"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can wake up every morning to a full charge."
And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can wake up every morning with a full tank of gas as long as you got it filled the night before. And you didn't have to have a charging station installed in your driveway (how much does THAT cost?)
"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can get X amount of miles per charge."
And with a car with an internal combustion engine, you can get X amount of miles per tank. And there's no searching for a gas station- they are still everywhere, and they'll continue to be everywhere. And it will take literally seconds to get your car filled with petrol at any of those gas stations. You won't need to consult Maps or Wayz or Whatever for the closest compatible charging station.
"With a new Chevy Equinox EV, you can take....um....take your kids places."
Do I even have to bother? You can do the exact same thing with a gas-powered automobile without any of the concern over having a charging station, finding a charging station, glitches that seem to pop up more and more often with EVs, etc. etc. ETC.
"The new Chevy Equinox. It's an EV not built by a company owned by a Fascist Lunatic."
"Eating like a King" at BK is like "shopping like a billionaire" at TEMU. As if members of a royal family are going to be chowing down on greasy, nutrition-deficient, high-fat, high-sugar, overpriced crap at the American Sludge Factory not called "McDonald's." But if you think that Jamie Foxx gets hyped over FanDuel, Shaq loves shopping at TEMU but appreciates the opportunity to stretch out his payments using Klarna, and Vivica Fox and Danica Patrick are super-pumped over the money they saved at CarShield, I guess you'll believe that King Charles is celebrating his successful cancer treatments with a $5 meal deal he picked up with his BK App and a quick run to the local drive-thru. My eyes are rolling out of my head.
Why the hell is Shaquille O'Neal pitching a Buy Now Pay Later service? Did his contract with Gold Bond Medicated Lotion end? Has The General Insurance stopped calling? Is he really this addicted to quick money available to famous people willing to pitch ANYTHING? Does he have too much "integrity" to whore for CarShield or Fake Medicare "add on" insurance?
All that being said- there are a lot of "Buy Now Pay Later is Ruining Finances" and "AfterPay, Klarna and other BNPL plans will destroy your life" stories out there. As a proper curmudgeon, I have just one reply to that: Claiming that Buy Now, Pay Later destroyed your finances is like saying that the bowl of candy in the breakroom destroyed your diet. Nobody makes you click that option, you ridiculous, financially illiterate idiots.
Heck, if you're a boomer, you probably even remember when "meme" wasn't a meme.
But being a big professional boxing fan for more than forty years now (I actually got see a boxing card live about 25 years ago, that was a very cool experience) this boomer has no problem remembering when Mike Tyson was one of those athletes whose fame transcended the sport he participated in. When he was every bit as recognizable as Manning, Mahomes, and Ohtani are today. When you think about the current state of boxing- with circus acts like Jake Paul taking up as much or even more media space as any of the actual champions (I bet more people can recognize Paul, who has yet to fight an actual boxer who isn't a joke or elderly,* than can recognize Alexander Usyk, the undefeated heavyweight champion of the world,) it's pretty remarkable that there was a time when the face of the heavyweight champion was almost universally known and when films about a heavyweight champion regularly dominated the box office. How times have changed.
And how the mighty have fallen. In the mid-1980s, Mike Tyson was making fun, lighthearted commercials for Pepsi. In the mid-2020s, he's pitching something called "Dr. Squatch" in commercials that can only be made weirder if you watch them without sound (which I did, on big screens at my gym. I had no idea what I was looking at, except that Mike Tyson was acting like he's acted at least since Lennox Lewis made him look like a bald punching bag back at the dawn of this century- a clown, or a cartoon character, or both.
*Paul's last joke opponent? Mike Tyson. Of course.
Want those clients to use your company again and again? Well, you could provide quality service at a good price. But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either. So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it. Or maybe a beer can cozy. Or a pen. That will "wow" them. For sure.
Want to keep those employees happy? Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020. But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense. So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side. And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs. That stuff will "wow" them. For sure.
I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint. That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become. Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on. She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.
So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you? You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it? You think that makes it "homemade?" I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still. Come on.
Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid? You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough? There's got to be a dozen servings there. And is this the whole meal? What the actual hell am I looking at here?
(Specifically, the two people in this ad, which is running roughly every ten freaking minutes on several of the televisions at my local Planet Fitness and would probably be even more cringey if I could hear whatever awkward weirdness these two idiots are stammering at each other.) Fortunately, PF is a No Judgement Zone so they won't throw you out for repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOD GET A FREAKING BOWL!" roughly every ten minutes, either.
So the sight of a clunky old typewriter in a pawn shop inspires this woman to become a writer? Is it safe to assume that if this commercial took place in the 1970s, she'd be starting her "writing career*" by purchasing a number of quill pens and jars of ink?
How long does she think that typewriter is going to last before it needs a new ribbon- and where is she going to find that? How long is the charm of a noisy, user-unfriendly, heavy chunk of metal with keys that jam every few sentences and a very lame back-erase feature (and another tape that has to be replaced) going to hold up? How long before this woman remembers that it's 2025 and we've got light laptops and printers now? How long before she realizes that the stupid typewriter might as well have a disclaimer that reads TALENT NOT INCLUDED? How long before she realizes that if she wants anyone to actually read her travel journal (instead of the four million travel journals already available on YouTube, Tiktok ,etc.) she's going to have to digitize it anyway, making the whole tappa tappa tappa typing thing just a stupid, pretentious extra step that would impress absolutely nobody even if they were told about it?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go my neighborhood pawn shop (I live in suburban Maryland. There are at least five pawn shops within a five-minute drive) and pick up a guitar so I can start my career as a rock star. Because that's how that works.
