Want those clients to use your company again and again? Well, you could provide quality service at a good price. But let's face it- that requires effort, and considering your planned profit margin it's probably not especially practical, either. So give them the next best thing- a coffee mug with the name of your company stamped on it. Or maybe a beer can cozy. Or a pen. That will "wow" them. For sure.
Want to keep those employees happy? Well, you could provide decent pay and a pension plan and paid vacations and flexible hours and maybe even bring back that work-from-home option that worked so well during the Bad Times of 2020. But again- you've got that profit margin to consider, and all that sounds like a lot of effort and expense. So give them the next best thing- maybe a tote bag with the name of the company they work at stitched into the side. And I bet they drink coffee, too- so again, maybe go with those mugs. That stuff will "wow" them. For sure.
I will congratulate that grinning idiot woman assuring the panicky other idiot woman that she's "4imprint certain" because she works for 4imprint. That's a very brave front she's presenting there, and it's almost believable that she doesn't want to put a bullet through her brain and put an end to the terrible disappointment that her life has become. Sorry, got a little dark there- but come on. She did NOT go to college planning to land in THIS job.
So macaroni and cheese in the box isn't easy enough for you? You're going to just pour cheddar cheese-flavored soup all over macaroni and bake it? You think that makes it "homemade?" I mean, sure it didn't arrive at the door via Uber Eats courtesy of a kid on a bike, but still. Come on.
Speaking of lazy- you're not even going to put that mess into a bowl for your kid? You're just going to have her eat out of the baking dish trough? There's got to be a dozen servings there. And is this the whole meal? What the actual hell am I looking at here?
(Specifically, the two people in this ad, which is running roughly every ten freaking minutes on several of the televisions at my local Planet Fitness and would probably be even more cringey if I could hear whatever awkward weirdness these two idiots are stammering at each other.) Fortunately, PF is a No Judgement Zone so they won't throw you out for repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOD GET A FREAKING BOWL!" roughly every ten minutes, either.
So the sight of a clunky old typewriter in a pawn shop inspires this woman to become a writer? Is it safe to assume that if this commercial took place in the 1970s, she'd be starting her "writing career*" by purchasing a number of quill pens and jars of ink?
How long does she think that typewriter is going to last before it needs a new ribbon- and where is she going to find that? How long is the charm of a noisy, user-unfriendly, heavy chunk of metal with keys that jam every few sentences and a very lame back-erase feature (and another tape that has to be replaced) going to hold up? How long before this woman remembers that it's 2025 and we've got light laptops and printers now? How long before she realizes that the stupid typewriter might as well have a disclaimer that reads TALENT NOT INCLUDED? How long before she realizes that if she wants anyone to actually read her travel journal (instead of the four million travel journals already available on YouTube, Tiktok ,etc.) she's going to have to digitize it anyway, making the whole tappa tappa tappa typing thing just a stupid, pretentious extra step that would impress absolutely nobody even if they were told about it?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go my neighborhood pawn shop (I live in suburban Maryland. There are at least five pawn shops within a five-minute drive) and pick up a guitar so I can start my career as a rock star. Because that's how that works.
*I believe it was a Woody Allen character who critiqued the work of a wannabee novelist by remarking "that's not writing, that's typing." Whoever did say this, he was exactly right; battering away on a typewriter doesn't make one a writer any more than traveling to other countries makes one interesting. Try harder, lady.
Obsession(n): an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on one's mind.
This, to Verizon Fios, is a GOOD thing. And Verizon has got you covered, whatever your "obsession," as long as that Obsession involves being immobile on the couch staring at a glowing box and getting no fresh air or exercise or engaging in any actual social activity whatsoever.
As near as I can tell, what we're seeing is four or five Adults of Diversity playing a board game on a table decorated with rapidly-cooling junk food someone brought in (Uber Eats?) from Burger King. I guess at some point, the black woman has a temporary victory which causes her to go into a little dance, but it's only a temporary victory because at the end we see Not Bryce Howard being crowned with a greasy piece of cardboard so I guess she actually won the game- and meanwhile, that food hasn't been touched at all. Which means it's cold. Cold food from Burger King; if this is "ruling," I'll continue to refuse to participate in this political system, thanks anyway.
