Look, I'm as "Against Cancer" as the next person. I'm against Cancer, and potholes, and the use of cellphones on trains and in movie theatres. All that being said, I must say that I'm also against Pointless Posing. Which makes the latest "Stand Up Against Cancer" commercial all the more grating.
The narrator tells us that "its time. It's time to stand up. Stand up. Stand up against Cancer. Stand Up. Stand UP." And sure enough, one sullen, angry-looking character after another stands up and stares at me as if I'M the personification of cancer, and damn it, they've had more than enough of me. I'm going down. Now.
It gets a little silly when the camera focuses on a poolside picnic, and not only does one person Stand Up with the prerequisite Pissed Off Look, but a woman in the background actually gets out of the pool to Stand Up, too. Wow, Cancer is really outnumbered here. Playtime's over, Cancer! You're about to get Schooled!
Naturally the last person to Stand Up is Lance Armstrong, Mr. Cancer Survivor himself. If you are a disease, and Lance Armstrong is standing up to you, you might as well just fall on your sword. It was a nice ride, but it's over for you now. Better call it a day.
What the hell is all this about? How does standing and posing do anything to help eliminate cancer? Has cancer really been such a brutal killer because we just weren't united in fighting it? So all it ever took was enough people to stand, turn, and stare into a camera with a determined, angry look on their faces to force cancer to back down?
Come on. A cure for cancer takes money. More money is needed for research. We need to contribute more personally, and we need to pressure the government to invest more on treatment and finding a cure. A cure for cancer will be found when enough money is spent, not when enough self-satisfied posers stand and look into a camera. Cancer won't be stared down, and all posing does is allow some people to pretend they are doing something about it. It's about as effective as a bumper sticker.
Stop posing. Stop staring. Please. It's just showy and stupid and pointless. Just tell me what I can do to help that doesn't involve me looking into a camera looking as if I've had a pout surgically attached to my face.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
McDonald's Goes Minimilist, Someone Gets Paid Anyway
Two guys are sitting in a booth at McDonald's, eating breakfast. Here's how the "conversation" goes:
Guy #1: "I woke up this morning with real hunger pains."
Guy# 2: "Pangs"
Guy #1: "Pains"
Guy #2: "Hunger Pangs."
Guy #1: "Whatever, they're gone now."
That's it. That's the whole commercial. Except for the obnoxious, grating little "I'm lovin' it" music and logo, that's the entire commercial.
Seriously, someone got paid for this? This is what you come up with if you've been out partying all night, stumble into work, and suddenly remember that your boss asked you for an advertising campaign on his desk first thing in the morning. This is what you jot down on an index card as you are walking down the hall to his office. This is the last "idea" you present before you are asked to clean out your desk.
Darrin Stevens came up with better ideas than "Hunger Pains/Pangs" on his worst day. Why'd you even bother, McDonalds? Next time, just run a Classic Retro commercial showing seniors attempting to leave a tip at their booth. Those were pretty good.
Guy #1: "I woke up this morning with real hunger pains."
Guy# 2: "Pangs"
Guy #1: "Pains"
Guy #2: "Hunger Pangs."
Guy #1: "Whatever, they're gone now."
That's it. That's the whole commercial. Except for the obnoxious, grating little "I'm lovin' it" music and logo, that's the entire commercial.
Seriously, someone got paid for this? This is what you come up with if you've been out partying all night, stumble into work, and suddenly remember that your boss asked you for an advertising campaign on his desk first thing in the morning. This is what you jot down on an index card as you are walking down the hall to his office. This is the last "idea" you present before you are asked to clean out your desk.
Darrin Stevens came up with better ideas than "Hunger Pains/Pangs" on his worst day. Why'd you even bother, McDonalds? Next time, just run a Classic Retro commercial showing seniors attempting to leave a tip at their booth. Those were pretty good.
Friday, March 27, 2009
You can't do this! The dog is DEAD!
Remember when the trend was to use dead celebrities to sell stuff? Remember Bing Crosby dancing on the ceiling with a vacuum? Martin Luther King images used to sell cell phone service?
Well, the idea is back and lamer than ever. This time, the dead celebrity is a dog.
