This is one of those commercials that I ONLY see broadcast during baseball games: It's for a product called "Chaser," which promises to minimize the hangover you'll get if you continue your fun-loving, Drink-Way-Too-Much lifestyle- which of course you want to do, because drinking too much is what life is all about.
Anyway, the narrator of this commercial tells us that we "have a choice- stop drinking, or take Chaser." No, I'm not kidding. "Stop Drinking" (photo of snarling Buzzkill grandma-type) or "take Chaser" (photo of smiling young couple.) "Stop Drinking" (photo of sad-looking teetotaller with a milk mustache) or "take Chaser" (photo of two gleaming, enormous mugs of beer.)
The punchline, coming almost as an aside: "Drink Responsibly."
Um, excuse me? You spend an entire commercial telling people that they no longer have to limit their alcohol consumption for fear of a headache the next morning, then think that "Drink Responsibly" is an adequate disclaimer?
How about "here's what Chaser WON'T do: It won't reduce the impact of alcohol on your ability to operate heavy machinery. It won't reduce the impact of alcohol on your judgement- meaning that you are as likely to get into a car driven by a drunk or have unprotected sex with the cute girl you just met whether you take this stuff or not. But if you survive the night, when you wake up the next day, whether it's in a hospital room, a rape crisis center, a trash-filled alley, or your own bed, you won't be as groggy and headachy as you sometimes are when you overdrink without taking Chaser."
"So if you think, as we do, that the worse thing about heavy drinking is the hangover, take Chaser. If you're sick of stopping after a couple of beers, and want to drink all night without that annoying Morning-After pain, take Chaser."
Real Responsible. And to think, some chemists devoted perhaps months of research to producing this stuff. I bet some of them even dreamed of curing cancer once.
Friday, July 3, 2009
So who ARE you back on the bike for, Lance?
Lance Armstrong, shown doing a variety of staged exercises with staged shots of Armstrong riding his bike- "They call me a cheat. They say I can't let it go. They call me washed up. A doper. Over The Hill. A Fraud. All that matters to me is, I'm back on my bike."
And the punchline: "Because I'm not doing this-- for THEM."
1) Get the hell over yourself, Mr Armstrong. Believe it or not, the Sport That Requires Dorky Pants is not at the forefront of our minds as we approach the July 4th holiday. Nor is the Tour de France, that ridiculously melodramatic bike race which is interrupted at one stage by a plane ride. Believe it or not, you really haven't been missed all that much since your tortured, controversial, rumor-scarred "retirement."
2) Who is the "they" who is saying all these horrible things about you? Because again, what I've heard most is Silence. As in, "why am I supposed to give a shit about Lance Armstrong, that guy who used to pop into the public consciousness for a few weeks every summer because he was in the process of winning a bike race?"
3) Armstrong tells us that all these criticisms that only he seems to hear while the rest of us less self-absorbed Non-Lances are kind of busy with our own lives (Jesus, how about you stop bitching for a minute, and then use that minute to thank us for all those 'Live Strong' rubber bands we bought?) aren't the reason he's racing again. He's not doing it "for Them." So who IS he doing it for? Ah yes- we see the Nike Swoosh and "Just Do It."
He's doing it for the money. Because damn it, the thing about sponsorship money is, it tends to dry up when you stop performing.
For the love of God, get off your freaking high-horse, you self-absorbed, doping fraud. You'd be amazed at how many people will be rooting against you not because they think that you are a cheat, but because they are sick to death of your constant self-promotion, which has now extended to creating a "me against the world" theme out of thin air for the benefit of your bottom line, and Nike's.
Good luck in the Tour de France. Break a leg.
And the punchline: "Because I'm not doing this-- for THEM."
1) Get the hell over yourself, Mr Armstrong. Believe it or not, the Sport That Requires Dorky Pants is not at the forefront of our minds as we approach the July 4th holiday. Nor is the Tour de France, that ridiculously melodramatic bike race which is interrupted at one stage by a plane ride. Believe it or not, you really haven't been missed all that much since your tortured, controversial, rumor-scarred "retirement."