*I believe it was a Woody Allen character who critiqued the work of a wannabee novelist by remarking "that's not writing, that's typing." Whoever did say this, he was exactly right; battering away on a typewriter doesn't make one a writer any more than traveling to other countries makes one interesting. Try harder, lady.
Obsession(n): an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on one's mind.
This, to Verizon Fios, is a GOOD thing. And Verizon has got you covered, whatever your "obsession," as long as that Obsession involves being immobile on the couch staring at a glowing box and getting no fresh air or exercise or engaging in any actual social activity whatsoever.
As near as I can tell, what we're seeing is four or five Adults of Diversity playing a board game on a table decorated with rapidly-cooling junk food someone brought in (Uber Eats?) from Burger King. I guess at some point, the black woman has a temporary victory which causes her to go into a little dance, but it's only a temporary victory because at the end we see Not Bryce Howard being crowned with a greasy piece of cardboard so I guess she actually won the game- and meanwhile, that food hasn't been touched at all. Which means it's cold. Cold food from Burger King; if this is "ruling," I'll continue to refuse to participate in this political system, thanks anyway.
Seriously, though. Why is that food even there? Nobody really seems interested in consuming any of it. At the end, at least pop the junk into the microwave. I mean, yuck.
Can we agree that "Land Cruiser" is the most pretentious name Toyota could possibly have invented to label this more recent version of Gas-Guzzling, Parking-Space Straddling, Bank Account-draining Suburban Grocery Hauler?
I'll give Toyota a little credit for truth in advertising, at least- "Land Cruiser" suggests that this thing is basically a passenger ship that glides over pavement* instead of water. It's not a car, it's not a truck, it's a freaking Boat. It doesn't roll, it Cruises. It's massive. We get it, Toyota. And yet, we don't get it at all. Why IS this even a thing?
*We all know that not one person in a thousand who purchases one of these land-dwelling dirigibles is actually going to get it dirty with intent. These things are going to be used to bring kids to soccer practice on Saturday and everything else home from Costco on Sunday. Give me a break.
This one really brings me back to those special occasions in which I would receive an invitation from my mom and dad to grace them with my presence at dinner. I'd get dressed up, call a taxi, and head off to the spot designated on the invite at the specified time, all the while wondering what special event was being celebrated to rate such an event.
In the middle of dinner, mom or dad would make the announcement- usually it involved deciding to change paper towel providers, or getting the car washed, or some other once-in-a-lifetime moment that could only be marked properly with a sit-down meal at a restaurant. Sometimes the event was tied to the place we were celebrating at- I remember being summoned to the local McDonald's, 6 PM sharp Tuesday Next, to mark the temporary return of the McRib. And the time we were called to dine at Applebee's to toast the $10 coupon dad got for Applebee's. Magic Moments.
So I can definitely relate to this ad; it's a real slice of my own life. I don't get what this kid is saying about "making varsity" or some such, but it's certainly uncouth of him for trying to step on the designated Reason for the Meal- the availability of rubber low-grade beef and microwaved fish-flavored bread crumbs. What's his deal, anyway?
So in what I have to assume is a desperate attempt to get customers to pay good money for grade-B quality garbage, Golden Corral now allows you to fill up a plate and bring it home so that you can continue to punish your digestive system and heart at your convenience later on.
That being said, I have two things to add about the exchange between the mom and kid in this commercial:
1. It's bad enough that you are modeling the idea that eating at this pig trough is a good idea, stupid mom. At least have some level of economic acumen and don't encourage your kid to use the one plate he's got for broccoli. As cheap as those frozen butterfly shrimp and that "steak" is, they are still more valuable than that green weed. Let the kid go for the protein, such as it is.
2. Never in the history of Anything has a kid been this excited at the prospect of eating leftovers. The only way this makes sense is if the kid is expressing relief at having his order be take-out and being spared the experience of actually sitting in one of these "restaurants" (which, I promise, look nothing like the brightly-lit, spacious, clean sets we see in these ads.) As bad as that stuff must take when it's freshly microwaved, I don't want to think about what shoe leather it turns into once it starts to cool down. Hard Pass.
First let me say at the very outset that I did enjoy this film; I thought that the acting, with one or two glaring exceptions, was superb and the story was both important and well-told. The last thing I want to do is throw any shade on attempts to tell tough stories about the reality of the modern economy. Forty years ago, "Roger and Me" really opened my eyes to the reasons and consequences for the collapse of the middle class. "99 Homes" I think attempts to do much the same thing- and, as I said, I did enjoy this film- but also fails on a number of levels.
First- the ethos of the film seems to be that if you are already in a home and you are earnest in your belief that the house belongs to you, missing mortgage payments simply should not matter. If a bank requires a homeowner to live up to his contract, that bank is Evil and Wrong, especially if the homeowner has a wife and kids or is a senior citizen. In short, home ownership is a Sacred Right. I wonder if the writer of this film has the same grace toward renters who don't pay their rent- can we be evicted if we fail to pay? What if we have children? Is the right to renege on a contract exclusive to people who buy property?
Second- Laura Dern's character is just infuriating throughout the whole film. She lives with her son and grandson and "runs a business" (is a hairdresser) out of the home. She worries about money when they are forced to move into a motel but makes no effort to get an actual job that would pay a regular salary, being perfectly comfortable to put the entire burden on her son. Then she rages at her son for taking a job foreclosing homes- a job which will get them out of the motel and back into their home. Then, when he decides to sell the family home to buy a better one, she flies off the handle, insisting that she wants "their" home back and will not live in the new house.
