Subscribe to Newsmax, Unless you want your family to DIE

Announcer: "The U.S. Department of Homeland Security advises that every American home should have an emergency radio."

"Homeland Security has advised all Americans that every home needs an emergency radio, in the event of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, electric power outages, and even terrorist attacks."

Newsmax.com cares so much for the safety of your family, the good people there want every American family to get this radio from their website for FREE, except of course for $5.95 Shipping and Handling. You also get four issues of Newsmax free. Then you get a renewal notice. Then you get charged $50 to have this fish wrap dumped into your mailbox for another eight months.

Then, my guess is, you get another renewal notice and another big charge on your credit card.

But even if the offer is completely on the level, it doesn't excuse the fact that Newsmax is using fear to sell their magazine: the message is "Look, the world is a very scary place. At any moment, your family could find itself in serious, serious trouble. If you don't have a crank-powered radio, you could DIE. Here's how to get one of these radios."

Even in the world of advertising, some things should be off-limits. I'm jaded enough to realize that we are never going to see an end to classic rock songs being used to sell hamburgers and cars, babies being used to sell tires, and sex being used to sell everything. But using the threat of another terrorist attack to sell magazines?? Come on.

Maybe my opinion of this commercial is colored somewhat by my opinion of Newsmax. Aren't familiar with the magazine? This blurb from the website should tell you all you need to know:

Each month in Newsmax magazine you'll read hard-hitting investigative reports and special commentaries from Ben Stein, Dick Morris, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, John Stossel, Bill O'Reilly, David Limbaugh, James Hirsen, Thomas Sowell, Michael Reagan, Ronald Kessler, Christopher Ruddy, and many others.

Fox News commentator Dick Morris calls Newsmax "a must read" for every informed American. Nationally syndicated radio host Michael Reagan, son of the late President Reagan, says: "I guarantee that you'll love Newsmax magazine."

Am I surprised that a right-wing website would use fear of another 9/11 to sell magazines? About as surprised as I was to see the sun set in the West this evening.

What does the FCC have to do with Coins?

I just love (hate) these commercials for coin brokers-- you know, the ones with the extremely excitable "host" interviewing some clown about a "fantastic opportunity" to invest in Morgan Silver Dollars. These are a variation of a commercial from last year in which these two choads giggled gleefully about "Confederate gold coins found on a ship sunk in the middle of the Mississippi River." This time, their breathless excitement is all about Morgan Silver Dollars "discovered in the cellar of an Indiana farmhouse."

Ok, all this is fine. Anyone dumb enough to believe that someone bought time on nationally syndicated radio shows to try to sell a cache of coins stumbled across by accident is soon parted with their money anyway. But here's the part that really ticks me off: After the usual blather about "how you can inspect a roll of these beauties for free!" and "this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, isn't it?" garbage, I believe a line is crossed: One of the announcers says "The FCC has agreed to allow us to release these coins into the market for a limited time...."

Um, the FCC? The Federal Communications Commission? Seriously? Well, no, not seriously. The words "Federal Communications Commission" are not uttered in the ad. The FCC has nothing to do with the trading of coins. But "FCC" is the name of the company selling the coins.
So what's with this "THE FCC" stuff? I can only conclude that these hucksters are trying to con the listeners into believing that the Federal Government has put some kind of seal of approval on this whole deal. And that's not misleading- it's just plain false, and I can't believe it's not 100% intentional.

For the record--

1. The Federal Communications Commission deals with the granting of radio and tv licenses. It has nothing to do with regulating the sale of overpriced coins found in sunken ships or Indiana farmhouses.

2. These shysters badly NEED regulating, because what they are selling is rolls of readily available coins at shockingly inflated prices to people who think they are making an investment in valuable collectibles. And they are doing it by lying- even if they took out the "the FCC" line, I would love to see the evidence that any coins sold by this company were ever found in the hold of a sunken ship or in some forgotten Indiana basement.

A few more points-- these commercials never fail to describe the coins as "virtually uncirculated." What does this mean? Anything the seller wants it to mean, I guess. Also, we are told that we can "inspect" a roll of these "beauties" risk-free for thirty days. That means big Shipping and Handling charges, of course. And how does one go about "inspecting" the roll of coins? Want to bet that opening the roll means you OWN the roll, and the good people at "The FCC" are going to be billing your credit card for the full amount now?