I turn on my television, and there's Owen Wilson, attempting to open a bag of Purina Brand Puppy Chow while a little dog scampers about, getting in the way, and ultimately knocking the bag over and spilling it's contents all over the linoleum. Just in case you didn't see the film and don't know why Owen Wilson is doing a commercial for dog food, Wilson repeatedly refers to the puppy as "Marley."
Yes, Purina has apparently purchased the contract of one of the 27 dogs (no exaggeration, that's the number of different "Marleys" appearing in the film Marley & Me) America "fell in love with" a while back to make an appearance in a dog food commercial. Cute idea, huh?
The problem is- the dog dies at the end of the film. How can we be seeing Puppy Marley enjoying this Fine Product from Purina when we know the dog died at the end of the film?
What's next? Clint Eastwood as his character in Gran Tarino, in a commercial for Bud Lite?
It seems to me that once you've killed off a character in a movie, you can't use that character in a commercial. The character is DEAD. There aren't any "further adventures of Marley" to be exploited in commercials for dog food, squeaky toys, or anything else. He's DEAD.
Oh, and that means no sequels, either. Just a friendly reminder.
Well, the idea is back and lamer than ever. This time, the dead celebrity is a dog.
I turn on my television, and there's Owen Wilson, attempting to open a bag of Purina Brand Puppy Chow while a little dog scampers about, getting in the way, and ultimately knocking the bag over and spilling it's contents all over the linoleum. Just in case you didn't see the film and don't know why Owen Wilson is doing a commercial for dog food, Wilson repeatedly refers to the puppy as "Marley."
Yes, Purina has apparently purchased the contract of one of the 27 dogs (no exaggeration, that's the number of different "Marleys" appearing in the film Marley & Me) America "fell in love with" a while back to make an appearance in a dog food commercial. Cute idea, huh?
The problem is- the dog dies at the end of the film. How can we be seeing Puppy Marley enjoying this Fine Product from Purina when we know the dog died at the end of the film?
What's next? Clint Eastwood as his character in Gran Tarino, in a commercial for Bud Lite?
It seems to me that once you've killed off a character in a movie, you can't use that character in a commercial. The character is DEAD. There aren't any "further adventures of Marley" to be exploited in commercials for dog food, squeaky toys, or anything else. He's DEAD.
Oh, and that means no sequels, either. Just a friendly reminder.
Friday, March 20, 2009
"Drinkability? " What the hell does that mean?
I've been meaning for quite some time to post a few comments on the "Drinkability" Ad Campaign by Bud Lite. The very term is nonsensical- Bud Lite is not a solid, and it's not a gas, so yes, it's "drinkable." So what? Sure seems like damning with faint praise to me. I can think of a lot of "drinkable" products I wouldn't put in my mouth...
I assume that "drinkability" is Bud Lite's version of the "No bones" concept I encountered when I lived in Western New York, back in the early-90s. When I drank beer with friends, and the beer went down easy, we would say that there were clearly "no bones in this beer." What we meant (I think) was that we were thirsty and the beer tasted good. So I suppose that nowadays, we might say that the beer "sure is drinkable tonight." That is, if we wanted to be really, really lame.
Anyway, on to the commercial which finally convinced me that it was time to post: We see a bunch of twenty-and-thirty-somethings standing around at a backyard barbecue. A man and a woman, both holding a Bud Lite, watch as one of their fellow partygoers is jumping up and down on a trampoline. This guy's fun comes to an abrupt end when he lands too close to the side of the trampoline; the flimsy thing collapses, causing the jumper to crash into a table placed too close, and then finally to the ground.
The facial expression of the observers doesn't change one bit. The message is "Instability: Bad. Drinkability: Good."
Ok, a few questions for our friends at Budweiser: First, why is this adult man jumping up and down on a trampoline? Is he drunk, or just stunted intellectually? Second, is someone at this party going to put down their beer and see if the guy is badly injured? Every year, thousands of people suffer sprained ankles, concussions, broken bones and severe spinal injuries on these things. The guy in the commercial didn't just fall off the trampoline- he fell into a table with enough force to cause it to collapse. Why don't the two people watching seem to give a shit?