Um, the old family home is not yours, lady. Your son bought it. He can sell it if he wants. What is the matter with you? Why are you acting as if you have a say in this? But it gets worse- she decides to take her GRANDSON away with her rather than live in the beautiful new house. Um, excuse me? How does she have the right to do this? Isn't this kidnapping? THAT IS NOT YOUR SON, LADY. If you "can't" live in the new house, there's the door. But you don't take the boy with you. What planet are you from, anyway?
Third- with one exception, every single person who faces eviction in this film is a victim of their own choices, yet acts as if they are under attack by "The Economy" and "The Rich" and "The Banks." At one point the "bad" guy points out that one couple failed to make their mortgage payments after taking out a stupid loan to add an extension they didn't need. That improvement could just as easily have been a swimming pool or a Disney vacation- it was a decision to borrow money which must now be repaid, but we are told to be angry at the creditors. The one exception is the guy at the end who keeps his house because of a technicality (an unfiled legal form) and not because he actually paid his mortgage. Warms the heart, it does.
I don't know- maybe I'm just getting cold-blooded in my old age, but my empathy meter didn't move much during this film (except for the widowed old guy who got scammed by a reverse mortgage; I felt bad for him.) Maybe it's because I've rented my entire adult life and even during the great housing fire sale of 2008 I didn't take the jump and tie myself down to 30 years of payments I was not sure I could make. Am I really supposed to have sympathy for people who have lived in appreciating assets during the same time but for some reason failed to make their payments? Because I don't. Someone explain to me why I should.
Michael Shannon is not a villain in this film, Andrew Garfield is not a villain in this film, and Laura Dern is not a heroine in this film (she's just a screechy anchor around her son's neck. And a kidnapper.) Ok, I'm done.
"I'm sure you're wondering why you brought you here to Golden Corral."
Yeah, is something wrong? I mean, this place is crap and with the actors being chosen to portray actual customers, and the extras chosen to depict actual customers in the background. and the cleanliness and excellent lighting and the rest, this sure doesn't resemble any Golden Corral I've ever seen.
"It's because the food here is almost frighteningly cheap considering what it claims to be. Do you know how expensive this would be in an actual restaurant with real health and quality standards that DOESN'T cater to people who wear sweatpants almost exclusively and have BMIs that resemble highway speed limits?"
"My script says I'm supposed to say 'no, I'm only six,' because ad execs still think that's the way six year olds talk."
"Well, it would cost a LOT."
"Since I'm a precocious kid in an American television ad, I'll just throw in 'well, you get what you pay for,' and I didn't imagine that this bland, greasy sludge was particularly hard on your wallet, dad."
In both this ad and the upcoming Part II, the parents act as if they've never heard of this Golden Corral place and are just stunned to find that there's a building calling itself a restaurant where a family can stuff itself with all of the reheated fish sticks, chicken and gravy it can hold down for one low price. Again, is something wrong here?
Spoiled rotten blonde suburban princess found out that she could save a few bucks by having Homeaglow do the housekeeping she is probably perfectly capable of doing herself, so she happily FIRED her housekeeper. She didn't "stop looking for housekeepers" or even "let her housekeeper go." She FIRED her. Which would mean Unemployment Benefits and other security except that you just KNOW the housekeeper who got fired was being paid under the table (and was probably dependent on a job which involved scrubbing this hideous woman's toilet) and Blonde Wifey Model #37 caused a severe financial crisis when she decided to respond to a clickbait "Super-Cheap Housekeeping Service" ad on YouTube.
"I've done a good job for you, why are you firing me?"
"Because I found a cheaper option. Say hi to Pepe for me."
"His name's Mario. I don't know how I'm going to tell him we might have to leave the area to find more work, all his friends go to the school he's in now."
"That's sad. I bet you can get a job with Homeaglow. Sure, they won't pay you anywhere near as much as I was, but at least it will be familiar work and Pepe gets to stay in his school."
"Mario. His name's Mario."
"I'd love to chat, but I'm late for my MAGA rally. Hope you and Pepe have an awesome day, and if I don't see you again, good luck in Mexico."
It's 21st century American television, so of course the main character of this trash is a fat, lazy, clueless white man who isn't even bright enough to know how to pretend to look busy at his cushy office job. I have to assume he's someone's nephew, because this guy has earned his PhD at Not Giving One Flying Damn University.
After f--king around for I have to assume All Day (and also have to assume As Usual,) Bored Idiot surrounded by Intelligent, Productive Women Not Related to the CEO finally decides to send a text that is so obviously AI-generated brown-nosing (and focuses primarily on shifting responsibility up the chain of command) that it stuns his boss into silence. Never mind that this only works if the guy who gets the text is less aware than the lump of cells molding it's shape into an office chair more valuable than the employee sitting in it. I mean, I'm a Boomer and I can recognize AI-generated content. If the doofus slob wanted his text to be believable, he would have kept it littered with broken syntax and maybe thrown in a few emojis to replace the thoughts he doesn't have in his head.
This guy is all but announcing over the intercom that he is doing no work, does not know how to do any work, has no interest in doing any work, and responds to requests to do work by attempting to use AI to hand the work off to someone else. I see no intelligence here, but he might be smarter than the people willing to put up with his nonsense and keep him employed in that office. Except, of course, that whole nepotism thing.
Full Disclosure: I have a Capital One credit card. I use it for big purchases (airplane tickets, hotels, stuff like that.) I have nothing against credit cards as long as they don't prey on economics-challenged desperate people who are on their way to Payday loans with plastic cards as a temporary way station. They are useful tools when used correctly.
