Wow, I feel so Honored!

There are several different radio commercials out there selling products which sound the same and promise to do exactly the same thing- Hydrolyze, Hydroclean, Hydroxodine--- and all their commercials are just awful. One script for Hydroxodine was recently purchased by Rosetta Stone, with the words (a "conversation" between a skeptical caller and a "helpful" operator) tweaked only slightly to sell a language program instead of facial cream. But a recent commercial for one product, Hydrolyze, especially irritates me because it seems to be offering some exclusive deal to only certain types of people, when in fact it's just offering the same chance to purchase their product to everyone willing to call their toll-free number.

The announcer tells us that "if you have bags under your eyes, or dark circles from blood pooling under the skin, you're eligible to participate in a free trial of Hydrolyze!" Hey, I've got bags under my eyes, and ocassional dark circles- so I'm eligible! Yay! And just in case I'm not sure, the word "participate" is used no less than FIVE TIMES during the commercial. Sounds like some kind of university study looking for volunteers to test their product for FREE, right? In fact, participants in this kind of study are usually PAID to try it. Count me in!

Oh, but wait: How, in fact, does one go about "participating" in this "free trial?" Turns out that if you call their 800 number, the Operator will take down your credit card number and your address, and you'll receive a starter kit for Hydrolyze for free- you just pay shipping and handling. And if after thirty days you aren't satisfied with the results, you can just send it back at your expense. If you don't send it back, you'll get MORE Hydrolyze in the mail- conveniently charged to your credit card, of course. And just in case you were wondering- at no point are you asked by anyone to prove that you have bags under your eyes or dark circles- in other words, your "eligibility" is never confirmed. Just your credit card number.

So--- what exactly are we participating in, again? The purchasing and usage of Hydrolyze, that's what. Wow, don't we feel special. Did you know that the last time you went to Burger King, you were "participating" in an "opportunity" to purchase junk food? Of course, that "opportunity" is contingent on your level of hunger and ability to pay- dark circles are not necessary.

More deceptive advertising- where would Satellite Radio be without it?

Michael Jordan, Stalkers, and Underwear

Hanes Briefs Commercial # 1: Cuba Gooding Jr. receives a gift of underwear from Michael Jordan, complete with a card which reads "hope you enjoy the underwear" (or something like that.)

Quick aside: Why is Michael Jordan giving Cuba Gooding Jr. underwear? I mean, I know that Gooding's acting career hasn't exactly panned out like he planned ( remember Jerry Maguire? Of course you do. Remember Radio? Of course you don't. How about Shadowboxer? The Fighting Temptations? Didn't think so.) But according to IMDB, he's appearing in a lot of films, so he's drawing a paycheck. So what's the deal?

Hanes Briefs Commercial # 2: Charlie Sheen really, really, REALLY wants to thank Michael Jordan for turning him on to the comfort and style of Hanes. All Jordan wants to do is to put his golf clubs in the back of his convertible and continue with his gold-plated retirement. Sheen says that they should get together, do lunch sometime. Jordan is non-commital. Sheen is so anxious to hook up with Jordan in the near future that he tosses his cell phone into the back of Jordan's car as the former NBA star drives off.

Charlie Sheen has something in common with Cuba Gooding Jr.- he's not a successful movie star. Back in the eighties he played the leading role in a few mildly successful flicks- mostly light comedies in the by-now-beaten-to-death spoof genre, but his film career has essentially tanked. But he's a very successful tv star (God knows why- there's no accounting for taste.) I'm sure he has no problem finding ways to rub shoulders with the great and near-great; so why is he begging for a date with Michael Jordan? I mean, this guy was married to Denise Richards once!

You know who would have been a better choice for Charlie Sheen's role in this commercial? Emilio Estevez. I can totally see Estevez begging for the opportunity to spend time with Michael Jordan. Think Sheen has his number?

Add Yoplait to the List of Sponsors Who Hate Men

Guy is standing in the kitchen, talking on the phone to an unseen buddy about how he's losing weight despite eating all this great food- "yeah, every night it's something different- key lime pie. Coconut creme. Yeah, and I'm actually losing weight. It's been great!"

Woman who is apparently his wife walks into the room behind him as he talks and proceeds to eavesdrop on his conversation as she opens the refrigerator door. Ah-HAH!! Stacked on the top shelf are a dozen or so cups of Yoplait Brand yogurt, in all the flavors that the guy on the phone has mentioned to his friend! Busted! Except, of course, it's hard to see what this guy has done wrong, or why it's any of this woman's business.

Nevertheless, she feels compelled to interrupt his conversation with "Um, Babe?" The guy turns around to see that she's holding the "incriminating" evidence of his malicious deceit- a cup of yogurt. The guy sheepishly turns his back toward the camera and tells his friend "Um, I gotta go." As he puts the phone down his chin drops to his chest, and he has this remorseful, caught-with-his-hand-in-the-cookie-jar look on his face.

Um, WHY? What the HELL did this guy do that was so damned horrible that he had to be slapped down for it? He told his friend that he was eating all this great food, which turned out to be flavors of yogurt- SO? What if the opposite was happening- what if he was telling his friend that he was losing weight by eating yogurt, but was actually consuming junk food? Would that have been more acceptable?

