It's occurred to me that at some point, Geico will stop throwing mascots at us and finally settle on just one. I just don't think that the American Attention Span will sustain multiple spokespersons/digital images/etc. and that someone over at Corporate will put his career on the line and give the axe to one of the Geico mouthpieces. But which will survive?
Let's take a look at the contenders and handicap their chances:
1) The Geico Gecko. This one first appeared in 2000 asking people to please, PLEASE stop calling and asking him about how to get a great deal on auto insurance, because he's a GECKO, and the insurance company we are apparently trying to reach is called GEICO. Later, the digital lizard "interviewed" for the job of Geico spokesman, and the rest is history (well, not really. You know what I mean.) Over the last several years, the Gecko-as-Spokesperson has been carried....well, not very far, actually. Today's Gecko Commercials look a LOT like the ones that were being made eight years ago. We haven't been introduced to other digital animals that are acquainted with the Gecko, we haven't met the Gecko's family....for which we should be eternally grateful.
2) The Geico Cavemen. Grooooaaaan. Look, the first commercial, with a caveman coming out of nowhere to protest the "Even a Caveman can do it" line, was cute. The follow-up with the Geico spokesman taking two angry cavemen out to dinner as an apology was good, too. The Caveman discussing his issues with a Therepist was just plain funny. But Geico, having hit on a decent gag, decided to do what companies generally do to decent ideas- beat it to death, ressurect it, and then beat it to death again. Cavemen arguing over the propriety of working for Geico. Caveman attending dinner parties. Cavemen bowling, walking through airports, getting caught by the Fan of the Game camera at NBA games. Christ, ABC even had the brilliant idea of trying to create a sitcom based on these fricking commercials in the fall of 2007. It lasted about ten minutes. (When you try to make a tv show based on a commercial, you've run out of ideas. Especially when it's based on a commercial puttering along on a joke that's as stale as last year's donuts.)
In short, look for the Geico Cavemen in the dictionary under the word Played. As in, enough already. As in, let it go.
3) The stack of money with googly eyes. This is a triumph of minimalism which puts "Five Dollar Foot-Longs" to shame. People oddly startled by the sight of a stack of bills wrapped in rubber bands and decorated with googly eyes. Except for the fact that the meaning has to be explained in each commercial, and that we have to endure a remix of bland 80s hit Somebody's Watching Me, there's not much to complain about with this one. Simple, and to the point. No "adorable" lizard with Australian accent, no need to come up with story lines involving sensitive cavemen.
My guess is that when it comes time to cut overhead, the Googly-eyed stack of bills survives. After all, the production costs must be close to zero- no actors to demand more money if and when the commercials become more popular, and I doubt that Rockwell is gouging the company for the use of it's 1984 hit. No need for Kelsey Grammer or anyone else to provide voice work. And best of all, it's hard to see a tv network trying to build a sitcom around the adventures of a bundle of cash with eyes.
Memo to networks: that is NOT a dare.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thom Hartmann is Shameless
First, let me make very clear that I like Thom Hartmann's radio show on Air America. Hartmann is an intelligent, thoughtful liberal with a lot to say about the state of our political system, foreign policy, and economy. Generally, I find him to be a very honest, sincere spokesperson for progressive causes.
Here's my problem with Hartmann: Like so many other radio hosts across the political spectrum, he's decided to use his good name to sell a service called "Goldline International." Goldline International is a network of gold brokers who are in the business of convincing people that the American dollar is on it's way out and the only way to protect personal wealth is through the purchase of "rare" gold coins.
And that, by itself, is fine. Radio shows cost money, which means they need advertisement revenue. Hartmann's not the only host to peddle Goldline- Randi Rhodes, Bill Press, and Ed Schultz do it too. And it's not just liberal hosts- I've heard Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham warn their listeners that if they are relying on paper wealth to provide for a stable financial future, they are setting themselves up for disaster when the economy inevitably tanks.
But here's where Hartmann crosses the line-- I'm listening to a rebroadcast of his show on Sunday afternoon. Hartmann is discussing the economy in very general terms, when he "just happens" to mention that economic indicators point to a rise in inflation coming, possibly by the end of the year. "We can see prices already starting to rise, and that explains the spikes in gold prices over the last year." After making a few more points, Hartmann goes to commercial---- and the VERY FIRST COMMERCIAL that comes on is- you guessed it- Tom Hartmann pitching "rare gold coins" from Goldline International "as a hedge against Inflation."
