When I first started this blog, I actually looked for this ad because it was still on television and I found it absolutely horrifying. I stumbled upon it on YouTube just the other day and figured better late than never. Let's talk about this ridiculous family and the lengths it goes to to be as inert as possible.
The guy and his wife complain that the signal from their satellite dish or antennae was being blocked by the foliage in their backyard. Because Television Uber Alles, the guy actually got himself outside in the fresh air and sunshine and did some physical work that didn't involve scrolling (this was 2003, after all- scrolling wasn't really a thing yet.) At least, I think he did- he says that in response to a $400 estimate for tree clearage he "did some pruning." Oh, who am I kidding- he means he paid other people to do that work. While he worked on that dad-shaped dent in the couch.
After all these efforts, he had a natural wooden pole where a tree used to be and I guess the signal still wasn't very good, so the family decided to go back to cable. We are told this as a way-too-big toddler lurches across the screen (at the 24 second mark, certainly the saddest moment in this entire commercial,) already exhibiting the consequences of being a member of this disgusting family.
Because, I'm sorry, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room: This television-obsessed family is morbidly obese, and the very last thing it needs is more Sedentary Time in front of the Boob Tube. This will sound dark but I actually have to wonder if the adult male and female in this ad are even still alive today. They look like walking- or wobbling- Diabetes. And how did those kids turn out? Are they chips off the old block of lard? Are they currently as into Netflix and staring at their phones as mom and dad were in watching cable tv?
Subaru is a Deeply CaringTM Company because (for a limited time*) it will give a donation to the American Cancer Society for every Subaru purchased. That's the message they want us to take in, and here's a cancer victim they're willing to exploit in the process of selling it.
Now let's break this down and expose why this is cynical, shameless, and just plain gross:
The deal is that Subaru will give a "Minimum Contribution" of $300 for each Subaru purchased or leased between 12/20/2025 and 01/02/2026. Yeah, this is a VERY limited time offer. Not even two full weeks. But we aren't supposed to notice that- the Awwwwww Isn't Subaru Wonderful vibes are supposed to last a lot longer. Is this a popular time of year to buy a new car? I don't know, maybe. I doubt that has anything to do with the timing of this ad however, unless there's a sense of desperation to get the 2025s off the lot before they depreciate even more.
Yeah, but it's a super-generous offer anyway, right? Well, let's see how generous it really is:
According to Edmunds.com, depending on the model, a new Subaru Outback will run you anywhere from $31,000 to $46,000. The same site informs me that the typical Lease deal on the same car will run anywhere from $340 to $700 or more a month, assuming $2500 down, plus interest. In other words, Subaru's very very generous Heart of Gold Offer amounts to something considerably less than one percent of the total price of the purchase, or less than a single payment, or less than 20% of a single down payment, or far, far less than the interest the dealership will make on any sale or lease deal.
But I guess we're supposed to ignore all that and focus on the sweet sweet Hallmark-level commercial and the moment which I guess was made possible by Subaru Somehow Just Turn Your Brain Off And Don't Think About It Too Much Just Buy a Subaru Don't You Want To Cure Cancer You Ghouls?
Here's an Alternate Proposal: Maybe spending $30,000 or more buying a Subaru isn't the most efficient way to help fund the cure for cancer. How about writing a check to the American Cancer Society instead? That way you give to a good cause without funding an exploitive corporation AND aren't locked in to a multiyear contract to drive an overrated, overpriced vehicle because you were guilted by a tv commercial into it a few days after Christmas in 2025.
Look, it's no secret to the Several People who actually follow this blog that I consider gambling apps an absolute cancer on everything they touch (mainly professional sports, but if we're honest they've got their tentacles into pretty much anything that involves money, which is pretty much anything.)
Take this commercial (but don't watch it. Save the brain cells, you'll need them.) It got a lot of hype because it's apparently the first Entirely AI-generated ad in the history of Advertising. But I don't care about that- I fully expect all ads to be AI-generated within a few months (so sorry-not-sorry to Toyota Jan, Jake from State Farm, Flo from Progressive, etc.- hope you saved that sweet sweet spokeschoad money.) No, I'd rather keep my focus on a company which unironically uses the pitch "Trade the Future" when promoting the idea that it's fun and exciting and potentially very profitable to bet the rent money and 401(k) on, well, pretty much ANYTHING. Trade the Future, indeed. When the class action lawsuits eventually drag the promoters of crippling addiction to court, they'll certainly be able to claim that they were 100 percent upfront about what was being offered with a touch of the screen. I mean, who can't figure out that "Trade the Future" means "Risk the Future?" As much as I loathe these bloodsuckers, if I were on the jury I'd probably have to rule for them.
Kalshi doesn't win the Worst of the Worst Award on it's own; it must share that "honor" with every gambling app that has gobbled up ad space on American television and streaming services. The commercials are not just the worst things on TV; they represent the worst thing that became Mainstream in American culture in 2025. That sad habit the Uncle you don't talk about at Thanksgiving struggles with is now sold as just another form of entertainment to make whatever you are watching- or doing, or thinking about doing- a little more interesting. And to think that I used to be irritated trying to watch sporting events with people more interested in checking their fantasy stats every 2.5 seconds rather than the actual game on the actual tv. Now I can imagine watch parties featuring people whose ability to pay next month's rent depends on the successful conversion of a 4th and 5 in the third quarter by a team on it's third backup QB.
So here's to you, Gambling Apps- you are the worst of the worst. I'd say you even beat Kevin Hart, but among the many things he whores for is SportsKings, so it's more like a shared honor. Um, Congratulations?
Friends has been off the air for twenty years now, and it's not like Ms. Anniston has been in a series of hit films since then. Why is she still in demand as a spokeschoad?
As for this particular ad- here's an idea, Ms. Anniston. You could just say "no" to pitching the most overpriced item anyone can buy (water is free. It falls from the freaking sky. Here in the Western World- and in most of the non-Western world- it's also available by turning a knob in your own home.) I mean, this is about as close as you can get to selling actual Air. Yes, water is refreshing. Go figure.
So maybe you could just pass on this one, and let some other person pick up a paycheck endorsing bottled water. I mean, instead of arguing with your director about the lines you've been given to read, you freaking Diva. And while we're at it- you didn't make my Top 3 Worst, but if I had an Honorable Mention I think you would definitely have been included. Could you please go away now?
(First of all, I have no damn idea who Meghan Trainor is, nor do I care. There are benefits to being a Boomer. As far as I'm concerned, this is just another Familiar Face being handed money that might have been used to pay claims.*)
Of the three commercial memes I am holding up for extra criticism here in the waning days of 2025, this is the one I'm most hopeful of saying goodbye to in 2026. Of course I'm talking about Jake's multi-year man-crush on Pat Mahomes. Jake's determination to be at Mahomes' side 24/7 expanded to include Andy Reid in 2025, I guess because every once in a while the Quarterback of the Kansas City Chiefs actually had to do some work and not just hang out in random places with State Farm's current Spokeschoad. Thing is, though, Pat Mahomes is not going to be the starting quarterback of the Chiefs for quite some time- not again for the rest of this season, and very possibly not at the start of the 2026-27 campaign.