2) Who is the "they" who is saying all these horrible things about you? Because again, what I've heard most is Silence. As in, "why am I supposed to give a shit about Lance Armstrong, that guy who used to pop into the public consciousness for a few weeks every summer because he was in the process of winning a bike race?"
3) Armstrong tells us that all these criticisms that only he seems to hear while the rest of us less self-absorbed Non-Lances are kind of busy with our own lives (Jesus, how about you stop bitching for a minute, and then use that minute to thank us for all those 'Live Strong' rubber bands we bought?) aren't the reason he's racing again. He's not doing it "for Them." So who IS he doing it for? Ah yes- we see the Nike Swoosh and "Just Do It."
He's doing it for the money. Because damn it, the thing about sponsorship money is, it tends to dry up when you stop performing.
For the love of God, get off your freaking high-horse, you self-absorbed, doping fraud. You'd be amazed at how many people will be rooting against you not because they think that you are a cheat, but because they are sick to death of your constant self-promotion, which has now extended to creating a "me against the world" theme out of thin air for the benefit of your bottom line, and Nike's.
Good luck in the Tour de France. Break a leg.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
How Did We Ever Survive before McDonalds?
Woman opens up her refrigerator, only to have a couple of eggs fall to the floor at her feet. She looks mournfully at the mess.
Guy opens up a bottle of milk and sniffs it. From the expression on his face, we can surmise that the milk was purchased sometime during the Bush Administration.
Woman attempts to flip a pancake (why? Because she saw it done in a movie once?) It falls on the burner and catches fire. She looks mournfully at the mess.
"You only get one shot at breakfast...." according to the narrator. Except that two of the three people shown didn't even get that one shot. So starvation is inevitable. But wait- McDonald's is offering two Egg McMuffins for only three dollars! Thank Goodness! Not only do you not have to risk burning down your house to avoid morning hunger, but you can get an overdose of grease, fat and salt without doing much damage to your wallet! Yay McDonalds!
Seriously, though. We aren't capable of 1) putting eggs in the refrigerator so they dont' fall on the floor when you open it, 2) buying milk on more than a bi-annual schedule, or 3) using a spatula. So we need everyone's favorite Obesity Factory and it's Menu of Death.
Well, no thank you, McDonalds. I think I'll continue to risk my life pouring milk into the bowl with my Cheerios. Maybe I'll mess it up on ocassion, but wiping up a spill is still easier than recovering from a stroke.
Guy opens up a bottle of milk and sniffs it. From the expression on his face, we can surmise that the milk was purchased sometime during the Bush Administration.
Woman attempts to flip a pancake (why? Because she saw it done in a movie once?) It falls on the burner and catches fire. She looks mournfully at the mess.
"You only get one shot at breakfast...." according to the narrator. Except that two of the three people shown didn't even get that one shot. So starvation is inevitable. But wait- McDonald's is offering two Egg McMuffins for only three dollars! Thank Goodness! Not only do you not have to risk burning down your house to avoid morning hunger, but you can get an overdose of grease, fat and salt without doing much damage to your wallet! Yay McDonalds!
Seriously, though. We aren't capable of 1) putting eggs in the refrigerator so they dont' fall on the floor when you open it, 2) buying milk on more than a bi-annual schedule, or 3) using a spatula. So we need everyone's favorite Obesity Factory and it's Menu of Death.
Well, no thank you, McDonalds. I think I'll continue to risk my life pouring milk into the bowl with my Cheerios. Maybe I'll mess it up on ocassion, but wiping up a spill is still easier than recovering from a stroke.
Um...are you going to actually eat that thing?
I've been looking forward to an opportunity to comment on one of my pet peeves concerning food commercials- the "food is to be carried and/or admired, not eaten" motif. This is different from the "Infinite Food" motif which dominates commercials for KFC (the bucket on the kitchen table is overflowing with chicken, even after everyone's plate is full) and McDonalds (no matter how many sips of the not-milkshake are taken, no matter how many french fries are consumed, the containers stay at the same level.) No, this is the Contemplation of Cold Food phenomena that I find really, really annoying and I'm likely to post about on more than one ocassion.