I wonder how many calls The FCC has received from people angry about being scammed into buying coins at stunningly inflated prices. Hopefully, enough to turn the matter over to The Department of Justice.

Breaking "News" designed to break your wallet

It sure looks like the CNN studio. There's scrolling text along the bottom of the screen- usually something like "MORTGAGE MARKET REACHES ROCK BOTTOM, CREATES HUGE ADVANTAGE FOR BUYERS" but today it reads " $75 BILLION OBAMA MORTGAGE BAILOUT FUELS BUYER'S MARKET." There's the two very professional "news" people sitting at the desk, papers in hand, with stern, serious looks on their faces. Billy Mays isn't yelling at me. It looks for all the world like I am about to hear a breaking NEWS report.

But wait- there's something strange here. Where I would expect to see a stock market ticker, I see instead the words HUGE SAVINGS. In tiny words in the right hand corner, in white so that they almost blend into the background, I can make out the word "Advertisement." And in even smaller print at the bottom, I see many, many words, among which are "Advertisement," "Program," and "Real Estate System." But that's all drowned out by the earnest "news" people breathlessly giving me the reports that are "coming in" to the "studio" via "satellite:" The real estate market, combined with "Obama's Mortgage Bailout," makes this a perfect time to buy real estate- if I know how.

Thank goodness, this "news" break, which runs half an hour (Just like the real news!) has managed to contact a "Real Estate Expert," (again, via "Satellite") to give us the "scoop" on this breaking "news." The most hysterical moment comes when the "guest" tells the "reporter" that "I'm glad to be here today to clarify exactly what is happening out there, and how your viewers can take advantage of this..." Of course, this idiot is no "guest"- he's the guy who produced the program, bought the air time, and is now trying to sell you some scam Real Estate-For-Dummies "System."

Here's what really pisses me off about crap like this- first of all, there really are people out there dumb enough to believe that they are watching an actual NEWS program concerning the real estate crisis. After all, if you turn on CNN, MSNBC, etc. you'll see a story on just that topic every night. The average viewer could very well find himself thinking "well, gee, I've heard something about the mortgage crisis, and bailouts, and they mention Obama, so this must be the news." But dressing an Infomercial up to look like a news broadcast is beyond dishonest- it's manipulative. For all the criticism the news media gets for the lousy way it does it's job, people still assume a certain level of neutrality and honesty from the coverage they see. So when they see a guy on what they think is a "news" program hype some great real estate "opportunity," they think that the opportunity is more valid than if they knew what they were watching was an Infomercial.

Second, it's just so damned cheesy. Fake reporters in a fake studio surrounded by fake graphics featuring fake statistics as they talk to a fake guest. How do these clowns keep straight faces during the whole thing? I guess I should give them points for acting ability, anyway.

Finally- aren't we in enough economic trouble without selling commercial time to slugs like the these? The people most likely to respond to this manipulative junk are the ones who are already in trouble and desperately looking for a way out. Like EZ-Cash and Credit Card Counseling services, these guys are just preying on the people who can least afford to be separated from any more of their cash. Tricking them into thinking that they are watching a legit news broadcast is just base and cruel. I really wonder how some of these pigs can sleep at night.

Meanwhile, its only a matter of time before we see fake sports scores and other "news" scrolling across the bottom of the screen, to make it look even more authentic. To avoid lawsuits, probably something along the lines of "Home Team Beats Visitors, 8-7 in Extra Innings" or "Hollywood Stars Divorce, Details to Come." You can set your watch to it. These guys have ZERO shame.

This has never happened. Ever.

Two adowable wittle girls walk up to their graying father, who is trying to enjoy a little Me time with the newspaper in what is an obviously upscale living room in an obviously upscale neighborhood. One of these precious little things says "Dad, we think it's time" and hands the guy a box of Just for Men hair coloring. "You could be a really good catch for someone!"

Oh COME ON. Never, in the history of our planet, has a pre-teen girl tried to get her (widowed?divorced?) father to date. I mean, this is disturbing on so many levels. Why do these girls want their dad to play the field? Did their mom die? Are their parents divorced and the girls have a bad relationship with mom? Doesn't really matter- girls this age are NOT interested in seeing their dads going off on dates.

And it's not like they've even picked out a woman that they like- the daughter says "you could be a really good catch for someone"- not "we think you should date Miss Jones, our homeroom teacher." They don't want daddy going out with a particular woman- just ANY woman. NOW.