Pat Mahomes went down with a season-ending injury last week in a loss which sealed Kansas City's elimination from the playoffs for the first time in a decade. The Chiefs will not be in a postseason game for the first time since before Mahomes started his career. Which may mean that Mahomes has even more time to film moronic, creepy and dumb State Farm ads with a "comedian" posing as an insurance agent with a perpetual smirk on his face. But it could also mean that State Farm looks at Mahomes' significant decline this year before being injured, adds in the massive egg his team laid in last year's Superbowl and this new injury, and decides to cut the chord on the played-to-death Jake-Pat bromance and has Jake deciding that it's time to see other people. Maybe other Quarterbacks, maybe random pseudo-celebrities like I presume Meghan Trainor is, but someone other than Pat Mahomes.
I think it's too much to ask that when State Farm inevitably ends its lucrative-but-stupid-as-F Pat and Jake Together Forever ad campaign, they move on from both Pat and Jake. It's far more likely that Jake will simply start appearing joined at the hip with someone else- either a healthy sports figure still in the spotlight every weekend, or a retired one with a recognizable face, or just a series of "who is that again?" types like Ms. Trainor. Just not Mahomes, who was for a few years considered the Second Coming of Tom Brady but Even Better but is now probably looking into the twilight of his career at the tender age of 30. Jake only stalks the best, sorry.
*note to State Farm customers: Please keep these ads in mind the next time your insurance company nickels and dimes you on your claim, drags its feet on getting it paid, or refuses it entirely. None of the public figures who appear in State Farm commercials do it for free. Neither does Jake. That's money that could have been used to make you whole being tossed at millionaires who can't begin to spend the cash they already have. Just a thought to take into the New Year as State Farm looks for a replacement to play Jake's BFF.
I happened to be on the treadmill at my local gym when this came on one of the screens that isn't Forever Tuned in to the Channel Dedicated to Reruns of "Friends." It's oddly worse without sound- you don't know what anyone is hyped about, but you know they are hyped because it's all smiles and clapping and jumping up and down and it goes on and on and on and on AND ON and you can bet it that no news reporting will be going on while some guy in a suit appears and is treated like the Second Coming.
Because I didn't watch it with sound, and because this clip is a merciful four minutes long (in the original, this nonsense is actually repeated at the end of the hour, just in case there were a few survivors of the Cringe Avalanche the viewers were subjected to when this mess started.) So at the time, I had no idea who Robert is or why the Earth was supposed to stop spinning to "welcome" him to the Fox News "Family."
I'm not going to watch it again, for reasons I think are rather obvious. Instead, I just did a quick Wiki search for this Robert Burton guy, and it certainly did clear up a lot. Turns out that Robert Burton is the author of a series of books called The Anatomy of Melancholy, which he published in 1621 and which went through several expansions and revisions over the next several decades. Pretty cool. I don't know why he's joining the local Fox News staff but I'm sure he's got more to say about the state of the world than, say, the guy who does the weather or the guy who reminds us how badly the Wizards suck again this year. And it's about time we heard from people who have been dead for five centuries; too often we lose our connection with them and forget that being dead doesn't necessarily mean you have nothing more to say.
So even though I didn't stick around to see Mr. Burton actually introduced to his new "family," I'm sure he'll fit right in and be a real cut-up in the breakroom when he isn't providing insights concerning issues like, well, Melancholy, and dishing about how he really felt about James I giving a play he wrote a bad review. I'd like his honest opinion of the Wizards, too. Like, are they going to win ten games this year? What do you think, Mr. Burton?
I can't believe it's taken me almost 16 years to do this. Oh right, I forgot- I have an actual job and a life (so to speak) and this blog brings me virtually no money so it's nowhere approaching a priority. But anyway....
This is not going to be a countdown of my three worst commercials of 2025. Instead, it's going to be a countdown of my three worst commercial TROPES of 2025; specifically, characters in commercials I really would like to be spared of in 2026 because oh my god are they played out.
Let's start with Jennifer Garner, a washed-up actress with a net worth of approximately $80 million who spent the year trying to convince us that her access to fancy resorts with Olympic-sized pools and luxury spas, airport lounges with tall glasses of white wine and pretty friends, and hiking trips to exotic places is somehow more associated with her choice of credit card and not that NET WORTH OF APPROXIMATELY $80 MILLION. All with that same stupid frozen smile on the most self-satisfied face this side of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
In this particular ad Garner, as if to lampshade the fact that her commercials are a played-out stale joke, centers her appearance with another played-out stale joke. Paraphrases of "There's No Crying in Baseball" were beaten to death more than thirty years ago and nobody wants to see them come back; only "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" has more mold on it. Yes, we all remember the movie (or at least, we Boomers remember the movie, which let's also recall was a minor hit in 1992, five years before Ms. Garner's career got off the ground.) We also remember that the line you desperately grab for a laugh with was originally uttered by Tom Hanks, who you most certainly are NOT.
In the original film, the cause of the crying was a female player upset at making a bad play during a game. In this war crime of an ad, the cause is a female player upset that she does not have enough rewards points to pay for a flight, something I'm certain Garner can relate to (insert eyeroll emoji here.) As well as anyone watching the ad can relate to, including people like me who are actual Capital One cardholders yet mysteriously don't get free flights or spa vacations or access to comfy airport lounges or hiking trips in exotic places because WE AREN'T DISGUSTINGLY RICH WHICH IS ALL YOU NEED TO GET THAT STUFF, NOT A G-D D--M CREDIT CARD.
Congratulations, Ms. Garner, on nabbing the #3 spot in my very first countdown. If we aren't treated to your stupid frozen smile and glimpses of your ridiculously entitled life in 2026, we won't cry about it. Promise.
First, I guess it's supposed to be "amusing" that the black woman is sitting on a couch in what looks like a basement apartment, in the dark, afraid to look at the price of cars because she needs to buy a car. In other words, afraid of Adulting. I don't get the "funny" part, though. Yeah, new cars are expensive. Used cars? Also expensive. Shielding your eyes isn't going to make the situation better.
The average monthly payment on a new car has reached $750, with the average payoff term being 60 months. I guess that's "scary," but only if you insist on going for a new car (which is dumb) and for some reason that can't be a real reason your only OPTION is a new car. Like "oh no, I need to buy a 2026 Audi but I'm afraid how much it costs." Why do you need to buy a 2026 Audi? "Shut Up, That's Why!"
And then we get the pitch explaining why we need to use CarFax (which, yes, is a good service but not perfect- as CarFax itself will tell you, not all accidents are reported. CarFax doesn't replace a pre-purchase inspection by a reliable, trusted mechanic.) Hilariously, we are shown that the generic, AI-generated car being offered for sale at $21,690 has actually been patched back together after a horrific accident and is now actually worth - um, $19,250? Seriously? That car was totaled. How did it only lose 11 percent of its value after that wreck? I wouldn't pay more than $5k, and I wouldn't even pay that unless the seller confirmed that its a Honda or Toyota and the engine was undamaged by what looks to be a possibly-fatal collision.