I'll start today with a quick comment on Dunkin Donuts and their commercial for their 99 cent Wake-Up Wrap. A woman is standing in an elevator, holding one of these things in her hand, sans napkin. In her other hand she holds the inevitable half-gallon cup of iced coffee, no doubt liberally doused with heavy cream (I'm convinced that there's a gentleman's agreement among fast-food places to banish any mention or display of hot coffee in commercials aired between Memorial Day and Labor Day.) A guy standing next to her says "hey, that looks good."
Woman: "It's a Dunkin Donuts Wake-Up Wrap. I got it for only 99 cents" (I'll snark in the future on the concept of tax-free fast food in the alternate Commercial Universe.) Then- "no breakfast for you?"
(Does anyone eat breakfast at home any more? Wouldn't any REASONABLE person just ASSUME that the guy in the elevator who ISNT carrying food with him ate at home?)
I'm not going to comment on the whole "belt-tightening" thing. Way too easy, and too stupid. I'll stick to my original thought and bring it to a logical conclusion by asking a few simple questions:
1. Where is the Dunkin Donuts in relation to the elevator? (How long as this woman been holding that Wake-Up Wrap? Isn't it cold by now?)
2. Why no napkin between her Wake-Up Wrap and her hand?
3. When the hell does this woman plan on actually EATING this thing? When she gets to her office? As a mid-morning snack? Is she going to eat it before she puts it down? If not, what does she plan to put it down ON?
I could ask this question of a lot of commercial-land people: the woman sitting in the middle of a field, contemplating her milkshake (because there's a McDonald's right behind the barn, I guess.) The idiots who don't understand that the drive-thru at Sonic exists to get them their food fast, not to give them a place to contemplate the mysteries of life and how they relate to their cheeseburgers. But for now, I'd settle for an answer from the woman who seems content to just carry around her Wake-Up Wrap until it's ice-cold- and sneer at the concept that some people might actually enjoy eating HOT food, at HOME.
I'll start today with a quick comment on Dunkin Donuts and their commercial for their 99 cent Wake-Up Wrap. A woman is standing in an elevator, holding one of these things in her hand, sans napkin. In her other hand she holds the inevitable half-gallon cup of iced coffee, no doubt liberally doused with heavy cream (I'm convinced that there's a gentleman's agreement among fast-food places to banish any mention or display of hot coffee in commercials aired between Memorial Day and Labor Day.) A guy standing next to her says "hey, that looks good."
Woman: "It's a Dunkin Donuts Wake-Up Wrap. I got it for only 99 cents" (I'll snark in the future on the concept of tax-free fast food in the alternate Commercial Universe.) Then- "no breakfast for you?"
(Does anyone eat breakfast at home any more? Wouldn't any REASONABLE person just ASSUME that the guy in the elevator who ISNT carrying food with him ate at home?)
I'm not going to comment on the whole "belt-tightening" thing. Way too easy, and too stupid. I'll stick to my original thought and bring it to a logical conclusion by asking a few simple questions:
1. Where is the Dunkin Donuts in relation to the elevator? (How long as this woman been holding that Wake-Up Wrap? Isn't it cold by now?)
2. Why no napkin between her Wake-Up Wrap and her hand?
3. When the hell does this woman plan on actually EATING this thing? When she gets to her office? As a mid-morning snack? Is she going to eat it before she puts it down? If not, what does she plan to put it down ON?
I could ask this question of a lot of commercial-land people: the woman sitting in the middle of a field, contemplating her milkshake (because there's a McDonald's right behind the barn, I guess.) The idiots who don't understand that the drive-thru at Sonic exists to get them their food fast, not to give them a place to contemplate the mysteries of life and how they relate to their cheeseburgers. But for now, I'd settle for an answer from the woman who seems content to just carry around her Wake-Up Wrap until it's ice-cold- and sneer at the concept that some people might actually enjoy eating HOT food, at HOME.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
More Idiocy from our friends at Smirnoff
Here's another chapter of what I guess is a series of commercials entitled "What Morons Will Do When They Drink Enough of Our Product." In the first installment, we saw a crowd of clueless knotheads fill buckets of ice and bottles of Smirnoff Vodka, carry them up a hill, throw sheets of plastic on the ground and, when the sprinklers come on, hurl their bodies down the wet plastic, risking severe neck and back injuries in the process. "Be There" is the tag line.
