There's No Honor Among Thieves

I've posted in the past on the phenomenon of "credit card counseling" and "debt relief services" commercials which absolutely dominate the world of satellite radio these days. But now I'm hearing an ad which suggests that even the scumbags who form these "helpful" companies realize that they are drowning out each other and need to create an edge.

The commercial is for Credit Card Relief (or something like that- seriously, make any combination of the words "Debt," "Credit," "Relief," "Service,"and "Counseling" and chances are you've come up with the name of an already-existing debt management program. The voice is that of a very gruff man who sounds like he's talking to us out of the side of his mouth. He's really ticked off that there are so many companies pretty much exactly like the one he's pimping for- "It seems like every time you turn on the radio, you hear these stories- happy young couple gets their debt completely cleaned off the books without even trying. I mean, come on! If it sounds too good to be true, it IS too good to be true. You need REAL relief- not bankruptcy, that should be your last option. And not a high-interest consolidation loan. We're Credit Card Relief, and we've been helping people solve their debt problems for almost a decade...."

Blah blah blah. Clever, no? "We know you've been hearing this same pitch every day, but don't listen to those other guys, they are lying to you with their pie-in-the-sky promises." CCR doesn't name names, but I'd suggest that they specifically mention John Commuta and his "pay off your $500,000 mortgage in two years instead of thirty just with the money you already make" bs. Maybe they fear a lawsuit. "THOSE guys are trying to cheat you. WE are the REAL DEAL." And in case you are still skeptical, "WE have been in business for ALMOST a DECADE." Wow, great history of service there.

These guys make me laugh, they really do. It's not enough that they are trying like hell to insert themselves between desperate debtors and their creditors so that they can extract their pound of flesh, but now they are starting to stab eachother in the back to do it by calling their competitors phonies. Seriously- anyone with half a brain knows that every single one of these companies is set up in exactly the same way with exactly the same business strategy- become the paid whine merchant for people with debt issues by harrassing creditors to accept lower monthly payments spread out over a longer time (and, therefore, accumulating more interest) while skimming a fee off the top for themselves. None of them do a damn thing that the debtor isn't capable of doing ON HIS OWN.

So please, Credit Card Relief, Credit Debt Services, Debt Services USA, Credit Debt Relief, etc. etc.- spare me the "we're not like those other losers" bit. You are EXACTLY like those other losers. Hell, it wouldn't shock me to learn that you ARE those other losers, and all these different names are just part of a con to convince listeners that there are a bunch of companies out there competing for your "business."

Oh- and you are all soulless bloodsuckers who will burn in hell. Just thought I'd toss that in, in case you hadn't heard it from one of your disappointed "clients" lately.

Judith Regan = Classless, at Best

I'm listening to talk radio on Sirius/XM and suddenly I hear this commercial for something called the "Judith Regan Show." Here's Judith Regan, telling us why we need to give her a listen:

"Everyone lies nowadays. Lawyers lie. Spokespeople lie. Politicians lie. Well, that's why you need the Judith Regan show. This is the Guantanamo Bay of Talk shows. We rip people apart, we shred them, we get to the truth."

Ugh, come on. "The Guantanamo Bay of Talk Shows?" How about "the North Korean Prison of Talk Shows?" As we approach the 8th anniversary of 9/11, perhaps she should call her show so exciting, so hot, so attention-grabbing that it's "the brutal terrorist attack of talk shows."

Judith Regan is actually equating asking tough questions to- what? Applying electrodes to fingers and testicles? Threatening to rape the subject's minor family members? Waterboarding?

I'll be polite and say that Judith Regan is just being clueless and classless here. It would be just as easy to say she's being oblivious to the harsh reality of what went on down in Gitmo during the last Administration. It would be just as easy to say that Judith Regan apparently thinks that there's something valuable about torture because it "gets answers." Because I don't know Judith Regan and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Because, seriously- the alternative is that Judith Regan thinks it's fricking AWESOME that we tortured suspects, and she's doing the next best thing on her show, because gosh darn it, we the listeners deserve the "truth."