Is this woman reassured by the commercial and ready to offer the dealer what CarFax is a "fair" price for the car- $19,250? That IS scary. Enjoy your basement apartment, lady. You aren't upgrading any time soon.
The theme throughout this entire commercial is that Christmas not only all about buying presents, but it's all about the STRESS and ANXIETY involved in hiding those presents and keeping them away from the prying eyes of children (and adults because SPEND SPEND SPEND) until December 25. How freaking heartwarming.
Nothing about this makes the holiday look like something to celebrate. All I see is a lot of near-panic and Mission Impossible-level planning that must go in to keeping the evidence of over-the-top spending away from the eventual recipients of Capital One's Credit For Everyone policy.
By the way, I've watched this commercial at least half a dozen times and I still don't understand what that little kid is saying at the end- I know it's Santa something, but I can't figure it out. I have a guess, though: Whatever he's saying, it translates into "Mom and Dad either bought this for me two years ago and forgot it was buried in the back of the garage, or they think I'm three and not five, because by the time it's warm enough to cruise around the neighborhood I am not going to fit into this thing."
1. Is anyone over there really convinced that we want reassurance that washed-up actress with a net worth of $80 million, her own organic vegetable business, and a promotional contract with Capital One is completely satisfied with her life?
2. Did you really intend to make the rest of us want nothing more than to punch that perpetual smile off of this woman's stupid, self-satisfied face/
3. Did you really think that we'd find any of this relateable?
Why does the kid look like he's about to wet his pants if his girlfriend's dad doesn't like his gift? The stakes seem really, really high here- like, the dad is either going to order the kid stoned to death, or he's going to accept the kid's bride price offer and hand over his daughter as a concubine.
Why is the situation so tense? It's a freaking gift exchange- stupid enough in itself, since these people are all adults- but pretty innocent when you come right down to it. Maybe whipping out your phone at this exact moment isn't the best idea- is the kid really going to scroll for something else right there in front of the dad? Does he think that Amazon is going to deliver whatever he orders in the next thirty seconds? Is is REALLY a good plan to respond to a dud gift by instantly buying something else? Is this the kind of family you want to be connected to? The girl isn't that cute, buddy.
Why does the father seem to hate the wrapping? Does he really care about the wrapping? If so, please revisit my point about maybe not being connected to this family.
If I were the dad, the first thing I'd wonder is "why is this massager not in it's own box?" I mean, it looks like it was just wrapped in tissue paper and stuck in a generic cardboard box. The second thing I'd wonder is "did this originally come in a padded envelope because it's a cheap Chinese knockoff?" And the third thing I'd wonder is "hmmm....no original box. No directions. Just wrapped in tissue paper. This is something the kid stole from his own house ten minutes before heading over here. This has Regifting written all over it."
All this being said, this is a really mean-spirited ad and it doesn't help my mood to see it being run in English and Spanish at least three times each per hour on ESPN. Another fail, Amazon. And go change your pants before apologizing for the stain you left on the couch, kid.
1. I know it's been 24 years since a Certain Incident Involving Hijacking changed air travel security measures, but maybe we DON'T make a commercial featuring a guy leaping from his seat to grab the phone away from a stewardess making general announcements to the passengers? Just a thought.
2. Will Ferrell has a net worth of approximately $160 million. He does NOT use Buy Now, Pay Later services which target not just people with low income, but who also have terrible credit ratings. His excitement over the "convenience" of splitting purchase costs into four easy payments is exactly proportional to the amount of money he's being paid to whore Capitalism's latest Keep Them Spending, Keep them Poor probably-should-be-illegal cash cow. It's not online gambling (at least, not technically) but it's still pretty offensive.
I'm trying to grasp the mentality of being dropped into a war zone and having anywhere near your top 100 concerns getting a $10,000 engagement ring shipped to your girlfriend back in the states. Like, how is this a priority?
It almost sounds like an SNL skit; if I found out that a fellow soldier deployed to Iraq was researching how to get a $10,000 engagement ring to his girlfriend, I wouldn't assume that he is looking to buy from some website. I'd assume that some looting had gone on and he was trying to figure out how to get a valuable piece of contraband out of the country.
In any case, what the hell is wrong with just waiting till you get back to the States? That ring isn't a contract, after all. She can still dump your deployed ass while you are fighting for, um, your country. She can turn that ring into a down payment for an Audi. She can use it to pay for her boyfriend's bail bond. All kinds of possibilities.
One more thing- I hear a lot of stuff about a woman's "dream ring." If your dreams involve a piece of pretty rock that costs more than a year of my rent, well, I guess everyone has the right to dream. But I have the right to call your dreams damn shallow. And I will.
I guess it's supposed to be "heartwarming" that "through the years," Lexus has never forgotten what's "important:" Providing overpriced look-at-me mobiles for spoiled rotten rich suburbanites to make their perfect lives even more perfect at the very end of what was for many millions of people another rough year economically.
There are no recessions in December, or any other time, for customers of Christmas Lexuses (Lexi?) There are no layoffs, no stock market crashes, no downsizing, and certainly no inflation stress. The coming of cold weather and colored lights brings nothing less than the promise of another brand new Lexus to drive to the Million-dollar Old Family Homestead/Estate with your beautiful wife and beautiful children while dressed in your thousand-dollar winter outfits. After parking the Lexus ostentatiously in front of the house, it's inside for an evening of congratulating each other being thankful for not being part of the 99 percent who has to worry about grubby things like keeping the lights on and if the SNAP benefits are going to be held up (again) in January. And for being in a country with some of the lowest income tax rates in the civilized world, allowing the Very Best of Us to not only buy new cars but also stack piles of cash in hedge funds and trips to Disneyworld and brand-NEW outfits to wear to Grandpa's house because he and the siblings might recognize the cashmere coat from last year and that would be a real scandal.
*equally gross is the comment section, which has to be bots or paid spokeswhores of Lexus. I mean, come on. These people can't be real.
So this woman walked into Macy's with a list of all the people she "has" to buy presents for, including her college roommate and her dog walker.
I'd like to know who is getting that ridiculous coffeemaker (those Breville Espresso machines run anywhere from $699 to over $2000.) Or one of those cashmere sweaters, which Macy's claims usually run at $150 and up but are currently on sale for about $75. (I'd really like the person who gets the coffeemaker and the person who gets the sweater to receive them at the same holiday party.) I couldn't see what brand those watches are but a quick trip to the Macy's website informs me that their watches run anywhere from $150 to over $1000.
Bottom Line: This woman is apparently willing to drop what to real people living in Current Timeline is a ridiculous amount of money on gifts for three people. I think it's safe to assume that she also has family, and maybe a husband and kids, who will also be looking for stuff under the tree from her. Making this Macy's ad as tone-deaf and unrelatable as any Lexus December to Remember ad. I mean, come on. This is ridiculous.