Come on, there's got to be a line here that's been crossed. Hartmann educates his listeners on the issues of Global Warming, the Health Care crisis, etc. His weekly interviews with Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont ("Brunch with Bernie") are not to be missed. But Hartmann cheapens his profession and brings everything he says into question when he uses a general discussion of the economy to provide a subliminal plug for one of his advertisers. Makes me wonder if Goldline is paying extra for this kind of advertising- or Hartmann has a financial stake in the company. Either way, it's dishonest and dirty.
We expect more of you, Mr. Hartmann. A lot more.
Here's my problem with Hartmann: Like so many other radio hosts across the political spectrum, he's decided to use his good name to sell a service called "Goldline International." Goldline International is a network of gold brokers who are in the business of convincing people that the American dollar is on it's way out and the only way to protect personal wealth is through the purchase of "rare" gold coins.
And that, by itself, is fine. Radio shows cost money, which means they need advertisement revenue. Hartmann's not the only host to peddle Goldline- Randi Rhodes, Bill Press, and Ed Schultz do it too. And it's not just liberal hosts- I've heard Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham warn their listeners that if they are relying on paper wealth to provide for a stable financial future, they are setting themselves up for disaster when the economy inevitably tanks.
But here's where Hartmann crosses the line-- I'm listening to a rebroadcast of his show on Sunday afternoon. Hartmann is discussing the economy in very general terms, when he "just happens" to mention that economic indicators point to a rise in inflation coming, possibly by the end of the year. "We can see prices already starting to rise, and that explains the spikes in gold prices over the last year." After making a few more points, Hartmann goes to commercial---- and the VERY FIRST COMMERCIAL that comes on is- you guessed it- Tom Hartmann pitching "rare gold coins" from Goldline International "as a hedge against Inflation."
Come on, there's got to be a line here that's been crossed. Hartmann educates his listeners on the issues of Global Warming, the Health Care crisis, etc. His weekly interviews with Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont ("Brunch with Bernie") are not to be missed. But Hartmann cheapens his profession and brings everything he says into question when he uses a general discussion of the economy to provide a subliminal plug for one of his advertisers. Makes me wonder if Goldline is paying extra for this kind of advertising- or Hartmann has a financial stake in the company. Either way, it's dishonest and dirty.
We expect more of you, Mr. Hartmann. A lot more.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Debt-Free Stimulus- Don't Call until you are both Desperate AND Stupid
"Do you have more than $10,000 in Credit Card Debt? Wouldn't you like to get out from under the stress of the outrageous payments? Well, now you can get the fresh start that you deserve!"
Yay! But wait...I don't have $10,000 in Credit Card Debt-- yet, I consider the payments I'm expected to make on purchases I've made in the past "outrageous," so can this company, "Debt Free Stimulus," help me out?
Turns out that the answer is "no"- "You must have AT LEAST $10,000 in Credit Card debt to qualify."
No problem, I say. I'm heading out to Sears to buy clothes and sneakers and big-screen tvs I don't need and can't afford. That will put me over the minimum needed to qualify for what Debt-Free Stimulus calls a "Bailout" ("The Government is bailing out the banks, now it's your turn!") It sounds so official! I've been hearing about all this bailout stuff, it was only a matter of time before I was offered my own, personal bailout, right? Right?
But wait, there's a caveat- "if you are now working, and can afford to make monthly payments, you may qualify for one of our Debt-Free Stimulus Programs...." Darn it, always a catch!! If I was working, and could afford to make monthly payments, I wouldn't NEED a bailout!! I would just send those monthly payments to my CREDITORS! And I wouldn't jack my debt up to above $10,000 before doing it!
Here's the bottom line with Debt-Free Stimulus: They don't want your business unless you are 1) Desperate, and 2) Have a Bank Account available to be drained. . If you owe, say, $5000 to American Express and just don't WANT to pay the $50 minimum monthly because gosh, that's annoying, Debt-Free Stimulus is not for you. If you don't have a job that allows you to put money into a drainable bank account, you aren't an attractive candidate for Debt-Free Stimulus's "services," either. When the spokesperson says "the fresh start that you deserve," she's not referring to YOU, specifically. And there's the door.