Finally- when are you guys going to get past the Lowest Common Denominator theory that it's funny when people get hurt? It would be just fine with me if we stopped using the misfortune of others as a punchline to giggle and snark at. I'm imagining that in the real world, one populated by Actual Human Beings, there would be a mad rush to this guy's side to make sure he isn't in need of paramedics. I hope to G-d that Bud Lite isn't promoting the kind of brutal coldbloodedness exhibited by the people in this commercial.
To conclude, let's revisit the whole "Drinkability" issue. Yes, Bud Lite is "Drinkable." So is tap water. Come to think of it, if you can't tell the difference between Bud Lite and tap water, you probably think that pretty much everything has "drinkability."
I assume that "drinkability" is Bud Lite's version of the "No bones" concept I encountered when I lived in Western New York, back in the early-90s. When I drank beer with friends, and the beer went down easy, we would say that there were clearly "no bones in this beer." What we meant (I think) was that we were thirsty and the beer tasted good. So I suppose that nowadays, we might say that the beer "sure is drinkable tonight." That is, if we wanted to be really, really lame.
Anyway, on to the commercial which finally convinced me that it was time to post: We see a bunch of twenty-and-thirty-somethings standing around at a backyard barbecue. A man and a woman, both holding a Bud Lite, watch as one of their fellow partygoers is jumping up and down on a trampoline. This guy's fun comes to an abrupt end when he lands too close to the side of the trampoline; the flimsy thing collapses, causing the jumper to crash into a table placed too close, and then finally to the ground.
The facial expression of the observers doesn't change one bit. The message is "Instability: Bad. Drinkability: Good."
Ok, a few questions for our friends at Budweiser: First, why is this adult man jumping up and down on a trampoline? Is he drunk, or just stunted intellectually? Second, is someone at this party going to put down their beer and see if the guy is badly injured? Every year, thousands of people suffer sprained ankles, concussions, broken bones and severe spinal injuries on these things. The guy in the commercial didn't just fall off the trampoline- he fell into a table with enough force to cause it to collapse. Why don't the two people watching seem to give a shit?
Finally- when are you guys going to get past the Lowest Common Denominator theory that it's funny when people get hurt? It would be just fine with me if we stopped using the misfortune of others as a punchline to giggle and snark at. I'm imagining that in the real world, one populated by Actual Human Beings, there would be a mad rush to this guy's side to make sure he isn't in need of paramedics. I hope to G-d that Bud Lite isn't promoting the kind of brutal coldbloodedness exhibited by the people in this commercial.
To conclude, let's revisit the whole "Drinkability" issue. Yes, Bud Lite is "Drinkable." So is tap water. Come to think of it, if you can't tell the difference between Bud Lite and tap water, you probably think that pretty much everything has "drinkability."
AT&T Doesn't Have a Monopoly on Hateful, Family-Unfriendly Commercials
A father sits in his living room, reminiscing. "I remember the day my daughter was born. April 7, 2003. I can't believe that it's been six years already." Ahhhh. What a sweet moment. Behind him is a glass door, and we can see that the room beyond it is filled with balloons. A pretty young girl rushes up to the closed door, and through it she yells "Hi, Daddy!" Then she's off again, to jump among the balloons. Daddy barely acknowledges his little girl.
"Yes, I sure do remember that day" Daddy continues. Then we see what Daddy is thinking about- the NCAA Final Four Championship game that took place that night.
This is supposed to be amusing- on the day that his daughter is celebrating her sixth birthday in the next room, Daddy is reminiscing about-- how Carmelo Anthony scored twenty points and won MVP of the tournament honors. Kind of makes you wonder where Daddy's head was on the day of his daughter's birth, doesn't it? Let's hope Mommy was thoughtful enough to give birth in the morning, so Daddy could run home and watch his precious basketball game.
I really, really hate crap like this. What we are being told is that every time his little girl has a birthday, this stupid moron is going to be reminded of a fricking college basketball game. And he's going to devote time to remembering it. Haha, isn't that funny. Isn't it amusing that daddy thinks more of a basketball game than his little girl. No, in fact, it's not funny at all. It's not original. It's just mean-spirited. Which, more and more, seems to be what the makers of tv commercials seem to be going for anyway. So I guess I should congratulate the good people at CBS for a Job Well Done. When I've finished choking down the bile, maybe I'll do just that.
"Yes, I sure do remember that day" Daddy continues. Then we see what Daddy is thinking about- the NCAA Final Four Championship game that took place that night.