1. How tone-deaf does Apple have to be to be pimping thousand-dollar iPhones as perfectly reasonable Christmas gifts "for the whole family?" I don't give a damn if it's got "excellent cameras" whatever the hell that means. For the vast majority of Americans, the only way to get one of these things is to strain their credit limits (again) or sign up for a ruinous-in-slow-motion "monthly plan" that will have them deciding between Medication and Food before the tree gets dragged out to the curb.
2. I know who Jeff Bridges is. But am I really supposed to know this Zoe person? May I ask why? And may I ask how she's connected to Mr. Bridges to the point where they appear to be living in a group home in some of these ads? Am I just too old for this, or what?
Jason Kelce is currently working under a 3-year contract to bloviate on ESPN. That contract pays him an estimated $8 million per year to do not much of anything at all while sitting in a studio wearing a suit (sometimes.) His total career earnings in the NFL is estimated at between $81 million and $88 million.
Oh, and his brother is engaged to a woman with an estimated net worth of $1.6 billion.
Don't try to convince me that he gives a flying damn how much he's saving on NFL Pass, please. Let alone that he's so excited about the savings that he can't stop screaming about it. This is right up there with watching David Ortiz and Kevin Hart flip out about getting free "parlays" through their "favorite" online gambling apps. Just stop this. Read the room, and STOP THIS.
It's like a buffet of punchlines that leaves you standing there paralyzed with indecision, with no idea how to start.
"I'm a Art History Major, and this essay is due on Friday...."
Girl, your "professor" doesn't care about the essay. She knows you're just going to punt it over to ChatGBT. After all, if you were serious about creating something of value- or even surviving financially in the America of the 21st century- you wouldn't be the Very Last Person on the Planet on an academic path to earn a degree in Art History. Seriously, I didn't even know that was a thing anymore. IS it still a thing? Or is it just the most face-palm subject the writers of this commercial could think of to assign this doofus stereotype of a college student.
So anyway, the Ridiculously Out of Touch Star of our Commercial can't string three coherent sentences together and punts the job over to Grammarly AI, figuring that its a new system and maybe if her teacher is over thirty she probably doesn't know about it yet but is regrettably aware of ChatGBT. Maybe she figures that for at least a semester or so said teacher will remain unaware of the program that will allow her to run this plagiarized essay that no one wants to write or read and will never provide any actual value to anyone pass muster with the school and she'll get that passing grade that will allow her to continue her pointless path to a worthless degree.
(Yes, I'm aware that was a run-on sentence. I'm not running it through an AI filter to "clean it up" though because I'm not a base, lazy hypocrite.)
I'll wrap this up by shaking my head at our "student" here, going tens of thousands of dollars into debt to take classes that will lead her nowhere and using AI to do her homework in the process. Maybe she's got the money to waste, but what about the time? She's never getting that back. Maybe she's a trust fund baby who likes Art History and will be driving back home for the holidays in the Lexus Mommy and Daddy got her to make Christmas 2023 a December to Remember? There's got to be a good back story like that here, or the epilogue is going to be really, really sad.
"Your home is your happy place. You'd think that would mean that you'd like to keep it clean-- I mean, keeping it clean also keeps it free of vermin and germs and all that nasty stuff.
But if, as it turns out, all you are really concerned with is the surface appearance of your house and how it smells, you can use this thing which believe it or not has a microchip to dispense chemical scents into the air and mask the filthy squalor that secretly defines your, um, 'happy place.'"
I agree with several YouTube commentators: Poor Dog. Poor kid, too. Keep your damn house clean, you lazy jagoffs.
I'd like to congratulate the people out there who bought the hype back in 2023 and purchased the fully-loaded Nissan Rogue offered in this ad. In case you don't remember- and I bet you do, because you're still being reminded once a month when the bill arrives- this thing set you back $38,000 plus interest. But you got a cool car out of it, didn't you (I mean, to the extent that "Nissan" and "cool car" can exist in the same sentence, of course?)
Well, I hope you are still having fun in that Nissan, because you sure as hell aren't trading it in for an upgrade, because your car- with under 10,000 miles on the odometer, yet- is available right now for exactly half what you paid for it two years ago. Yep. $19,000 gets you a Nissan Rogue with very low miles.
Don't tell me you still owe more than that on your stupid impulse purchase triggered by a dumb commercial that convinced you that you'd feel like a secret agent (who are well known for driving around in NISSAN PRODUCTS) than it's worth on the current market? Ohhhhh.....awkward. Sorry. I take back my congratulations and exchange them for condolences.
2. Instead of showing them riding through a gate, have them riding off a cliff instead. Much more accurate.
And be honest- the reason why there's a vacant seat for someone to jump on to. The guy who used to be in that seat has un-alived himself after losing his savings, his house, and his family to this brutal addiction we are currently referring to as a "thrill" Because Capitalism.
Or you could, I don't know...watch the game on one of the many screens at one of the many bars that decorate every single gate at every airport in the United States? Just a thought. And while we're at it, here's another couple of thoughts: Are there more than half a dozen people waiting to board this plane? And are all of them really more interested in a regular-season NFL game than in getting to their destination? 'Cause I'm not buying it.
1. Yeah, being a cheap, obvious, blatant suck-up in front of your fellow coworkers is probably not a great idea. That, and this guy's incredibly punchable face, is probably the reason why his cubicle is set well apart from everyone else's.
2. Know what else you probably shouldn't be doing while at work? Obsessively checking your insurance rates on the company's computer (and the company's time.) You got a job here, buddy? Maybe you should be doing that?
3. Kudos to the boss for giving the mentally challenged a chance to become more financially independent with a job at her company, but she might have gone a bit too far when she hired this grinning jackass. He's either having an Episode during meetings or he's putzing around on his computer staring at insurance quotes. I mean, there are limits and this is a business, right?
4. The comments on this video....just, stop. These have to be bots. They just HAVE to be.
Which of the following statements BEST describes Archie Manning?
A. He's a star NFL Quarterback popular enough to earn endorsement money through TV commercials
B. He's a star College Football Quarterback currently contending for the Heisman Trophy
C. He has at least a 5% chance of being in the College Football Championship Game in January
D. None of the Above
If you answered "D," congratulations, you win! And if you answered "D," you almost certainly know the name Archie Manning because he's a member of the already-ubiquitous-on-tv commercials Manning family. And that the ONLY reason he's in a commercial for ANYTHING is because he's his dad's son.
And if you were confused by this commercial because you thought that college athletes were students and not professionals and weren't really supposed to have endorsement deals until they turned pro, well, you must be about as old as I am. Aren't we quaint?
So there is so very little going on in the lives of these clucking chickens that they find themselves quietly raving about how someone in their family "has money" and the evidence is that they have a refrigerator full of eggs and we all know how expensive eggs are am I right or am I right Expensive Egg Jokes Never Get Old.