My only reason for making this post is because this morning I got my daily "Well Deserved!" email from Capital One, which as usual offered to "reward" me with an offer to buy something. According to Capital One, pretty much everything I "deserve" involves an opportunity to use my card and accumulate debt. I deserve debt? I should reward myself with more debt? This sense no makes.
If Capital One would really like to reward me with something, how about more rewards points or a lower interest rate? I think I Deserve those things.
By the way, this commercial was made in 2006. I bet those actors playing the parents of that fat doofus are dead now. Maybe fat doofus son is dead too, unless he got that weight under control. Pardon me for being morbid. It's Monday, after all.
I mean, no wonder it's so expensive. Copper cures all aches and pains and is just magic, I guess, especially when combined with tight straps and especially when included in rigid material that holds the back in place.
Wait, what? It's the pressure that eases the back and wrist and knee pain, and not the copper? Is that why my compression socks help despite the fact that they don't contain any copper? Or is their lack of copper depriving me of the relief I could be getting? Could someone explain to me exactly HOW copper is supposed to ease pain- what is it about the chemistry of copper that gives it pain-alleviating properties?
I still maintain that copper is the Stone in the Soup of Pain Relief. Pressure increases stability and relieves pain. Adding copper increases....the price. And those copper wristbands? I put them in the same category of placebos, rabbit's feet, etc.-- believing that they work may make it so for some people.
This is using tension to reduce stress, and there's nothing new about the use of back braces. Considering that a lot of these ads are more than a decade old, there's nothing new about Copperfit's scam, either.
Pigeons may be ugly and dirty and all-around nuisances, but I'll say this for them: At least they're outside.
Looks like a nice day, too. But the zombie humans they are spying on are All About The Big Glowing Box and have no time for fresh air and sunshine because after all switching from one show to another- or even watching several at the same time- is so seamless and effortless. Going outside would require getting up. Maybe even putting on shoes. And if the humans here wanted anything to do with that nonsense, they wouldn't be paying hundreds of dollars a month on their TV addiction. I mean, let's be real here.
Binge away, DirectTV Zombies. I'm heading out for a walk. And if it sounds like I think I'm making the superior choice, well, yeah. I guess I am.
I'm in the market for a new car; I'll probably be buying one within the next thirty days. Since I've had rental insurance from State Farm for more than a quarter of a freaking century, I thought I'd give them a call to let them know and get a quote because, you know, this bundling thing and discounts I've been beaten over the head with hearing about Like Forever.
I left a message with my local State Farm agent, whose name I will not mention- THIS time. I'll try to call again on Monday. If I can't get someone on the phone or get a voicemail answered, I'll have to assume that Jake is just too busy blowing smoke up Pat Mahomes' ass* to bother with little old Loyal Customer Me. And I'll have to publicize the name of my asleep-at-the-wheel agent as the reason I called that idiot with the Emu to ask about coverage. For both my apartment AND my new car, because I'm pretty sure those guys are into bundling too.
P.S. not one viewer in 100 remembers that Fumblerino skit from the 1990s, and that one didn't want to be reminded.
*which, to be fair, is probably still pretty sore after being slammed to the turf every few seconds during that big football game some weeks back.
Seriously, this is a broom with a built-in dustpan which probably has to be emptied just as often as a dustpan. A broom that costs $60. I'm pretty sure that I can still get a broom at the local dollar store for under $10 and a dustpan for another buck or two.
In short, this is just another As Seen on TV waste of money. Dumb.
1. Audis are among the very worst automobiles when factoring in maintenance costs, reliability, and fuel consumption. When they say "this is how much the Audi costs," they mean "this is how much it costs to drive it off the lot." What they don't tell you is how much it costs to keep it on the road. If you keep this car for a few years, it's going to be an ongoing expense but I guess maybe it doesn't matter to the targeted audience. But what about the people who buy this car who aren't in the target audience? Well....
2. Audis are also among the most repo'd cars on the market. Way, way too many people are being suckered into buying one of these LookAtMe Mobiles at interest rates soaring above 20%, falling behind on payments, and having their friendly neighborhood Repo guy show up and tow it back to the dealership (or the bank, if you actually had enough credit to avoid dealership financing.) Which is kind of ironic, isn't it- you bought the car to show well for your neighbors, and now your neighbors are watching it being hauled off because you've been exposed as a Pretend-Rich Poser.
--posting as a guy looking at a 2012 Honda Civic with a clean CarFax. A 2012 Civic that has been repossessed twice. Could I afford an Audi? No. Could I afford a brand-new Honda Civic? Yep. But that 2025 Honda Civic isn't built as well as the one manufactured in 2012 and contains bells and whistles that make the insurance on it much, much higher. Nobody will stare at it at a red light, but seriously who cares?
If you're so concerned with your privacy, why are you having stupid, loud conversations in public using these things? Give me a break, you've been exhibiting your narcissism using iPhones for more than twenty years. NOW you're worried about privacy? I'm not buying it.
Oh wait. This is just another pointless add-on designed to convince people that the iPhone they purchased for Xmas is now out of date and "needs" to be updated Just Tap Your Card Here. Yeah, no. I'm not buying THAT, either.
It's hard to imagine ad actors acting less naturally and more stilted than the ones featured in this ad for....well, let's hold that thought.
I mean, look at them. Zombie Mom with the stupid smile frozen to her face just keeps talking to her car, asking it to do things she either doesn't really need done (does she really not know where the soccer field is?) or it can't do (what does she mean, "take us to the soccer field?" It's not a self-driving car. All it can do is give directions. Guess what, Zombie Mom? GPS is available on pretty much every car nowadays) Oh, and she asks it to remind her to order pizza- something she could have asked Google to do from her phone.
