The Easiest Snark of All

"People keep asking me 'hey Tom- why Ford? Why Now?"

Who are these "people?" Why do they keep bothering this guy? If Tom wasn't actually a pitchman for Ford, I guess a proper answer would be "you think I have nothing better to do than to give you an education on car-buying? Who asked you to buy a Ford? Leave me alone!"

But since Tom IS a bought-and-paid for whore for the Ford Motor Company, we are supposed to believe that he explained to these "people" how the New Ford is not your Dad's Ford- it's not a pile of junk which is inferior in every way to it's Japanese counterpart.

Well, that's not very interesting. So let's imagine how the conversation would have gone if Tom decided to be as honest and to-the-point as humanly possible:

"Hey Tom, why Ford?"

"Because that's the company that's currently paying me to pitch their crappy product."

"Why Now?"

"Because if people buy Fords right now, the company will continue to pay me to pitch their crappy product."

So easy, I'd feel guilty for being paid for running this site- if only I were being paid for running this site.

Haha It's Fun to Pretend to be Polite, and then act like a total Asshole

We see a broken-down taxi with the driver standing outside of it ( I didn't even notice that the broken-down car was a taxi until the fourth or fifth time I saw this commercial, so I didn't quite get the nasty message right away.)

"Need a lift?" asks a helpful passer-by in the car we are supposed to ultimately find super-attractive, if not irresistible. "Thanks" says Taxi Driver Man, and he gets in the back seat (seems kind of odd- but OH I GET IT, it's like the taxi driver is now the PASSENGER. He's changed places, get it?)

"Mind if we take a shortcut?" Asks the driver. "No problem" says the back seat passenger. And off we go.

Driver, assisted with a GPS system apparently set to "find route with sharpest turns and most hills," proceeds to drive like a freaking lunatic up and down side streets, through what must be some kind of park (way to practice defensive driving there) and finding great delight (seriously, the guy has this massive evil grin on his face during the entire experience) in forcing his passenger (who is either not wearing a seat belt or is finding the seatbelt not an adequate form of restraint) to hold on for dear life to prevent being shoved by powerful g-forces into the car's sides.

Driver glances backward, same self-satisfied, evil grin on his face, while sick-and-nervous-looking passenger attempts a "yeah, I'm still alive" half-smile.

Finally, the passenger is dropped off at his destination, which seems to be the taxi depot. He waves goodbye to the asshole who inexplicably decided to offer a favor and then treat it's recipient like a pile of dirt, admiring the car as it speeds off.

Um, what the hell? All I can figure is that we are supposed to buy the old cliche that taxi drivers are sucky drivers who enjoy making their passengers miserable by taking turns too quickly and driving on uncomfortable roads at uncomfortable speeds. Thing is, I've been in a lot of taxis over the years, and I've never had a driver do anything like the fat dickweed seeking "revenge" in this ad does. Taxi drivers don't abuse their passengers, at the very least because passengers give tips. If they take short cuts, it's because their livelihood depends on getting you to your destination ASAP so they can move on and pick up their next client, not to tick you off.

Let's give the creep driver the benefit of the doubt and say that he's had a lot of bad taxi rides. Did the guy who ends up in the back seat provide all those rides? Any of them? If so, this sure is a passive-agressive way of meting out "revenge." Like a 30-second episode of "The Twilight Zone"- instead of the ranting anti-semite finding himself being condemned to an extermination camp, it's the careless taxi driver being trapped in the back seat with a crazy driver in command?

If not (far more likely, in my opinion) then the jackass is just being a jerk, treating this poor guy like shit as a way of getting some lame "payback" for past grievances. Either way, it's a really stupid commercial which beats you over the head with it's nastiness, besides failing to sell it's product because I've seen this several times and I can't for the life of me remember who makes the damned car, and nothing here gives me a warm feeling about a company that would produce such a stupid pile of dreck.

If I were that passenger, I would have had something to say to the driver when he dropped me off. Or maybe, I would have just vomited all over his back seat. That would have taught him something about seeking misdirected vengeance, anyway.

Surviving the tough economy, the Verizon Way

Here's more evidence that Verizon is convinced it has a winner with their Idiot Parent v. Smart-ass Kid theme, but is willing to tweak it a bit to give Dad the chance to be the heavy now and then. In the series of "funny" commercials which started last year, we had harassed mom begging her dipshit son to use "old minutes" instead of just throwing or giving them away. Dipshit son would always respond with what can be fairly be translated into "yeah mom, blah blah blah, I don't give a fuck about saving money because it's not my money, and I'm gonna keep wasting minutes because there are no real consequences for doing so. So bite me." I think I've posted at least twice on those commercials, and I appreciate the material, Verizon. I really do.

In this new commercial, balding dad, who is developing just enough of a paunch to let you know that he's officially Middle Aged Man (see SNL's archives if you don't get the reference) announces to his family that it's time to start getting serious about saving money. The guy drops off his kid two miles from school because "we need to save gas," for instance. Later, he makes the family eat in the dark to save electricity. Ok, so he's being a real ass, and we are supposed to sympathize with his family at this point. We know that there are intelligent ways to save money, and they don't include what this weird idiot is doing.