In this second installment, the survivors of Commercial # 1 gather at what looks to be an abandoned gas station with about a hundred buckets of purple paint. They proceed to throw the paint everywhere- on the walls, roof, and even windows of the abandoned building.
As the sun goes down on the county's newest toxic waste dump, the crowd gathers inside the building and dons headlamps. A disco ball is suspended from the ceiling. Music blares, and everyone starts jumping around, and it's oh-so-freaking-cool to see the bobbing lights, especially when you are consuming bottles of vodka.
Here's the punchline- you hear a girl's voice exclaim "I can't believe I was there!" Hey, me neither, lady. I can't believe your life is so pathetically empty and shallow that you consider it some kind of SuperAmazing experience to have spent a day dumping paint everywhere in order to create a pitch-black room, and then spent the night jumping around in said room. Yep, that's something you'll want to tell your kids about, I'll bet.
Quite a summer these people are having. First, they get drunk and slide down a hill all night. Then, they get drunk and trash an abandoned gas station. I just can't WAIT to see what this group of go-getters does the NEXT time they get bored. I think, however, we can eliminate a few possibilities right away:
1. Volunteering at a soup kitchen
2. Taking mom and dad out to dinner
3. Going to a museum or library
4. Attending an AA meeting
The good people at Smirnoff are sure providing a public service, aren't they? Please, keep providing us Great Ideas on How to Stave off Boredom While Getting Shitfaced on Smirnoffs this summer. And providing me with great material for my blog. Next to McDonalds, you guys are my greatest assets.
In this second installment, the survivors of Commercial # 1 gather at what looks to be an abandoned gas station with about a hundred buckets of purple paint. They proceed to throw the paint everywhere- on the walls, roof, and even windows of the abandoned building.
As the sun goes down on the county's newest toxic waste dump, the crowd gathers inside the building and dons headlamps. A disco ball is suspended from the ceiling. Music blares, and everyone starts jumping around, and it's oh-so-freaking-cool to see the bobbing lights, especially when you are consuming bottles of vodka.
Here's the punchline- you hear a girl's voice exclaim "I can't believe I was there!" Hey, me neither, lady. I can't believe your life is so pathetically empty and shallow that you consider it some kind of SuperAmazing experience to have spent a day dumping paint everywhere in order to create a pitch-black room, and then spent the night jumping around in said room. Yep, that's something you'll want to tell your kids about, I'll bet.
Quite a summer these people are having. First, they get drunk and slide down a hill all night. Then, they get drunk and trash an abandoned gas station. I just can't WAIT to see what this group of go-getters does the NEXT time they get bored. I think, however, we can eliminate a few possibilities right away:
1. Volunteering at a soup kitchen
2. Taking mom and dad out to dinner
3. Going to a museum or library
4. Attending an AA meeting
The good people at Smirnoff are sure providing a public service, aren't they? Please, keep providing us Great Ideas on How to Stave off Boredom While Getting Shitfaced on Smirnoffs this summer. And providing me with great material for my blog. Next to McDonalds, you guys are my greatest assets.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Your One-A-Day Dose of Sexism
The commercial is for yet another "Specialized" One-A-Day Vitamin, (remember when there used to be ONE? Now there's One-A-Day for Men, One-A-Day for Women, One-A-Day for Seniors....) this one for the daily multivitamin needs of teens:
"One-A-Day Teen Formula has specially blended formulas to fit the special needs of both teen girls and teen boys: For girls, there's a formula to support healthy skin. For boys, there's a formula for healthy muscle growth...."
Um, excuse me? Teenaged girls don't care about healthy muscle growth? Teenaged boys don't care about healthy skin (then what's with all the Stridex commercials I've been seeing for years)?
Apparently not- I guess that when boys shop for a multivitamin, they think "which one will help me get stronger muscles to help support my growing body and skeletal structure?" and when girls shop for a multivitamin they think "which one will keep me looking hot, so I can attract boys?"
