I saw the last thirty seconds of this commercial about a dozen times before I saw the FIRST thirty seconds, and was ready to write it up before I ever saw the whole thing. When I finally saw the first thirty seconds, I realized that it was even more stupid than I had originally thought.
The commercial is for an acne medication called Epiduo, and it opens with this teenaged kid apparently living out of a tent in his neighborhood grocery store. We are told that this kid has been in this store for EIGHTEEN MONTHS "waiting" for the right acne medication to come around. He's wearing the ugliest ski cap I've ever seen- and never takes it off during the entire commercial, which rankles me for some reason.
Already, this commercial has serious issues. This kid is living in a store, waiting for medication to jump off the shelf into his lap? And this makes more sense than asking the pharmacist, does it?
Oh, but it just gets better. A disembodied voice urges the clueless, pimply little twerp to see his doctor about his acne- because, you see, "Acne is a medical condition." Ah, yes, of course! A Doctor! That's a GREAT idea! Why didn't this kid think of that before! All he has to do is call a doctor and make an appointment to discuss his complexion issues!
Now we get to the part I've seen a dozen times or more: the next thing we know, the kid's face has cleared up, and he's moved his tent to the sidewalk, where instead of waiting for medication to magically appear, he's on line to buy tickets to something or another (all we are shown is a sign which says "tickets on sale at 8 AM.") He's still wearing that stupid ugly skicap. But now, thanks to his doctor and Epiduo, he's chatting away with two cute girls who suddenly find him really, really interesting.
Except, darn it, check out the look on the faces of these girls as they gab with formerly pockmarked stupid skicap boy. I've never seen such phony smiles. It couldn't be more obvious that they are humoring this idiot to cut into the line. I mean, think about it. This kid spent a year and a half living out of that tent, in a store aisle, because he had acne and was too damned stupid to ask someone for help. Suddenly he's a facinating conversationalist? I really doubt it.
One last thing: It sure was great of that doctor to prescribe Epiduo for his acne. But it would have been even more helpful for the doctor to suggest that maybe, just maybe, wearing a tight-fitting, dirty skicap nonstop might be contributing to the clogged pores as much as anything else. That advice doesn't help sell medication though, does it?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Where Has this guy been for the last thirty years?
Typical thirtysomething guy sits down at a table with a bunch of typical thirtysomething friends of mixed ethnicity (of course) at Olive Garden. "I know what I want already" he says.
Waitress: "Have you heard about our endless pasta bowl?"
Guy is gobsmacked- Endless Pasta Bowl? Wow, this is going to cause some major rethinking! "Friends" find this funny and burst out laughing, which suggests that they decided not to wait to get sloshed on Olive Garden's cheap wine selection and instead got tanked before dinner.
Ok, let's stop right here. "Have you ever heard about our endless pasta bowl?" ranks right up there with the cashier at MacDonald's asking me if I've ever heard of the Big Mac, or a kid at Seven-Eleven asking me if I'm aware that store sells hot coffee. Seriously, has this guy been in a cave for his entire life?
Back to the current situtation, in which this guy must now find a way to save face for his "I know what I want already" boasting (how dare he? How could anyone be so certain before looking at Olive Garden's extensive menu of crap faux-Italian food?) He pulls it off with aplomb- "I know what I want...FIRST." More laughter from his clearly shit-faced friends (if they aren't drunk, he certainly picked them well, as they seem capable of bursting into laughter at every mildly amusing thing he says. Maybe he's the boss back at the office, and his "friends" are actually butt-kissing supplicants.)
Come on. When you go to Olive Garden, it's for one purpose- to get cheap-tasting food at a reasonable price. If you want GOOD Italian food, you aren't going to the Olive Garden. Which means you don't go there for a nice steak, or good seafood. You go there for pasta. Lots and lots of pasta. And breadsticks. Because you're too damned lazy to make it at home, and don't mind shelling out ten bucks because at least you don't have to do the dishes when it's over, and you can pretend you treated yourself to a night out. But let's not make it more than it is. It's all the spaghetti and rolls you want, without waiting for the next church dinner. Period.
When you walk in, you know what you'll get. Because, really, it's all they've got.
Waitress: "Have you heard about our endless pasta bowl?"
Guy is gobsmacked- Endless Pasta Bowl? Wow, this is going to cause some major rethinking! "Friends" find this funny and burst out laughing, which suggests that they decided not to wait to get sloshed on Olive Garden's cheap wine selection and instead got tanked before dinner.
