I mean, come on. If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine. If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.
But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory. Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target. Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track." Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."
The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.
So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals. Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal. Like, WTF, Fitbit?
Oh, and continue to stay off sugar. That's important, too.
The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.
That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old. Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already? Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road. Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.
Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent. But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything. Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers. I'll wait.
Seriously, the jokes write themselves. If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere. And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.
Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head. The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.
Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all. Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing. I sure can hear it, and I don't want to. Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.
In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment. Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.
Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.
In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.
But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast." Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.) Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service. Ah, because it's a "System," you see. The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will. But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part. It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table. And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.
The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV." Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?
It's a Jeep which is an SUV. I hardly know where to start with this one. Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting? People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in? Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV. (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump. Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)
It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation.
It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning. Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps. Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....
It's "capable." This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless. Capable of what, exactly? Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance? I kind of doubt it. Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap. Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions? Sure, why not. But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain.
I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand. Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep. Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler. Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax. Hard pass.
1. How empty and sad are the lives of these people if they are so excited to witness the absorption qualities of a paper towel?
2. If Bounty is so effective that you can use just a little for small skills, why are they keeping an unopened roll right next to the opened roll on the kitchen counter? Shouldn't that be put away for when it's needed- like, weeks from now?
1. Collude with politicians to reduce penalties for falsifying earnings reports.
2. Also collude with politicians to socialize any losses because Oil Drums are a Vital Part of the Nation's EconomyTM.
3. Bribe media personalities to hype your product and inflate the demand for your stock further, naturally increasing the cost of the stock while doing nothing to increase the value of the company.
4. Pay yourself in stock to avoid income tax.
5. Hire lobbyists to ensure that the Estate Tax stays low so you can hand your business off to your heirs while contributing as little as possible to the infrastructure that makes it possible. (Notice we don't see any actual workers being portrayed here? Where are these drums coming from?)
6. If you don't want to invest in making a "better product," just use your financial leverage to undercut competitors with rock-bottom prices until they are out of business, and then gobble them up.
1. I agree with one commentator who suggests that this commercial is so vapid and vanilla that it could very well be a piece of Deep Fake which includes no actual actors and was 100 percent generated by AI.
2. I agree with another commentator who suggests that this commercial perfectly encapsulates the mindset of the current generation- devoid of originality, incapable of coming up with any ideas on their own, relying on a mindless, soulless Artificial Intelligence Entity to create ideas for a road trip with just you and your....sister? What the hell....
3. Who on Earth goes on a road trip with their sister? What the hell is going on here? I have my own theory...
4. You don't get suggestions on Good Places to Bury the Body unless you upgrade to the $19.99 per month version.
Cat Head, the Bringer of Death to Online Binge Shopping
(A real gravestone in a real cemetery and totally not generated by ChatGBT.)
Luddites Rejoice!
The Cat Head Permanently Available for a Limited Time at half-price ($39.99 compared to the Regular Even Though You Never Saw This Before Because It Didn't Exist Last Month $79.99) may not actually bring Good Luck to your Home, but it may just be the harbinger of the Never-to-be-Mourned Death of Online Shopping and the return to good old fashioned, shoe-leather-expending mall hikes. As a Boomer who fondly remembers annual trips to FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us, The Sharper Image etc. in search of That Perfect Gift in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the appearance of this AI-generated nonsense doesn't represent a piece of Dollar-Star Quality garbage being vomited out of a factory in Chongqing, it represents a Renaissance of in-person, Seeing Is Believing when it also comes with Holding and Weighing shopping.
I for one would like to thank the creators of this scam- and the creators of the Crystal Bookcase Coffee Mug scam, and the creators of the Realistic Easter Bunny Robot that Responds to Commands Scam, and basically the creators of every Artificial Intelligence Scam for their contributors to Making Capitalism Communal Again. Dare I go a step further and dream of a time when nobody believes ANYTHING they see online and insist on doing everything in person?
While we're waiting for the completion of the Death Certificate, I'd like to point you to my new Merch Store. It's the only place you can buy this beautiful hand-crafted headstone celebrating the death of the QR code, currently half-price ($39.99, normally $79.99.) It will bring good luck to your, um, cemetery, or something.
Is it just me? Am I the only one out there who thinks that maybe the time to shut off your brain and get carried away into a little fantasy where you're conducting an orchestra is NOT while you're cruising down the road at high speed in a heavy plastic, metal and chrome vehicle with two little kids who are kind of counting on you in the back seat?
What exactly is the purpose of "hands-free" driving anyway? What are you supposed to be doing with your hands other than keeping them on the wheel while for every second the car is in movement you are putting lives, including your own, in danger? I know we decided years ago that the awesome responsibility of moving that Point A to Point B-mobile was not so large that it couldn't be augmented with music, Bluetooth, texting, etc. but the last time I checked one state after another was passing laws requiring that if we were going to be drive distracted we must at LEAST accept that our hands should be on the wheel. So that's over now?
I guess this just makes sense in a world where people regularly send and read texts from their phones while hurling themselves in their deadly four-wheeled missiles down highways or slowly rolling through suburban streets surrounded by little children who ought to be indoors if they don't want to be at risk of being killed by Busy Busy Perpetually Connected Adults in Cars. I'm still a little astonished that I woke up one day and found myself on a planet where an ad encourages people to daydream - with their hands off the wheel- even if they've got little children who've involuntarily placed their lives in their hands sitting innocently in the back. As the cool kids text, just SMH.