Seriously, though. Why is that food even there? Nobody really seems interested in consuming any of it. At the end, at least pop the junk into the microwave. I mean, yuck.
Can we agree that "Land Cruiser" is the most pretentious name Toyota could possibly have invented to label this more recent version of Gas-Guzzling, Parking-Space Straddling, Bank Account-draining Suburban Grocery Hauler?
I'll give Toyota a little credit for truth in advertising, at least- "Land Cruiser" suggests that this thing is basically a passenger ship that glides over pavement* instead of water. It's not a car, it's not a truck, it's a freaking Boat. It doesn't roll, it Cruises. It's massive. We get it, Toyota. And yet, we don't get it at all. Why IS this even a thing?
*We all know that not one person in a thousand who purchases one of these land-dwelling dirigibles is actually going to get it dirty with intent. These things are going to be used to bring kids to soccer practice on Saturday and everything else home from Costco on Sunday. Give me a break.
This one really brings me back to those special occasions in which I would receive an invitation from my mom and dad to grace them with my presence at dinner. I'd get dressed up, call a taxi, and head off to the spot designated on the invite at the specified time, all the while wondering what special event was being celebrated to rate such an event.
In the middle of dinner, mom or dad would make the announcement- usually it involved deciding to change paper towel providers, or getting the car washed, or some other once-in-a-lifetime moment that could only be marked properly with a sit-down meal at a restaurant. Sometimes the event was tied to the place we were celebrating at- I remember being summoned to the local McDonald's, 6 PM sharp Tuesday Next, to mark the temporary return of the McRib. And the time we were called to dine at Applebee's to toast the $10 coupon dad got for Applebee's. Magic Moments.
So I can definitely relate to this ad; it's a real slice of my own life. I don't get what this kid is saying about "making varsity" or some such, but it's certainly uncouth of him for trying to step on the designated Reason for the Meal- the availability of rubber low-grade beef and microwaved fish-flavored bread crumbs. What's his deal, anyway?
So in what I have to assume is a desperate attempt to get customers to pay good money for grade-B quality garbage, Golden Corral now allows you to fill up a plate and bring it home so that you can continue to punish your digestive system and heart at your convenience later on.
That being said, I have two things to add about the exchange between the mom and kid in this commercial:
1. It's bad enough that you are modeling the idea that eating at this pig trough is a good idea, stupid mom. At least have some level of economic acumen and don't encourage your kid to use the one plate he's got for broccoli. As cheap as those frozen butterfly shrimp and that "steak" is, they are still more valuable than that green weed. Let the kid go for the protein, such as it is.
2. Never in the history of Anything has a kid been this excited at the prospect of eating leftovers. The only way this makes sense is if the kid is expressing relief at having his order be take-out and being spared the experience of actually sitting in one of these "restaurants" (which, I promise, look nothing like the brightly-lit, spacious, clean sets we see in these ads.) As bad as that stuff must take when it's freshly microwaved, I don't want to think about what shoe leather it turns into once it starts to cool down. Hard Pass.
First let me say at the very outset that I did enjoy this film; I thought that the acting, with one or two glaring exceptions, was superb and the story was both important and well-told. The last thing I want to do is throw any shade on attempts to tell tough stories about the reality of the modern economy. Forty years ago, "Roger and Me" really opened my eyes to the reasons and consequences for the collapse of the middle class. "99 Homes" I think attempts to do much the same thing- and, as I said, I did enjoy this film- but also fails on a number of levels.
First- the ethos of the film seems to be that if you are already in a home and you are earnest in your belief that the house belongs to you, missing mortgage payments simply should not matter. If a bank requires a homeowner to live up to his contract, that bank is Evil and Wrong, especially if the homeowner has a wife and kids or is a senior citizen. In short, home ownership is a Sacred Right. I wonder if the writer of this film has the same grace toward renters who don't pay their rent- can we be evicted if we fail to pay? What if we have children? Is the right to renege on a contract exclusive to people who buy property?