It gets worse- the guy takes the daughters' advice, goes out on a date, and sends a photo of himself with his new lady friend to her daughters- who high-five eachother with delight.

Again- COME ON!! There are many emotions a preteen girl may feel when her father begins to date again. Resentment. Jealousy. Renewed sense of loss. Anxiety over the future. But happiness over seeing their dad hooking up with a new woman? Not a chance.

Why do the nice people at Nice and Easy want to show little girls anxious to see their dad playing the field, anyway? Do they imagine this is cute? It's not. It's just creepy and weird and not at all realistic.

But heck, at least Keith Hernandez doesn't make an appearence. That's something, anyway.

Smoke Free- just your standard S&H Scam

"You could try the nicotine patch or gums which cost $200-$400, only to find that they have a success rate of 7%, with no refund when they fail, 93% of the time...."-- the words come flying out of the announcer's lips so quickly, it's a bit hard to process the first time. Coincidence?

The ad is for "All-Natural Smoke Free," and it focuses far more on what's wrong with the traditional stop-smoking products than what's right about the product they are trying to sell here. In fact, we are never told what makes All-Natural Smoke Free work.

Yes, you could try the nicotine patch or gum, both of which are often recommended by doctors. "But these will cost you $200-$400." Oh, really? One nicotine patch, worn for a month, will set you back $21 at the online pharmacy I checked out. One hundred and fifty pieces of Nicorette (about a two-month supply for heavy smokers) will cost you $65. Both products are designed to wean you off Nicotine, not become permanent substitutes for cigarettes. So where did All-Natural Smoke Free come up with this $200-$400 figure? You'd have to use BOTH the patch and gum for FOUR MONTHS to reach $200 in expenses (not to mention the money you are saving by NOT SMOKING during this time.) I can only assume that the good people at All Natural Smoke Free just pulled those figures out of their butts (no pun intended.)

But here's the real red flag in this commercial: You can try this product risk-free, paying nothing but a small shipping and handling fee (the phrase "small shipping and handling fee" is used TWICE during the commercial, which is never a good sign.) And my favorite part: What do you get for your "small shipping and handling fee?" A "thirty-day supply of the Smoke Free Capsules (what are they? What are the active ingredients? We are never told) "A capsule holder" (Come on!) A "DVD support program" (DING DING DING!! PHONY HYPNOTISM ALERT! I SMELL KEVIN TRUDEAU!) "Weight loss capsules" (DING DING DING! THIS PRODUCT WORKS SO WELL, YOU'LL BE REPLACING CIGARETTE CRAVINGS WITH FOOD CRAVINGS!!) and a "guide to smoke-free living" (SEE DVD SUPPORT PROGRAM ALERT.)

What does all of this add up to? "A $130 value." Where does this figure come from? I'm not going to repeat the bad pun, but you get the idea. Sugar pills, a plastic container for the sugar pills, and handful of Dexatrim tablets, a stack of CDs designed to keep you entertained while your risk-free trial period expires, and a brochure is a "$130 value?" I doubt it.

Again, you get all this stuff for just a "small shipping and handling fee." And if it doesn't work, just send it back- on your dime, of course.

Come on. You are going to pay a lot of money on Shipping and Handling for a big, heavy box of junk-DVDs that are worse than worthless, weight-loss capsules you could easily pick up at the nearest pharmacy (and get free advice on which ones to take while you are there,) and a "guide" which probably spends more time telling you about time-share opportunities in the Caribbean than it does about quitting smoking.

This ad makes me almost as angry as the ones for Credit Counselors. Especially in bad economic times, there are a lot of people out there desperate to quit an addiction that may cost them thousands of dollars a year, and here come these scumbags on the radio to try to scam them out of money they don't have. I'd call them shameless, but they'd probably take it as a compliment.

Why get it for free when you can BUY it?

When you get off the metro at the National Mall in Washington, DC there are always guys to greet you and offer to sell you maps of the Mall, showing you where all the museums are and what their hours of operation are. If you don't purchase one of these maps, you'll have to wait until you actually walk into one of the (free) museums to pick one up (for free.)

That's right- the guys standing in front of the metro station are offering to sell you maps they snatched up at the information booths in the museums and which are available to all comers, for free.