Here's the truth, and I'm being polite: Judith Regan is, at best, an idiot who agreed to sign off on a really, really horrible ad idea. If these ads stay on, she moves beyond "idiot" into the category of "cold-blooded, soulless moron." I'll just have to wait and see.

Mom to the Rescue, Again

Mom walks into her teen-aged son's room and instantly crinkles up her nose; clearly, she's entered a toxic waste zone. Her son is splayed out on a sofa, surrounded by his own filth.

"Aren't you having people over to visit?" she asks. "Yeah" he answers.

"We've got to get this room cleaned!" she exclaims. (WE? WE? This kid isn't old enough to clean his own fricking room?)

There's no time to actually clean the room- so Mom whips out a bottle of some air freshener- I think it's Febreze, but I can't be sure because the ad doesn't end with somebody jamming their nose into pillows or curtains or shoes, like all the Febreze commercials do. All I know is that this woman proceeds to squirt half the bottle of the stuff all over her son's room.

And then, the payoff: Two cute girls appear at the door of the room, and one of them says "It smells so nice in here!"

A couple of points: first, there are any number of reasons why a teen-aged boy's room would stink. Maybe there's laundry collecting mold and mildew under the bed. Maybe the sofa is filled with old french fries and pizza slices. Maybe the kid hasn't bathed in the past week or so. Whatever the cause, spraying chemicals around isn't really going to solve the basic issue- your kid is a slob, and the reason you have roaches running around the house.

Second- what Mom reacts to the knowledge that teen-aged girls are coming to spend time in their son's room by rushing around said room, making it as bearably clean-smelling as possible? It seems to me that if the girls don't like the smell of your son's room, they are going to want to move the party or whatever it is to the living room, where you can keep an eye on them.

Third, related to point number one- what is this mom teaching her kid? "Don't bother with keeping yourself and your surroundings clean- just wait till the last minute, you can fake it by spraying crap all the place." To hell with that. Either make Dirty Doofus clean his room regularly or let him live with the bad reputation he gives himself when his peers come to visit. I'm so sick of seeing TV Moms with spray bottles and paper towels at the ready like six-shooters, ready to draw at a moment's notice whenever one of their disgusting spawn makes a mess. This kid looks like he's going to be living on his own in a couple of years- when is he going to be encouraged to grow the hell up?

The person who made this ad flunked Remedial Commercial Making 101

Some time ago, I posted on an incredibly stupid MacDonald's commercial that featured nothing but people sighing and mumbling as they consumed their lard-encrusted "food." The ad I heard for DeVry University today makes that McDonald's spot look like something worthy of being unveiled during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. It consists of a chirpy female voice trying to convince us that there's this word called "Ility," and we're all looking for it:

"We all want 'Ility.' We're always looking for Flexibility. We want credentials to give us Credibility. Then we can get jobs with Responsibility and gain Respectability...."

Uh huh. So, why aren't we all looking for "Bility" rather than "Ility?" I mean, as long as you are going to appeal to our Gullibility...were the ad makers afraid of being sued by the makers of those "Drinkability" commercials?

The ad is for DeVry ( I guess--- as I was pounding my skull against the wall in disgust at this brain-dead idiocy, I'm pretty sure I heard the word "DeVry" mentioned.) There ought to be a little disclaimer telling us that the person who wrote the ad is NOT a DeVry graduate, because seriously, if this is the kind of "skill" they teach at that place, well.....

At my school, kids in computer classes have to create an imaginary business with a sales model, including brochures and an ad campaign. I can tell you straight out that the least imaginative 10th-grader could come up with something better than "Ility" in about five minutes on his worst day. It doesn't say much for DeVry that they actually paid someone to create this ad, and even less that, after seeing it, the school paid to have it aired. I'm pretty sure that commercials aren't supposed to leave you thinking "Jesus, that was an incredibly stupid waste of time, not to mention a real insult to my intelligence."