One final complaint- "Debt-Free Stimulus?" "The Government is bailing out the banks, now it's your turn?" I call False Advertising here- sounds for all the world like this is a Government-sponsored program passed by Congress. And there's another program called "Tax Debt Bailout" ("get out from under your tax debt!") just in case "Debt-Free Stimulus" is too complicated for some listeners. I'd bet anything that they are the same company. Scumbags.
Yay! But wait...I don't have $10,000 in Credit Card Debt-- yet, I consider the payments I'm expected to make on purchases I've made in the past "outrageous," so can this company, "Debt Free Stimulus," help me out?
Turns out that the answer is "no"- "You must have AT LEAST $10,000 in Credit Card debt to qualify."
No problem, I say. I'm heading out to Sears to buy clothes and sneakers and big-screen tvs I don't need and can't afford. That will put me over the minimum needed to qualify for what Debt-Free Stimulus calls a "Bailout" ("The Government is bailing out the banks, now it's your turn!") It sounds so official! I've been hearing about all this bailout stuff, it was only a matter of time before I was offered my own, personal bailout, right? Right?
But wait, there's a caveat- "if you are now working, and can afford to make monthly payments, you may qualify for one of our Debt-Free Stimulus Programs...." Darn it, always a catch!! If I was working, and could afford to make monthly payments, I wouldn't NEED a bailout!! I would just send those monthly payments to my CREDITORS! And I wouldn't jack my debt up to above $10,000 before doing it!
Here's the bottom line with Debt-Free Stimulus: They don't want your business unless you are 1) Desperate, and 2) Have a Bank Account available to be drained. . If you owe, say, $5000 to American Express and just don't WANT to pay the $50 minimum monthly because gosh, that's annoying, Debt-Free Stimulus is not for you. If you don't have a job that allows you to put money into a drainable bank account, you aren't an attractive candidate for Debt-Free Stimulus's "services," either. When the spokesperson says "the fresh start that you deserve," she's not referring to YOU, specifically. And there's the door.
One final complaint- "Debt-Free Stimulus?" "The Government is bailing out the banks, now it's your turn?" I call False Advertising here- sounds for all the world like this is a Government-sponsored program passed by Congress. And there's another program called "Tax Debt Bailout" ("get out from under your tax debt!") just in case "Debt-Free Stimulus" is too complicated for some listeners. I'd bet anything that they are the same company. Scumbags.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
When the Cure is worse than the Disease
In a darkened room, a little girl lays on a couch, watching television. Suddenly we are treated to a Poltergeist flashback, as the girl is enveloped by a weird static band of light projected from the television. As if caught in a tractor beam, the little girl is lifted from the couch and gradually pulled toward the television set- joined by her little brother, who before becoming transfixed by the jumping images on the tv seemed to be sitting at a desk engaged in (gasp) some kind of creative activity, and the family dog.
Now all three are caught in their own beams of light, hovering in front of the television, moving closer....and then suddenly the spell is broken by a doughy adult I must take as The Dad, who opens up the door and calls out "hey guys, I got Dunkin Donuts!"
We hear the sound of bodies crashing to the floor, then kids rushing into the kitchen as Dad- joined by Mom, opens up the box of donuts- twelve of them, no two alike. Dad's also brought two huge cups of coffee, I assume just for himself and Mom, because of course coffee is for adults only. Greasy rings of fried dough slathered in icing is fine for children, but caffeine? Not 'till you are at least sixteen, kids.
A few notes- the tv room is very dark, but when the scene shifts to the kitchen, we can see it's daytime, with bright sunlight pouring in. So these kids were spending a beautiful, sunny day sitting in a dark room until dad came in with the Cholesterol Delivery Systems. And what's with the twelve different donuts? Are there eight other people yet to arrive for the blood-sugar spiking, death-hastening snack? Do the people in this family prefer one type of donut for the afternoon break, and another type for their before-bedtime snack? Or did Dad go to Dunkin Donuts without Clue One as to what type of donuts his family prefers, and so decided to go with a random assortment?
Finally- it's nice that Dad got the kids away from the darkened room and the Evil TV. It's kind of depressing that he did it with a bribe of donuts. Maybe the television was turning their brains to mush, but is a five-minute, 500-calorie break the best Mom and Dad could come up with? Once the last empty calorie has been consumed, aren't these kids going to go right back into hibernation in front of the television?