Seriously, what the hell? When did we adults wake up and decide that dressing ourselves was impossibly complicated, we need help, and we're willing to pay for it? People in my generation remember snarking on Garanimals because that line featured matching animal labels which made it easier for harassed, exhausted parents to figure out what tops went with what bottoms. Ok, it's kind of stupid and juvenile but as it turns out people who used the little animal hints were freaking Daniel Boone carving out villages in the wilderness compared to today's bunch which apparently can't leave the house because- yes, I guess it's true- we don't know how to dress at all anymore.
Never mind "First World Problems." This is next-level, people. We need to be able to project pants and shirts onto our bodies before we purchase them- and, no doubt, get some AI to assure us that we won't be laughed at when we leave the house wearing our purchases. Because thirty years of the internet and twenty years of iPhones and online shopping have left our ability to navigate through everyday life in the gutter.
We don't cook anymore- there's fast food and FACTOR and DoorDash for that. We don't drive anymore- the cars basically do that themselves, and this is JUST as I got used to using Maps and Garmin for directions. We don't read anymore- why read, when you can Watch? Choosing an outfit to wear in public five days a week (pajamas are fine Saturdays, Sundays and for plane trips) was just the next little job for Something Else to Do For Us.
Because it just isn't the holidays unless at least one person at the gathering is obsessively gambling on sporting events while keeping his phone half-hidden under the table. And you certainly aren't a gambling addict unless you view every moment of the day in terms of odds and margins.
Like pretty much all ads for FanDuel, SportsKings, and the other Celebration of Economically Crippling, Family Destroying Addiction, this one is played for laughs while being pretty much the opposite of Funny. Seriously, if someone in your family is distracted by a gambling app during a holiday meal, maybe you should get together with the others and plan an Intervention. Before he comes to you to ask for a short-term loan or a couch to sleep on or a cosigner on an apartment rental because Dallas didn't cover in the Thanksgiving afternoon game against Detroit.
"Happy Holidays?" Might as well show this guy slipping into the closet to take a swig of rum from the flask hidden in his pocket or stepping into the cold for a quick smoke. When will television get it- ADDICTION ISN'T FUNNY and GAMBLING DOESN'T ADD VALUE TO SPORTS? The answer is: a few thousand broken homes and any point-shaving scandal now, we promise.
...in that you definitely need to be living the lifestyle depicted here to afford this ridiculous, unreliable money pit of a motorized vehicle.
Want a Range Rover? Better already own a paid-off Range to Rove. And yes, you should also have a paid-off Manor to park it in front of when it's not in the shop (which will be often if you actually try to use it to Rove your Range.) And you should make sure that you have a pile of cash to dig into when your stupid LookAtMeMobile/Compensation Purchase breaks down because as I implied in the first paragraph, these things are notorious for their need of regular, expensive maintenance and repairs. The Check Engine light on these things better come with heavy duty bulbs because they have to work harder than any other part.
If these stupid things could talk, they wouldn't be describing the Range. They'd be describing the interior of your local mechanic's shop. Hard pass.
Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!
Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now. Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous. I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this? Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world. It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.
Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.) Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was.
Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week? No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.
There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes. Is detergent the Audi for the masses? Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?
Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...." Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.
Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier. Here's the thing, though: Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year. That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA. So whose massive house is she sitting in?
Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers. You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball. She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball. In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game. Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job. This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream. It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier. It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.
The part that gets me about this ad for $6 pancake deals is the "every day" line. I get it- they just mean that the deal is available every day. They don't expect you to show up every day for pancakes, hash browns, side meats and butter, butter and more butter. But it IS 2025 after all- there are many, many people out there who hit Starbucks for coffee milkshakes every morning and Taco Bell every lunch break and whatever is a Special on Uber Eats for dinner, so now I kind of wonder- does IHOP want this to be an every day thing? I mean, it's a day's worth of calories for six dollars....
...a nightmare world/Twilight Zone Episode where everyone in a surface-level-upscale suburban community has filled their McMansions with IKEA and Dollar Store-Quality junk, probably because they spent all their money on more house than they can afford and the Lexus they are paying on at $999 a month, $3499 down, for the next seven years.
I can totally see this being a trend. After all, the neighbors see that flashy Entertainment Center/Overcompensation On Wheels sitting in your driveway. They rarely see what kind of furniture you have; they sure don't have time to inspect it beyond the superficial glance. If the lamp turns on, if the sofa doesn't collapse, if the coffee table can handle the load of your coffee cup without creaking- well, it must be excellent quality because come on, if you could swing that Lexus you'd spare no expense inside the house, right? The neighbors aren't going to detect the particleboard and they aren't going to lift the lamps and realize that for all their solid appearance their weight suggests thin plastic rather than ceramic. In short, the facade will probably hold up as long as they never look too closely- and as long as they stay fixated on that Lexus.