Back to the drawing board, DeVry. Next time, try to come up with something that doesn't stoke my irritability.

Jane's Story of Undaunted Courage, or How I Forced the Doctor to Prescribe Drugs to my Mom

"Jane, like a lot of people, is starting to see changes in her mom as she gets older — she's forgetting things, getting irritated easily, having trouble doing everyday things. Join her as she talks to her family and the doctor and moves toward an answer."

We click and watch the commercial- Jane is talking to her dad. She's worried about mom- "she's forgetting things, she's always repeating herself." Dad is in gutless, cowardly denial- "she's fine!" No help for Jane here.

Now Jane is talking to some other guy- "I'm really worried about mom. She's having trouble doing everyday things!" This guy doesn't have any lines, but the look on his face tells me "good lord, what does this woman want from me? Why is she bothering me with her personal issues?"

Now Jane is sitting at a desk, talking to a person who is clearly supposed to be a doctor- white jacket, badge on lapel, you get the drift. "The doctor said 'its just old age" Jane tells us- and we see the "doctor" just shaking her head sadly.

Jane is really, really upset now that the entire planet seems to be in on some vast conspiracy to prevent her mom from getting help for what is clearly a serious medical problem. At this point, she reminds me of any number of movies in which the main character is convinced that she is in possession of the truth, yet everyone around her is trying to convince her that she's crazy.

Fortunately (?) Jane finally finds an enabler who clues her in to Youcanbetheone.com, which helpfully feeds Jane's paranoia with downloadable documents and cartoons she can print up and shove into her doctor's face. Seriously- next thing you know, we see Jane at her mom's doctor's office again- only this time, she's showing all this cool stuff she's printed up from Youcanbetheone.com, like she's a fricking detective confronting the murderer with the indisputable evidence of her crime.

Deflated and defeated, the doctor now nods in affirmation and agrees to prescribe some drug to Jane's mom. Dad has been brought low, the medical community has been shown up, and Jane of Fricking Arc can walk away triumphant, because she's finally become a big enough nag to convince a doctor to Drug Mom. Way to go, Jane. We'll remember you to the Nobel Community.

This is just sick. I guess "Ask your Doctor if [insert drug name] is right for you" wasn't cutting it anymore- now Big Pharma has moved on to "if your doctor says no, print up stuff from our site and shove it in his face. And if the people around you discourage you from getting the drugs, ignore them, because they are just clueless assholes anyway. Be a hero- get your loved ones on drugs. Now."

And get this disclaimer, again from the website- "This Web site contains information relating to various medical conditions and treatment. Such information is provided for educational purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for the advice of a physician or other healthcare professional. You should not use this information for diagnosing a health problem or disease. In order for you to make intelligent healthcare decisions, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare provider for your, or your loved one's, personal medical needs." Isn't that a riot? The disclaimer tells us that we "should not use this information for diagnosing a health problem or disease"- which is exactly what Jane does. "The information provided here is "not meant to substitute for the advice of a physician..." but that's exactly what Jane is ENCOURAGED TO DO!

And the tagline at the bottom of the Homepage:

This commercial is part of Eisai Inc. and Pfizer Inc's ongoing commitment to help educate caregivers and patients on the importance of diagnosing memory problems early.

"Educate caregivers.." yes, that does sound better than "threaten" or "cajole" or "harrass," doesn't it?

You Can Be The One- to strong-arm the only doctor left in the United States who won't prescribe drugs as a pavolovian response to the patient walking in the door anyway. I mean, seriously- there's a doctor out there who told some woman "your mom is just getting old? " Really?

Epiduo: Know What this kid could use? Some parents!

I saw the last thirty seconds of this commercial about a dozen times before I saw the FIRST thirty seconds, and was ready to write it up before I ever saw the whole thing. When I finally saw the first thirty seconds, I realized that it was even more stupid than I had originally thought.