Here's an idea for next time- go into that room and turn the damn idiot box off. Take your kids to the park. You can drink your coffee as you walk. Your kids will get some sun and some exercise, and they won't grow up equating fun with shoving balls of greasy frosting down their cake holes. Just a thought.
Now all three are caught in their own beams of light, hovering in front of the television, moving closer....and then suddenly the spell is broken by a doughy adult I must take as The Dad, who opens up the door and calls out "hey guys, I got Dunkin Donuts!"
We hear the sound of bodies crashing to the floor, then kids rushing into the kitchen as Dad- joined by Mom, opens up the box of donuts- twelve of them, no two alike. Dad's also brought two huge cups of coffee, I assume just for himself and Mom, because of course coffee is for adults only. Greasy rings of fried dough slathered in icing is fine for children, but caffeine? Not 'till you are at least sixteen, kids.
A few notes- the tv room is very dark, but when the scene shifts to the kitchen, we can see it's daytime, with bright sunlight pouring in. So these kids were spending a beautiful, sunny day sitting in a dark room until dad came in with the Cholesterol Delivery Systems. And what's with the twelve different donuts? Are there eight other people yet to arrive for the blood-sugar spiking, death-hastening snack? Do the people in this family prefer one type of donut for the afternoon break, and another type for their before-bedtime snack? Or did Dad go to Dunkin Donuts without Clue One as to what type of donuts his family prefers, and so decided to go with a random assortment?
Finally- it's nice that Dad got the kids away from the darkened room and the Evil TV. It's kind of depressing that he did it with a bribe of donuts. Maybe the television was turning their brains to mush, but is a five-minute, 500-calorie break the best Mom and Dad could come up with? Once the last empty calorie has been consumed, aren't these kids going to go right back into hibernation in front of the television?
Here's an idea for next time- go into that room and turn the damn idiot box off. Take your kids to the park. You can drink your coffee as you walk. Your kids will get some sun and some exercise, and they won't grow up equating fun with shoving balls of greasy frosting down their cake holes. Just a thought.
Burger King Commercial Strains the limits of Suspended Disbelief
Guy is sitting on his living room couch with a hot girl when suddenly the Burger King mascot beams in with two flunkies. The two newcomers appear to be disguised as some kind of space aliens- and any mystery as to who they are supposed to be is quickly revealed by the guy, who gasps "Klingons!"
Burger King mascot takes the guy's Special Edition Burger King/Star Trek Collectors glasses. Guy responds, "oh great, why don't you just take my girlfriend?" Hot girl displays stunned, disgusted look- and is quickly beamed away along with Burger King mascot and "klingon" flunkies.
Distraught guy looks at his dog and snarks "thanks a lot, Tiberius."
So what's not to believe? That this guy is a Star Trek fan? No. That this guy eats at Burger King often enough to collect all of the available Star Trek Collection glasses? No, I'll buy that, too. That this guy is such a big Star Trek fan that he named his dog "Tiberius?" No- I'll even concede that.
But don't tell me that a guy who treasures his Burger King/Star Trek Collection glasses and is such a big Star Trek fan that he named his dog after Captain Kirk and doesn't blink an eye when "Klingons" beam into his living room has a hot girlfriend. Or any girlfriend at all.
I mean, come on. There's only so much fantasy that you can fit into a 30-second spot.
Burger King mascot takes the guy's Special Edition Burger King/Star Trek Collectors glasses. Guy responds, "oh great, why don't you just take my girlfriend?" Hot girl displays stunned, disgusted look- and is quickly beamed away along with Burger King mascot and "klingon" flunkies.
Distraught guy looks at his dog and snarks "thanks a lot, Tiberius."
So what's not to believe? That this guy is a Star Trek fan? No. That this guy eats at Burger King often enough to collect all of the available Star Trek Collection glasses? No, I'll buy that, too. That this guy is such a big Star Trek fan that he named his dog "Tiberius?" No- I'll even concede that.
But don't tell me that a guy who treasures his Burger King/Star Trek Collection glasses and is such a big Star Trek fan that he named his dog after Captain Kirk and doesn't blink an eye when "Klingons" beam into his living room has a hot girlfriend. Or any girlfriend at all.