Meanwhile, that stupid kid in the back just keeps laughing at something- from what we see, she seems to be laughing at her mother's constant commands for Google to remind her to blink every few seconds so she doesn't forget. The kid looks to be a preteen, but not a toddler, and only a very small toddler would find her mother talking to Google and get responses funny. Even a very small toddler would only find it funny two or three times.
Let's get back to that first, interrupted thought. What is this an ad for? The only thing that is being sold is Google. Nothing this woman does can't be done using her phone. Why would anyone buy a 40k car from a rapidly failing company to get the exact same voice-activation assistance available from a refurbished Samsung phone available on Amazon? And there's absolutely nothing else being pitched to us here- just the super-convenient, and apparently Super Fun, Google On Demand system which might have been revolutionary back in 2015 but is about as groundbreaking as SiriusXM today.
In 2013, the average credit card interest rate was 13%, and anything above 19.9% was a sign that you had run into trouble paying bills and had a poor credit rating. Today, the AVERAGE credit card interest rate is 26%- exactly double the average rate in 2013. What happened?
It turns out that Capital One Bank is the main culprit. In 2016, the world's largest extender of unsecured credit decided to experiment with higher interest rates, gradually raising interest on balances from 13% to 17% to 19% over the course of five years while also investing in glitzy commercials featuring actors, comedians and sports figures pimping the benefits of "cash back rewards," with a special emphasis on the use of credit to small business owners.
The result? Use of credit cards exploded even as the cost of using those cards rose. Capital One had it's answer: Americans like to spend, can easily be convinced that spending is a positive activity and even analogous to investment, getting one percent "cash back" is worth any amount of spending, and interest rates are basically meaningless.
It didn't hurt that wages continued to remain stagnant when matched up against inflation during the period 2013-present. To continue to purchase the same thing year after year, more and more people must rely on unsecured loans from banks like Capital One. And it's so easy- no conversations with judgmental people at the bank, not even a phone call. Just take out that piece of plastic and you've got your gasoline, groceries or whatever else you want.
Today American adults carry an average of $7200 in credit card debt, $1.17 trillion in all, and that number is going up every quarter. Much of that debt is on credit cards carrying interest rates of over 30%. The entire economy is built on this debt- money that is PROJECTED to arrive through electronic transfer to Capital One and other banks- and on this debt GROWING every single year. Every new product is presented to the public in the hopes that consumers are willing to go into a LITTLE MORE debt in order to possess it. Which makes advertising more aggressive every single year- aggressive and expensive (you think these celebrities do these ads for free?)
All of which keeps me busy with this blog. Which is something, I guess.
*oh, and Fake Status. Access to over 1300 Airport Lounges? Who gives a damn?
1. How did Doritos tell on itself? Well, this particular snack "food" might just be the most engineered calorie delivery system in human history. Everything about it- the shape, the size, the color (both of the chip and the bag,) the levels of crispiness and saltiness- is the result of literally DECADES of laboratory and focus group testing. The final product is almost flawlessly designed to keep the consumer reaching into the bag until every single speck of every single chip is gone, and to keep the brain demanding more in a very short period of time. It's edible heroin, basically, which lights up the pleasure center of the brain like a freaking Christmas Tree while providing nothing of value to it or any other organ (but certainly contributing to the growth of adipose tissue.)
So when we get a minute-plus of "this stuff is a scientific miracle" from a comedian who hasn't done anything of value since The Spoils of Babylon more than a decade ago.
2. How did this commercial prove a previous point? Well, the week before the Big Game I noted that two things we could definitely expect from the ads were that they would feature familiar faces- old actors or comedians we had not seen for a while,* and that they would be wildly overproduced. This ad checked both boxes.
*the most egregious example of nostalgia bait was, of course, the awful "homage" to When Harry Met Sally. I don't think I can even touch that one; it was SO cringey, SO obvious, and SO uncalled for I think I might just have to leave it alone. Even I have my limits.
This monstrosity is running 2-3 times PER COMMERCIAL BREAK on ESPN this morning. I think that constitutes a war crime. And it doesn't help that idiots in the comment section seem to believe that the "song" (being very charitable) being used was originated by one of the most overrated hit films of the 1980s. I mean, come on, people.
During the at least fifty percent of the four hour Commercial Marathon With Brief Interruptions to Show a Football Game for Some Reason I will be wearing my air pods and will have my workout mix ready to go. I'll be watching and listening to that actual sporting event that doesn't involve inserting Product Brain Worms through overproduced visuals and familiar names placed in intensely unfunny situations marginally connected to a fast food chain or insurance company, but when the ads start, I'll be cranking this mix up and heading outside for a six-minute walk.
Hear that, Taco Bell, State Farm, Budweiser and whatever studio is getting ready to dump the next $300 million blockbuster in to the dying theater industry? You've lost me before you've even started. I'll probably comment on several of your ads later, but I won't be watching when you want me to- when you are dropping your eight-figure investment into the most depressing Sunday evening of the entire year that doesn't include a Yankee World Series Win.
Oh, and this goes for the obligatory "Jesus Gets You" commercial. Jesus doesn't get me. I'm too fast for Jesus.
The "Delux" Taco Bell "Cravings Box" (seriously, gag me) delivers this level of damage to your internal organs and blood:
110 milligrams of Cholesterol (37% of the RDA for an adult.)
70 grams of Fat (90% of the RDA for an adult.)
21 grams of Saturated Fat (105% of the RDA for an adult.)