I'm pretty sure that the actual intended message is "because this is an EV, you'll save so much money on gas, you'll have money left over to buy other stuff, like eggs which remember are really, really expensive."
But when I first saw this ad, all I could think was "they must have cash to burn because they just bought a ridiculously unreliable Hyundai Crapmobile that will be in the shop before that load of eggs from Costco needs to be replenished." I used to have the same reaction whenever I saw a Dodge Charger, Jeep, or any FIAT product on the road. That was before I realized how severely stupid people are when it comes to buying cars and how far dealerships desperate to move merchandise are willing to stretch out payments in order to con idiots into thinking they can afford them. Hyundai Tuscan Hybrids start at just under $50k. You can get a 2-year old version with less than 6000 miles on the odometer near me for $29k. That's almost 50% in depreciation. And let's keep in mind- this is a Hyundai.
"He got money." And he'll need it. Too bad he don't got sense.
From the same extra-terrestrials who came from beyond the stars to bring us overpriced bleach in a spray bottle (and here we were hoping for world peace or at least personal flying tech) we now have overpriced liquid rubber spray.
So when you get done bleaching your mold for the low low cost of roughly 10 times more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x bleach from the dollar store, you can start sealing every crack in your house- and turning screens into windows for some reason- for roughly 10 ties more than you could have paid if you just used brand-x liquid rubber spray. Seems to me that's a pretty big markup to have the word ALIEN added to the can (and to wait until it's shipped to your home instead of making that trip down to the Dollar Store, Hardware Store or local Home Depot,) but I guess those interstellar journeys don't pay for themselves.
Or "how I marketed Bleach as 'Alien Technology,' put it in a spray bottle, and sold it for roughly 10 times what it's value is at the local Giant grocery store."
I must have missed the History Channel episode where the Aliens took time off from building the pyramids to provide the ancient Egyptians with the secrets of removing unsightly mold stains. Finally, a Lost Art that is actually useful. I mean, I don't know about you, but I've never had the slightest interest in moving 3-ton rock slabs or cutting crystal skulls. Getting rid of mold, though? Hey, I'm here for that.
Capital One is not going to let SNAP benefits being frozen- leading to hunger for tens of millions of Americans, including children- Section 8 Housing being threatened, or Affordable Care Act guarantees being placed on the chopping block stop them from making commercials featuring the insufferably perky Jennifer Garner* and the caption "Americans love to travel...."
Because I guess people who have Capital One credit cards simply fly* above the problems of the unwashed masses, don't they? Especially when they use those cards to manage "organic farm" companies or just dish with friends at airport lounges over tall glasses of white wine. Heck, finally getting into that business class seat is probably a disappointment after those big puffy lounge chairs in the exclusive airport club; nothing another tall glass of white wine won't fix, though.
*Jennifer Garner might well have the most punchable face in commercial tv these days. Seriously, Ms. Garner, get that perpetual smile off your cake hole already. It's so twee and sugary it's spiking my insulin levels. And blood pressure.
**Considering that flying itself is about to become another casualty of Shutdown 2025 (2025-26?) I guess Ms. Garner and her friends are going to enjoy those exclusive airport hangouts away from the rifraff even more in November. The rest of us will be sitting on the floor at our gates or standing in line at Dunkin Donuts. Don't worry, we won't harsh your buzz.
I mean, come on. If I work out every day for three or four days in a row, the App will tell me that I'm running the risk of overtraining, which is fine. If I goof off or I'm sick and don't exercise for three or four days in a row, it tells me that I'm in danger of undertraining and should ramp it up a bit, again- that's fine.
But more often than not, the advice the app gives me doesn't sinc with reality, and is sometimes just plain contradictory. Sometimes it tells me that I've really been pushing it, so my "readiness is high" and it gives me a very high cardio load target. Sometimes it says that I've been "maintaining fitness" so I should reach a certain level "to get back on track." Then there are the days that it tells me to "slow down and take it easy to avoid injury," only to follow up 24 hours later by chastising me for "undertraining."
The bottom line is, I think that Fitbit is pretty much the modern equivalent of one of those Magic 8 Balls we Boomers liked when we were little; fun, but totally random in the "advice" they give.
So the first of my early New Years' Resolutions is to stop reading the daily "Readiness" report on my Fitbit and just stick to reaching my step and cardio goals. Not that they are perfect, either- I can't tell you how many times I've spent 30 minutes on a treadmill, 15 minutes lifting weights, and and 15 minutes stretching only to be given zero or very few credit on the cardio goal. Like, WTF, Fitbit?
Oh, and continue to stay off sugar. That's important, too.
The whole "replacing a geriatric tv and (briefly) film star from the 1980s with the third-or-fourth most recognizable retired quarterback to sell our crap overpriced sandwiches" thing got stale faster than any of these sandwiches will, considering the level of preservatives they (not the film star or quarterback) are stuffed with.
That being said, the whole Manning thing in general has gotten just as old. Whether it's Eli or his much more visible- dare I say ubiquitous- brother, seriously, haven't we had enough of this family already? Judging from the college scoreboard, it will be awhile before a third Manning achieves the same level of media overload, though I certainly see that happening down the road. Because for some reason, tv can't get enough of the Mannings.
Personally, I wouldn't buy one of these sandwiches if it was being promoted by anyone because I know that in advertising a buck is a buck and I think Eli Manning eats Jersey Mike subs about as often as David Ortiz places bets on his iPhone or Pat Mahomes spends afternoons hanging out with his State Farm agent. But someone explain to me how Danny DeVito sells anything. Then explain to me the appeal of the Manning brothers. I'll wait.
Seriously, the jokes write themselves. If this is the "Best Luxury SUV in the city," that's either a very small city or a large city in which all of the other SUVs are out on vacation somewhere. And the reason why they can be on vacation is because unlike this ridiculous piece of garbage, they can actually travel more than a hundred miles or so without the Check Engine Light coming on.
Anyone who buys one of these things has money burning a hole in their pocket and mice building nests in the hole in their head. The only Range these things Rove is the one between the side of the road and the local garage.
Since "fan work is thirsty work," I strongly encourage you to remember that it's the weekend and you should not be doing any work at all. Maybe it's just me, but whether I'm sitting in a sports bar or a stadium, it's perfectly fine with me if the person sitting in the next seat isn't screaming like a deranged banshee as if anyone on the field can hear what he's bellowing. I sure can hear it, and I don't want to. Just drink your stupid soda, idiot.
In the 1980s, there was this machine called a Bowflex which was advertised as being able to replace an entire gym worth of equipment. Every exercise you needed to become pumped was available in one simple assembly of hard rubber bows attached to a bench so scrap that Gold's Gym membership and buy one of these things and work out in the comfort of your own home.
Later, Bowflex began to introduce different versions of its base machine, different machines altogether, and adjustable weights- each of which really undermined the original "this is all you need" pitch.