Ok, let's stop right here. "Have you ever heard about our endless pasta bowl?" ranks right up there with the cashier at MacDonald's asking me if I've ever heard of the Big Mac, or a kid at Seven-Eleven asking me if I'm aware that store sells hot coffee. Seriously, has this guy been in a cave for his entire life?
Back to the current situtation, in which this guy must now find a way to save face for his "I know what I want already" boasting (how dare he? How could anyone be so certain before looking at Olive Garden's extensive menu of crap faux-Italian food?) He pulls it off with aplomb- "I know what I want...FIRST." More laughter from his clearly shit-faced friends (if they aren't drunk, he certainly picked them well, as they seem capable of bursting into laughter at every mildly amusing thing he says. Maybe he's the boss back at the office, and his "friends" are actually butt-kissing supplicants.)
Come on. When you go to Olive Garden, it's for one purpose- to get cheap-tasting food at a reasonable price. If you want GOOD Italian food, you aren't going to the Olive Garden. Which means you don't go there for a nice steak, or good seafood. You go there for pasta. Lots and lots of pasta. And breadsticks. Because you're too damned lazy to make it at home, and don't mind shelling out ten bucks because at least you don't have to do the dishes when it's over, and you can pretend you treated yourself to a night out. But let's not make it more than it is. It's all the spaghetti and rolls you want, without waiting for the next church dinner. Period.
When you walk in, you know what you'll get. Because, really, it's all they've got.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Further Dumbing Down of America
There are a lot of these "if (fill in blank) ran the world" Nextel commercials, and they are all totally snark-worthy. There's the "if lumberjacks ran the world" one, in which some incredibly filthy dick holding one of those incredibly annoying chirping phones decides a divorce case by having his minions chop everything the couple owns in half, brilliant. There's the one featuring a cliche'd Bridezilla in which we hear one of my favorite questions ever- "Why is it raining?" Ummmm......
But I'll focus today on one that touches a subject near and dear to my heart. I teach AP US Government, and I take the concept of Democracy and the teaching of the genius of our remarkable, enduring system very, very seriously. So the "What if Firemen ran the world" commercial really ticks me off.
The firemen are sitting in what looks like the floor of the House of Representatives. The Speaker bleats into his phone "New Roads?" The "Representatives" reply into their own god-damned chirping phones "Aye!" "What about the budget?" asks the Speaker. "Balance it" chants the "Congress."
Done and done.
Except, NO. Here's the "problem" with a Democracy: Services and Costs must be balanced, which requires careful deliberation among 435 Congressmen, 100 Senators and 1 President in accordance with the rules set down by a 222-year old document. The decisions concerning the raising and spending of money involve the wants and needs of some 300 million people with widely divergent opinions, all of whom have the right to be heard. This commercial feeds what I like to call the Conceit of the Common Man- the conviction, fed not only by Nextel but also by Hollywood movies from Mr Smith Goes to Washington to Man of the Year and Dave, that if ONLY "average" people could be put in charge, all of our problems would disappear in the wink of an eye. Such a conviction might make us feel good about ourselves, it might fit nicely into our already well-established but largely ignorant distaste for "politicians," but it's about as rooted in reality as Swing Vote.
I don't think that corporations have an obligation to educate the public. It would be nice, however, if they didn't feel it necessary to reduce the national IQ to pimp their crappy products.
But I'll focus today on one that touches a subject near and dear to my heart. I teach AP US Government, and I take the concept of Democracy and the teaching of the genius of our remarkable, enduring system very, very seriously. So the "What if Firemen ran the world" commercial really ticks me off.
The firemen are sitting in what looks like the floor of the House of Representatives. The Speaker bleats into his phone "New Roads?" The "Representatives" reply into their own god-damned chirping phones "Aye!" "What about the budget?" asks the Speaker. "Balance it" chants the "Congress."
Done and done.
Except, NO. Here's the "problem" with a Democracy: Services and Costs must be balanced, which requires careful deliberation among 435 Congressmen, 100 Senators and 1 President in accordance with the rules set down by a 222-year old document. The decisions concerning the raising and spending of money involve the wants and needs of some 300 million people with widely divergent opinions, all of whom have the right to be heard. This commercial feeds what I like to call the Conceit of the Common Man- the conviction, fed not only by Nextel but also by Hollywood movies from Mr Smith Goes to Washington to Man of the Year and Dave, that if ONLY "average" people could be put in charge, all of our problems would disappear in the wink of an eye. Such a conviction might make us feel good about ourselves, it might fit nicely into our already well-established but largely ignorant distaste for "politicians," but it's about as rooted in reality as Swing Vote.