I mean, come on. There's only so much fantasy that you can fit into a 30-second spot.
Your Car is Gay, and so are You
Here's that black Volkswagon beetle again, speaking in a faux-German accent worthy of Bernie Koppel in Get Smart, pitching the benefits of the Jetta to us unlucky viewers. This time, it's sitting in the driveway of a typical suburban home, casually discussing how great the Jetta is with some fat slob who is innocently washing his Prius, not aware that he's about to get a smackdown from a car with no heater, no seatbelts and a lawnmower engine.
The Volkswagen tells Unfortunate Fat Suburban Slob that the Jetta is just the most awesomely popular car in the United States. Fat Slob, who for some reason feels he needs to explain himself to a car that hasn't been built in the US for more than thirty years, replies "well, this is a Hybrid."
"Ahhh..." responds the black Volkswagen. "But the Jetta is rated at 58 miles per gallon."
Idiot fat dope coughs up water he's been drinking out of the hose. "Fifty-eight?"
The smartass Volkswagon continues "and when you step on the gas, you hear RRRRRRRR..."
Fat moron chimes in "RRRRRRRRRR!!!"
Volkswagon, having set up Fat Suburban Moron, adds "what sound does YOUR car make?"
Guy freezes. Oh man, he's been owned! Because his car is QUIET and it doesn't make man-noises when you push the gas pedal down! It doesn't tell the neighbors that you are home! It doesn't give you that sexual thrill that "RRRRRRR" does! It's as Unmanly as having a "Man-Step" or a Heated Steering Wheel!
And he doesn't just freeze- he lets out this sick wheezing sound like he realizes for the first time how he looks washing his Japanese Hybrid "Car," which not only doesn't use much gas, but it doesn't make noise either!! It's BARELY even an AUTOMOBILE!! Quick, get that Liberalmobile to your local Volkswagon dealer and beg him to take it off your hands in exchange for a Jetta!
Then, apologize to your neighbors for having once owned a quiet, environmentally-friendly automobile. And be sure to rev your engine while doing it.
The Volkswagen tells Unfortunate Fat Suburban Slob that the Jetta is just the most awesomely popular car in the United States. Fat Slob, who for some reason feels he needs to explain himself to a car that hasn't been built in the US for more than thirty years, replies "well, this is a Hybrid."
"Ahhh..." responds the black Volkswagen. "But the Jetta is rated at 58 miles per gallon."
Idiot fat dope coughs up water he's been drinking out of the hose. "Fifty-eight?"
The smartass Volkswagon continues "and when you step on the gas, you hear RRRRRRRR..."
Fat moron chimes in "RRRRRRRRRR!!!"
Volkswagon, having set up Fat Suburban Moron, adds "what sound does YOUR car make?"
Guy freezes. Oh man, he's been owned! Because his car is QUIET and it doesn't make man-noises when you push the gas pedal down! It doesn't tell the neighbors that you are home! It doesn't give you that sexual thrill that "RRRRRRR" does! It's as Unmanly as having a "Man-Step" or a Heated Steering Wheel!
And he doesn't just freeze- he lets out this sick wheezing sound like he realizes for the first time how he looks washing his Japanese Hybrid "Car," which not only doesn't use much gas, but it doesn't make noise either!! It's BARELY even an AUTOMOBILE!! Quick, get that Liberalmobile to your local Volkswagon dealer and beg him to take it off your hands in exchange for a Jetta!
Then, apologize to your neighbors for having once owned a quiet, environmentally-friendly automobile. And be sure to rev your engine while doing it.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
OnStar: First the Soft Sell, then the Hard Sell
OnStar Commercial #1: (on television) Picnicking family makes a mad dash to the SUV as the rain comes pelting down. Wet, smiling mother presses the OnStar button and says "we're going to need directions to the nearest movie theatre."
OnStar Commercial #2: (on the radio) Onstar operator intones "our alert system has gone off, indicating that you have been in a crash. Stay still, we are sending an ambulance." Heavy breathing can be heard in the background.
OnStar Commercial # 3: (on television) Jeff Gordon of NASCAR fame casually taps his OnStar button and declares "I'll be needing turn by turn directions to the nearest car wash." Operator is more than happy to assist Mr. Gordon with this trivial matter (because really, what are the odds that someone recently impaled by his own steering wheel is trying to get an operator on the line?