In the 2010s, Peloton made basically the same argument with it's bike which became enormously popular during COVID as going to the gym became impossible and some people simply refused to acknowledge the countless number of free online workout programs being made available by wannabee fitness influencers.
But come to think of it, the latest incarnation of the "Peloton System," which doesn't even include biking, is better compared to all those commercials for sickly-sweet overpriced cereal which featured the carb and sugar-heavy junk in bowls surrounded by juice, toast, and a glass of milk- "Part of this Complete Breakfast." Thing is, you could take that bowl of chemicals out of the equation and still have a complete breakfast (a more nutritious and healthy one, in fact.) Likewise, we see the woman in this ad doing all kinds of great calorie-burning movements and working up a healthy sweat, all without any need for a $1500 bike and subscription service. Ah, because it's a "System," you see. The bike is still part of the system- Part of a Complete Workout Program, if you will. But let's be honest- it's the very, very expensive part, and a truly Unnecessary Part. It's the Cap'n Crunch of the breakfast table. And the metaphor is even more apt when you check out the price of Cap'n Crunch.
The ad tells us that the Jeep Grand Cherokee is an "ultra luxurious and capable SUV." Let's break down that nonsense, shall we?
It's a Jeep which is an SUV. I hardly know where to start with this one. Remember when the Jeep was a unique vehicle for people who wanted to ape the experience of being in the military without all the shooting? People who wanted a vehicle to crash through forests and shallow ponds and drive up sand dunes in? Well, you don't do that crap with an SUV. (You don't do it with a Jeep these days, either, unless you want it to break in half the first time it hits a stump. Do I really have to remind you that this is a Stellantis product?)
It's a Grand Cherokee, which means that the Company formerly Recognized as Jeep might be willing to sell out pretty much everything that made it's brand unique but it's drawing the line at surrendering cultural appropriation.
It's Ultra Luxurious, which means it's got comfy heated seats and lots of expensive screens and Bluetooth and all that other stuff nobody in their right mind could imagine being in a Jeep thirty years ago when Jeeps were still cool-looking and fun to imagine owning. Gotta justify that $72000 price tag, I guess, and buzzphrases like "Ultra Luxurious" sure helps. Pretty sure that those Jeeps in Korea and Vietnam weren't anything close to "Luxurious," but then again they weren't SUVs either, so....
It's "capable." This is damning with faint praise and just meaningless. Capable of what, exactly? Hitting 10,000 miles on the odometer without needing serious, expensive shop maintenance? I kind of doubt it. Again, this is Stellantis, Latin for Crap. Capable of getting from Point A to Point B on most occasions? Sure, why not. But you can get that in an SUV (and the bottom line is, this is an SUV, not a Jeep) for one-third the price of this nonsense and best of all, you can get it in a product that has the Toyota or Honda emblem on it which means it will actually last and cost a minimal amount to maintain.
I won't miss Jeep, because it's already a dead brand. Whatever this is, it sure as hell isn't a Jeep. Just another UpperMiddleClassFamilymobile pretending to be something cooler. Available for only 84 easy payments of $857 plus tax. Hard pass.
1. How empty and sad are the lives of these people if they are so excited to witness the absorption qualities of a paper towel?
2. If Bounty is so effective that you can use just a little for small skills, why are they keeping an unopened roll right next to the opened roll on the kitchen counter? Shouldn't that be put away for when it's needed- like, weeks from now?
1. Collude with politicians to reduce penalties for falsifying earnings reports.
2. Also collude with politicians to socialize any losses because Oil Drums are a Vital Part of the Nation's EconomyTM.
3. Bribe media personalities to hype your product and inflate the demand for your stock further, naturally increasing the cost of the stock while doing nothing to increase the value of the company.
4. Pay yourself in stock to avoid income tax.
5. Hire lobbyists to ensure that the Estate Tax stays low so you can hand your business off to your heirs while contributing as little as possible to the infrastructure that makes it possible. (Notice we don't see any actual workers being portrayed here? Where are these drums coming from?)
6. If you don't want to invest in making a "better product," just use your financial leverage to undercut competitors with rock-bottom prices until they are out of business, and then gobble them up.
1. I agree with one commentator who suggests that this commercial is so vapid and vanilla that it could very well be a piece of Deep Fake which includes no actual actors and was 100 percent generated by AI.
2. I agree with another commentator who suggests that this commercial perfectly encapsulates the mindset of the current generation- devoid of originality, incapable of coming up with any ideas on their own, relying on a mindless, soulless Artificial Intelligence Entity to create ideas for a road trip with just you and your....sister? What the hell....
3. Who on Earth goes on a road trip with their sister? What the hell is going on here? I have my own theory...
4. You don't get suggestions on Good Places to Bury the Body unless you upgrade to the $19.99 per month version.
Cat Head, the Bringer of Death to Online Binge Shopping
(A real gravestone in a real cemetery and totally not generated by ChatGBT.)
Luddites Rejoice!
The Cat Head Permanently Available for a Limited Time at half-price ($39.99 compared to the Regular Even Though You Never Saw This Before Because It Didn't Exist Last Month $79.99) may not actually bring Good Luck to your Home, but it may just be the harbinger of the Never-to-be-Mourned Death of Online Shopping and the return to good old fashioned, shoe-leather-expending mall hikes. As a Boomer who fondly remembers annual trips to FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us, The Sharper Image etc. in search of That Perfect Gift in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, the appearance of this AI-generated nonsense doesn't represent a piece of Dollar-Star Quality garbage being vomited out of a factory in Chongqing, it represents a Renaissance of in-person, Seeing Is Believing when it also comes with Holding and Weighing shopping.
I for one would like to thank the creators of this scam- and the creators of the Crystal Bookcase Coffee Mug scam, and the creators of the Realistic Easter Bunny Robot that Responds to Commands Scam, and basically the creators of every Artificial Intelligence Scam for their contributors to Making Capitalism Communal Again. Dare I go a step further and dream of a time when nobody believes ANYTHING they see online and insist on doing everything in person?
While we're waiting for the completion of the Death Certificate, I'd like to point you to my new Merch Store. It's the only place you can buy this beautiful hand-crafted headstone celebrating the death of the QR code, currently half-price ($39.99, normally $79.99.) It will bring good luck to your, um, cemetery, or something.
Is it just me? Am I the only one out there who thinks that maybe the time to shut off your brain and get carried away into a little fantasy where you're conducting an orchestra is NOT while you're cruising down the road at high speed in a heavy plastic, metal and chrome vehicle with two little kids who are kind of counting on you in the back seat?
What exactly is the purpose of "hands-free" driving anyway? What are you supposed to be doing with your hands other than keeping them on the wheel while for every second the car is in movement you are putting lives, including your own, in danger? I know we decided years ago that the awesome responsibility of moving that Point A to Point B-mobile was not so large that it couldn't be augmented with music, Bluetooth, texting, etc. but the last time I checked one state after another was passing laws requiring that if we were going to be drive distracted we must at LEAST accept that our hands should be on the wheel. So that's over now?