The other option is to buy a practical, 10-year old car and modest quality furniture on Facebook Marketplace (that's what I did, because I'm smart and I'm not out to impress anyone; good thing, too.) I mean, when the Lexus gets repossessed, or the neighbors over for cocktails (is that something people still do?) finally do notice that your house is furnished with fiberboard and Aaron's Selloff -level junk electronics- when the gild is finally peeled off- where will your reputation built on a house of cards be then?
I get that there's supposed to be a double meaning to "gut feeling" here- like, eating this ultra-produced garbage is supposed to be good for your gut while at the same time encouraging you to go with your spontaneous notion of doing something fun. Because I'm a curmudgeon, I have a few issues with this message:
1. There's nothing about this stuff that is good for your gut. It's Diabetes in a Bowl and should not be consumed by anyone who is more interested in their long-term health than their short-term satisfaction. Not a good choice for anyone who cares more about what's in their food than how pretty it looks in a bowl of milk (which no one should be drinking after the age of 6 or so anyway.)
2. The "gut feeling" that leads to a romp in the bouncy castle is called a "sugar rush" and yeah I guess it's a better way to use that quick energy spike than just continuing to sit on your ass watching that middle-aged pouch above your belt get bigger, but what do you do in ten minutes when the crash ends and you're hungry again (in many cases, hungrier than before you consumed that bowl of worthless carbohydrates and dairy your body hasn't needed since you were an infant?) Oh right, I know- either eat more sugar to keep that feeling going (but sugar isn't an addictive drug, so don't you dare suggest otherwise) or take a nap, at which time your body will store the unused energy as adipose tissue. Either way, you lose.
3. A couple of eggs and a piece of fruit (NOT JUICE) would have given you more energy and it would have lasted much longer, besides leaving you satiated for hours, not minutes. But it doesn't look or taste like candy so it's a hard pass, I guess. Again, though- sugar's not addictive. 🙄
If the Baptists and Calvinists are right, I will find this film playing in an endless loop in the Afterlife. I will be like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, being forced to consume this painful dreck as payment for all of my sins in this life.
How much do I hate this film? Let me count the ways....
Steve Martin plays the father of a spoiled rotten horror of a daughter who is pulverized by all around him for daring to object to her plans for a monstrously expensive ceremony that would have made the Romanovs blush in their heyday. Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, with the same hairstyle and lack of emotional range she showed in every film the appeared in for the better part of three decades, constantly assaulting us with a smile that would make any sane person want to smash her face in with an ice pick.
Martin is condemned by his daughter and wife for daring to even suggest that maybe, just maybe, $250 per plate is a ridiculous expense for what is essentially an afterparty for people who donated a day of their lives to watch people get married. He gets eyerolls and sighs from the people who will NOT be contributing a single dime to the expenses, especially when he suggests that the event planner and his assistant not be included on the guest list. BTW, $250 in 1991 is $661 today.
Unable to get any sympathy- or even the courtesy of a fair hearing- from his family, and being the most disgusting Simp I've ever seen on film, Martin's character goes off to the local grocery store, tears hot dog buns out of their packages because he "only needs" 12 buns to go with his pack of 12 hot dogs, and verbally assaults the minimum-wage workers who question his actions. This guy can't stand up to his ridiculous wife and daughter but he'll blow off steam to customer service people who don't live in huge mansions and don't have to worry about financing over-the-top weddings because they'll never have the bank account to even consider them. He gets arrested and is put into a jail cell, because that's definitely how the the police would handle petty vandalism/theft committed by a rich middle-aged white man in 1991.
When his wife shows up to bail him out, she makes him listen to a lecture first about how "we can afford this wedding" because they don't go to Europe and they don't have fancy cars. Time to apply the ice pick again. Lady, your husband is the only reasonable person in this entire film. It's not about being able to afford this over-the-top spectacle. It's about looking at a situation like a freaking adult and not bending over backwards to accommodate a spoiled, starry-eyed little girl and her enabler hey-it's-not-MY-money mother.
To top it all off, at the end of the film the bride and groom depart the ceremony without even saying goodbye to the Dad who ultimately caved in on every demand and dumped his wallet onto the table so his little girl could be Princess for a Day. I know she comes back and there's a happy ending (though, to my mind, the only happy here is that it Ends*) but long before that happens I don't care anymore because I'm sick of one of my favorite comedians being kicked around by the people who see him as a walking ATM and are annoyed that he opens his mouth to speak when he should just be writing checks. Just, gross.
And I never even got to discuss Martin Short's portrayal of what 1990s audiences figured a gay wedding planner (he's gay because he's male; we all know straight men can't be wedding planners, that would be Gay) would look like. So yeah, it's even slightly worse than I described.
*There's a sequel in which both wife and daughter are pregnant at the same time, which leads to more massive draining of Dad's bank account because Of Course It Does. Even Martin Short is back for some reason. I've never seen it and I never will- unless the endless loop movie in hell is a Double Feature.
"She started college last week, and already she's homesick..."
Well, yeah. Generally being homesick is an initial emotion when you go away to school or anywhere else for the first time. It tends to wear off after a while. So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to point out that this girl is "already" homesick. This is still very new for her.