Second- Laura Dern's character is just infuriating throughout the whole film. She lives with her son and grandson and "runs a business" (is a hairdresser) out of the home. She worries about money when they are forced to move into a motel but makes no effort to get an actual job that would pay a regular salary, being perfectly comfortable to put the entire burden on her son. Then she rages at her son for taking a job foreclosing homes- a job which will get them out of the motel and back into their home. Then, when he decides to sell the family home to buy a better one, she flies off the handle, insisting that she wants "their" home back and will not live in the new house.
Um, the old family home is not yours, lady. Your son bought it. He can sell it if he wants. What is the matter with you? Why are you acting as if you have a say in this? But it gets worse- she decides to take her GRANDSON away with her rather than live in the beautiful new house. Um, excuse me? How does she have the right to do this? Isn't this kidnapping? THAT IS NOT YOUR SON, LADY. If you "can't" live in the new house, there's the door. But you don't take the boy with you. What planet are you from, anyway?
Third- with one exception, every single person who faces eviction in this film is a victim of their own choices, yet acts as if they are under attack by "The Economy" and "The Rich" and "The Banks." At one point the "bad" guy points out that one couple failed to make their mortgage payments after taking out a stupid loan to add an extension they didn't need. That improvement could just as easily have been a swimming pool or a Disney vacation- it was a decision to borrow money which must now be repaid, but we are told to be angry at the creditors. The one exception is the guy at the end who keeps his house because of a technicality (an unfiled legal form) and not because he actually paid his mortgage. Warms the heart, it does.
I don't know- maybe I'm just getting cold-blooded in my old age, but my empathy meter didn't move much during this film (except for the widowed old guy who got scammed by a reverse mortgage; I felt bad for him.) Maybe it's because I've rented my entire adult life and even during the great housing fire sale of 2008 I didn't take the jump and tie myself down to 30 years of payments I was not sure I could make. Am I really supposed to have sympathy for people who have lived in appreciating assets during the same time but for some reason failed to make their payments? Because I don't. Someone explain to me why I should.
Michael Shannon is not a villain in this film, Andrew Garfield is not a villain in this film, and Laura Dern is not a heroine in this film (she's just a screechy anchor around her son's neck. And a kidnapper.) Ok, I'm done.
"I'm sure you're wondering why you brought you here to Golden Corral."
Yeah, is something wrong? I mean, this place is crap and with the actors being chosen to portray actual customers, and the extras chosen to depict actual customers in the background. and the cleanliness and excellent lighting and the rest, this sure doesn't resemble any Golden Corral I've ever seen.
"It's because the food here is almost frighteningly cheap considering what it claims to be. Do you know how expensive this would be in an actual restaurant with real health and quality standards that DOESN'T cater to people who wear sweatpants almost exclusively and have BMIs that resemble highway speed limits?"
"My script says I'm supposed to say 'no, I'm only six,' because ad execs still think that's the way six year olds talk."
"Well, it would cost a LOT."
"Since I'm a precocious kid in an American television ad, I'll just throw in 'well, you get what you pay for,' and I didn't imagine that this bland, greasy sludge was particularly hard on your wallet, dad."
In both this ad and the upcoming Part II, the parents act as if they've never heard of this Golden Corral place and are just stunned to find that there's a building calling itself a restaurant where a family can stuff itself with all of the reheated fish sticks, chicken and gravy it can hold down for one low price. Again, is something wrong here?
Spoiled rotten blonde suburban princess found out that she could save a few bucks by having Homeaglow do the housekeeping she is probably perfectly capable of doing herself, so she happily FIRED her housekeeper. She didn't "stop looking for housekeepers" or even "let her housekeeper go." She FIRED her. Which would mean Unemployment Benefits and other security except that you just KNOW the housekeeper who got fired was being paid under the table (and was probably dependent on a job which involved scrubbing this hideous woman's toilet) and Blonde Wifey Model #37 caused a severe financial crisis when she decided to respond to a clickbait "Super-Cheap Housekeeping Service" ad on YouTube.
"I've done a good job for you, why are you firing me?"
"Because I found a cheaper option. Say hi to Pepe for me."