A few years ago, I saw an ad for the Sunday Washington Post, which included the line "there's something for everyone in the family." The "wife" in the ad said "I love the Style and Shopping sections," and the "husband" in the ad said "and I love the Front Page and Sports!"
Ugh, come on. Sexism in ads was bad then, and it's bad now. Teenagers of both sexes want healthy skin and strong muscles. There's nothing uniquely "male" about wanting healthy muscles, and there's nothing uniquely "female" about wanting clear, vibrant skin. The good people at One-A-Day ought to give this kind of stereotyping a swift kick into the ashbin of history. It won't be missed.
"One-A-Day Teen Formula has specially blended formulas to fit the special needs of both teen girls and teen boys: For girls, there's a formula to support healthy skin. For boys, there's a formula for healthy muscle growth...."
Um, excuse me? Teenaged girls don't care about healthy muscle growth? Teenaged boys don't care about healthy skin (then what's with all the Stridex commercials I've been seeing for years)?
Apparently not- I guess that when boys shop for a multivitamin, they think "which one will help me get stronger muscles to help support my growing body and skeletal structure?" and when girls shop for a multivitamin they think "which one will keep me looking hot, so I can attract boys?"
A few years ago, I saw an ad for the Sunday Washington Post, which included the line "there's something for everyone in the family." The "wife" in the ad said "I love the Style and Shopping sections," and the "husband" in the ad said "and I love the Front Page and Sports!"
Ugh, come on. Sexism in ads was bad then, and it's bad now. Teenagers of both sexes want healthy skin and strong muscles. There's nothing uniquely "male" about wanting healthy muscles, and there's nothing uniquely "female" about wanting clear, vibrant skin. The good people at One-A-Day ought to give this kind of stereotyping a swift kick into the ashbin of history. It won't be missed.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Moronic, Pointless, "We Are Out Of Ideas" Crap from McDonalds
Two people are sitting at a McDonalds, eating "snack wraps." For roughly thirty seconds, we get a series of grunts that I suppose are supposed to be alternating signals of assent ("MM-Hmm") and expressions of satisfaction with Said snack wraps ("Mmmm...") I don't know if this is meant to be informative, or interesting. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to stimulate the viewer to rush out and buy snack wraps, and then, instead of just eating the fricking things, try to carry on some level of conversation with other people shoveling fast-food grease down their cake holes.
Seriously, McDonalds. Thirty seconds of "MMM..." and "MM-hmms?" Thirty seconds of people acting like total choads? Thirty seconds of people grunting and mumbling as they eat a piece of food designed to be consumed in roughly that same thirty seconds? Because you think the general public is populated with idiots who:
1. Must let everyone around them know how much they are enjoying each and every damn bite?
2. Must try to continue to talk to people but must also continue to eat while doing it?
What happened to you guys? Is this the same company that gave us a series of iconic commercials in the sixties and seventies? The same company that invented an entire cast of characters- Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Hamburglar- that a generation of Americans grew up with ? And now you give us "I've got serious hunger pains," people sticking their fingers into Not-Milkshakes, and grunting morons who nod at eachother for half a minute?
They don't make Ad Agencies like they used to, I guess. Another sad non-effort by McDonalds, which is getting more pathetic in it's sales pitches by the day.
Seriously, McDonalds. Thirty seconds of "MMM..." and "MM-hmms?" Thirty seconds of people acting like total choads? Thirty seconds of people grunting and mumbling as they eat a piece of food designed to be consumed in roughly that same thirty seconds? Because you think the general public is populated with idiots who:
1. Must let everyone around them know how much they are enjoying each and every damn bite?
2. Must try to continue to talk to people but must also continue to eat while doing it?
What happened to you guys? Is this the same company that gave us a series of iconic commercials in the sixties and seventies? The same company that invented an entire cast of characters- Mayor McCheese, Grimace, the Hamburglar- that a generation of Americans grew up with ? And now you give us "I've got serious hunger pains," people sticking their fingers into Not-Milkshakes, and grunting morons who nod at eachother for half a minute?
They don't make Ad Agencies like they used to, I guess. Another sad non-effort by McDonalds, which is getting more pathetic in it's sales pitches by the day.
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