To alleviate homesickness, she wonders how she might make her* dorm room more "homey." So she asks Google and gets a bunch of great ideas on how to get into heavy credit card debt quickly rather than just giving herself time to get the f--k over it. Before you know it, she's got the place tripped out in what Google's AI has decided is Southwestern motif. How much did this cost? Who cares? Everyone keeps talking about how great the job market is for college graduates plus I hear there's this loan forgiveness program so no worries, right?
*Is that her roommate walking in at the end? Was she consulted before all this new stuff was ordered? Is she into Southwestern Decor? Or is this just a case of "hey, if you didn't want the place you live in completely redecorated without your input, you shouldn't have gone away for the weekend, especially when you know your roommate is a self-absorbed homebody?"
When I first saw this ad, without sound, I thought that one guy had walked in on a second guy attempting to provide emergency aid for a third guy suffering a heart attack. When I watched it to the end, I realized that it was for some toasted cheese, carbohydrate-and-fat-wrap. In other words, while I was wrong in my initial impression, I wasn't really THAT far off the mark. The guy on the floor might not be suffering a heart attack in this commercial, but let's be serious. If he really eats like this, it's only a matter of time.
And BTW, what the freaking hell is this house? Am I supposed to know who these people are? Are they famous sports figures, or actors, or even (gag) "influencers?" Never mind, don't care. If this is truly a slice of THEIR lives, they are not long for this world anyway. No point in getting to know them.
No, it certainly isn't. None of this. And none of it distracts from the fact that Uber Eats is an environment-wrecking, exploitative horror show of a business which abuses it's drivers, generates massive waste in paper, plastic and fossil fuel usage, and (no pun intended) feeds America's obesity epidemic by encouraging even LESS movement while also contributing to skyrocketing credit card debt with usury-level markups (it's never been easier to sit on your overfed ass and spend money you don't have on junk food you don't need- just open that app, swipe your finger across the screen, and in the blink of an eye you're down another $30 minimum for a meal that would cost half as much if you had picked it up on the way home from work.)
In my experience, only local dealerships make ads promoting used cars. But this ad isn't created by a local dealership; it was actually produced and paid for by Stellantis (a name you will not hear mentioned in any Jeep ad because car owners in the know associate Stellantis with quality as nutrition experts associate Taco Bell with healthy.)
This ad features several Jeep products that have been discontinued by the manufacturer, before the company became a billion-dollar hot potato. Jeep was originally an AMC product but was then purchased by Chrysler, which eventually dumped it on Stellantis. Today only one model is produced at the old plant in Toledo, Ohio. The others are made in- you guessed it- China.
The current Jeep Stellantis product allegedly being pitched in this ad in between cuts of older automobiles of much higher quality is not a Jeep at all, but an SUV. Which begs the question- if you are in the market for an SUV, why on Earth would you buy one from THIS company? On the other hand, actual Jeeps produced earlier in this century are available from used car lots for a fraction of the cost of this hideous, unreliable monstrosity trying to catch a free ride on the back of its predecessors.
Here are my two favorite comments concerning this ad, courtesy of YouTube:
"Comes with a Check Engine Light and a Backorder on Parts."
"Conclusions: 1) the Jeep became and SUV, and 2) hold on to your old models, as they will rise in value."
Bottom Line: The "Jeep" name may still Influence people to buy a pile of Chinese Crap that will be in the shop more often than their driveways, but that's nothing to be proud of because the current crop of vehicles being vomited out of Asia are buggy, badly-built money pits being pitched using nostalgia bait and nothing more. And don't forget- they are made by Stellantis and nobody thinks Stellantis is a reliable car maker.
1. It's pretty juvenile. I mean, do adults really need to be told that if they max out their credit cards, they make themselves poor credit risks and therefore lower their credit scores? Maybe the damage done by getting rid of their longest credit line is less mainstream knowledge, but come on.
2. While providing good (albeit very basic, No Duh) advice, it also feeds the audience a poisoned pill mixed in with the nutritious stuff- No, it is NOT a good idea to sign up for and use several credit cards instead of just one. That's actually really stupid, because it can lead to people masking their debt by spreading it over several different sources. It's also hypocritical, because this company- like every other credit-issuing company- will be quick to offer opportunities to consolidate debt into one card, as long as it's theirs.
3. In the end, there's only one reason to use credit cards beyond emergency situations, and that's to earn rewards points. I understand that rewards points are actually bad for people who don't hold credit cards because they raise prices for everyone while providing benefits for members only. I just don't care, because I'm a cardholder and especially because I'm a Boomer and everyone knows Boomers are all done caring about people who are not Them. Truth hurts.
"Is this self-parody, or are they really being serious here?"
I mean, the only thing we're missing in this repurposed Reagan '84 ad is someone eating a hot dog with one hand and apple pie with the other. This is not Everyday Commercial Cringe. It's what Skynet would create if asked to create Cringe. It's Cringe on an Epic Level.
Nobody in the comment section* thinks that this is a good ad. The only thing anyone wants to know is- is this for real? Is RAM trying to make us laugh, or making fun of us. or what?
*there's actually one person here who claims to love this ad "and America." But it has to be a bot. It just has to.
Quick Boomer Tip: Avoid companies that use words like "Patriot" or "Liberty" or "Freedom" in their names. Those are cheap marketing ploys designed to tweak a very smooth part of the brain that should never, ever be used in making purchasing decisions.