This is supposed to be amusing- on the day that his daughter is celebrating her sixth birthday in the next room, Daddy is reminiscing about-- how Carmelo Anthony scored twenty points and won MVP of the tournament honors. Kind of makes you wonder where Daddy's head was on the day of his daughter's birth, doesn't it? Let's hope Mommy was thoughtful enough to give birth in the morning, so Daddy could run home and watch his precious basketball game.
I really, really hate crap like this. What we are being told is that every time his little girl has a birthday, this stupid moron is going to be reminded of a fricking college basketball game. And he's going to devote time to remembering it. Haha, isn't that funny. Isn't it amusing that daddy thinks more of a basketball game than his little girl. No, in fact, it's not funny at all. It's not original. It's just mean-spirited. Which, more and more, seems to be what the makers of tv commercials seem to be going for anyway. So I guess I should congratulate the good people at CBS for a Job Well Done. When I've finished choking down the bile, maybe I'll do just that.
Won't someone please smack this little prick upside the head?
It's an AT&T Wireless Commercial, which means we get to see the put-upon mom, struggling to convince her feckless, ungrateful, smartass family to use their "old" rollover minutes instead of new ones.
This time, the family is holding a yard sale- no doubt necessitated by the refusal of mom's thoughtless choad husband and kids to use old rollover cellphone minutes instead of "new, fresh" ones. A potential customer and her own son notes a bowl full of tiny clocks, which have come to represent the rollover minutes the family doesn't want to use because ewwww they are oooolllld. Naturally, the person who put the bowl of "minutes" up for sale is the asshat oldest son-- they don't belong to him, he obviously doesn't pay his own cellphone bill, but here he is, trying to dump the old minutes so he isn't "forced" to use them instead of fresh, "better" new ones.
The mother notices the bowl of "minutes" and cries out "No! These are not for sale! They are perfectly good minutes!" Dickweed oldest son remarks to the potential customer "mom's a little crazy about her antiques."
As mom explains that the rollover minutes work the same as new ones, and save money, her ungrateful jerkwad son rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Oh for the day when he's free of his mother and her totally lame, old-fashioned, money-saving ways and can blather and text away on "his" phone without worrying that he might be using "old, stale" minutes!
This kid doesn't need to be educated on the value of saving money, or a new, improved monthly cellphone plan. He needs a good kick in the teeth for the way he mocks and disobeys his mother in each one of these commercials. He needs his precious cellphone taken away and chucked into the fricking garbage, to be retrieved only when he's ready to go out, get a job, and pay his own god-damned cellphone bill. And most of all, he needs to be taught some respect.
I am so damned sick of commercials which show kids pitted against parents, and no one does them better (or worse) than AT&T. I hate to think that there are actually parents out there who exhibit the spines of jellyfish like this mom does, raising self-centered little monsters because they are afraid of not being "popular" with their children. I really want to see an SNL or MAD TV skit where the mom flattens her husband with a skillet (for his attitude in the "Milky Minutes" ad-- see January archives) or confiscates the cellphone from her jerkwad son (for his attempt to sell "minutes" at a yard sale.) The sooner the better.
This time, the family is holding a yard sale- no doubt necessitated by the refusal of mom's thoughtless choad husband and kids to use old rollover cellphone minutes instead of "new, fresh" ones. A potential customer and her own son notes a bowl full of tiny clocks, which have come to represent the rollover minutes the family doesn't want to use because ewwww they are oooolllld. Naturally, the person who put the bowl of "minutes" up for sale is the asshat oldest son-- they don't belong to him, he obviously doesn't pay his own cellphone bill, but here he is, trying to dump the old minutes so he isn't "forced" to use them instead of fresh, "better" new ones.
The mother notices the bowl of "minutes" and cries out "No! These are not for sale! They are perfectly good minutes!" Dickweed oldest son remarks to the potential customer "mom's a little crazy about her antiques."
As mom explains that the rollover minutes work the same as new ones, and save money, her ungrateful jerkwad son rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Oh for the day when he's free of his mother and her totally lame, old-fashioned, money-saving ways and can blather and text away on "his" phone without worrying that he might be using "old, stale" minutes!