Then he announces that he's switching everyone to the Verizon Family Plan, because it gives you unlimited messaging (thank God, because who could live without THAT?) for each member for only $9.99 a month. Kind of an odd message here- Dad is an idiot in all the other ways to save money, but this move is brilliant? Or is switching to Verizon just as stupid as not driving your kids to school or refusing to use the lights during dinner?

Cue Smart-Ass Punk Kid: "I'll believe it when I see it."

Um, pardon me? Listen, you loathsome little prick, here's a better idea: Hand over your phone. It's going into the charity bin. You can have a phone You Can Believe In when you get a god damned job and pay for it yourself. Seriously. "I'll believe it when I see it?" I can't imagine saying something like that to my Dad while he's explaining to me why he's switching cell phone service. Of course, we can't imagine that this kid actually ever thanked his Dad for providing the phone in the first place, can we? Nope- but this kid is convinced that the new plan won't provide him with all the "vital" bells and whistles offered by the old one- which I'm sure not only included unlimited texting and yakking and twittering, but also downloadable games, music, and all the other things that a kid his age simply MUST have in a cell phone.

Because I guess in Verizon's world view, gas and electricity are luxuries, but cell phones for everyone in your family are absolute necessities. Maybe in future commercials, we'll see this family fishing old bagels out of the garbage in back of Dunkin Donuts and shopping for Christmas presents at the dollar store. But it will be all good, because at least they still have their phones!
Pathetic.

CCR Notwithstanding, "Too Good to Be True" still rules radio

Chirpy woman gushes about a Work-At-Home Program called Freedom47.c0m-- "I wanted to be with my kids and work at home. I wanted them to have Mommy care, not Daycare. I quit my job and thanks to Freedom47.com, I've been at home for the last seven years with my daughters..."

Guy chimes in, "I just HAD to get out of the business rat race. My wife and I quit our jobs, and now we are home making more than $10,000 a MONTH EACH, thanks to Freedom47.com!"

Wow, sounds super-impressive. So I went to the website. At first, the presentation is quite typical- picture of smiling family sitting on the grass, probably having a picnic or something, obviously blissful in their new stay-at-home-and-make-barrels-of-money lifestyle. Little bullet points tell us that we can "set our own hours," among other inducements. Of course, there's an informative DVD they'd like you to order. Right there on the home page (there are NO other pages) there's an application for the reader to fill out- Name, Address, Phone Number, How did you hear about us?, etc. But here's the strange part- at no point are you told about the "small shipping fee" you must send to get the free DVD or asked for a credit card number. Apparently, they are actually willing to send you the DVD (which, we are told, contains "about one hour of information on our business plan) for free. Very odd.

I hate to be a cynic here, but the combination of the obviously phony "you can make huge money at home" theme (there are only two ways you can make huge money at home- you can start your own web-based business and sell products that the public wants at reasonable prices- which leaves out Internet Speedway- or you can insert yourself into a web-based pyramid scheme in which you become a very adept scammer on behalf of the people above you; I won't mention a specific company by name, but the one I'm thinking of starts with the letter "A," ends with the letter "Y," and rhymes with Highway) and the actually-free information has me thinking Cult. I've heard of such businesses smoothing the way for people to look for information by providing free materials, which ultimately lead to an invite to a free seminar, where the real brainwashing begins. Maybe that "How on Earth are you anyway?" guy who encourages people to "minister" to their families and "minister" to their communities by working from home is involved.

I'm really tempted to order the DVD and provide an update to this post after watching it, but I'm not willing to let the Freedom47.com people know where I live. If maintaining this blog paid my salary, I'd have a post office box that I would use to order "free" material for inspection all the time. But if that were the case, I'd be working from home, and I'd have a Financial Success Story to tell, and I'd be letting you know how you, too, could be avoiding the rat race and making big bucks from home. I think I'd charge shipping and handling for my DVD, though.

There's No Honor Among Thieves

I've posted in the past on the phenomenon of "credit card counseling" and "debt relief services" commercials which absolutely dominate the world of satellite radio these days. But now I'm hearing an ad which suggests that even the scumbags who form these "helpful" companies realize that they are drowning out each other and need to create an edge.

The commercial is for Credit Card Relief (or something like that- seriously, make any combination of the words "Debt," "Credit," "Relief," "Service,"and "Counseling" and chances are you've come up with the name of an already-existing debt management program. The voice is that of a very gruff man who sounds like he's talking to us out of the side of his mouth. He's really ticked off that there are so many companies pretty much exactly like the one he's pimping for- "It seems like every time you turn on the radio, you hear these stories- happy young couple gets their debt completely cleaned off the books without even trying. I mean, come on! If it sounds too good to be true, it IS too good to be true. You need REAL relief- not bankruptcy, that should be your last option. And not a high-interest consolidation loan. We're Credit Card Relief, and we've been helping people solve their debt problems for almost a decade...."