The "4Patriots" solar generator - proudly made in China, perhaps even in the same factory that makes Trump Watches and MAGA caps- has a ton of terrible reviews describing it as cheaply-made, unreliable, and overpriced. So it's not really "4Patriots"- it's for really shallow people who measure patriotism based on how many American flags they display and how many times they voted for a convicted felon/cult leader/Russian asset carnival barker. You know, people who are already in the dark in every other respect so won't mind being let down by a piece-of-junk-garbage generator if it's called "4Patriot." Just tell them they're owning the Libs.
I don't know what these two jackass multimillionaires are pretending to joke about, nor do I care. All that matters to me is that they are doing it in service of an addictive app that ruins marriages, finances, friendships, and lives. With great big smiles on their faces.
Because there's no such thing as Enough Money, I guess.
The actual content of this ad? Who cares? I don't gamble. The people I respect most in the world could not convince me to gamble. These guys are so far from the people I respect most in the world, they aren't even in the same universe. And they sure didn't gain any points when they decided to make this crap.
You guys are so damn enamored of your stupid electronic devices that your kids are totally free-range. In every scene, the kids are jumping around while their alleged "parents" are staring a phone, only getting attention when they seem to be on the verge of destroying another piece of conspicuous consumption.
Then, once the problem of untrained children jumping on furniture is "solved" with the purchase of a trampoline, the "parents" go right back to ignoring those kids- never mind that every single trampoline sold in the United States comes with a warning not to let children play on them without parental supervision. The "parents" are close enough to notice a seriously hurt child and are holding a device that can connect with emergency services so it's all good, I guess. I bet these wonderful people are even committed to glancing outside to "check" on the kids during moments the dopamine hits from the entertainment the phone is providing is interrupted.
I don't understand this mindset at all. Those children you chose to have are going to be children only for a moment. This is the time to revitalize your own youth, and build permanent emotional bonds, by engaging with your offspring. Instead, you choose to act like they are annoyances distracting you from the REAL joy of your life- a freaking phone. Your priorities are absolutely insane. Your kids are being denied real parents, and you are denying YOURSELVES the joy of experiencing your children's innocent youthful joy- for this?
Don't come to me complaining that your kids grew up too fast or, now that they are out of the house, never visit. You reap what you sow. Turn the damn phone off. Turn the damn tv off. Engage with your kids. Ok rant over.
I suppose that if the salesmen at Lincoln are going to dress like Euro Trash and carry themselves with the air of high-end jewelry dealers, the customers should show up wearing clothes you'd think would be reserved for dinners at high-end restaurants, so ok. And because it's 2025, there's no reason for the prospective customer to do anything other than sit in the car, lovingly stroke the steering wheel, and fantasize about actually owning it while appreciating the big screen and all the other bells and whistles that have nothing to do with safety ratings, fuel economy, or all that other stuff everyone used to be concerned with but now apparently nobody is.
The Lincoln Aviator- so-called, I assume, because it's only slightly smaller than a passenger plane- has a base-model MSRP price of $62000. The version featured in this ad runs closer to $70k. So no, I am not going to be getting one of these Summer Invitations. I'll manage.
That should be the final line of this ridiculously maudlin, overproduced ad for ridiculously overpriced, overproduced dead chicken parts.
Kentucky Fried Chicken was the brainchild of a guy who had a vision/dream of making tons of money selling, well, fried chicken to the masses. He worked very hard to get the spices just right and was "obsessed" (I guess, I mean I'm just using the tagline in this ad) with quality control because he was the face of the company after all. When I was a kid and I was treated maybe once a year or so to Kentucky Fried Chicken, I thought it was the best food in the whole world and I imagined that when I was a grownup and could eat whatever I wanted I would consume it all the time.
Thing is, KFC's decline in quality in the 21st century is a very well-known, off-repeated story. I haven't eaten it in at least twenty years, but from what I've heard the chicken is now blander (less fatty, less distinct in taste,) the sides are also dull, stores are notoriously lacking in cleanliness, and the overall value is really lacking. Yet the prices are extremely high (Kentucky Fried Chicken was ALWAYS an expensive choice for fast food, but when it was known for being tasty that was ok) for smaller, drier pieces that look nothing like the ones seen on TV.
Simply put, if all this guff about the Colonel is true, he'd probably be ashamed of what has become of his franchise. Unless KFC is going to pump billions of dollars into restoring the company to it's former glory, these ads are kind of a slap in the face. Who cares if Colonel Sanders was "obsessed" with quality? The guy has been dead since 1980, and the people who have been carrying out his "mission" dropped the ball decades ago and don't seem any more interested in bringing my childhood back than anyone else. Give me a break.
...and the even worse people who enjoy it (I mean, take a quick look at the comments. How predictable can you get? "My dog loves this ad," "This commercial reminds me of my dog," "my dog reacts to this ad and goes to check her own puppies," and on and on and on. Hand me a freaking barf bag.)