The commercial is for an acne medication called Epiduo, and it opens with this teenaged kid apparently living out of a tent in his neighborhood grocery store. We are told that this kid has been in this store for EIGHTEEN MONTHS "waiting" for the right acne medication to come around. He's wearing the ugliest ski cap I've ever seen- and never takes it off during the entire commercial, which rankles me for some reason.

Already, this commercial has serious issues. This kid is living in a store, waiting for medication to jump off the shelf into his lap? And this makes more sense than asking the pharmacist, does it?

Oh, but it just gets better. A disembodied voice urges the clueless, pimply little twerp to see his doctor about his acne- because, you see, "Acne is a medical condition." Ah, yes, of course! A Doctor! That's a GREAT idea! Why didn't this kid think of that before! All he has to do is call a doctor and make an appointment to discuss his complexion issues!

Now we get to the part I've seen a dozen times or more: the next thing we know, the kid's face has cleared up, and he's moved his tent to the sidewalk, where instead of waiting for medication to magically appear, he's on line to buy tickets to something or another (all we are shown is a sign which says "tickets on sale at 8 AM.") He's still wearing that stupid ugly skicap. But now, thanks to his doctor and Epiduo, he's chatting away with two cute girls who suddenly find him really, really interesting.

Except, darn it, check out the look on the faces of these girls as they gab with formerly pockmarked stupid skicap boy. I've never seen such phony smiles. It couldn't be more obvious that they are humoring this idiot to cut into the line. I mean, think about it. This kid spent a year and a half living out of that tent, in a store aisle, because he had acne and was too damned stupid to ask someone for help. Suddenly he's a facinating conversationalist? I really doubt it.

One last thing: It sure was great of that doctor to prescribe Epiduo for his acne. But it would have been even more helpful for the doctor to suggest that maybe, just maybe, wearing a tight-fitting, dirty skicap nonstop might be contributing to the clogged pores as much as anything else. That advice doesn't help sell medication though, does it?

Where Has this guy been for the last thirty years?

Typical thirtysomething guy sits down at a table with a bunch of typical thirtysomething friends of mixed ethnicity (of course) at Olive Garden. "I know what I want already" he says.

Waitress: "Have you heard about our endless pasta bowl?"

Guy is gobsmacked- Endless Pasta Bowl? Wow, this is going to cause some major rethinking! "Friends" find this funny and burst out laughing, which suggests that they decided not to wait to get sloshed on Olive Garden's cheap wine selection and instead got tanked before dinner.

Ok, let's stop right here. "Have you ever heard about our endless pasta bowl?" ranks right up there with the cashier at MacDonald's asking me if I've ever heard of the Big Mac, or a kid at Seven-Eleven asking me if I'm aware that store sells hot coffee. Seriously, has this guy been in a cave for his entire life?

Back to the current situtation, in which this guy must now find a way to save face for his "I know what I want already" boasting (how dare he? How could anyone be so certain before looking at Olive Garden's extensive menu of crap faux-Italian food?) He pulls it off with aplomb- "I know what I want...FIRST." More laughter from his clearly shit-faced friends (if they aren't drunk, he certainly picked them well, as they seem capable of bursting into laughter at every mildly amusing thing he says. Maybe he's the boss back at the office, and his "friends" are actually butt-kissing supplicants.)

Come on. When you go to Olive Garden, it's for one purpose- to get cheap-tasting food at a reasonable price. If you want GOOD Italian food, you aren't going to the Olive Garden. Which means you don't go there for a nice steak, or good seafood. You go there for pasta. Lots and lots of pasta. And breadsticks. Because you're too damned lazy to make it at home, and don't mind shelling out ten bucks because at least you don't have to do the dishes when it's over, and you can pretend you treated yourself to a night out. But let's not make it more than it is. It's all the spaghetti and rolls you want, without waiting for the next church dinner. Period.

When you walk in, you know what you'll get. Because, really, it's all they've got.