2,750 milligrams of Sodium (120% of the RDA for an adult.)
And all at the service of satisfying a "craving" which may leave you satisfied for a few hours before you are ravenously hungry again because that "food" from Taco Bell had NO ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL VALUE AT ALL. Leaving you a sad combination of sick, hungry and "craving" for more of the same.
Seems to me that I just described an Addiction, not a "Craving."
I thought drug dealing was illegal. Then I see Taco Bell commercials and remember Oh Yeah, Capitalism. Big Pharma is loving this.
...you know, the shower of meteorites that foreshadowed the massive rock that ended the age of the dinosaurs.
Stay with me on this: A week from tomorrow most Americans will be engaged in the annual Watching of the Overproduced Overhyped Commercials Occasionally Interrupted by a Football Game. All of the ads will have three things in common: they will feature people we are expected to recognize and WILL recognize if we are In Tune With the Modern Era, they will be about thirty seconds longer than necessary, and they will have nothing to do with the actual product which may or may not be featured in the commercial. I think this one features a Social Media personality- that's what is suggested in the comment section- but I don't know, nor do I care, because I'm not In Tune with the Modern Era.
A depressingly large population seems to enjoy these commercials; I'm even told that there are people who only watch the game FOR the commercials. Personally, I think that they are by far the worst thing about the Superbowl and the main reason why I often don't even watch the game. When I go to Superbowl parties, commercials are times to step out of the room, look at my phone, maybe try to engage in a conversation (which usually doesn't work because most people there want to take in the commercial.) Actually I just go for the food and because I feel like I'm required to engage in national rituals now and then and one day a year seems about right.
As for Taco Bell- well, this stuff is crap but so are people obsessed with their social media presence, so I guess this kind of makes sense. If you think that Taco Bell is "food" you probably think that having a "following" makes you a "celebrity" and therefore "important." So stay addicted to ultra-processed grease, fat, carbs and Attention from Strangers; probably better for you than Meth, anyway.
Life's full of questions- and every single one of them revolves around stains. At least, as far as this family is concerned.
This family is absolutely breathtaking in it's total lack of reasons to get up and face another day. The woman comes in to the house with a big bottle of Tide on the TOP of her grocery bag, suggesting that either she did her own bagging or the guy who did hates her. I mean, come on- nobody puts heavy bottles of detergent on top of groceries. That's just stupid.
From the moment she steps in the door, she's deluged with questions concerning laundry- if a color is "dark" or "light" (never in my life have I separated dark and light clothes; is that even still a thing? I wash all my clothes in cold water, that's all.) What should one use to get out chocolate (since the answer to all such questions is "Tide," because that's the detergent the insane woman who does the shopping and brings home crushed food every time she does purchases, it's kind of a mystery why they are even being asked.) Does this family talk about anything else, ever?
Oh yeah- "do crabs have eyebrows?" Probably not, but instead of sitting there with that stupid ugly perplexed face, you could look it up or at least ask Alexa, Idiot Mom. But I'm guessing it's not lack of knowledge about crabs or eyebrows that has mom stumped. It's just that the question has nothing to do with laundry and what's that all about anyway? Ask how to get out crab stains, kid. Stay in your mom's lane.
1. The Mannings were in High School during the 1970s.
I mean, come on. What's with the hairstyles?
These guys are in their forties. They were in High School in the 1990s. Give me a break.
2. The Mannings think that gambling apps* are fun and actually engage with them.
I'd bet (no pun intended) more money on Ice-T actually saving money with CarShield than on either of these guys actually gambling on sporting events. That's really not something multimillionaires do.
3. The Mannings will put their faces on anything if the money is right.
We were pretty sure of this one already- and these ads just confirm that.
*I'm told that what is being advertised here is a free game, which changes things not in the slightest. Lots of drug dealers offer free samples to get people hooked out of the goodness of their heart. "Free" offers like this are just gateways to addiction and the suppliers know it.
I mean, we can't get enough of Stupid Clueless Men trying everything and failing badly every time. Why not as series of ads in which the guy tries and fails and it involves sports? (Weren't men obsessed with sports on tv five minutes ago? And now they know nothing about it?)
At least give us some backstory on this guy to explain his cluelessness. He was raised on the moon, for example, and has arrived on Earth in the last week and is trying to fit in. Right now, it looks as though he just never turned on the tv or interacted with any other males of his species until yesterday and is just trying to catch up. Because yelling "high tide" and not being aware that Oregon's mascot is a duck....wait a minute. Is this guy actually traveling around the country to show what an utter doofus he is? What is going on here?
The PF Chang restaurant next to my gate at Ronald Reagan National Airport was playing this ad pretty much nonstop for the hour leading up to my departure for Vermont for winter break. I actually thought it was a parody until I realized that the tv was tuned to some channel that probably thinks that One America Network is too Woke. The volume was not on, but I picked up some of the scrolling text- stuff about "standing up for America," being "prepared for anything" and "ready to stand strong" against--um, anyone who might challenge your right to own a stupid knife emblazoned with the name of your Dear Leader, I guess.
At first, I could understand why the tv was tuned to this particular channel on this particular day- it's the Saturday before the inaugural, and plenty of bloated, middle-aged white people with hard faces and empty heads were exiting from aircraft to spend a few days in a city they can't stand Because Reasons. But then I thought-- wait a minute. Don't restaurants at airport gates generally cater to DEPARTING flyers waiting for their flights to board? What percentage of people taking in any of the amenities at an airport are already at their destination? Who hangs around an airport after landing? It seems to me that PF Changs was providing right-wing media trash for an audience that simply didn't exist.