This is just super-cheap, super-manipulative Twee on a Stick. No actors are needed, so that saves money. Just put three dogs in a freaking car and run a camera for a few seconds and add music and images and there you are- a group of innocent, clueless animals have been used to sell a car-- by highlighting a ridiculously mundane feature. You can strap your kid into a car seat in the back of a 2004 Honda Civic, strap an iPad to the back of the passenger seat, and accomplish the same thing. You don't have to buy an overpriced Subaru for chrissakes.
And if this car is "Dog Approved," dogs should feel free to buy it. I mean, I was already sick of getting the opinions of babies and young children when it came to the purchase of a non-asset that depreciates in value the moment it leaves the lot and is a savage money vampire for as long as one owns it. I do NOT care if "dogs approve" of Subarus because NO DOG HAS EVER PURCHASED A SUBARU AND NO DOG EVER WILL, and if I ever buy a Subaru NO DOG WILL EVER HELP ME MAKE THE PAYMENTS.
So this morning I got this email from Planet Fitness: In "honor" of my birthday, here's a chance to pick up an overpriced pair of shorts from Fabletics for $10 instead of the Normal, Perfectly Sane price of $75. Remember, this is for a pair of shorts.
I can smell a scam from a mile away, but I go ahead and check out the "offer." Yep, I can pick out a pair of $75 shorts for only $10- but wait, there doesn't seem to be any limit to how many pairs I can order at that price. I put two random pairs into a virtual basket, check the total and- yep, it comes to $20 plus $6.95 shipping. Wow, $150 "worth" of shorts for $26.95, that doesn't seem sketchy at all.
I really want to see where the catch is so I go ahead and go to Billing- and there it is, in fine print you could easily miss (though admittedly does include a box you must click) under Terms and Conditions- you know, that thing people usually just skip over and DON'T read. Clicking the agreement signs you up to some kind of "club" that gives you "access" to regular 80 percent discounts on fitness swag. Once I join up, I'll have regular opportunities to buy reasonably-priced shorts, shirts, etc. that looks like a huge bargain because of the inflated, I-Bet-Nobody-Actually-Buys-It-At-These-prices.
The "membership" costs $59.95 a month. No kidding. Sixty bucks a month to have the opportunity to buy shorts and tees at a discount. Oh, but you can "skip" as many months as you want, as long as you go to the website, find the "skip" option, and click it before the 5th day of the month. Every month. Which means that there are a LOT of people out there who regularly forget to skip months and find themselves spending sixty bucks accidentally, no doubt encouraging them to go ahead and buy something at a discount so that it's not a total loss.
Yeah, hard pass, Planet Fitness. I don't care if you've partnered with Fabletics; my idea of a "birthday gift" is not to get locked into some ridiculous Buyer's Club. I have enough shorts, I have enough tees, but I don't have enough money to throw it away on this nonsense. I do have enough sense to read the fine print, though. Sorry not Sorry.
When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.
I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show. I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.
Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry. Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked. I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company. I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever.
Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?" You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early? Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?
Notice all those places offering Payday Loans? You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently? It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.
Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip. Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.
What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday. This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans. It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it. It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid. Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country.
By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody. Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices. I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs. I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down. Made, Bed, Lie and all that. I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.
1. This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director." I guess he's late? I guess there are no parking lots here?
2. Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer? He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take? I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?
3. The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen. Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car. Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.
4. "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line? Um, too much. But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag. Dude, it's a Volkswagen. I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana. I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this. There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."
There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.
There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider." Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance? Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?) No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning. So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.
I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare. I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years. I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.
Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular. If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything? I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman. Why isn't her husband doing the talking here? He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones. It's Biblical, after all.
That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"
1. Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City? Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week? Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week? I mean, what the hell?
2. What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis? Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks? What exactly is going on here?
I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.
This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough. Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick. I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is.
Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor. It's probably on the floor. It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)
1. I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house. Are they just Friends with Benefits? Then why is he washing her clothes? Is that one of the benefits?
2. Let's pretend this is her house. She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt? Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway? Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies. But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?
3. If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it? Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer? What the hell is going on here?
4. In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well. Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks. Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?
The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic. I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.
Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad. It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides. It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for. Did she wake up upset about losing her husband? No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation.
Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.* Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever. Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills. If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world.
If you find yourself driving away from a dealership in a new car worried that you've somehow pulled a fast one on that dealership that will get you in trouble with the law, I have some news for you:
1. The salesman played you like a fiddle and you haven't read the fine print.
2. You are an absolute moron who probably thinks that scratch off tickets and online gambling are good, affordable fun.
3. (closely associated with #1,) you have no idea how much you paid compared to how much that Rapidly Depreciating non-Asset is actually worth.
4. The most charitable thing I can say about you is that you are an actor in a Hyundai Commercial and you are being paid to pretend to be ridiculously enthusiastic about your purchase of a freaking Hyundai.
And if you AREN'T an actor in a Hyundai Commercial, well....I really don't know what else to tell you except, no, you have not Beaten the House at the dealership. Knowing nothing about the "deal" you made, I know with absolute certainty that you paid too much, not too little, and the dealership is not wondering how on Earth you got the better of them because that did not happen and has never happened in the history of Anything. You don't have to hide out anywhere. Nobody is coming after you. That won't happen until you fail to make payments at some point in the next 72 months of the contract and the repo man is hunting for that Hyundai at the behest of the dealership or the bank. THEN you'll be needing the use of your mom's garage to hide it. Moron.