I don't think that corporations have an obligation to educate the public. It would be nice, however, if they didn't feel it necessary to reduce the national IQ to pimp their crappy products.
Progressive Insurance: Where are the Damned Windows??
These ads for Progressive Insurance really creep me out. For one thing, each one features the same scary-pale brunette who looks like she ought to be auditioning for the community theatre's upcoming presentation of Snow White. Seriously, does she EVER get outside?
Secondly, the "store" in these ads look like the inside of a florescent bulb, or that lab where Mike Teevee got turned into a billion floating specks in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Shouldn't they be handing out sunglasses at the door?
Third, if the dope who asks about discounts is planning on buying Online ("DISCOUNT!"), why is he even there, talking to the scary-pale brunette? Isn't the reason that the "store" is gleaming white is that it's supposed to be a representation of a web site anyway? I'm so confused.
Fourth, the "guy hogging the remote" bit: Congratulations, Progressive- you somehow managed to fit in the prerequisite "all men are self-absorbed idiots, watch as their women roll their eyes in resigned disgust" message in.
--and on a related snark, the little balding man who asks "what if mother won't let me drive?" Um, why are you in this commercial? Oh yes, to play Beaten Down P-whipped Guy. Ever think of doing any yogurt commercials?
Fifth, the "name your own price" gag? Please. I go on to Progressive.com and type in that I want to pay a hundred dollars a year for car insurance. Progressive.com responds that no insurance is available at that price. Yeah, that makes me feel "empowered." You know what, I can save big money on my food budget too, if I just quit eating. And I can "name my own price" for rent by living in a piano box. Give me a break.
And I didn't even get to the "you must be interested in motorcycle insurance" ad, where the Scary-Pale girl brags about her bike. No need. These ads have already worn out their welcome, and need to go, now.
If only we could find a way to get Scary-Pale girl to take that Gecko and the Cavemen with her....
Secondly, the "store" in these ads look like the inside of a florescent bulb, or that lab where Mike Teevee got turned into a billion floating specks in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Shouldn't they be handing out sunglasses at the door?
Third, if the dope who asks about discounts is planning on buying Online ("DISCOUNT!"), why is he even there, talking to the scary-pale brunette? Isn't the reason that the "store" is gleaming white is that it's supposed to be a representation of a web site anyway? I'm so confused.
Fourth, the "guy hogging the remote" bit: Congratulations, Progressive- you somehow managed to fit in the prerequisite "all men are self-absorbed idiots, watch as their women roll their eyes in resigned disgust" message in.
--and on a related snark, the little balding man who asks "what if mother won't let me drive?" Um, why are you in this commercial? Oh yes, to play Beaten Down P-whipped Guy. Ever think of doing any yogurt commercials?
Fifth, the "name your own price" gag? Please. I go on to Progressive.com and type in that I want to pay a hundred dollars a year for car insurance. Progressive.com responds that no insurance is available at that price. Yeah, that makes me feel "empowered." You know what, I can save big money on my food budget too, if I just quit eating. And I can "name my own price" for rent by living in a piano box. Give me a break.
And I didn't even get to the "you must be interested in motorcycle insurance" ad, where the Scary-Pale girl brags about her bike. No need. These ads have already worn out their welcome, and need to go, now.
If only we could find a way to get Scary-Pale girl to take that Gecko and the Cavemen with her....
They'll be lucky to have you, after a few minor adjustments
Middle-aged guy nervously adjusts his tie in the mirror as he tells his teen-aged daughter doubtfully "it's been a long time since I've had to wear a tie..."
Teen-aged daughter: "Dad, you're going to get this job, I know it." And she holds up a box of Just for Men hair coloring.
(Yes, I've snarked on Just for Men before- check the archives. Some companies just keep gift-wrapping presents for me. )
The guy uses Just for Men to change his hair from gray to brown. Next thing you know, he's walking through the door and telling his anxious daughter "Honey, it looks like I'm going to need......some more ties!"
"YES!" Exclaims daughter, and she gives her dad a hug. Aww, how sweet. I guess Dad can keep custody now.