This kid doesn't need to be educated on the value of saving money, or a new, improved monthly cellphone plan. He needs a good kick in the teeth for the way he mocks and disobeys his mother in each one of these commercials. He needs his precious cellphone taken away and chucked into the fricking garbage, to be retrieved only when he's ready to go out, get a job, and pay his own god-damned cellphone bill. And most of all, he needs to be taught some respect.
I am so damned sick of commercials which show kids pitted against parents, and no one does them better (or worse) than AT&T. I hate to think that there are actually parents out there who exhibit the spines of jellyfish like this mom does, raising self-centered little monsters because they are afraid of not being "popular" with their children. I really want to see an SNL or MAD TV skit where the mom flattens her husband with a skillet (for his attitude in the "Milky Minutes" ad-- see January archives) or confiscates the cellphone from her jerkwad son (for his attempt to sell "minutes" at a yard sale.) The sooner the better.
Another Debt-Reduction Scam, Ripped Straight from Today's Headlines
"Do you carry balances of $10,000, $12,000, even $15,000 or more on your credit cards? This is the perfect time to reduce or even eliminate your debt!"
What makes this the perfect time? "The Credit Card companies have just received $45 billion in bailout money from the government, and they must clear their books, once and for all." Wow, so CapitalOne wants to liquidate it's accounts, which makes it eager to settle my debt for pennies on the dollar, right? Right? And it's all because of "The Obama Bailout program" (yes, the President's name is actually used in the commercial) right? Right?
Um, hardly. This commercial doesn't even make a weak attempt at the truth. These scammers take something in the news that everyone has been hearing about but no one really understands and tries to use it to dupe the listener out of his money, and it's beyond shameful. Bank Of America provides credit to millions of people in the form of credit cards and debt-consolidation loans. Bank Of America is in the process of receiving Bailout money. This cash infusion from the US Government (courtesy of the taxpayers, some of whom are Bank of America customers, of course) does not mean that BOA is closing and wants to liquidate your debt for whatever it can get. There is nothing in the bailout agreement that requires BOA, or any other Credit Card Company, to "clear their books, once and for all"- absolutely NOTHING.
In fact, if the listener would just use his brain for a moment, he'd realize that forgiving debt for pennies on the dollar is the last thing that credit card companies need to do if they want to re-establish solvency. This commercial makes it sound as if BOA, etc. are basically larger relatives of that carpet store down the street which is desperately trying to liquidate it's inventory before it's lease expires. I'd like to be on the line when a customer calls BOA and "offers" to pay off 1/10 of his debt, "take it or leave it."
It's your debt. You took it on. No government program is going to force the credit card companies to forgive it. And all any Credit Card Counseling "service" that tells you otherwise is LYING.
What makes this the perfect time? "The Credit Card companies have just received $45 billion in bailout money from the government, and they must clear their books, once and for all." Wow, so CapitalOne wants to liquidate it's accounts, which makes it eager to settle my debt for pennies on the dollar, right? Right? And it's all because of "The Obama Bailout program" (yes, the President's name is actually used in the commercial) right? Right?
Um, hardly. This commercial doesn't even make a weak attempt at the truth. These scammers take something in the news that everyone has been hearing about but no one really understands and tries to use it to dupe the listener out of his money, and it's beyond shameful. Bank Of America provides credit to millions of people in the form of credit cards and debt-consolidation loans. Bank Of America is in the process of receiving Bailout money. This cash infusion from the US Government (courtesy of the taxpayers, some of whom are Bank of America customers, of course) does not mean that BOA is closing and wants to liquidate your debt for whatever it can get. There is nothing in the bailout agreement that requires BOA, or any other Credit Card Company, to "clear their books, once and for all"- absolutely NOTHING.
In fact, if the listener would just use his brain for a moment, he'd realize that forgiving debt for pennies on the dollar is the last thing that credit card companies need to do if they want to re-establish solvency. This commercial makes it sound as if BOA, etc. are basically larger relatives of that carpet store down the street which is desperately trying to liquidate it's inventory before it's lease expires. I'd like to be on the line when a customer calls BOA and "offers" to pay off 1/10 of his debt, "take it or leave it."
It's your debt. You took it on. No government program is going to force the credit card companies to forgive it. And all any Credit Card Counseling "service" that tells you otherwise is LYING.
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