"Hi, I'm Alex Trebek, and I wasn't satisfied with being a world-famous multi-millionaire cultural icon as a Senior Citizen. I decided to adopt the philosophy 'there's no such thing as enough money' and decided to sign on with Colonial Penn to scam Senior Citizens afraid of burdening their loved ones with burial costs into parting with some of their fixed income and buy nonsense garbage 'life insurance.'"
Now that Trebek is dead, his grift has been taken over by other aging celebrities who are trusted faces to the television-addicted, mostly lower-middle-class Over-65 crowd. These cretins show up hundreds of times a day in cheap commercials mainly broadcast during the daylight hours when only Seniors and small children are watching to stoke the fires of anxiety among the elderly who for some reason are concerned about what happens when they die and the kids who never visit get stuck with a bill. Maybe they are afraid that their ridiculously expensive, selfish burial requests won't be honored and the kids will cremate them or the very most pay for a less-pompous Memorial to their Mediocre Lives than the elderly person asked for, as if it matters one tinker's damn what the stone above the corpse box looks like.
So the elderly person who regularly complains that their Social Security payments are too low decides to splurge on $9.95 a month to buy Colonial Penn Life Insurance. This will teach the kids to stop complaining about the weekly scratch-off purchase, as it's an even worse investment than the lottery. $9.95 buys one "Unit" of insurance, which if purchased at the age of 50 (and NOBODY buys Colonial Penn life insurance at the age of fifty, come on) will pay off a whopping $1600 when the idiot passes away. Just about covering the cost of the cold cuts, soft drinks and coffee served at the Wake.
Maybe. That's assuming that Colonial Penn even pays out before the funeral and burial. Chances are excellent that you'll still be filling out forms and calling automated voice menus long after grandma has been placed under her Very Disappointing Dead Person Buried Here Sign Made out of Stone. If the beneficiaries followed instructions, that tiny amount of money will HELP pay the bills still coming in for the Opposite of Birthday Party. If the beneficiaries had more common sense than consideration for the wishes of a person who is no longer here to complain and literally has no way of knowing or caring what became of their (hopefully mostly harvested) organs, the check from Colonial Penn makes a significant dent in the debt accrued by the passing of the insured.
In the long run, the much better option is to just stick $10 a month into a regular interest-bearing account every month and skip the Colonial Penn Middlemen. If you do this at the age of 60 and live to the age of 81 like the average American Woman (and these commercials heavily target women,) you'll have over $2500 to leave to the person you designate to handle your funeral (you know, the child you like the least.) If you opt for cremation like a sensible person, and I'll really take your "I don't want to be a burden" claims seriously.
1. There are only two possible reasons why Webull would be the Official Financial Advisors (or something, I'm not watching this again) of the Tampa Bay Rays. First, Webull could be too small to attract sponsorship from a good ballclub. Second, all of the other teams already get financial advice from companies people outside the Tampa area have actually heard of.
2. There's an ad running during Rays games showing every big moment celebrated by the team in it's 27-year existence. It's about 20 seconds long.
I suppose a "classic" American Boardwalk must include the following ingredients: At least several dozen places to get ice cream, pizza, French fries, and hot dogs, at least one arcade which includes video came consuls from the 1980s, at least a dozen places to buy trademark-violating custom-print t-shirts,* and at least at least a dozen or so tiny convenience stores selling candy, chips, soda, cigarettes and beach toys, chairs and umbrellas at ridiculous markups. It's also important that the "classic" American Boardwalk include at least several restaurants and bars featuring outdoor patio seating and a karaoke-quality steel drum band (dealing out daily doses of Margaritaville and Sweet Caroline.)
Hampton Beach has all this stuff in spades, so yeah it qualifies as a Classic American Boardwalk. And for maybe the 40th summer in a row it's where I'll be the last week of July, so no updates here until next weekend. Enjoy the archives and please, if it's not too much trouble, click on an ad from time to time!
*If it's a Presidential Election Year, the t-shirt shops are dominated by Conservative/Republican crap; since 2016, appealing heavily to the MAGA cult crowd. New Hampshire may be a (barely) blue state, but the clientele at Hampton Beach is largely redneck and predominately Stupid. Still like the beach, though.
The narrator keeps saying "checkers." Except for the checkers-like pieces, playing this game is nothing like playing checkers. It's Tic Tac Toe.
"Pretty sneaky sis" after having to have sis's win explained to him doesn't give me much hope for the future for this boy. I hope he turned out ok, but jeeeeeeeeessssh kid.....
Today this blog went past the 4 million view mark. Only took fifteen and a half years!
1. I suppose it's conceivable that way back in the halcyon days of 2007 it was still considered an ok idea for a girl to have a guy she doesn't know show up at her front door to take her on a blind date instead of meeting him in a public place with transportation to and from that public place arranged in advance, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe it helps that both the guy and the girl in this ad (and the video quality) suggests that the guy and girl are living in the 1980s, but YouTube tells me this is from 2007. Maybe it was just posted in 2007 and the commercial actually dates to the 1980s? It certainly has that vibe. In any case, this is a bad idea in the 1980s, 2000s and today. Don't do this, lady.