Ok, so what's the big deal? What's so snark-worthy about this commercial. Simply this: As in all "Just for Men" hair coloring ads, we are being sold the concept that there's something WRONG with having gray hair. Gray hair means you don't get dates. Gray hair means that the cute girl at the bar won't give you a second glance. Gray hair means that you are doomed to remain unemployed and your teen-aged daughter is going to have to go live with mom Upstate.
And what happens if gray-haired guys use Just for Men? They get dates. They get picked up by the cute girl at the bar. They get jobs. They get their daughters' respect and admiration.
Really, why stop there? Why don't we see commercials where the daughter hands her father not just a box of hair coloring, but a paper bag which contains Hair Coloring, Lifts, Botox, a two-month supply of Dexatrim and a Gym Membership? Because "they'd be lucky to have you," but they aren't going to give you a second glance unless you are younger-looking, taller, and slimmer, right?
I wish Just for Men would include the tagline "Because Once You Have Gray Hair, nobody is interested in you, period." I also wish their commercials would stop implying that every guy out there who has gray hair is a divorced loner who needs affirmation from the Little Girl in His Life. There's something really creepy about seeing daughters begging their dads to pretend to be younger than they actually are. But maybe it's just me.
Teen-aged daughter: "Dad, you're going to get this job, I know it." And she holds up a box of Just for Men hair coloring.
(Yes, I've snarked on Just for Men before- check the archives. Some companies just keep gift-wrapping presents for me. )
The guy uses Just for Men to change his hair from gray to brown. Next thing you know, he's walking through the door and telling his anxious daughter "Honey, it looks like I'm going to need......some more ties!"
"YES!" Exclaims daughter, and she gives her dad a hug. Aww, how sweet. I guess Dad can keep custody now.
Ok, so what's the big deal? What's so snark-worthy about this commercial. Simply this: As in all "Just for Men" hair coloring ads, we are being sold the concept that there's something WRONG with having gray hair. Gray hair means you don't get dates. Gray hair means that the cute girl at the bar won't give you a second glance. Gray hair means that you are doomed to remain unemployed and your teen-aged daughter is going to have to go live with mom Upstate.
And what happens if gray-haired guys use Just for Men? They get dates. They get picked up by the cute girl at the bar. They get jobs. They get their daughters' respect and admiration.
Really, why stop there? Why don't we see commercials where the daughter hands her father not just a box of hair coloring, but a paper bag which contains Hair Coloring, Lifts, Botox, a two-month supply of Dexatrim and a Gym Membership? Because "they'd be lucky to have you," but they aren't going to give you a second glance unless you are younger-looking, taller, and slimmer, right?
I wish Just for Men would include the tagline "Because Once You Have Gray Hair, nobody is interested in you, period." I also wish their commercials would stop implying that every guy out there who has gray hair is a divorced loner who needs affirmation from the Little Girl in His Life. There's something really creepy about seeing daughters begging their dads to pretend to be younger than they actually are. But maybe it's just me.
What kind of "Party" is this?
Here's a guy walking through an opulent-looking house filled with people engaged in conversation, holding a bag of Chex Party Mix (maybe. I think it's Chex Mix. It hardly matters.) His problem: People keep sticking their hands in his bag of snacks. They are eating his Chex Mix! What a bunch of jerks!
The narrator offers a helpful solution: Stick your bag of GOOD snacks into a bag of "Boring Chips." Seriously, the Brand X-style bag is labeled "boring chips." Presto, the guy is now free to walk about the house, chatting it up with people, with no fear that any of the other guests will want any of his well-disguised GOOD snacks.
Um, huh? Raise your hand if you've ever been to a "party" which is not merely BYOB, but also requests that you bring your own snacky-type foods, too. Who threw this party? What did the invitation say- "hey, come to my house Saturday night. I'm asking everyone to bring whatever they want to eat and drink, and to eat and drink it at my house?" I've been to parties where I've been asked to bring a dish of something for everyone to share. I've been to parties where people have brought snacks which are then poured into big bowls and placed in centralized locations. I've never been to a party where people bring their own snacks and walk around hoarding them.
I've got a suggestion for this selfish pig: the best way to avoid having to share ANYTHING is to avoid human contact. The next time you get an invitation to attend a weird "bring your own Everything" party, just politely decline and stay at home with your precious snacks. Trust me, you won't be missed.
The narrator offers a helpful solution: Stick your bag of GOOD snacks into a bag of "Boring Chips." Seriously, the Brand X-style bag is labeled "boring chips." Presto, the guy is now free to walk about the house, chatting it up with people, with no fear that any of the other guests will want any of his well-disguised GOOD snacks.