At any rate, my cold little heart was warmed a little bit at the news that the outdoor festivities have been cancelled due to impending bad weather- a Democrat Plot, no doubt, as the last time the weather forced an inauguration indoors was in January, 1985 when another great Republican was about to take his second oath of office. Poor, poor MAGA- whatever will they do without the opportunity to show their Orange Mussolini how much they love him by waving flags and signs on the mall? It's not like this crowd is interested in touring the Smithsonian, after all.
On second thought, I'm kind of sorry that the entire thing was moved indoors- it seems to me that Real Patriots like Trump America could have just toughed it out against the elements, keeping themselves warm by burning books in trash cans just like their philosophical forbearers did. Or just huddled in one giant mass of the Proudly Unvaccinated to start another COVID spike. Either way- Mr. Trump, please veto the figurative snowflakes who think that actual snowflakes should stand in the way of MAGA nation showing its pride and sharing its germs. Our nation's collective IQ will rise slightly, and absolutely nothing of value will be lost.
Eventually every recognizable figure from sports and Hollywood will be pimping for America's Favorite Life-Destroying Addiction, and when the fever passes (probably following an economic collapse which will briefly SPIKE use of gambling apps) all of these people should be booed off the stage, regardless of where or what that stage is.
Then I remember that I live in a country that just re-elected a grifting, treasonous sexual predator, and also that nobody is burning Larry David or Tom Brady in effigy for peddling a Bitcoin scam just a few years ago, and realize that all of these shameless hucksters will be just fine. There's no limit to our appetite for being kicked hard in the face. It's almost as if, deep down, we know we deserve it.
Imagine being this delivery guy. It's the NFL playoffs, which means it's a uniquely busy time at your place of work, which by the way will pay you your contracted rate if there's a lot to do and fire you as soon as business slacks off. At any rate, you aren't watching the playoffs from the comfort of YOUR couch. Not when there are pizzas to be delivered to douchenozzles like the guys in this ad.
So you get to your next delivery stop, and ring the bell while holding a stack of rapidly-cooling pizza and wings. Nobody comes to the door. You look inside, and you see two guys sitting in a huge living room watching a high-end HD TV, apparently engaged in some kind of conversation instead of just getting their delivery. You ring the bell again. The two choads on the couch keep talking; just because they pulled out an iPhone and opened an app and purchased thirty or forty bucks worth of pizza and wings doesn't mean that taking possession of that "food" is a priority.
So you just stand there, wondering if you've been punked or are at the wrong address. Presumably, they finally come to the door and may or not reward you with a tip and actual eye contact, but don't think for one moment that they are going to apologize for throwing you off schedule and making the next five stops on the route late and decorated by Karens who insist on discounts because their "food" is cold and will absolutely stiff you on that tip you kind of need to survive. Before you head home to the Basement Efficiency you share with two of your co-workers.
But it's all good because two jackasses in a suburban mansion too good to get off their damned couch to answer the door, let alone actually go out and get the food themselves, wanted to have a MENSA meeting over pizza or something. This is just gross.
There are actually people (bots?) in the comment section excited about the premiere of this show, which is a spinoff of Young Sheldon,* which is itself a spinoff of The Big Bang Theory**. It's like listening to people on Tuesday babble about how they can't wait to get home and reheat Monday's leftovers from Sunday's dinner. While it's heating up, I bet if they look hard enough they can find some stale crackers in the bottom of that box on the shelf, too. They can wash it down with that half-can of flat Diet Coke from the same Sunday dinner being reheated for a second time.
I used to think that the networks were intentionally creating shows like this to have an excuse to kill off the sitcom genre and run nothing but reality shows with whatever sporting events they can still afford to purchase away from Amazon, Netflix and Hulu. Now I'm convinced that the streaming services are actually producing these shows to get rid of network television once and for all. I mean, good riddance, but....I'm really hoping that the final extinction of network tv leads to a renaissance of reading rather than a wave of subscription purchases. They say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one....
*A very popular show I've never watched even once.
**Another very popular show I've never watched even once.
Funny how I've been hearing about the high crime rate and corruption and poverty in "Democrat Controlled Cities" but I have never once heard anyone point out the absolute desolation, despair and hopelessness that has consumed a state that is absolutely dominated from top to bottom by the Republican Party.
The entire state looks like this video. West Virginia is well above the national average in Unemployment, Crime, Drug Addiction (especially Meth,) and Poverty. West Virginians are also heavy users of the Affordable Care Act (but hate Obamacare, of course, and repeatedly elect legislators who reject the Medicaid Family Planning Program. Can't have fewer children living in poverty. Wouldn't be American.)
West Virginia gave 70 percent of its vote to the GOP candidate for President in 2024 while electing two Republican Congressmen, a new Republican Senator, and a new Republican Governor to work with the overwhelmingly Republican Legislature. Those people will continue to feed at the trough of government subsidies while flying American flags from their porches, Trump flags from their trucks, and proclaiming their independence from the Big Bad Government and it's Liberal Big Spenders who apparently still have all the power despite the Republicans controlling every branch. Did I mention that West Virginia gutted its public school funding decades ago?
The second largest industry in West Virginia (after coal, which is rapidly dying) is Tourism (which is rapidly dying.) It's getting harder and harder to get people to see Ignorant Self-Sabotaging Hicksville USA as a great place to explore nature when the few mining companies that remain are busy carving down the last of the state's once-beautiful mountains. The problem is that there are still plenty of stunning hikes to be had in the Appalachians of Pennsylvania and New York and North Carolina- you know, where there are still reasonable regulations preventing the total destruction of the wilderness for quick $$$.
