy has been dead since 1980, and the people who have been carrying out his "mission" dropped the ball decades ago and don't seem any more interested in bringing my childhood back than anyone else.  Give me a break.

Subaru's Stupid "Dog Approved" Commercial....

 

...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments.  How predictable can you get?  "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on.  Hand me a freaking barf bag.)

This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick.  No actors are needed, so that saves money.  Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature.   You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing.  You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.  

And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it.  I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it.  I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.  

Fabletics, Planet Fitness, and an Unwanted Birthday "present"

 

So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75.  Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.

I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer."  Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price.  I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping.  Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.

I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read.  Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag.  Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.  

The "membership" costs $59.95 a month.  No kidding.  Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount.  Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month.  Every month.  Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.  

Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness.  I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club.  I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense.  I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though.  Sorry not Sorry.

Golden Nugget and the "Ultimate Casino Experience" Celebration of Addiction

 

When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.

I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show.  I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.

Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry.  Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked.  I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company.  I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever. 

Earnin a trip to the poorhouse

 

Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?"  You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early?  Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?

Notice all those places offering Payday Loans?  You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently?  It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.  

Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip.  Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.  

What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday.  This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans.  It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it.  It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid.  Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country. 

By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody.  Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices.  I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs.  I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down.  Made, Bed, Lie and all that.  I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.

That Volkswagen Tiguan "Director" Commercial. Um, what?

 

1.  This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director."  I guess he's late?  I guess there are no parking lots here?

2.  Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer?  He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take?  I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?

3.  The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen.  Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car.  Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.

4.  "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line?  Um, too much.  But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag.  Dude, it's a Volkswagen.  I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana.  I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this.  There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."

Medishare- because being a moron with your health is very Christian

 

There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.  

There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider."  Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance?  Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?)  No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning.  So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.

I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare.  I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years.  I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.  

Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular.  If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything?  I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman.  Why isn't her husband doing the talking here?  He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones.  It's Biblical, after all. 

It's Elvis Week at Graceland. I do not understand.

 

That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"

1.  Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City?  Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week?  Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week?  I mean, what the hell?

2.  What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis?  Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks?  What exactly is going on here?

Golden Corral has stopped trying to sell itself as a Restaurant....

 

I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.  

This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough.  Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick.  I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is. 

Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor.  It's probably on the floor.  It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)

Downy, Please Stop the Unstoppable.

 

1.  I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house.  Are they just Friends with Benefits?  Then why is he washing her clothes?  Is that one of the benefits?

2.  Let's pretend this is her house.  She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt?  Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway?  Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies.  But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?

3.  If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it?  Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer?  What the hell is going on here?

4.  In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well.  Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks.  Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?

What has become of my society???

Another look at this Ethos Life Commercial

 

The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic.  I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.

Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad.  It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides.  It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for.  Did she wake up upset about losing her husband?  No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation. 

Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.*  Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever.  Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills.  If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world.