Um, huh? Raise your hand if you've ever been to a "party" which is not merely BYOB, but also requests that you bring your own snacky-type foods, too. Who threw this party? What did the invitation say- "hey, come to my house Saturday night. I'm asking everyone to bring whatever they want to eat and drink, and to eat and drink it at my house?" I've been to parties where I've been asked to bring a dish of something for everyone to share. I've been to parties where people have brought snacks which are then poured into big bowls and placed in centralized locations. I've never been to a party where people bring their own snacks and walk around hoarding them.
I've got a suggestion for this selfish pig: the best way to avoid having to share ANYTHING is to avoid human contact. The next time you get an invitation to attend a weird "bring your own Everything" party, just politely decline and stay at home with your precious snacks. Trust me, you won't be missed.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Smoke Assassin: Sometimes, the Snark Writes Itself!
There are days when I really have to reach to add to this blog. I realize that I haven't posted in a while, so I write up some snark concerning an ad that I find only mildly annoying. Then there are days when I'm so irritated and/or angry at a commercial that I can't WAIT to blog about it.
And now, I have to add a new kind of day: A day where I hear a commercial so blandly unenthusiastic about it's product that the snark seems to be built in, and all I have to do is repeat what I heard.
The product is something called Smoke Assassin, and right off the bat I know it's going to be a winner: "the price of cigarettes just keeps going up, the taxes just keep going up, and it's just not fair." Um, pardon me? What exactly is not "fair" about cigarette prices rising? What exactly is not "fair" about cigarette TAXES rising? I've heard enough of Cigar Dave to know that there really is an army of self-pitying idiots who think that they have a God-given right to blow smoke in my face, but let's get real.
It gets better: "Smoke Assassin- it looks and feels like the real thing, but emits water vapor instead of smoke. We're not saying you'll stop smoking, but thousands quit every day." I just LOVE this line! Imagine a car dealer telling you "I'm not saying this car will operate properly, but millions of people drive every day." Or Rosetta Stone informing it's customers "We aren't saying that you'll learn a new language, but thousands are learning a new language every day." Brilliant!
It gets even BETTER: "We're not saying it's a healthy smoke, but you do the math: no nicotine, no tar....." Again, I just love it: this company comes right out and says "our product might not be good for you either, but it's not bad in the same way cigarettes are."
I don't know what Smoke Assassin actually is, and I'm pretty positive it doesn't work (heck, the commercials basically TELL me it doesn't work) but I have to applaud the radio commercials for their honesty and built-in snark. Maybe in the future the makers of Smoke Assassin will come out with a ten-second version- "Try Smoke Assassin- it might not help you quit, it's not healthy, but--- um, well--- Try Smoke Assassin." I'd love it.
And now, I have to add a new kind of day: A day where I hear a commercial so blandly unenthusiastic about it's product that the snark seems to be built in, and all I have to do is repeat what I heard.
The product is something called Smoke Assassin, and right off the bat I know it's going to be a winner: "the price of cigarettes just keeps going up, the taxes just keep going up, and it's just not fair." Um, pardon me? What exactly is not "fair" about cigarette prices rising? What exactly is not "fair" about cigarette TAXES rising? I've heard enough of Cigar Dave to know that there really is an army of self-pitying idiots who think that they have a God-given right to blow smoke in my face, but let's get real.
It gets better: "Smoke Assassin- it looks and feels like the real thing, but emits water vapor instead of smoke. We're not saying you'll stop smoking, but thousands quit every day." I just LOVE this line! Imagine a car dealer telling you "I'm not saying this car will operate properly, but millions of people drive every day." Or Rosetta Stone informing it's customers "We aren't saying that you'll learn a new language, but thousands are learning a new language every day." Brilliant!
It gets even BETTER: "We're not saying it's a healthy smoke, but you do the math: no nicotine, no tar....." Again, I just love it: this company comes right out and says "our product might not be good for you either, but it's not bad in the same way cigarettes are."
I don't know what Smoke Assassin actually is, and I'm pretty positive it doesn't work (heck, the commercials basically TELL me it doesn't work) but I have to applaud the radio commercials for their honesty and built-in snark. Maybe in the future the makers of Smoke Assassin will come out with a ten-second version- "Try Smoke Assassin- it might not help you quit, it's not healthy, but--- um, well--- Try Smoke Assassin." I'd love it.
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