And more to the point- WHY does this woman feel compelled to get involved in the conversation? WHY is it her business what this guy is telling his friend? And my biggest question- WHAT is with the hangdog look this poor choad has at the end of the commercial as he says "I gotta go?" Does he have to make amends to this woman now? WHY? Did he fail to ask permission before using the phone?

Here's a better ending for this commercial- woman says "Um, Babe?" Guy turns around, acknowledges wife, and says "I'm on the phone right now, is it important?" When she basically has to concede that no, it's not important, she's just being a rude bitch (who, by the way, seems pretty determined to undermine his confidence and, therefore, his diet,) the guy turns his back again and continues with this conversation.

If he's lucky, she packs a bag and leaves before he's ready to hang up. Trust me, buddy- you've suffered no loss. Now open a bag of Fritos and treat yourself to a beer in front of the TV.

The Horror of Daytime TV- Pity the Poor SAHMs

It's summertime, which in the immortal words of Otto on The Simpsons means "three months of Spaghetti-O's and Daytime TV!" It also means that I get a chance to see a certain type of commercial that during the school year I would miss- the type aimed at Stay-At-Home moms. The commercial I'm going to snark on today played during "The View," which was unfortunately playing on the only television at the gym. Though it makes for good material, I think I would have rather missed this one.

It's a cartoon. Lots of daytime tv commercials seem to be cartoons- apparently ad agencies have convinced the makers of diapers, fabric softeners, and absorbent towels that stay-at-home moms are basically big children who react well to colorful animation and pretty music. It's an ad for Charmin Bath Tissue (which we in the real world refer to as "toilet tissue," but whatever) and it features a little pink bear who has apparently done something to displease his mom- he's "used the restroom" (in as much as there are restrooms available for bears in the woods) but the cheap toilet paper he used left pieces of the stuff attached to his butt.

Stay with me. I haven't even reached the bad part yet.

Momma Bear- who is also pink and is absolutely enormous- hands Little Bear a roll of Charmin and directs him to "try again." (At this point, I really wish I was dead. Or back in school. Anything to avoid this horror.) Little Bear proceeds to squat behind a tree which is equipped with a roll of Charmin. I wish I was kidding. We are supposed to imagine that Little Cartoon Bear is defecating behind Tall But Not Quite Wide Enough Dammit Cartoon Tree.

Little Bear presents himself for Momma Bear's inspection- and (why did God curse me with eyes?) we see that Little Bear still has a few scraps of paper attached to his butt, but they quickly fall off with a few shakes. Momma Bear is sooooo pleased with Little Bear.

Message I got from this commercial: Yes, Bears do shit in the woods, just like the old joke says. But most "bath tissue" leaves pieces of paper attached to the user (seriously? I had no idea.) Charmin magically seperates itself from your butt, even (I guess) if it's covered with fur. The makers of Charmin think that SAHMs are brain-dead children. The makers of Charmin also hate me and don't care that they make me long for Labor Day and a return to 9-hour days teaching, so I don't have to risk accidental exposure to this dreck again.

What happened to Mr. Whipple, that guy addicted to squeezing Charmin yet dedicated to preventing others from doing the same? I miss that guy. Especially now.

My Summer of Smirnoffs

Ok, I have to admit straight out- I've seen this latest installment of Assholes Get Drunk on Smirnoffs And Behave Like Reckless Children about four times, and I'm still not quite sure what's going on. Maybe it's because each of these commercials literally makes me tear up in despair, they are so far off the Brain-Dead Stupid Meter. But I'll give it a shot:

It seems that this time, the lucky (?) survivors of Commercial # 1 (diving down slick highways of plastic sheeting, risking paralysis in the name of Something Had To Be Done) and Commercial # 2 (dumping purple paint all over an abandoned gas station, wearing miner's goggles and jumping up and down like clueless preschoolers) are actually doing some work- pushing pencils and making photocopies for some totally unkewl soulless corporate behemoth. Clearly, once again, something "must be done." As near as I can tell, what "must be done" is taking every piece of foam in the office, carrying the tons of scrap to the roof, and throwing it all in a huge pile. Then what? Well, since a thousand bottles or so of Smirnoffs vodka has magically appeared in this OFFICE BUILDING, the natural answer to "then what?" is to hurl ourselves into the pile of foam!!

Smirnoffs naturally concludes this ad, which not only lacks the tiniest shred of social value but I'm convinced has pushed my soul closer to hell's outer ring, with the words "Be There." Um, be WHERE? WHERE is this HAPPENING in REAL LIFE? WHERE are people getting drunk in the middle of the fricking day, in the middle of an office building, and then throwing themselves into piles of trash on the roof?

I can only hope that before Labor Day, Smirnoffs concludes this ad campaign (which, seriously, has left me convinced that there Is No God, because God Would Not Allow Such Things as these commercials to Exist) by having this entire crowd of worthless choads engage in a wild, "I can't believe I was there" gas-pump free-for-all, a la Zoolander. Heck, instead of gasoline, just have these witless losers douse eachother with Smirnoffs. Then light a match. That commercial would restore my soul and my faith in ad agencies. And it's not like anyone can argue that ALL of these idiots deserve to die a horrible death. Right now.