OnStar Commercial #4: (on radio) we hear crying, and a frantic-sounding woman pleading for help because "I think my husband has had a heart attack, we hit a tree and there's (sob) blood (sob) everywhere...."
Cripes. So happy images showing OnStar's convenience when it's a TV commercial, with the frightening sounds of impending death and the unmistakeable message that you will probably die without OnStar reserved for radio. I think I've got it.
Except, I'd like to know exactly how many OnStar operators are working at any one time-- if some idiot is calling to ask where the nearest movie theatre is, isn't he taking up the time of an operator who could be helping someone who just drove into a flooded ravine? If Mr. Gordon is getting directions to the fricking CAR WASH, is someone trying to free what's left of his right arm from what used to be his steering wheel on hold? I mean, I simply can't buy the idea that a real human being is just waiting to spring to action the moment that button is pushed, every second of every day.
I'd also like to admit right here that the job of Operator at OnStar is simply not for me- I wouldn't have the patience to deal with self-absorbed choads who really think it's ok to use OnStar's service to find car washes and movie theatres. I'd probably end up asking if they need their diapers changed while I'm at it.
Oh, and just heard today, OnStar Commercial # 5: No horrible accident, no dipshit casually calling for directions to the nearest potty, just an announcer admonishing us for thinking that our cell phones are an adequate substititute for the OnStar service: "How do you know your cell phone will even work after an accident?: (Well, it's not actually attached to my car, like OnStar would be, so it seems like a pretty good bet...) "What if your phone is thrown clear? What if you can't reach it?" Message: You are as good as DEAD if you are in an accident and don't have OnStar. Your pathetic cell phone (which, judging from what I see from drivers on a regular basis, was probably in use at the time of the accident) won't save you. Only that life-saving Blue Button above the console stands between you and eternal rest.
Besides, what if you need to find the nearest 7-11? You got an APP for that?
OnStar Commercial #2: (on the radio) Onstar operator intones "our alert system has gone off, indicating that you have been in a crash. Stay still, we are sending an ambulance." Heavy breathing can be heard in the background.
OnStar Commercial # 3: (on television) Jeff Gordon of NASCAR fame casually taps his OnStar button and declares "I'll be needing turn by turn directions to the nearest car wash." Operator is more than happy to assist Mr. Gordon with this trivial matter (because really, what are the odds that someone recently impaled by his own steering wheel is trying to get an operator on the line?
OnStar Commercial #4: (on radio) we hear crying, and a frantic-sounding woman pleading for help because "I think my husband has had a heart attack, we hit a tree and there's (sob) blood (sob) everywhere...."
Cripes. So happy images showing OnStar's convenience when it's a TV commercial, with the frightening sounds of impending death and the unmistakeable message that you will probably die without OnStar reserved for radio. I think I've got it.
Except, I'd like to know exactly how many OnStar operators are working at any one time-- if some idiot is calling to ask where the nearest movie theatre is, isn't he taking up the time of an operator who could be helping someone who just drove into a flooded ravine? If Mr. Gordon is getting directions to the fricking CAR WASH, is someone trying to free what's left of his right arm from what used to be his steering wheel on hold? I mean, I simply can't buy the idea that a real human being is just waiting to spring to action the moment that button is pushed, every second of every day.
I'd also like to admit right here that the job of Operator at OnStar is simply not for me- I wouldn't have the patience to deal with self-absorbed choads who really think it's ok to use OnStar's service to find car washes and movie theatres. I'd probably end up asking if they need their diapers changed while I'm at it.
Oh, and just heard today, OnStar Commercial # 5: No horrible accident, no dipshit casually calling for directions to the nearest potty, just an announcer admonishing us for thinking that our cell phones are an adequate substititute for the OnStar service: "How do you know your cell phone will even work after an accident?: (Well, it's not actually attached to my car, like OnStar would be, so it seems like a pretty good bet...) "What if your phone is thrown clear? What if you can't reach it?" Message: You are as good as DEAD if you are in an accident and don't have OnStar. Your pathetic cell phone (which, judging from what I see from drivers on a regular basis, was probably in use at the time of the accident) won't save you. Only that life-saving Blue Button above the console stands between you and eternal rest.
Besides, what if you need to find the nearest 7-11? You got an APP for that?
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