I guess this just makes sense in a world where people regularly send and read texts from their phones while hurling themselves in their deadly four-wheeled missiles down highways or slowly rolling through suburban streets surrounded by little children who ought to be indoors if they don't want to be at risk of being killed by Busy Busy Perpetually Connected Adults in Cars. I'm still a little astonished that I woke up one day and found myself on a planet where an ad encourages people to daydream - with their hands off the wheel- even if they've got little children who've involuntarily placed their lives in their hands sitting innocently in the back. As the cool kids text, just SMH.
Seriously, what the hell? When did we adults wake up and decide that dressing ourselves was impossibly complicated, we need help, and we're willing to pay for it? People in my generation remember snarking on Garanimals because that line featured matching animal labels which made it easier for harassed, exhausted parents to figure out what tops went with what bottoms. Ok, it's kind of stupid and juvenile but as it turns out people who used the little animal hints were freaking Daniel Boone carving out villages in the wilderness compared to today's bunch which apparently can't leave the house because- yes, I guess it's true- we don't know how to dress at all anymore.
Never mind "First World Problems." This is next-level, people. We need to be able to project pants and shirts onto our bodies before we purchase them- and, no doubt, get some AI to assure us that we won't be laughed at when we leave the house wearing our purchases. Because thirty years of the internet and twenty years of iPhones and online shopping have left our ability to navigate through everyday life in the gutter.
We don't cook anymore- there's fast food and FACTOR and DoorDash for that. We don't drive anymore- the cars basically do that themselves, and this is JUST as I got used to using Maps and Garmin for directions. We don't read anymore- why read, when you can Watch? Choosing an outfit to wear in public five days a week (pajamas are fine Saturdays, Sundays and for plane trips) was just the next little job for Something Else to Do For Us.
Because it just isn't the holidays unless at least one person at the gathering is obsessively gambling on sporting events while keeping his phone half-hidden under the table. And you certainly aren't a gambling addict unless you view every moment of the day in terms of odds and margins.
Like pretty much all ads for FanDuel, SportsKings, and the other Celebration of Economically Crippling, Family Destroying Addiction, this one is played for laughs while being pretty much the opposite of Funny. Seriously, if someone in your family is distracted by a gambling app during a holiday meal, maybe you should get together with the others and plan an Intervention. Before he comes to you to ask for a short-term loan or a couch to sleep on or a cosigner on an apartment rental because Dallas didn't cover in the Thanksgiving afternoon game against Detroit.
"Happy Holidays?" Might as well show this guy slipping into the closet to take a swig of rum from the flask hidden in his pocket or stepping into the cold for a quick smoke. When will television get it- ADDICTION ISN'T FUNNY and GAMBLING DOESN'T ADD VALUE TO SPORTS? The answer is: a few thousand broken homes and any point-shaving scandal now, we promise.
...in that you definitely need to be living the lifestyle depicted here to afford this ridiculous, unreliable money pit of a motorized vehicle.
Want a Range Rover? Better already own a paid-off Range to Rove. And yes, you should also have a paid-off Manor to park it in front of when it's not in the shop (which will be often if you actually try to use it to Rove your Range.) And you should make sure that you have a pile of cash to dig into when your stupid LookAtMeMobile/Compensation Purchase breaks down because as I implied in the first paragraph, these things are notorious for their need of regular, expensive maintenance and repairs. The Check Engine light on these things better come with heavy duty bulbs because they have to work harder than any other part.
If these stupid things could talk, they wouldn't be describing the Range. They'd be describing the interior of your local mechanic's shop. Hard pass.
Get ready because here comes the email announcing that your unbelievably cushy job that in real life would have been given to some guy making a dollar an hour in Mumbai has been taken over by AI!
Seriously, this ad was retro when it originally came out and it's downright laughable now. Even at the time of it's release- I think around 2019- the idea of a young white woman in the United States being hired to handle basic "when's the system coming back on?" responses from customers was ludicrous. I posted at the time that this had to be the dimwitted daughter of one of the CEO's golfing buddies just trying to make some money to pay off student debt; it really was not believable that she'd be a new "member of the team" because what company in 2019 was still hiring native-born locals to do stuff like this? Long before 2019 mindless drone work like this had been farmed out to Call Centers in the emerging world. It wasn't being done by middle-class white people from the freaking burbs.
Hopefully, this girl got her act together and didn't count on this ridiculous gig to pay her bills for more than a few weeks (and hopefully, those people on the Sub-Continent have landed cushy jobs trying to scam elderly Americans into buying fake funeral insurance.) Because "work" like this is history and it's not ever going to be done by an actual human being, ever again; these jobs are now being handled by a an AI image and scriptbot even more limited in how it can respond than that guy with the thick Pakistani accent (or this girl) was.
Why are they trying to convince us that breathing in detergent residue will send us on an acid trip or, failing that, make doing our laundry the highlight of our week? No matter where these people are or what they are doing, everything stops so that they can enjoy the sensation of jamming their noses into their towels, bedsheets, etc. and reminding themselves of how very very much they appreciate the scent of their favorite batch of liquid chemicals.
There are other commercials where people seem to experience the same ascent into Nirvana when they slide into the front seat of their ridiculous LuxuryMobile and proceed to drive at high speed through cityscapes. Is detergent the Audi for the masses? Will Gain offer a discounted rate on their bottles of suds so the rest of us can have a December to Remember, just at the laundromat instead of the ski chalet?
Sports star sitting on a vast couch in the middle of a vast living room in what I assume is a vast suburban estate musing "life would sure be easier if...." Yeah, very relatable, State Farm.
Caitlin Clark wishes her sport could be easier. Here's the thing, though: Clark recently signed a four-year contract in the WNBA which will pay her an average of $78,000 per year. That's not a typo- she'll make seventy-eight thousand dollars a year playing in the WNBA. So whose massive house is she sitting in?
Well, unless it's just a sound stage, the answer is probably: Hers. You see, less than three-tenths of one percent of Clark's money actually comes from playing basketball. She has also signed an eight-year deal with Nike Shoes that will "earn" her $28 million over that period, and collects royalties for a signature Wilson basketball. In all, she makes an estimated $12-14 million PER YEAR and is set for life if she never plays another game. Her WNBA gig pays her just slightly more than I make teaching High School, but like most people, I need to pay all my expenses working one full-time job. This woman's "profession" opened up the doors to all those other opportunities, but it's a completely incidental line item in her current revenue stream. It would make a lot more sense if we saw her wishing that doing commercials was easier. It wouldn't be any more relatable, but it would make more sense.
The part that gets me about this ad for $6 pancake deals is the "every day" line. I get it- they just mean that the deal is available every day. They don't expect you to show up every day for pancakes, hash browns, side meats and butter, butter and more butter. But it IS 2025 after all- there are many, many people out there who hit Starbucks for coffee milkshakes every morning and Taco Bell every lunch break and whatever is a Special on Uber Eats for dinner, so now I kind of wonder- does IHOP want this to be an every day thing? I mean, it's a day's worth of calories for six dollars....