"His name's Mario. I don't know how I'm going to tell him we might have to leave the area to find more work, all his friends go to the school he's in now."
"That's sad. I bet you can get a job with Homeaglow. Sure, they won't pay you anywhere near as much as I was, but at least it will be familiar work and Pepe gets to stay in his school."
"Mario. His name's Mario."
"I'd love to chat, but I'm late for my MAGA rally. Hope you and Pepe have an awesome day, and if I don't see you again, good luck in Mexico."
It's 21st century American television, so of course the main character of this trash is a fat, lazy, clueless white man who isn't even bright enough to know how to pretend to look busy at his cushy office job. I have to assume he's someone's nephew, because this guy has earned his PhD at Not Giving One Flying Damn University.
After f--king around for I have to assume All Day (and also have to assume As Usual,) Bored Idiot surrounded by Intelligent, Productive Women Not Related to the CEO finally decides to send a text that is so obviously AI-generated brown-nosing (and focuses primarily on shifting responsibility up the chain of command) that it stuns his boss into silence. Never mind that this only works if the guy who gets the text is less aware than the lump of cells molding it's shape into an office chair more valuable than the employee sitting in it. I mean, I'm a Boomer and I can recognize AI-generated content. If the doofus slob wanted his text to be believable, he would have kept it littered with broken syntax and maybe thrown in a few emojis to replace the thoughts he doesn't have in his head.
This guy is all but announcing over the intercom that he is doing no work, does not know how to do any work, has no interest in doing any work, and responds to requests to do work by attempting to use AI to hand the work off to someone else. I see no intelligence here, but he might be smarter than the people willing to put up with his nonsense and keep him employed in that office. Except, of course, that whole nepotism thing.
Full Disclosure: I have a Capital One credit card. I use it for big purchases (airplane tickets, hotels, stuff like that.) I have nothing against credit cards as long as they don't prey on economics-challenged desperate people who are on their way to Payday loans with plastic cards as a temporary way station. They are useful tools when used correctly.
My only reason for making this post is because this morning I got my daily "Well Deserved!" email from Capital One, which as usual offered to "reward" me with an offer to buy something. According to Capital One, pretty much everything I "deserve" involves an opportunity to use my card and accumulate debt. I deserve debt? I should reward myself with more debt? This sense no makes.
If Capital One would really like to reward me with something, how about more rewards points or a lower interest rate? I think I Deserve those things.
By the way, this commercial was made in 2006. I bet those actors playing the parents of that fat doofus are dead now. Maybe fat doofus son is dead too, unless he got that weight under control. Pardon me for being morbid. It's Monday, after all.
I mean, no wonder it's so expensive. Copper cures all aches and pains and is just magic, I guess, especially when combined with tight straps and especially when included in rigid material that holds the back in place.
Wait, what? It's the pressure that eases the back and wrist and knee pain, and not the copper? Is that why my compression socks help despite the fact that they don't contain any copper? Or is their lack of copper depriving me of the relief I could be getting? Could someone explain to me exactly HOW copper is supposed to ease pain- what is it about the chemistry of copper that gives it pain-alleviating properties?
I still maintain that copper is the Stone in the Soup of Pain Relief. Pressure increases stability and relieves pain. Adding copper increases....the price. And those copper wristbands? I put them in the same category of placebos, rabbit's feet, etc.-- believing that they work may make it so for some people.
This is using tension to reduce stress, and there's nothing new about the use of back braces. Considering that a lot of these ads are more than a decade old, there's nothing new about Copperfit's scam, either.
Pigeons may be ugly and dirty and all-around nuisances, but I'll say this for them: At least they're outside.
Looks like a nice day, too. But the zombie humans they are spying on are All About The Big Glowing Box and have no time for fresh air and sunshine because after all switching from one show to another- or even watching several at the same time- is so seamless and effortless. Going outside would require getting up. Maybe even putting on shoes. And if the humans here wanted anything to do with that nonsense, they wouldn't be paying hundreds of dollars a month on their TV addiction. I mean, let's be real here.
Binge away, DirectTV Zombies. I'm heading out for a walk. And if it sounds like I think I'm making the superior choice, well, yeah. I guess I am.