Blah blah blah. Clever, no? "We know you've been hearing this same pitch every day, but don't listen to those other guys, they are lying to you with their pie-in-the-sky promises." CCR doesn't name names, but I'd suggest that they specifically mention John Commuta and his "pay off your $500,000 mortgage in two years instead of thirty just with the money you already make" bs. Maybe they fear a lawsuit. "THOSE guys are trying to cheat you. WE are the REAL DEAL." And in case you are still skeptical, "WE have been in business for ALMOST a DECADE." Wow, great history of service there.

These guys make me laugh, they really do. It's not enough that they are trying like hell to insert themselves between desperate debtors and their creditors so that they can extract their pound of flesh, but now they are starting to stab eachother in the back to do it by calling their competitors phonies. Seriously- anyone with half a brain knows that every single one of these companies is set up in exactly the same way with exactly the same business strategy- become the paid whine merchant for people with debt issues by harrassing creditors to accept lower monthly payments spread out over a longer time (and, therefore, accumulating more interest) while skimming a fee off the top for themselves. None of them do a damn thing that the debtor isn't capable of doing ON HIS OWN.

So please, Credit Card Relief, Credit Debt Services, Debt Services USA, Credit Debt Relief, etc. etc.- spare me the "we're not like those other losers" bit. You are EXACTLY like those other losers. Hell, it wouldn't shock me to learn that you ARE those other losers, and all these different names are just part of a con to convince listeners that there are a bunch of companies out there competing for your "business."

Oh- and you are all soulless bloodsuckers who will burn in hell. Just thought I'd toss that in, in case you hadn't heard it from one of your disappointed "clients" lately.

Judith Regan = Classless, at Best

I'm listening to talk radio on Sirius/XM and suddenly I hear this commercial for something called the "Judith Regan Show." Here's Judith Regan, telling us why we need to give her a listen:

"Everyone lies nowadays. Lawyers lie. Spokespeople lie. Politicians lie. Well, that's why you need the Judith Regan show. This is the Guantanamo Bay of Talk shows. We rip people apart, we shred them, we get to the truth."

Ugh, come on. "The Guantanamo Bay of Talk Shows?" How about "the North Korean Prison of Talk Shows?" As we approach the 8th anniversary of 9/11, perhaps she should call her show so exciting, so hot, so attention-grabbing that it's "the brutal terrorist attack of talk shows."

Judith Regan is actually equating asking tough questions to- what? Applying electrodes to fingers and testicles? Threatening to rape the subject's minor family members? Waterboarding?

I'll be polite and say that Judith Regan is just being clueless and classless here. It would be just as easy to say she's being oblivious to the harsh reality of what went on down in Gitmo during the last Administration. It would be just as easy to say that Judith Regan apparently thinks that there's something valuable about torture because it "gets answers." Because I don't know Judith Regan and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Because, seriously- the alternative is that Judith Regan thinks it's fricking AWESOME that we tortured suspects, and she's doing the next best thing on her show, because gosh darn it, we the listeners deserve the "truth."

Here's the truth, and I'm being polite: Judith Regan is, at best, an idiot who agreed to sign off on a really, really horrible ad idea. If these ads stay on, she moves beyond "idiot" into the category of "cold-blooded, soulless moron." I'll just have to wait and see.

Mom to the Rescue, Again

Mom walks into her teen-aged son's room and instantly crinkles up her nose; clearly, she's entered a toxic waste zone. Her son is splayed out on a sofa, surrounded by his own filth.

"Aren't you having people over to visit?" she asks. "Yeah" he answers.

"We've got to get this room cleaned!" she exclaims. (WE? WE? This kid isn't old enough to clean his own fricking room?)

There's no time to actually clean the room- so Mom whips out a bottle of some air freshener- I think it's Febreze, but I can't be sure because the ad doesn't end with somebody jamming their nose into pillows or curtains or shoes, like all the Febreze commercials do. All I know is that this woman proceeds to squirt half the bottle of the stuff all over her son's room.

And then, the payoff: Two cute girls appear at the door of the room, and one of them says "It smells so nice in here!"

A couple of points: first, there are any number of reasons why a teen-aged boy's room would stink. Maybe there's laundry collecting mold and mildew under the bed. Maybe the sofa is filled with old french fries and pizza slices. Maybe the kid hasn't bathed in the past week or so. Whatever the cause, spraying chemicals around isn't really going to solve the basic issue- your kid is a slob, and the reason you have roaches running around the house.

Second- what Mom reacts to the knowledge that teen-aged girls are coming to spend time in their son's room by rushing around said room, making it as bearably clean-smelling as possible? It seems to me that if the girls don't like the smell of your son's room, they are going to want to move the party or whatever it is to the living room, where you can keep an eye on them.

Third, related to point number one- what is this mom teaching her kid? "Don't bother with keeping yourself and your surroundings clean- just wait till the last minute, you can fake it by spraying crap all the place." To hell with that. Either make Dirty Doofus clean his room regularly or let him live with the bad reputation he gives himself when his peers come to visit. I'm so sick of seeing TV Moms with spray bottles and paper towels at the ready like six-shooters, ready to draw at a moment's notice whenever one of their disgusting spawn makes a mess. This kid looks like he's going to be living on his own in a couple of years- when is he going to be encouraged to grow the hell up?