"Well, I'm at Least as Relevant as my Guests!"

Once Upon a Time....there was this trailblazing pioneer in television news. Her name was Barbara Walters. In an era when males all but monopolized a very limited medium, Walters managed to become a familiar face for television viewers throughout the United States-- no, make that throughout the world. For fifteen years she hosted The Today Show. Then, she cohosted and ultimately replaced the iconic Hugh Downs on 20/20. Finally came the ultimate honor- becoming a host of The ABC Nightly News. By the 1980s, Walters had really arrived- she was an honored professional taken seriously by both her peers in the journalism community and by the public. Now nearly eighty, she continues to draw good ratings with The View (I'm not a fan, but kudos to Ms. Walters for not being willing to just slip into the background.)

Which is why the commercial for her Sirius/XM Radio show, Barbara Live, is so damned depressing. Here Walters breathlessly tells us that we should tune in and listen to her interview "the most fascinating people in Hollywood and the Music Industry!" Examples? "The great Elton John. Michael Caine. And LIZA!!"

For my readers who are under the age of fifty or so, "LIZA!" is Liza Minelli, best known for being Judy Garland's daughter. She won an Academy Award for Best Actress in 1972 and then went on to star in several box-office flops. She had a decent stage career in the 1960s and 1970s, but by the mid-80s had more or less fallen off the radar screen. Elton John doesn't need any introduction, but more than a dozen years after that God-awful remake of Candle In The Wind (A God-Awful song in it's ORIGINAL form) does he really qualify as one of the music industry's "most fascinating people?" And Michael Caine--- seriously, Michael Caine??

Just for the record- Liza Minelli is 62 years old. Elton John is 63. Michael Caine is 75. I've got nothing against Seniors, but only Barbara Walters could think that these people represent the "most fascinating people" in Hollywood and the Music industry. At least she doesn't refer to them as "fresh young stars," which would REALLY date the host.

I'm looking forward to Walters' warning us not to miss future shows featuring Twiggy, Kate Jackson, and Lee Majors. I'd suggest that she perform a duet with Tiny Tim, except I'm pretty sure he's dead. I wonder if that disqualifies him from being on this show.

Seriously, Barbara- it's nice that you are still on tv and the radio (and you sure as hell don't look like you are going to be eighty in September,) but you are dating yourself with this nonsense. Still, I won't snark on you too harshly- at least you aren't hosting that Pet Psychic show or trying to sell me a Credit Card Counseling service. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

Do People STILL Fall for Extended-Warranty Scams??

A well-dressed guy is being given the bad news by his auto mechanic: "you'd better plan on leaving your car here for a few days, it needs a lot of work..."

Well-Dressed Guy (who has greasy geri curls and looks like he fell out off the set of "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka") replies "yeah yeah, no problem....."

Mechanic: "No really, we're talking at least $1900 for parts....and then there's the labor and taxes..."

Well-Dressed Guy, who is barely paying attention: "Whatever, whatever, uh huh..."

Mechanic: "You're going to have to rent a car..."

Well-Dressed Guy: "Hey, it's no problem, I got Mogi!" And he whips out a little green credit card. Ah, I get it! This guy went to Getmogi.com, bought an extended warranty for his car, and it's covered! He's right, there IS no problem!

Except, come on now. Well-Dressed Guy is suffering from a severe reality detachment if he really thinks that Mogi is going to cover thousands of dollars in damages to his car just because he happens to have an extended warranty with them. Extended warranties have ALWAYS been dicey propositions bordering on rip-offs-- they rarely if ever are worth the additional cost involved, either because the item being "covered" could be replaced for less than the premiums or because the most common repairs are conveniently left off the list of those covered. Extended car warranties are even bigger scams- since companies like Mogi know damn well what is likely to go wrong with automobiles when they reach a certain age or mileage level, they simply fail to include those in the warranty- something you find out ONLY when you need the work done on the car. Plus, extended warranties purchased along with the item usually accomplish nothing beyond jacking up the price of that item, providing no benefit to the consumer; I've lost count of how many times I've been "offered" an additional six months or a year of "service" (which usually involves sending the product through the mail to some factory, on my dime of course) on a vacuum or clock radio which adds maybe twenty percent or more to the price. It's almost always cheaper and more convenient just to chuck the thing and buy a new one when it breaks down beyond the manufacturer's warranty.

Check out these testimonials concerning automobile extended warranties:

http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/447/RipOff0447447.htm

http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/365/RipOff0365379.htm

You'll see that companies like Mogi are in business to scam people into shelling out their hard-earned money on worthless warranties. Of course, this should come as no surprise to anyone who has matured enough to realize that no insurance company is going to offer complete coverage for your 2001 KIA with 180,000 miles on it for a reasonable price. That won't stop Mogi and others from trying, however; I'm still getting monthly "warnings" from College Park Honda that the warranty has expired on my 2003 Honda Civic EX. Gotta give them an "A" for Effort, I guess.