West Virginia is doomed to go down with a whimper, not a bang. Heck, it's there already. Harper's Ferry is still worth a day with the kids. But that's about it.
No, it's not that every single fan of the Fansville ads on YouTube is a bot. That's obvious. There cannot possibly be more than three or four people in the United States who ACTUALLY look forward to the "latest episode" of the lamest "series" in Commercial Land since that guy and that woman stopped flirting over instant coffee back in the 80s.
It's that every single one of these ads is being produced by writers over the age of 70 who have not been outside of their offices or homes in thirty years. I mean, come on- the people in this ad are reading about their favorite football team (or the National Championship Series, which has not been around for as long as the Fansville Series) in actual physical newspapers. Most of the people watching these ad probably don't know why characters are playing with huge sheets of paper with ink on them and acting as if those sheets of paper are conveying information of some kind, like they are magic or something. I expect to see a phone on the wall in the next ad, or maybe a television with rabbit ears.
Or maybe these ads were all produced by young people in the 1980s and stuffed into a vault for when Dr. Pepper completely ran out of ideas- or behind glass which was labeled BREAK WHEN DESPERATE AND UNDER A RIDICULOUS DEADLINE AND LIVING IN A COUNTRY THAT WOULD ELECT DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT, TWICE. Either way works for me. These ads? They don't work for me at all.
All we need is for Stephen A. Smith and at least one of the Manning brothers to make an appearance, and I think we've got our Brick through the TV Set Bingo Cards all filled out.
Seriously, it's like television WANTS us to hate these guys. First, we've got Mahomes in every freaking State Farm commercial running roughly twice every break during every NFL or college football game. Then we inexplicably have a freaking COLLEGE BOWL GAME named after a musician who hasn't had a hit in thirty years but has instead transitioned into the blandest corporate sellout since Eddie Murphy agreed to star in "Dr. Doolittle." And then there's this ad, which is for a phone service, or maybe an iPhone, or maybe it's just a reminder that Snoop Dog exists outside the grotesque spectacle that was that bowl game or that Mahomes can appear on television without Jake from State Farm surgically attached to his hip.
Well, if the goal was to kill off network TV once and for all and complete society's transition to streaming services, Mission Accomplished, I guess. Because if the only way to get away from this brain-dead dreck is to sign up for every pay-tv option out there, well, I guess it's either that or give up on televised sports altogether. Since I'm a miser, I think I know which way I'm going, but the rest of you are on your own.
The next time I want to demonstrate the theory that companies will intentionally create ads just to tick people off and get them talking- even if the talk is 99 percent negative, even if the talk includes phrases like "worst ad ever" and "this makes me sick" and "I'll never use this product again," the theory is "if they are talking about us, it's a good thing, no such thing as bad publicity"- I'll show them this commercial.
There is simply no way that "Negative Nelly" is not here to get people asking questions like "what was Taco Bell thinking" and "this is gross" and "not funny at all." I'm sure we're going to get a few Fat Activists throwing in with a few legitimate-for-a-change points concerning the fact that Nelli is the only obese person in this ad and is acting like a disgusting cretin (it's not that she doesn't like the nuggets, it's the way she's expressing herself, being a crude, brassy cliche of a Fat Person on TV- in 1975.)
Not noticed is the more sinister message- that if you don't like Taco Bell's chicken nuggets, you should just keep your fool mouth shut. Or be ridiculed as a fat, gross, brassy pig in a Taco Bell commercial. Don't be a "Negative Nelly"- if you don't like the nuggets, eat them anyway and pretend to like them, like a good little drone. You know, like the thin, attractive people you are in a consumer testing group with for some reason.
I suspect that his ad will get a lot of attention, almost all of which is negative, and the ad company that created it will receive a nice fat check from Taco Bell execs, who will then congratulate themselves on buying into the idea of being stupid and offensive for clicks and views. I won't be boycotting Taco Bell since I wouldn't eat there if I was literally starving, but it would be nice if the company took even a little bit of a financial hit for subjecting us to this manipulative tripe. I am not holding my breath though; Americans are addicted to cheap, greasy non-food even more than they are addicted to smart phones, Buy Now Pay Later and Uber Eats. We're doomed- and even that doesn't enrage me, really.
This braying jackass is everywhere; he might as well be whoring for gambling addiction apps. Stephen A. Smith is a little late to the party, but there's plenty of money still out there to be made off of what is currently America's favorite family-and-finances-destroying habit, and after all there's no money like blood money, is there?
Response by what appears to be a human life form using a script from Nathan Pyle's aliens: "we are taking her friends to the snow in a Highlander."
First, how is that a response to "welcome to this sales event?" Like, talk about cutting to the chase- "yeah yeah, we are taking New Car to Destination. Sell us new car." Second, why would Jan give a flying damn WHY you want a new car or what you plan to do with it? She's there to sell you the car you want or, if you aren't sure you want one, convince you that you do and in fact can't live another day without one. That's what car salesmen DO. But you come in here with your daughter and her friend who is for some reason being referred to in the plural all decked out in winter clothing as if you've just stopped by to pick up the vehicle you need to "go to the snow" like you are dropping by McDonald's for a quick Happy Meal. Dude, this is going to take some time. At least take your jacket and scarf off. You guys look like total dorks who have no idea how the process of purchasing a car works. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.
And what would Jan know about "Human Friends" anyway? She's spent the last decade or more sitting in that dealership with that stupid frozen zombie smile grinning like a mannequin and acting as if being the peddler of Japanese Imports has her on a constant dopamine drip. What are you ON, woman?