2. The guy immediately lays down the law- he's not spending any more than ($30 if this is set in 2007, $15 if it's set in the 1980s) on this date, and if this girl can't deal, she should just close the door on his face right now. I'm 100 percent in favor of her closing the door on his face right now, because in either fifty or 17 years unless he grows some confidence and has that chip surgically removed from his shoulder he's not going to be showing up at the doors of unfamiliar girls unless all the girls he actually knows already have restraining orders against him, and he's going to be spending most of his evenings on Alpha Male Incel forums complaining about Chad.
3. The girl is totally charmed by this guy's "I'm broke, I know you don't respect me so I'm just letting you know I'm not spending money on you so if that's not something you can deal with just let me know so I can run home and complain about You Modern Women on the Socials" speech and would love to go out for a cheeseburger, soda and movie, never mind that her date has just let her know that he has the self-esteem of a goldfish and thinks that because she has female body parts she's a gold-digging grifter Like The Rest of ThemTM. So she's even more desperate than he is? At least respond with "ok that's fine, and I'm letting you know straight out that I am NOT letting you in my pants tonight and it has nothing to do with the car you drive or the amount of money you spend on me. It's got to do with the fact that this is a first date but more, that you've already revealed yourself to be a woman-hating creep. And I'm sorry I was dumb enough to arrange for you to meet me at my address, and I'll be driving myself to McDonald's and then the movie and then home to change my phone number."
I have never in my entire life been as excited about anything as much as these people are over the prospect of being able to accrue debt at a lower interest rate. I wish I could work up this level of enthusiasm over something- anything. But then, I didn't go to an Etsy shop to order a t-shirt emblazoned with my credit score,* so I guess me and fun are never in the same room.
*the average American's credit score is 715. I have no idea what that first couple is excited about. A score in the mid-600s is nothing to fist-pump about. NONE of this is is anything to fist-pump about. Or dance about. I don't know what is going on here. But I wouldn't go outside wearing a "Credit Score 645" shirt.
Here's a clue: Taking a piece of plastic garbage, painting it green, and giving it a duckbill might make it a pretty, cute piece of garbage but it doesn't make it any more than a cute piece of garbage.
Also, there is no way to make vacuuming "fun," no matter how adorable or light the vacuum is. If you are wandering around looking for little messes to clean up you are lost and you need to break free from whatever cult brainwashing you've gone through.
Also, if you really think that anything recharged with a USB port can generate this level of suction power for more than a few minutes before it needs to be plugged in again for several hours/days, well, you have a lot to learn about the laws of thermodynamics. This is as credible as the pocket-sized aqualung thingee that was supposed to let you breathe underwater for hours or the umbrella that used air to deflect the rain or the tiny portable air conditioners that can make your backyard feel like a frozen tundra during a heat wave. Sense it does not make. Creating a "vortex" (because that sounds cool) takes a large amount of energy, which means you need a big, heavy battery or a power cord connected to an outlet. Sorry, but there is no third alternative and until Physics Itself is turned on its head, there won't be.
In short, Horsepower Duck is a really stupid, really obvious scam and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it sold a million units and made some Shark Tank Dropout really, really rich. Because come on, we are a very dumb People.
Hey look- not only does this clown commit to spending a ridiculous amount of money over a ridiculous amount of time* on a ridiculously overrated Point A to Point B-mobile, not only does he skip out on the job he'll rely on to pay for it to complete the purchase, but he does it with a huge shit-eating grin on his ridiculously punchable face.** Some, please, punch this guy's face.
When that someone gets done punching this guy's face, remind him that between 19th century-level tariffs and deep gashes in the social safety net, a lot of people are hurting right now and are struggling to pay for the absolute basics- food, housing, and medical care. A version of December to Remember ads in the middle of the summer is hardly a welcome sight. Every day Americans commit to spending too much money on BASIC, USED automobiles because for most of us, a car is a paycheck-devouring necessity and not something we buy so it will look good in our driveways and show well for our trophy girlfriends/wives.
*a base trim BMW X5 starts at $69,310- and this is being advertised as a DROP of $10,000 over last year's version. With no money down, that translates to $825 per month for SEVEN YEARS. That doesn't include interest*** and more important it doesn't include insurance, which I should not have to tell you is astronomical on cars like this. Realistically, we are talking about an investment of at least $1200 a month over eighty-four months, or a ridiculous one hundred thousand dollars- for a depreciating asset. Buddy, nobody should be buying cars like this. But the absolute LAST thing you should be doing is playing hooky on your job to do it. Dealerships are open on weekends and they aren't going to run out of Stupid, Ruinous Impulse Purchases with Wheels, moron.
**has he even finished paying the delivery fee on that trophy wife yet?
***not one American in a thousand will qualify for the advertised 2.99% interest rate, though probably a much higher number of Americans reasonably in the market for cars like this will. That 2.99% interest rate is for "Well-Qualified Buyers" who have FICO scores above 750. The average FICO score in the United States is 715, and that almost certainly translates to an interest rate much closer to 7.40% (the current average.) I've done enough research today, so YOU do the math on this one. You can't afford this car. Nobody can afford this car.