...a nightmare world/Twilight Zone Episode where everyone in a surface-level-upscale suburban community has filled their McMansions with IKEA and Dollar Store-Quality junk, probably because they spent all their money on more house than they can afford and the Lexus they are paying on at $999 a month, $3499 down, for the next seven years.
I can totally see this being a trend. After all, the neighbors see that flashy Entertainment Center/Overcompensation On Wheels sitting in your driveway. They rarely see what kind of furniture you have; they sure don't have time to inspect it beyond the superficial glance. If the lamp turns on, if the sofa doesn't collapse, if the coffee table can handle the load of your coffee cup without creaking- well, it must be excellent quality because come on, if you could swing that Lexus you'd spare no expense inside the house, right? The neighbors aren't going to detect the particleboard and they aren't going to lift the lamps and realize that for all their solid appearance their weight suggests thin plastic rather than ceramic. In short, the facade will probably hold up as long as they never look too closely- and as long as they stay fixated on that Lexus.
The other option is to buy a practical, 10-year old car and modest quality furniture on Facebook Marketplace (that's what I did, because I'm smart and I'm not out to impress anyone; good thing, too.) I mean, when the Lexus gets repossessed, or the neighbors over for cocktails (is that something people still do?) finally do notice that your house is furnished with fiberboard and Aaron's Selloff -level junk electronics- when the gild is finally peeled off- where will your reputation built on a house of cards be then?
I get that there's supposed to be a double meaning to "gut feeling" here- like, eating this ultra-produced garbage is supposed to be good for your gut while at the same time encouraging you to go with your spontaneous notion of doing something fun. Because I'm a curmudgeon, I have a few issues with this message:
1. There's nothing about this stuff that is good for your gut. It's Diabetes in a Bowl and should not be consumed by anyone who is more interested in their long-term health than their short-term satisfaction. Not a good choice for anyone who cares more about what's in their food than how pretty it looks in a bowl of milk (which no one should be drinking after the age of 6 or so anyway.)
2. The "gut feeling" that leads to a romp in the bouncy castle is called a "sugar rush" and yeah I guess it's a better way to use that quick energy spike than just continuing to sit on your ass watching that middle-aged pouch above your belt get bigger, but what do you do in ten minutes when the crash ends and you're hungry again (in many cases, hungrier than before you consumed that bowl of worthless carbohydrates and dairy your body hasn't needed since you were an infant?) Oh right, I know- either eat more sugar to keep that feeling going (but sugar isn't an addictive drug, so don't you dare suggest otherwise) or take a nap, at which time your body will store the unused energy as adipose tissue. Either way, you lose.
3. A couple of eggs and a piece of fruit (NOT JUICE) would have given you more energy and it would have lasted much longer, besides leaving you satiated for hours, not minutes. But it doesn't look or taste like candy so it's a hard pass, I guess. Again, though- sugar's not addictive. 🙄
If the Baptists and Calvinists are right, I will find this film playing in an endless loop in the Afterlife. I will be like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, being forced to consume this painful dreck as payment for all of my sins in this life.
How much do I hate this film? Let me count the ways....
Steve Martin plays the father of a spoiled rotten horror of a daughter who is pulverized by all around him for daring to object to her plans for a monstrously expensive ceremony that would have made the Romanovs blush in their heyday. Diane Keaton plays Diane Keaton, with the same hairstyle and lack of emotional range she showed in every film the appeared in for the better part of three decades, constantly assaulting us with a smile that would make any sane person want to smash her face in with an ice pick.
Martin is condemned by his daughter and wife for daring to even suggest that maybe, just maybe, $250 per plate is a ridiculous expense for what is essentially an afterparty for people who donated a day of their lives to watch people get married. He gets eyerolls and sighs from the people who will NOT be contributing a single dime to the expenses, especially when he suggests that the event planner and his assistant not be included on the guest list. BTW, $250 in 1991 is $661 today.
Unable to get any sympathy- or even the courtesy of a fair hearing- from his family, and being the most disgusting Simp I've ever seen on film, Martin's character goes off to the local grocery store, tears hot dog buns out of their packages because he "only needs" 12 buns to go with his pack of 12 hot dogs, and verbally assaults the minimum-wage workers who question his actions. This guy can't stand up to his ridiculous wife and daughter but he'll blow off steam to customer service people who don't live in huge mansions and don't have to worry about financing over-the-top weddings because they'll never have the bank account to even consider them. He gets arrested and is put into a jail cell, because that's definitely how the the police would handle petty vandalism/theft committed by a rich middle-aged white man in 1991.
When his wife shows up to bail him out, she makes him listen to a lecture first about how "we can afford this wedding" because they don't go to Europe and they don't have fancy cars. Time to apply the ice pick again. Lady, your husband is the only reasonable person in this entire film. It's not about being able to afford this over-the-top spectacle. It's about looking at a situation like a freaking adult and not bending over backwards to accommodate a spoiled, starry-eyed little girl and her enabler hey-it's-not-MY-money mother.
To top it all off, at the end of the film the bride and groom depart the ceremony without even saying goodbye to the Dad who ultimately caved in on every demand and dumped his wallet onto the table so his little girl could be Princess for a Day. I know she comes back and there's a happy ending (though, to my mind, the only happy here is that it Ends*) but long before that happens I don't care anymore because I'm sick of one of my favorite comedians being kicked around by the people who see him as a walking ATM and are annoyed that he opens his mouth to speak when he should just be writing checks. Just, gross.
And I never even got to discuss Martin Short's portrayal of what 1990s audiences figured a gay wedding planner (he's gay because he's male; we all know straight men can't be wedding planners, that would be Gay) would look like. So yeah, it's even slightly worse than I described.
*There's a sequel in which both wife and daughter are pregnant at the same time, which leads to more massive draining of Dad's bank account because Of Course It Does. Even Martin Short is back for some reason. I've never seen it and I never will- unless the endless loop movie in hell is a Double Feature.
"She started college last week, and already she's homesick..."
Well, yeah. Generally being homesick is an initial emotion when you go away to school or anywhere else for the first time. It tends to wear off after a while. So it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to point out that this girl is "already" homesick. This is still very new for her.
To alleviate homesickness, she wonders how she might make her* dorm room more "homey." So she asks Google and gets a bunch of great ideas on how to get into heavy credit card debt quickly rather than just giving herself time to get the f--k over it. Before you know it, she's got the place tripped out in what Google's AI has decided is Southwestern motif. How much did this cost? Who cares? Everyone keeps talking about how great the job market is for college graduates plus I hear there's this loan forgiveness program so no worries, right?
*Is that her roommate walking in at the end? Was she consulted before all this new stuff was ordered? Is she into Southwestern Decor? Or is this just a case of "hey, if you didn't want the place you live in completely redecorated without your input, you shouldn't have gone away for the weekend, especially when you know your roommate is a self-absorbed homebody?"