Kind of sleazy, right? Maybe you'd even call it a fleecing, or a rip off. Well then, how are we to describe what the good people at FreeCreditReport.com offer us in radio and television commercials?

We all know the commercials featuring the idiot with the guitar, singing his tales of woe- how his whole life went down the toilet because someone stole his identity, and oh if ONLY he had taken advantage of FreeCreditReport.com, he could have prevented the disaster which brought him down "like an atom bomb" (to borrow from the lyrics of one of his commercials.

Side Note- is this guy the unluckiest shmuck in the universe, or what? First, the theft of his identity reduces him to dressing up like Judge Reinhold in Fast Times at Ridgmont High and selling fish to "tourists in t-shirts." Later, we see him living in his mother-in-law's basement with his new wife, who had her credit stolen. I think when the asteroid that ultimately kills us all finally slams into the Earth, it will land on this guy's house. Or basement.

FreeCreditReport.com sells a service you are entitled to for FREE- everyone is entitled to a free accounting of their credit score from each of the scoring industries every single year. If you sign up for a "free" credit report from FreeCreditReport.com, you'll get a "free" credit report- but you'll also get 11 credit reports over the next year which will cost you $14.95 each.

That's right- you'll pay almost $180 for something you are entitled to for FREE. Of course, you get 12 credit reports instead of one, but you only need that many reports if the commercials have made you paranoid that Identity Thieves are stalking you, waiting for you to drop your guard for a moment so they can swoop in and steal your good name. Better get constant updates on your credit, or you'll be doomed to holding down crappy jobs (Why? What does having bad credit have to do with getting a decent job? It makes NO SENSE!) and living in basements.

One more snark- the commercial that shows the FreeCreditReport.com moron playing an electric guitar at a Renaissance Faire. Fail, fail, fail!! I'll admit to being enough of a geek to like Renaissance Faires, and I can tell you that none worth the title would allow a performer to use an electric guitar!

If you still want to sign up for FreeCreditReport.com, I have some maps of the National Mall I'd like to sell you.

Dear Volkswagen: Sell me THAT car! Or just shut up!

Full disclosure: My first car was a black 1964 Volkswagen Beetle. Actually, the car was my grandfather's, but he let me drive it any time I wanted. Until one day in 1983, when I lost control of it trying to avoid a deer on a dirt road, rolled it three times, and totaled it.

My second car- and the first one which had a title in my name- was a blaze-orange 1974 Superbeetle. I loved that car. Except for the fact that it burned more oil than gasoline, broke down pretty much every other day, and wouldn't start if it was under 32 degrees outside until I had a little heater installed underneath the engine, it was a great car. Broke my heart to sell it- for $600- after a year when it was time to go back to college.

Anyway, what all this is leading to is my critique of the series of Volkswagen commercials featuring the black VW bug talking into a microphone- first saying "thees is getting very interesting" (when it really, really wasn't- I mean, come on, a floating computer screen which you signed to find out which cookie-cutter volkswagen matched your personality?) The Jump the Shark moment for this particular theme was when we had an utterly creepy pair of twins come in to pick out a car- one of the Stepford Sisters says "I came in yesterday and got a Passat with Sign and Drive, and now my sister wants one too." This sister is ultimately mortified when it turns out her clone is better matched to a Jetta. Horrors! (As if there's any difference between a Passat and a Jetta- Slylock Fox would be stumped attempting to find one.)

And now the tag line is "it's what the people want."

What the people want is a boring pseudo-compact that only comes in white? Really? Well, at least you aren't trying to tell me that "this is getting very interesting" anymore. But in your most recent effort, dear Volkswagen people, you've really lost me.

We have a number of people telling us things like " the people want good gas mileage." "the people want comfort." "the people want style." Then you totally blow it, showing what appears for all the world like an 8-year old girl telling us from the back seat "the people want to go potty. Now."

Potty? Really? From an eight-year old? Uck. Come on.

Bring back the clone girls. At least they had a potentially interesting storyline: the passive-agressive battle between the Dominant Human and her once-submissive, suddenly slightly assertive copy. Now that the formerly retiring spinoff has broken free and purchased a Jetta, what's next? Different clothes? A smile?

Come on. Be bold. Show us the back story. I'm sure it will be plenty ugly, but it's bound to be better than infantalized preteens demanding a chance to go Potty.

POTTY? Did you even look at this girl before you handed her the script?